Chapter 8
A fate of bronze
Gale smiles at me and I have nothing to say. I back away from the door and wave for him to come inside. He enters and he tilts his head. "Hi Catnip. Is Haymitch here?" His voice is soft as if he is unsure if I can understand him. His eyes watch me intensely. I look away from him and try to breath.
"Haymitch? No. He's outside breaking up with….I mean he's….You came to see Haymitch?" I have no idea what I am saying.
"I brought him some things he's wanted" he says softly. "I am glad to see you are, well again."
"I was glad to hear you …won. I hoped You might come to twelve." I blurt.
"I did come Catnip. Twice. After, well after Peeta left, and again after he frightened Annie. You were not in very good shape."
He'd been there? I had not known. "I didn't know."
"Haymitch hoped maybe, if you saw me it would….but you didn't seem to….I couldn't help you. I couldn't stand to see you like that. I just couldn't stay…." He said with shame.
"It wasn't your fault. I am sorry I said it." I sit on the edge of the nearest chair, a wave of sadness sweeping my vision into blur. "I am sorry I didn't tell you what I was going to do. I was mad you didn't kill me, but I let you down, so I understand." I know I am probably not making any words string together that can be logically followed.
He looks like my words hurt him. "I knew you wanted me to …we always said we would. I was so mad at you when I was begging you, and then when the roles were reversed, I understood why you couldn't. Haymitch told me how bad it was for you in solitary. We knew there wasn't much of a chance, you'd make it out of all that. I feared what they would do, the second you shot her, but I couldn't take away that tiny hope. I couldn't survive it. By the time you were acquitted, you were gone and I couldn't deal with any of it. I couldn't see you like that. I meant to come when you were ready, but then I saw you and he told me what happened. I never thought you'd come back Catnip."
"I didn't know I could. Haymitch did everything for me. I love him Gale." There are tears making my voice sound hoarse.
He looks at me and smiles. He nods and with a sigh he says "I know. It's ok. I just want you to be ok, and happy."
"Me too. I want that for you."
The door opens. Haymitch steps in and stops. "Am I interrupting?"
I wipe my eyes. "You didn't tell me."
Haymitch sighed. "No. I didn't."
Gales holds up his hand. "My fault. I asked him not to."
Now I am confused. "Why?"
"Because I wasn't coming back. Because I was too weak to face you." His eyes are direct and hard.
I see him. I know he is my friend, but he is not in love with me enough to put up with me broken. I reach out and pat his hand. "It's fine. Why are you here now?"
He opens his briefcase. "I brought Haymitch the medical files on Peeta. They basically confirm everything you said Katniss. He isn't all human and he sure isn't all Peeta. I had a lot of trouble tracking this mess down. But. I felt it was worth you seeing it."
I look at Haymitch, whose face has taken on a grim expression. "Thank you for coming. I just had to be sure, in case."
"It was all a lie. He wasn't tortured. Not really. The last broadcast, when we saw the blood on the tiles. When he warned us about the bombing." Gale said hesitating to continue.
"Tell me." I say full of anger.
Haymitch nodded. "It's ok Gale. She deserves to know the truth."
Gales voice is artificially calm, serene, soothing in tone, as his slow words do the damage. "Ok. Katniss. He died. As the broadcast ended, when he said 'dead by morning', he was. They blew his brains out. That was the end, right before our eyes. We suspected it that moment. We didn't want to believe. He was gone before we ever tried to save him. I am so sorry." He withdrew pictures and laid them out on the table.
"You don't have to look sweetheart." Haymitch says moving to my side.
But I have already looked. I pick the largest photograph up and study it. One of his beautiful blue eyes had protruded out as the bullet tore through his skull. My Peeta lay on the floor like a bit of discarded game. He looked peaceful. My Peeta is at peace. I look at the small bits of brain that were scattered around his body. The crimson lake marred by footprints, the precious blood of my heart, pooled in a gory halo around him.
My Peeta never tried to kill me. I cover my mouth as tears of relief burst.
"Katniss, maybe you should…" Haymitch puts his arms around me.
"No. Don't you see? I am happy to know. It's better to know. Haymitch our Peeta died a hero. He died saving all those lives. Our Peeta never tried to hurt me. That Mutt who pretended, to be him, was not our Peeta. Our Peeta has been at peace for a long time. This is our Peeta. Don't you see? He's been dead all this time and I never saw him, he died and went to peace. He didn't hang on to us. He didn't die in hate. He died loving us and that was why he doesn't walk with the dead." I break down in pain, loss and most of all, thankful elation to know that he is not that evil creature who stalks me.
"They tried to make him a partial mutt. They tried to, but they couldn't. He malfunctioned on them. He malfunctioned every time. He warned us, and they had to kill him to make his Mutt. What we rescued was full mutt. And, it is programmed to kill you Katniss" Gale confirms.
"Oh Gale, thank you for this. You don't know what it means to me." I can't even comprehend all the joy I feel that he didn't ever know any of the things that we saw in the end. He never saw me burned. I was beautiful, when he died. Peeta didn't ever give up. They never broke him. He loved me to his last breath. That knowledge brought me such tranquility, it overshadowed that he was gone. I could feel his light again and I was whole.
Gale left quietly. I hugged him, thanked him again, and then watched him walk away with a smile. He had just become my best friend again.
Haymitch held me for over an hour. I was not shattered, but I was filled with terrible guilt for not knowing it. He'd been dead so long. "So, why did Effie slap you." I said into his shoulder just for something to say.
"Oh, sweetheart. Lot of strange history there. I tried to explain. She didn't appreciate something I said to her. I called her something that I should have kept to myself."
I looked at him, confused. "What did you call her?"
"a customer."
I looked at him raising my head from his chest in baffled amusement. "I think you lost me. Explain."
He smirked. "This is meant to make you laugh, so I will tell you. Each year, mentors and former victors return to the capital. During the games and again during the tour. We didn't just get to enjoy our selves and help our little tributes. There were other obligations for many of us. They bid on us. Poor Finnick would be in tears by the third day. The drugs they pumped into him to keep him going past exhaustion, well I had some experience with them. Me? My dance cards were finally winding down a bit. Publicly, Effie never wanted a thing to do with me. But, each bidding season." He looked at the ceiling and shook his head. " She wasn't so terribly concerned with my feelings or yours. She expected the arrangement to continue. I said I no longer accepted 'customers'. She slapped me."
"I am sorry, Haymitch. That's kind of not funny." I say, before it hits me. She had pretended such disgust for him then paid to be with him in secret. Of all the names he could call Effie Trinket, it was customer that got him slapped. "She won't be our friend any more, will she?"
"Doubtful. I could continue the arrangement if this friendship is of huge importance to you." He says as if he is the most reasonable of gentlemen, but the tension in his jaw and shoulders tell me otherwise.
I look at him as if I would consider that a good idea. "How much are you worth Hay?"
His amused face falls, "Katniss."
I burst out laughing. "I need to know how many pounds of flesh I will need to take out of anyone who tries."
"You stopped my heart. I thought I was going to be sick." He admits.
I put my head back down. My mind can't help but go on overdrive. My Haymitch had been like Finnick. Why wasn't he damaged like Finn had been? How could he handle it all so much better?
"Tell me, was there anyone you enjoyed being with? I mean, did you like Effie, for example?" I asked curious.
His eyes darken. "I will let you work that one out in your head Sweetheart." I can feel his anger. He disengages from me and sits away.
"I am sorry. I didn't mean it like that Hay. I mean you're a man. It wasn't all horrible was it? I just thought…"
He leans into me as if he's going to kiss me. "You think it would be better for me to be sold to anyone for anything than it would be for you? You think twenty-five years of humiliation is easier? Pain is less? I could survive it without hating myself? Just because I am a man? You think it makes it easier for me to be a whore? Maybe if I had treated you like that you could understand. You caught me in a weak moment of pure worship Katniss. Imagine how you would feel about me if it had been a moment of abuse you couldn't stop. How would you feel, waking to discover I had taken from you what was taken from me? Who out there cared what I did to you? Take a moment and think about where you would be now, if there had been no rebellion. Imagine knowing you could never escape." He was so angry he was shaking.
I threw my arms around him in comfort, but he pulled me off and twisted around. He rose and crossed the room so quickly I was still processing what he'd said. The bathroom door slammed and locked. I went to the door and stood, hearing him in pain. I knocked. "Haymitch? I am sorry. Forgive me. I love you. Please." When he didn't answer me I sat quietly and watched the door. I heard the sounds of things breaking. I swallowed and waited for the door to open.
The urge to slip raged in me and I fought it. I would not disappoint him again. I had said something stupid, but he was not throwing me out or screaming that he hated me. I needed to be there for him. The battle raged inside me, but I held on. The temptation grew. By the time the door unlocked, I was locked in battle within so fierce, I could not rise.
"Katniss. I am sorry. I shouldn't expect you to ….Sweetheart no." He knelt beside me fear screaming on his face. My eyes clicked back and forth, seeking the path away from this battle. I searched for my way back to him, but the fog was deep and I felt trapped.
"Peeta?" I whispered.
"I am here. Follow me." I clasp his hand and he drags me through the thick terrible blanket.
"Peeta. I know. You shouldn't be here. You're at peace. You can't come back." I say.
"I am taking you home. You should be with him right now. Not here. This place is only here for you in case." He says directly.
"In case what?" I ask watching him seem to know exactly where we need to go.
He turns. His blue eyes are brilliant. A small smile plays on his lips. "In case I come. It isn't me. This time you have to finish me off. That thing isn't me. Finish it off sweetheart."
He points and I run to the room full of my Haymitch. With a sigh I am looking down at him. He is bent to the side of the bed as if in prayer. I lean forward and touch his shoulder. He rolls back and with a choked sob, he is holding me as I whisper my apologies over and over in his ear.
The week in the capital gets better. We attend the opening of the Finnick Odair memorial statue. He is in a beautiful park by a lake; his trident is raised against a nightmare version of a capital mutt that does no justice to the true horror of the ones I remember. A Protective hand reaches out to shield a statue of me. My bow is drawn and aimed at something unseen to the side, as the great and mighty Finn gives his life to defend me. It is titled, "Champion of the mockingjay."
That isn't what it was like. I ran and left him like a coward. I watched as they made a game of him, while I was safe above. I blew him up, hoping it was enough to stop them hurting him. Then I never looked back. I left him without even being certain I graced him with death. I left my champion, my friend, to any fate, any horror and I ran away for nothing.
I can't help but touch the bronze face in wonder and that is the big photo of the week. My live face gazing at the bronze in wonder, tears streaming down my perfect Tigress frosted cheeks. Another picture, Annie and I, embracing in sorrow for the fallen hero, is paraded on every channel. I understood, but they had taken a private thing and sold it. I felt humiliated that any mention of me was offered. I didn't deserve his life. I had failed and left his child fatherless, for naught.
I understood a tiny bit of how Haymitch must have felt. I knew what he had lived must be a million times worse, but I still hated them all. I had been a whore too. I had whored the lies they wanted me to tell. Finnick's memorial, being another lie, made me feel like I had somehow, become the last person to use him.
There was tension growing between Haymitch and I. I was not jealous, but anger swelled in me. I couldn't look at a woman who flirted at him in a familiar way that I didn't want to kill them. His face would smile and he would be charming, but now I understood why he refused to ever be charming any other time. I understood why he had done everything in his power to ruin their fun. Drunk and stinking and hopelessly unpleasant was the way he had rebelled.
Finnick embraced it all as if he were having fun, even though he must have been dying inside. Haymitch had dared them to finish him, becoming more openly hostile and uncooperative each year. Pride swelled in me at the thought of he and Finn and Johanna. They had each fought. Enobaria'a teeth. Johanna's lack of hygiene. I was nothing compared to them. I simply turned to fog. They were the steel that mattered. I didn't deserve any of them. Even Annie had more strength than I did. What would I have become if I had been exposed to their horror.
Why had I escaped? Snow intended it? Had he protected me? The thought of the reward he must have imagined for that protection, was enough to slide me toward suicide. I thought of Peeta, out there somewhere, waiting to complete Snow's last directive. I wanted to go home, but Haymitch kept telling me he had business. His business seemed to involve a great deal if drinking and leaving me to sit alone or with Annie and Johanna. I didn't like the distance that was seeping between us.
Haymitch stood in our room drinking and staring out the window. He has been remote for the last few days. I have worried, but he will not speak of his troubles or the thing we had argued about. He had been silent for some time. I poured him a fresh drink and handed it to him, though it was strange that he was drinking it so fast. "I want to call the wedding off Katniss."
I couldn't move or breathe. "What did I do?"
He has been drinking heavily all afternoon, for the first time in a long time, he is that cynical belligerent mentor I knew him as before I thought him worthy of kindness, much less love. I know he's bothered but he has refused my efforts to find out what it is about.
"You? Nothing. I adore you. But I won't have you married to a whore. That's all I am Katniss. A drunken whore, who will always have someone bragging to you, about what they paid for me to do. Someone will make you hate me. The blackmail has already begun. Someone will get to you and it will shame you. You will find no escape so long as you are tied to a piece of offal like me. I won't put you through that. I should have thought before I asked." His voice sounds final.
"I would never be ashamed. Damned them all. I hate every woman who ever…"I cover my mouth and shake my head, hurting for him.
"Makes for about half of the number I hate. Wasn't all women Katniss." He whispers distantly.
"I don't care. I love you. Lets just leave. We can go home and we will never come back here. This isn't us Hay. This place is infected with dirt and evil. Just hold me and…"I try to keep the desperation out of my voice.
"I will never escape Katniss. The best I can do for you is to set you free, watch over you the best I can. It's all I have to offer." He swigs down his drink and sets it on the table.
"Really. So that's it? We are what, just friends now. Lovers only when nobody is around? Or worse, you will never touch me again? How long do you think I will survive?" I don't challenge him. I just want to know what he thinks my yes was about.
"You are you are young, Katniss. It may hurt you for a little while, but you will find love again. Real love, something deep and true and whole. You are the mockingjay. They will line up to offer their hands to you. I am in your way. One day you will find the one who will remove me from your thoughts." He sounds so convincing.
"How will I know Haymitch. You fooled me. I thought I had it here. I thought you loved me." I say as if I am resolved to what he says.
"I do love you. That's why I know what is the best." He reaches out to touch my face then pauses, snatching his hand back.
I sigh. "I see. You're giving me no choice and you don't care about my opinion."
"No. Because I know where it ends. You would see it if you knew everything I do." He is so stubborn.
"Funny, you don't seem to concerned with where this path leads. Just so you know, I have seen them looking at you. The women who bought you and speak to you out there among the still wealthy. I want to kill every last one of them and I would if I thought it would make one minute better for you. Blackmail? You let that start now and you will never find the end. What can they tell me Hay. What would it take for me to not love you? Are you so stupid, that you think any of that matters?"
"It does matter." He roars. "It Matters!"
"You said it didn't so long as we had tomorrow." I say letting the hurt fill my eyes, begging him to see.
"I was wrong. It matters. You don't understand." He shakes his head.
"I do understand Haymitch. It's you that is missing the most important part. Here. I don't belong to this any more." I hand him back the ring. He doesn't take it. He just looks at it. I set it on the table. "I don't belong to anything now. Isn't that what you are saying? You don't want me?"
"I am sorry sweetheart." He says kindly.
"I will do anything to stop this Haymitch. Anything." I plead. I get down on my knees shaking my head. "Please."
"Katniss, stop it."
I bow down. "I would never have come Haymitch. You thought it would destroy me. I never thought it would destroy you. Please don't do this."
"I am sorry Katniss. You have no idea the things I have done. There are certain obligations I wrongly thought were past. The mortgages are still due." His face is blank then suddenly his snotty Haymitch mask returns. "Cheer up sweetheart, anything I have to do to keep you safe is worth it. I will be back later."
"Who is she. Is it Effie doing this to you?"
"Of couse not. Effie is small potatoes. I am in a larger bind than that. I have to protect Annie too my dear."
"I will follow. I will follow you and kill them. They can't do this to you any more."
I just look at him refusing to give this up. "They can't make you do anything any longer. Please talk to me Haymitch. I thought you trusted me."
"I can't get out of this Katniss. I agreed to things, to protect people I loved. The debt must be honored. I will not subject you to the being that results. You will understand when I get back. Don't wait up." He crosses the room quickly as if he is just off to a meeting.
"I won't be here." I whisper.
He sighs, takes my hand making me stand and wraps his arms around me. "You have to be. I will need you. If you are not here, Katniss…I will assume you are with Congressman Hawthorne. He would not be opposed to it. I can't marry you, but I will love you as long as you allow it. When you leave me, I will know you have stopped. It's for the best. Get some sleep and we will do something fun tomorrow. I am sorry, and I do love you."
It takes him several more tries to get away from me. He finally calls Johanna for assistance, which just makes me furious with her. I can't tell her what is going on. I want to, thinking she could help me hunt them down, but I am fooling myself thinking I am still the girl who was a warrior. I don't even have a bow with me and I was the coward who left Finnick Odair to scream in the tunnels. They never even found a big enough piece of him to send home to Annie. I blew up the tunnel, where had the pieces gone.
I found love among the ashes and horror. I felt like I was back in the tunnels, only this time, it was Haymitch who would be ripped to pieces while I stood by watching. Would they make a statue to him and lie to make me look like I had done anything to stop it from happening?