Jennie

Honestly, it feels good to get it over with.

I took every one of the forty-eight hours Taehyung gave me before I surrendered. I wish I could say those last two days of pride felt good, but it was really just about waiting for the hammer to fall—to drop it on myself, rather, which was even worse.

I couldn't bear to tell him myself. My lawyer did it. She thought I was crazy at first but figured out pretty quickly that something's off. She subtly pushed until she decided she doesn't really want to know the answer.

I look out of my apartment's windows at the darkened city. Nine p.m. It feels strange not to have been in the office during a weekday. That even feels strange when I'm away on business, to say nothing of personal matters.

I sit down on my sofa and look at my phone again, at the little icon that lets me know I have one missed call. Lisa. She left no message, which she would have done if it were legitimate business, so I'm sure it's personal. Perhaps she's going to ask me to reconsider ending our arrangement?

Perhaps she's calling to follow up on whether or not I can get her another job.

I groan before I can help it. The groan eases the pressure in my chest but does nothing to banish the coldness there. Soon Lisa's going to be elsewhere, by my own design. I did it for her sake, but that isn't helping right now, not when I imagine my days without her at my side. Being the best assistant I've ever had by day, driving me wild at night, being clever and kind and delicious and…

I curl my hand into a fist and imagine slamming it into Taehyung's face. Goddammit. Let him have the house; let him have every possession I've got. What is any of that compared to Lisa's touch and mischievous smile? I'd give up a dozen McMansions for the chance to stroke a sunset-pink streak of hair on her head. Why had I ever demanded she get rid of that? It seems so foolish now.

Not that it matters. I well and truly ended things. I've spent just as much time thinking about the pained look on her face as I have thinking about losing to Taehyung. For a few moments, I thought perhaps she truly cared for me—she looked so confused, so hurt—but then she'd agreed that it wasn't a relationship, had never been one, and asked if I could get her a job in environmental law.

It wasn't fair of me to feel sucker-punched, but I did anyway.

I'll do what I promised. She'll land on her feet, live a happy life, and never have to know about any of this. It's dirty and painful, and none of it will ever touch her. Not if I have anything to say about it.

She's been through enough. I can't let her be dragged through the mud yet again, not right now, when she's finally getting her life back together.

I can't stop wondering about Taehyung's masterstroke. Who his so-called "eyewitness" is. Nor can I stop imagining some Peeping Tom PI following me around, monitoring my every movement. The thought makes my skin crawl.

The doorbell rings.

I look up with a frown, startled out of my brooding. I haven't ordered any food and I'm not acquainted with any of my neighbors yet. For a nervous, totally irrational moment, I wonder if it's the PI coming to say hello.

Then I realize who it has to be.

Hope surges in my chest, like it would in the chest of an idiot, and I'm already on my feet before I realize it would be a mistake to see Lisa right now. I freeze in place, three steps toward the door, and my hands clench at my sides. I wait.

The doorbell rings again, followed by an insistent knocking.

Maybe I'm wrong. I should go check. There's a peephole. I can be quiet; I've removed my shoes. Feeling absurd, I silently hurry toward the door on the balls of my feet.

Nearly silently. When I'm only two steps from the peephole, the wood creaks loudly under my feet and I freeze in place.

Another knock. "Ms. Kim," Lisa's voice calls. "Are you there?"

Ms. Kim? Why the retreat into formality? She must be trying to put all the distance between us that she can—although that leaves unanswered the question of why she's here in the first place.

I hesitate. Maybe she'll think the creaking wood was a mistake and go away.

"Ms. Kim." Now her voice is dry. "I've got some important updates for you. Please open the door."

I want to resist that voice. I've somehow lost the ability to do so. Lisa is on the other side of the door, it's the end of the day from hell, and I have the chance to see her for just a few moments. Even if nothing can happen.

I take a deep breath and open the door.

Then I barely manage not to let my breath go in a ridiculous sigh. Lisa's in the same sweater-and-skirt outfit she wore on the day I kissed her in the elevator. Is it on purpose—was she planning to seduce me in the office today?

I try to silence the hopeful squeak my brain gives at the thought.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"Are you alone?"

I lift my chin. My heart's beating too hard. "I said, what are you doing here?"

"I know what Mr. Ashford's up to," she whispers, sending a bolt of horror through me. "I know everything. Let me in."

Automatically, I stand to the side and let her push past me. My head spins. She knows? How? I can only think of one possibility, and at the thought, sheer rage follows the horror.

I slam the door shut. The sound makes her gasp, and she turns to face me. I snap, "He called you. Did he threaten you? What does he want from you?"

Because that's the only answer. My bastard of an ex called Lisa to tell her what he's doing, to put the squeeze on me and make sure I don't step out of line. Or perhaps just to twist the knife in my chest. I could kill him. Maybe I will. How dare he approach her?

Lisa bites her lip, which then wobbles for a moment. "So…it is true."

Wait. What? I blink at her.

"Sehun and Mark were talking about how he wants everything," Lisa says. "They were saying he must have something on you, but they don't know what. It's this, isn't it? It's us."

What's the use of denying it? I've already given the game away. Still, at least Taehyung didn't get his claws into her. "It's nothing for you to worry about."

"Oh my God!" Lisa looks up at the ceiling as if that was the most ridiculous thing she's ever heard, before turning to head into my apartment, uninvited.

Speechless, I follow her. The effrontery. I wish it weren't so appealing. My foolish heart is beating out the words she's here, she's here.

She shouldn't be here. She was never supposed to be here again. That's the problem, but not as much of a problem as my happiness at seeing her here.

By the time I catch up to her, Lisa's pacing the living room, apparently too agitated to sit still. She looks at me. "How did he find out?"

I cross my arms over my chest and stand on the other side of the sofa. Which is absurd. It's hardly a useful shield. "A private investigator and an eyewitness. No, I don't know who."

"I might have an idea. Fuck." She glances toward my kitchen, apparently unable to meet my eyes.

"You do? Who?" The thought of catching the guilty party sends fire racing through my veins, a welcome heat. I need a target.

"Uh…Sana, maybe?" When I blink, Lisa tells me about finding Sana in her office after our shattering first encounter. She concludes with, "But she was so far away, I thought she couldn't have heard. And she never gave any indication, never looked at me funny or anything." She swallows hard. "I'm sorry. I should have told you."

"Yes, you should have." But I can't summon any anger. It's too late for that, and in Lisa's place I'd have written Sana off, too. Mark was right to warn me against underestimating her. God have mercy, did she listen through my office door? I can't help imagining her holding an empty water glass against her ear, pressed to the wood.

We don't know for sure it was her—except we do. I remember suddenly Sana and Marcus's hall conference, the one where they'd stopped speaking the instant I showed up. The way I've ridden Marcus hard at work. Marcus's irritating friendship with Taehyung, which would also explain how Taehyung suddenly came to the conclusion that I prefer women, if Marcus told him what Lisa revealed in the Jung meeting: I don't go for boys.

Pride goeth before a fall, as they say, and the thought makes me burn in a less pleasant way. I'm being punished for demanding my people do their jobs to the best of their ability. It's so petty, so unfair.

"Jennie?" Lisa seems a little spooked. I must look just as angry as I feel.

"Marcus," I spit, and her eyes widen. "He and Sana—never mind. Never mind how I know." The rage is only building inside me. "It'll be round two, won't it? Once Taehyung gets all my assets, they'll come up to me, asking for promotions or raises or transfers, or God knows what."

Lisa eyes are round with horror.

And they won't get it, I yearn to say, but I can't. I'll give them what they ask for, if it'll keep them quiet, and the reason why is standing right in front of me.

I should resent her for it. I've never been under anybody's thumb before. But how can I? She didn't put a gun to my head and make me fall for her—that is, fall for the great sex—did she? I made my own choices.

And I wouldn't take any of it back. That realization is as big a shock as anything else that's ever occurred to me in my life. It actually makes me sway on my feet a little. Blackmail or not, humiliation or not, I wouldn't trade one second of what it was like for Lisa's hands and mouth to make me come alive at last.

"You're going to let them?" she whispers. "You're that ashamed."

What? I stare at her in mute astonishment.

Her mouth puckers. "You're that ashamed of it, aren't you? It'd be that awful, so awful you'd grovel before literally the worst people I've met in my life, and let me tell you, that's saying something. You'd give up everything you have. And guess what, Jennie—"

I'm not doing this because of shame. I round the sofa, hands rigid at my side, not sure what I'm going to do or say, just that I can't let her think that. "No. I—"

"It's not working. Everyone's going to know something's up, even if they don't know what. Maybe they'll never guess the truth, but they'll know Taehyung has something on you. You'd never back down otherwise. Your reputation is as good as shot already!"

"I know that!" How stupid does she think I am? "That's not why."

"So why?" She runs a hand through her hair and looks pleadingly at me again, but not asking for forgiveness this time. Asking for an explanation I don't know how to give. "What else can it be?"

Your little blonde toy, Taehyung had called her, reducing her to an object without dreams or history, knowing nothing about her except that she'd refused his offer of a bribe. It had never occurred to her to betray me.

I'm standing close to her now. When did I get this close? How can any human being have such Brown eyes?

"Jennie?" Lisa whispers. Her mouth, soft and full, makes my name sound like music. "What else can—"

I reach out, cup her face in my hands, and kiss her.

Just like in the elevator, it's unplanned and incandescent, a moment out of time. Unlike the elevator, my body sings with the memory of everything she's done to it, how good she's made me feel.

Her hands slide around my waist without a second's hesitation and pull me in, holding me tightly to her, as if I'm something she yearns to keep. She kisses me back, and I fall into it, savoring her. She's so sweet, so soft, so generous with her kisses, and she thinks I'll let Taehyung and his little cabal touch a hair on her head when I could prevent it?

Never that. Not ever that.

Eventually, we must part for air. Lisa uses her first breath to whisper, "Because of me?"

I lean in for another kiss, and she lets me for one moment. Then she pulls away and repeats, "Because of me."

Dizzy, I stare at her. She's flushed with passion, but her eyes are wide with disbelief.

"Jennie," she prompts. "Come on. Is that it?"

I lick my lips as I begin to descend back into my familiar self. The practical one that doesn't want to have this conversation. But it seems too late to avoid it; my impulsive gesture has told Lisa everything she needs to know.

"Don't worry about it," I manage.

It's clearly the wrong thing to say. Her eyes go even wider in outrage, and she lets go of my waist, stepping back. "I'm sorry, don't what, now?"

"It's my business," I snap. "My decision."

"Because of me," she says yet again. "Are you protecting me? Is that it? Holy hell, that's it, isn't it?"

The look of outrage is vanishing from her face, replaced with something that looks much like wonderment, someone who's looking at something she never knew existed before. It must be the spectacle of Jennie Kim having a heart.

I set my jaw. There's no use denying anything, but I can mitigate the damage. "There are a number of factors, Lisa. But if you must know, your reputation is of some concern to me. I see no reason for us both to be ruined instead of just me."

"I want to be ruined."

The words land between us like so many anvils. I stare at her in disbelief.

"Let them talk," Lisa says, "if that's what's really holding you back. Don't give them what they want because of me."

"Don't be an idiot!" I can't keep my voice from rising in distress. "It's easy for you to say that now. You're young, you think you're invulnerable—"

"You don't—"

"You think there are no consequences to this. But there are, lasting ones, and—"

"You don't get to say that about me. About what I think and what I don't." Her voice trembles with what could be any number of feelings: indignation, fear, sincerity. Looking into her eyes, it's impossible to think of her as anything but utterly sincere. "Jennie. Listen to me. I'm—"

She clears her throat. I wait for her to say I'm serious or I'm a grown woman.

"I'm bowled over that you want to protect me," she says, her voice thick. "And at your own expense, too. I honestly am. I can't remember the last—I'm not sure anybody's ever—" She turns away, clearly needing a moment to collect herself.

I use that moment to shore up my own defenses. If she turns this conversation saccharine, that will certainly help.

"Anyway," she continues, looking back at me with thankfully dry eyes, "I appreciate it. But I don't want it."

Something inside me is winding up tightly. "Lisa…"

She shakes her head. "Nuh-uh. Hear me out. You want to give them everything they ask for to protect yourself? Okay, that's your prerogative. But for me? I think I'm allowed to refuse." She makes an X mark in the air. "Sorry. No."

"This would follow you for the rest of your life." The wound-up feeling grows. I'm like a coiling spring. We must both see reason, before— "When we started this, you told me you cared about your reputation. Where did all that circumspection go? Down the drain with your common sense?"

"There's a difference between getting caught and getting blackmailed!" She looks at me as if I'm a complete simpleton. "Besides, it was always a risk. It's not like I didn't know that, although, yeah, since you're asking, my common sense went down the drain a long time ago."

It shouldn't take this much effort to keep myself from trembling. "You're too young to remember Monica Lewinsky, aren't you? Do you think that poor girl ever got her life back?"

Lisa stares at me. "Jennie. You're not the fucking President. You're a lawyer who's pretty well-known in the Southeast."

I dig my fingernails into my palms.

She misreads my reaction. "Don't get me wrong, I think you're going to be bigger," she adds quickly. "I really do, and I get that this could mess up your plans, and if that was why you were caving—but it's not, is it? If you're serious, if it really is because of me, then please don't. It's…" She looks at the floor for a moment. "It's demeaning."

"Not as demeaning as it will feel when everyone refers to you as my…" I can't help spitting out Taehyung's foul-tasting word, "toy. Do you know what this will do to your career?"

"Do you know what it'll do to me, knowing those assholes get to hold this over both of our heads forever? Jennie, it's never going to go away."

She reaches out and, to my astonishment, takes my hands in both of hers. Her hands are so soft and warm. The innocent touch starts a shiver in me that won't stop.

Lisa doesn't seem to notice. "That's the thing about blackmail. Right? As long as you want the secret kept, they'll ask for stuff to make them keep it. And if there really are three of them, all it takes is for one of them to let it slip, and nothing you already paid will matter. You'll have wasted all of that." Her voice grows softer. "Plus time, Jennie. You'll have wasted so much time."

Her words paint a picture so vivid I can't look away from it. I see the years ahead when my integrity stretches thinner with every payment I make to those vultures. I see Lisa going on to better things, shaking her head with disappointment at my lack of fortitude. I see myself alone, or—worse—allied to some new man I'll never make happy, who can never make me happy. Because he wouldn't be Lisa. Because he wouldn't be—

Because I'm—

I'm drowning. I look at Lisa and feel the water close over my head. Her warm hands holding on to mine are the only thing that can drag me free.

"It's your choice," Lisa whispers, never looking away from my eyes. "I can't make you do anything. But just so you know, I'm all in favor of the truth…coming out."

I want to close my eyes and shut out the vision of everything I've never been able to face. I can't. Lisa Manoban hasn't given me a moment's peace since the day we met. Why should tonight be different? I stare at her helplessly while the last of my delusions fall away.

"Oh God," I choke, while my throat fills, while heat bubbles up behind my eyes. "Oh my God. It's true."