Hello everyone. I am back! My exam is over and I don´t have to learn for a while. I hope that I get some of you to continue reading this story and of course I would love to hear what you think. I always apreciate your ideas and thoughts! So...I hope you enjoy reading this chapter!

Brooke was lying in her bed and felt horrible. The images of Jimmy killing himself were coming every second and the tears were falling down her cheek. She felt so ashamed and guilty at the same time. She had not realized that Jimmy was in so much emotional pain and somehow she felt like she had added even a bit of that pain.

Today would be the last day of school which meant that the summer was starting and that she was a free girl again. No grounding, no detention and no math club. She thought about Julian. They had been dating for a while and everything went great but somehow she just wanted noone at her side. She did not know that Julian would tell her somethig today that would end their starting relationship.

Karen and Lucas were sitting in the kitchen and talking to each others. „Is she up?" „No, she´s still in my bed.", Karen said sadly.

Lately Brooke could not sleep alone and Karen heard her crying at night and waking up screaming, so Karen had decided that it would be better to have her near her. Brooke was like a daughter for Karen and she wanted her to be save. „Mom. Do you think she´ll get better?", Lucas had never seen Brooke like this. She did not talk much any more, she did not enjoy other people around her and she definitely did not enjoy leaving her bed. All she wanted was being under her blanket and forgetting everything.

„Yes, she will. But it takes time. She had seen such horrible things and somehow I feel like she is blaming herself" Lucas looked stunned up at his mother. Blaming herself? Why? He could not understand this statement but then decided to get Brooke to come to school. He tiptoed into his mother´s room and could see that Brooke was under the blanket. At first he thought that she was sleeping but then he could hear her sobs. He carefully took off the blanket and her look just broke his heart. She looked so vulnerable and small.

„Brooke. We have to go.", he whispered and sat down besides her but when he wanted to whip a tear away she shrugged and stood up and went into the bathroom. It was hard for all of them. Brooke did not even want to be touched any more. Within a minute she came out of the bathroom and looked like she had never. She was wearing a big sweatshirt and a jeans and a cap. She definitely did not look like the Brooke Davis he knew. Not that she looked bad but she looked more like a tomboy and that was something Brooke never had been.

Without talking she went into the kitchen and wanted to leave to go to school. But Karen took her arm and almost forced her to get hugged. Brooke stiffened up. On the one hand a hug was healing on the other hand it reminded her that Jimmy would never again get a hug in his life.

„You have to eat.", Karen pushed Brooke in the chair but Brooke only looked down at the fruits and did not touch anything. At first Karen wanted to force her but in this moment she decided not to. Brooke was too broken and yelling at her was the last thing she needed.

On the way to school Lucas and Brooke did not talk at all. In fact Lucas tried but she did not answer.

„So pretty girl. It´s our last day which means you´re free again. Isn´t that great?", he looked down at her but she did not even flinch or care to answer, so he continued. „Julian and you will have lots of free time.", he hated himself for saying that but he wanted her to feel good and Julian made her feel good. He was a nice guy and Lucas accepted him. „And you have great grades. You´re better than Haley this year which means you´could be a tutor next year." It went on like this until they entered the school.

Brooke stood in front of it and began to shiver. She had flashbacks of the shooting moment, of Jimmy´s funeral and of his dead body lying on her and making weird movements.

Suddenly she felt someone hugging her from behind. She recognized him immediately. His lips kissed her cheek and hold her tight. She did not even have the chance to get away. So she turned around and looked up into his beautiful eyes. „Julian", she whispered. He could see that she was about to cry and hold her tight. Finally she let go and cried in his arms. Lucas could just watch this scene. Somehow he felt relieved and thanked Julian but on the other hand he was jealous. So he left the scene and decided to look for his friends.

„Shhh. It´s going to be okay.", he knew that he would break her heart today again and felt so embarassed but what could he do? His parents had made that choice.

„I...I...am afraid.", Brooke whispered but he could hear her and hold her head and put down her cap to look into her beautiful eyes.

He kissed her lips softly „You don´t have to be. There is noone with a gun at school any more and..." but Brooke interrupted him. „Nooo but...everyone will hate me...and I can understand that." Julian looked confused down at her. „Noone hates you Brooke. Why should they?" „Because...because I let him kill himself...I was weak and...and now he...he is...", she could not say the word dead but started crying hard while Julian hold her tight again.

„Brooke. It is not your fault. Don´t you dare think that. Noone could have stopped him except the police." Brooke tried to believe that but the thought was so deep in her mind. Finally they entered the school step by step and went into class. Everyone was looking at Brooke. Not because they thought it was her fault but because they felt pity with her. She looked so vulnerable and small at the moment and everyone knew that she had been with Jimmy when he had shot himself.

Brooke hid herself under her baseballcap and wanted to vanish at the moment. Unfortunately Julian was in another class and her friends were not there at the moment. But then she heard Peyton and Haley entering the classroom and immediately she felt two friends hugging her tightly. They did not say anything but this hug showed everything. Although Brooke was not capable of hugging them back she felt a bit saver.

„So everyone. This is your last day of school before summer. We all know that it´s horrible what you had to go through. Jimmy Edwards is not under us any more." Haley and Peyton looked at Brooke. Brooke was hugging herself very tightly and biting on her lip, so that blood was falling down a bit. Peyton wanted to hold her hand but Brooke did not let her. Brooke felt like she was not worth it. She was the one that had let him killed himself. Nobody else but she. And now the teacher had to talk about it again.

„I know that you all feel lost and helpless. Today will be a different day than usual. We won´t talk about this whole year but about this incident and I want each one of you to write on this paper what you feel. It will be anonymous."

Everyone looked at the white paper and had to decide what to write. Brooke looked at the paper and did not know what to do. There were so many emotions inside of her. The teacher stood behind her and took a hand on her shoulder which made Brooke look down a bit more. „Take your time honey.", the teacher said to her. Honey? Mrs. Anderson had never called her honey. In fact Brooke thought that she hated her. After two hours everyone had given their wrtings to Mrs. Anderson. They still had two more hours and Mrs. Anderson told them that she was going to read everything to them, which Brooke had not expected and cursed herself for what she had written earlier.

Brooke knew that she was about to loose her strength and wanted to get out of the room so badly but that would mean catching the attention from everyone. And that was something she defintiley did not want.

So she was still sitting in her chair, trying not to cry and not to look up when the teacher started reading the letters.

„I feel helpless. I was so afraid when I heard the gun and I thought that I would never see my family again in my whole life. And the morning before the shooting I had a fight with my mom and I know that it would have broken her heart if I died. Sometimes I wake up and hear those loud sound coming from the gun. Then I am sweating like hell. The fact is I feel pity for Jimmy. I did not know him but he probably had so many problems and noone realized it. It´s just sad. And then I see this girl in my class and she was always the bubbly one and kinda my idol. Pretty and even intelligent and caring. And I can tell from her face that she is blaming herself..."

The teacher looked up a minute to see how Brooke reacted. It did not please her what she saw. Brooke was looking out of the window without any reaction, so she read further.

„I have never talked to her but I want to just hold her and tell her that it is not her fault. I´ve never seen her so vulnerable and small. So, when Mrs. Anderson reads this I want you to know, that it is not your fault. Everyone will know who I mean, so I don´t have to say your name. You will probably pretend not to listen but I know you do."

Haley and Peyton looked at each others. „You?", but Haley said „No". Neither Peyton nor Haley had written this letter. Mrs. Anderson continued with another letter.

„I hate Jimmy Edwards. I know it´s not nice to say that but he destroyed so many lifes. Especially the one of that cute and sexy girl besides me. Everyone has problems but I don´t come to school with a gun. Why didn´t he just talk to someone? We are not supposed to know what others feel if they don´t have the gut to tell us. Of course I am to blame too. I probably made fun of him sometimes. I am on the bully side and I am ashamed of it now. Yes, I blame myself and it makes me wanna hit a wall because I just don´t know what to do. Fuck. Why can´t we change back time. And then I look and her sad eyes and I wanna hit the shit out of a dead body. I mean did he realize what he was going to do to her? Her sparkle is gone and I hope that there is someone out there who can give it back to her."

Everyone was shocked that this letter was about Brooke as well. Brooke tried hard not to listen and to pretend that she did not care. She did not want to cry in front of the whole class.

„One of my best friend...", Brooke knew that this must be Haley or Peyton. „is so hurt. I don´t know what to do. I wanna hold her and tell her that everything will be better but how can I. I am always the one that is dark and broody." Now Brooke knew that this must be Peyton. „I wish I was with her when everything happened. It´s not fair that she has to go through this nightmare alone. But you don´t have to! You probably know who I am right now because...well, we know each other that long and right now you´re probably pretending not to listen but I know you do. I am there for you. Do you understand me. I´ll be at your side every minute. Even if you push me away. Even if you call me a bitch or whatever, I won´t leave you alone. And it is not your fault. How could it be? I fele helpless and alone. I wanna hold you tight but you won´t let any of us. Don´t misunderstand this. It´s totally okay if you don´t want us to hold you but don´t do it because you think you´re not worth it. I know you think that and I know you feel guilty. But those thoughts are fucking stupid. If you feel guilty how should we all?"

Some people in the class were crying right now.

„I am afraid. I am afraid to hear those shooting sounds at night. I am afraid to go back to school and see a gun that is not there. But what frightens me the most is loosing you."

Brooke was crying right now too. The tears went out of her eyes but still she looked out of the window without moving a bit.

„You will probably cry right now but stirr out of the window. I know you are still there and I will do anything to help you. I wish I could say I hate Jimmy Edwards. In some way I do because he not only killed himself but a part of you. But I know that you don´t hate him and I know that he was the victim too. We cannot help him any more but I can try helping you!"

Even Mrs. Anderson had tears in her eyes and looked at Brooke again. She was hiding under her baseball-cap but she knew that she was crying as well. Was it too much? Should she stop right now? She definitely did not want to torture Brooke or the others. But she continued with another letter.

„Each morning I wake up and think of Jimmy. I did not know him except that he was in the mathlete club with my friend and when he came on stage during the game. I feel guilty that I did not realize that he was in so much pain. And it´s sad that noone realized that. I am sorry to write that now but: It´s the past. We cannot change it any more but we can try to change our future. We can try to look out for other people and do not bully them. I am definitely not the bully type-in fact I was bullied when I was younger and it´s a horrible feeling. It makes you think that you are worthless and noone cares for you. Jimmy set an excample what bullying can lead to. I don´t want to say that it´s a good thing that he killed himself.

It´s definitely not BUT he made us think about us and the world. So now I don´t feel guilty but I want to open my eyes more to my surroundings. And then I see my beautiful friend. She is pretty, loved, nice, intelligent and caring. Yes, she still is but her eyes just tell me that she is starting to hate herself for something that was not her fault. I am not allowed to hug her any more and she was always the one that hugged us all the time. She does not talk any more. She looks like a tomboy and fashion was always her desire. I don´t care about her outward appearance at all but I care so much for her well-being. And at the moment I know that she is not well. I know she cries at night and screams.

I know she sees Jimmy everywhere, I know she blames herself and I know she thinks that it should have been herself instead of Jimmy."

Brooke could not believe that Haley knew all her thoughts. It was enough for her. She started sobbing and let her head rest on the table.

„I am sorry because I probably made you cry right now. But I just wanted to let you know that I am not going anywhere and I´ll be there for you and I will do anything , trust me, anything to make those stupid thoughts vanish in your head. And I know at least five other people who will do that as well. So Tigger. Don´t you think you´re alone, cause you´re not. You are stick with us cause we love you."

Brooke was now crying very hard. She tried not to but she felt even more guilty when she heard the letter. Why did her friends care for her? She wished they would stop and leave her alone. She was not a good person. She did not deserve them.

Mrs Anderson continued:

„Ps: Get those stupid thoughts out of your head. You deserve us and we deserve you and need you. So we won´t leave you alone, even if you want us to at the moment."

Mrs Anderson suddenly felt ashamed. She should have known that this would be to much for Brooke. She looked at the sobbing girl. She was not the only one who sobbed but somehow Mrs. Anderson still thought that this was something she had to do.

She was shocked when she opened the next letter. There was not only writing on it but also little sketches-pretty good sketches-of Jimmy Edwards when he was laughing and smiling and then when he was lying dead on someone else. But the head of the other person was only drawn in black so you could not recognize the person. Mrs. Anderson knew who had written this letter and was relieved that Brooke obviously had expressed her feelings. She started reading and did not know that this letter would bring her to tears and everyone else to tears.