CHAPTER EIGHT: HYRULE CASTLE

White: Wow, the Hyrule Castle town! Kaepora whats-his-face was right- there are a lot of fat women here.

Fat woman: Hey! If I weren't so out of shape, I'd run over there and snap that skinny little neck of yers!

White: …Okay, so you guys wanna just go straight to the castle?

Yellow: Yeah, sounds good.

The four go to the castle area.

Kaepora Gaebora: Hmm, hello there.

White: Oh, great… um… hi, Kaepora…

Kaepora Gaebora: The castle is that way.

White: Cool.

Kaepora Gaebora: Now isn't that a grrrreat castle? Beautiful, clear gray stone that gives a beautiful touch on an overall magestic and magnificent design! The king knew he had to have nothing but the best build his castle, so who did he call? …The Kakariko Carpenters! These four lazy slobs will work hard as long you keep their cash flow steady and high! Most of the time they'll run around with wooden beams doing nothing, but they look pretty hunky when they do! Isn't that reason enough? If you want a new home, and you're willing to wait seven years for it to actually get done, call the Kakariko Carpenters!

*begins to sing jingle*

Kakariko Carpenters is our name,

Pretending that we're working is our game!

We'll build your house relatively fast,

As long as you give us lots of cash!

Hoot!

Black: Bravo. Now shoo.

Kaepora Gaebora: If you call now, you'll get a -5% discount!

White: No! Now go away..

Kaepora Gaebora: Come on, guys, I work on commission here…

Yellow: You wanna get hit with a slingshot again?

Kaepora Gaebora: You guys are mean! *flies away*

Navi: Anyways, we're going to have to climb up those vines and sneak into the castle.

White: Hey, who's that girl?

Malon: My name is Malon.

White: Hi, Malon. How's it goi-

Malon: My #$%ing father fell asleep in the #$%ing castle, AGAIN!

Black: Woah, maybe you should calm down there…

Malon: It's so #$%ing annoying! He's such a #$%!

Navi: Um, can we help? We're going to sneak into the castle anyways…

Malon: Whatever. Here. Take this #$%ing egg. *gives the Links an egg*

White: Um, what should we do with this?

Malon: How the #$% should I know? Figure it out.

White: Okay.

The four climb up the vine, onto the higher platform.

Black: She was pretty cute, huh?

White: Yeah…

Yellow: We're not helping her.

White: …What? Why not?

Yellow: Think about it. What rhymes with Malon?

White: What is with you and your rhyming jokes-

Yellow: FELON, okay? Felon rhymes with Malon.

Black: Not really, there's an A in one and an E in the other…

Yellow: It's close enough! She's probably a criminal, or a terrorist, and she probably wants to assassinate the king, and she's just using us. And this egg is probably a bomb!

Navi: Or, y'know, it could possibly be an EGG.

Yellow: Why are you sticking up for them? You're a girl!

Navi: So? I don't think there's anything wrong with her. We might as well help her out.

Yellow: She curses like a sailor!

Black: She curses better than a sailor. Plus, she's cute.

Yellow: If Ganondorf was cute, would you help him rule the world?

Black: Depends. How cute is he?

Yellow: …Forget it. Let's just keep this egg right here, out of harm's way, and…

White: *takes the egg from Yellow* I'm keeping that. Let's just continue, shall we?

Yellow: You're going to regret it…

The four begin to walk down the path.

Guard: Halt! Stop where you are!

Yellow: Oh, no we got caught! Quick, everyone put on cute, innocent little children faces!

*The three Links put on cute, innocent little children faces*

Guard: You're gonna get a ass-whoopin now! I'ma whoop yo ass, then I'ma beat yo ass, then I'ma kick yo ass, then I'ma throw you in jail and shove the key up yo-

Guard 2: Awww, they're just little children.

Guard: Awww, they're so cute! We can't beat them up.

Guard 2: Now, you children, listen up. You do this one more time, you're going to get a time-out, okay?

Black: Big whoop.

Yellow: *whispers* Black! Stay in character!

White: We're sowwy, Mr. Guard. We won't do it again, I promise.

Guard: It's okay, little guy. Now let's go.

*The four get escorted outside the castle gates.*

Malon: What, are you guys so #$%ing stupid that you can't even #$%ing get past the #$%ing guards?

Yellow: Shut up, you convict! *quickly climbs the vines*

White: Just ignore him. We'll find your dad as soon as we-

Malon: Just hurry the #$% up, okay?

White: …Yes ma'am.

The four try again, and get to the moat.

Yellow: All right, we did it! We got past the guards unnoticed!

White: Yeah! If we can just continue without attracting attention…

Navi: LOOK! THE EGG YOU WERE HOLDING HATCHED INTO A CHICKEN! IT'S THE MIRACLE OF LIFE!

Guard: Hey hey hey! Who just said that?

White: You idiot! …Cute faces, everyone.

Guard: Oh, you are such naughty little children! You're getting a time-out, and next time you're going to have to get a spanking if you don't behave!

Black: That's just wonderful…

The four get escorted out the gate.

Guard: Now remember, you children have to go straight home so your parents can take care of you, okay?

White: Yeah, whatever.

Guard 2: Awwww, they're just so adorable! *leaves*

Malon: I swear to #$%ing god you guys are useless.

Yellow: Hey! One more word out of you and I'll have the police on your ass before you can say "#$%"! *quickly climbs the vines*

White: Sorry about him… This time, Navi, you keep your mouth shut.

Navi: Well sorry, but it WAS the miracle of life, you know.

Black: And if you start yelling again, you're not going to enjoy the miracle of your life for long, got it?

Navi: *pouts*