As we began our decent down the mountains I saw 5 bears, 3 goats and one crazy old man sitting on a bowling ball eating a Twinky. So far this place wasn't getting my vote for vacation spot of the week.
"Ok everyone enough walking and more flying!" Jasper yelled as he took to the sky. And in about 5 seconds he came crashing back to Earth. "Never mind." He mumbled untangling his arms from his wings. Evidentially the wind was too strong to fly here.
"So everyone dump out your pockets and lets see how much money we have." I said hoping to have a genius breakthrough. I was half way through dumping out my pockets when I noticed Edwards hand was up.
"Yes my dear- I mean Edward?" I self corrected blushing a bit.
"Yea if you hadn't noticed we used up all of what we stole from the night guard to buy * snicker * honey buns." He said earning another round of laughter from the guys. Gosh immature much?
"Oh good point." I said noticing that we had nothing, not one nickel, so you know what that means. Yes my dear readers you guessed it! We had to get J-O-B-S. Jobs. I grabbed a newspaper that was rolling by like a tumbleweed and began inspecting the workers needed section. I sighed and looked up to the sky, there were some of the worst jobs on here but we had to take them. As I was looking up I saw a blob in the distance, on the horizon.
"Hey do you guys see that blob?" Edward, Jasper and Jacob all looked up from their obscene doodling in the dirt. Edward, the one of us that was graced with raptor vision, squinted at the blob.
"It looks like-." He began, but stopping to give me a "Your not gonna believe this" look. I looked in the same direction. Did you know squinting and making faces doesn't help your vision at all? I waited until it got closer, and closer to make out what it was. Behind me I heard a squeak of fear. I turned around to see Jasper cowering behind a snow covered rock.
"She found me!" He gasped and screamed like a school girl as he made a B-line for the bottom of the mountain. We all watched in awe as Bertha, on a hang glider, completely ignored us and followed Jasper down the snowy incline.
"Wow I never knew he could run that fast." Edward mused as he tilted his head watching the, now, two blobs speeding down the mountain.
"Should we go after him?" Jacob asked completely ignoring Edward's existence.
"He should be fine. He got away once he could do it again." I said smirking at the most glorious memory I will ever produce.
"We can't do that we have to get him some pants." Edward said starting after the route Jasper took in his mad dash.
"You're right." I sighed and followed suit, with Jacob tailing behind me like a friendly dog.
A few minutes later we found Jasper hiding in a small barn with a pitch fork. And to my surprise he still had his underwear.
"Where did your shirt go?" I said already knowing the answer I was going to get.
"She took it she's gone mad he, he and she's gonna come back I know it." He said clutching his knees and rocking back and forth.
"Great now we have to get him a shirt too." I sighed and started rubbing my temples. This means one less person to get a job and put together some money.
"Ok why doesn't Edward have an obsessive ex." Jacob started pouting. Aww he looks so cute.
"He does, she lives in Miami." Jasper said going right back to his old self.
"Well someone's a little- you have an obsessive ex?"
"Can we please focus?" Edward said eyeing Jasper like he had just eaten the last Twinkie the world will ever eat.
"That sounds great, now the big thing is where are we going to stay?" Jacob said getting us all back on track. Who knew he would be the brains of this adventure?
"I have an idea… I'll be right back." I said and slipped away into the snowy wilderness. "I'll be back before dark!" I yelled over my shoulder.
-30mins later-
I peered into the glass doors of the hotel practically placed at the bottom of the mountain. Well it's now or never. I got down on all fours and crawled in through the automatic doors.
"Welcome to the hotel-… no ones there. Ok I'm losing my mind." The blonde girl at the desk said looking quite scared.
I continued my crawl to the desk, stopping James Bond style against the potted plant against the back wall. Ok Chuck Bartowski style then, since the pot tipped over and the lady at the desk turned white.
"Who's there? I'll have you know I'm armed, with a teaser… and pepper spray!" She got crazy eyes and whimpered a little. This is what passes as night security these days? I'm appalled. I scooted to the side a little more and came around the desk. Crouching low, she still didn't notice me. But as the genius that I am I tipped over the phone that was sitting on the counter and it came crashing to the floor. She whipped around and tazered me in the leg.
I felt the jolt of electricity run through my body, from that point on my leg all the way out to my wings. The sudden shock took me by surprise and my wings unfolded. The girl took one look at them and hit the floor.
"Now why didn't I do that in the first place?" I thought out loud as I rubbed my leg trying to get the feeling back. If I had done that I could have avoided getting tazered.
Not wasting time I jumped on the computer behind the desk and found out how to check in. Once that was over I grabbed one room key and extra soaps and stuff, shoving them into my pockets. Then I thought about the tazer, I grabbed it off the ground and saw it was only set to setting 1. What a wondrous thing this tazer would be if we brought it along with us.
Oh just think of all the power ha ha! Now how do you turn this thing on? Just as I found the button Jasper walked in the front door scaring the crap out of me.
"Are you almost-"
ZAP
"Done." He gasped and fell over convulsing like a 5yr old on a sugar high.
OH SHIT I TAZERED JASPER! And I can't even enjoy it! I ran over and tried to pick him up, but to no avail. And the lady behind the desk was regaining conciseness. I had a moment of panic as I dragged Jasper over to the laundry shoot. Well Jas you'll thank me later. I thought as I shoved him through the hole.
I heard the elevator ding as a bellhop came out carrying some bed sheets. I hid in a nearby supply closet as the bellhop noticed the out cold secretary.
"Rose? Hey Rose wake up." He said shaking her awake.
"I had the most horrible dream Emmett! I met a bird girl and she tazered me!" Rose gasped out as she sat up.
"You have been reading too much James Patterson. You really need to get more sleep if you're falling asleep on the job." Emmett said probably writing this off as an everyday occurrence.
Man whoever this James Patterson guy is I like the way he writes!
"So what are the bed sheets for?" Rose said trying to get back to normal conversations.
"Oh well Mr. and Mrs. Clearwater were um… "exercising" if you will and they got some uh… bodily fluids all over the bed sheets so they asked for clean ones." Emmett said blushing furiously. " How two 70 year olds can do that heaven forbid I ever find out how." He shuddered violently as he walked over and dropped the bed sheets down the laundry shoot.
NOOOOOO! Jasper is so not going to thank me for that. Uhggg gross. I got on my hands and knees and began crawling out of the closet.
"Hey Emmett did you see that door open?" Rose said pointing at the closet door.
SHIT! I froze in place and weighed my options. Get up running out screaming or freeze and hope they don't see me.
"Oh your imagining things, are you tripping or something?" Emmett said sighing and grabbing new bed sheets for the sexually active geezers.
"I will have you know ladies don't trip, we sway and stagger." Rose said like she was an expert in the subject.
"Ri-ghtt well would the "lady" care to join me for a drink after work so we can test that theory?" Emmett said making his eyebrows do that wavy thing.
"In your dreams dude you would have better luck with a stripper!" I whisper yelled.
"Did you hear that?" Emmett said.
"No, what?" Rose said thinking hard.
"Yea buddie this is your conscience telling you there's no chance in hell!" I whispered again as I crawled out the front door and into the snow.
"I'll tell you after work, k hon?" Rose said swaying her hips sexily as she returned to her work. When she got behind the desk she tripped over the rug on the floor and dived head first into the fire extinguisher.
"Maybe we could go for that drink now." Rose said rubbing her temples "Because I really need it, NOW."
Back out in the snow I gathered the guys around.
"Ok guys everything's set, lets go." I said smiling wide.
"Uh where's Jasper?" Edward said looking around hoping he would pop out somewhere. My smile dropped and I had a flash back.
"Um he's already inside… sort of." I said twiddling my thumbs and avoiding eye contact.
"Sort of? Care to elaborate on that Bella?" Jacob crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow at me.
"Uh well I kinda dropped him down a sperm shoot." I said trying not to giggle.
Edward snickered and placed his hands on his knees as if to keep himself from falling over in a fit of laughter. As Edward did that Jacob was rolling in the snow laughing so hard he was crying and his tears were freezing on his cheeks.
"So I guess that makes you a sperm donor!" Jacob gasped out, resulting in another round of laughter. Oh kill me now. Please? As Jacob and Edward got that out of their system I walked back in the hotel acting like a guest this time instead of a secret agent having an epic fail. For some reason the people weren't at the desk so getting into the laundry room was easy. But we hit a snag when there was a lady in the laundry room who found Jasper before we did.
"?Que es este burro se enfrentan chico haciendo aqui?"(What's this donkey faced guy doing here?) The cleaning lady said looking puzzled. I had to act fast.
"Ohhh looks like you found my boyfriend. Lol thanks lady, I like looked everywhere for him. Come on Jasper." I said in my blonde voice. "Edward help me!"
"Ok, ok ready one, two, three LIFT!" And somehow me and Edward got Jasper up and hauled him back to the lobby.
"Chicas en estos dias, putas con una agenda."(Girls these days, hookers with an agenda) She said shaking her head as we left.
We got Jasper back up to the room and all made our plan to get money and get out of here while watching the Disney channel. And let me tell you once you go Disney you never go back.
After about an hour Jasper woke up.
"Wow guys I feel hung over." He mumbled as he staggered to the couch.
"Wait, wait, wait you are not sitting on this couch after where you have been!" Jacob shouted scooting to the arm as far away as he could get.
"Uh where have I been?"
"No where special, but go take a shower." I said shooing him to the bathroom.
"Whats this white stuff on my shirt?" He said with genuine fear in his voice.
"I'll tell you later but first shower." I said closing my eyes and hoping I miraculously lose my voice in the time it takes him to take a shower and dry off.
"This better not be what I think it is or so help me Bella Swan." He said as I pushed him in the shower narrowly escaping.
"You know we are going to have to tell him where he's been eventually." Jacob said giving me a look that shouted Bella you're gonna have to do it.
"And we are going to have to tell him our plan is based off a Hannah Montana episode and a Phineas and Ferb commercial." Edward added.
Just another day in the life of Bella Swan the half bird girl.
A/N
Sorry for the long wait guys! School is getting close and I'm having no time to type what so ever. I hope I'll get another chapter up before I get real busy. Until then.
-Slinky762