CHAPTER 15
Olivia traces his fingers as she lies on her side while he sleeps. She keeps thinking of what Dana had said to her and what she neglected to tell Elliot; their appointments with the shrink.
"El? El you awake?" She speaks in a soft, low voice.
"Ummm Hummm" Elliot mumbles, clearly not wanting to break his sleep.
"El, can we talk?"
"Absolutely baby. Give me a second." As Elliot tries to wake up, Olivia sits up and turns to face him, cross legged, holding the blanket up to cover herself and give her a sense of security. "What's going on baby?"
" El, Cragen made us appointments to see a shrink tomorrow. Please don't be mad. I asked him to. I really think we should go." Olivia lets a tear fall.
Elliot could hear true fear in her words. He wipes a tear off her cheek and takes her hand. She looks down at their hands as he speaks. "Liv, honey. It's ok. I will do whatever you need me too. I think it will be good for us to go too. Please don't ever be afraid to talk to me." He nudges her chin with his hand, making her look at him. "You can tell me anything. I love you Liv."
She smiles, relived by his words. She looks down again, trying to find the words to talk to him.
"Is there something else? I'm not going anywhere. We can talk all night. You can tell me anything or everything that's on your mind. You're safe with me. There is nothing you could say to me that would make me think less of you. Liv, what is it?" Olivia had started to cry. He hated it when she cried. It breaks his heart that she is in any kind of pain.
"Can, can we talk about what happened?" Olivia asked, terrified; terrified he would say no, terrified of what she was about to tell him, terrified that this WOULD make him think less of her. The things that happened make her sick and she was afraid Elliot would feel the same way. She didn't want him to feel sick every time he looked at her.
"Absolutely Liv. You can tell me as little or as much as you want." Elliot could sense her fears and repeated himself. "Liv, like I said, I'm not going anywhere. No matter what happened, what he did to you, what he made you do to him, I will still love you. I love you more than midnight loves the moon. My feelings for you will not change. It's ok." Elliot was still holding her hand, he was not about to let it go.
"When we got to the apartment, and he cuffed me to the bed, I prayed he would kill me. El, I didn't want to survive what he was about to do. I gave up before it even started. I am a cop El, but I was weak. I didn't fight him. I was scared, more scared than I have ever been in my whole life. How could I be a cop, a good cop, and let myself get into this situation?" Olivia paused, trying to calm her breathing and control her outbursts of tears.
"Baby, none of this is your fault. You are human, don't forget. You see this type of thing everyday but until you are actually in that position, you don't know what you're gonna do. You did survive. Because of the choices you made, you survived. What would you tell any other victim in this situation?" She looked at him, knowing what he was about to say as she says it to all her victims, and she truly believes it. "You survived, that's all that matters."
"El," she looks away from him "he touched me. He took pleasure in taking my clothes off, of controlling me. He put himself inside me, his gun inside me. The first time he put his gun in me, he told me if I didn't do what he said, he would pull the trigger. I was terrified El. Paralyzing fear. I let him rape me. I didn't do anything to stop him. Everyday was the same. Over and over, for hours. I didn't think I could ever be more afraid than I was until the day I woke up and he had put tape over my eyes."
"Liv" Elliot interrupted. But Olivia stopped him.
"Elliot, please do not be angry. I really want to just tell you, tell you how I felt. I want to tell you. I don't want this to come out in therapy. I don't want you to think that that is the only reason I told you. I want to be honest with you."
"Oh baby. I would never be angry. I want you to tell me. To be honest with you, I am afraid of what you are telling me. I hate that fact that I couldn't stop him. I watched him rape you and I did nothing. I am supposed to always have your back and instead, I sat there and watched him violate you, hurt you."
"El, that morning when I woke up and he had taped my eyes, I thought today is the day he will kill me. I could hear him talking to you; I didn't know it was you. When he raped me, I was petrified. I calmed slightly when he forced you on top of me. I still didn't know it was you but I knew the man on me smelled like you. I started to cry, thinking of you. I tried to put my mind in another place, with you, hoping I survived, at least long enough to tell you I loved you. When Harris left the room and you whispered my name. I cried harder, knowing it was you. It was because of you I survived."
Elliot and Olivia continued to talk all night. Olivia told him every detail of every minute with Harris. The words Olivia spoke were often times more than Elliot could bear. The images entered his head as she spoke, he detested the fact that Harris had laid a finger on her. The things she was telling him were despicable, revolting. As she spoke, he looked at her with sadness in his eyes, sorry for what she had gone through, what that piece of shit had done to her.