Uno chapitre pour el screwo le dew-o.

Haha YOU'RE ALL JEALOUS CUZ I SPEAK SPANISH

suck ooooooooon that

Screwy Dewey

Chapter 12

Everyone Is A Little Gay Except Ray

1975

Dewey was scheming.

Sirius was bored.

Peter was sleepy.

Claire was smirking.

Remus was blushing.

James was hesitant.

"I dunno, we're not...we're not even seventeen yet. And you're supposed to be eighteen for muggle bars," James said. Not like he hadn't drunk at bars in Hogsmeade, but these were muggles. "And it's in Ireland, which means an illegal portkey..."

"I told'ya, this bar don' give a damn, s'long as yeh can see over the bar yeh're old enuff tah drink," Claire repeated for the umpteenth time. "'S 'round Dingle, 's a great place for a drink or two with mates. And Dewey an' I both know how tah make a portkey wit'out the bobbies catchin' on."

"Fine..." James consented. Sirius cheered internally. "But only for a drink or two."

"Of course, Jimmy dearest," Dewey smiled, pulling out her wand. "Only a drink or two."

"Remembuh, to let 'er under yer skin, then yah begin, to make it better, bettah, bettah, bettah, bettah, bettah, OWWWW!" Claire belted as they stumbled down the cobbled street.

"Naaa, na na, nanana naaaaaa, nanana naaaaaaaa, hey Jude!" Dewey joined in, laughing, as Sirius stood behind her and yelled a couple of 'Yeah!'.

"Oi! Shu'up, yeh bloody drunks!" Someone shouted from an open window in an apartment building.

The group of six tried, and failed, to stifle their giggles before crashing onto the sand of Dingle Bay.

"Dew, D-Dew Dew Deweeeey, that grass we were walking on, it was covered in dew, it was dewey! Haha, get it? Dewey?" James rolled on the sand, laughing his head off.

Dewey burst out laughing and turned to face Sirius, "He's not Sirius, is he? Hehehe, ha ha. HAHAHA. HEHEHAHAHEHA!"

"Shuddup," Claire groaned, annoyed at the puns. "Let's go swimming!"

"Are you kidding, Claire?" Peter said incredulously, "That water must me below 50, we'll get hypo-freaking-thermia."

"Suit yerself," She ran, screaming and fully clothed, into the water. "Merlin's balls! It bloody freezin' in 'ere! Merde, I think my toes jus' chipped off. Come on in, you lot!"

Turning to her twin and shrugging, Dewey and James took off hand in hand for the water, cheering as the freezing cold saltwater numbed them. Soon, Remus, Pete, and Sirius joined in too, and when they crawled back onto the beach, shivering, they were considerably more sober.

"Portus," Dewey pointed her wand at a shell and everyone stuck a finger on it.

Soon they had all changed into snug pajamas and were sitting cross-legged on the floor, around the fire place, drinking strong tea. Mostly, now, they were sober.

"So...how do you light this thing?" James poked the stack of wood with her wand. "You can't just incendio the wood, right? I mean, it doesn't just work like that."

Dewey snorted, pushing her brother aside, "Amateurs."

She flicked her lighter open and sent a huge burst of fire into the fire place, nearly lighting the surrounding area on fire too.

There was a small silence where everyone marveled at the scorched mantelpiece.

"Well," Remus stated, "That was efficient."

Claire turned to Remus, "You know, there's somet'in off 'bout you."

The lycan blinked guiltily, before blurting out, "I'm wearing mismatched socks! All the other ones were dirty, and I just couldn't find a matching pair, and Sirius wouldn't let me borrow his and James has teeny tiny feet, so I'm wearing a red sock and a green one! I feel like a bloody Christmas decoration!"

"No, s'not your socks," She leaned forward to consider him, letting out a few doctor-like 'hmmms' and poking him in the face. "Ah, yes, yeh're a werewolf."

Claire leaned back onto the floor casually, while everyone else bolted upright, a little freaked out by her calm announcement.

"Claire, you can't just accuse people of being werewolves!"

"But 'e is one!"

"Oh. Well, then I guess it's okay. You know, I knew a few werewolves One guy, Brutus, tried to eat my flesh this one time, but other than that he was cool. We were tight, especially since he was gay and I set him up with my other gay werewolf friend, Pablo."

"I'm not- I mean, no!" Remus spluttered on the verge of hysteria, "Werewolf! HA! You're funny...WRONG...but funny. Werewolf, that's totally ridicu- how'd you know?"

"Me brother's ex-girlfriend was a werewolf," Claire said, like it was obvious.

"And, he broke up with her because she was a werewolf, I presume."

"Nah, she was gay."

"Oh," Remus blinked, "That's...weird."

"Not really," Dewey said, "I have a bunch of gay friends! They're all totally normal, just gay!"

"Aren't gay people...kinda weird?" James said hesitantly.

Dewey smacked him upside the head, "No! Don't be a dick!"

"Dewey, yeh 'ave to admit, you 'ave a surprisingly large amount of gay friends," Claire pointed out, "And that's pretty weird. You just...attract gay people. Like Doon."

"Doon's not gay," Dewey told her.

Claire sat up again, "Really? That's weird. I bet he will be, that dude is definitely gay."

"No, he's definitely not. And I don't have a surprisingly large amount of gay friends. I have a totally expected-ly large amount of gay friends."

"You just told a story about your gay werewolf friend that you set up with your other gay werewolf friend. How many people have two gay werewolf friends?"

"I have two gay vampire friends, you know Edwardo and Jazz. I have three gay werewolf friends. Which reminds me, Remus, if you're gay then I totally know this awesome werewolf dude, Jakey. You'd get along swell, he really loves Shakespeare and all those old muggle dudes. You like them too, right?"

"Wha-? I'm not gay," Remus blushed horribly. "I mean...I kissed Sirius once, but that was fourth year!"

"You kissed Sirius in fourth year?" James asked, "That's funny, I kissed Sirius in fourth year."

They both turned to stare at Sirius, who shrugged, "What can I say, I was a curious fourth year."

"So you're a little gay?"

"I t'ink everyone's a lit'le gay, mate," Claire said philosophically.

"But you are a werewolf?"

"...yeah."

"Oh, righ', back to my brother's ex, so my brother walked in on her making out with me and then it was just awkward, you know?" Claire shrugged, like making out with your brother's werewolf girlfriend was completely normal.

"Are you gay?" Sirius asked her.

"No," Claire shrugged, "I'm kind of bi-sexual, I guess, but I prefer the male type," She stopped to think, "Actually, I t'ink I jus' go for the dangerous creature type. Like, my brother's werewolf ex-girlfriend, or this vamp I met, Carlos, or that one time I even tried to hit on Dewey fer her fire elemental ruggedness. I 'ad though' abou' Doon, o' course, but God damn, I coulda sworn 'e were gay."

Claire turned to Remus, resting her hand on his mid-thigh. He gulped loudly, and Dewey snickered at his awestruck expression. She guessed, because of his werewolf insecurities, he hadn't ever been in that kind of position with a girl. And this particular girl was part-veela, which probably didn't help.

"I wasn' kiddin' when I said I liked the dangerous type," She winked provocatively, "I'm off tah bed. Any dark creatures by the name of Dewey or Remus want tah join me fer the night?"

"I think I'm good, Claire," Dewey chuckled.

"Eurghlenphhhh," Remus mumbled, bright red.

Claire left the room, and Dewey followed shortly, sensing the blokes needed their 'bloke-time'. Even though Peter had recently fallen asleep on the floor.

"So, Remus," Sirius said innocently, "I think she likes you."

In response, he got a pillow to the head.

1976

Pierre Delacour stood in front of the massive library, marveling for a bit.

It had been a week and a half since he had decided to stage his intervention, and he had yet to begin.

But where to start?

Step One, he needed to find a dictionary, because if one was to stage an intervention, one should know what the word means.

Step Two, he needed to plan his intervention (or scheme, depending on what the results of Step One were) and play it out perfectly with no mistakes.

And if Step One and Two worked out, Step Three would be to laugh and explain the intervention to them, and watch as they realized they were all idiots.

"It's quite brill, isn't it?" He (internally) jumped when a tinkling voice from beside him spoke up. He hadn't noticed the shorter red head come up behind him. Instinctively, his eyes shot to her neck tie. Gryffindor (ew.) "The library, I mean."

"Oui," First word to non-French women should always be in French. Chicks dig that shit. "C'est un grande CDI."

"Oh! You're French!" She exclaimed happily, "How wonderful! My name is Lily, Lily Evans."

Interesting. The Potter girl, her brother was apparently quite known for being largely infatuated with this girl. And this girl was notorious for being friends with friendly Slytherins.

Goddamn, intervention better be the right word, because this, Pierre thought ecstatically, this is how an intervention should work.

"Enchante, madmoiselle. Je m'appel Pierre Delacour," He took her hand and kissed the back of it, enjoying the flush that covered her face as he did so, "So, you 'ave been un student 'ere for 'ow long?"

"Oh, I'm a seventh year, and I've been going to Hogwarts my entire life," She said pleasantly.

"'Ow fascinating!" Pierre faked enthusiasm, "I 'ave been to trois schools, including ze 'Ogwarts."

"Really? How wonderful!" She said again, "You'll have to tell me all about it sometime, but for now I'm just hanging up fliers. I'm headgirl."

"'Eadgirl? You must be un bonne student, to be 'onored like zis, non?"

"Ah, yes, I like to keep up with my grades, I'm very glad I got it."

"Oui, oui, c'est fantastique! Alas, you must go, non, to 'ang ze...fliers?"

Lily turned to go, but hesitated, "Well, my job was to inform people about this dance we're going to have at the end of the month. On Halloween, and you, as a student, deserve to know, too. So I guess I can stay and talk about it for a bit. It's going to be on the 31, obviously, and we were trying to finalize a short-notice Hogsmeade trip two weeks from now..."

"C'est tres excellent!"

Pierre smirked. A dance? He didn't even care if intervention was the right freaking word anymore, he was gonna goddamn use that word! It was all just working out way too perfectly.

He knew exactly what to do first.

Now all he needed was to find Dewey Potter...

James sighed, wandering the halls a bit aimlessly. He had been patrolling, but now he was just staring at his map, the Marauder's Map, happily. Dewey had finally (been forced to) return it last week (after they had threatened to throw her beaters bat into the Whomping Willow.

Suddenly two dots, nearly on top of each other, caught his eye.

Great, another snogging (or worse, shagging) couple to separate.

James lifted his glasses to try and read the names, but quickly realized that that didn't help at all.

Let's see, that one was...Pierre Delacour.

And the other was...no way...oh, gross.

Dewey Potter.

*One Week Later*

One week later, Dewey Potter walked into the Great Hall, completely avoiding her twin, along with the awkward conversation that was bound to follow, and sitting at the Slytherin table with Ray. Several people hissed at her as she sat. She roared back. Good times.

"Dewey, I...need to tell you something private," Ray mumbled. Glancing around, she realized this would be no problem, since there was absolutely no one within at least a 3 yard radius around them.

"What's up, Rayman?" In the past two or three weeks, Dewey had really gotten to know Ray and Pip better, but mostly Ray since Pippin was constantly sneaking off campus or writing bizarre letters to her even more bizarre boyfriend.

"I think I'm crushing in someone. Like, a lot."

"Wait, who do you have a crush on?"

"I think it's more like I'm in love..."

"Who?" Suddenly it hit her, "Ohmigodric, you're in love with James? James?"

"No," Ray mumbled.

"Dude, tell me!"

"Pifferfdf," He mumbled, and Dewey flicked him in the ear. "It's Pippin, alright?"

Dewey stared at him, "But you're...gay. Aren't you."

"I don't know! I...I think I'm straight."

"Dude, you can't just bounce back and forth between straight and gay, unless you're bi, it doesn't work like that."

"Being gay has always been my rebellious thing!" Ray admitted, "I just told my father that one day to see what he would do, and now my parents hate my guts, and everyone but me thinks I'm gay. I mean, I always assumed I was gay, because I've seen guys that I thought were attractive, but I see girls I think are attractive too! And I've never had a real crush on a guy or a girl! Well, until now..."

"Pippin is madly in love with that older guy!"

"You don't think I know that!" He snapped, "Stupid Xenophilius Lovegood."

"Are you sure you're not just confusing brotherly love with...something else?"

"If what I dreamed about last night is how brothers think of their sisters, it's no wonder more and more purebloods are inbreeding. And besides, I have a sister. She's a beautiful slut, and I do not think of her like that. I've never thought about guys like that either."

"Okay. Wow. Way too much info." They were both silent, "So, you're not even a little bit gay?"

"No."

"Dude."

"I know."

"I mean...seriously...dude."

"I know."

Pippin approached the table happily, smiling dreamily, "Hello, Dewey, Hello, Ray. What are you two talking about."

"Magic cheese," Ray said at the same time Dewey said, "Prostitutes."

Pippin blinked, "Okaaaay."

She sat down and immersed herself in a book, obliviously.

"Prostitutes?" Ray hissed at Dewey. "Why would we be talking about prostitutes?"

"I panicked!" She mouthed back, "You said magic cheese!"

"It exists!"

"And prostitutes don't?"

"Ugh- nevermind, I gotta go," Ray stood, standing awkwardly for a moment before leaving without another word.

The rest of the Slytherins at the table simultaneously turned to glare at them, a Gryffindor and a Hufflepuff sitting there with no Slytherin.

"Let's get outta here Pip," Dewey murmured, pulling the dazed girl from her seat.

She thought over her conversation with Ray.

This was not good.

No, this was not good at all.

A/N- kind of a shocker, huh? I figured, 'hey, these characters obnoxiously complex, why not make tone of them go re-enter the closet, never to return!'

Because Ray loves Pippin. Weird, huh? Don't worry, I didn't see it coming either.

**IMPORTANT**

9/11/01

Never Forget.

(I don't care if it goddamn offends you that I put that there, I'm gonna mourn my freaking people, mmkay?)