Disclaimer: I do not own the Scott Pilgrim story or any of the characters mentioned in this story. All original characters and lines belong to Bryan Lee O'Malley. This story is for entertainment purposes only. Any similarity to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
A/N: Sorry this one took so long to get out. Not only is it one of the longest chapters I've written (I'm detecting a bit of a trend here), but it's just been a really busy life for the past few weeks, with my boss taking vacation (thus leaving me in charge). Anyway… hope you all enjoy this chapter. I know it's long, but hey… we're getting close to the end here. And then… I don't know what story I'm going to be doing. But there are a few ideas in the wings… but I digress. Enjoy!
Scott and Ramona's Precious Little Wedding
Chapter 2
"I thought you wanted to hear this story," a distraught Lisa Miller (Status: Worried about her niece) said towards a closed door.
A voice answered from behind it. "Not if it's nothing but the details of Dad's pre-wedding affairs!" Lily Pilgrim (Status: Thoroughly grossed out…) yelled from the other side.
"I promise… we're getting to better stuff," Lisa sighed. "Or at least more fun stuff."
"Fun stuff? What? Did Julie sleep with Dad too?" Lily demanded.
Lisa couldn't help it. She burst out laughing. In a second, the door opened to reveal an angry Lily Pilgrim.
"What? What's so funny?" she asked.
"I can promise you…" Lisa said between laughing spasms, "THAT didn't happen."
…
"I still don't understand why you're marrying that jerk," Julie Powers (Age: 26, Status: Just an unusually angry young woman… and that's me being nice) said.
"Why do you even care?" Ramona asked as she roller bladed along next to Julie. She had just gotten off work and was leaving the Second Cup with, ironically, her second cup of coffee for the day when Julie had appeared, apparently getting off of her shift.
"You're my friend Ramona… I care," Julie said sincerely. "And I know ALL about that womanizing jerk."
"He's past all of that," Ramona said with a smile.
"Uh huh," Julie sounded unconvinced, but she allowed the subject to close (Ramona Flowers Note: For once). "So… big bachelorette party coming up. Who do you have planning it?"
"I thought it was the responsibility of the Maid of Honor," Ramona said with a confused look. "That would be Kim."
"Kim?" Julie said, seemingly hurt. "You're gonna let KIM plan your party?"
"Well… yeah?" Ramona stammered.
Julie let out a huge sigh. "Ramona… you and I both know that I'm more qualified to plan your bachelorette party than Kim Pine. Hell… with her in charge, we'll probably just end up scrap booking all night. How about you just let me take care of this?"
"But…" Ramona started.
"C'mon Ramona… I'm not doing anything else for this wedding. The LEAST I can do is plan you a party. I've got SO many good ideas for it," Julie pleaded (Lily Pilgrim Note: I wasn't aware Julie COULD plead…).
Ramona thought for a moment. If the party was planned by Julie, it WOULD probably allow Kim to relax for the night, instead of busily trying to keep everything together. And a relaxed Kim would be a much happier Kim the next day.
"Oh what the hell," Ramona sighed. "Yes… you can plan my bachelorette party, but on ONE condition… NO strippers."
Julie scoffed. "Please… what do you think I am? An amateur?" She quickly walked away, presumably to begin the planning of one of the most epic bachelorette parties in Canadian history (Ramona Flowers Note: God what have I done?).
…
"Umm… please tell me there were no strippers," Lily said.
Lisa smiled. "We say a lot of things about your Julie, I know, but there's one thing she never has been… she's never been a liar. No… there were no strippers at your mother's bachelorette party. It was awkward… but there was no nudity (ApellaZant Note: Good thing too… otherwise, this would be an M rated story)."
…
A short time later, Ramona was sitting in her dining room, just looking at the ground. In just 2 days, she'd be getting married. It was something that she'd never even imagined for herself. Hell… just a few years ago, she'd run away from Scott, not wanting to get tied down. But she felt differently now. Scott had faced her past and had barely flinched. She didn't have to run from it anymore, because with Scott by her side, it didn't matter anymore.
Her cell phone rang, breaking her out of her thoughts. She quickly took it out of her subspace purse and flipped it open. "Hello?"
"Hey Rammy!" Scott's voice rang from the other side.
"Scott?" Ramona asked. "How are you calling me?" she continued as she looked at her phone in disbelief. Scott's usual method of communication was HER phone.
"I borrowed a phone from my best man… who I just picked out right now!" Scott sounded extremely proud of himself.
Ramona smiled. "That's good. Who did you pick out?"
"Wallace, of course," Scott said.
"Good. I'm sure he's thrilled," Ramona answered. "So… I wanted to talk to you about this thing…"
Silence from the other end.
"Scott?" Ramona ventured.
"Oh… sorry. I'm playing Sonic the Hedgehog. What's up?"
"Scott… what do you want to do about vows?" Ramona asked. Again, the words coming out of her mouth felt almost foreign.
"Vows?" Scott asked.
"Yeah… you know… the promises we're going to make each other at the wedding?" Ramona replied. "What do you want to do for them?"
More silence.
"Scott… pause the game," Ramona monotoned.
She heard the music in the background stop before Scott spoke again.
"What do you mean?" Scott said.
"I mean… do we want to do our own? Do we want to use the ones that are already written? What do we want to do?" Ramona said.
More silence.
"Scott?" Ramona prodded.
"I guess… let's do our own?" Scott answered.
"Okay," Ramona said. "And one more thing that I need you to pass on to Wallace."
"What's that?"
"No strippers," she commanded.
…
Kim Pine and Lisa Miller sat in the middle of Kim's empty living room. She'd ordered her furniture from her parent's house to be delivered, but even when that came, it wouldn't fill the living room. Unfortunately though, the wedding had put all of her furniture shopping plans on hold.
"I still can't believe that Scott Pilgrim is getting married," Lisa said as she shifted her weight on the pillow Kim had given her to sit on.
"I can. You haven't been around hearing them for the last year and a half," Kim lamented.
Lisa looked around the living room and smiled. "Hey… you remember that club that Scott got us to join when we were at St. Joel's?"
"The Nothing Club?" Kim asked.
"Yeah… kind of reminds me of this house," Lisa teased.
Kim smacked Lisa in the shoulder. "That's not funny."
"Yeah it is," Lisa said with a smile.
"Look who's talking, Ms. Big Time Hollywood Waitress!" Kim retorted.
"Now that was below the belt," Lisa smirked.
Lisa pulled the pillow out from under herself and bopped Kim in the head with it. Before Kim could retaliate, there was a knock at the door. Kim looked towards the front of the house, confused, before getting up and walking to the door. When she opened it, she found Julie Powers on the other side (Julie Powers: In Full Party Planning Mode).
"Wow… nice place, Kim," Julie said sarcastically as she gave the living room a look-over, walking in past Kim.
"Thanks," Kim muttered. "What are you doing here Julie?"
"I'm here to talk about the bachelorette party plans with you," Julie said, matter-of-factly.
"I thought that was up to the maid of honor," Lisa said.
"Not in THIS wedding. Ramona said I could do it," Julie smiled (Kim Pine Note: Wow… kind of creepy when she smiles).
"Alright. What do you need from us?" Kim asked, knowing this fight wasn't worth having. Besides, it would let her relax to not have to worry about everything AND the bachelorette party.
"How many girls will be here?" Julie asked.
"Let's see… me and Lisa of course," Kim ticked off in her head. "Then there's Stacey. Knives is coming in from university tomorrow, so she should be here. And I guess you."
Julie thought for a moment. "That's five. Not QUITE enough for what I had in mind, but I'll make it work," she said.
"What exactly do you have in mind?" asked Lisa, more than a little worried.
"Don't worry about that. Just be at this address tomorrow night at 6. I'll have everything else taken care of!" Julie said as she handed a slip of paper to Kim. Then she quickly whirled around and left, not even bothering to close the door.
Kim pushed the door closed and turned to Lisa. "Wow… what on earth did Ramona do?"
…
"I cry foul!" Wallace yelled. "What other bride in the history of weddings has EVER gotten to dictate what her fiancé's bachelor party consisted of?"
Scott Pilgrim (Less than 48 hours from being married… scary) sat on his best man Wallace's tan couch. Wallace was busily pacing around the room, trying to make sense of (Apparently) having his big bachelor party plans dashed by the bride to be. Then, Neil Nordegraf (Groomsman #1, Largely due to relationship with groom's sister) and Stephen Stills (Groomsman #2… because he's awesome) walked into the room.
"Hey guys… what's up?" Neil said as he sat down next to Scott.
"A hostile takeover of our bachelor party, that's what!" Wallace said as he continued to pace.
"Wow… what happened?" Stephen Stills said as he sat down on the other side of Scott, keeping his voice low to avoid upsetting Wallace any more.
"Rammy said we couldn't have strippers at my bachelor party tomorrow night," Scott whispered back.
"So?" Stephen Stills responded. "Makes perfect sense to me. Why would we want strippers anyway?"
Scott shrugged his shoulders as Wallace turned towards them. "It's not so much that we want strippers. It's that the bride isn't supposed to dictate what happens at the bachelor party. I had an evening of good, wholesome entertainment planned, but now all I can think about is strippers (Lisa Miller Note: Which is odd for several good reasons…)." Then, Wallace thought for a moment. "Did she specify that both genders of stippers were forbidden?"
Scott made a disgusted face. "Why would you even think that?" he demanded.
Wallace shrugged.
"So what DID you have planned?" Neil asked.
Wallace paused. "I didn't… actually have a plan. I figured we'd just drink and see where the night took us."
"Somehow, I don't think that's what Ramona had in mind either," Stephen Stills replied.
"How about we just do what we always used to do?" Neil ventured.
"What? Play Bomberman?" Scott said.
"Yeah," Neil's eyes sparkled a little bit.
The four men looked at each other.
"Sounds good to me," Wallace said with a shrug. "As long as there's still alcohol."
Stephen Stills grinned. "Do you know any other way to play Bomberman?"
…
The rehearsal dinner was held at Herrera's Fine Dining (We Also Cater!). During the day, Knives Chau (sophomore at University, Communications Major, No longer a Scott-a-holic) had arrived (Lisa Miller Note: Sorry... I wasn't there for that, and never got the chance to ask...). While she helped Julie set up for the bachelorette party (Lisa Miller Note: Which we still knew absolutely NOTHING about… should have been the first warning…), everyone else enjoyed their meal. Scott's parents finally met Ramona's dad, and everyone had a wonderful time sharing stories of their children's exploits.
Ramona and Scott sat at the table together. As they laughed and ate, the wedding photographer knelt down on one knee in front of them and snapped off a picture. He stood up and prepared for another one, but Scott stopped him.
"Hey man… thanks for being our photographer… Mr…" he trailed off, not remembering the man's name.
The photographer lowered his camera, revealing handsome features. He had glasses on, with brown hair down just past his chin. As Scott and Ramona both looked at him expectantly, he smiled. "Williams. My name is Sean Williams."
…
"WHAT?" Lily almost jumped out of her seat.
"Oh… I didn't even realize until just now… that was Sean. Huh," Lisa said as she looked around.
"Sean was at their wedding and they didn't remember him?" Lily demanded.
"Well honey… when you're at a wedding, it's all kind of a blur," Lisa soothed.
…
"Well thank you for being our photographer, Sean," Ramona said. "I was really worried we weren't going to get someone in time, but you really came through."
"Don't mention it," Sean said with a smile.
The dinner was almost over when Knives returned. She quickly moved through the room and found Kim and Lisa talking to Mr. Flowers.
"Hey guys," she smiled as she walked up to the group. "Umm… it's time to go finish getting set up."
Ramona's father stopped her short. "Hello Knives… it's been a while since we've seen you. I still don't understand why Ramona didn't choose you to be one of her bridesmaids."
"I'd probably say it had something to do with the fact I dated her fiancé," Knives replied. "Not that she doesn't trust me or anything, but I'd be weirded out too if one of the girls standing up there with me had kissed my future husband."
Kim shut her eyes tightly. That hurt a little bit. "I thought you guys were doing the set up," she said after a moment, a look of confusion on her face.
"Yeah… about that…" Knives bit her lip as she glanced between them. "Julie wants us all in costume before Ramona shows up."
"I KNEW IT! She's planned a costume party… what is it this time? Animals who are really William Shatner in a costume? (Lisa Miller Note: William Shatner is a famous actor from Montreal... I think)(Lily Pilgrim Note: If you say so…)" Kim threw up her hands.
"I'm afraid it's a little worse than that. You'll have to see it to believe it," Knives said as she started back out into the street. Kim and Lisa looked at each other.
"How much worse could it be?" Lisa asked innocently.
…
"This is just downright distasteful," Kim said in disgust.
The room everyone was standing in was a perfectly fine room. It looked like a warehouse that Julie and Knives had decorated with all sorts of bachelorette decorum, from streamers that said 'Bride to Be' to balloons littering the floor and hanging from the rafters. Above those rafters, there was a glass skylight that allowed everyone to see the stars circling overhead.
But it wasn't the décor Kim had a problem with. It was her outfit. She stood in the middle of the room with a black t-shirt and blue jeans, a skateboard in her hand and a brown wig covering her hair (Kim Pine Note: Only Julie could come up with something this twisted…).
"Look, it's the best idea I had," Julie said, walking up to Kim. She was dressed in a black jumpsuit with a white sun across the chest and back. She even had a short black wig on. "Why not remind Ramona of all the trials she had to go through with that jerk?"
"Because it's sick and twisted?" Scott's sister Stacey said as she walked out of the bathroom. She was dressed in a red and black striped shirt with a dusty tan jacket. Her hair was slicked down in front of her face and it looked as though she'd put on more eyeliner than would EVER be necessary.
"My thoughts exactly," Kim said through her teeth.
"She put me in charge, so it's my way or the highway!" Julie said.
"I'm tempted to go on the highway, Julie," Knives said. She wore a platinum blonde wig that was styled straight up. The rest of her outfit was simple. Just a white t-shirt and pants.
"There's no way Ramona's going to enjoy this!" Kim yelled.
"How would you know?" Julie said.
"BECAUSE I'M NOT BRAIN DEAD!" was Kim's response.
"Guys! We're out of time! I can see her coming!" Lisa yelled from a catwalk near the window. She was decked out in much the same way as everyone else, a black shirt over a black skirt, with a matching hoodie. Her blonde hair was pulled into two pigtails on either side of her head, and black eye makeup was smudged underneath her eyes.
"See? No time to change now!" Julie said defiantly.
Kim growled something else under her breath, but went to her position in the shadows. In a few short moment, the front door opened and Ramona Flowers (Status: Creeped Out… and Wondering why she put Julie in charge of this) walked in.
"Hello?" Ramona called as she slowly made her way into the building. She reached a spot in the middle of the room where the light from the skylight and a few of the overhead lights caused a circle of brightness.
"The future Mrs. Pilgrim!" Julie's voice boomed from the shadows.
Ramona whirled around, getting very nervous now. "Mrs. Flowers-Pilgrim," she muttered under her breath as she strained her eyes to see into the darkness.
"Oh… right," Julie's voice came again from the shadows, but wasn't nearly as intimidating this time. She cleared her throat and the scary voice came back. "The future Mrs. Flowers-Pilgrim! We are here to remind you of why you're getting married to the biggest jerk living!"
Ramona turned as Stacey Pilgrim walked out of the shadows (Name: Stacey Pilgrim, Status: Dressed as Matthew Patel and horribly embarrassed by this whole thing!). Ramona's eyes went wide and her jaw dropped. But she wasn't given too much time to think about it. In just a moment, Kim Pine (Status: Dressed as Lucas Lee… wouldn't mind smacking Julie with this skateboard right now…) walked out and joined Stacey. Seconds later, Knives Chau (Status: Dressed as Todd Ingram… no… she is not vegan) walked out as well.
"Wha… wha…" Ramona stammered.
The parade wasn't over. Lisa Miller (Status: Dressed as Roxanne Richter… looking pretty good in it too, if I do say so myself) strolled out into the light. Finally, Julie Powers (Status: Dressed as Ken Katayanagi… or it is Kyle? I never could keep those straight) sauntered into the middle of the room.
The girls stood there for a while as Ramona just stared at them. After a moment, Ramona shook her head and put her hands on her hips.
"Wow Julie… this is just… distasteful," she half smiled.
"I TOLD YOU!" yelled Kim.
…
Scott and Stephen Stills were the last two standing. Scott's character picked up a bomb and hurled it at Stephen Stills', but he dodged at the last possible second. The blast shook the screen, but did no damage. Then, it was Scott's turn to dodge, as Stephen Stills' character chucked a bomb of his own. He wasn't quite so lucky though, zigging when he should have zagged and taking the brunt of the blast to the face. The screen shook again as Scott's character fell.
"Man!" Scott yelled (Scott Pilgrim: On an uncharacteristic losing streak).
"Another one bites the dust," Wallace said sarcastically as he took another drink of his margarita.
Scott, Stephen Stills, Wallace and Neil were sitting in the basement of Stephen's house. They were joined in the dingy looking room by Stephen's boyfriend, Joseph, who had been sitting next to Stephen silently since arriving.
"Go again?" Neil asked as he picked up his controller.
"Bet the girls are having a lot more fun…" said Joseph.
Stephen Stills chuckled. "With Julie planning their party? Yeah…"
Wallace suddenly set down his drink. "You know what we should do?" he asked no one in particular.
"We should crash their party!" answered Joseph.
"But we don't know where they are," Scott complained.
"Yes we do. Stacey told me right before she got there," Wallace said, flipping out his phone.
"Wait… she told you but she didn't tell me?" Neil asked, seeming somewhat hurt.
"Get used to it kid," Wallace said with a smile as he stood up. "Got it… let's go!"
...
"I still can't believe we're doing this," Lisa said as she took another sip of her drink. Julie had built a small bar (Lisa Miller Note: Possibly manifesting another of her jobs?) and was serving drinks to the girls as they milled around the room. After the initial outrage of the subject, Ramona had seemed to relax.
"I guess it works. Definitely unique," Kim muttered. Then she smiled and looked at Lisa. "By the way, I've been wondering. How does it feel to dress like a lesbian for the night?"
Lisa poked Kim in the side. "At least I can't be accused of cross dressing."
Kim looked over Lisa's outfit. "I don't know... does that outfit really HAVE a gender?"
"Hard to tell. I assume so," Lisa answered.
Meanwhile, Knives and Ramona were standing near the bar, waiting for a drink from Julie (Julie Powers Note: Even at a party, I'm STILL working? XXXX!).
"So are you really ready for this?" Knives asked Ramona as she leaned against the bar.
"I think so. I mean... it's hard to tell right now," Ramona answered. "Hell... it's harder than I would have ever thought, considering I'm telling the strange female version of one of my ex-boyfriends."
"Must be surreal," Knives lamented.
"To say the least, but hey... it IS a creative party theme," Ramona agreed.
"Of course it is!" Julie yelled from behind the bar. "I came up with it!"
...
Scott and Neil were the first ones to reach the roof of the building. Scott couldn't imagine why the girls were having a bachelorette party in what looked like an abandoned warehouse, but Stephen Stills had simply laughed and said "Julie." As if that was supposed to explain anything.
"Kind of convenient, there being a skylight like this," Neil grunted as he pulled himself up to where he could peer inside (Lisa Miller Note: Despite his past characterization, Neil is NO slouch. At least he wasn't once he started dating Stacey. Transformative power of love?).
"Yeah. Almost like we're supposed to be able to see into this party," Scott agreed as he joined Neil on the edge of the skylight. He wiped some condensation off of the window and peeked in. He could see Ramona standing by the bar, but everyone else was concealed by shadows.
"Well… looks like Joseph was wrong. It doesn't seem like they're having more fun to me," Neil muttered.
"Yeah. This looks just like a Julie party… nothing to do but drink… WAIT!"
Scott had glimpsed something. A blonde pigtail was illuminated by the light. He looked harder. One of the other shadows was holding something that looked remarkably like a skateboard. Finally, a blonde wearing a white shirt and pants walked into the light next to Ramona.
"What the hell? It's the EXES!" Scott exclaimed.
Neil looked again. Yeah… it looked like the exes, but there was something wrong. Something was off about each of them. For one thing, none of them were as big as he remembered, but maybe it was the distance. Plus… there were only 5 of them… in fact, there had been 5 girls invited to Ramona's party.
"Umm… Scott? I don't think…" he started.
"They've come back to try and convince Ramona not to marry me!" Scott was now standing on the roof. He had a crazed look in his eyes.
"Scott… those can't be the…"
"Go get the others Neil… I might need help," Scott demanded as he seemed to be readying himself for something.
"Scott, I'm telling you! Those aren't the…" Neil tried to blurt out but Scott cut him off.
"HEEEEYYYAAAAAHHHH!" Scott jumped up and landed with a thump on the skylight. The glass cracked, but much to Scott's surprise, it didn't break. He had a moment to look at Neil with a confused look before the glass gave way and he fell through all the way to the floor!
Scott found himself looking up at the broken skylight, dust flying all around from him landing on the floor. Ramona leaned over him.
"The fact that you just crashed my party notwithstanding," she said, "are you okay?"
She helped Scott to his feet, and that's when he quickly remembered what he had been doing. He looked around to see the exes closing in, strangely with looks of concern. "Rammy… what's happening? How did they come back?"
Ramona blinked. "How did who come back?"
"The exes… they're back! Don't you see them?"
"Scott… these aren't the exes…" Ramona said slowly, trying to calm her fiancé down.
Scott looked again. There WAS something different about them. The feminine facial features. The shorter stature (except for Roxie… that was pretty close). The lone Katayanagi was wearing glasses. Then realization dawned on his face.
"They're… they're girls," Scott stammered.
"Very observant," the skateboard holding shadow said with biting sarcasm.
"They… they came back as GIRLS!" Scott yelled as he pointed a finger at all of them before looking to the sky. "Oh cruel fate!"
Ramona sighed and put her head in her hands, but Scott quickly pushed her behind himself, shielding her. He pointed at 'Todd.'
"Well… if I have to… I will. Time to go back to the void Ingram!" he screamed.
"Wait… what?" 'Todd' stepped backwards.
Scott wound up and unleashed a lightning fast punch…
…
Lisa looked with sadness at her empty bottle. "Well… looks like I need another water. Telling stories apparently makes me thirsty…"
Lily was sitting on the edge of her seat. Her jaw dropped as Lisa stood up. "Wait… you're gonna leave me with THAT? What happened?" she pleaded.
"Relax… I'm just going to get another water. You want one?" Lisa asked with a grin.
"I guess so," Lily said with a frown as she leaned back into her seat.
…
Well… Scott Pilgrim crashed his wife's bachelorette party. Who here is surprised? I know I wasn't. But what will happen next? Is Scott going to beat up all the exes all over again? (Kim Pine Note: He better not… I did NOT dress like this just for that clown to beat me up)(Julie Powers Note: Scott Pilgrim, you're RUINING MY PARTY!) And what other shenanigans can happen with the wedding less than 24 hours away? And at what point is Lisa going to have to go to the bathroom? The answers to these questions and more next time!