CHAPTER NINE: INSIDE THE CASTLE

The four finally make it back to the side of the moat without being caught.

White: Finally! Okay, so now we have to figure out how to actually get into the castle, and… hey, who's that fatty?

Yellow: Oh, that must be that felon's dad.

White: She's not a felon! …So, how do we wake him up?

Yellow: I don't know, but let's dip his hand in a cup of water so he-

White: No. Say, what about that chicken that hatched from the egg? *takes out chicken*

Chicken: Eh? What the #$% do you want?

White: Uh, hi there, we were just wondering if-

Chicken: Well, hurry the #$% up, I'm tired.

White: Could you wake that fat guy up for us, please?

Chicken: Well how the #$% do you expect me to do that? I guess I'll try, but before we do that, let's dip his hand in a cup of water so he-

White: No!

Chicken: …#$%ing spoilsport. *crows*

Talon: Eh? What in #$%ing tarnation's going on?

Chicken: Rise and shine, sleepyhead.

Talon: Oh, great, that little #$% of a daughter told you guys to wake me up, didn't she?

White: Uh, yeah, Malon said-

Talon: She can't just #$%ing leave me alone, can she? Harumph! *leaves*

Chicken: If that's done, then I'm getting the #$% out of here. *leaves*

Navi: Why is everyone so explicit around here?

Black: I have no #$%ing idea.

Navi: …Please don't.

White: Okay, guys, let's push those crates he left behind and enter the castle through that little entrance over there.

*The four push the crates into position, and enter the castle.*

Yellow: Heh, you guys know what rhymes with Deku Tree?

Black: No, what?

Navi: Guys! There are guards up ahead. They're walking around bushes. How should we get past them?

White: I think we should spend a little time memorizing the movement patterns of the guards, and combine those with the areas where there are bushes that we can hide behind. We can then make a blueprint, and calculate our subsequent course of action.

Black: I think we should just go kamikaze and run through like a maniac.

Yellow: …I don't know what "subsequent" means, so let's go with Black's plan!

White: …Great.

*The four quickly run past some of the guards, but get caught by one of the guards midway.*

White: Innocent children faces, guys.

Guard: Hey! You kids can't be here! I'm going to have to arrest you and…

White: We're sowwy, Mr. Guard. We won't-

Guard: Shaddup! I see those swords you guys have! You're going to assassinate the king, aren't you?

Yellow: No, sir, we're just cute, rosy-cheeked little kids!

Guard: Shaddup! Put your hands behind your back.

White: But-

Guard: Shaddup!

Black: *whacks the guard on the head with the dull side of the sword*

Guard: Oof! *falls to the ground, unconscious*

Guard 2: What's all the ruckus over there?

White: Thanks, Black. Come on, let's hurry up!

*The four make it to a courtyard, where the Princess Zelda is.*

White: Hello, Princess. My name is White, and these are my friends…

Zelda: Oh… you're, like, the boys that the security guards were, like, telling me about, aren't you?

White: …The security guards were talking about us?

Zelda: Yeah, like, you knocked out some guard and, like, everyone thinks your assassins or kidnappers. They told me to, like, hide, but I didn't, like, think you'd find me here, y'know?

White: Heh, don't worry. We're not-

Zelda: So if you're going to, like, rape me, let's get it over with, okay? *takes off shirt*

White: WOAH! Zelda, we're NOT criminals, okay? The Deku Tree sent us here to meet you!

Zelda: Oh! I, like, totally knew that. So, come over here, okay?

White: Alright.

Zelda: You see that, like, creepy green dude? His name is Ganondorf. He's like, a total suck-up to my dad, who's like the King or whatever. Everyone thinks he's, like, totally cool, but I know what he really wants.

Yellow: Love?

Zelda: No, he wants to rule the world. See, like, there's this Triforce thingamajigger, and to get it, you have to get these three spiritual stones, and like, the Ocarina of Time, which is a royal family heirloom or whatever. Then you go to, like, the Temple of Time and do something or the other and, like, become all-powerful.

Black: Heh, she still hasn't realized she's not wearing a shirt…

White: So Ganondorf is trying to get the Ocarina of Time from your father. What should we do?

Zelda: You should, like, get the other stones. I know you got one from that Tree or whatever, so like, go to the Gorons and the Zoras and get the others, okay?

White: Sounds like a challenge, but we'll do it.

Zelda: Oh, and I should teach you this song. It's this lullaby, that, like, my parents sang to me when I was, like, little, y'know? It goes like this: *plays Zelda's Lullaby on Ocarina* Did you like it?

White: *snores*

Yellow: *snores*

Black: *snores*

Navi: Wake up, you morons!

White: …Huh? Oh, right. Great lullaby. Really effective. *yawns*

Zelda: Yeah, whatever. Go save the world, okay? I gotta go to my ninja class.

Yellow: Huh? Ninja class? Why are you in a ninja class?

Zelda: Just in case I ever need to disguise myself in, like, a tight blue outfit and, like, perform gravity-defying stunts to conceal my identity.

Black: …Right.

Impa: Hey, guys, I'm going to escort you out the castle. And princess, you forgot to put your shirt back on again.

Zelda: Not again! *puts shirt on*

White: How often does that happen?

Impa: At least once a week.

Impa escorts them outside the castle gates

Impa: Good luck, you guys. We're counting on you. *leaves*

Navi: Say, before we go to the Gorons' place, why don't we go find Saria again?

Black: Do you want me to list all four hundred reasons that come to mind, or a summarized version?

Navi: We might as well. I'm a little homesick, aren't you guys?

White: Okay, fine. Let's go.

*The four begin to leave the castle area

Talon: …and maybe if you actually #$%ing helped out around the ranch, I wouldn't be working my #$%ing #$% off and I wouldn't be falling asleep!

Malon: I am #$%ing working! Why don't you get that lazy #$%, Ingo, to do something?

Talon: He's doing twice as much work as you, you ungrateful little #$%! And the only "work" you do is "#$%ing around with those #$%ing horses of yours!

Yellow: There's no happier sight than a joyfully reunited father and daughter.

Malon: #$% you!

White: …Amen.