Mary Bennet could barely recognize herself, let alone her life. Moments like this, seemed like the fantasies Mary would fill her hours alone with. Sitting here on a piano bench with Anne De Bourgh and Georgianna Darcy, laughing and trying to teach Anne basic notes and finger positions. A simple quiet afternoon, something most people would take for granted. Nothing worth fantasizing about. A year ago she did not have a friend in the world. She was invisible in her own home, adrift in an ocean of personalities and overwhelmed by the waves of noise. Now she had friends, both those here with her and Susan away at Mansfield. Mary no longer felt uncomfortable in her own skin, she no longer worried constantly about her merit, she no longer felt she had to justify her existence and inclusion.
Her relationship with her sisters was also a completely different creature compared to what it was twelve months prior. There was still somewhat of a separation between herself and her sisters, but they all valued each other more. No longer holding each other responsible for the way their parents or others compared them. It took having friends outside of her family and seeing others dynamics to let go of her anger. To stop holding her sisters responsible for her being compared to them constantly. Mary had realized it was just a natural result of spending too much time with people older than her. That she had been held to an unfair standard of maturity. When Catherine first abandoned Mary and her companionship for Lydia, Mary attempted to move to spending time with her elder sisters. From that moment she always felt so childish and less accomplished. She failed to measure up in every way. Now however she could see that her only failure was allowing herself to be measured by a standard of people two and four years her elder. Of course she was childish, she was a child, of course she was less accomplished than Jane, less enlightened than Lizzy. Comparing herself now at 19 to the people they had been at that age was a very different measure. Adults have a way of lumping children into expectations without regards to their differing ages. She had been walking around in a miss-sized idea of adulthood, like a little girl in her sisters too large dresses.
The realization had left Mary going over the issues with Lydia and wondering how many times had she done the same to her. Expected her to act with the maturity of a grown woman despite being a child. Mary could take the blame for some of her own feelings and judgements against Lydia, but not many. Many arose from legitimate concern for Lydia's safety and all of their standing. It was Lydia and her mother that had rushed Lydia out into society. Lydia may have been the requisite age but she did not have the knowledge or tools to move among women. Mary had attempted to apologize to Lydia in one of her previous letters. Lydia's response had been to tell Mary she was never unprepared or out of HER depth as Mary had clearly been. While her apologies had been rebuffed, she felt better for having made them. Nothing Mary could do now but try not to repeat the mistakes with Catherine. Though honestly Catherine had come into her own just as much as Mary, in some ways Mary could admit she much exceeded her.
"We have lost her again. Oh dear, Mary has vanished after some deep thought and left us to chase her." Georgianna teased bringing Mary back to the present. That was another great development of the past few months, being able to see Georgie come out of her shell.
"Forgive me, I was just taking a moment to be grateful for all I have and for the luck that brought all of you both to my corner of the world." Mary, usually reserved and afraid to speak, was emboldened by Georgianna's warmth. Sharing her feelings, may not have been the expected or polite conversation, but she felt the honesty out weighed the impoliteness.
Anne, usually even more reserved than Mary, spoke up, surprising them both "we all have much to be grateful for her of late. I don't think I will ever be able to think of another place with as much joy as I do Netherfield. It has brought me a true family, and real friends. Things I never even imagined to exist for me. I had not even missed them, because I could not fathom that such contentment could exist.
Georgianna took up both of their hands for a quick squeeze. "This place will always be special for all of us. We have found not only each other, but ourselves. Now enough of this sentimentality, you will both have me crying and have to explain why I am all blotchy. Back to this song."
Fanny groaned to herself, pausing outside the breakfast room. She had never cared that Henry was a late riser before this week. Usually him staying abed longer than her just meant a quiet and calm start to the day. A time for her to address her letters and business. To refill the calm and energy she needed to have the days necessary social interactions. Henry had come to understand that her social abilities were not limitless like his. That she needed times like her quiet mornings between social demands.
This week however had brought Henry's Uncle to their home. As with most military men, he rose with the sun. Though with no purpose in their home but to remain in the breakfast room expecting her to engage with him. Which would have been trying for her to entertain any guest alone. The Admiral made it even more trying by making snide little quips about her and her management of the ladies side of the household. Fanny wanted to burst into tears just thinking about entering the room. She was so tired, not physically tired, but a tiredness of the soul. Fanny wanted so much to respect and honor the man that Henry saw as a father. Wanted to be a respectable hostess to his guests. These wishes were however, set to war with her inability to silently agree to things she felt to be wrong. Especially where Henry was concerned. To sit silent while the Admiral sneered and taunted her about Henry. The Admiral saw the calmer and more responsible side of Henry as a flaw, a flaw that she was to blame for.
The muscles in Fanny's chest constricted, her stomach churning. She was far from hungry any longer. She knew respect for her guest meant she must enter and greet him, but she never hated the strictures that demanded it more. If there was one thing she had gained from the constant attention of her Aunt Norris it was the ability to place her emotions behind a screen in her mind and move forward. Closing her eyes she envisioned pulling her feelings back into herself. Saw the sensitive emotional nerves, those that allowed her to feel the slightest shift in mood of those around her as roots. Pictured them in her mind pulling back to a protected place within her, like a tree's roots retreating from dry barren soil. Nestling behind stone walls that would protect them. When this was done she did a final inventory of herself to ensure she appeared plussed. Shoulders relaxed, a smile placed on her face, posture tall but gentle. She entered the room.
"Good morning Admiral." Fanny walked as calmly as she could muster toward her end of the table, where her mail and tea were awaiting her.
Looking up, the Admiral quirked a brow at her. "I see you have managed to stretch your apron strings long enough to allow Henry a lie-in again. I am surprised to not see him kneeling beside your chair like a good little lap dog." Smirking into his tea, he dropped his eyes back to his paper like he had commented on the weather, rather than insulting her and Henry. As if she would have no response or reaction.
Fanny feeling the stone walls she had tried to assemble around herself crumbling and cracking continued to her chair. Placing shaking hands beneath the table as she sat. She took a deep breath trying to hold back the tears that always came with her anger. Fanny hated her reaction, always being made to feel weak and delicate when the tears came. Like she had been damaged and her feelings hurt. She was hurt, but that is not what had her eyes filling. It was the impotent rage, the anger that swelled within her with no possible outlet. Banging against the inside of her ribs like a wild crow placed in a pet sparrow's cage.
Admiral Crawford seemed to find some sort of satisfaction at her reaction. Smug joy lighting up a smile. Folding his paper and giving her his full attention "What has the little mouse no teeth today. Where is all that fight you had to subdue Henry? Have you no wish to battle against a more potent adversary?" Leaning forward onto the table as if to push into her space despite the distance of the large table. "Now that you have lost, you will sit back sniffling and play the victim. My late wife was much the same, even if you let her win she would just keep coming for you until you put her in her place. Then she wanted to play the poor damaged dear. She finally saw things my way in the end though. She straightened out. Learning not to begin her foolery with me."
Fanny managed to pull back the tide, at least temporarily. But the wish to be nice, to be respectful, to reach out to this man and give him a chance was gone. A cold emptiness settled in its place. "There I think Admiral is where we differ. You see our difference in views as a war to be won or lost. Each conversation is a battle, set to inflict as much damage as possible. I however saw our differences as a river to be bridged. I knew we were different, but I love Henry and he loves you. So despite our differences, I attempted to reach a middle safe ground. One where we could both love him in peace. I win nothing from putting you down or driving you away. Hurting you, triumphing over you, driving you away, this would hurt Henry. He is not a prize, I need to hoard away from others."
Fanny let the cold detachment restore her composure. " I can not speak for the late Mrs. Crawford, but I imagine she tried much the same. She reached out to you. Laboring to build a bridge to you, which you either destroyed or ignored. Much as I have done. As such she would not see your retreat as a win, but as you not reaching for her as she reached for you. We did not pursue you to challenge, but to try to reach further towards you. To which you responded by lashing out like a rabid dog. When she finally gave up and stopped reaching for you, when she saw you as no longer worth her care, you saw victory. What victory is there to be found in making someone no longer care to know you. In someone who politely nods and agrees with you only because they see you as no different than that of a cold acquaintance, one they may pass on the street."
Fanny stood, picking up her letters. "Well then congratulations are due. For you this must be another grand victory Admiral. For I am done reaching for you. I may not eject you from our home, you are here at Henry's will. That does not mean I must remain. I no longer need to suffer your snapping teeth. I will be sure to further absent myself from this house when you shall be present. Have a good day Admiral, enjoy your visit."
Fanny walked for the hall, not waiting for a response. She was sure her Uncle, Tom and Jane would not be too put out by an unplanned visit from her. Reaching the door she was surprised to see an angry Henry standing just inside the frame. Her heart sunk further, the tears she had been fighting, escaping now. She dropped her eyes and muttered "I am so sorry Henry, I cannot bear this. I will go visit my Uncle." Knowing how much his Uncle meant to him, and how much a divide would hurt Henry made her feel like the villain the Admiral cast her as. Overwhelmed completely, she fled for her bedchamber to cry in peace.
Henry had woken when Fanny left the room to dress. Not wishing to leave Fanny to entertain his Uncle for long without him he had reluctantly left bed shortly there after. Henry had reached the hall to the breakfast room just in time to hear his Uncle lash out at Fanny and accuse her of subduing him. He had frozen shocked to hear the taunts comparing her to a mouse, he had spoken to his Uncle of the way her family treated her, confided his anger at their use of the insult. To hear his Uncle turn his confidences into weapons against Fanny hurt. Though the betrayal of his confidence hurt less than seeing someone he loves trying to harm his wife. To undermine the happiness they were building in his home. An enemy behind the walls of the fortress. The dismissive way he spoke of his Aunt was sobering as well. He knew they were unhappy together, but had always just viewed it as two people too different to be happy. The eyes and ears of a child see things differently than those of a husband with a wife of his own. Henry entered the breakfast room aghast. His disgust clearly evident in his features.
Admiral Crawford just snorted, picking up his tea "Have you come to scold me now too dear nephew, like I am the child and you the adult. Sorry to upset you delicate little miss. Consider me reprimanded and you can run back to her side and coddle her. What a sad boring creature you have become."
Henry had enough, the veil falling completely from the idealized view he had of his Uncle "It is called growing up Uncle. We all have to do it someday. We reach a point where others come to depend on us. You may want to consider doing it yourself one of these days."
"I am responsible for the lives of men on every ship I command, do not think to lecture me about responsibility boy." The Admirals' genial irreverence was gone in a snap.
Henry's hurt and anger were welling inside him he snapped back "And what of on land? The boys they hand you become men at sea, aboard your ships. But what type of men are you sending them home as? What example do you set? You are given us boys to shape and help grow. What type of men do you send us into the world as? The kind you would want a daughter of yours to know?" Henry scoffed then, the veil gone, seeing his own sister's treatment in a different light. "Then again for all the care you had for Mary, maybe you would not care what sort of men this world is made of. Even for a daughter. I am not you. I want better for my daughters. I want my sons to be better men than I was. To be superior even to the man I am now. I want better than for them to even know men like you. I pray my daughters never come to love men like you."
Henry started to walk away. He stopped turning back to his Uncle. "The worst part of all of this, is that Fanny saw you for what you are, and still tried to care for you, to have room in her heart for you. She never had a chance. I know this because if she were a man you would love her, you would respect her. You would see all of her intelligence, and kindness. You would value her as she deserves. You can endlessly expatiate on the qualities of William Price. His strong morality, his quick intelligence, his selfless drive to help others. Fanny is his superior in every way, he would be the first to tell you this. That she is the best of them. But you cannot treat her with an iota of respect or even simple decency. For the crime of simply being not born a man. She tried to let you in, to care for you. You need not even have returned that care, all you needed to do was be civil and not mistreat her. God, I fought so hard for her regard and love, her respect. You were given it freely and smashed it to spite her. You have no idea the treasure you have forsaken."
Trying to regain some of his composure he continued. "Your actions have disrespected me as well, you have betrayed my confidences, and mistreated those of my protection in my very home. I am too angry for Fanny to even fully feel this betrayal of myself, but make no mistake we will address it as well. I also think in the future your time ashore would be better served at the hospitality of someone you can respect. Because this little display shows that you have no respect for me or my home." Henry, having no wish to continue in his Uncle's presence, went to find his wife.
"FITZ MAJOR" Bingley sprung on the man as he swung down from his horse. Enthusiastically grabbing his forearm in one hand and squeezing the shoulder of the new arrival with the other.
The tall man smiled at Binley, throwing his wind messed hair from his face and grinning wildly. "Bingley my man, my favorite little brother. Why was I last invited to your little country affair? You have gone and given the dreadful duo first pick of the lovely ladies. Bad enough to snag the best for yourself, but to have found ladies of such utter beauty to move the sticks from the arses of Will and Willer over here and have kept me from throwing in my hat, well that is a travesty."
Fitzwilliam sighed exasperatedly, his composure and ire threatened in only the way one's older siblings can manage. "Charles, I see you have taken time from your busy schedule of disparaging the family name to grace us with your presence. Also you could refrain from referring to Bingley as your favorite brother when I, your actual brother, am standing right here."
"Little Fitzy, I thought we settled this at Eton. I traded you to Darcy here in exchange for the little brother he collected. Us Charleses just have no business being held back in our fun by you Williams. Terrible bores, the whole lot of you." Throwing an arm around Bingley, Charles Fitzwilliam scanned the front of Netherfield as a groom took away his horse.
Fitzwilliam sighed again "You know our father is named William as well?"
His brother's smirk only grew. "Exactly. Hence why I am here today, instead of traveling with Mother and Father later. Too many Wills. You sad serious creatures. Grandfather Charles would have supported me in this."
Darcy shook his head. The smile he had been trying to hide peaking its way out. "Fitz, remind me to break this curse when I have children and stop this madness. Why our family seems to think all children must be named Charles, William, George, Catherine or Ann has never been explained. Especially when all the Charles turn out like this walking disaster."
"Enough of you no longer littler, little Will. Charles, where are you hiding the cousins I actually like. Mother told me Ann is here and I will not even have to deal with the swamp witch to see her. I have missed her and Sarah. Georgie is here too? Maybe with the Wills distracted Ann and I will have a clear field to corrupt her some."
Bingley laughed "I find it hard to believe that Miss de Bourgh would do such a thing. She is far too good natured to conspire to such."
"Oh you poor dear boy, she had taken you in with the Aunt Catherine safe façade. She is just as devious as the rest of us. Do not buy the upright act she and Darcy put on. They are all Fitzwilliams at the core. Our blood wins out."
Leading them toward the house Charles smiled, glad to have found himself a part of this ridiculous family. "Sadly Fitz major, you will have to wait to see your fair cousins and put up with our sad company for a while longer. Anne and Georgie are entertaining one of the Miss Bennets and it would not be appropriate for us to spring you on her without notice. We had not planned for you until at least tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow after we all get around we can take you down to meet Bennet so we will not have to worry about introductions with the way his ladies and ours run back and forth."
"See Charles, this is why you are my favorite. You know that when the Viscount Milton arrives on your door your first priority is to make sure is acquainted with the lovely ladies of the neighborhood. I hope the second is a stiff drink and a good meal. It has been a tiresome ride."
Fitzwilliam looked to Darcy as Bingley and his brother disappeared into the house. "It is a good thing that once accepted, our dear ladies cannot back out. First Aunt Catherine and now this circus act."
Darcy sighed as well. "Well at least these last couple of years he only jests at being a useless rake. Instead of actually being one."
"True. Silver linings and all that. You do not think that he and Ann will take back up their pranks now that we are all back under the same roof, do you?" Fitzwilliam asked concerned.
Darcy cringed. "Best to keep an eye on your tea and make sure you check your bed before getting into it just in case."