A/N:

Song "Walk On" by U2

And love, it's not the easy thing
The only baggage, that you can bring
Not the easy thing, the only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
Before the second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Oh, oh, walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No, they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

Home, hard to know what it is
If you never had one
Home, I can't say where it is
But I know I'm going
Home, that's where the heart is

Chapter 19

Dinner was served, and Booth felt a little guilty. For the first time while spending an evening with Emma, he caught himself thinking about her in a new way. In spite of his words to Cam and Angela, something had definitely changed. She looked even more beautiful than the night of the concert. Tonight her dress was a deep red and her long hair fell in soft waves over her shoulders. He was not supposed to notice these things; he was not supposed to feel what he felt, but he was powerless to fight it.

She amazed him. Her spirit was enchanting and lovely, and she did something to him and for him that he couldn't reject it. Something in him needed her more than he cared to admit. Maybe it was all connected to Brennan's rejection. He couldn't be sure about anything; he only knew that spending time with her was very healing. God knew that he needed to heal. He couldn't be what his family needed without being healed.

He had taken precaution this time, and they had driven a little outside of DC to have dinner. It was a new place; he couldn't even think of going to one of the places that he had taken Brennan to. Why did he suddenly feel awkward? Was it because the loneliness was settling in so keenly that he questioned what this was, or was it because he was giving up on Brennan? He needed to be sure of what he was doing before he screwed Emma's life too. He loved Brennan, he wasn't lying to Cam and Angela, but the hope factor was falling fast. And without it, he couldn't trust his promise, or his instincts to be careful.

"Are you okay, Seeley?" She asked, watching him.

"Yeah. I just feel… maybe… Cooper was asking me if I still loved his Mommy the other day and I…"

"You do, of course you do," Emma answered softly. She forced herself to say the right words to him.

"Yeah, I know I do." Booth nodded, seeing a flicker of something guarded on Emma's face.

"Well, I'm sure your assurance made him feel better."

"I'm not so sure… I mean, I do love her so much, and I will always love her, but lately it's been so hard…" Booth's doubts were clearly expressed in the confusion of his eyes.

"Seeley."

"He's so withdrawn. He's not the kind of kid to be solemn and quiet, but he's sure as hell acting more like me every day... or at least every time I see him." Booth finished the thought, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Oh Seeley, that's not a bad thing, your sons being like you, not a bad thing at all. You always seem to think you are a bad person - don't you know how good you are?"

Booth smiled fondly, forgetting the self-recriminations for a moment. She was so good to him. "I guess that I haven't heard that in a long time."

"Well then, I will have to tell you more often." Emma felt sad tonight, and she wondered if he would ever open up completely to her. They talked about Liz a lot, but he stopped short of letting go completely. He was guarded and afraid to express too much.

"I don't know what I would have done without you these past few months…" Booth didn't really believe he would have made it this far without Emma. She had been a blessing he never expected. If not for her, he would have found it hard not to withdraw from life completely. With her he found a reason to hope, a reason to believe in life again. When he saw Brennan, all he saw was death... not that he saw her much. He couldn't live in death, and he couldn't let his son live that way either.

"You would have been okay, Seeley. With or without me. You are a strong man." Emma's heart stirred again; she couldn't handle this. She wanted to tell him how being with him made her feel, and she wanted to take the pain out of his eyes. But she couldn't; she shouldn't ever tell him.

"No. I'm telling you, I wouldn't have been… I don't even want to think about what it would be like without…" He stopped himself. He was crossing a line that should never be crossed.

Emma sat back. It was too difficult, hearing him speak like that. Booth paid the check, and they headed to his car. He opened her door and then went around to get in on the driver's side.

"Do you want to take a drive, or do you need to get back?"

"Let's drive… Nick is at his grandmother's for the night." Emma wouldn't let her lips offer the words her heart wanted to offer so desperately, 'come home with me and stay the night, I will show you how incredibly happy you make me feel.' She wouldn't say them out loud, but she couldn't keep from wanting exactly that.

Booth felt strange again, as though he was cheating somehow, as if being with Emma was something disloyal and unfaithful. It hadn't started out this way. He felt good with Emma - he felt less empty when he talked to her, and he felt as though it was okay to have feelings again. It was okay to talk about Liz, and it was okay to smile and laugh. He was always afraid to smile and laugh around Brennan. And he knew on some level, Emma needed him... it felt so good to be needed again. She was still working through her grief and her loss. If he could help her the same way she had him, then he had to try.

"Seeley, can we stop? Maybe up ahead on the hill?"

"What? Sure." He did as she asked. They pulled up to the spot she requested, and there the city lights of DC danced romantically in the distance. But this wasn't why she asked him to stop. She wasn't here to get romanced, as much as she would love nothing better.

"What's wrong, Emma?"

"Nothing..." Her words faded as she gazed into his eyes. The light from the full moon filtered into the car. His eyes were so telling.

She wanted to forget the heaviness she was about to embark on; she wanted to share a laugh or just a sweetly quiet moment with him gazing at the stars. But she couldn't, she had to broach the subject of no return. It was what he needed, and she had to put that above her own selfish attraction and desire.

"You don't look like you have nothing on your mind. Why did you want us to stop?"

"You never told me what happened that day... with Liz. You talk all around it, but you never really talk about it."

"I don't… please, don't make me do this… I know what you are trying to do, and you can't. No one can. Just please, let's enjoy the night. Please?" Booth looked out the window at the city lights sparkling below. He knew that he needed to confide in someone, but what she was asking... he couldn't. He shook his head as the emotions twisted inside his gut.

"Seeley, enjoying the night is good for a time, but when the night is over, and a new day arrives, you will be exactly where you are now."

"I'm fine right now… I can't go there." He said it adamantly.

"Yes, you can, and you need to. You need to tell me."

His eyes pleaded for her to leave it alone. "Please Emma, don't."

"Just talk to me, Seeley," she urged softly. "Just start, tell me about that morning, the morning of the day that she died… tell me what the day was like before… was it normal? Had she been ill at all?"

"No. I was in an important meeting. She was fine when I left. Nothing was wrong."

"So, what happened?" Emma heard the suffering in his voice. She wanted so badly to hold him; but she couldn't. He had to go through this.

"I left - she was smiling and laughing and blowing me kisses goodbye." Booth's throat gurgled with the tears that came as he thought of Liz's beautiful grin and her innocent eyes. "I had no idea… I never would have gone to work at all if I had known."

"Of course you wouldn't have," Emma consoled him.

"It was my fault; I was supposed to be the one out of town, not Bones. I should have been the one who had to wait hours to get on a plane. Hell! If I was the one gone, maybe nothing would have happened, because Bones would have known what to do. She would have had instincts and been close enough to do something." Booth was crying openly now, his eyes filled with self-loathing and shame.

"But Seeley, you said once that they couldn't have detected Liz's heart problem ahead of time; how is it possible that Temperance could have?"

"She was her mother. Bones always knows things about the kids. She knew when I had no clue that Cooper was going to get sick on the vacation we took when he was two, and she knew that Liz was going to love dancing. She used to call Liz her little ballerina when she was pregnant because she knew."

"But she wouldn't have been able to stop it, any more than you could. The doctors said that - you both have to understand that it wasn't your fault. Yours or hers." Emma wanted him to acknowledge this, because neither Brennan nor Booth could ever heal if they kept blaming each other or themselves.

"I feel so guilty. Bones was out of town when it happened because of me. I was going to accompany the bones back to the lab, but she went in my place. She missed getting back home on time." His words were stilted and punctuated by long gasps in between as he relived the horrible tragedy. "Her heart gave out. Can you believe that? Someone so sweet and so full of love could have a bad heart?" His body sagged as he confessed how horribly wrong it was.

"No, of course not, Seeley. It's very unfair." Emma felt his pain vividly.

"She was a total joy. You had never seen a more beautiful little girl." The wretched loss was etched on his face.

"I saw her once… when she came to school with Cooper; she was adorable. She was clutching a little stuffed bunny, and she had a pretty frilly dress on."

"Yeah." Booth sputtered, broken-heartedly. "Mr. Buggy. She named the stuffed bunny Mr. Buggy. She got it from her Aunt Angela, and she never left the house without it. She loved to dress up; Bones had fun shopping for her." Booth was nearly whispering as the strain of these memories took away his voice.

"Of course she did. Temperance loved her too… and I know that she wouldn't want you to blame yourself this way." Emma hoped that was true.

"Why then? Why is she turning her back on me?" Booth asked plaintively.

"I don't know… have you asked her?" Emma hated being in the middle of this, she never set out to be emotionally involved, but she was... more than she ever thought possible.

"Yeah… over and over again. I begged her not to make me move out, not to leave the Jeffersonian, that's where we… it started there, she and I… I thought that maybe it would be for a few weeks, that she would come to her senses, I hoped. But it has been over seven months now, and nothing has changed. If anything, we are closer to divorcing than before. I'm not even sure if she cares at all. How do two people who were once completely in love change this much?" His hand loosened his tie, he felt a chocking sensation and he couldn't breathe easily.

"I don't know… Seeley, I don't have the answers…" Emma rubbed his shoulder lightly. She knew how it felt to be in this much agony. "Tell me some more about what happened… I know that you are holding on to something, and I know that if you don't tell someone, it will eat you alive."

"Alive. I'm not alive Emma, don't you know that?" His eyes revealed so much, they entreated her to see how much heartache dwelled in him. "You of all people know that." He shook his head despondently. "I lost my daughter, and now I have lost Bones too. I don't know how to be here and feel alive anymore. I'm going through the motions, that's not living. I'm not even sure why I'm still here. I wish God had taken me and not Liz. Me." He held his fist up as if the anger would never be vanquished, and he punched his chest. "It would have been better if I had been the one to go."

"Seeley, Temperance would be in a horrible state, no matter what. She loves you. You are her husband; she's just lost right now. She doesn't know what she is anymore, but she would be lost if you had died. Please, don't say that." Emma spoke softly but forcefully.

"But Liz would be here. She was the liveliest little girl… and now she's dead, she's gone, and she's never coming back. She will never be here with me, holding my hand or looking at me the way that she did. I didn't protect her. I wasn't… I wasn't…" He didn't want to be here anymore without his Liz.

Emma felt as though her heart was being torn out of her chest again, ripping through the scars that had just barely begun to heal. She couldn't bear to see him so distraught. She wanted to help him heal more than anything on this earth. She wanted to see him smile and laugh.

"If you would just talk to Temperance..." Emma wanted to hold him, but it was not her place, he needed his wife; he had to have her to get through this.

"I have been seen too much of her pain, and now she can't get past it - and who can blame her? I thought I had found heaven with her, but it has been hell for her."

"You didn't make that hell, Liz's heart defect did. God, Seeley, it wasn't you, it could never be you. You are too hard on yourself, and Temperance is too hard on you too. You don't deserve this." Emma couldn't stop the welling of emotions; she couldn't hold back her true feelings for him. He needed her - he needed love, and he needed healing. She didn't understand how Brennan could do this to him. He was obviously broken-hearted about his loss and his marriage. "She doesn't know what she has in you. She's not thinking like a wife - she would never let you go through this if she was, I would never let you go…" Emma stopped; her eyes registered the shock of her having spoken that way.

Booth's mouth opened to speak, but the look in her eyes stopped him cold. Tears were still coursing down his cheeks, and his breathing was erratic. He had this wad of crushing pain inside, and he felt as though he was sinking into a black hole, but when he looked into her eyes, eyes that held clarity, he saw a ray of light, a promise of hope. "Emma?"

She didn't flinch from his questioning gaze; something inside her couldn't let him suffer anymore, and wouldn't let him think he wasn't worthy of love. "I could never see you suffer this way… and let it go on." She couldn't stop her feelings for him, she had only known him a few short months, but it didn't take more to know what she knew. His eyes met hers, tears falling on her hands now firmly holding his.

"Seeley, I care about you. I know that you have more hidden inside than you are willing to tell me or anyone, and it's going to kill you if you don't get it out… and I can't be… I can't watch you do this to yourself; I know that we haven't known each other long…"

"I feel like we have." Booth's voice was raspy and soft.

"Me too… it's so funny how the first time I saw you… you have to know…" Emma stopped.

"It wasn't like we were strangers…" Booth filled in the blanks.

"No, I have never felt like I didn't know you... it's like you are someone that I was destined to meet…"

"I know." Booth nodded.

"That's why you can tell me anything, I will never think less of you, Seeley; I will never judge you, or make you feel…"

He knew it was true. "She was the light of my life, you know. I lost my mother when I was seventeen, and I love Parker and Cooper with all my heart, but Liz… Liz was like getting a piece of my mother back. I know that sounds weird, but the bond we had, the father/daughter love…" Booth missed her so much he couldn't put into words. "I think that she took care of me better than I ever took care of her. She looked out for me, and it reminded me of my mom - the way she totally loved me. I can't even explain what it felt like to be loved that way again. I mean, it was almost like she came to watch over me, and I couldn't look at her little face enough. She totally captivated me. I could watch her for days and never get bored. When I was sad, she always sensed it; I never said anything, but she knew. She would pat me on the back as if to tell me it would be okay. How did a tiny girl know that about me?" Booth sobbed hard. "I miss her so much, I can't breathe properly anymore. I can't function. I let her down. I should have watched over her the way she watched over me."

Booth kept sobbing.

"I would have done anything to keep her here. Anything." He cried harder and hopelessly.

Emma moved across the seat, and he fell into the waiting arms. He sobbed his heart out; he didn't know that he had any tears left. She held him tenderly, stroking his hair and crooning softly into his ear. It was healing him; he had missed someone else's touch too much for too long. They have been separated for over seven months, almost eight, and Brennan was making no moves to renew their relationship. He was lonely beyond loneliness and he was torn apart beyond words. As he pulled back, looking deeply into Emma's eyes, he saw something there, and he felt something in him.

Gently her fingers traced the corners of his eyes, wiping away the remaining of the tears. Then slowly she moved one lone finger down his cheek and around his lips. Sweetly and tenderly, she whispered the redeeming words that he needed desperately to hear.

"You didn't do anything wrong. You are a loving and devoted father. Stop blaming yourself. Do you really believe Liz would want you to do this to yourself? She would be so sad to see you like this. Oh Seeley, someone as full of life as she was, she would never want to watch you suffer. She's gone, Seeley; but you are still alive and breathing, and you deserved to be loved," Emma murmured softly.

She was never going to do this; she was never going to make it hard or awkward for him. She would never come between him and his wife, but the longing in his eyes for comfort, the naked grief and pain emitting from his soul was too much. It was all too much. She caressed his agonized face with her hands, and her lips moved to his as she whispered to him tenderly. "You are here, and I want you to be here so much."

She kissed him yearningly. Her lips electrified his body with the love she had for him. He felt the current passing between them; he felt the awakening that she gave him, the beckoning of her soul to his to live again. To be loved again. "I know she's gone. Your little girl is in heaven, but you are alive, Seeley. You are still here, and I'm so grateful that you are." Her kisses were soft and sweet and tearful, and he found his lips responding hungrily. They fused together, two broken-hearted people coming to the realization that life did go on, that when you are lost, there was a way home, there was someone who cared, there was love and love was the substance of life.

"I'm here…" Booth murmured against the sweetness of her lips. His mouth opened to hers once more. He couldn't stop the urges that he felt - he needed to feel something again, it had been so long. They deepened the kiss, desperately needing each other in ways that they never dreamed were possible.

For the first time in ages, Booth felt needed and wanted, and he felt the stirrings of emotions that weren't despondent or despairing. His hands cupped her neck, and his eyes caressed her face. She made him feel like someday he would be whole again. And with that thought came irrepressible guilt. He pulled away, his eyes questioning.

"You are alive Seeley, it's okay to be here. You are supposed to be here, and you are supposed to feel good about it again." She didn't care if she was out of line, she didn't care if it was hopeless, or crazy. She always played it safe and did the right thing. But she had lost way too much to take a chance on losing him too. She wouldn't let him go through it alone; if Brennan didn't give a damn, then she would. "You are here, and I need you."

"I'm here." Booth echoed, almost believing it. Hearing someone actually acknowledge that he was not dead to them made him feel like maybe it was true. "I'm alive," he repeated, as if it was a chance to be reborn.

"You are, Seeley. You are." Emma smiled lovingly. Kissing him was more than she had dreamed of - holding him so closely, knowing she was bringing him some solace, made her incredibly happy. And she knew how incredibly selfish it was too. But she had to give him this one moment to feel again, before she could let him go. She had to let him go... how in the hell was she ever going to do that?

Booth cried softly as Emma kissed him more to validate his words. He held her too him like a lifeline, but there was a little thread of trepidation as he realized he couldn't do this... he couldn't let this happen. If he did, he would be lost.

He pulled away suddenly, his mouth cemented in a shocked oh.

Emma knew before he even uttered the words.

"Emma… I…"

"I know. Oh God, Seeley, I never thought I could do this. I'm so sorry. I just wanted you to be whole again. Maybe it's because I need to be too." Emma confessed, her tears escaping. This was a horrible mess. How could she let it happen? She gazed at the sparkling platinum band on the third finger of his left hand, and she felt as though she didn't know herself anymore. She knew she shouldn't be feeling what she felt, and she knew she had no right, but she felt it anyway. "Seeley, it's…"

"I would… you have to know that, if there wasn't… Bones, I love her so much. I care for you, but…"

"I know. Seeley, please don't say anything anymore. I know." Emma scooted back towards the passenger side.

"I have taken advantage of you. It wasn't fair." Booth felt the onslaught of new guilt. How could he have let this happen?

"No. I wanted to be with you, I didn't expect this to happen. I didn't know. I never expected to feel this way," Emma promised him.

"You?"

She looked at him honestly. He needed to know... it wouldn't be right not to be honest, and she knew it wouldn't make a bit of difference because he didn't feel the same way. "I'm falling in love with you." She looked down, mortified. He was married, and he was not free.

"I only wanted to help you get through this, I swear. I never anticipated, but whoever does?" Emma felt humiliated and powerless to deny her unrequited feelings. "I love you, Seeley, more than I thought that I would ever grow to love anyone again, and even if it's totally wrong and awful of me, I can't stop it." This was a total nightmare.

"It's not totally wrong or awful, you could never be anything but wonderful… it's me…" Booth couldn't believe he had done this. On top of everything else, he was hurting Emma now too.

She put her hand up to stop his words, but he had to say them.

"Emma, I'm sorry, I have been so wrapped up in my own…"

"No, you don't get to be sorry, you have had enough sorrow. Oh God, I'm the one who's sorry."

"No, this isn't your fault, but I'm still married."

"I know, please, Seeley; I'm sorry. I'm sure she does want you, I just spouted off without thinking. I'm feeling too much." Emma tried to explain it away.

"No, she doesn't want me, that's just it, she doesn't. Why am I still married? Good question…"

"Seeley, no, don't do this."

"Why not? She wanted this; she asked for it, I didn't."

"Seeley, she's…"

"She's my wife, she's wallowing in grief and pain, and she's not herself." Booth supplied the words Emma was going to say.

"She is your wife, and I have no right to say it, but someone has to, Seeley. How much longer? How much longer are you going to let this go on? How many more months and years are you going to let her torture you this way?" Emma couldn't help it, a part of her totally resented Brennan for what she was doing to the man, the man she had grown to love deeply.

"You said that she would get better. I thought that she would get better, that she would start to heal, and we would have a life again. Not a life like the one we had, but a life. I clung to it. I have been waiting so long for it. I tried to be there for her, but she shoved me away. If she never comes back…" If it was true that Brennan wouldn't ever be back, he didn't know what he would ever do with himself.

"What if she doesn't? Seeley, what if she never comes back to you? What if you end up without her? What will happen to you?" Emma was fighting for him - he didn't seem to have any fight left, and she knew that he had never run from a fight before. He had told her about his days as an FBI agent, and how much he fought for what he wanted. "You, Seeley, what will happen to you?" Emma was shivering now, she felt so damn cold.

"I can't… I don't know." Booth whispered. He saw the shivers as her body shook slightly, and he took off his jacket placing it gently around her shoulders. She wanted to weep for all of them - for Brennan, who was too lost to see the man she had; for Booth, because he loved someone who didn't even care that he existed; and for herself, because she had fallen so totally in love and lost all perspective and objectivity.

"Emma," He whispered closing his eyes. It would be so easy to take her love and never look back. Brennan didn't care about him anymore; she had made that abundantly clear. Emma loved him, he felt it every time he was with her, and now that she had said it, he knew. He could just cut his loss, cut out Brennan the way she cut him out. He could leave it behind - all the pain, the agony, the guilt. But this was Brennan, his Bones, and in that emaciated over-wrought body was the beautiful heart that he had fallen head-over-heels in love with the first time he saw her. He just didn't know how to find her anymore. That scared the hell out of him. It would be easier to move on, to find a life without her; because if they went on the way it was, he would go back to going through the motions, probably for the rest of his life. But he couldn't do it; he couldn't turn his back on the woman that he had loved longer than he could remember.

"Emma… I…"

"Don't say it, please don't say it."

"I'm married, I have a wife and whether she wants me or not, she needs me." Booth realized that someday she would probably need him again; and as long as that was possible, he would be there for Brennan. "She needs me."

"I need you," Emma told him. "If you think that she needs you so damn much, then why are you here with me?" Emma asked the tough questions, and it killed her to do it.

"I'm here because you and I are friends." Bu he knew that it was more than that, saying they were merely friends was a lie. He knew that he should spare her, but in a strange way, he wanted her to know that she was not being foolish at all. "No," he let out a humorless sigh, "we are more than friends; I'm the one who's the fool, not you. This could happen, you and I." Booth confessed his feelings, feelings he had no right to hold. "It could happen…" He whispered unbelievingly.

She took a deep breath afraid that she wasn't hearing him right.

Booth closed his eyes, cringing at the admission. "But it won't."

Her breath stopped midway.

"Seeley, when you say it could… are you saying…?"

"God, Emma. I'm not in the place to make any declarations, but being with you is healing for me, it's fantastic, and I could forget everything with you, but then I wouldn't be the man that you say that you are falling in love with. You and I both know that, and if we went through with this, you wouldn't be the woman I could love…" Booth looked at her longingly. He wasn't free… He hadn't given up all his hope for Brennan yet; he wouldn't believe that his marriage was over, no matter how dead it seemed.

"You are right. I know you are," Emma conceded. "What are you doing to do?"

"You know that if I knew…" Booth's eyes closed in misery.

"Fight!" Emma said it under her breath with gritted teeth. "Fight for her." Her voice was filled with tears, but when you love someone you had to do the right thing. "It's time for the old Seeley to come out and fight like hell. If you want your marriage, you need to show her. Don't sit back and let her..." Emma's tears were smearing the little that was left of her mascara. "… Lose you while she's losing herself."

He looked at her shell shocked; first, she said she loved him, and now she was telling him to go get his wife back.

"But I can't be here for you anymore, Seeley, not now." Emma cried softly. "Fight and give it everything you have. Fight. It's the only way that you will know, and it's the only way that you will ever be happy. " Emma couldn't stop the hard sob that escaped her.

"I'm not sure I even know how to fight anymore."

"Seeley, you do. You are just afraid to lose. Think of Parker and Cooper, and you will remember how to fight. Your love for them will give you strength and courage."

"Do you know what an incredible woman you are?" Booth asked squeezing her hand gently.

She bowed her head weeping softly.

"Do you know what an incredible man you are?" She looked into his eyes intently knowing someone had to tell him, so he would find the faith to believe it.

"Emma…" It was a sad, sorrowful whisper.

"Just come back, if it doesn't work out… please, say you will?" Emma was afraid to hope, but if there was a prayer, she would take the chance that he would be back. "Promise me?" She knew she was asking a lot of him, but she wanted her chance if things didn't work out.

"Emma…" Booth looked down into her eyes, and he knew he wouldn't go anywhere else. "I promise." His eyes shone with uncertainty, but Emma chose to hear the promise and ignore the doubt.

A/N: How much do you hate me right now or Emma for that matter? I hope this chapter gives you hope, even though it was not what you were expecting. Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading.