May 22, 2012

My dear readers,

Another rapid update! I am incredibly pleased by the changes to this chapter. The first draft really didn't do Nessie justice, but I included a lot more introspection in this run-through.

Now for a moment of celebration: I have two permanent betas! ChloeCougar and Linnfromia have graciously agreed to beta the rest of ADKoL and (hopefully) its sequel. I am beyond delighted to have these two wonderful ladies on board. :)

Enjoy!

evelyn-shaye

Special thanks to my permanent beta, ChloeCougar, and temporary beta, Claireybeary12, for their constructive criticisms. You made this chapter the best that it could be!

Chapter Seventeen: Emotional

Momma greeted me with a somber smile as I walked through the door. "Your father read your thoughts," she explained, pulling me into a careful hug. She inhaled deeply to calm her emotions. "I'm so sorry, Ness," she breathed.

I hugged her back gratefully. The afternoon already seemed a distant and fading memory. Jacob was gone, probably for the rest of the week, and even if he had been here, our sudden release of passion wasn't bound to happen again anytime soon. Hot tears spilled down my cheeks and soaked into my mother's cotton blouse.

Momma stroked my hair gently, as she had when I was younger. "He'll be back," she reminded me softly. She paused, then leaned back to cup my face in her hands. "Your father said that something was on your mind? He didn't know what it was, just that you needed to talk to me."

I reached up to cover one of her hands. Can we talk in my room? In privacy?

"Of course, Nessie," Momma replied with surprise. Reflexively, she wrapped her shield around me like a warm blanket and followed me to my room. The Denalis watched us curiously—I hadn't interacted with them much at all during their stay, and they had never understood my connection to Jacob—and Daddy seemed frustrated that I was confiding in Momma again.

Let him be frustrated. If he saw what I was about to show Momma, I would never be allowed to talk to Jacob again.

Momma, on the other hand, would be empathetic as only a mother could be. Especially a mother who had a strong connection to Jacob, too. Who had once loved him the way that I would for all eternity.

It was strange, I thought as I sat on my bed, but my parents' history had never really bothered me that much, even though it pertained to Jacob. In my mind, everything that had occurred prior to my birth was their business. Life and love were always about pressing forward, and Jacob and Momma had obviously moved on from their teenage romance. There was never a happier vampire couple than Edward and Bella Cullen.

And Jacob—well, Jacob had imprinted on me because I was destined to be his soul mate. There wasn't much sense in fighting that.

Momma settled down beside me, her shield still in place. "Did something happen between you and Jacob this afternoon?" she asked cautiously. Her voice was soft, like wind chimes jostled gently in a breeze.

The sound of her voice soothed me, and I knew that I could trust Momma wholeheartedly. With no hesitation, I placed my small palm against her neck and opened my mind to her.

I shared everything: my conflicting emotions as Jake had led me to the woods, my thoughts and flashbacks up in the tree, the dreaded question and Jake's explanation, our kiss, the run; and finally, the much longer kiss that had forced us to address where we would stand in the near future, and whom we could both confide in. In relation to the latter point, we'd agreed that Jacob would run home to Forks and spend time with Billy, and I would seek counsel from the one member of my family who truly understood me.

Because Momma was simply an older version of me. I could see myself in her features, in her mannerisms, in the way she carried herself. Her laughter was my own. Her interests overlapped almost perfectly with mine. Her personality, though more withdrawn, had rubbed off on me. So if Momma and I were such similar creatures, of course she would know exactly what to say. It would be like talking to a mirror, except that this time, the reflection would hold more wisdom than the subject.

Momma leaned on her hand thoughtfully – a habit she had maintained from her human life, she'd once told me. The first thing she said was laced with remorse. "I guess you know now that I evaded your question the other night," she apologized. "The one about Jacob imprinting on you?"

I laughed. "Is that what's bothering you?" I teased. "I thought that our make-out session in the forest would've held your attention."

She flashed a dangerous smile at me. "I'm a vampire, honey. I can host multiple thoughts at one time." Her smile dimmed. "I just wanted to clear the air before I launch into Relationship 101."

I sobered quickly. I hadn't realized that Momma felt guilty for withholding the truth from me. "Please don't worry about it, Momma," I reassured her. "I needed to hear the truth from Jake first. You did the right thing."

Relief flooded her face. "Thanks, Nessie," she replied sincerely. I smiled.

"Now about your, er, scene in the woods…" Momma began.

I cringed automatically. The motion didn't make sense to me—I had learned over my short years that Momma rarely admonished me, and if she did, it was always done gently and in a manner that didn't humiliate me—but even with the wonderment that encompassed this afternoon, I felt a twinge of guilt. Momma and Daddy surely wouldn't approve since Jake and I had just started dating today…

Almost instantaneously, the guilt vanished. Whatever had happened this afternoon and whatever lines Momma would insist we draw for ourselves, Jake and I were perfect for each other, and our physical relationship was just one manifestation of our perfection together. I had no regrets.

"You do realize that one thing inevitably leads to another, especially in the physical realm," she stated like a question.

"I think I figured that out this afternoon," I answered, blushing softly with pleasure at the memory.

I expected Momma to look uncomfortable at the reminder, but she seemed unfazed, or at least unsurprised. "Your father was always traditional in his views, vampire or not, as you remember," she continued, referring to our earlier conversation that had concluded with the mention of Jake's soul. "I had always thought differently, but I ended up respecting your father's perspective and waiting until we were married, like he wanted. However, I don't expect you and Jacob to view boundaries the way that we did."

Momma's comment threw me. "Wait, are you saying that Jake and I don't have to do things…traditionally? We don't have to wait until marriage?" I asked with disbelief.

Myriad emotions assaulted me at once. The idea sent a thrill through my body, and I felt a fluttering in my gut in anticipation of the pleasure that would, surely, far surpass the delights of the past afternoon. A part of me was suddenly impatient and, irrationally, wishing that Jake and I had taken better advantage of our alone time. But my eagerness quickly morphed into anxiety, and I was all at once fearful at the prospect of exposing myself so completely. If we weren't obligated to wait until marriage, how soon would Jake expect that from our relationship?

Momma tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Jacob is a very mature man, as you are a mature young woman." I glowed inside, temporarily banishing my fear; it was the first time Momma had officially called us by those descriptors. "We live in a different era. Though we are immortal, I see no reason not to…go with the times," she said hesitantly. "Your dad may think differently—it hurts me somewhat to even suggest it—but once you and Jacob are responsible, I don't see why you couldn't—"

"What qualifies 'responsible'?" I interjected breathlessly. The butterflies had returned in full force; I was beginning to wonder if hybrids could hyperventilate.

Momma raised her eyebrows. "Well, eagerness doesn't, if that's what you're wondering," she replied. Her voice became more passionate. "I don't care how much you and Jake might love each other, I don't want you together in that way any time soon—"

"No, no, that's not what I meant!" I hastened to intervene. Already, breathing was coming more easily to me. "Despite what happened this afternoon, I'm not exactly ready to—" I hesitated, "—give up my…virginity." I flinched at the word. It was one that I had rarely found cause to use in my five years and however many days of living, and the fact that I needed it now was a bit unsettling.

No matter how hot Jake was.

My words had a strange effect on Momma. She leaned forward with a curious look on her face. "You don't…want sex?" she asked slowly.

Now I looked at her curiously. "Do you want me to want sex?" I returned. I could not believe where this conversation was going. I had mentally prepared myself for another sex ed lesson and a big spiel on the merits of abstinence, not encouragement to push the boundaries.

"Well…eventually, it would be a good idea to want sex," Momma conceded. Her mouth twitched upwards ever so slightly. "I just assumed that, since you are physically a hormonal teenager, you were starting to think about it."

"Not really," I responded, looking down at my hands. "I mean, Jake's the only guy I've ever noticed that way, and that happened only a few days ago. I don't even know how to sort through all this stuff." Tears pricked at my eyes.

Great, I'm about to get emotional over my first-k-k-k iss-slash-make-out session.

Momma seemed to notice my discomfort. "Oh, Nessie," she murmured. She reached over and placed a cool but comforting hand on my shoulder. "I didn't realize this was so confusing for you. I thought you were happy to be in love with Jake."

Suddenly, all the feelings that had been swirling inside me and the thoughts that I had wanted to explore but had had tried to ignore swelled up and flowed out. "I am, Momma. It's just all happening so fast!" I cried. "I just found out that I'm Jake's imprint and I'm feeling all this stuff that I've never felt before and I feel lost but I really want Jake and now he's gone and—" I cut off, my words lodged in my throat by unshed tears.

Had everyone forgotten that I aged much more rapidly than the normal girl? I had existed for a mere six years; human girls had more time than that just to adjust to the changes in their bodies and learn how to conduct themselves around guys. Not to mention that those physiological alterations occurred much more gradually over a longer span, whereas my adolescence and young adult life were encompassed by about two years before I reached my peak at full maturity. How was I supposed to juggle the typical woes and confusion of puberty with my speedy development and a new relationship with my best friend, who had over twenty years of experience under his belt?

Momma caught me in an embrace before I had a chance to breathe. She stroked my curls slowly, the way I liked it, and cradled my head against her stone chest. Any other child might have been calmed by their mother's heartbeat; but since mine had none, I was comforted by the stability she had to offer. Young immortal or not, becoming a mother and then a vampire had made Momma mature beyond her years. She possessed the love, wisdom, and peace that I desperately needed at that moment.

I found myself able to steady my emotions and think a bit more rationally. Of course there was no rush. Wasn't this why Jake had insisted he visit Billy to ask for guidance? Not rules, certainly. Momma didn't even seem concerned about giving us the do-not's in a dating relationship. Daddy would most likely be another story, but I wasn't going to let that worry me yet.

"It seems like you're feeling better," Momma noted. She smiled warmly at me.

I grinned back. "Now I see why our generation waits until after college to get married," I answered. "I'm just a kid. I don't know how to process all this stuff." At least I get to condense nearly a decade of teenage angst into two relatively short years.

Momma laughed quietly. "You sound more like the Nessie I know already." Her expression became more serious. "You're on the right track, Renesmee." My heart swelled. Momma rarely called me by my full name anymore. When she did, it was full of affection. "Your emotions have told you more than I have this afternoon. Follow your instincts. When it comes to important things, your gut reaction is usually the most reliable. It will tell you where your line needs to be."

I asked a dreaded question. "And if Jake and I slip up?"

Momma sighed. "I will never judge you, Renesmee. Neither will your father at such a crucial period of your life. We will guide you, certainly, but this is your relationship in which to grow and make mistakes and enjoy as much as possible." Her eyes sparkled. "I've changed so much since the day I first met your father, and not just physically. I hope I'm more mature now than I was in high school!" She laughed.

I laughed, too. "I think this is gonna be awesome!" I enthused.

She touched my arm. "I wish the best for both of you," she said sincerely. "Jake is my best friend, and a great guy – one of the best that this world has to offer. You two have a great future ahead of you."

I agreed with her wholeheartedly. Still, as she turned to leave, I decided to ask one more question. "Momma?" I called softly.

"Yes?" she replied.

I twisted my fingers together. "This whole…imprinting thing…" I cringed.

Momma planted herself more solidly on my bed. "What about it?" she probed with concern.

"Will there…ever be a time that I don't love Jacob as much as he seems to love me?" I wondered. "I didn't imprint on him, so I'm not exactly bound the way he is."

Momma stared off into space. "It's a fascinating concept, and one that I don't fully understand," she began. "I'm sure that it will become clearer to me, what with all eternity ahead of us.

"To answer your question, though, I want to pose another one." She faced me intently. "If Jacob is designed for you, to care for you and love you with all his energy for the rest of your existence, the epitome of a soul mate, why would you ever fight it?"

Indeed, who would desire to end a perfect relationship? It was a question I pondered as I fell asleep that night, as I felt Jake's absence more strongly than ever before.

I saw his face in my mind and had to smile. Jacob. My Jacob.