Chapter 5: Grand Treft Auto: Oddysey.

My eyes were still glued to the holographic image of the spaceship as my disbelief prevented me from moving a muscle. I was barely able to regain my speech.

— Bo... Boss... Are you crazy?! Raiding the Oddysey? You said it's the most advanced ship of the Ta'uri!

— "Exactly, Kevin. Doesn't that make it an attractive target?"

— I... I guess.

— "So, what's the problem?"

— Don't you think it's too risky? Even with your contacts and my new Surge Coat.

— "I've been planning this heist for months. And this time, everything will go according to my plans. Assuming... you still want to help me."

— But if we're not going to steal the ship, what are we going to copy?

— "The Asgard Core."

How could I not have guessed? The Asgard Core was a compendium of all the knowledge of the Asgard, a now-extinct alien civilization that was among the most advanced in the known universe. Li Shou was right: it was an attractive target... VERY attractive.

And he was right about something else: Dark Kat would beg me on her knees for loot of that caliber.

— "Imagine it, Kevin: having access to that knowledge and technology. Asgard teleportation, time dilation, armor plating, weapons, hyperdrives, matter conversion and much more. We could modify the Tel'tak for faster or even intergalactic travel; create matter from nothing to build ships and weapons. We could expand the storage capacity of your Surge Coat to unimaginable levels... not to mention an improvement in its abilities."

— You really are very ambitious, Huh, boss?

— "It's something innate in me." -Li Shou laughed- "So, what do you say?"

— Are you sure the contact is trustworthy and won't betray us?

— "Absolutely sure: money is a good incentive. Apparently, the SGC doesn't pay its employees that well."

— And we won't have to fight them?

— "If everything goes well, no. I just need you to stay focused during the mission and do what comes naturally to you: copy information. Well?"

— You talked me into upgrading my Surge Coat, boss. -I passed him my paw as a fist; at first, I thought he would ignore me, but he responded to the gesture in kind- I'm in, when is the big day?

— In three days. You just dedicate yourself to rest and not get caught by the Enforcers and the Swat Kats."

— That's how it will be.

During those three days, I had no contact with Lenny or Li Shou, and although I had been ordered to rest and relax, I dedicated myself to exercise in my apartment with the help of a bench and a few weights, as well as push-ups and sit-ups; Li Shou told me that it was unlikely that I would fight against someone or be forced to kill, but it served me to channel the anxiety that dominated me, besides keeping in shape and improving my physique, in which I was already seeing results.

So, I was also aware of the news, and both the press and the Enforcers were intrigued with my "escape", and I was still wanted. Poor idiots: they'll never find me, I thought smiling every time Feral appeared on the news trying to justify my escape or swearing that he would capture me. The appearances of some kind of alien Cikata and a certain MadKat complicated our mission, forcing Li Shou to postpone the day of departure, something that, I imagine, made him very angry: for better or worse, those stupid Swat Kats were good for something.

When the day finally arrived, almost three weeks had passed: I went to the meeting point on the outskirts of the city, already wearing my new outfit -coat, gloves and boots- and very eager -and also a little afraid- to work. I boarded the Tel'tak with Li Shou and we took off for the planet "Stern".

Unfortunately, we were not alone.

— So, we are in a spaceship. Interesting, hehehe... Can I fly it?

— No," -I mumbled back- The boss is in charge of that.

— What's his name?

— Lenny. -my partner answered- Would you shut up?

— What a coincidence: I had a friend with the same name, Lenny Ringtail: I'm sure you've seen him on TV. What's your last name?

— Will you please shut up, carnival dummy?! -I ended up yelling- Lenny! Why the fuck did you bring the Mad Kat's box here?

— It was Li Shou's idea; not mine.

— Who's Li Shou? Is he the owner of the ship? May I meet him? He sure is an interesting guy. Is he an alien?

— I'm beginning to understand why Li Shou asked me to pilot today. -Lenny complained, gnashing his teeth- Arggh...

— Can we launch him into space, Lenny? -I suggested as I fiddled with my cell phone to distract myself- I doubt anyone will find him later.

— Why, I'm a fun guy! Don't be bitter... Hey, what's your name?

— I think Li Shou has other plans for him, Kevin.

— Ah, Kevin: funny name. Hey, aren't you that Hard Drive guy? Is that a new coat? You look great. And what's that on your paws?

— Sigh...

It was ten minutes that felt like ETERNAL thanks to that tawdry bewitched toy, but we finally made it to Stern and landed near the gate. Just landing on another planet kept MadKat chattering like a curious child, getting on my nerves more than once, and asking me over and over again what Li Shou brought it for. And when we got to the gate, it only got worse.

— Oh, what's that? A giant metal donut?

— It's a gate that creates wormholes to other planets. -Lenny answered mechanically, who had the MadKat box in his paws- Kevin, do you have the address of our destination?

— Yeah.

— Start dialing, please.

— Got it.

— Dial? Like a phone?

— Yes... We're going to open a portal to another planet thousands of light years away.

— Oh... Sounds fascinating. I can't wait to see it!

— I guess so. -Lenny replied with a certain mischievousness in his voice- Don't worry, you'll have front row seats to watch the portal open.

— How much longer?

— Almost there... NOW!

— Oh, how wonder...!

Without warning, Lenny threw the MadKat box directly into the "kawoosh", which caused its immediate disintegration; at least that explained why it was facing the gate. Far from being terrified by what I had just seen, I ended up bursting out laughing. And more than relieved to stop hearing that idiot.

— "Done: I've gotten rid of the garbage." -said Li Shou, now in control of Lenny's body as he shook his paws- "We can go."

— That was your plan? -I asked between laughter- Bring him all the way out here to throw him into the gate's kawoosh and kill him?

— "Too complicated or too cruel for you, Hard Drive?"

— No way, that guy was unbearable. But tell me, something... That guy had incredible magical powers of reality manipulation; didn't you consider taking advantage of them?

— "I did, but I came to the conclusion that the price to pay would be too high."

— Putting up with that idiot.

— "And wearing those stupid tights: neither Lenny nor I look good in them. We prefer more... masculine clothes."

— Good point.

— "Anyway: let's get through the gate, Hard Drive. Our booty awaits."

The landscape that greeted us was that of a vast grassland of tall grasses, scattered groves of trees and a partly cloudy blue sky; the wind was blowing with some force, swaying the branches of the trees and causing a rippling effect on the meadow, as if it were an ocean of grass.

I admit that it looked like a very quiet and pleasant place to rest, but we were not for that: the Oddysey was on patrol near this planet and we had to take advantage of it.

Li Shou had brought a transmitter-like device the size of a microwave oven, as well as a pair of wristwatch-like communicators -one for each of us- and a pair of Zats... just in case. The plan was simple: the contact would temporarily block the Oddysey's communications, a moment I would take advantage of to turn myself into electricity and be transmitted as a radio wave through Li Shou's transmitter to infiltrate the ship.

— "If the contact did his job well, and his life depends on it, the crew and the ship's systems will not detect you. Once inside, infiltrate the system and cause some distraction so you can meet the contact at the meeting point."

— I assume that by being in the Oddysey's computers, I'll have access to the blueprints.

— "Exactly. You need to make sure your distraction is good enough to keep them busy."

— There's one thing I don't understand: once inside the system, why don't I go directly to the Asgard Core?

— "The Asgard Core generally remains disconnected from the rest of the Oddysey systems for security reasons. Besides, you need a special pass to enter it.

— "That's what the contact is for."

— "Yes. I've already told you the basics about him, and he knows the basics about you. Once you get in, you're on your own, Hard Drive. Ready?"

— No... But I'll do it anyway. -I raised my thumb in the air- Nice steal, Boss.

— "Nice steal, Hard Drive."

Finished with the greeting, I proceeded to turn into electricity and travel to Li Shou's device, which he used to transmit me as a radio wave to the Oddysey. I had traveled through power, telephone and television lines before... but as electromagnetic waves it was something different: strange, but cool at the same time. Before I knew it, I had crossed space to the Oddysey's computers, having access to all its systems except the Asgard Core: life support, power, engines, weapons, shields, surveillance systems...

Where to begin my fun?

I took some time to view the interior of the ship and its activity through the surveillance cameras: the ship was impressive, and there were humans in blue uniforms or science coats going about their chores or having small talk; typical of a ship that doubles as a space carrier. The mention of Minos from a couple of officers made me curious; I only knew he was a Goa'uld, but nothing more. Why hadn't Li Shou told me about him since the mission to Tartarus? I pushed those questions aside and got back to work: how to cause a convincing distraction? By blowing up the engines? No: that would be done by the stupid Dark Kat or the Swat Kats; besides, we needed the ship in one piece... for the moment. Li Shou said we had to be subtle.

And I came up with an idea: from the computer I could do whatever I wanted, program anything. Even though I had my Surge Coat being Hard Drive for quite some time, I remembered how to do things the old-fashioned way: during my teenage years I had taken a lot of interest in electronics, which would eventually lead me to my future criminal life: I had learned how to hack into simple computer systems like ATMs or surveillance systems; I became able to program the ATMs to give me a certain amount of money, how to turn off alarms or a timer to deactivate security cameras, among so many things. When I got the plans for the vest and once it was built, I had left those old methods to do it more directly and without so much preparation: now, with a new and improved one, I could do it again, but directly within the operating system.

First, I disabled the hyperdrive and fire detection system, then programmed a series of overloads throughout the ship to cause several chain short circuits to reach the sub-light engines, and a general blackout. The overloads would reach their critical point within a couple of minutes after the program was launched, causing the general blackout, and with their propulsion systems disabled, they wouldn't be able to escape; plus, they would be too busy putting out the fires caused by the shorts, giving me more than enough time to go after the loot. I left the overload program to activate in about five minutes, and went in search of the contact thanks to the map I copied from the ship's systems, which was already waiting for me in a cleaning closet near the Asgard Core.

The trip to the closet through the power lines was almost instantaneous, as I ended up appearing less than a meter away from my contact: a human of average height, almost my height, slim, with brown hair, dark eyes and light skin, wearing a blue one-piece uniform. Judging by his face, he was surprised to see me, and I doubt it was only because of my manner of coming from an electrical outlet.

— You... You're... Hard Drive?

— Yes, I am.

— Hard Drive isn't your real name, is it?

— No. And you must be...

— Shh... Not so loud. Yeah, I'm your boss's contact. Lieutenant Kevin Collins.

— You've got to be kidding me. -I thought instantly: the guy had the same name as me- I guess: you never imagined he'd be an anthropomorphic cat or something.

— He just told me you were coming in an unconventional way. -he confessed somewhat nervously- We've never... dealt with a sentient feline species before.

— Uh-huh, whatever. -I looked at my wristwatch; it was three minutes before my scheduled sabotage was to begin- Are we close to the target?

— Yes: four corridors ahead. But there are people moving around.

— Then let's wait.

Minutes later, alarms began to sound in the distance: the first short-circuit started in a sector of the ship, and it was almost certain that they were going to check the "fault"; when one of my faults reached our sector, we could hear several people going towards the area of the incident... opposite to where the Asgard Core was located. I went back to the ship's computer system for a few moments to connect to the cameras and make sure there was no one nearby. It was clear.

— This is our chance. -I said- Come on.

— I'm surprised you can do that.

— Yeah, yeah... We're a cool species. Lead me to the Core quickly, we don't have time.

— I got it.

The corridors were clear, without a single soul circulating: the guy and I went through the corridors without any problem. From time to time, the guy looked at me curiously, which annoyed me a little, but since my existence -and my species- were a novelty to him, I tolerated it. And when he started to engage me in conversation, I was at first obfuscated... until I realized I could get something out of him.

— That coat looks great on you. You look like a punk rock star or something.

— Thanks, I guess.

— Wait, you know what punk rock is?

— Uh-huh... our worlds are more alike than you think. Hey... Can I ask you something? What would happen if we were discovered?

— You'd be interrogated, and be taken prisoner at Area 51. Me... I'd be court-martialed for treason against the nation... and in the worst case, death penalty.

— Quaint... -I replied sarcastically-

— Although it would be better than what the boss would do if he finds out we failed.

— Why are you doing this? -I asked him- Betraying your country and your species to work for a Goa'uld after so many years of fighting them?

— I imagine for the same reason as you: money. -he answered dryly and firmly- Besides... unlike other Goa'uld, Li Shou is more... decent. Or am I wrong, Hard Drive?

— I guess you're right.

— We're almost there.

— One more question... Who is Minos?

— I guess the boss didn't go into it with you. -sighed- He's a Goa'uld, a very, VERY bad one who for the last year has been causing trouble. That's all I can tell you.

— Well, let's finish this.

Although annoyed by this poor information, I went ahead with the mission. We arrived at the door of the Asgard Core, where my namesake swiped an electronic card through a reader slot, opened the door, and we both entered. The Core was indeed impressive: unlike the ostentatiousness of Goa'uld technology, and the slightly crude human or kat technology, the design of that machine was simple, elegant with its curvilinear shapes and light colors: it had a holographic screen -at least that's what it implied- and its "keyboard", so to speak, was a smooth, silver surface with grooves and strange rune stones. Until then, it was the most alien thing I had seen since I met Li Shou.

The knowledge of an entire alien millennia-old civilization was before my eyes. And I was going to get my paws on part of it.

My human namesake approached the console, but before he did anything, he turned to look at me.

— Tell me you made sure to leave the ship blind. Once I turn this thing on, they might detect it.

— Relax; they won't be able to detect the activation of this place. Or at least I hope not. -I thought- Turn it on.

— Okay.

The human moved a stone on the console and the computer activated; I gasped a little when I saw it turned on and saw a cascade of runes on the blue background monitor. He then proceeded to show me the characteristics of the Asgard Core, its control crystals, among others.

— In theory, it's very easy to use: just load a simple program that tells the Core what you want it to do, and it will fill in the blanks. But if you can be more specific, that would be best.

— That is, I can ask it to copy the data I need, and it will download it to my coat.

— Theoretically, yes, assuming you can connect it to the console. But I was thinking...

— Uh-huh...

— Since you can turn yourself into electricity and get into the system itself... Why don't you go into the Asgard Core and get what you need?

I admit it was a good idea, and much more practical than simply plugging in my coat and copying the data to the old one. At first glance, it sounded great, but I had my doubts.

— It could be, except for the remote possibility that the system mistook me for some kind of virus and tried to purge me.

— You got into the Oddysey computers and nothing happened to you.

— This thing is very different. -I growled under my breath as I pointed to the Asgard Core- It was made by aliens more advanced than the Goa'uld or the Ta'uri.

— And who also struggled for centuries against the Replicators because they were incapable of imagining the use of conventional firearms. -he countered- Why do you think they asked for our help?

— Mmm... Good point. -I sighed. I knew that story, and he was right- All right: I'll go in. But first I'll ask the Core to make a copy of the files I need and set them aside in an easy to locate place. Help me do that.

— Understood. But you must hurry: your distraction won't last, and if anyone outside the ship detects the Asgard Core activated, we're dead.

It was a brief class on how to use that thing, and I admit it was easier than I thought it would be; however, I realized that I needed to learn how to hack with other methods in the future. After programming a copy of specific files of my interest, I became energy and entered the Asgard Core.

It would be difficult to describe the feeling of being inside such a computer: you have to be inside to experience it in person. The closest thing would be to be in a space with lots of light and endless cascades of letters or runes everywhere and in all directions and senses. Or, being in the middle of a gigantic library and not knowing where to start looking.

I soon realized that inside that place I was able to shape, at least in part, that cyberspace to make it easier for me to understand: maybe because at that moment it was almost like a program. It was confusing, but it was not the time to look for explanations but to be practical: a digital and translucent version of the Asgard console appeared in front of me; I connected to it through the Surge Coat and started to use it to get the files I had previously copied. Plasma weapons technologies, energy shields, matter conversion, time dilation, ship shielding, advanced hyperdrive... all this highly detailed information was going into my coat... And there was still space left over!

After copying that information of strategic interest, I proceeded to other targets, requested by Li Shou: information about the Treaty of Protected Planets, worlds explored in the galaxy, the Alliance of the Four Great Races, and even part of the history of the Asgard... Why he asked for this information would be a mystery to me, and even more about the design and construction of the Replicators. Why and for what purpose did he want to have these destructive robots under his power? I didn't know at the time, and wouldn't know until almost a year later; I couldn't get that information anyway, as the storage capacity of the vest had reached its limit.

I gave a brief review of the information regarding the Asgard, among them, the Protected Planets, worlds protected by them from the threat of the Goa'uld, whose data such as environment, demographics, culture, etc., were extremely detailed: Phellus apparently did not appear in that list. Nor did I find in that brief review, evidence that they knew the kats. Could it be that they had never encountered us?

After concluding my little informative tour of history, I proceeded to erase -or attempt to erase- any traces of my presence on that computer, such as search histories and data access. With any luck, my little incursion into the Asgard Core would leave no evidence. I got out of there and returned to my physical form next to my namesake: on the outside he looked like a professional used to this kind of things and a barely perceptible, cocky smile on his face; on the inside, I was elated.

— Mission accomplished.

— Good. -said the human, letting out a sigh of relief- Let's get out of here and back to the closet.

— Roger that.

We left the Asgard Core Room and crossed the corridors to the closet; in the distance we could hear the fire alarms activated by the short circuits I programmed: surely the crew was trying to control them, uselessly repair the systems, or to put out possible fires. More than enough distraction to keep them busy away from where we were. There was no conversation on the way, fortunately... but as soon as we reached our hiding place...

— I'm hungry... I imagine they have food on this ship, right?

— You've got to be kidding me.

— Don't worry. -I scoffed in his face- I'll go to one of their holds and steal something. I won't be long.

In an instant I went back through the power lines and went around the ship using the map I had gotten to take me to my destination; I wasn't able to hear what my namesake tried to tell me, but I'm sure he wanted to tell me to go to hell.

Funny guy, hehehehe...

The warehouse I arrived at was small, more like a warehouse of some restaurant or cafeteria than anything else: shelves, drawers and refrigerators with packaged, canned or frozen food from all the famous food groups they teach since elementary school, the ever-ubiquitous coffee, and a few other goodies... and to my surprise, some cans of beer. The SGC guys definitely have a good time during their missions.

I limited myself to a carton of milk and some cookies that I finished right there. On Phellus, milk came in two forms: regular milk and carbonated milk in the form of soda; Li Shou told me that the latter format also existed on Earth, but that it was generally not very popular or well known among humans... and that besides, it generally tasted horrible to them. Finished my snack, I left the garbage over there, if anyone saw it, they would assume it was some greedy crew member. I grabbed a bag of fries and immediately returned to the closet, where my contact was waiting for me with a frown on his face.

— What's that? -he said as he held out the bag of fries- What did you bring it for?

— It's called being nice. Don't you want to?

— Whatever. -he spat, taking the bag and starting to eat- I must get back before they suspect my disappearance; I recommend you to go back to the boss right away before your trick loses its effect.

— Yeah... You're right. The program I installed in the system will be deactivated in a short time... and blocking the ship's sensors can't last either. Anyway: a pleasure working with you.

— Something tells me we'll see each other some other time.

Instead of swiping at him, I merely jerked my thumb up and turned back into electricity, gave myself a little run through the ship's computers to make sure my program deactivated without a trace, and then transmitted back to the planet, where I returned to my physical form between Li Shou and his device. My Goa'uld boss looked serene and expressionless upon seeing me... even if instead of saying something, I ended up letting out a loud burp, the result of my snack.

Oops…

— "I see your incursion into the Oddysey's food reserves was successful. Am I to assume that your actual mission was as well, or did we just travel thousands of light years for you to have a snack?"

— Mission accomplished, boss. -I ended up saying, holding back a laugh; it was impossible not to laugh at that situation- I got almost everything you asked for.

— "Almost everything?"

— The additional information you asked me for, such as the Asgard history took up too much storage space. I couldn't get the data on the Replicators, but I got data on the main Asgard technologies.

— "I see." -he replied serenely as he scratched his chin and remained standing with his arms folded- "I should have guessed that the Asgard Core had a much larger storage capacity than your new Coat." -he paused, frowning- "I imagine... no one besides the contact saw you."

— No, not at all: I gave them a juicy distraction. -and I explained what I did- If all goes well, they'll think it was an electrical malfunction or part of their computer systems.

— "I guess we can consider it a successful mission." -he smirked- "Good job, Hard Drive: we'll celebrate once we get home. Now let's get out of here."

After crossing the gate, we returned to the planet Stern, boarded the Tel'tak, and returned home extremely satisfied with our work, especially me: my first mission against the Ta'uri, my first BIG THEFT, and it was a success. Shortly, I would have access to technology that Dark Kat, Commander Feral and even Puma-Dyne would sell their souls to get even a glimpse of.

If only that purple shitty mole could see me now...

And maybe, someday he will.

After our Oddysey theft, Li Shou kept my new coat to make use of our loot: the information he had obtained, he said, would be very useful to us in the future; however, some receptacle was needed to be able to store it so we could use it efficiently and free up the Surge Coat. Therefore, I was not surprised -so much- when he told me that he and Hephaestus were starting to build our own Asgard Core.

While that project was underway -more at the hands of Hephaestus- Li Shou continued with my training, as well as taking me on little incursions into old Goa'uld facilities to steal technology and sell it to the Lucian Alliance in exchange for Naquadah, which in the long run, would serve me for my own money. They were quite productive days.

During a day of combat training, we discussed the latest events in Megakat City: the kidnapping of Mayor Manx and his Deputy Mayor Callie Briggs by the Alliance of Evil -what a stupid name- and their subsequent rescue by Feral and the Swat Kats.

— "That alliance wasn't going to last." -said Li Shou as he swung his fist at me, which I managed to dodge- "The alliances of the System Lords lasted longer, and ended the same way: one stabbed the other in the back."

— Yeah... Here they didn't even last a day. -I kicked him in the legs, knocking him down. Li Shou immediately stood up- But they managed to destroy the Turbokat.

— "Pff... That pair of idiots will get a new one. It's nothing more than a minor setback." -his fist hit my stomach; despite running out of air, I managed to answer the blow to his face- "That hurt me."

— That means I'm doing well. -I replied almost as soon as I gave him another couple in the chest; he could barely defend himself- Or are you just making it easy for me?

— "Think what you want." -he said before grabbing my arm and throwing me against the wall- "You're getting better, Kevin: at least you're holding your pain better."

— Oh, shut up...boss.

— "By now your body must be used to that kind of abuse, or am I wrong?"

— Bah... I'm... fine. It was... a scratch.

— "HA. Now you're talking. That's it for today: let's get a protein shakes, change and get ready for the trip."

That day we would go on a business trip to a distant planet, where Li Shou would talk to some business associates; he didn't give me many details, other than that it would be a surprise. We drank our protein shakes, showered, changed clothes and boarded the ship, immediately entering hyperspace.

— Are you sure they don't suspect anything at your work, Lenny?

— Luckily not. -he guffawed- It's no use taking advantage of the weekends and having a reputation for being sickly: a cold here, an upset stomach there...

— Unbelievable that you can put up with being treated like dirt.

— I'm used to it, Kevin.

— By the way... What do the boss's contacts say about the "Asshole Alliance"?

— They haven't found any of them: they're presumed alive. Amazing they managed to escape that explosion.

— What a pity: it would have been a pleasure to see Dark Krud's corpse. -I said dryly- t gives me the opportunity to give him his due in the future.

— I sense that you have a tremendous hatred for him.

— Like you have no idea... I long to electrocute him until he faints.

— You'll have to put up with it for a while longer... Something tells me it will be part of our plans in the future. But I'm sure you'll get your chance to humiliate him. -Lenny looked at the control panel screen- Good: we are about to arrive at our destination. I'll set the cloak to activate as soon as we leave.

— It's about time! This trip was long enough.

As soon as we dropped out of hyperspace, the ship became invisible. We arrived at the orbit of a planet very similar to Phellus: vast oceans of water, atmosphere with clouds, numerous continents covered with forests, deserts, glaciers and... cities. Many cities perceptible on the night side.

When I took a closer look, I realized something: I knew where we were, but it was impossible. As I turned to Lenny, I realized that Li Shou regained control and was looking at me with sparkling eyes and a smirk on his face.

— Boss... Are we... are we on...?

— "Welcome to Earth, Hard Drive."