Title: "The Neurobiologist's Evanescence" - Chapter 21
Author's Note: This chapter takes place on Day 16 - four days post-rescue.
I'm sorry for the delay on this chapter. The holiday weekend was a busy one! As you can probably guess, I am abandoning my Sunday/Thursday schedule for now. I am too far behind, so I will just be posting the chapters as I finish them. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up with posting once or twice a week! I'm gonna try! :)
Amy settled back into the well-worn leather couch in Dr. Ryan's office on Wednesday afternoon. She felt sick to her stomach. Her anxiety was through the roof; she didn't know what to expect. She was worried that Maggie would push her too far, too hard, too soon. She hated to cry in front of people; it reminded her too much of being laughed at by crowds of children as she stood in tears, having just been tormented or taunted by them. And she knew that she would surely cry. She already wanted to cry, which irritated her to no end.
She swallowed hard as Maggie settled into the chair across from her, just like she had the previous day. "How are you today?" Maggie asked.
Amy cleared her throat. "Good. Um… nervous."
Maggie gave her a reassuring smile. "Have you ever been in therapy before?"
"No, I haven't."
"Well, not to toot my own horn here, but you're in good hands. Oh! I forgot to offer you something to drink. Would you like anything?" She gestured towards the coffee bar.
"Um, a bottle of water would be nice. Please."
"Sure." Maggie stood up and walked over to the mini fridge. She pulled out two bottles of water and handed one to Amy, before sitting back in her arm chair. She twisted the cap off of her own bottle and took a small sip, then put the lid back on. "So, yesterday you gave me a pretty good idea of what you've been struggling with since you returned home. I made some notes and thought back to what you said and there's something I would like to discuss— a place for us to start, if you will. Is that okay with you?"
Amy nodded. "Yes, please."
"Great." Maggie smiled and leaned back in her chair. She placed her bottle on a small table next to her, then laced her fingers together and laid them across her stomach. "I noticed three themes to your thoughts yesterday. The first is fear— you're afraid of Kripke still being out there and what that means. The second is how you think you have changed in light of this terrible event in your life. And the third is how all of this has affected your relationship with Sheldon."
Amy pondered that. Upon reflection, she realized that most of her worries did go back to one of those main themes. "I can see that," she finally said with a slight nod.
"I thought we should start by talking about you. How you think you've changed or how this has affected your thoughts about yourself."
"Okay." Amy bit her lower lip anxiously.
"What I would like to do today is reassure you that all of this is normal and that all of your feelings are legitimate and valid. You mentioned that you feel like a 'crazy person' and that your thoughts are all over the place and seem to contradict each other. Let's start there."
"All right."
"Tell me about the thoughts you had during the sexual assault. You said that you didn't care if you lived or died, you just wanted to go out with a fight."
Amy swallowed hard. Wow! We are just diving right in there, aren't we? She thought and wrung her hands together.
"I guess… while it was happening, I was just so… determined to stop it. I fought him as much as I could. But I was… painfully aware of the fact that I probably wouldn't be able to stop him, especially since I was tied up by all four of my limbs."
Amy rubbed her fingers around her wrist without even realizing it.
"I was... powerless. It made me so angry. And I think, maybe... I just thought… it would be better to die than to have to endure it. Plus, he told me if I was 'good' that he would bring me out of the shelter more often and I realized then that... that probably meant he planned to rape me again and again and..."
Amy pressed her fingers to her lips, her eyes wide and wet. "Dying seemed like the better option," she murmured.
She opened her bottle of water and took a long drink from it. She re-capped it and held it between her hands. "I basically decided that I would… try and leave as much evidence behind as I could. I made sure to spit some blood on the sheets when he busted my lip open. I bit him, thinking maybe I would leave some of my DNA on him or his on me. Later on, after we got outside… when we were fighting in the grass, I made sure to scratch him so I would have his DNA under my fingernails. That kind of thing."
"Let me ask you something. Have you ever had suicidal thoughts?" Maggie asked.
Amy's eyes widened in surprise. "No."
"And yet, you didn't care if you died."
"Well, yes, but… I was under extreme duress…" She stopped when she saw the psychiatrist grin. Amy narrowed her eyes. "You did that on purpose."
Maggie laughed. "You came to the conclusion yourself, did you not?"
Amy huffed out an amused breath. "I… I guess so."
"Okay, so what am I trying to tell you?"
Amy paused and shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "That… my thoughts were… normal thoughts to have during a time of extreme duress... and that it doesn't mean I actually want to die."
"Bingo! I knew you'd be good at this." Maggie clapped her hand against her knee. "You were in a situation that felt like life or death to you. You were terrified. You had no way of knowing the outcome. So what did you do?"
Amy hesitated, not quite understanding. "Um… I…"
"What did you just tell me you did? A minute ago… When you thought you might die."
"Oh, that I tried to leave evidence behind."
"Exactly. That doesn't sound like a woman who wants to die, to me. That doesn't sound like a woman who thinks it would be better if she died. That sounds like a fighter. Someone who was worried she may die and decided to do everything in her power to fuck things up for her perpetrator. That… sounds like a bad ass," Maggie said with conviction.
Amy's eyes widened, surprised by the psychiatrist's language. But then she grinned, big and wide, and nodded her head. "Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I'm a bad ass."
"That's right!" Maggie grinned back at Amy. "Now, along that same vein… Walk me through what happened with you laughing at Kripke. Tell me what was going through your head then."
"He had... been unable to get an erection and I insulted him. I don't know why, but I deliberately provoked him." She meant to continue, but the doctor cut her off.
"Wait, let's talk about that for one minute. Why do you think you provoked him? Give that some thought."
Amy nibbled on her lower lip, doing as the doctor asked and thinking it through. "I was just so angry. My adrenaline was through the roof. I didn't think about the potential consequences of what I was saying."
"What happens to a person's brain when their adrenaline is through the roof?"
"Well, the stress response starts in the brain. When presented with some sort of dangerous stimulus, your senses send the information to the amygdala and when it perceives danger, it sends a distress signal to the hypothalamus. The hypothalamus, in turn, sends the signals out to the adrenal glands which then dump epinephrine and norepinephrine into the blood stream. Your blood circulates to your organs — increasing heart rate, blood pressure, respiration, etcetera." Amy recited this information from her first year of undergrad. She could teach this stuff in her sleep. It comforted her, relaxing her somewhat.
"Why?" Maggie asked.
"Why?" Amy parroted it back, not understanding the psychiatrist's question.
Maggie smiled. "Yes, why? What good does an increased heart rate, respiration rate, etcetera, do for someone who is in danger?"
"Oh." Amy paused. "The more blood that circulates, increases oxygen, making your systems work better. It primes your muscles to fight or flee. Glucose and fats from storage sites in the body are released which increases energy. More oxygen to the brain sharpens the senses and increases alertness."
"What is an adrenaline junkie?"
Amy's brows furrowed. She wasn't sure where the doctor was going with this line of questioning. "Someone who seeks out the rush of adrenaline by doing dangerous things, like skydiving."
"But why would someone want to experience that on purpose?"
"Well, I suppose because they enjoy the sensation that comes with the release of epinephrine and norepinephrine. Bursts of norepinephrine can lead to euphoric feelings. But I wasn't feeling euphoria when Kripke was on top of me. I didn't provoke him because I'm an adrenaline junkie." She knew she sounded annoyed. She couldn't help it. What did this have to do with anything?
Maggie smiled. "I know. The point I am trying to make is that adrenaline may sharpen the brain, but that doesn't mean the human experiencing that adrenaline rush is always going to make the best choices. I don't believe you were searching for a rush by provoking Kripke, but I do think your system was overloaded. You were in fight mode, Amy."
"Oh." Amy paused, considering that. She frowned. "Why didn't you just say that then?"
Maggie chuckled. "I guess I just don't work that way. I'm not here to feed you platitudes, give you excuses, or even to make you feel better. I am here to help you help yourself feel better. Because once you walk out that door, you have to understand your feelings and emotions and the motivations behind them. I can't be there every second of the day, cheering you on. You're a very smart woman, Dr. Fowler. The more conclusions you can come to yourself about your feelings, the better. They'll sink in better that way, don't you think?"
Amy nodded and shrugged at the same time.
"Think back to when you were a child and your mother told you not to do something, over and over and over again, but you didn't listen. You did what she said not to do and there were consequences. You learned way more from experiencing the consequences than you did from your mother giving you a warning you didn't understand, didn't you?"
Amy swallowed and nodded.
"I am here to give you tools to help yourself. By walking through things like this, you are able to work it out and see the path yourself. And then, eventually, you'll get better at recognizing when you're doing yourself a disservice, like believing that something is wrong with you. You went through hell and you survived, Amy. That's incredible and it's something to be proud of. But if I just tell you that, you won't believe me nearly as much as you will when you figure it out for yourself."
"Okay," Amy said, suddenly feeling very overwhelmed with all the work that lay ahead of her. She twisted her hands together in her lap, already wishing they could be done, so she could go home and think.
"After you provoked Kripke, what happened?"
"Something in his eyes…" Amy shivered. "I thought it was all over. I was so sure he was going to kill me right then, but he got up off of me and started pacing around the room, almost like…" She frowned, trying to figure out the right word. "Almost like he was… having a psychotic break. He was pacing and muttering to himself, yanking on his hair with one hand and his penis with the other. It was almost like he forgot I was there. Then he grabbed his cell phone and went into the bathroom."
Amy took another long swig of her water. "After a couple of minutes, I heard moaning. It took me a second to realize he was watching porn. That's when I started laughing."
"Tell me how you felt and what you were thinking at that point."
"I just found the whole situation to be so funny. It's not, at all, but at the time I was still running on adrenaline... or maybe even on the downward slide of it."
Amy fiddled with her fingers, her voice lowering to a near whisper. "Something that's probably relevant here is... before I met Sheldon, I had never had a friend, much less a boyfriend."
Amy was looking at her hands and missed Maggie's eyes widening in surprise.
"I was thirty when we met. I had basically gone my entire life thinking I was... undesirable, not just sexually, but in... every way. I just assumed there was something wrong with me, something I couldn't see but everyone else could." Her voice was thick with tears and she smiled slightly when she said, "Then Sheldon came along and changed my whole world. It took me a little while to integrate properly into his group of friends, because... well, I didn't know how to act. But eventually I did and suddenly, I had this whole group of friends who actually liked me for me and enjoyed spending time with me. The last five years have been the happiest years of my life."
"But the thing is, having gone thirty years thinking there was something wrong with me, well… That sticks with you, you know? And with Sheldon, it took him a year and a half to ask me to be his girlfriend, even though everyone knew we… already kind of were, I guess. After that, it took him another two and a half years to even kiss me. There's a lot of reasons for that and it's kind of a long story, but the point is… Sometimes… I felt like even my boyfriend didn't find me desirable."
Amy shrugged. "I knew he cared about me, but… I didn't think he was interested in me… sexually." She sighed. "To be honest, I'm still not completely sure if he wants me in that way. I mean, we have kissed a lot more since that first kiss... And we have kissed a lot since I've come home, but... I don't know. Maybe he's asexual."
"Sexuality can be a very complicated matter for some people."
"I know." Amy shifted on the couch. "The reason I bring this up... is because... I think it's why I laughed at Kripke. I... I found it hysterical, at the time, that he couldn't get an erection around me. He seemed... shocked by it. I don't think it's a recurring problem for him, based on the way he acted. So... it was me. Not even my rapist desired me enough to be able to maintain an erection."
"Stop right there." Maggie leaned forward. "Rape is not about sex, it's about—"
"Power. I know. I know that in my head. But it—"
"No." Maggie shook her head vehemently. "Kripke being unable to get an erection is a Kripke problem. Not an Amy problem," she said firmly.
"Okay." Amy was a bit taken aback by the doctor's tone.
"Let's talk about that power. We just established that you fought him and you fought him hard. You bit him. You yelled at him. I bet he wasn't feeling very powerful in that moment."
"Yes, but... he didn't have an erection at all, before he climbed on top of me, before I started fighting him. But I'm fairly certain he had one before that when he watched me shower."
Maggie's brows drew together. "So, let me get this straight. He had an erection while he watched you in the shower, yet you still believe you're undesirable?"
Amy floundered. "Well, I... Yes. I guess… yes."
"What happened between the shower and you fighting with him on top of you? Something else that might have made him feel powerless?"
"I... I don't know. I did everything he said. He was going to tase me if I didn't get on the bed by myself. So I did. Then he tied me up." Her voice shook, remembering.
"While he tied you up, were you doing anything?"
"I mean, I tried to get away, to pull my limbs back and tuck them under me so he couldn't reach them, but he managed anyway."
Maggie kept digging, trying to uncover the root of the issue. "Were you quiet or screaming or crying?"
"Oh, um. Well, I was crying and trying to get away, but I didn't scream or anything like that. We talked a little, though."
"What did you talk about?"
Amy frowned, trying to remember every detail. "I… I begged him not to do... what he was about to do. He scoffed and made a remark that Sheldon shouldn't be the only one who enjoys me that way. That's when I told him that Sheldon and I had never had sex, that we were both virgins. He didn't believe me at first, until I made him realize that he's the one who gave Sheldon that idea— that Sheldon hadn't come up with the lie about our sex life on his own."
"Interesting. How did he react to that?"
"He laughed when I told him we were virgins. Then, I think, he was annoyed when he realized that Sheldon had lied. I think..." Amy hesitated, biting on her lower lip. "I think maybe that whole situation between him and Sheldon, was the trigger for him wanting to... abduct me," she whispered.
"How does that make you feel?" Maggie murmured quietly.
A tear slipped down Amy's cheek. She didn't bother to wipe it away. "Angry. Humiliated. Confused."
Maggie nodded. "Why confused?"
Amy hesitated. She didn't want to talk bad about Sheldon. "I know that what happened to me is... because of Kripke. I know it's not Sheldon's fault. But I can't help but think if he never would have went along with that story, this may not have happened."
Maggie nodded in understanding. "Tell me your perception of Sheldon's and Kripke's relationship... prior to your abduction."
"Sheldon hated him. Mostly because they were in the same field and Barry was a nuisance. Sheldon doesn't always play well with others and they occasionally had to work together, which he despised. He believes he's a better scientist than Kripke... Because he is. There was a lot of tension there. Kripke has always been rude and sarcastic and chauvinistic. But neither of us pegged him for a psychopath."
"Hmm. Did they ever get along?"
"Not really. Not that I'm aware of."
"The thing about Sheldon playing a role in this is... there are a lot of what ifs. What if Sheldon had never lied about your sex life? What if Sheldon had never taken a job at Caltech and worked somewhere else, away from Kripke? What if you and Sheldon had never met?" Maggie theoretically asked.
Amy's stomach clenched. She didn't want to think about that. It was too painful.
"We could go on about the what ifs forever. But that's not really helpful. You can't change the past. Do you think Sheldon would have said those things if he knew that Kripke would abduct you some day?"
Amy shook her head immediately. "No, he wouldn't have."
Maggie nodded. "He's not to blame here. Kripke is. He took that information and twisted it into something else entirely. Something Sheldon couldn't have foreseen. And there's no way of knowing if Kripke would have focused on you regardless of what Sheldon said about your sex life. If they hated each other that much, Kripke quite possibly could have focused on you, anyway."
"I guess... part of why I'm struggling with all of this... Kripke's inability to get an erection and Sheldon's role in everything is because... Kripke made it seem like he was... like he wanted a relationship with me. He called me brilliant and attractive and told me he wanted me all to himself. When I was rescued, he wanted me to go with him."
"How does it make you feel that he was interested in you?"
"Disgusted." Amy sighed. "But, in a way," she whispered, "It's almost... flattering." She groaned and dropped her head into her hands, feeling nauseous again. "God, I'm so fucked up."
"You went thirty years of your life without a friend. It makes perfect sense that you would be flattered by attention, even as messed up as it was," Maggie replied.
"I know he's... crazy, mentally ill, whatever. He made that more and more clear the longer I was with him. I wish this had never happened. And I'm so, so incredibly grateful that he was unable to rape me. I wish I hadn't gone through this. If I could go back and change it, I would, in a heartbeat."
"But?"
"But... it's all twisted up inside my head. It's like... everything is woven together. My thoughts, my feelings... it's hard to separate them from each other."
"We'll work on that, okay?"
Amy nodded. "Yeah."
Maggie leaned back in her chair with her brows furrowed in contemplation. She tapped her fingers against her thigh and said, "It sounds like, to me, that Kripke was unable to get an erection, because he wasn't expecting you to put up such a fight. He was probably surprised to hear you were a virgin. If he was interested in you romantically, and went after you because he thought you were some sort of crazed sex addict, maybe it was somewhat about sex for him, and not just power. Clearly, power had a huge play here, especially considering he made you shower in front of him, and all of the things he did to you afterwards, like denying you dinner and playing sound clips of people outside the bomb shelter. But maybe there was a part of him that expected some sort of positive response from you, or some sort of twisted romance, and when he realized he wasn't going to get that, he was unable to perform. It's impossible to determine that without speaking to him myself."
"Yeah, I think that's… I feel like I had a sense of that, underneath all of the confusion, you know? I think he was interested in me romantically to a certain extent. Since I could… feel that… from him, I was… disconcerted by his inability to get an erection and I took it personally, even though I was incredibly relieved by it. Does that make sense?" Amy frowned, feeling like she was unable to accurately articulate what she was trying to say.
"Actually, it does. The layers of our conscious mind are so complex. Like you said, all of your thoughts and feelings are twisted and woven together and hard to separate. You went into this experience with a history behind you. A past that included a lot of loneliness and sadness, I presume—" Amy nodded in confirmation. "And preconceived notions of who Barry Kripke was as a person. Mix that in with what your subconscious mind was telling you - that he was romantically interested in you - and add in a healthy dose of adrenaline and fear and you've got quite the recipe for tumultuous thoughts."
Amy sighed, feeling quite relieved by the direction their conversation was taking. She hadn't realized how much it would help to have her feelings validated by someone who was literally an expert on emotions. She smiled. "Thank you."
"For?"
"I found this conversation to be very helpful."
Maggie grinned. "That's what I'm here for." She paused, mentally flipping through their conversation to figure out where they had left off. "So… earlier, you said there was more than one reason for your laughter... Would you care to expand on that?"
"I knew laughing wasn't the appropriate response, but I couldn't help it. Like I said, the adrenaline was wearing off and… well, I started laughing even more, because I thought I was losing my mind. And how funny would that be? A neurobiologist at the top of her field, losing her mind. I guess I found the irony amusing. And it all just bubbled up out of me. I tried to hold it in but it became too much."
"And Kripke heard you?"
"Yes. He stormed back into the room; he was angry. He asked me if I was laughing at him. I lied and said I wasn't, that I was laughing at myself because I was losing my mind. Once again, I thought I was done for— I thought he would kill me then, but he untied me and took me back to the bomb shelter. I think maybe he was mortified about his inability to get an erection and he just wanted to get away from me. Because he definitely punished me for it all later."
"Tell me about that— about your dissociative episode after he played the recordings outside the bomb shelter."
Amy sighed and rubbed her hands down her cheeks. "I thought... I thought I was about to get rescued." Amy winced. "It's like my body went on an incredibly rapid rollercoaster ride. I was asleep, then confused, then hopeful, then crushed. My adrenaline spiked so high, just to crash right back down. It was... awful."
Amy shuddered and wrapped her arms around herself. "It was like... I slipped into a dream. I was... catatonic, basically, but there was a part of me deep inside somewhere that knew what was happening to me. It was incredibly frightening, but also such a relief."
Amy licked her lips nervously. "I went to a place that was so... comforting. The scene changed a few times, until I settled into one. And at some point I must have just drifted into sleep. When I woke up hours later... I was... back to normal, for lack of a better word."
"How do you feel, knowing you dissociated?"
"Scared. Worried."
"Why?"
"I know that... I had a fairly mild case of it. I know it can be much worse and I know it can continue on for some people. What if... what if it happens again? And then again? I don't... want that to be how I cope with... with this..." Amy waved her hand around in the air.
"PTSD?"
"Yeah," Amy breathed out, meeting the doctor's gaze with worried eyes, her hand dropping back to her lap. "Do you think I have PTSD?"
"The clinical diagnosis? It's too soon to tell. However, I would venture to say that everyone in your position would have some level of PTSD. You were abducted, held captive, and assaulted. Of course you're going to have stress about that. I would be more worried about you if you came back completely unfazed by the whole experience."
Amy bit her lip. "Do you think I will disassociate again?"
"Only time will tell. But the best treatment for disassociation is therapy, which you are actively taking part in. I don't believe you have a dissociative disorder. You've never experienced it before, have you?"
Amy shook her head. "No."
Maggie nodded. "Okay, then my suggestion would be that we won't worry about that, unless it happens again. And at that point, we will come up with different strategies on how to pull yourself out of it and prevent it from happening again."
"Okay," Amy breathed. She would try not to worry about it. Intellectually, she knew that disassociating was a somewhat common response to a traumatic event. She would just have to try and have faith that it wouldn't happen again.
"What other concerns do you have about your behavior during those twelve days?" Maggie asked.
"Well, I mentioned before that I don't feel like I can trust myself or my judgment anymore."
Maggie nodded. "I do want to discuss that, but I want to wait on that, if that's okay?"
Amy nodded, as well. "Sure."
"I would like to do a session where we focus on your fear and how you're feeling with Kripke being on the loose. We'll talk about that then. Any other concerns?"
"Just the fact that my libido seems to have increased. I feel… gross about that." Amy made a face, disgusted with herself.
"As it relates to your relationship with Sheldon?"
"Yes."
"I want to go into that as a whole, how your relationship with Sheldon has been affected by all this. We can focus on that in an entire session, as well, if that's okay?"
Amy gulped. "Sure."
"Do you have any more immediate concerns that need to be addressed today?"
"I... I don't think so. You've given me a lot to think about."
"Summarize today for me."
Amy sighed and hesitated, gathering her thoughts. "All of the things I feel... about myself... are perfectly normal, considering the trauma I went through."
"Very good. I would tweak one thing... it's not just the things you feel about yourself, but it's all of your feelings and emotions and thoughts. They're all valid. You went through an experience that most people never go through. You survived. And now you're here, working through it all. You should be very proud of yourself."
Amy felt her cheeks warm with a blush. "I... thanks. I guess... I guess I am."
Maggie smiled. "You'll get there." She paused, straightening in her seat. "If you're okay with it, I think we'll end the session for today and pick back up on Friday."
Amy nodded in relief. She was mentally and emotionally exhausted. "That works for me."
Maggie clapped her hands gently on her thighs and then stood up. "If you need anything in the meantime, don't hesitate to reach out to me, okay?"
Amy nodded again.
"Let me give you my cell phone number. You can call or text, no matter what time of day, and I'll do my best to respond quickly."
"Oh... okay." Amy was surprised. She'd never had a doctor give her their personal phone number before.
Maggie walked to her desk, grabbed one of her business cards and scribbled her cell phone number on the back of it, before handing it to Amy, who had stood as well.
"Thanks."
Maggie opened her office door for Amy and they walked into the waiting room. Amy stopped in her tracks when Sheldon was nowhere to be found.
"Um..." Then she spotted a small piece of paper on the coffee table. She walked over to it and picked it up.
Check your texts, is all it said, in Sheldon's neat handwriting.
Amy pulled out her cell phone. "His note says he texted me," she said to the doctor.
I went to speak with the detectives. Call me if you finish before I get back and I'll come get you, his text read.
"He is talking to the detectives. He wants me to call him to come get me."
"Okay," Maggie said with a smile, but Amy didn't move, staring off into space. Maggie frowned, her brows drawing together. "What's wrong?"
"Maybe I should... try walking there myself." Amy met Maggie's gaze.
"Oh." Maggie smiled again. "Do you want me to walk with you?" She offered quietly.
"No, I... I think I need to do this myself... I... haven't been outside alone since I got back. And it's... We're at the police station. Surely it's safe?" Amy wanted to sound confident, but her trembling hands gave her away.
"What if I stand outside and watch as you walk over to the main entrance?"
Amy nodded, slightly relieved. "Yeah, okay." She smiled weakly at the psychiatrist. "Thanks."
"No problem." Maggie walked to the door and opened it up, holding it for Amy.
She hesitated on the threshold, then squared her shoulders and stepped outside. They walked together silently to the corner of the building, then Amy turned toward the doctor.
"Thank you. I'll see you Friday?"
"Yep. See you Friday," Maggie replied with a smile.
Amy turned back to the sidewalk, took a deep breath, and then started walking towards the police entrance. She tried to move at a regular pace, not wanting to scurry and look ridiculous. She blinked as she looked around, trying not to scan the surrounding area for any strange people. Her heart was pounding, but she was doing it. A glimmer of pride took up residence in her chest and she straightened further as she reached the double doors of the main entrance.
She stopped then and turned to wave at Maggie, who waved back. Then she pulled open the door and walked into safety with a sigh of relief.
"Amy?"
Amy looked up to see Sheldon striding across the lobby towards her. She smiled at him.
"Hey."
"Didn't you read my text?" He asked brusquely.
"Yes," Amy replied with a frown.
"Why didn't you call me?"
"I wanted to try walking down on my own." She squared her shoulders and lifted her chin in annoyance. "And I did it." She arched a brow at him.
"I don't want you outside by yourself," he said and took her elbow in his hand. "It's dangerous."
Amy rolled her eyes at his tone. "We're at the police station. I doubt Kripke would be stupid enough to show his face here. Besides, Maggie watched me."
Sheldon sighed. "Fine. Let me call an Uber."
Once they were safely ensconced in the Uber, Amy turned to look at Sheldon.
"Why did you go talk to the police?" She asked quietly.
"I wanted to know if there was any news about Kripke."
"And?"
Sheldon sighed heavily. "They have no idea where he is," he replied quietly.
Amy frowned, then bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling. "Oh," she whispered.
Sheldon reached across the seats and took her hand in his. "They've been digging into his past, trying to see if they can find anything about him, about where he might go."
"Have they found anything?"
"It seems that Kripke had a rough childhood. He was born to a teenage mother who never admitted who his father was, but it's suspected that he was a teacher at her high school. Her family disowned her when she fell pregnant, so she was on her own at seventeen."
Amy frowned, disturbed by the fact that she felt sorrow about that. She tried to convince herself that it was fully directed at Kripke's mother and not Kripke himself.
"Unfortunately, his mother turned to drugs after he was born and... there may have been some abuse there. Towards Kripke. From his mother and her boyfriends."
"Wow," Amy whispered softly. She didn't know what else to say.
Sheldon squeezed her hand. "When he was nine, his mother died of a drug overdose, and he spent the rest of his childhood bouncing from foster home to foster home."
"I see," Amy said and looked down at her lap, fiddling with the hem of her cardigan.
"Don't feel sorry for him, Amy. A lot of people have rough childhoods and don't do what he did."
"Yeah." She nodded slightly. "I know." She paused, then looked at Sheldon again. "What about his aunt?"
"It was actually his great aunt. She was the sister of his mother's mother. Apparently, at some point, Kripke must have tried to get in touch with his grandparents and they still didn't want anything to do with him. But his great aunt took him under her wing. It sounds like she didn't agree with what her sister had done. His aunt was never married and never had kids of her own, so she basically gave everything to Kripke when she passed away."
"Like the house."
"Yes. And a significant chunk of money, which Barry apparently took in cash."
"Ah. That explains a lot."
Sheldon nodded in agreement. "Wherever he is, he has an easy way to fly under the radar with cash like that. No paper trail."
Amy sighed. "That's great."
Sheldon squeezed her hand again. "Hey. Try and think positive, okay? They'll find him."
"You don't know that," she whispered.
"No, I don't... but I have to believe it. For your sake."
She looked at him. "And yours."
He nodded. "And mine." He rubbed his thumb across hers. "How was your appointment?"
"It was... good. I guess. I'm still processing a lot of the things we said... Can I talk to you about it later? I need to wrap my head around it first, before I can discuss it."
Sheldon nodded. "Sure."
"Why didn't you tell me you were going to go talk to Castle and Brennan?"
Sheldon shrugged. "I didn't want you to be scared that I wasn't out in the waiting room. I thought I would be back before you were done."
Amy frowned. "I'm a big girl, Sheldon. I can handle it."
He nodded, but before he could respond, she cut him off. "Just like walking outside alone... I have to do things for myself. I have to try and be brave. You can't be glued to my side forever."
"It's only been four days, Amy."
She huffed. "I know that."
He squeezed her hand. "I'm sorry. It's not that I don't think you're brave... I'm just... not ready for you to be too far away from me yet," he said quietly, looking deep into her eyes.
"Okay." She smiled at the honesty and vulnerability she saw there. She squeezed his hand back. She wanted to tell him she loved him, but felt too embarrassed to say it in front of their Uber driver. She hoped he could read it in her eyes.
Amy was getting aggravated. They had been back at Sheldon's apartment for several hours and he had been following her around like a lost puppy the entire time.
She had tried to sit at the island and read a book, but he had puttered around the kitchen, deciding to reorganize the spice rack. She had moved to his bedroom when his muttering got too annoying, propping herself up against the headboard to continue reading. Within minutes he had followed her. He had laid down beside her and started reading a comic book.
After a few minutes of listening to him chuckle or gasp or sigh at the contents of his comic, she'd had enough. She stood up.
"Where are you going?" He asked, looking at her over his comic book.
"The living room. I'm going to write on my laptop."
"Write what?" He leaned up on his elbow, looking intrigued.
Amy sighed heavily, annoyed with him. "In my journal."
"Oh." Sheldon smiled timidly, noticing that there was something off about her tone. "Okay."
Amy stomped out of the room and walked to Leonard's desk. She sat down with a huff and opened her laptop. She pulled open her journaling app, which she hadn't written in since her return, and stared at the blank page, unsure where to even begin. Should she tell her journal what had happened to her? Or just dive right in about her feelings? She didn't have a chance to decide before she heard Sheldon enter the room.
He went into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water from the fridge and she tried to ignore him, hoping he would disappear back down the hallway. Instead, he plopped down on the couch.
Amy whirled around to glare at him. "What are you doing?" She asked angrily.
"I finished my comic book. Now I'm going to watch one of my shows."
Amy growled and Sheldon looked at her in surprise. "What?" He asked innocently.
She stood up and crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm going to go take a bath," she muttered and turned to stomp down the hallway, but he cut her off.
"Do you want me to sit with you?"
She turned back to him with animosity flashing in her eyes. "No, Sheldon! I want you to leave me the hell alone!"
"Oh," he said and she could see the hurt on his face, but she was too blinded by anger to care.
"Every time I move to a different spot in the apartment, you follow me. I need some space, Sheldon! And some privacy! I almost feel like you're the one holding me hostage now!"
He blanched, his jaw dropping as he stared at her with wide eyes.
She felt guilt pierce her chest, but she didn't want to deal with him, so she turned and walked down the hallway to his bedroom to get her robe. She stopped suddenly when she heard the front door shut.
Her heart jolted in her chest and she swallowed hard, listening carefully to see if she heard anything else. When she didn't, she hurried out to the living room, only to find that he was gone.
Her stomach churned and she placed her hand on it, trying to calm herself. She was alone in the apartment. She wondered if she should race after him, beg him to come back and stay with her. Her eyes burned with guilty tears. Maybe he just went across the hall to talk to Leonard. She thought about texting Penny, but before she could decide, her feet made the choice for her.
Amy quickly moved to the door and opened it, getting ready to rush down the stairs when she saw him, sitting on the top step with his head in his hands.
"Sheldon," she whispered, feeling an ache developing in her chest. Her voice hitched with tears. "I thought you left."
"I wanted to," he muttered, not turning to look at her.
Amy swallowed hard and then moved to sit next to him on the top step. She bumped her shoulder against his. "I'm sorry," she murmured and blinked back tears. "I never should have said that."
He looked at her briefly and she could see the anguish in his eyes before he turned away from her again. "If you need space, Amy, all you have to do is tell me."
She sighed and wrapped her arms around herself. "I know," she whispered.
"You know I'm not good at this stuff. I am bad at reading people, even you, sometimes."
"I know."
"I'm sorry I crowded you. I'm just... I just wanted to be there for you, in case you needed to talk after your session today, or if... you needed me... for anything, really." He swallowed. "This has been difficult for me, too."
"I know," she whispered again, feeling like a broken record. She slipped her arm through his and leaned her head on his shoulder. "What I said was awful and I didn't mean it. You've been nothing but wonderful since I got back," she murmured. "I really appreciate you and everything you've done for me."
"I would do anything for you... You know that, right?" He turned his head and pressed his lips to her hairline.
Her heart stuttered in her chest at his words.
"If there's something you need from me - or don't need - please, just tell me."
"Okay," she murmured, turning her face into his shoulder.
"Promise?"
"I promise." She leaned her forehead against his neck. "I love you," she whispered.
Her reached over, cupping her cheek in his hand, before pressing his lips lightly to hers. "I love you, too."
Sheldon stood up and held his hand out to her, pulling her up with him. "Come on."
"Where are we going?"
"I'm going to go sit on the couch and watch TV. You're going to go do whatever you need to do, wherever you need to do it, okay?"
She smiled warmly at him and squeezed his hand.
"Okay."
The couple made their way back into his apartment, shutting the door softly behind them.