Disclaimer: I live in boring old Constantly-Smells-Like-Cows, New York, so no, I don't own Harry Potter. I know, hard to believe.

OMFFFFFFG over 100 reviews! 103, actually XD. Now, you're probably like 'whattttt there are 179 reviews!' BUT when I restarted this fic I had 76 reviews on the old one, so now my NEW version of Screwy Dewey has over 100 reviews! I love you ALL and it's been over a year since this fic has started, and we're practically half-way done with the fic. I'm not sure, there will probably be like seven or eight or twenty more chapters.

Haha, glad you likeed the 'British' part, I had to look all of it up.

If you speak French, prepare for an onslaught of curses! Totally 'M-rated' curses, mind you! But if you don't...it's just a conversation about bunnies. Really, it is.

Screwy Dewey

Chapter 11

Flirting Through Argument

1975

Dewey smiled and leaned back, laying on the sand and smiling at her friend, Claire, who (despite her fairly average name) was probably the most interesting person Dewey had ever met.

Claire O'Reilly was a tall, part-veela, Irish, red-haired blue-eyed fourteen year old who she was visiting for a week. And, even though Claire was Irish, they were both currently in South Africa, where there were a surprising amount of blonde people.

Claire was wearing jean shorts and a tight white tank top, but was still sweating like crazy. Dewey shrugged, she was sweating too. They were practically on the equator, and they were on a beach.

"Blimey, nexx time, we're going to a bloody nude beach," Claire groaned, summoning an umbrella and blocking out the sun with it. Dewey laughed as the muggle Claire had summoned the umbrella from started looking around, confused. "If there is a nexx time. I keep forget'in tha' you're leavin tomorrah."

"You should come with," Dewey suggested. "I mean, Rich and Jude will loooove you, you sexy beast."

"Yeah? I been thinking', and I will come with yah," Claire glanced around, "I mean, who'd a thunk the 'most exotic' continent in the fraggin world is so...so lame. I mean, besides that mis'ap wit' that lioness tha' went an' scratched my neck and broke your car."

"Eh, it wasn't my car, but that was awesome," Dewey nodded, "Plus you got wicked scars."

"Yeah, yeah, those scars are cool!" Claire tilted her head, "'Oose car was it, anyway?"

"I dunno, some safari tour guide dudes?"

"Le's go tah England today, Dewey, this is too much!" Claire growled, "I cannae stand being in this bloody heat! Besides, I 'ave been 'ere for two 'ole months, tha's far too long to be in one place, yeah?"

Dewey laughed, two months was probably the longest time Claire had ever spent in one place. She had a tendency to move whenever she started to get attached to something, so Dewey knew she must really like it here.

"'Kay," Dewey stood, "So, are we going, like, right now?"

"Hell yes!" Claire jumped up and spun around happily, "Let's go!"

Claire picked up a shell and muttered 'portus', and it started to glow blue.

"Someone's in a rush!" Dewey laughed, putting a finger on the shell. She didn't really mind all the stuff she was leaving behind, there wasn't that much stuff she owned anyway.

Dewey face-planted on the grass, and smelled rain (it must've stormed the night before). She breathed in deeply. Ahh, England.

"We should only be 'bout five miles from London," Claire said, "I didn't know where else we could land, so I jus' sent us to the only place I knew."

"No prob, I can apparate us from here," Dewey shrugged, still high on the rush of an illegal portkey. She grabbed Claire's arm and apparated them to the alley she shared with Jude and Rich. "Sweet Merlin."

Dewey spun in a full circle, examining the completely destroyed habitat.

The curtain was ripped, slashed up. And all the plush bean bags were scorched, and Rich's paintings were destroyed.

"Is this the righ' place?" Claire asked.

Dewey slid down the brick wall, "I dunno what happened. It's...it's fricking destroyed. Someone fricking destroyed it.

"Tha's 'orrible!" Marie started cursing in French. Dewey knew Claire had the tendency to speak French at random intervals, "'Oo would do such a- what's that?"

Dewey plucked a hastily scribbled note off the floor, "It's a note from Rich and Jude."

Dewey

We're leaving, the police are onto us about my wizard thing and Jude's gone and eloped with Kathleen O'Neil, that bastard, he's living in Ireland, and I'm back in Missouri.

Visit.

Pretty Much The Greatest Person You'll Ever Meet,

Rich Thomas

Dewey could honestly say she wasn't mad, just shocked. Hell, she'd been gone for six days! And, frackk, Jude was fucking married!

"Merde," Claire hissed, "Now where should we go, Dewey? We could go to the-"

"We can go to my house," Dewey sighed resignedly, "My parents are gone until school starts, but my bro and his friends are there."

Claire involuntarily wrinkled her nose at the world 'school', "You're not going back to school, righ'? You'll be stayin' with me?"

"I think I'm going back to school," Dewey shrugged. "I wanna finish."

"Ew," But then Claire shrugged, "Whatever. Let us go to chez-toi, non?"

"Oui," Dewey smiled, using a bit of French, "To chez-moi."

Dewey apparated them both into the tree outside her room and climbed in through her window.

"Hold on a tick, Peter, I think I hear something," Dewey heard someone say outside the door.

The door swung open and Dewey found herself face-to-face with Remus Lupin and Sirius Black.

"Er...hello..." She rubbed the back of her head. Awkward.

Sirius blinked, "Dewey? I thought you weren't coming till Christmas?"

"Africa was hot and boring after a while," Dewey shrugged.

"Africa?" Sirius decided not to comment on that, "I thought you looked tanner."

"Thanks," Dewey grinned. "The sun was intense, so the tan better have been worth it."

"Putain!" Dewey cringed when she heard Claire crash to the floor behind her, "Baissez-vous, Dewey! Nique ta mere! Oh, tu pute!"

Dewey rushed over to help up her cursing French friend, Remus and Sirius were right behind her.

"Sorry, Claire!" Dewey pulled her woozy friend to her feet.

"Merde, I'm bloody bleedin'," Claire clutched her right forearm, which was dripping blood onto the carpet.

"I can fix that," Remus led her out of the room and Dewey saw her Irish siren smile flirtatiously at the young lycan.

"He's so going down," Dewey chuckled, seeing a blush climb up the back of Remus' neck as they walked away, "So, where's James?"

"Err," Sirius blinked, weirded out by seeing the hot girl go after his friend, not him. He was happy, though, because he liked looking at Dewey more, especially with her new tan-ness. "Let's go find him, yeah?"

"Yeah," Dewey nodded, ignoring Sirius' wandering eyes, "Let's."

Dewey jumped into the hallway, Sirius right in front of her.

She cracked her neck.

Time to get serious.

(Haha, get serious? Get Sirius? No? Yeah...no.)

1976

Dewey was fooling around with that stupid piece of parchment that she had stolen from Sirius. He claimed it was a map.

It didn't look like a map.

It didn't smell like a map.

It didn't taste like a map.

But apparently, it was a map.

"Errr…reveal your secrets!" She tapped the parchment with her wand. Slowly but surely, four different handwritings showed up on the page. Dewey squinted at the paper.

Mr. Moony thinks Ms. Hotstuff should please return the map to The Marauders

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and wants to know who decided that the nickname for his big sister was to be 'Hotstuff'

Mr. Padfoot thinks that the reason for nicknaming her 'Hotstuff' is fairly obvious and would like to point out that it's not my fault she got the map

Mr. Wormtail points out that it's entirely Mr. Padfoot's fault Ms. Hotstuff got the map and begs Ms. Hotstuff to return it

"Return it?" Dewey snorted, "Not likely. Hmmm…Ms. Hotstuff. There's a nickname I could get used to."

"Hey hey Dew-way!" Dewey smiled as Ray, her favorite Slytherin (actually, the only Slytherin she liked) entered the class. She hadn't known him long, but when he and Pippin (his best friend, a Hufflepuff.) met someone who liked them, they tended to latch on a bit. "You look like you're up to no good."

"I solemnly swear it!" Dewey laughed, looking around, noticing the lack of Pippin. This was the first time she had ever seen them apart (not counting anything that happened in the girls dorms, that is)

"What do you solemnly swear?" Ah, speak of the devil. There's Pip.

"I solemnly swear I'm up to no good," Dewey grinned, tapping her wand on the table repeatedly.

She looked down and realized she had been tapping the map which was suddenly gaining lines and dots and names all over the place.

"Whoa."

She glanced it over once or twice. There's Doon, pacing in his room. Remus in the boys dorms. Peter in the (ew) bathroom down the hall.

While Dewey was examining the map thoroughly, Pippin and Ray had their own conversation.

"Do you think Sirius Black is totally gorgeous?"

"Ray, I have a boyfriend."

"Yeah, but he's not here, is he."

"Still, I'm not gonna talk about some other guy. Besides, Dewey's madly in love with him, so don't go trying to turn him gay or something, 'cause she'd be sad if it works."

"Alright…hey, did you know there's supposed to be this Swiss cheese where you hold the biggest hole up to your eye and spin three times, then whoever it lands on is your true love."

"Mate, you're crazy."

"Well…BLEH!"

"BLEH!"

"BLEEEEEH!"

"BLEH times infinity! I win!"

"BLEH times infinity and beyond!"

"You win this round, amigo…."

"This is totally AWESOME!" Dewey jumped out of her seat, pushing past Pippin and Ray and their odd conversation hurriedly, "See you later guys, I hafta find my brother or Sirius or something!"

Pippin and Ray looked at the door, where she sprinted away, then at each other, then back at the door.

Ray tilted his head, "Well, she's a weird one, isn't she."

"Mhmm. So, about that cheese…."

Dewey sprinted down the hall, not looking up from the map but still dodging every student in her path.

"Dewey, what's going on?" Sirius Black asked as she ran past him, and she ignored him. He started to run after her, a bit worried, but mostly curios.

Dewey skidded around a corner…and right into one very angry water elemental Slytherin, Pierre Delacour.

She landed awkwardly on top of him, bashing foreheads accidentally.

She had been looking for the dot on the map that should say 'James Potter', and had not seen 'Pierre Delacour' rounding the corner too.

"Ewwww!"

The two rivals (in both element and house) jumped up immediately, flying away from each other.

Dewey jumped backwards, right into Sirius, who caught her under the arms to steady her, holding her back against his chest.

"Smooth," Sirius murmured in her ear, Straightening up and regaining balance, Dewey pulled away and ignored the blush on her face.

"Watch it, Pottair," Pierre spat at her in his French accent, before turning to size up Sirius.

You see, Pierre Delacour was a handsome boy. No, not just handsome, he was totally gorgeous. Dewey remembered Marie often saying he was capital H-o-t-t, Hott. And boy, did he know it. Unlike Sirius, who was the same way, he also had the advantage of being seemingly unreachable. While Sirius went out of his way to ask out girls, Pierre roped them in slowly, letting them come to him, letting those stupid girls really fall in love with him first. Dewey knew this all too well.

Delacour had been a constant enemy, and occasional secret-snog-buddy, of Dewey Potter up until sixth year, when they had tried an actual, public relationship. That did not work out too well. Especially when she had refused to 'put out' as he so eloquently put it.

Dewey glared as he flipped his stupid gorgeous black hair aside.

"You watch it, Delacour," Dewey spat back, and the air started to crackle, "Maybe it you hadn't had that enormously large ego to carry around you would have seen me coming."

Subtly, Dewey handed the map to Sirius, who put it in his back pocket. Pierre took a threatening step forward, and she felt Sirius tense beside her and step towards her.

"Well, Dewey, I seem to remember a time when tu did not zink my ego was all zat big, non?"

"Oh, please, Pierre," Dewey stepped forward, crossing her arms, and tilted her head to look into his face (they were toe-to-toe, now, and he was rather tall) "I always knew it was atrociously large, I just chose to ignore it."

"You ignored it ze entire time we were doing ze dating?" He raised an eyebrow.

"You ignored it when?" They both ignored Sirius' irrational outburst.

"No, not when we were snogging, just whenever we had to do, y'know, couple-y stuff, like talking."

"C'est vrai, I do 'ave memories of zis," They both stepped back a bit, "So…would you like to do more of ze snogging, zen?"

"No, she would not like to snog you more!" Sirius stepped in between them hastily, completely blocking Pierre from Dewey's view.

Dewey punched his back, and peeked over his shoulder at her ex.

"Merlin, Sirius, I can speak for myself," She pushed him out of the way and glared at Pierre, "No, I would not like to snog you more!" Dewey jumped on Sirius' back and patted his head, "Now, go to the common room, I have things to discuss with a certain brother of mine."

Pierre raised an eyebrow as Sirius began to walk down the hall while carrying Dewey piggy-back style.

He heard some of their conversation before they were completely out of hearing distance.

"What am I, your mule?" He heard Sirius complain.

Dewey had snorted, "Yeah, when you get all jealous like that and I let it slide, you owe me."

"I was not being jealous!"

Pierre laughed a bit, knowing that they would both end up together in the long run.

But…

He tapped his chin thoughtfully.

He hadn't done anything particularly evil in a while, so…

Time to stage an intervention!

Oh, eviiil Pierre Delacour,

ANDDDDDDDDDDdDDDDDD

Review

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(heehee, there's a banana in ^there^)

(ps- sorry, I'm giggly cuz it's 2am and I just watched StarKidPotter's musical, Me And My Dick. Lulz SOO funny. I also watched A Very Potter Musical again on you tube and it's sequel if you haven't seen it GO WATCH IT NOW OR ELSE)