Sorry..
It's been like, four months.
work, work, laptop died, work.
I actually sincerely apologize.
Watching the disappointment in Harry's face when I told him I was heading back to the school wasn't the hard part. The hard part was knowing I was relieved to get away from him, and
knowing that I was going to hurt him. The hard part wasn't knowing I was a terrible person, the hard part was knowing that being this terrible person didn't just hurt me, it hurt everyone
around me. For I had wove this twisted web in my bitterness against my feelings, a web that caught all those people I would never in a million years want to see cry. The hard part was
knowing that one day, I would be alone. And the people I had loved, and hurt and pushed away, would have finally come to know the Ginny inside. The Ginny that I hate. So. Much.
I remember this.. lullaby that my mother would sing to me in her sweet and soft, but assured voice. She was assured of her love for me, her little girl. I was assured too, at such a
dependable age that this woman was my whole world, and I knew she loved me. Nothing else mattered. And now, as I walked up the beautiful, ( I never really noticed how beautiful they
were) staircase to the girls' dormitories I heard the words, the sweet melody, and I began to cry, and rush for it, because I needed the assurance.
Her voice was sweet, sweeter even than my mothers. And I couldn't help but throw myself at her feet, my head into her lap and cry. She was surprised at first, but soon her gentle fingers
were stroking my hair and her voice sounded softer still, but she was singing to me this time and I didn't hear the words, just her voice.
Hermione.
Golden slumbers kiss your eyes,
Smiles await you when you rise.
Sleep,
Pretty baby,
Do not cry,
And I'll sing you a lullaby.
Care you know not,
Therefore sleep,
While I o'er you watch do keep,
Sleep,
Pretty darling,
Do not cry,
And I will sing a lullaby.
I needed her now, I didn't care if I was risking everything, I just needed her to know everything. It was crucial to me, because I felt as though.. as though if I didn't lay it all out for her
now, I would disappear into this person that I hated, and I would never know the end of suffering. Even if she turned me down, it would be better than that. I swear.
"Hermione.." My voice but a whisper, it sounded hoarse and unnatural interrupting hers. Her voice paused as did the fingers in my hair.
"I want you to know something.. that I've been keeping inside for a long time..
"Her laugh echoed and tickled my senses, it was not what I expected and I looked up at her with half a mind to start yelling, but her soft amused expression paused my angry words and cooled my temper.
"What?" Self consciousness and uncertainty washed over me and I couldn't help but blush."How stupid do you think I am, Ginerva? Honestly." Smoothing my hair out over my head she took my wet face in her hands and smiled, a sad, heart wrenching smile.
"I've known.. and I know I've been hurting you. I've been watching you fall farther and farther to rock bottom, unable.. or rather, unwilling to stop you. It's been hurting me too… knowing your self
destruction is entirely my fault.. yet.. still.. there's been a reason.. a driving force to why I have not picked you up off the floor and held you to my chest. Why I have not saved you.." She sighs,
and my vision blurs again as I clear my throat.
"Tell me why.. " My voice was thick, the verge of desperate as I clung to her sweater with a weak white-knuckled grip, the last of my strength, "Please.. tell me why."
Her lips were tight and her beautiful hazel eyes sad as she muttered one thing."Harry."
I mouthed his name and looked up at her, and I half understood, now, why she pushed me away that night in the common room. It wasn't out of rejection, or disgust.. it was out of her
indestructible maternal loyalty, her unmoving promise to herself to protect Harry. But I, in all my stubbornness needed for her to say it. Needed for her to explain it thoroughly.
"You know what lays ahead of Harry.. everyone does.. and yet.. he won't accept help from anyone. He pushes everyone in his life away, because he knows that he might not make it out of his
destiny alive. Everyone but you Ginny.. he loves you. He needs you. And I.. I would not be able to stand being the reason he can't have you. I hate it even now, these feelings we have for each
other.. hate it and love it.. but it's not fair to him. That's why I can never act on them, do you understand now? I would never want to hurt him.. and for that reason.. I can bury these feelings..
and.. you need to too. I know it's hard.. and it will continue to be.. but for Harry's sake.. and the sake of the Wizarding world.. You need to be the one who saves him from himself."
Her words became a jumbled mess on my brain, the heartache setting in and stiffening my chest. But I understood. And as I pulled myself up off the ground and straddled her lap, I was burying
my feelings, and as I kissed her, I was burying my feelings, and as I rocked my hips against her and we fell against the bed, I was burying my feelings.
"Can you really ignore this Hermione..?" I mumbled to her, sweaty and pressed against her, "Can you really ignore this?" She gasped as I moved her fingers to touch me. "No one makes
me wet like that.."
Her stare bored into my eyes with an intensity as her fingers began to move, and I shifted and stifled a moan, my body responding strongly to her. My hips began to rock with her
movements and soon I clung to her and was moaning her name over and over. This was what I wanted, I wanted her. Like this. Every night. For the rest of my life.
The next day was a continuation of rainy weather, chilly winds, and miserable, dreary moods. But I however, was in a surprisingly good one. Between sneaking secret glances at Hermione
and remembering last night, I was downright giddy. But her mood was foul. She regretted it I know. If only for Harry's sake, but I wouldn't let that dampen this floaty feeling I had ever
since I woke up pressed against her. But I think we both knew that we wouldn't be able to bury this, especially now. Especially when we're currently lying naked under the warmth of the
blanket.
I have /never/ felt more complete.
I replayed the conversation that led to this. I knew Hermione had been trying so hard to be strong. For me, for her, and for Harry. But now she looked so fragile, all of her shields had been
put down as she slept, loosely holding me. I belonged to her. Although my heart ached every time I think of Harry I can't help but defend my feelings selfishly. I need her. And if she felt
the same way as I did about her, she shouldn't have to share me.
When we went to class she was awkward but calm choosing to act as if nothing happened, though she didn't act like it was a mistake. For this I was glad. As for me, I was almost all
smiles, she shot me a disapproving glances and I just grinned at her. Just grinned. Harry and I walked together during a spare period and we sat by the lake. Him, dodging crumpled
pieces of parchment I threw at him, me, laughing and almost in tears as he made noises of protest and suffering.
He may not have my heart, but he definitely had my undying friendship. Definitely.
I wondered.. If that was enough for him.
I hoped it was.
Thanks guys. Tell me what you think.
Sorry if it's shit.