AN: Once again, I would like to express my gratitude to Shutterbug5269 for proofreading, punching up my prose, giving this story the mystery feel that it needed, fact checking me on lore, and brainstorming with me, not to mention catching my Australianisms, for the first 29 chapters of this fic. This would not be anywhere as good without him, and if you notice a dip in quality from here on, it's due to his absence (Don't worry, he's still alive, he DM'D me two hours ago, he's just not beta-reading this fic for the foreseeable future). All errors are mine.
Dear Rick,
Sorry it's taken longer than I thought it would to write to you. These first few days here have been intense. Getting my mind around a whole different set of laws, and having to get everything translated into English, and just getting my bearings in general.
How have you been?
Kate
Kate,
It's good to hear from you. Don't apologize. You've been doing important work. I'm good. I've just been doing a lot of thinking recently. I'd like to do something like you. Give back. I was volunteering back before I got sick, and now I'm better, I'd like to do something again. I don't just want to write a bunch of cheques, I want to be part of something, just like you are. That must be incredible.
How's Josh?
Rick
Rick,
Well, it keeps me busy. I don't really have a lot of time to dwell on how incredible it is. Don't get me wrong, we're doing good work, and it feels good to be doing something other than pencil-pushing, but there isn't any instant gratification in it.
That's great that you want to give back. Just go for it. It doesn't really matter what it is. Just find something you like doing that makes a difference. You don't have to move to Argentina to do that.
Josh is good, but it's weird. He's still the same person, and I still love him, but our interactions aren't as natural as they used to be. It's like we have to force it. When he told me he was leaving, I thought it would be awful being away from him for a year, and yet here we are, in the same place, and I still feel the distance. Sorry, I've probably gone on for too long. I won't bore you any further. Have a good night.
Kate
Kate,
Recently, I've been thinking about what Simon Doyle told Beckett and me about how we sometimes occupy the same mind frequency as our counterparts. And it got me to wondering if we ever possibly exchange thoughts or ideas without realizing it. Think about it. Have you ever had a thought or image suddenly pop into your head without knowing why? Maybe it didn't come from you, maybe you picked it up from Beckett. And when I suddenly get a spark of inspiration, is that me or am I unwittingly stealing one of Castle's ideas?
Rick
Rick,
Well, what really breaks my brain is that we were one person once. Me and Beckett. You and Castle. Lamar Dokes created that other reality that split off from our own, and in a way, it's almost like a fairytale. There's still struggle and tragedy, every good fairytale has that. But there's an easily identifiable villain in a fairytale. Real life is messier.
Kate
Rick,
It's funny. I'm spending more time with Josh now than I ever did when we were together, and somehow I've never felt further away from him. Ever since everything happened, it's like there's this space between us that just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I do miss what we had. But I don't know if we can get back there anymore. I'm not even sure I want to.
Kate
Rick,
I must be driving you nuts with all these emails. You've probably got better things to do than read me going on and on about my petty problems.
But I like writing to you. Even if you don't write back. It's like I can tell you things I can't tell anyone else. Maybe because it's in writing. Saying these things aloud would be too scary.
I had a plan for where my life was going to go. For what type of person I was going to be. And somewhere along the way, I lost sight of it. Corporate law was only ever meant to be a stepping stone. A way to make some money for my future. It was never meant to be for the rest of my life. But I got comfortable. It was easy to work for the money and not because I believed in what I was doing. Beckett believes in what she's doing.
And the work I'm doing now, I believe in that. But when I get home, what then? After doing something that actually fulfills me, that makes me feel like I'm doing some good, I don't know how I'll be able to go back to my normal life.
Which seems scary on the face of it. Change is always scary. But it's exciting too. Realizing you want more. And that you're going to do something about it. I'm not sure what that something will be yet, but whatever it is, I'm going to make sure it means something. I'm going to do something that matters with whatever time I have left on this earth. And I have you to thank for this epiphany, Rick.
If you hadn't switched with Castle, I never would have switched with Kate, and maybe that was the push I needed, as crazy as it sounds.
Kate
Kate,
I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you in a while. I guess I've been wondering if I should be writing to you at all. I know you're not technically with Josh, but things aren't exactly over with him and things with us are so complicated. But if these emails help you, then I'm happy to keep writing back.
Life is crazy, that's what makes it great. We're so far from the future Simon talked about, and even then, they don't know much about the multiverse. There's so much we are yet to understand, so much we may never know about all the other universes out there. We only know about Castle and Beckett. We could be anybody doing anything. We could be saving the world, or we could be making it worse. We could be so many things, Kate. We are all capable of such terrible, such mundane, and such wonderful things. It's up to us to decide what version of us we're going to be. We know who we're not. We know we're not Castle and Beckett.
We're Rick and Kate. It's up to you what you do with this life. And whatever you decide to do, it'll be great. It'll be great because of you, not because of me. I'm just a guy sitting at a laptop typing words that somehow fit together. You're out there saving the world.
Rick
Rick,
How do you always know exactly what to say?
Kate
Kate,
To be honest, that's all I really have going for me. Words. Sure, I know what to say and what to write, but what to do? I'm still figuring that out.
Rick
Rick,
No one ever knows what to do all the time. But I wouldn't discount what you've done with your life. You've raised a brilliant teenage daughter, you took in your mother, you're a philanthropist. You're so much more than words, Richard Castle. Words just happen to be your specialty.
Kate
Kate,
Before I got sick, I was bored. I'd killed Derrick Storm. I'd tried to move on with other books. Eventually, I just started ghostwriting. I'd lost my inspiration. And then, I got sick. And I missed the boredom. And then I got better, but I got lost. Into another reality.
And I met Beckett. And she seemed to love me, but only because she thought I was Castle. I liked her. I liked her a lot. I wanted to love her. I liked spending time with her. But it was stressful. And confusing. Trying to live up to the idea of me everyone else had in their heads. Denying my own memories, my own reality.
That's when I longed for the boredom.
And now I'm bored again, can't think of a single word, and I should appreciate this. I should appreciate a quiet life. A cancer-free life. A life without having to deal with the effects of time travel or other reality-shifting shenanigans.
And yet... I still long for more. I miss having a puzzle to solve, I miss having stakes in my life. Am I just a glutton for punishment?
Rick
Rick,
Well, I hope I'm not overstepping here, but from what I know of your life growing up, it sounds like you didn't quite have the most stable upbringing. And then as an adult, you were known as a playboy, a rebel. Not to mention our recent paranormal adventure. So maybe this is the first time in your life that things have been calm. So, of course, it's going to feel boring for you. Of course, you're going to feel restless. That's normal. But not even Castle and Beckett will be solving crimes in their eighties. Eventually, we all have to slow down.
Kate
Kate,
I like to think they will. I like the idea of them, of Beckett knocking people over with her cane and Castle examining evidence with his monocle. I think he'd look good with a monocle.
Rick
Rick,
I can't believe it's almost been a year since I got here. I feel so different and yet in some ways, things feel like they haven't changed at all. I'm looking forward to seeing you when I get back. As much as I've been able to express in our emails, there's a lot I haven't been able to say. Things I think I can only say in person.
Kate
Kate,
Yes, we have a lot to catch up on. Call me when you land in New York.
Rick
I promise it will not take me four years to upload the next chapter. Pinky swear.