It's like forgetting the words,
To your favourite song,
You can't believe it,
You were always singing along.
It was so easy,
And the words so sweet,
You can't remember,
You try to feel the beat.
~ Regina Spektor, Eet.
I was having a good week. Sirius seemed to have forgiven me for the harsh things I said, I myself had almost forgiven him. I was happy as Lily had seen my near death as a wakeup call and come crying for forgiveness, she still hadn't dumped my git of a brother but I could handle that. I found myself spending a lot more time with James than before as well; he sat next to me in classes and basically did my homework for me, which was great because he was much better than I at transfiguration. The highlight, however, was when I saw the pale, frightened face of Severus Snape. He had been very nearly soiling himself with worry that I would tell Madame Pomfrey he had cursed me, this is had used to my advantage and let him sweat it out for an extra couple of days before warning him that if he ever tried anything like that again, against anyone, I would not hesitate to take the matter to the ministry and he would be chucked into Azkaban for using un licensed spells and attempted murder. After that threat I had not seen so much as a filthy, grease ridden hair off his head.
I walked down to dinner, by myself for once, wandering the halls, taking my time. I had not had a vision since the fight with Snape and it puzzled me. It wasn't as if I wanted them to come back I just thought it peculiar and unbelievably good luck. Of course I was still plagued with nightmares of the terrible things I had seen, yet not having to see more was a god send, it seemed too good to be true. I just needed a place to clear my head, the thought was running around my mind as I wandered aimlessly, I may have been going in circles but I didn't care. I turned into an empty classroom and sat down on one of the desks, watching my legs swing freely. My appetite wasn't as large as I had thought, my questioning mind hungry for answers, but I had no information. I could try the library but I knew what I would find; information on seers, legends and myths. I put my elbows on my knees and rested my head in my hands, massaging my temples. Why couldn't life be easy?
"Natalie?" a voice called from the doorway. "Lee-lee?"
I sighed and lifted my head a fraction to look at him. He was hesitating in the doorway a pained expression on his face. We both knew our relationship had changed since the beginning of the year, and now we were stuck in this awkward state that nothing could fix. Why had I let myself be so stupid to risk what I had with him?
"Come in, Jay." I sat up, leaning with my hands rested behind me.
"I thought you were crying." He said striding into the room, stopping himself abruptly when he got within three feet of me. I felt myself laugh humourlessly; he was even making the distance of our relationship physical.
"Nah," I murmured, "Just came to clear my head."
He nodded, "What were you thinking about?"
I sighed, I didn't have the energy to confront this issue now but it was clear that I must. "Life, friends, family, enemies, death, you." I muttered.
"So basically you were contemplating existence?" he chuckled. "Well how about I help." He pulled a desk in front of the one I was sitting on and leant against it. There was still space in between us but it was more comfortable now. "Let's start with the easy topic."
I scoffed, "Which one? Have your pick." I watched him as he thought carefully. It wasn't as if I didn't find James attractive; he was really quite, his torso was definitely pleasing; his white shirt was a little see through and I could see the large arm muscles that he developed from Quidditch. I could imagine him holding me with those arms and crushing me against his chest. The thought of kissing him again sent an excited tremble into my stomach.
"You said you were thinking about me." He murmured, breaking me out of my reverie, his eyes were cast down to the floor.
I leant forward, leaning my forearms on my thighs, "Yes." I whispered.
He looked up at me through his eyelashes self-consciously. "What about me?" he whispered back.
I squeezed my eyes shut and bit my lip, "Everything." I mumbled.
I heard him push off the desk and close the gap between us. He lifted my head up to look at him; his hazel eyes were worried, full of questions. I wanted to answer them all and to smooth the crease between his eyebrows. I lifted a hand to do so but stopped knowing that if I did so things between us would change catastrophically. His hand was still on my chin, grasping it gently. He leant forward and pressed a kiss onto my lips. I stared up at him in shock, he looked defiant and passionate. My brain was trying to process the recent information; James had kissed me, without any influence of alcohol or other substances. I tried to tell myself it was all a trick but my stomach fluttered and I wrapped an arm around his neck and pulled his face to mine once more.
His arms went around my back and pulled me against him, snaking one hand behind my head and into my hair. We kissed furiously, our mouths locked, our tongues sliding. He tasted good, I couldn't describe the taste, I couldn't remember my name, all I knew was him. My other hand went into his hair, gripping it fiercely. He pushed me back across the desk, leaning his body on top of mine. I wrapped my legs around his hips and felt him harden against me. His hand that wasn't in my hair moved down my side, under my shirt, across my stomach. I pulled my face from his, panting, and pushed him off me.
"What the fuck" I asked hoarsely, my breath not yet under control, "Was that?"
He was standing across from me, panting as well, a smug smile on his face. "What?" he chuckled, "Never had a kiss before?" he sneered, playfully.
I glared, "Oh control yourself." I snapped.
The grin was wiped from his face, replaced with a bewildered look. "What?" he croaked.
"Don't look so smug, this isn't the first time it's happened." I sneered.
"I know but last time we were drunk," He muttered. "Next time won't be so -"
"Next time?" I cut in. "There won't be a next time."
I hated the look on his face when I said this, unbelievable pain; he never had been one to hide his emotions, but there couldn't be a next time. I wanted things back to the way they were before, when it was easier. I couldn't tell him about my visions, I had family mess to sort through and the added pressure of him would make me explode. Also there was the small fact he was in love with my best friend and I his. I knew we would never last, the moment Lily considered dating him would mean the end of our relationship. I had to think of myself, self preservation was the key; letting James in would only create more problems for me, I would fall in love with him and he would leave me.
"I don't understand." He frowned, confusion in his eyes.
"I can't do this James." I cleared my throat and stood up.
"But you kissed me back." He said, his confusion turning to frustration.
I turned back to look at him, "It was just a kiss." I said coldly, turning back to walk out of the room.
"No." He whispered, grabbing my wrist and pulling me back to him.
"Let go of me." I hissed. He dropped my hand as if he had been burnt and I walked towards the door.
"Nat," he called. I turned back once more and found him far too close. "You kissed me back." He breathed. I couldn't move, his body was too close, I felt myself back away but he followed, keeping the distance. My back found a wall and he used it to his advantage; pressing against me, leaving me no way to escape, not that I had any intention of doing so. My resolve vanished and I felt myself tremble as his nose brushed mine. The kiss was tender and light; not at all satisfying.
I leant towards him but he pulled his face away slightly, not letting our lips touch. I became frustrated at his teasing and grabbed his jaw, pressing his lips to mine in another breathtaking kiss.
oOo
I couldn't stop thinking about him. My mind kept replaying the scene in my head over and over, I was consumed. I hadn't spoken to James outside of our group since the kiss, which was seventeen hours and twenty three minutes ago. I was down in the kitchens, eating my way through another serving of trifle; the bottle of port next to my bowl. I took a long drink, trying to distract myself, as I heard the door open. I sneaked a peek over my shoulder at the figure in the doorway; Sirius.
"Hey, Nat." He called, striding over and sitting on the chair across from me. My stomach erupted in butterflies, a grin working its way onto my face.
"Hey." It was our first proper conversation since the fight and I couldn't help but be overjoyed at the attention.
"You know, you're going to drink yourself to an early grave." He chuckled picking up the bottle and taking a swig.
I laughed, "Yeah, but what a way to go." I knew I had a slight drinking problem but, then again, I learned from him.
"Too right." He sniggered. He looked up at me, his grey eyes searching. I found myself staring into them, getting lost in my thoughts. I was still far too attracted to him, every time I looked at him I couldn't help but imagine him catching my lips in a passionate kiss. "What's got you confused this time?" he asked.
I broke out of my day dream and my mind went immediately to James. I felt bad; he would always come second best to Sirius, no matter what. I couldn't help it, I loved James; loved kissing James, but how could I ever fall out of love with Sirius Black. Everything about him appealed to me; his dark brown hair that fell in his eyes, his chiselled jaw, those deep fathomless grey eyes, his tall muscular body. I was almost drooling just looking at him. Nobody else compared, and it hurt that he would never see me that way. I would forever be, Natalie, his childhood friend, but James and I had something. Was I willing to give that up? I had a chance to be happy, even if it as bound to end, a chance to be with someone who actually reciprocated my feelings. No, I decided there would be no more unrequited love for me. If only turning those feelings off was so easy.
"Nat?" Sirius asked, worried this time.
"What? Oh, nothing. I think I sorted it. Thanks Sirius." I smiled and left the kitchen, the bottle and the feelings left behind me. I wish it was that easy.
oOo
"Nat." Someone hissed in my ear, "Nat!" I felt a sharp poke in my rib. I jerked awake, as professor McGonagall turned to look at me. I smiled guiltily and for a moment I swore she almost grinned back at me, before glaring. I heard James chuckle beside me and I dug an elbow into his side, taking pleasure from his pained gasp as it connected. The bell rang and I packed my things slowly.
James pinched my bum on his way out and gave a wink. I tried to stop myself from grinning but failed miserably.
"What's got you smiling like that?" Amelia said a sly look upon her face.
"Smiling like what?" I countered the grin still in place.
Amelia glared at me playfully. "You know what smile you plonker. The one that says tonight I'm gonna get a real good fu-"
"Miss summers." McGonagall cried. "I do not tolerate that kind of language in my classroom. Out. Now." She shooed us from the room muttering about children these days. I mean come on, she's not that much older than us.
As soon as we got round the corner we burst into a fit of hysterics. Five minutes later we were sitting on the floor wiping away tears of laughter and clutching our stomachs.
"What the hell are you doing?" we turned to see Remus and James approaching hesitantly looking at us like we were crazy, which was probably a fair assumption. I looked back at Amelia and burst into another fit of laughter, her following my lead.
"Right..." James muttered. After another few minutes the boys got fed up and lifted us to our feet, but we couldn't look at each other without bursting into giggles. "We need to separate them."
"Right." Remus said. "So..."
James sighed, "You take summers. I'll take the mad one."
"Cheers." Remus said relieved.
I would have taken offense to that if I hadn't been completely delirious from lack of oxygen. Remus put his arm around Amelia and led her off towards the library. Still giggling I leant against James to keep myself upright. "You know I'm not going to carry you." He warned. I nodded, still giggling yet I had more oxygen now. I stepped forward and would have fallen if James hadn't of caught me. "You're hopeless." He sighed and picked me up and swung me over his shoulder, carrying me fireman's style. This made me scream and giggle more but I couldn't help the rush of pleasure I got when he touched me.
"Where are we going?" I asked when I had calmed down a little, I was still giggling occasionally but that was only when I remembered the look on McGonagall's face.
"You'll see." James said cryptically.
He carried me up four flights of stairs until we got to the seventh floor. "You know, people are going to see this and think something suspicious is going on." I warned him.
"Nah" he replied, "Everyone knows you're bonkers." I hit him on the bum making a resounding smack. I giggled, "Ouch." James hissed. "You're gonna pay for that one."
"You love it." I murmured.
"Too right." He muttered.
oOo
He finally stopped outside a blank bit of wall, pacing in front of it. "Okay. So as fun as this is... let's just leave?" I said staring at him, who was the mad one now, eh? Suddenly, from the blank bit of wall a door emerged. Amazed I pushed it open to find James' room, his one from our childhood. Everything was there; the old trunks full of toys, the shelves with pirate ships and treasure covering them, the deep mahogany boat we used to sleep in instead of using the bed. I ran into the room, spinning around, taking all the sights in. The blue wallpaper was still chipped from where we hit it with a sword, the sword hung up on the wall next to the shelf of treasure. I felt my eyes prick with tears at the familiar sight.
"Do you like it?" James asked from behind me.
I turned to him, tears rolling down my face. I ran at him and jumped into his arms planting a firm kiss on his lips before hugging him. "It's just like I remembered." I whispered.
"Almost." He said, opening a large door in the side of the room. "I added a few things." He pulled the blankets and pillows from the bed and put them into the boat before sliding it out the door and into the lake beyond. I ran after him, laughing, my arms wide. He was standing in the boat, waiting for me; he caught me as I jumped into his arms.
"Let's go swimming." I cried.
He laughed, "We don't have bathers, Lee." He said, slowly as if he were talking to eight year old me.
"Course we do." I unbuttoned my white top and pulled it off. He was sitting on the blankets watching me, a smirk plastered onto his face. I threw the top at his head while I muttered, "Perve." I pulled off my stockings and shoes along with my skirt and raised an eyebrow at him. "You coming?" he shook his head but gave a wave of his hand as if to say 'but by all means swim all you like.' I shrugged and dived into the water, it was cool and refreshing. I instantly felt calmer; all my worries seemed to drift away.
It was all interrupted when a huge splash sounded in my ears and I felt water hit my face. I attempted to ignore him but he swam up beside me and pulled me into a hug.
"I was relaxing," I huffed, but grinning at him.
He grinned cheekily back and sunk under the water, swimming out of sight. I sighed, guessing he was going to try and scare me into thinking he had drowned and started swimming back to the boat, which was now quite far away.
I heard the lap of waves behind me and turned expecting to see James, but was pulled under instead. I resurfaced spluttering and coughing the water from my lungs to see James roaring with laughter and pointing at me. Glaring, I turned and pulled myself into the boat, I was furious, the stupid idiot could have drowned me and all he was doing was laughing. I reached for my clothes and wand, drying myself with a swish and redressing.
"Come on, Lee" he whined, "It was just a bit of fun." I turned to give him a piece of my mind when I blacked out.
oOo
I was in the middle of London, the streets were lined with muggles, and each one looked more terrified than the next. The whole street was silent except for the footsteps of the death eaters and the occasional whimper of a Muggle. It was just getting dark and the air contained a chill, walking down the middle of the street were hooded men, cloaked in black the shadows obscuring their features. I didn't know what they had planned but I knew what I saw would not be pleasant. Then I saw him, walking slowly down the middle of the road, staring in disgust at the muggles. "You may not know me, filth," He spoke, his cold high voice travelling through the silence. "But you will fear me. After this night there will be no more questions of my power. Every man, woman, child of pure or filthy blood will know my name. Lord Voldemort has risen, and he is capable of achieving your nightmares." He waved his hand and the muggles screamed in pain as torture curses flew at them from all sides, many were already dead and most were close to it. I tried not to watch but I could pull my face away from the massacre. I felt the anger stir in my belly as a young girl fell to her death; her blood soaking the curb, reaching for my wand I attempted to send a curse at Voldemort. He flicked it away with ease and turned to face me. I froze to the spot, trying to comprehend what I had just done. Voldemort cocked his head to the side and narrowed his eyes. I felt a sharp prodding at in my mind and I fell out of the vision.
oOo
I knew what I had done was incredibly stupid and irresponsible but I couldn't take it back. I had let the most powerful man; if you could call him that, in the country know that I knew what he was doing. "Hello sister." A familiar snarl sounded to my right, and I felt James tense beside me. I had woken up in the blankets on the boat, a dripping James leaning over me dreadfully concerned about what had happened. I had spun a lie about not having enough iron in my diet and that I just needed a little sleep, to get myself back to the dormitory but I knew things would never go that smoothly for me.
"Do I really have to tell you to fuck off, Noah? Or can you do that yourself now?" I muttered, not having the energy to deal with the git at that time.
"I was just wondering if it had happened yet." He drawled, looking nonchalantly down at his nails.
"If what's happened?" I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he had caught my interest but I knew this was the only way to get whatever he wanted to say out of him.
"I was just wondering if you'd seen anything strange lately. That's all." He took my shocked expression as confirmation and smirked before stalking off around the corner. How the hell did my brother know about my visions? I was in deep shit.
A/N: so this is chapter nine, the plot thickens. I'm going to be M.I.A for a few weeks coz I have exams but I'm sure I will write more than I should as a tool of procrastination. So please leave me reviews! I love to hear your feedback.