I put my tray down and went to the courtyard. In the reflection of the outlining windows I could see myself. I had gained weight. Who would want to sit at a lunch table with a fat person? It was always my fault. I could never keep friends or boyfriends because I was fat. I could see it all now. ALL of my problems came from my outward appearance. I was so disgusting… gross even. I needed to barf. I needed to lose this weight. My thoughts went to how to go about it. Maybe I could sneak into the bathroom just once… I knew I couldn't. The nurses and Tami would be so upset with me. I would be letting everyone down. But it hurt. My whole body hurt. I could no longer control it.

Tami was looking for me. I knew it. She probably already checked my room it was safe. I had a shower this morning and I left the cabinet with my razor open. Tami usually went to lock it but she's been looking for me. Maybe there's a chance she forgot. I made my way through the hallways of the TC, heavily breathing. I needed to release this pain. I made it to my room and voila the cabinet was open. There was my 3-bladed razor. My body knew what was next and my mind told me it was 'the right thing to do'. I removed a blade and found my deepest scar. The scar was from my first big breakup. He was the guy who I had given up everything for. The guy I dated when I was being bullied. But he broke my heart.

FLASHBACK

I noticed Jason was acting weird lately. His kisses became shorter and his distance became wider. His older brother made friends with a new girl Laura. Laura and Jason had seemed to get along very well recently. I found that he had ditched me a few times to go out with his brother and his brother's friends. He used to invite me. But now it was different. I begged him to come see me because I missed him so much. I was no longer at school and had barely any interaction with people my age anymore. I was watching outside my window for him, waiting for him to walk up the pathway to my house. I was waiting for what seemed months when I saw a red ford escort pull up in front of my house. I then saw Jason get out of the passenger seat. I was confused. Jason's mom didn't drive that kind of car, I wondered who was driving. As I walked to the door to greet him, I saw her. She was platinum blonde with golden sun-kissed skin. She was turned away, most likely because I was watching her.

"Jason, is that…"

"Demi, you know that I loved you."

"Wait, loved?"

"But I just can't right now, with all you're going through." With all I'm going through? I wouldn't even be in this place right now if it wasn't for him wanting me to put that picture up of us cuddling. It was him who said that people were just jealous because we had found love. At this moment I could make out the girl more clearly. She was obviously older with features that made her appear more attractive that happen naturally with maturation, but what the feature that struck out most was her size. Her arms were bones. She was CRAZY thin. At this point I was restricting my eating and had lost 15 pounds. But I would have to lose 50 to look as thin as her. Jason saw me staring at Sara, and said,

"Don't blame her. It isn't her fault that her and I fell in love. I know it may hurt you but…" In love? I thought… wait we were in… was it just me? Was I the only one in love? Tears began to stream down my face. He didn't look sorry. He brushed my shoulder than got back into her car.

I had cut before. A couple of times. Once when I was just trying it out, and for a while after I left school. But I knew this time would be different as I grabbed my razor. I cut, and cut and cut. I started getting fancy with the placement. Trying to make them look like accidents, but they were obvious fresh cuts. It started to feel like a game until I really took home. I cut so deep that I cried out from the intense pain. So much blood protruded from my wrist I thought I was going to die. I promised from then on I would turn my pain into music. A promise I couldn't keep for long.

Tami came in and found me. She quickly took the blade from my hands and swept back my hair. I hadn't managed to pierce my skin yet with the blade. There was just a white mark left on my skin that quickly faded away.

"There is a call for you in the main office, but I was going to let you take in her in your room." My parents never called out of the blue. They waited for me every night to call them at 7:00pm. I wondered who it could be as I picked up the phone.

"Hello?" I said.

"Demi?" I heard from the other line.

"Selena?"