August 16, 2012

Hello, lovely readers,

This was a difficult chapter for me, primarily because I've never attended a funeral and this chapter originally had a much different conclusion. I'm much more satisfied with the new version, and I hope that you are, too.

Enjoy!

evelyn-shaye

Special thanks to my marvelous betas, Linnfromia and ChloeCougar. They offered some great logistical advice as well as their usual insightful creative suggestions. :)

Chapter Twenty-three: Grief

"Today we mourn the death of Tamara Jackson, a girl full of spirit, enthusiasm, and sincere love for others. Though she will be dearly missed, we must remember that death is only the beginning…"

I tuned out the minister's homily and focused on trying to hold back my tears. It was only three days since Homecoming, and the lighthearted evening that I had enjoyed with Jacob, Garet, and Jonathan seemed so far away now that Tamara's transformation was complete. I couldn't shake the feelings of guilt, remorse, and a surprising amount of grief – coming from a supernatural family, I had never witnessed death or others' mourning.

Beside me, Garet wept openly and leaned into Jonathan, who had tears of his own trailing into her hair. I remembered that the two of them had been friends with Tamara for years; her death was as hard on them as it was on her family. I hated that they would never know the true reason for her disappearance from their lives.

On the other side of me, Jacob held me close, upset but also tense. His nose had wrinkled during the visitation when he had inhaled her vampire scent for the first time. The fact that Tamara would rise from her grave later tonight set him on edge. She wouldn't be like us. She would follow Braden's lead, and between his gift and their mutual adoration, I was sure that she would be a dedicated mate and forget that we had once been friends.

My family had come to show their support, as well. Momma and Daddy stood closest to me, since they knew Tamara best out of our family. Grandmother made gasping noises behind me, unable to cry but still deeply emotional. Grandfather watched the proceedings solemnly. He had been the one to inform Tamara's family that their only daughter was dying, who had cared for her in Braden's home and stayed by their side as they watched her writhe in agony, who had escorted them from the room during the final stages of her transformation to protect the vampire secret. Tamara's parents urged Grandfather to attend out of gratitude for looking after Tamara so diligently, even though he couldn't save her.

Braden's coven did not disappoint, either. Ashton and Leanna lowered their heads, but Braden let his pain show. He didn't have to pretend to be concerned about his mate, whom he now loved more than his own existence. I hated him for it and was infuriated that Tamara's family had not blamed them for Tamara's death. After all, she had been with Leanna when she'd contracted that "rare disease" that ended her life. But the Jacksons displayed the same gratitude that they had shown Grandfather, for making Tamara feel as comfortable as possible and for giving her one last, happy memory.

Of course, it wasn't her last. It was as the minister said: "Death is only the beginning." Tamara had eternity ahead of her – not that she understood the significance just yet, but her life was about to change radically. She would never see her family again, never return to Westhope High. She was destined to hide, just like the rest of us, with only her partnership with Braden and her thirst for blood to keep her occupied.

The minister concluded his speech and invited the Jacksons forward. Her father placed a long-stemmed white rose, Tamara's favorite, on the casket, while her mother sobbed and let her face fall into her hands. A lump swelled in my throat as the appointed cemetery officials extended the same invitation to everyone gathered, which amounted to most of Westhope. My family and I joined the crowd; I fingered my rose absentmindedly, trying to avoid the speculative glances of my schoolmates.

"It's not right," Jacob muttered once we had paid our respects. He balled his hands into fists. "Biting a human is bad enough, but biting Tamara when she's only fifteen?"

"I know, Jacob," I murmured as soothingly as possible, trying to rein in my own frustration.

"If it weren't for the Volturi, I would tear into him right now," he hissed, referring to Braden.

"Steady, Jacob," Daddy cautioned. That Jacob appeared upset would be acceptable, but his words would arouse suspicion.

Jacob seethed silently.

"The Volturi have made many selfish choices," Grandfather interjected. "But what would the vampire world do without a government? Whose right is it to decide who is bad and who isn't? There is only one law, and as long as Braden doesn't break it, they have no charges against him."

"There are two laws," Jacob argued. "Anyone with talent is recruited, even at the expense of a coven." Grandfather wisely chose not to continue the debate.

I frowned. "But the vampire population does have a say," I reminded him. "We're living proof of that."

"There's strength in numbers," Momma agreed.

Jacob backed away, unconvinced and still visibly agitated. "I'm gonna go check in with the pack," he muttered. "You know, blow off some steam."

I was sad to see him go, since he had been my constant as I dealt with my mourning, but I knew he needed this time alone. "I'll see you back at the house." I kissed his cheek.

Jake smiled briefly before turning and running at a semi-reasonable pace to phase.

I faced my parents. "I should go talk to Garet and Jonathan."

"We'll be here," Momma promised, squeezing my hand gently.

I approached my two human friends cautiously. They were standing near the edge of the crowd, staring blankly off into space. "Hey, guys," I said quietly.

Garet sighed, blinking away tears. "It's not supposed to happen this way," she whispered.

I was reminded of Jacob's words, so similar but with much different meaning. I placed a hand on her shoulder. "There's a reason," I said confidently, trying to convince both of us.

Jonathan laughed without humor. "She was only fifteen! She had her whole life ahead of her." He glared at the ground. "I want to punch Braden right now!"

This news surprised me. "Wait, what?" As much as I wanted the same thing, Jonathan couldn't possibly know that Braden was behind this mess.

"I saw the way he watched her at Homecoming," he growled. "It wasn't exactly lustful, just…possessive, like he owned her or something. And then that crap about spending the night with Leanna…" He exhaled sharply. "I know that she went to her house to see him. It's his fault she's dead, all his fault." Jonathan broke down and cried tears of pain and anger.

I was completely floored that Jonathan understood without even knowing the background drama of supernatural involvement. He had nailed Braden's character completely. I would have to let Garet know just how great her boyfriend was later.

Garet rubbed his arm comfortingly. "You feel responsible, too," she murmured. She glanced at me tearfully. "We all do. If we had kept an eye on her, made sure she had spent the night with us. She could have just seen Braden at school…" She trailed off.

I wanted desperately to tell her that her fate had changed before that moment, but that secret wasn't mine to share. I reached for her hand, unthinkingly using my gift to project my sentiments. Please, you can't blame yourself.

Immediately I cursed myself for being so careless, but Garet only sighed. "I know I can't blame myself," she whispered. "It was beyond our control."

I was suddenly struck with inspiration. If Garet hadn't realized that I had placed that thought in her head, then maybe—I flashed an image into Garet's mind.

Garet laughed quietly. "Remember that time that Tamara spilled that beaker on her clothes in chemistry class?" she asked us.

It was a funny story, so I went along with unforced amusement. "Jonathan told her that it was a slow-working acid that, even if she didn't feel the burning yet, would soon work its way down to her bones," I continued.

Jonathan laughed. "She didn't realize that sodium chloride was just harmless table salt and darted for the emergency shower!"

We all laughed together, relieved after such a long period of sadness. Garet wiped her tears away. "I don't know what made me think of that."

"It was definitely one of her finest moments," Jonathan chuckled.

We laughed a little longer then sighed collectively. "She was something else," I said. Too bad they'll never know how true that is.

The two of them nodded in agreement. "All of her daydreams and optimism," Garet remembered. "You could always count on her to be the sunshine."

"And the klutz," Jonathan joked. "Like that time in middle school when she tried to make a pirouette in the final dance performance."

Garet giggled. "Sprained her ankle in front of the entire student body!"

And I thought my mom had had balance issues as a human. "I've never heard that story," I said.

We stood together for a long while as Jonathan and Garet shared memories that they had made with Tamara over the course of six years: setting the oven on fire trying to bake cupcakes, convincing Garet to do a belly flop off the community pool's high dive, playing Ding Dong Ditch at one of their many overnights. It was natural listening to them banter about their best friend. I felt oddly normal, like I wasn't the special half-human in a family of vampires. I was just…me. Jonathan and Garet didn't even notice my sweeter scent or burning temperature anymore; they accepted me as I was, a member of their group.

The three of us made vague plans to meet up before school the next day, and I weaved through the crowd to find my family. The four of them were standing with Tamara's parents.

"Renesmee spoke very highly of your daughter," Grandmother was saying, her maternal side shining brighter than ever. "I wish we had had the opportunity to meet her."

"That's sweet of you to say, thank you," Mr. Jackson replied sincerely. His wife was too upset to speak. "Ah," he said as I approached, "you must be Nessie."

"Yes, sir," I answered, taking his hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

"The pleasure is all ours," he insisted. "Tamara talked about you all the time. You made quite an impression on her."

I bowed my head in response to their flattery.

"Now, where is Jacob?" he wanted to know. "We were sure that he'd want to be here, since he took her to Homecoming, but I didn't see him in the crowd."

"He was here," I informed them. "He was too upset to stay afterwards."

Mr. Jackson nodded. "Understandable. I know they didn't date for long, but…" He stopped, unable to continue.

I nodded solemnly. "We'll all miss her," I told him. "I'm glad that I knew her even for a short time. She was my first friend here."

He smiled through tears. "Thank you for telling us that." We exchanged a few more pleasantries before excusing ourselves and allowing another family to speak with them. My family climbed into the Volvo and headed home.

"Do you think it was hard for her, Edward?" Momma asked quietly. "To resist the scent at only two days old?"

"Tamara fed thoroughly beforehand and is likely still holding her breath," Daddy responded. "It would have taken quite a bit of control, but with Braden close by, she needed only to submit to his gift."

I suppose that's one positive aspect of his gift at this point, I thought sarcastically. Daddy glanced at me but chose not to answer.

When we arrived home, Jacob was sitting on the front porch. I ran lightly over to him. "The door was open," I reminded him.

Jake stood and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Blondie was being annoying," he explained. He jerked his thumb to the side. "Want to take a walk in the woods?"

I glanced over at my parents. Momma nodded genially but Daddy narrowed his eyes. "Be back in an hour," he ordered. "And don't forget that I can see everything that you two do out there."

Ugh, infringing on personal space much, Dad? I complained.

He frowned. "I don't have to let you go," he threatened.

I grabbed Jake's hand. "We were just heading out," I said pleasantly. I yanked him along and we trotted toward the woods at a manageable superhuman pace.

Once we were under the cover of the trees, Jake slowed and pulled me close to him. "Hey," he murmured, resting his hands on my hips.

It wasn't at all sexual, though the warmth and familiarity of his hands could certainly have made it so. The gentleness of his gesture and the sympathy in his beautiful eyes conveyed only comfort. With a choking sob, I burrowed my face into his chest.

"Shh, Nessie," Jacob soothed. His voice was calming, atypical of the guys who frantically and desperately attempted to stop the waterworks as quickly as possible. He worried that I was holding my emotion back rather than letting myself have a good cry.

My tears soaked into his black t-shirt. "It's like she's really dead, Jake," I cried, clinging to him.

I felt his head bob above mine. "I know, Ness," he sighed.

"It's not fair!" Angry words flew from my mouth in bursts. "She didn't even get the chance to live! She just threw her life away without knowing what she would be missing! How could she possibly know…the way she would hurt all of us…how awful Braden truly is…"

Jacob didn't speak, but I got the sense that he was framing a response. Finally, he said quietly, "I'm not any happier than you are that Tamara was changed. But Seth reminded me when I was running that your mom made this decision, too."

I pulled back and glared at him. "Leave Momma out of this," I protested. "Tamara's only fifteen!"

"And your mom was eighteen," he countered, though not unkindly. Releasing my waist to take my face in his hands, he gazed seriously into my eyes. "If she hadn't chosen that life for herself, then you wouldn't be here."

I sighed, lowering my eyes. "I know," I murmured. "It's been plaguing my thoughts since the night Tamara died. All I can see is the expression on Momma's face when she gave birth to me. I can't even describe it. She was just…happy. In love, at first sight."

I glanced back up at Jacob, who had dropped his hands to my elbows. "I can't resent Momma for her choice, so I know theoretically that I should give Tamara the same courtesy, but…couldn't she have waited a little longer? Dated Braden for awhile, graduated from high school, had a relatively normal experience? Momma and Daddy at least were in a relationship for over a year before they got married."

When Jacob didn't respond except to suddenly shudder, I pressed on. "I guess not all of us can be as mature as my parents were." I laughed shortly. "Braden was impatient and Tamara was star-struck." Like Momma and Daddy.

"You can say that again," Jake muttered. He rubbed his hands along my upper arms distractedly, as if the motion were to retain his sanity rather than my own.

We stood like that, in unsettled silence, until Jake broke the ice and locked his arms around my waist, holding me closer to him. I sighed contentedly, reveling in his warmth, and nuzzled my cheek against his chest. Things would never be the same after Tamara's decision, but at least Jacob would be together as we faced whatever Braden's enlarged coven had in store for us next.