I had just finished hiding away Finn's extra clothes safe under my bed and exited my room. The thought occurred to me that Raul might want to finish our conversation so I went to go looking for him. An inward groan erupted through me when I turned the downstairs corner toward the back kitchen only to find de Bossé coming out of it, closing the door behind her. I did my best not to roll my eyes as I reluctantly approached her, raising my hand up slightly.
"Excuse me, madame. Have you seen Raul any-….?" "No, I haven't! And he's needed presently outside in the garden! The rosebushes are a sight and we're due to have company!" She didn't bother lowering her shrill tone. Company? That's the first I'm hearing about this, unless she means Finn who just departed. Breathing in slowly and doing my best to keep my temper, my arm lowered to be straight as a board at my side. "So he's not down here, then?" "Did you not just hear me, you stupid girl?! I said I haven't seen him! And even if I had, I'm not sure what business you could possibly….!"
Her "ripping my head off" was graciously interrupted by a nice, familiar voice. "Miss?" Both our heads turned to find none other than Raul come around from the staircase corner. I instantly grinned his way while de Bossé fired off a vicious glare in his direction; her big hands landing on her hips expectantly. "Well, it's about time! Get outback and set to work on those unsightly rosebushes! I shouldn't have to even tell you they're hideous unkept!"
To her and my great shock, Raul did not do as he was told- or screamed at- but instead came over to take my hand in his. He gave me a pleasant look, lowering his head a sliver. "In a moment. I want to see Miss Forger about something first." de Bossé's mouth dropped open in a flabbergasted gape. She likely wasn't used to be talked back to or ignored, especially as the estate housekeeper no less. I too blinked back at him in surprise, but he met my confused stare with a contented, mild one, gently tugging me back toward the staircase he'd just descended. "Come with me," he told me very kindly. The housekeeper ogled us speechless briefly before stomping her foot on the ground. "How dare you disregard my orders?! I said get outside now! NOW! Come back here! I'll see that you're both dismissed for such insubordination! Come back this instant!"
I was beyond disbelief as Raul acted as if he didn't even hear her screeching, instead continuing to gently guide me up the staircase while holding onto my hand. He led me up to the third floor, to a concealed library I'd only visited on occasion with Damian. Raul opened the door to reveal nobody waiting for us inside. With a curious glance his way, I passed him going through the thread hold into the empty room. Once I was securely in there, standing in the middle of the floor, Raul shut the door behind him, taking a second to spin back in my direction. He was grinning and staying rather near the door, which I took note of. My stare studied him curious and perplexed.
"What's this about, Raul?" "I could ask you the same. Why were you looking for me downstairs?" My mouth opened a tad as I tried to think of the best way to answer; my eyes drifted out into space momentarily. "I…. I wanted to conclude our previous conversation, or rather make sure that you were satisfied with its conclusion, I mean. I don't…. I don't want you to have any reservation with my decision," my closed hands tapped awkwardly on the sides of my legs. Raul's eyes lowered onto me a bit. "You mean of your not telling Master Desmond of your true intentions?" He asked me this, and my lips parted a little on their own accord. It felt so real…. Hearing him repeat my own thoughts back to me. My vision continued to float out into nowhere. "This is what's best…. for him." "And you have to do what's best for him?" "Of course! I couldn't do otherwise! He means too much to me to ever even consider….!" But my sentence pittered off here. Raul couldn't help but smile to himself, which I didn't understand why. Perhaps he was delighted that Damian had finally found someone who actually treasured him so….. Raul's eyes softened even more, drifting down to the floor between us now.
"And what about what's best for you? Doesn't that matter?" This was a loaded question, but one I felt the need to answer honestly- despite his obvious future reservations. "No, it doesn't. What's best for me is of little importance. I must put Master Desmond's needs first; him and Father's…. As well as Mr. Henderson's and yours," my gaze moved back up to meet Raul's at this claim. Our eyes lingered affectionately on each other's as his shoulders visibly relaxed. His grin expanded so naturally…. so amorously. "You love so many people…. But don't you think that love is reciprocated? Don't you think that your father would have wanted what's best for you? That Mr. Henderson or Master Desmond also want that? That I want that?"
I stared at Raul, mouth hanging open slightly. Deep down I knew he was right, but I hadn't anticipated him to say so in such a direct manner. My lips sputtered for a minute as I struggled to come up with a justifiable response to such a…. a blatant, profound truth.
"W-Well, naturally. But…. A-Aren't you contented with the trajectory of my… our lives? Do you think I could be doing anything better….?" "You know I do, miss," he was quick to reply, causing my eyes to widen a little. Raul locked his stare onto mine once more, taking a firm step in my direction. My lips began to tremble while his own mouth opened with determination.
"How do you know what is best for Master Desmond, or even for yourself, for that matter? You are so convinced that you know what will make him happy, what is right for him, but have you ever asked him what he thought before? Even once?" My heart skipped a nervous beat, being confronted with this flaw in my logic. Using what mental resources I had, I tried to justify myself- albeit a tad shakily. "I-I don't need to. I'm using the Categorical Imperative as my guiding moral principle and bed stone." "The Categorical Imperative is only apt if you have all the relevant facts, which you do not have. How can you make such a massive decision without taking into account what Master Desmond wants?" "Because that would be twisting the facts in my favour. Just asking him would be so unspeakably selfish… I…. I have to make an ill-informed decision because to do so otherwise would be deeply immoral. How could I ever ask him…. to consider such a life-altering move when I have nothing to offer?" "That's where you're mistaken, miss. You think you'd be asking him to forgo everything he has, but in reality, he has you…" "Raul?" I gawked at him stunned as his expression morphed to one of extreme love and kindness. His eyes grew gentle upon me.
"Don't you think he'd regret his decision, especially if you never gave him the choice?" "I can't give him the choice…. because it's so incredibly one-sided on my end. He'd be giving up so much more than I…" "It may seem that way from your flawed perspective, but remember that the Categorical Imperative is meant to be completely rational. Do you think your reasoning now is logical, if not sound?" He inquired, making me blink his way again. My mouth hung open but no words came out. What could I say to this? I knew he was right, after all….. And I was trying so hard to convince myself that I was doing the right thing because deep, DEEP down….. I couldn't imagine myself asking Damian to choose between his family and me. I couldn't…..
Seeing my dumbfounded face, Raul relaxed his a little. He took another, gentler step my way, letting his grin blossom as it would. His eyes softened very tenderly onto me as I peered back at his face beyond confused. His gaze rested onto mine ever so warmly….. "You're allowed to want things for yourself, besides freedom. Loving another person doesn't require a total sacrifice on your end. All you've ever wanted was to be free….. You've never asked anything of anyone else. But it's ok to be selfish; it's ok to want more from your relationships. That will not make you a completely immoral monster if you do…." "Raul," my eyes lowered a tiny bit. His grin beamed on me like a ray of sunshine in that moment; his head tilted downward a tad. "You want to be with him. That's enough of a reason, isn't it?"
We stared at one another in a silent awe for a sheer minute. A million thoughts raced through my mind as I simply beheld this wonderful, wonderful man. And I don't know why, but that's the instant reality set in all of a sudden. I blinked, coming out of my trance and staring at the door now wide-eyed. Oh yeah, the housekeeper was still waiting for him….
"I-I'm sorry! I forgot to ask….. W-Why did you bring me up here? T-To the library, I mean." Raul watched me a moment longer before casually rolling his eyes off to the side. "Oh, I thought your Kant book might be in here; thought you might want to take it with you to Westalis."
That's when a pile of books behind a nearby shelf unexpectedly knocked over. I jumped in surprise while Raul gazed over, entirely unaffected. Dear reader, you can't picture my total and absolute shock to see Damian now step out from behind the row. His face was a mixture of conflicting emotions. He'd look like he'd been crying but now had that familiar tint of anger in the corner of his eyes. I gasped in astonished shock while Raul merely gazed at the poor man, who was now staring at me after wiping his watery eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. "Master Desmond," the gardener spoke in a soft tone. My eyes shot back at him outrageously.
"Raul! Did you know he was there?!" I demanded very loudly. But Damian straightened up his back, now glaring at me as he addressed the elderly man. "Would you mind waiting outside, Raul? I'd like to have a word with Anya," he did NOT sound happy. Still grinning quietly to himself, Raul respectfully bowed before exiting the room to stand in the hallway. Damian waited until he heard the door click shut before addressing me. I meanwhile stood there, fiddling with the front of my skirt and staring down at the floor in front of my feet. My cheeks were beet red as it dawned on me that he'd heard everything…. Damian heard everything I'd just said!
It took him a minute to finally get enough breath to say something; I think Raul's and my little conversation left him a bit speechless… But soon enough his mouth sternly opened. "I thought I made myself clear: you are NOT going to Westalis." Oh, we're on this again? Not having the energy to argue, I merely sighed, shutting my eyes. When Damian realised I wasn't going to object to this or explain myself, his gaze widened a little in dismay.
"Why are you doing this?! Does my word mean nothing to you?!" "It means everything to me! But you're not the only one I have a moral obligation to," I shot back, making a conscious effort to lower my voice. Damian blinked at me before clearing his throat and glaring off to the side of the room.
"A-And what did Raul mean about you not "asking me" something? Is there something I should know, Anya? You know, besides what you've already tried so hard to conceal from me," this last sentence was peppered with resentment. I let out another sigh, dropping my shoulders tiredly. I really didn't want to get into another argument with him…. Not after we hadn't seen each other for two full days.
"You know that I am going to Westalis on Tuesday." "For the last time, you are NOT going! Do I have to lock you in your room to get the message through?" His glare instantly returned to my face. I watched him a moment, the feeling of depression and loss growing stronger and stronger inside my stomach- and heart. Not wanting to yell at him, my face simply dropped in despair. My eyes fought back tears as my lips couldn't even tremble. Our eyes locked, and mine immediately softened onto his.
"Master Desmond….. You must know I want what's best for you." His arms stiffened a little at this; his glare sharpening. "It's like Raul just said, how do you know what's best for me? First my father, then you- no one's ever asked what I want before. Doesn't that matter to you?" "Of course it does! More than anything!" "Then why don't you ask me?! Don't you think I'm capable of determining that for myself? News flash: I'm a grown man! I'm not dumb nor so out-of-touch that I don't know my own feelings or the reality of the situation. I will determine what's best for my own future! That's not up to Donovan, or you, or anyone else! If anyone'll decide what's best for me, it's me!" Damian's thumb stuck into his chest, and I beheld him astounded. I'd…. never heard him talk like that before, and certainly not about himself. And it made me feel… It made me feel….. so profoundly, intensely happy, regardless of the dismal situation which brought it about. My suspicions of where this new-found determination arisen from were confirmed when Damian suddenly ran his hand through his hair. He then spun around to plant both of his hands on the edge of the desk in front of the window overlooking the garden and swing-set out back. You could see the flowers from here…..
Damian stared down at the desk in complete misery. His breathing was low and pained. I saw him grip the wood of the desk in both palms, as if afraid he might fall over any second. His arms- nay, his whole figure- were trembling uncontrollably, and yet were so decisively still and calm.
"You're right….. You were right about everything. Stasi doesn't have a dowery; a monetary one, anyway. And Demetrius is inheriting the whole estate and its assets…. Donovan's leaving me with nothing. His plan was to throw me at Stasi….. and then leave me to fend for myself in this viper-pit of a party." A long moment of silence ensued. Eventually, when he didn't say more, my hand lifted up a little toward him.
"Master Desmond, I'm so…" But nothing else came out of my mouth. His arms now really started to shake. His stare was glued down onto the desk. His voice was meeker and sadder when he spoke next. "Why…..? Why do you have to go away? Will going to Westalis really give you the closure you're looking for?" His tone was full of doubt and despair. Watching him intently, my arm lowered. My lips parted a sliver, also quivering uncontrollably so. My stare drifted into space before I closed my eyes, sucking in a deep, long breath. My fingers in to make fists as I attempted to steady myself. I'm sorry, Mr. Henderson….. I tried so hard to be a good, obedient daughter. My lips began to open, taking on a will of their own.
"My father… I think, or rather I know that he's alive over there." A short pause. "He wasn't killed over in Westalis; he was too good a spy for that ever to happen. I know he defected…. when I was four years old." Another short pause. "It was too dangerous for him to smuggle me across the border at the time, and I suspect that he had to leave Ostania when he did… if it was ever going to happen. He left me in such a position…. where I'd be able to follow him someday." A longer pause. "I know that Father is waiting for me, and fully supposes me to come. He knew that it would be easier for me to come to him than for him to return to Berlint. That….. and he knew I'd have a better quality of life over there, in Westalis. He'd want me to be somewhere I could be free, live free…. Freer than I'd ever be if I stayed here." A very long pause. I sighed, slowly re-opening my eyes in sheer anguish. My breathing stilled for a moment….. "That's why I have to go….. He's waiting for me; he's been waiting for me for fourteen years."
Silence. Damian's initial response to my honest explanation of my actions, my motives, was a suffocating silence. His eyes remained fixed on the desk, his body was perfectly still. I'm pretty sure it was beginning to dawn on him that I wouldn't be returning from my journey…. And I can't begin to imagine what he must be thinking. A tear dripped down, landing on the wood of the desk beneath him. His body shook, almost unbearably so.
"Anya, I love you…" He breathed, and my heart stopped. My heart froze in the best and worst way. I was hopeful and hopeless…. Tears was trickling down my face now too as I could do nothing but stare at the back of him. "I love you too…." The moment I uttered this, he let out an audible gasp. Then the tears began to fall more freely on his face too. He winced his eyes shut, curling his hands into tight fists. "I love you… so much," this last part felt like he said it more for himself than to me. I was about to reply before the door burst wide open, and we both shot around to a frantic Demetrius march inside.
"There you are! What are you doing?! The Grey's just arrived and you're not fit to be seen! Go put your suit on! Hurry! Father's waiting for us downstairs!" Ignoring my presence entirely, or the fact that his brother still had tears in his eyes, Demetrius grabbed Damian by the wrist, yanking him viciously towards the open door. Damian gazed back to me in a hurry, as if wanting to get one last look at my face. Our eyes met as I followed them rapidly out of the room. Raul was in the hall, looking quite dismayed by this turn of events. The three of us ogled one another as Demetrius kept pulling his brother in a harsh manner. Meanwhile I stood there beside Raul, watching Damian go and not bothering to hold back my tears anymore. I stayed there next to the gardener, weeping silently to myself.
My bottom lip quivered uncontrollably; or it did until Raul put his arm around my shoulder. My gaze peered up in the direction of his face, only to see him smiling back down at me. His hand gave my shoulder a soft squeeze. "Raul…..?" "Miss." More teardrops dripped down my cheeks, sizzling against the skin. "I'll never see him again…." I shuttered in a frantic whisper. But his grin merely deepened as his eyes locked firmly onto mine.
"I wouldn't be so sure."