Chapter 36: I Have An Interview With A Cutie Pie And A Couple Of Creepy-Poos

(Andi)

I finished rocketing up Nico's jewel tunnel and found myself in a havey-cavey titey-mitey tunnel with a slightly ajar door at the end.[1] Through its opening, I could see light puffy clouds.

Y!

E!

S!

My red-hot body shot out of my stone chair. I was fully pumped to put the underworld and that interactive love letter to Bianca behind me.

But then I heard a "Mooo!" behind me.

"Oliver?" I said, turning back. And there he was with his head poking out of a large well further down the passage and beside the well was…

Hermes?

The god was suspiciously waving at me and wearing a vermillion bellhop uniform. He looked ghastly in red, but neither he nor Oliver was glowing and Nico had not given me any warnings about tunnel ghosts, so they must be real.

"Mooo, MooOooOooo?" Oliver said, questioningly.[2] I could tell he wanted pets.

I glanced at Hermes.

"Be my guest," the cursed beautiless beast said silkily in his deep radio announcer voice, gesturing at the seacow.

His guest?

His guest!

Just because I was the hottest girl around, did not mean I was dumb enough to read in a busy street, ask Daddy for flowers that were out of season, or be forced into a relationship with an angry mean lying fur-ball when the hottest guy around was already ready to propose![3]

Because I had standards!

Those standards never wanted to be Hermes's guest!

Grr!

With rebellious intent, I marched over and petted the cutie-patootie because it wasn't Oliver's fault Hermes was the worst. Then I made sure to speak to Oliver and only Oliver when I said cooingly, "I wasn't expecting to see you until later, but it's nice to see you now," because who wanted to see Hermes?

"MoOoo! MooOoOoooooOo," Oliver answered and I thought he sounded worried.

And I knew why. I looked up at Hermes. It was time to give this mister a talking-to. "As for you," I said lecturingly, "what was with that letter to Nico? He's just a kid. You shouldn't put weird ideas in his head."

Hermes did not even look sorry. He just frowned at me.

Then a new cranky high-pitched voice replied, "I'll take that one."

I looked around for the other person and Hermes turned his head too, so I leaned to the side to look deeper into the passage.

But there was nothing but blackness.

I looked back at Hermes except it wasn't Hermes anymore. It was an old man?

"Uh…" I let go of Oliver and double-checked to make sure that the man in front of me wasn't glowing.

He wasn't.

Oliver took the opportunity to dive into the black well water he was in, as the old man said wonderingly in his reedy voice, "Andromeda Amoris, I was wondering when we would cross paths."[4]

"I wasn't," claimed Hermes's smooth voice.

Then the old man turned his head and I watched as it kept on turning and turning and turning and turning until the Not-Hermes face faced me again.

A shiver when down my spine and I got up and took a big step back.

Running into Oliver was one thing. I knew the precocious seacow could show up anywhere, but this… "You're not supposed to be here," I said in a small voice.[5]

The head turned sideways, so I should of been able to see both the young dark-haired Not-Hermes face and the wrinkly old man face at the same time, but I couldn't.

My eyes flitted between them as they both laughed at me. The Not-Hermes voice was deeply guffawing while the old man was letting out a witchy cackle. Together they made a chorus of goosebumps and shivers.

Since I wasn't in the mood for anymore hibijibis today, I said farewellingly, "Okey-dokey artichokeys, I'm just gonna go." [6] Then I turned away and started walking for the door.

After 11 seconds and 43 jiffies of walking, they stopped laughing and the Not-Hermes voice asked, "How's my brother doing these days?"[7]

"Fine," I replied diplomatically.

"Fine she says as if this young upstart didn't just trample upon the very rules that govern our existence," the old man complained meanly.

"It's very true that you've been forging a new story, Andromeda," the Not-Hermes voice complimented nicely.

"Thank you. I like to believe that I'm a pretty proactive protagonist in my own story," I tried to say politely. It had been another 16 seconds and 29 jiffies of fast walking and the door wasn't getting any closer.

"You certainly have the hubris of a hero. I will give you that," the old man admitted.

"But you know, there's no such thing as a true protagonist," the Not-Hermes voice replied. "We're all minor characters in the grand scheme of things."

I didn't answer that. I had started running for the door, hoping that would help.

"Antiquated Annie," the old man simpered, still sounding as close to me as ever.

"Majestic Meda," the Not-Hermes's voice coaxed.

"Do you sincerely believe you can change this world?" the old man pestered.

"Do you really think you can avoid changing yourself?" the Not-Hermes voice added.

"Answer the question," the old man urged.

"Don't be shy," the Not-Hermes's voice insisted.

"Speak up," the old man ordered.

"Stay awhile," the Not-Hermes voice commanded.

I had reached the exit. My hand was on the doorknob. The door was still slightly ajar. I could see paradise on the other side but for some reason, I couldn't move my legs or arms anymore.

I swallowed, suddenly knowing I couldn't leave here without answering them, so I said, "I will do what I must to make everyone I care about happy."

"Everyone you care about? That is quite a sum," the old man said, thoughtfully.

"That'll require a LOT of changes," the Not-Hermes voice stated, "starting now."

"For their sake, I hope she's ready," the old man mused, as I gained back the ability to move my legs.

The last thing I heard before I shot out of the tunnel like a bat out of hell was, "Oh. She won't be."

Footnotes

[1] Havey-cavey means precariously balanced, dubious, and shady. Titey-mitey might refer to the cave being tight as in small or it may mean that the cave has stalactites and stalagmites, you know the pointy rocks some caves have.

[2] So…yeah. I know that Oliver is probably saying words with his mooing. The reason I didn't say anything the last time we met Oliver and why this batch of chapters took me so long is because I have no idea what he's saying. Still! Sorry guys, both me and my Delta reader are stumped. :(

[3] So, this sounds like a reference to beauty and the beast and the Be Our Guest song. It seems like Andi doesn't like Belle. This actually makes a lot of sense to me. Given their similarities, Andi probably really likes Gaston and doesn't understand why Belle would want to marry the beast instead of him.

[4] An epithet and we're not even in a Peter chapter. Amoris means Of Love. Pretty apt for Andi who among other things, is breaking hearts wherever she goes.

[5] In a way, Andi is right. In case you don't recognize him in this new bellhop uniform, this two-headed man is Janus, the god of beginnings, gates, transitions, time, duality, doorways, passages, frames, and endings. He shows up briefly in PJO the Battle of Labyrinth to mess with Annabeth before Hera saves the day. Fun fact, even though that's Janus's biggest role in the PJO canon, Janus is a Roman god who has no Greek equivalent.

[6] Hibijibis or heebie-jeebies is a feeling of anxiety, apprehension, depression, or illness. Farewellingly is not a real word.

[7] Unlike a lot of gods, Janus only has one brother. I'll give you one guess as to who that is.

A/N: Well...I'm bummed about a few things today...so I don't have much to say this time.

See you all next chapter