-::[ Some Kind of Heaven - Sleeping at Last ]::-
'Just a little longer.'
Those four words repeated in Fox's head as they'd been for the last decade. It was just a little longer until he'd finally get his wish. This could all be over. He could go home and finally turn the page from this horrible, unforgiving chapter of his life.
The pen slowly drifted toward the paper, its inky point reaching the sheet with lethargy.
Begrudgingly, Fox began to write.
It shouldn't be much longer.
He couldn't remember where he was in the solar system now. Their carrier had long since exited the communications range of Lylat. Their navigation system had switched from running on the work of explorers to becoming the explorer itself. The only reason he had to go in one of the infinite other directions of open space was… something Slippy got excited about. Fox couldn't remember. Supplies were fine… His friends' morale had stayed healthy, yet he suffered the worst on this journey the most. Deep down, the parasitic self-doubt blamed himself for subjecting them to this. No matter how many times they'd told him they wanted to go with him. It didn't matter. None of it did. It made him withdraw. It made him feel like a ghost. Floating. Somewhere else. Somewhere not here.
He sighed, reeling his emotions in as best he could.
I've been having trouble sleeping.
The closer they approached the debris field in the far reaches of the universe, the more anxiety continued to eat away at him. He knew this would happen. Krystal, Falco, Slippy… They knew this would happen. It hurt. He wanted to be happy but all he could manage was to fight off the isolation as he heard the joy emanating from the other room.
Look where that got us, he figured.
It got him here, staring at a piece of paper in his room. Everyone else was long asleep, ready to undock once they'd reached the destination tomorrow. Krystal bade him goodnight earlier, hesitantly accepting his promise that he'd be fine. She knew better. He knew that she knew otherwise and she knew that he knew that she knew that wouldn't be the case. Comms had been silent for weeks now, the only voices to keep each other company being themselves. Fox tried to pull it together; to put his emotions aside and be the headstrong, stoic leader ready to fight at the front of his crew.
A sarcastic snort escaped him as he remembered floating in his spacesuit, thinking he could resolve it himself.
How wrong he was.
Now being awake feels unsafe.
He hated the feeling of burdening his friends. It made him feel like he was somewhere he shouldn't. A captain doesn't burden his crew with something he dealt with in private. He resented himself for the doubt that always followed when he tried to talk about it. Everyone was there, waiting for him. Wanting for him. Here for him.
He couldn't do it.
The question he feared most festered in his mind. Whether all of this was worth it or not made his blood pressure rise and his fists ball. He wanted to pick up and throw everything on his desk against the wall and hit it enough times until his fingers broke. He hated that question. He hated the isolation that followed it. He hated–
The pen broke.
Fox stared blankly at it, slowly unclenching his quivering hands.
A shaky sigh escaped his nose.
He picked it up and put it in a small trash can on his desk. Several other utensils that suffered the same fate waited for the next one to join them. The last unopened package of ink pens lay in wait next to it. Fox's hand hovered in front of it. His emotions were proving too destructive to be put on paper. Keeping it suppressed like he'd always done would end up in him snapping at his friends. No. That wasn't the kind of precedent he wanted to set. Not in front of two of his oldest friends and especially not towards the woman he wanted to start a life with.
He put his hand back down.
Crumpled paper littered the area surrounding the overflowing trash can.
'Krystal,' he thought. He hated how weak his mentality sounded.
He felt something shift. Something only she'd let him feel.
'It happened again.' He shouldn't have to do this.
Fox rubbed his eyes, before resting his chin on his hands. His gaze watched the sea of stars outside. The feeling tugged again.
'I'm sorry. I can't control it.' You should've been able to. You could have if you were better.
The mental pull yanked harder. It willed him to his feet. His nape stood on end. Shivers crawled along his skin. His shallow breaths achieved silence. Silence was good. Silence was peaceful.
Silence was comforting.
Her presence was comforting.
He took in a breath as she hugged him. Everything hurt. He said the only words he could; the only words he could say in the moment that felt like truth.
"I'm sorry."
A blue finger was held against his mouth. Her hand traced along the side of his face. Krystal shook her head. Don't be sorry, she said. This time it really was just a little longer. Everything would make sense. Broken things would be remade. In due time, the pain would be replaced. Krystal sat him down on the foot of his bed, where she pulled his head against her shoulder.
The pain would be replaced, Krystal told him.
He took comfort in her confidence.
It felt nice to be the follower.
She was usually right.
this came from a pretty dark place. sorry if it got more emotional than expected.