A/N: This chapter is for Alice.
Sev,
How is it that you are still in the hospital wing? It's been a whole day! You should be out by now! You only broke sixty bones! What's taking so long?
Sirius
To UKP (written vocally)
It is imperative that I stay still for the next three days and feel nothing but positive emotions in order for me to avoid being paralyzed permanently. However, this provides complications, as the Gryffindor in the next bed over is intent on being strangled. Madam Pompfrey's assistant, Alice, was forced to confiscate our wands within three minutes of the Gryffindor's arrival. Soon after, I was put under control with the full body bind spell while the Gryffindor was put to sleep (though, unfortunately, I don't mean that he is dead). Do have fun in class while I am here.
Sincerely,
Severus
Sev,
Poor you. Let me guess, the Gryf is James. I can see how you might become paralyzed forever.
Do get better.
Sirius
To UKP (Again, vocally),
You guessed correctly. I-Shut up, Potter, before I kill you. I don't care, shut up. Why do you even-No, Alice, we are not causing trouble. I don't care. Know, what, why don't you try thinking positive with this bas—
Signing off, before this is resolved,
Severus
Severus,
My, why the Gryffindors and the Slytherins can't get along. But look on the bright side, Jamesie will be gone this afternoon! And then it will be just you, and you can have your wand back! Anyway, I think it would be best if you didn't get into arguments while dictating letters, it gets confusing hearing only one side of the story. Here is what I think happened:
Snape: To UKP, again vocally. You guessed correctly. I-
James: Hi! Who is this? Snivellus, are you writing to a girlfriend? Who'd a guessed it! The git can get a girl!
Snape: Shut up, Potter, before I kill you.
James: But I don't wanna die…nor do I want to miss this chance at talking to your wonderful girlfriend.
Snape: I don't care, shut up. Why do you even—?
Alice: I sure hope two certain patients aren't causing trouble over there.
Snape: No, Alice, we are not causing trouble.
Alice: Good, because you two are supposed to be in bed, thinking happy thoughts.
Snape: I don't care. Know what, why don't you try thinking positive with this bas—
Alice: Mister Snape!
Snape: Signing off before this is resolved, Severus. (Letter goes away)
(More arguing)
Sirius
Sirius,
Ha, pretty close. Mm. Pompfrey was in there too. Do kill Potter for me now that he's out.
Severus
Sev,
I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing. I still have to serve detention for dropping you seven stories.
Last night's detention was an apology poem to you. I think Micky knows I hate poetry, and she's going to make sure I end up being the best poet in the school, ever. I believe you will be receiving this poem shortly. Please burn it.
Siriusly not a Poet
Sirius,
Oh no, you are definitely not a poet. I will not put commentary on your poem, because you know how it is and I already burned it. I am back in class and not paralyzed.
Perhaps you should try Haiku. It's still poetry and a lot better than trying to rhyme all that bloody apology stuff. It's three lines that don't rhyme, the first and last have five syllables (you do know what those are, don't you?), and the middle has seven, like this:
I apologize
For dropping you seven floors
Am very sorry
This stuff really is helpful in detentions, except when Minerva assigns a minimum amount of lines.
Severus
Severus (writing from detention),
Hello, hello! Today I am writing labels on everything in the Hospital Potion Cabinet! Whoopidee-doo! I believe you will get this in detention, also. You and James are just killing each other! Lily's ready to become a murderess, by the way. Who wants to bet on next year's prefects?
Sirius
Sirius (also writing from detention),
I am categorizing and rewriting detention records. Potter is not here, because Minerva does not want to give him ideas. You realize that Marauders Plus Snape is its own filing cabinet? I doubt that anyone in our future will be able to beat that.
Well, must get back to writing. It's a good thing I've learned to be ambidextrous, because I would be having some major hand problems if I didn't. I still have two essays due tomorrow, and I haven't started yet.
Severus
Sev (from det.),
Jst lbld 50 Dr. Drmls Slp. Hnd inj trbly. Ppr atak me.
SB
Sirius,
Now that we are both out of detention (and my essays are done, and the paper started to irritate me) I am going to decode your shorthand.
I think it says, "Jest Ill-bold 50 Doctor Drummels Slip. Hand injust terribly. Paper attack me."
Severus
Sev,
You idiot, it says "Just labeled 50 Drought of Dreamless Sleep. Hand injured terribly. Paper attack me."
Sirius
Sirius,
Your shorthand is bloody terrible.
Severus
Sev,
Is not. You just can't read.
Sirius
Sirius,
Is too. My reading is perfectly fine.
Severus
Sev,
Shoo, fly. Don't bother me.
Sirius
Sirius,
Screw you.
Severus
Sev,
Screw you back.
Sirius
Sirius,
Screw you to Hades.
Severus
Sev,
Didn't we already have this conversation?
Sirius
Sirius,
Probably.
Severus
Severus,
We did! About…200 letters ago.
Sirius
A/N: I really don't know if it was 200, but if anyone would like to count them, feel free.
I like writing this, hope you like reading it!
I do believe that this will only last until the end of summer break.
Who finds out our secret pen friends?