CHAPTER 18 – Europe

They walked to class like it was any other day. English was the only class Kirsten had with Joanna, second period, right before lunch. The seat beside her had been achingly empty the past month, and now it was finally full again. Kirsten watched as Joanna spoke quietly to the teacher at the front of the class, smiling. English had been her favourite subject–

English was her favourite subject, not had been. This was Joanna she was talking about. Kirsten's best friend. Kirsten knew her inside and out. But as she watched Jo's lithe legs stride towards her, ignoring the whispers and stares of the other students, a small insistent feeling told Kirsten that she didn't. Not anymore. Kirsten banished that thought immediately.

"Everything's all set," Jo said as she took her seat. "Mr. Steiner said you have all my homework…?"

"Yeah, it's all as my house," Kirsten said. "Come and… pick it up after school?" The sentence abruptly changed into a question. She'd never had to ask before, but Kirsten suddenly found herself unsure.

"Of course," Joanna replied easily, pulling out her notebook and a pen. Kirsten nodded, taking out her own binder and mumbling, "Of course."

Mr. Steiner started lecturing and Kirsten deftly pulled out a piece of lined paper. She looked up at Jo, who was watching the board. That was when it hit her. Kirsten shot up in her seat.

"Joanna, your glasses!" she exclaimed. Her heart pounded with the irrational fear, like she'd suddenly discovered it really wasn't her best friend sitting the the seat beside her. The class fell silent, Mr. Steiner turning from the board. Jo looked at Kirsten, startled and then amused.

"I got contacts, Kir," she said. Kirsten immediately felt stupid. Of course. Of course. She just got contacts. Mr. Steiner cleared his throat as if to say, Are you done?

"Sorry," Kirsten muttered, feeling her face turn red as she lowered her eyes to her desk. The lesson started up again, titters from the other students fading slowly. Kirsten kept her eyes down for a few long minutes, getting a hold of herself. What's wrong with me? But that stupid little uneasy feeling wouldn't go away. She settled for ignoring it resolutely.

Then she wrote on the paper in front of her, steadily enough, How was Europe? and slid the page onto the corner of Jo's desk. Hardly interrupting her actual note-taking, Jo scrawled words under her own.

It was beautiful.

Beautiful. That was it?

Details! Kirsten wrote. Where in Europe did you go?

Everywhere, Jo replied. Italy, France, Spain, London, Greece…

Wow.

Joanna glanced at Kirsten's words but didn't reply, seeming absorbed in what Mr. Steiner was saying. It was a strangely comforting sight, a concrete sign of the nerdy friend she knew. Kirsten rolled her eyes at herself. She had been being ridiculous. New clothes, some weight loss, and the exploration of a continent with her mother did NOT make her best friend an entirely different person! Jo caught her staring and gave her a small smile, which Kirsten returned enthusiastically.

Now that Jo was back, everything really was fine. All would go back to normal. Kirsten breathed a sigh of relief, dispelling the tiny voice that told her she was lying to herself.

The rest of the class passed in a blur. When the bell rang Kirsten sprang up from her seat with energy that she hadn't felt in weeks. She shoved her books into her bag haphazardly while Joanna neatly packed up her own notebook. Kirsten couldn't stop smiling; she really was ecstatic to have her best friend back.

"C'mon, let's go have lunch," Kirsten said as Jo stood. Joanna smiled.

"Lead the way," she said, and Kirsten skipped happily to the classroom door.

"We'll go find Alex and then–" She started chattering, just like old times, and realized her mistake too late. She felt Jo stop, and Kirsten looked back to apologize. But not too profusely, because she was still going to make Jo talk to Alex whether she liked it or–

Joanna's face had gone ghostly pale, her eyes wide and so filled with anguish that Kirsten was struck momentarily speechless. She'd never seen anyone look in so much pain. But Joanna was looking right past her and through the classroom door. Kirsten turned and followed her gaze, realizing with a start that Alex as leaning against the lockers across the hall. He was looking down, his shaggy brown hair falling in his eyes. He hadn't seen Joanna, but she'd certainly seen him.

"Jo…" Kirsten began, turning and reaching back to grab Joanna's arm. But her fingers closed on empty air, and when she whirled around to look, Joanna was gone.

She couldn't so this. Joanna could not do this.

One look. One look was all it had taken to break her apart. In that one glance at him she'd seen everything. She'd come to know intimately in that instant just how she'd torn this boy apart. The hole in her chest, right where her heart beat jaggedly, ripped at her, twisting with pain that left her gasping.

The pain of seeing Kirsten again had been bad enough. It had ravaged her for a few self-destructing seconds when their gazes had met in the hall. It made very little difference that Kirsten was so quick to forgive, so quick to believe in Joanna's lies. It may have made her job easier, but it didn't diminish the pain.

Glamouring herself in the middle of school was extremely risky, but she just couldn't do it. She couldn't face him. So she turned and ran, leaving Kirsten gaping at empty air. Kirsten will tell Alex and then there's no escaping like a coward. You have to face this; you're here to PROTECT THEM–

She knew that. She knew. Joanna sank to her knees, her whole body trembling as every muscle clenched tightly. So why was this so difficult? WHY? She jammed her fist in her mouth to keep from screaming, biting down hard. Hot tears burned and stung the back of her eyes, but she refused to cry.

She would be strong. She would protect them.

After a long, shuddering breath, she hauled herself to her feet. Shame washed over her at her weakness. She was a Shadowhunter, one of the Nephilim. She was strong. She would not run and hide.

Taking in her surroundings, Jo saw that she had run just past the edge of school property, into the trees of the forest behind the field at the back of the school. Removing the glamour, she stood tall and straight as she began walking back towards the building, already calculating what she would say to Kirsten. Probably just a watered-down version of the truth: seeing Alex had been painful, so she ran.

Kirsten's words still echoed in her head, eating away at her insides. Well, you thought wrong! It's been horrible! You killed him, Jo! He loved you! Joanna had no idea how to make this right. But... she didn't have to make this right, did she? She just had to make it work. She was here on a mission. She had to focus, had to think.

Pushing her emotions aside, that's just what she did.