"So you got it? When the louses return-"
"Will you stop referring to my boyfriend as a louse!"
Shizuo fumed and gritted his teeth, speaking slowly as if to keep himself from biting his counterpart's head clean off his neck. Had Izaya been there, he would have called it a suicide attempt, kind of.
"Fine. When the Izayas return we're gonna tie them up real nice-"
"We don't even have rope."
"Stop killing my plan!"
Shizuo picked Shizzy and dangled him from his shirt lapel. He had decided to do like Izaya as far as planning ahead went but it was not working. And he was sure the whiskey bottle he had just jugged down had absolutely nothing to do with it, no.
"Put me down! Violence is not the answer!"
"Fuck you."
He dropped Shizzy who fell in a tangle of limbs. Shizzy was still struggling to his feet when Shizuo handed him the sign post.
"What am I supposed to do with this?"
"Smash stuff. Doesn't matter what. It's training."
As if on cue the puppy dashed toward them and barked excitedly.
"That'll do. Moving target is best since those Izayas can run. I once chased Izaya all the way from Ikebukuro to Narita airport."
"You know, for someone who hates Izaya you sure spend a lot of time talking about him not to mention chasing him…and what do you mean hit my pet?"
Shizuo lit a cigarette and his eyebrows twitched.
"What are you implying?"
"I'm saying you're obsessed, and I'm not implying, I'm outright saying it!"
Behind the colored lenses Shizuo narrowed his eyes into slits.
"I chase him around because I hate Izaya. This isn't one of those stupid stories where the guys that fight all the time want to get it on."
Shizzy tried to lift the sign post. It was heavy.
"Right. If you want to kill him so much, how come he's still very much alive?"
Shizuo dropped the cigarette.
"That's because he's fast! Why do I have to say the same thing a million times until you get it? He always dodges! And evades! And flees! Hell, he's just- a fucking louse, that's what he is!"
The whiskey got to his heated head and Shizuo ended up tripping on the mutt and falling flat on his face.
"Are you alright? You shouldn't drink so much, it's bad for you."
Shizzy helped him to his feet but they somehow got entangled and most definitely on the floor. Shizuo was drunk enough to steal a rough kiss with plenty of biting thrown in for good measure. Shizzy tried to scramble away but before he made any headway the door opened and the Izayas waltzed in.
"Shizzy! We're back! Oh? What were you doing?"
True to their innate scheming nature Izaya and Izzy had indeed swapped clothes and were happily impersonating each other for the sake of having as much fun as possible.
"Izzy…help!"
Shizuo kicked Shizzy aside and struggled to get up.
"Shizzy, how could you…I leave you alone for a few minutes and you go and cheat on me like this!"
Shizzy's jaw dropped.
"It wasn't like that! He just jumped on me!"
Izaya faked some very genuine looking tears.
"My heart is broken now!"
Shizuo managed to crawl all the way to the sofa and throw himself on it.
"Fucking louses are back."
Izzy skipped to Shizuo.
"Shizu-chan, you don't look too good! Something wrong?"
"Gah…"
That was all Shizuo could get to before vomiting on the carpet. Shizzy flipped.
"The IKEA carpet!"
Izaya wondered what he'd do if he knew what they had done to the über expensive Ferrari seats. Apparently this was a shared thought because both Izayas giggled.
"Shizu-chan seems to be sick! I know, a nice warm bath will make him feel so much better!"
Shizzy was still flailing. Izaya grabbed Shizzy's hand with both of his hands and peered, all tear-eyed.
"Shizzy, I'll forgive you if you do what's decent and help us carry Shizuo to the master bathroom."
By now the Izayas were not even making any sense. But Izaya was very convincing in pressing Shizzy's hand and looking somber. In the end, it worked:
"Okay…I guess."