Chapter 9
Where I love you
I didn't fight fog this time. Johanna and Annie wanted me to stay with them, but I pretended to feel better and left for my own dark room. I sat down with a huge bottle of the capital's watermelon vodka and I waited for the door to open or the phone to ring. I could not imagine what nightmare could pull Haymitch Abernathy back into capital depravity.
I worried that he'd grown ill with it and what all this really meant was that my little tame adoration for him wasn't enough. Johanna had said things to me, thinking she was helping. I worried that he could no longer be satisfied by my lack of knowledge. I was a novelty that had worn thin. I worried that his trip here made my burned, pathetic ugly body, be seen for the disappointment it must be. He had spent more years than I had been alive being wined and dined into things I didn't even understand. I couldn't even comprehend some of the things Finnick had once alluded to.
These people with their body dye and own view of perfection, made me feel like I could never really compete. This was what he knew. Not the flesh of a plain girl, burnt to hideous and mentally damaged beyond repair. I could not really hope to keep him. I was an idiot for not realizing that he had only wanted to help me out of pity.
I had nodded off or passed out when he returned. I smelled the shower and rose to go to the bathroom to check on him. The door is locked. I knock.
"Go back to bed sweetheart. I may be a bit." I can hear the stress in his voice.
"Haymitch. Let me in. Please Hay. Are you ok?" I say softly already gauging how I was going to get through this stupid door.
"Go away Katniss. I need some time. Just go away." He responds.
"I am not going away. I am coming in there." Already backing up, I run at the door and kick it as hard as I can. I kick it again right by the lock, feeling it begin to give. The third time, despite his frantic protests, the door swings open with such force it bangs the wall and shivers on a return arch. I hold my arm out to catch it. Barely a step in the door, the smell of blood and bowel assault my nose over the spicy scent of the shower.
The toilet is filled with blood and there is a trail all the way into the shower. I don't want to know where it issues from. I put my hand on the shower door and brace myself to see what is behind it. "If you ever loved me sweetheart, please turn around. I don't want you to see me." His voice is low and resigned.
"You never left me Haymitch. You saw me. If you ever cared for me in any way, please let me help?" I can't stand the quaver in my voice, but I swallow and open the door.
He huddles in the corner of the shower; face blank until he meets my eyes. He looks at me as if I have betrayed him and he drops his head to his arms. I take a deep breath as I take in the sight.
He bleeds and now I understand why he doesn't want me to know. Someone or something has ripped him apart and he is unable to stand for me to see him as weak and helpless as I have been. I arrange my face; carefully hiding my horror behind the same gentle mask I have seen him wear with me. I take a washcloth and very softly begin to bathe him, ignoring the blood and the ligature marks around his wrists, ignoring the burns I can see glaring in hideous red against his skin. When he does not protest I simply sit down in the blood and gore and hold him, whispering love and kissing him as he sobs.
The warm water washes away much of the evidence of his torture. Eventually he lets me stand him up and I help him into a robe then fix him a drink, give him three of my pain pills and follow him down to bed. I sing to him until he sleeps as I remain awake, waiting for the darkness to fade and trying to decide what I am going to do to whoever had done this evil thing to my last love.
He awakes with a jerk then groans in pain. He paws at my face. "Katniss. Katniss are you awake sweetheart."
I kiss his face and look at him. "I'm still here you brainless old fool. This will not occur ever again. Do you understand me sweetheart? Never again."
He winces as he lies back down, adjusting his pillows to take his weight off of me. "Katniss, this is my life. It isn't all like this. I am fine."
"Really. Fine huh? So you would be ok with me coming home leaving a trail of blood and gore all over the bathroom. Just because you don't want to…be in love with me any more. Doesn't mean I will put up with this. I am nuts right? Free pass to kill things." I say in irritation.
"Not exactly a free pass. Guess what my obligation entailed. Your trial was a nightmare. The gift that keeps on giving." He said grimly.
"Haymitch. I don't care. You are not the only one with friends. I will find out who and I will kill them. They can do anything they want to me, I will just evaporate and not know, I will kill anyone who hurts you."
"Great then you would be again arrested, tried for trumped up war crimes and unable to plea insanity this time. This is nothing. I am a big boy Sweetheart."
"So tell me, is sweetheart that word you use for all the ones you feel obligated to? Finnick used to say sugar and honey. Enobaria says sweetmeat. I need to know things about this without you being mad. Is there any hope that we can be…can I be enough or is it all …have they ruined you? Johanna says she is ruined. She can't be pleased by normal things any more. If there was something I could learn that would please you….I would. I would let them enhance me if you want it….Does sweetheart mean that I don't matter Hay?" I don't know what I am saying, but I am desperate for information. We had our world and then we came here and it had stopped being fun almost at once.
Fun was home, waking up to burnt toast and gruesome oatmeal and his eyes filled with light and hope. Fun was taking a shower and him washing my hair until my scalp screamed enough. This trip was fun like the hunger games and toothaches.
"Of course you matter. More than anything."
"Then,We go home." I whisper.
"I can't."
"I will make you take me. I will scream and act insane. I will embarrass you until we go home." I say trying to tease him and make him smile.
"I would know and you won't fool me." He looks at me like I am slipping.
"but – just like Always, I can fool them. Lets just go. Make your excuses. Tell them the excitement was too much and due to my terrible near breakdown, you have to leave for my health." I whisper. I drool and cross an eye. I stick out my tongue and start singing the hanging tree out of tune and off beat.
Finally he laughs. "You never look like that sweetheart. Except when I make love to you!"
Without thinking I slap him on the shoulder. The sharp intake of his breath sends shivers of sympathy pain down my spine. Apologies erupt from me. He leans back laughing. My face grows serious. I carefully pull the robe to open it. He stops my hands and shakes his head. I use his angry deadpan voice. "You will open this robe this instant or I will chain you next time. I swear on my word Abernathy."
Anger sparks in his eyes, then a resolved grin. Tenderly my hands push open the white cloth and view the things they did to him. His throat is circled with blue bruised string marks, some raw, some just bleeding. They had garroted him. Tears rose as I realized they could have gone too far and killed him. His wrists and ankles are similar condition and when I see the same treatment has been done to his private area, I have to be cautious that my reaction does not hurt him. He studies me as my eyes take in the story of what they find charming and romantic in this place still so infested with underground hate.
"They whipped you. Why did they burn you?"
"For the screams." He admits with such calm dignity. I can only nod.
"And these holes?"
He takes in his breath and rubs them as if they don't matter. "Suspension hooks, piercing. Simple pain, power and control Katniss. None of it matters." He kisses my hand.
"Haymitch, are you always the one who hurts? Do you hurt them sometimes?" I shudder asking him this question.
I see in his eyes he considers telling me a lie. The gray eyes drop and a bitter smile comes to his face. "Yes, I hurt them too Katniss, but you have to believe me that I would never do these things to you." His face is unswerving and anxious.
"I believe you. Are you broken with this?" I say warily.
His eyes narrow. "What are you asking Katniss?"
I try to figure out how to phrase this. "Johanna was sold for ten years. She says she needs some of those things now. Normal things don't make her happy all the time. She says she is broken. You have done this for longer. Could you live forever without any of these things occurring again?"
His eyes shift to the window. "I don't know. Why do you want to know."
I wait for him to look at me. " These are the sorts of things he would have done to me, aren't they. These are the things he made the Peeta Mutt for. This is what you protect me from, isn't it?"
He is silent. Finally he nods.
"You are taking my place somehow aren't you? That's why you didn't say no? He isn't just in Peeta. He's not dead." I whisper.
"You have always been able to do this. The only time you missed it was over the Quell. Katniss, I will do what I must to protect you. I am sorry. This is why I can't marry you. Never mind the horror. It isn't just you. It is Annie, and Johanna. Your friends. It is little Finn too. In the big picture, this is almost normal for me. So be it. It will lead me to them. I can't fail. I don't even think Gale could protect you. Don't worry, I will find them and I will stop this. ."
I look at him. "You don't have to go through this to find them. First rule of hunting a predator, offer it easy prey and let it come to you. You dig into the den of Mutts Haymitch, they will turn you or kill you. Don't be the easy prey."
He gives me a scathing snarl. "Are you suggesting I use you for bait? I will meet you in hell with that idea little girl."
I shiver at what I know I am about to do. "Not suggesting. Either you play my game, or I will play, this time with no mentor."
"I will have you committed before I agree to that Katniss." He wears his deadly victor smile. His gray eyes have hardened. "I will do this my way and you will not interfere."
Poor Haymitch. I look at him fiercely, and then pretend to let my face become afraid. I breathe deeply and clasp his hand in panic. "Oh no…" I say softly. He can't leave me alone if I am slipping.
It dawns on him what is happening. "No sweetheart. Stay with me." I see the sorrow fill his face and I almost can't pretend something so cruel, but I know he will fight me tooth and claw. I let my face fill with blankness. He springs to action, kissing me and begging me to fight. I let a real tear fall for him then I stop responding. I hum the hanging tree song as I rock in my own world. He takes me in his arms and I know his tears are real, and it matters that he cries. But, Haymitch doesn't know I know.
I look up and Finnick is leaning over me glaring. "Not a very nice way to play him Katniss."
Startled I sit up and reach out to him. "Finnick I am sorry…" I know my ghosts are real, but the timing couldn't have been better. Haymitch sighed, resolved that I was lost in a spell again.
Haymitch stands and stiffly fixes himself a drink. He glances at me and pours a second glass. With a sigh he hands it to me as I chatter to Finnick.
"You Know Sugar, you can be one psycho bird. You are killing him inside and you know it. Another sacrifice in your battle? You think you can finish it, if I help you this time? Snow, I mean, think you have already bagged poor ole Abernathy." Finnick is mad at me. He circles Haymitch as he talks.
"Are you going to help me Finnick?" I say smiling at him.
He twirls his trident like a baton. "Sure. I will help you Katniss. I have to. You know what the Peeta mutt did to my Annie don't you? He made her listen. Your bomb didn't finish me. Nice try but til you kill Snow – we have business Dollbaby. Haymitch dies; they will come for her too. Lanus will kill you and Haymitch if I don't help you. Then he or one of his creatures will go to four to get Annie and Johanna. They are not fooled by Haymitch. They have figured out that that he's snooping."
"They know? That means he's in danger Finn?" I look at Haymitch who is watching me bored and annoyed.
Most of the day is spent with me talking to Finn. Haymitch answers the door, admitting no visitor. He sops up the gore in the bathroom. I wonder what the cleaning people will think of the pile of bloody towels. By afternoon, he is walking better and probably only I would notice the stiffness in his steps. He drinks and sighs and curses.
Haymitch is at the phone. "I have to. Goddammit she's slipped away again. I shouldn't have brought her here. How do you think she took it? Yes, that would be helpful if she were not in the middle of thinking she is talking to the woman's dead husband. Do I sound like I am joking? Katniss, what is Odair wearing?"
"I can't believe how many cloths your wearing Finn. Cinna should have been your stylist all along. You should have dressed like this when you were alive. You look handsome. It was hard to notice when there was so dang much of you that had to be avoided."
Cinna beams at Finnick. He seems to slide out from a curtian and sits elegantly on the pale green velvet couch. "I told you that too much could be...too much Finn. In you case not enough was too much."
"Cinna, he lookes elegant. Like a God from the sea with no kitchy net stuff." I say knowing Cinna's quiet fashion hand enough to see he's made a splash with understated drama rather than in your face screaming color.
"Evidently he isn't in the net get up. Katniss just complemented him on his afterlife attire and I believe it is designed by someone we know . I don't know, holy raiment of some sort I would imagine. Shut up. Yeah, well Mine will have to be fireproof wouldn't it. No, is it really of value to you to be concerned with this? I don't know what he is wearing and I can't imagine why you think this is so amusing. As soon as I can figure something out. No, this isn't." Haymitch slams down the phone.
Finnick grinned watching Haymitch. He stood behind Haymitch pretending to hump him and I giggled. He whipped his trident around like he was on stage. "You're next sugar!" He said to me all flirty.
"I am offended. I thought I was your favorite?" Cinna says with fake hurt.
"Please, I wasn't your type alive. Good to know Dead didn't improve you propriety any Finn. Cinna, you guys need to quit playing and help me figure out what to do about this mess. "
He grinned his most winning Finnick smile. "Yeah, no wonder you never hit on me. Just like Haymitch, always to busy with getting yourself into trouble. To bad I won't get to pucker up with age, turn exquisitely hateful and feed my stubborn streak a little Capital Growth Hormone. Then you'd like me." He glances at Haymitch then me meaningfully.
"Stop. You don't have to do that. Not with me."
"Who else? You're the only one who can see me Katniss. Except for him. Why are you here with me, Cinna? What holds you."
"Several of us wait for her Finn. The other's are near, but they are not used to being seen. They wait." Cinna says quietly.
"Have you seen little Finny?" I smiled. "If I ever wanted babies, you make pretty ones." I touched his shoulder, feeling the hair rise on my arm where he is.
"I never got to hold him Katniss. Not once. I don't know what he smells like. I won't be there to teach him to fish. Who will teach him to weave a proper net? Mags would have taught him to sail. I can't find her. I want to know the way my boy smells, just one time." Finnick looks so sad.
"He smells a little like you and Haymitch mixed together. He smells of the sea Finnick, with a little vomit."
He shakes his head. "I'd kiss you If I still had lips."
"I'll be there soon enough. Hold one for me." I say quietly.
Cinna looks away from me. He seems embarassed, that he has spoken so freely.
"Then you know why I am here?" He is again the Finnick who is true. The Finnick I watched in the tunnel. The hero, sighs sadly, the clown has blinked away.
"I do know. I am breaking once and for all aren't I? That is what you are both saying? So, I really have no hope of helping?"
"Girl on fire, but you are burning out. What you want to do with that is the only question." Cinna looks at me with pity. "You probably won't be without him for long you know." He touches Haymitch's cheek and then to my shock he kisses him as if he is the older of the two and Haymitch needs his booboos fixed.
Haymitch seems a little goosed and takes a step back with a shiver. "Katniss, you are giving me the heebie-jeebies. Have a drink." Then under his breath "Then shut the hell up."
I do what he asks. I guzzle down his offered liquor with greed, then realize my mistake. I look up at Haymitch in horror. He smiles with that knowing smile. That Haymitch won smile. "Sleep well. Sweetheart."
"No please. Stay with me Hay. I am afraid. Cinna, Finn, Help me." I feel the syrup working, wondering if I have time to throw it up, knowing how fast it works.
"That's alright, you have Finnick with you. Maybe Cinna too by the sound – you can confer with them and invite all the fashionable dead to a Monstrous party. Beings you can talk to them. I will be back in the morning. Do not wander, I am locking this door." He kisses me and smoothes my hair as I strain against the darkness and try it hold onto him.