A/N:
Song "Cry" By Mandy Moore
I'll always remember
It was late afternoon
It lasted forever
And ended so soon, yeah
You were all by yourself
Staring up at a dark grey sky
I was changed
In places no one will find
All your feelings so deep inside
Was there that I realized
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry
The moment that I saw you cry
I'll always remember
It was late afternoon
In places no one will find
All your feelings so deep inside
Chapter 16
It had been a month since the disastrous breakfast with Emma. Booth was glad he got to find out more about her life and that he got a chance to comfort her the same way she had comforted him.
Booth was sitting at his desk trying hard to concentrate on the files in front of him, but his mind kept going back to Thanksgiving, only a few days ago. It had been horrible - no family, no friends... not even Emma. He spent the holiday completely alone. Usually his house was full of family members and friends, but this year he didn't want to be surrounded by them. He didn't want to be reminded of how happy everyone was while he was miserable. So, he sat at his desk, trying to work, when there was a light tapping on his office door.
"Excuse me Director Booth, your two o'clock is here," Margaret announced.
Booth closed his paperwork, "Okay, send them in."
Margaret left, and Hodgins walked in.
"You are my two o'clock Hodgins?" Booth asked, amused.
"This is the only way I could actually talk to you," Hodgins replied and sat down in the chair in front of Booth's desk. Hodgins had made an appointment, because otherwise Booth would always say 'I'm too busy,' and they would end up going months without talking. They had been friends for a long time, and Hodgins had seen Booth through many ups and downs, and vice-versa. This time, he knew that it was by far the worst Booth had ever been. Hodgins' heart twisted every time he saw Booth's face. Hodgins was Liz's Godfather, and he felt a certain responsibility to keep Booth's spirits up. He knew how much he missed his little Goddaughter, so he could only imagine how Booth felt.
Booth looked up, his weary eyes resigned. It had to happen sooner or later, and it would probably be better to get it over with. Apparently Hodgins was not buying his excuses anymore. "Fair enough. What's going on?"
"I'm concerned. I know you don't want to talk about it, and I know you don't want to hear anything from any of us, but we are like a family, you know we are, and you always said that, so I'm a concerned family member."
Booth frowned, knowing where this was going.
"If we are like a family Booth, how come you are not turning to your family in times like these?" Hodgins understood Booth's tendency to go inside himself, but he didn't think it was good for him to do it now.
"I turned to you. I asked for help in some really tough cases that I normally would have had my agents handle." Booth didn't want to go there. He wondered what Emma was doing right now. He glanced at his watch, knowing she had two o'clock choir. He wished he had a two o'clock anything to avoid this talk with Hodgins.
"That's not what I'm talking about, and you know it." Hodgins said, far from placated.
"Yeah, I know." Booth bit his lower lip, a habit he'd picked up from his wife.
"Well, so?"
"So what?" he sighted deeply. "Hodgins, say whatever it is you want to say." Booth felt instantly guilty. "Look, I know you mean well, and I know Cam and Angela mean well, and even Daisy means well, but I don't want to talk to any of you about this."
"Why? You have to be eaten up inside, and Brennan too. Why the heck can't you two get together and help each other? You are married for god's sake. Married couples are supposed to help each other; they aren't supposed to turn their backs on each other at a time like this. Maybe if Father Michael…" Hodgins wasn't as religious as Booth, but he knew Booth had his faith and parish.
"Hodgins, Bones is the one who doesn't want me around, and Father Michael, well, all he can do is pray... a lot of good that did us." Booth was angry and upset, and he wasn't high on his faith. He doubted he would ever believe in anything the same way again. This test was the one that broke him.
"Booth, you know there are reasons we just can't see…"
"Oh, please Hodgins, give me a break. Give me one good reason why my daughter is dead? Tell me you understand why your Goddaughter, the little girl you doted on like a second father, is gone? You got an answer to that? Because if you do, please tell me what the hell it is." Booth's anger was getting louder and louder.
Angela came in, quickly shutting the door behind her. Her eyes were flashing at Hodgins. "What did you do? I'm having a meeting with Caroline a few doors down, and I could hear everything." She pointed towards the conference room. "What did you do to upset Booth like this? I told you not to bother him." She wanted to smack Hodgins on the head.
"I didn't do anything. Booth was already upset," Hodgins said in his own defense.
"I wasn't upset until you just couldn't leave it alone," Booth argued.
"I can't stand by and watch as you let this eat you up from inside out." Hodgins' sensitive heart showed plainly on his reddened face.
"Well, what the hell do you expect of me?" Booth was tired of trying to fend them all off. He was tired of all their well meaning platitudes and looks, tired of the stares and the awkward moments when someone said Brennan's name. He was just so sick of everything.
"I just wanted to show you we care and that you need to find a way to make Brennan see that you care too… you are her husband."
Booth laughed at the irony of his words.
"You are," Hodgins insisted.
Angela saw Booth was getting more and more fed up.
"That's enough now Hodgins. I'm sure Booth knows how much we all care."
"Well, I'm not finished. He's a married man, and his wife is sick with grief, and he's all alone... it just shouldn't be like this." Hodgins got out his own frustration, tears forming in his eyes. He turned to Angela. "I had to tell him that."
"Well, not here. Hodgins, this isn't the time or the place, maybe we should all take some time after work… Booth then you could…"
"I don't intend to share my grief like some banner or billboard you all get to view. Okay? I will deal with this in my own time and in my own way, and the sooner you all get that, the better off I will be." Booth was not yelling, but his emphasis on the words was enough to make Angela and Hodgins take a few steps back.
Angela motioned to Hodgins that it was time for him to leave, but she made no move to do so herself. After the door to his office closed on Hodgins' way out, she gave Booth a moment to calm himself.
Booth looked up guiltily. "I know you all love me, and I know you all care."
"Do you Booth? It's not easy to sit by and watch you and Bren suffer like this. Hodgins is right in his own weird way. You and Bren belong together, and you need each other, but I feel like you have given up. You are not even trying to fight anymore, Booth. We see it in everything you do. It's not you, Booth; you are the one who always has the strength to fight." Angela wanted to cry, because she could see Booth was not going to listen to her.
"Maybe I'm just too spent to fight anymore Ange. You know every warrior gives up the battle sometime. I guess when you have been mortally wounded, you just figure maybe it's time…" Booth's voice was dripping in disgust. How could they think he felt like fighting anything. He was practically dead inside, didn't they already know that? Didn't they know Brennan took everything he had left? "It's too late. I want to get Bones whatever help she needs to survive this. I haven't given up on that, but as for us, I think we have had whatever happiness we are ever going to have."
Angela shook her head. "You have a wife who needs you now desperately and two sons, who worship the ground you walk on, if that's not worth a fight…"
"Please Ange, just leave it alone. If Bones needed me before, she doesn't need me anymore. She made that all too clear. I'm not going where I'm not wanted or needed. This isn't the time to fight, it's the time to surrender. Maybe it's just too much, over too short of a time. I mean, what married couple gets this many hits and survives it?"
"Booth…" Angela's heart broke for him.
"Ange, please just let it be, and tell the others… I appreciate it. I understand how you want to help, but I don't want you to keep looking at me, expecting what I can't give you anymore. I'm not the same man, and I will never be." He begged her with his eyes to let it go. "I can't pretend I didn't suffer my daughter's loss, and I can't pretend it isn't going to change me forever." He entreated her to hear him, and she did, bowing her head in agreement while sadly fighting off tears.
X-X-X-X-X-X
Booth had Cooper for the weekend, and Parker had just left to go back to Rebecca's house after spending a fun morning with his father and younger brother. It was hard to schedule a time when he had both of his sons, but when he did managed, they had a good time.
Booth took special care to find things to do with Cooper. They had just come off another nausea- inducing ride at the amusement park.
"Oh Daddy, I feel like I left my tummy up there." Cooper pointed to the top of the ride.
"Me too, Buddy. I guess we should have skipped lunch with Park." He smiled at the little innocent face.
"Can we go home?" Cooper asked.
Booth looked at him, instantly worried. "You want to go home to Mom early?" He hoped he hadn't done anything to disappoint his son.
"No!" Cooper's eyes got big and wary. "No, I want to go back to your house, because I just want to be with you. I just need you Daddy. Can we cuddle together, and maybe you can read me a book like you used to at home?"
Booth's eyes got teary as he heard what little it took to make his child happy. He had been foolish to think that Cooper needed amusement rides and presents, when all Cooper wanted was to be with him. Booth needed his son just as much.
"I would love to read to you and spend quiet time with you, Coop."
"And maybe we could get ice cream cones on the way home? We haven't had any ice cream since Liz…" Cooper stopped, he didn't want his Dad to feel bad, and he knew the minute he said her name, everyone cried. "Can we Daddy, please?"
"Yeah, of course we can. You haven't had any ice cream in months?" Booth couldn't believe even the simplest pleasure of eating ice cream had been taken from his son. What in the world was Brennan doing to him?
As they got back to Booth's apartment, Cooper was smacking his lips with delight over the simple treat.
After Booth read him a couple of stories, they sat quietly cuddling on the couch. Slowly Cooper began to open up. They really didn't discussed Brennan, or the reasons for the separation.
"I love spending time with you, Daddy." Cooper gave his Dad a huge hug full of love.
"Coop, are you doing okay? You and Mom are okay?" Booth started out carefully.
"Yeah, I guess." Cooper's eyes reflected his own doubt.
"How's the not going to school?"
Cooper's innocent eyes registered uncertainty. "Mommy says it's silly for me to go when she is home, and she can teach me anything I need to know."
"Are you okay with that? You seemed to love your school when we went to see it. All of your friends go there."
His little face crumbled into sadness. "It's okay Daddy. Mommy needs me now. I can go back next year."
"Okay, Coop." Booth's heart broke for his son.
"Daddy?" His little voice was hesitant and fearful.
"What is it Coop?"
"Do you still love Mommy?"
"I will always, always love Mommy. Don't ever doubt that. She's having a really hard time now, you know? Sometimes you have to go through things on your own when you are older; you will understand more when you grow up. Right now, I know things aren't the same, and it's not a lot of fun for you. Coop, I would love to be with you every day if I could, but Mommy is doing what Mommy thinks is best. We have to let her be right now. She's very sad about Liz. All you can do right now is give her those big hugs like you just gave me, and you will see - Mommy will get better. We will make sure Mommy gets better, okay?"
Cooper seemed to accept the answer. He burrowed his face into his Dad's side for a minute to hide the tears of relief, then he took another deep breath.
"Can I come live with you, Daddy? I don't want to leave Mommy, because she would be sad, but I want to be with you too. Why can't we all be together again?"
"I don't have an answer for that right now, Coop. I only know that both your mommy and I love you so much, and she needs you. Like you said, she would be so much sadder without you, Buddy. You don't want her to be any sadder, do you?"
"No. She's very sad," he said tearfully.
"You make her smile, don't you?"
"Yeah, she smiles and cries… sometimes at the same time."
"But you are the one who brings her the smiles Coop, and we can't let Mommy stop smiling. So you need to be there for her right now. Okay?"
Cooper nodded solemnly.
"Buddy, I want us to be together, I really do. Can you give me some time?" Booth looked at him with pride. What other little boy would have held this all inside? Cooper never complained and never said a word against his mom. He protected her and watched out for her. Booth wanted his son to have everything he wanted, but for the first time, he couldn't promise him what he wanted the most. He had to give Cooper something to hope for, though; he couldn't send him back to Brennan without reassuring him. "I promise things will be better, just give me time."
Cooper nodded, accepting that his Dad would keep his word. His arms curled around his father's neck lovingly, and he rested his little cheek trustingly against Booth's shoulder.
X-X-X-X-X-X
Later that night, he was talking to Emma on the phone. He had been worried about her since the three year mark of Ben and Jeff's deaths. He didn't know if something major like that would set her back. He knew he had so many setbacks when Pops and his mother had passed away. He hoped to God Emma wouldn't, because he knew how hard it was to get past this incredible, choking grief.
"Hey, it's me. How are you?" Booth asked.
"Hi Seeley, I'm good. How was your day with Cooper and Parker?"
"Parker is good, but Cooper… he's not himself Emma, and I have no idea what Bones is doing to him, but he says he wants me home. It kills me that I can't be there for him."
"I can understand. Oh Seeley, isn't there any sign from Temperance that she's making some progress?"
"No progress. I don't even talk to her. I think since the separation we have spoken twice on the phone. I wanted to tell her about you, and what you have… are you sure you are okay?" He remembered why he called in the first place.
"I'm okay. It was a hard day, but having you to talk to makes it better. A lot better." Emma confided honestly.
"I'm glad if that's true." Booth wanted it to be true. If he could at least be there for her when she needed someone, he wouldn't feel as bad taking up so much of her precious time.
"It's absolutely true. You were a Godsend."
"Funny, I think of you as an angel…" Booth smiled gratefully into the phone.
"I have been thinking, Seeley. What if I were to call Temperance and just leave her a message? I could just let her know I'm willing to talk… maybe just knowing that I would understand her grief would help.
"I have no idea how she would react, Emma. I never told her about you, because I don't think she would react positively, but if you are willing, go ahead."
"I'm totally willing. I want you to have a chance to get your life back, Seeley." Emma absolutely wanted him to be happy. Maybe if she successfully approached Brennan, and Brennan had someone who knew her feelings from mother to mother, she could start to recover a little. If therapy or parent's groups were repugnant to her, maybe one on one with Emma wouldn't be that bad.
"I don't know how I will ever repay your kindnesses." Booth said humbly.
"You don't have to. I will be happy just knowing that you are happy too."
Booth's eyes got teary because it was something Brennan would say; in fact she had said it to him many times. Now he doubted she gave a damn if he was ever happy again
"Thank you, Emma."
"I will let you know if I get to talk to her or if she calls me back."
"Thanks, I will talk to you soon."
"You're welcome, Seeley. Take care."
A/N: That's only 10 more chapters left. So we are almost done. Please tell me what you guys thought of this chapter. Reviews are always welcome. Thanks for reading.