I walked him out the door. I had to tighten every muscle in my body in order to not breakdown. If I wanted to be friends with him again, I couldn't let him no how much this hurt me. As his car pulled out of my driveway he put up a hand to say goodbye. I though this was the last time I'd ever see him. My family was out of town for Maddie's filming of Desperate Housewives, so I was home alone. I went in the house shut the door and started feeling dizzy. I couldn't keep myself up much longer. He was just a guy. Just a guy! I started desperately trying to console myself because I knew exactly where this was going. I had been here many times. And once you get to this state there is no pulling yourself out of it.

I went up stairs and sat in my chair in my room. It had started. Tears became to fall, my chest closed in tighter and tighter. I could barely breathe; every piece of energy I had was being put forward to crying. I hated myself. Flashbacks to every issue I ever had were brought to my eyes. Every flaw I had came into focus. I was a horrible, horrible person. How could I think that Joe would have felt the same way? I no longer wanted to live. My state of depression pulled me in like a black hole and there was only one way to rid of it. After crying for twenty minutes, I went into my bathroom, took my razor from the shower. I pushed out the blades very carefully. I nipped my finger on one of them probably because my vision was so blurred from my tears. I wiped my eyes. I no longer needed to cry. I pulled apart the blades and slowly glided the razor against my skin. A tingling burning sensation started in my skin. A little trickle of blood started to flow. It wasn't enough though. I needed more. I began to slide the blade against my skin quickly now. The blood began to trickle out faster and became more and more. I was satisfied. My chest turned back. My heart began to beat again. My breathing returned. I honestly felt fine. I was tired so I went to bed. Once again I was sleeping with a puddle of tears on my pillow.

Ding-dong. I was rushed into the real world. How long had I been sleeping? I looked down at my wrist. It was not a pretty sight. I went to wash it off and put on some rubber bracelets to cover my marks. I made my way downstairs to get the door. Through the glass of the door I could make out a young man in a tux carrying a bouquet of red roses. I smiled so big that I felt my skin pull. I opened the door.

"Hey Demz," Joe said with a wink. I jumped into his arms and he held me tight. I have never felt so at home than here in his arms. He pulled back and smiled at me. Oh crap! I didn't have any makeup on, and I had been crying all night. I didn't even want to imagine what I looked like.

"Oh god, I probably look like crap. I just woke up," I said while backing up from him. He laughed and pulled me back into his arms and whispered in my ear,

"You look flawless."

I looked up at Dr. Gearing. I was in tears. My heart had felt that pain many times before and many times after, but I never had someone save me. I made Joe out to be my prince charming, but not even a prince could save me from this disease. I felt hopeless and embarrassed that I let one person take so much out of me. Dr. Gearing smiled. In the corner of her eye I saw something glimmer. Was she crying? I had told her many stories, but she never once cried before. My issues always hurt other people. This is why I had to hide them. I started reconstructing my battlefield around myself.

"Demi, that is what we like to call the switch from depression to mania. It can be caused by anything. A relationship, a family member, someone dying, or it can occur from absolutely nothing. Even now that you have medicine there will still be times where to hit rock bottom, but you have to find a way to pick yourself back up. Because if you let someone else pick you up…"

"If someone picks me up, they can also drop me." I said boldly.

"Exactly. There are many strategies that you can take on to prevent this from hurting. Strategies that we will find and work on together. " I nodded at her words.

"For Christmas we are going to let you and your family go out for the day to spend time together." My heart raced at the thought of seeing my family again and to finally leave this building for the first time in a month. But the more and more I thought about it, I didn't want to leave. What if someone sees me? My emotions are whack. What if I end up crying in public? And Maddie. I was taking away her Christmas. She deserved a big family gathering around the Christmas tree.

Tami led me out of Dr. Gearing's office. I went to my room and cried. For the first time in my life I had to face all of my issues first hand. It hurt. It was too much. I wish I could go back. But then again there was no time in my life where I was truly happy, so there was no place to go back to. I had to now just look ahead.

"DEMI!" I was jolted awake.

"Demi guess what? Its Christmas Eve! Did you make me one of 'em hats? Did you? Did you?" I looked up at Lauren who was now sitting on my bed. Her eyes were eager with excitement and I couldn't help but laugh. She was adorable.

"I had SOMETHING, but now I'm gonna give it away since you woke me up," I said with a smirk. She put on a pouty face then got up and said

"Well, now that your awake come hang out with me. I'm bored." I got up. Fixed myself then let her lead me out of my room. I rather enjoyed not having to wear makeup, or constantly worry about my appearance. I felt so safe in the Treatment Center. No one could hurt me here.

I followed Lauren into the Dining Hall where we both had a bowl of oatmeal. Lauren started talking about this one girl Corina who had been at the TC for two months now. She was complaining about how Corina was always playing her guitar in the room next to hers. I sat there and smiled at her every word. I was so humored by this girl. She hated on everything, and always complained. But I found it hilarious and always looked forward to her daily rants.

After we both laughed at her imitations of playing a guitar, Lauren sat up and started looking antsy. I smiled at her to give her courage because I could tell that she needed to tell me something. She took a big breath and said'

"Demi… I… umm… I came to talk to you last night, and I… um heard you crying." I began to get nervous. Where was this going? I hoped that she wasn't going to give me a lecture.

"And I was just wondering if you were crying about the same things." I looked up at her relieved. It was good to know that I wasn't the only one crying.

"I mostly cry these days because for the first time in my life I am dealing with the issues and emotions I have always pushed away."

"Yeah, well that's why I'm crying too," Lauren whispered. She put down her spoon and looked up at me. Tears began to rush into both of our eyes, so I opened my arms toward her and she quickly sank in. We hugged for just the right amount of time until we had to go to art class.

"You'll sit by me, right?" Lauren asked with a wink.

"Umm. I don't know how to break this to you but I think I'm gonna sit by Corina today." Lauren began to pout again and I began to laugh so hard at her immaturity. She was so easy to tease!

"Of course, I'll sit by you. Who else are you gonna copy your picture off of Lauren?" She smiled at me.

"Hey! I don't always copy! I just never know what to paint!" We both exchanged laughs and began walking toward the art room. Lauren grabbed my arm and looked at me with fierce eyes and said

"Thank you, Demi." I knew exactly what she was thanking me for. It was our friendship that she was thankful for. But what she didn't know was that I needed her as much as she needed me!

"And thank you," I whispered back.