Thank u all for reading and reviewing!
bjq: In this chapter you´ll see what Brooke´s letter said. Thank u for your review and making u cry means a lot to me ;)
Melissagirl: Yeah, it is really sad and kinda like torture but she had to "talk" about what is really on her mind. Thanks for reading it and reviewing!
Haleydavisbaker: Thank you for reviewing! Right now I will focus a bit more on other things instead of Brulian or Brucas. Of course I´ll add more love scenes later on but first a bit of drama will come!
JustLikeBrookeDavis: Lol. Yeah...another cliffhanger. Thanks for always taking your time to read and review!
Brooke sat motionless in class. Her head was resting at the table and she made sure that her baseball-cap did not allow others to see her face. It was just too much for her. She wanted to scream or run out of the room but somehow her body did not move a bit. It was like being in trance. "This isn´t happening. This isn´t happening. " , she thought. But it was happening.
Mrs. Anderson was looking at the letter and it took her a moment to read it out loud.
„He´s dead. I keep telling myself all the time but I still see him. I still smell him and I still know how it felt when his blood soaked my body. Red. I loved the colour red but now it only reminds me of his blood. I remember the sensation when he slapped me in the face and split my lip and when he threw me against the wall and hold the gun to my stomach and told me that it was my fault. I remember defending myself. It was never my intention to pull his friends away from him. I swear it really wasn´t. I would never do such things but then I realize I did those things. It´s even worse that I did not realize how mean I was and it makes me a bad person. I hate myself. I fucking hate myself. I let him kill himself. I am so blind and egoistic.
He said „I will never get out of this again. I will get into jail." and I wanted to tell him that in the end everything would be okay but then Boom. I hear those sound every time. I hear it when a door gets closed, I hear it at night and I definitely hear it when I see my face. I can´t even look at me cause I feel disgusted. I had seen his broken glasses and I sat besides him not long before he started the shooting and all I thought about was me. Yes, I asked him what had happened and he did not answer but why didn´t I go further in questioning? I cannot shower warm any more because it reminds me of his blood. When he shot himself in the head it was a horrible sound and I could feel the warm blood on my face and then his body just fell in my lap."
Mrs. Anderson looked at her pupils and realized that everyone except of Brooke Davis was crying really hard right now. She decided to stop reading the letter. She knew that Brooke would reveal even more details later on and she did not want to expose her at all. And she realized that it was too much for her pupils.
„I am not going to read any further because I can see that it´s time we really talk about it out loud."
A crying girl behind Brooke was the first one to speak and shocked everyone. She stood up and looked down at Brooke who looked out of the window. Brooke tried not to look up at her but somehow she did not manage. „I...just wanted to tell you that it was not your fault. I...I don´t know whether you know that I am Jimmy´s cousin." Brooke had to swallow hard and looked ashamed away. „Jimmy...was always talking good things about you and how cute you were when you started in the math club. I think he had a crush on you a bit. Yes, he was angry that you chose him as the joker during the game but on the other hand he told me that he felt so honoured that you chose him...and...Brooke...it´s definitely not your fault. I am glad that Jimmy had his last moments with you.", the girl cried hard and took Brooke´s hands in hers. „Could...could you look at me?", she pleaded. At first Brooke did not do anything but then she looked up at the girl and the tears fell down her cheek. „It´s not your fault, okay. I loved Jimmy and I would probably hate you if I thought it was your fault because...he was my family. Umm...I found this in his room.", she took out a drawing that showed Brooke smiling. Brooke looked at it and was shocked. Jimmy Edwards had drawn her? It was a pretty good drawing and it said „I love her smile." The girl sat down again while Brooke looked shocked at the drawing and suddenly lost her temper. It was just enough. Why would he love her smile? She felt like she could never smile again in her whole life. She took a red pencil and painted furiously over her smile and face. The others looked shocked at her and did not know what to do. Peyton tried to get the pencil but Brooke slapped her hand away and then pulled the drawing into pieces and that´s when she started to yell „Who cares whether he liked my smile. He is dead. Do you understand it?", she looked at his cousin. „Don´t say it´s not my fault cause it is. You weren´t there. I let him kill him. He is dead. He...", Mrs. Anderson was standing behind Brooke and tried to calm her down but Brooke protested „Don´t touch me.", Brooke screamed and fell to the floor. Mrs Anderson immediately went down with her and took her pupil into her arms and pressed Brooke´s head hard against her chest. Brooke cried so hard and clung to Mrs. Anderson.
The other pupils did not know what to do. „I think it is better to continue talking tomorrow.", Mrs. Anderson said from the ground while holding the broken Brooke. Brooke tried to get free but there was no way. At the moment Mrs. Anderson was glad that she worked as a psychologist before starting teaching and somehow could handle the situation. „Haley and Peyton. Could you stay here with us?", of course Haley and Peyton nodded.
Half an hour later Brooke was exhausted in Mrs. Anderson arms. Mrs. Anderson had managed to get into a chair with her and now Brooke was sitting on her lap and hiding her head in her chest. Peyton and Haley caressed her back all the time and their eyes were puffy red from all the crying.
„Could you bring me the letter, Haley?", Haley nodded and looked at the horrible yet beautiful drawing on it. „Brooke.", Mrs. Anderson looked down at her but Brooke hid her face. „I stopped reading the letter because I don´t want you to feel exposed to the class. But I know that Haley and Peyton are one of your best friends and I think it is important to let them know what you feel." Haley immediately answered „Brooke. I really wanna help you and...and...", Haley sobbed again, so Peyton finished her sentence „we are there for you and would like to know what is in your stubborn head." Peyton smiled when she saw that Brooke had a little hint of a smile when she had said stubborn.
On the one hand Brooke did not want them to know what she had written, on the other hand she did want it. She felt so alone and ashamed of her feelings and thoughts.
Mrs. Anderson opened the letter and started reading. She felt Brooke stiffen up and hiding her face even more.
„He made such weird movements and I thought „maybe he is still alive?". What a dumb thought! He wasn´t. Finally his movements stopped and I can still smell his blood and then it started soaking through my shirt and short. There was blood everywhere and it was a warm sensation. I did not feel scared at that moment or disgusted. Just empty. And that´s how I still feel. Empty. I see my friends who try to help me and it makes me angry at them. Why do they want to help a person like me? Don´t they realize that I am a horrible person? I don´t want to hurt them but I just cannot get hugged or hear what they want to say. I can´t. I just wanna leave everything behind me and be alone right now. I cannot even describe my emotions any more. It´s like I don´t know myself any more.
Sometimes I only cry because those images are haunting me and I know I could have prevented it. Then I just feel nothing and other times I am so furious. I´ve never been so furious in my whole life and it scares me. I really wish he shot me and not himself."
Peyton and Haley gasped and were crying right now even harder. They tried not to make any sound and hold each others hands. Brooke on the other hand did not cry but tried to leave this situation mentally.
„Yesterday I was so mad that I hit my head on the wall a thousand times till it was starting to bleed and a big bump is now showing me how weak I am."
Peyton and Haley looked shocked at each others. That was obviously one of the reasons Brooke had to wear a basecap. Mrs. Anderson took off Brooke´s cap carefully and was shocked how big the bump was. It was not only one but Brooke´s whole forehead was in bruises. „Oh honey.", she whispered and then continued.
„It did not feel like me at all but the pain made me realize that I am still alive. I was in such a rage that I destroyed all my favourite stuff. When I finally even destroyed my grandma´s mirror I could see the blood flooding down my arm."
Brooke hold her sleeves tight. She did not want anyone to see her wound but Peyton grabbed her arm and then looked shocked at it. She remembered the time she had been hurting herself after her mother´s death and how Brooke had helped her. Never in all her life had she expected it to be the other way around. Brooke. Her cheery Brooke.
She run her finger over the wound and then kissed it. That was what Brooke had always done and it was the first time that Brooke looked into Peyton´s eyes. Peyton smiled at her and Brooke just whispered „I am sorry."
„I did not panic like in the past. I just looked at it and hoped that sooner or later I would be bloodless. I am scared of myself. Isn´t that a stupid thing to say? I really don´t want to act so stupid, like I am a victim. I really don´t. I wanna let my friends be there for me. I wanna tell them everything. I wanna be there for them as well and I wanna enjoy life but I just can´t. I can´t pretend that I am a good person. I can´t pretend that it was not my fault that Jimmy Edwards killed himself and I cannot pretend that I love myself or that I am happy. I was never good in lying. I really try. I try my best and I know I am hurting my friends so much and I see their scared faces and helplessness but what can I do?
I feel like I am trapped in my own nightmare and I realize that it would only change if I could turn back time. If I could save Jimmy. God Jimmy. I am so, so sorry.
All I want to do right now is sleeping. Is it possible to sleep your life away cause that is what I really would want to do. I am exhausted. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I get so furious and end up with bruises and I just want to be alone.
But if I am honest to myself it´s not really true. I just want to be a kid again. I want my mom to hold me and tell me that everything will be all right. It´s so stupid. I never cried for my mom. I haven´t seen her in two years and when I called her yesterday she told me that I should stop acting like a baby and stop pitying myself cause I am not the one who is dead and I would probably go on everyones nerves-not only hers-if I continue whining so much all the time.
God. I am really messed up. I want to stop whining and crying and screaming but it´s like I have no control over it. And I am so, so sorry that I am a burden to everyone. Maybe I should just run away. My friends are better off without me! In fact everyone is. Jimmy knows that the best. But to be honest. I am so scared. I am scared of everyhing. I am exhausted and I just want someone to tell me that it will be alright. That the images will fade and that I can try to be lovable. Here I am again. The egoistic one. Talking only about me while Jimmy´s family is going through hell. But I cannot help it. I feel so helpless, ashamed and guilty."
Haley and Peyton could not stop crying and looked at Brooke who did not move a bit on Mrs. Anderson lap. They tried to take her hands but she always pulled them away.
„Jimmy, I am so sorry. Really. I am. I did not mean to hurt you and I did not want you to kill yourself. It was all my fault."
Brooke still pretended not to listen or be „there" when Mrs. Anderson read the last sentence „I still hope that I am only dreaming or someone will save me. But I guess I am not worth saving."
There was silence a while. You could only hear Peyton´s and Haley´s sobbings. They tried to stop crying but couldn´t. Although they knew that Brooke had those thoughts it was a different thing hearing what she had written. Mrs. Anderson softly shifted Brooke from her lap and Brooke sat down on the chair and hid her head again on her knees and hugged herself. „I´ll give you some space and wait outside.", the teacher thought that it was time for Brooke and her friends to be alone and went outside. There she met a woman that looked like Brooke but older. She was sure that this was Brooke´s mother and decided to give her the letter. She did not know at the moment that this was not a good idea.