Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Thanks to my wonderful, fantablous betas, Ms. Ambrosia and Browns. I heart you both.

Not going to lie, this one is crazy angsty. In fact, here's a warning for ya'll.

Warning: Parts of this chapter are somewhat graphic and may be disturbing to some people. Please read with caution.

"How many times can I break 'till I shatter?

Over the line can't define what I'm after…

All that I feel is the realness I'm faking

Taking my time but its time that I'm wasting…

- "Shattered (Turn the Car Around)" by O.A.R.

BPOV

There is pain everywhere. Nothing feels right, and it hurts. Holy fuck, does it hurt.

I look down to see the steering wheel embedded in my stomach. I cannot see my legs, and there is pain. Huge, overwhelming amounts of pain.

There is blood everywhere and I am covered in glass. I can barely make out the shape of a car in front of me, its front end is somehow connected with ours. And through the windshield…

Being stuck as I am, there is no way to avoid seeing the man lying across the hood of our rental car. I vomit when I see the body. It goes all down the front of me, mixing with the blood. I can smell the sickness, the blood…and death.

I hear the sirens before I see the lights. Turning to my right, I tell my mother help is on the way.

She isn't there.

But Phil is...part of Phil anyway.

I hear someone screaming and it only takes a moment to realize…

It is me.

"Bella? Bella, wake up sweetie."

I'm disoriented, not sure of where I am. I definitely know who is talking to me though.

"Mom?" I ask, confused.

"Hi baby. You were having an awful nightmare. I came in to wake you up; you were screaming so loud."

I open my eyes and look around. I'm in the guest room at her and Phil's house in Jacksonville. It takes me only a minute to realize that I shouldn't be here. She shouldn't be here. I immediately sit straight up in bed, grabbing her and pulling her into my arms. She gives a bit of a startled chuckle, but wraps her arms around me, hugging me tight.

"Sweetie, are you okay?"

I'm crying, sobbing really, into her shoulder. I cannot speak and it takes me a minute to calm myself before I answer her.

"I am now. Oh, Mom, I'm so glad you're okay."

Renee laughs softly. "Of course I'm okay, baby. Everything is fine. Everything is just fine."

I cannot stop hugging her. I'm afraid if I let go, I'll never see her again, never hold her again. I hold on to her with everything I have, refusing to let go even when she begins to back away.

"Bella, you have to let me go." Her voice sounds weird, like something is in her mouth, preventing the words from coming out.

"Mom?" I still don't want to let go, but I pull back slightly, just to make sure she's okay.

She wrenches herself from my arms, her movements jerky and spastic.

"Mom?" I'm in a panic now, wondering what's wrong with her.

I now see her face, with the blood pouring from her mouth, her nose, her ears and – worst of all – her eyes. There is blood covering every bit of her body – gaping holes in her chest, where her left arm used to be. Her mouth opens and more blood gushes out. Her head wobbles before it falls off her neck and rolls across the floor. I am screaming – for help, for anyone to come and save her. I look down to see my own body covered in her blood. It's all over my hands and I scream again….

"BELLA! Bella! Oh, Bella, please wake up, please! Bella, come on! Wake up, Bella!"

My eyes popped open and I heard the scream coming from my lips. My breath was coming in hard, fast pants and it felt as though my heart would beat right out of my chest. I could still hear someone talking to me, but the roaring in my head made it hard to comprehend who it was.

I came out of it enough to realize that I was in my room, in mine and Alice's apartment in Seattle. I panicked, looking down at my hands, and felt nothing but relief to find that they were not covered in blood. My screaming stopped and I took a deep breath, trying to calm my pounding heart. I was shivering and felt the tiny hand on my shoulder before I recognized Alice's voice.

She was babbling. "Oh Jesus, Bella. Are you okay? Where the fuck is your phone? I'm calling Edward and telling him I'm bringing you to the hospital; he can meet us in the E.R. Why didn't you tell me that you were still having nightmares? Oh fuck! I don't want to leave you, but I need to call Edward. Or Emmett – I can call Emmett and Rosalie. Shit, I wish someone else was here. Fuck!"

It took me a minute, but I was able to reach up and touch her hand on my shoulder, which instantly shut her up. She looked down at me, her eyes wide and teary, terror and worry all mixed in.

"I'm…" I cleared my throat, as my voice came out all scratchy and shaky. "I'm…okay, Alice. Please…don't…don't call."

Alice sat down on the bed next to me, taking one of my hands into hers. My skin was cold and clammy and I could feel the sweat drying on me in a heavy film. I was still shaking lightly, but it had calmed considerably from what it was when first woke up.

"I'm sorry that I got you up," I said, quietly. "Normally, they don't get far enough for me to actually…" I broke off at the look on Alice's face, realizing too late that I had said much more than I had intended.

"Bella, do you have these kind of nightmares every night?"

I shook my head. "No, not every night."

That was true…for the most part.

"Bella…" She obviously didn't believe me.

"Alice, truly, I'm fine. It was a horrible nightmare, and I'm grateful you woke me up from it because I really didn't want to see what was next." I tried to make a joke of it, but I had no energy to use the right inflection to make it work.

And what was next was Phil walking into the room…or an ugly, bloody half of Phil crawling into the room.

I shuddered from the memory and Alice's eyes grew wide once again. "Bella, does Edward know about your nightmares?"

I shook my head violently. "No, and you're not going to tell him."

Alice sighed. "Bella, how does he not…?"

"I told you, I don't have them all the time. I had a long day and I saw a report about a car accident on the news tonight, so it must've triggered my subconscious. I'm okay now, really."

I prayed she wouldn't question my lie. I refused to have anything to do with TV or print news for the mere fact that seeing the words "fatal car accident" could cause a panic attack or a flashback to the accident.

"I still think Edward should know…" Alice said. She was looking at me like she was scared I was going to freak out at any minute.

"No. I'm not going to tell him and neither are you. This was a fluke nightmare, Alice, and I'm fine now. Thank you for waking me up out of it."

Alice sighed, but didn't disagree with me.

She didn't agree with me either.

"Ali, you have to promise me you won't tell Edward."

Alice refused to meet my eyes, stubbornly crossing her arms over her chest.

"Ali, please. I can't…I don't want him to know. He would just get all freaky overprotective and I don't want our first fight to be about this when it could be over something like what movie we're going to see or who's the better kisser." I forced a smile to my face, keeping my tone light.

Please, please buy into this, Ali.

She didn't say anything and I began racking my brain, trying to find another way to get her over to my way of thinking. She surprised me when she just sighed and nodded her head.

"Okay. I won't tell him." She turned to glare at me. "But if this happens again, I am telling him whether you like it or not."

Dodged that bullet.

"Thanks, Al. I appreciate it."

Alice still looked unsure about her decision, but I wasn't about talk her out of it. There was no way I was going to allow Edward to know about my nightmares.

Don't you mean night terrors?

Unable to take my internal thoughts or the feel of the sweat drying on my skin, I pushed Alice out of my way and stood up next to the bed on slightly unsteady feet. Alice quickly stood up and put her hands out to steady me, but I managed it on my own without her help.

"I'm going to go take a shower," I murmured to her. "Thanks for…you know."

She said my name as I crossed over to my bathroom, but I ignored her. I was afraid if I stopped and took a minute to address her I would lose the little control I had left over my composure. Once I was in the shower I could let loose the tears I needed so badly to cry.

It was bad enough to have a nightmare within a nightmare, but to have one where my mother was back with me, even for the briefest of moments, just seemed incredibly cruel. To think she was gone, then to have her back, only to see her dissolve into a bloody mess all over me was just more than I could take. I sunk to the floor of the shower, trying to quiet the sound of my sobs so Alice wouldn't hear me. I couldn't face any more questions or well-intentioned concern.

This was just one more nightmare to add to the list of hundreds I'd had since the accident. I will pull it together and go on, just as I had for the last seven months.

There has to come a point in time when I would run out of tears.

This too shall pass…

"Ms. Swan, can I talk to you for a minute?"

I looked up to see one of my students, a somewhat attractive male with long blonde hair, striding toward me in the small classroom where I taught Shakespeare three times a week. My fingers tightened involuntarily on the podium I was standing behind. I forced myself to relax.

"Of course…." I meant to add his name, but I'd be damned if I could remember it. "What can I do for you?"

He gave me a smirk and raised one eyebrow, leaving me in no doubt exactly what he wanted me to do for him. "I wanted to talk to you about the 'Much to do about Anything' paper."

It took everything I had to hold back the exhausted sigh that wanted to escape me. "You mean the 'Much Ado about Nothing' paper?"

He had the grace to look slightly ashamed. "Yeah, that one. I'm not quite sure what you're looking for with it."

"Hmmm…I'm not sure what else I can do to explain what I'm looking for, since it's spelled out pretty clearly in the syllabus and we covered it for almost a third of our class time today. What exactly are your questions?"

"Um, well, you said you want us to talk about how the female characters are judged by accusations of being dishonest and unfaithful…" He trailed off and I was still not sure what he was asking me.

"That's right; I want you to compare how the female characters are treated against the male characters when the same accusations are made about them. Then you'll write about what message Shakespeare may have been trying to portray with the differences in the gender roles and the conflicts that arise from it."

Blondie shook his head. "I'm afraid I still don't understand. I have a class until five o'clock, would it be possible for us to meet after that? Maybe even grab a bite to eat?"

Well, hell.

I just did not have the energy to fend off an infatuated student today. The nightmare I had last night had drained me completely and I did not fall back to sleep after I got out of the shower. Alice had been waiting for me, and I brushed off her attempts to talk about what happened. Instead I lied and told her I was going to try and go back to sleep. When she left, I turned on the television and stared at it, unseeing. Four hours later, I got up, dressed and headed to the campus hours before I needed to be there. I had escaped seeing Alice and buried myself in work. This was my last class of the week and I just wanted to leave so I could stop pretending to be okay for five minutes.

Yet here I am dealing with Blonde Romeo.

"I'm afraid that's not possible. I have office hours on Monday from twelve to two; you're welcome to stop by then and we can go over any questions you have about the paper."

"Ms. Swan, I'd really feel more at ease if we discussed this in a less formal setting. Your office can be a bit intimidating, I'm sure. There's a café down the street that would be a perfect place for us to talk."

I shook my head. "My office or the classroom will be the only places I'll discuss class work. I'll be happy to talk to you in either of those places during my office hours or right before or after class."

He leered at me. "But what if I want to discuss something other than class work with you, Ms. Swan?"

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at him. I'm sure he thought his charm would allow him to talk to me anyway he pleased, but I had grown up with Jacob Black, the king of sexual innuendos. Nothing this guy could say to me would throw me.

At least, I hope not. I'm not caught up on all the latest lingo.

"Mr. Wilder," I finally remembered his name, "the only thing I'll be discussing with you is what happens in class or about your work due for class, which means conversations will only take place here in the lecture hall or in my office. If you can't abide by those boundaries, then I'm afraid I can't help you."

I picked up my new messenger bag – a gift from Edward – and threw my papers and books from class inside. "Now, if that's all Mr. Wilder, I'll see you on Monday during my office hours or in class. Have a nice weekend."

With that, I walked past him and out the classroom door. As an exit, I thought I did pretty well.

Walking slowly toward the tiny office I had in the building where the English Department was housed, I tried to relax. Mr. Wilder was persistent, but at least he didn't take to following me across campus. I hoped my luck would hold as the semester continued and he would move on to his more willing – and available – fellow students.

I glanced up at the darkening sky, thinking over the last few weeks. The good news was that I liked my job. Most of the students in my classes were nice and seemed interested in the subject matter I was teaching. Over the last two weeks they had engaged in compelling and introspective discussions. I could only hope that it would continue throughout the semester.

I was sharing an office with another adjunct professor, C.C. Browne. She wouldn't tell me what C.C. stood for, and anytime I tried to ask she shut me down with a look.

The other professors in the department were kind; they invited me to go out with them often for dinner or drinks. I felt bad always telling them no, but I just never felt like joining them. I could sense their disappointment, but it wasn't enough to make me change my mind. I just wasn't interested in hanging out with them in a social setting. They were kind enough to forgive me for snubbing them, always offering to help or show me the ropes, if need be. C.C. had been more than accommodating in helping me find my way around the department and the campus. I was glad Kathleen had paired the two of us together.

C.C. wasn't in the office when I entered it a little while later. I placed my messenger bag on the floor and sunk into the faux leather chair behind my desk. It rolled a bit as I sat down, but was still close enough to the desk for me to lean my forehead down against the cool metal. I wasn't sure how long I laid there, arms dangling at my sides, head down, before I gathered myself enough to look at the clock.

It was just after four-thirty and I had promised to be home by five. Honestly, I was wiped out from the night before and not really in the mood to do anything more than to go home and crawl into bed. Edward, however, was incredibly excited about celebrating our one-month anniversary and had a surprise planned for me. I didn't want to disappoint him and had worked hard over the last month to make sure that we were okay.

Actually, I acted my ass off to show him I was fine. Then I spent hours convincing myself it was true.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you looked at it, my time with him had been somewhat limited. Edward's work schedule was erratic; there was one week I'd only seen him once in seven days. That wasn't the norm though, and we managed to spend at least three nights a week together. Weekends were always touch and go, as he might be on call the entire weekend, or not working at all.

We stole what time we could, whenever we could. Sometimes I would meet him at the hospital and we'd grab a quick bite in the cafeteria when he had a break. Other times, he'd come right to the apartment after a long shift, kiss me hello and fall into my bed to sleep for sixteen hours straight. To me, it didn't matter what we did as long as we got to do it together. Being with him helped me feel whole and happy, which was something that I hadn't felt in a long time.

The times we were apart were hard, much harder than they should've been. For him I was willing to do whatever it took to make him happy so he'd stay with me. I knew I was broken inside – that had become clearer to me the night I sobbed in his arms over him seeing my scars. I had known it for months, but had masked it in front of my father and Jake. As far as they were concerned, I was healing physically and emotionally.

Only I knew the truth.

I had nightmares every night; in most of them I relived the accident, watching my mother die in front of my eyes. Sometimes my father, Jake, Alice and Edward took her spot, but every night I had a nightmare, unless Edward was with me.

When he held me, there were no nightmares.

I never told him about the ones I had when he wasn't there. Even Alice hadn't known until last night. Last night had been the worst yet and I hadn't woken up in time to stop screaming before she heard me.

I had been hiding the nightmares from everyone.

I was mostly worried about Edward finding out about them, which is why I worked so hard to get Alice to promise me that she wouldn't tell him. I was afraid that if Edward knew the true extent of my fear, if he saw the truly broken Bella, he'd leave me.

I felt horrible for doing it, for holding back so much, but I knew without a doubt that if I allowed him to see everything that was wrong with me, he'd bolt without so much as a good-bye.

I couldn't handle someone else leaving me.

We had talked the day after the panic attack over my scars, and spoke a bit about why I reacted as I had. That morning, I'd woken up in his bedroom, alone. I heard sounds coming from the living room/kitchen part of the condo, and decided to get up to see what he was doing. I was wearing a pair of purple and black fleece pajama pants and a black tank top. I considered grabbing a sweatshirt, but figured since it was just Edward and me, there was no point in covering up. The apartment was pretty warm and I was comfortable in what I was wearing.

I found Edward on the couch, flipping through the channels of the big flat screen. Rain was pouring down outside and the dining room table was set for two.

"Morning," I yawned, sitting down to join him on the couch.

"Morning, love. Pancakes are in the microwave if you're hungry; I waited for you to eat."

"You didn't have to do that, but thank you." I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek and he pulled me close to him, wrapping his arms around me.

"How are you feeling?"

I hesitated, taking stock of my emotions. After last night, I felt a bit drained and empty, but for the most part, I felt…numb. Knowing that wouldn't make him happy in the least, I lied.

"I'm okay. Better than last night."

"How about we talk about it after we eat?"

I gave a non-committal shrug; I had no interest in discussing what happened at all. However, I knew Edward wouldn't let it go, so I steeled myself for what lay ahead.

Once breakfast was over and things were cleaned up, I apologized.

"I'm really sorry about last night."

Edward and I had settled on the couch; ironically enough the exact spots we had sat when he come clean about Tanya. "I know you are and I'm sorry for pushing you too far, too fast. But we covered the apologies last night, love. I need to know what's going on in that head of yours because I never want to see that look in your eyes ever again. Tell me what you're thinking and feeling, please."

My fingers were drumming on my leg in a nervous tap-tap-tap. Edward reached over and grabbed my hand, stilling my movements. I gave him an apologetic smile, taking his hand and pulling his fingers through mine.

"I am…overwhelmed by how I feel when I'm with you. I get swept away and it's hard for me to remember that we've only been…whatever we are…for a few days. It feels like it's been forever, honestly. This has been moving so quickly, but it doesn't feel like that at all."

I was rambling and I knew it, but I didn't know where to start, or how to explain all that was going on inside of me. This had been the norm since the accident. The doctors at the clinic had said something about post-traumatic stress disorder, but I blew them off. What happened to me had nothing to do with some psycho-babble disorder. It had only been six or so months since it happened and I was sure to have some side effects from it. Once I was stronger, this would no longer be an issue. Until then, I had to explain my behavior to Edward in a way he would understand and accept.

"Did I ever tell you that my ex-boyfriend dumped me while I was in the hospital recovering?"

Edward's jaw went taut and his eyes hardened. "He broke up with you while you were in the hospital?"

"Yes. Charlie called to tell him what happened and he arrived after I woke up from the coma. He stuck around for a day or so before he finally told me it was over and he wasn't interested in being with me anymore."

"Asshole," Edward spat.

I shrugged. "He had to do what was right for him, I suppose, even if his timing sucked."

Edward was incredulous. "You aren't mad at him?"

I shook my head. "I was at the time, but now I'm over it. I can't blame him for not wanting to stick around. My recovery wasn't pretty. I wasn't the same person that he once knew."

"He didn't even stick around long enough to find out who you were, Bella! He should've been there for you, even if it was just as a friend! Who the fuck breaks up with someone they love while they're fucking lying in a hospital bed after suffering from a near fatal accident?"

I did not want to go there; remembering would cause nothing but grief. The nightmares always came if I thought too much about it. I had managed to snap myself out of recalling the accident as the months went on, but talking about it for more than a minute or so always caused them to happen.

Time to change the subject.

"Look, we're not having a conversation about Joe and his break-up techniques. The reason I'm telling you this is to explain why last night was so overwhelming for me. Joe and I were last…intimate…the night before I left for Florida. We were apart for almost six weeks when … you know. Then we broke up."

I knew my face was burning and I ran my free hand through my hair roughly. Edward squeezed the hand he was holding, but said nothing, allowing me to pull it together.

"Ugh! This is so much harder to talk about than I thought! Anyway, no boyfriend for the last six months has meant there's been no sex. I panicked last night because no one has seen me naked for almost a year. No one has looked at me or touched me in a sexual way in a long time. I got overwhelmed thinking you would be the first…and what you would do when you realized that there are parts of my body that are…ugly."

"Oh, baby." Edward reached for me, but I held him off with my hand.

"Let me get through this, okay?" He leaned back, but I could tell he wasn't happy about it. When I was sure he wasn't going to pull me toward him, I continued.

"I want you, Edward, so much. All you have to do is touch me and I feel like I'm going to burst into flames. But I'm scared to death of possibly being rejected. That you'll see my scars and they'll turn you off so much that you'll walk away from me. I don't think I could handle it if you did. What you make me feel is so good, so wonderful, that I'm terrified that I'll lose it."

"I'm not going anywhere, Bella. I've waited much too long for you and wanted you for far too long to walk away now. No amount of scars or panic attacks is going to push me away. I'm in this for the long haul."

"I know that…in my heart. My head is having a harder time catching up."

"Can I hold you now?" Edward asked, almost vibrating with emotion.

I nodded and he immediately gathered me up into his embrace.

"I'll wait. For however long it takes, I will wait for your head to catch up with your heart. I will wait for you forever."

Over the last month, he was patient and he was kind. Edward let me know in all the ways he could imagine that I was important to him and he wasn't going anywhere. He called when he said he was going to, he told me every day how beautiful I was and how happy I made him. He made normal, everyday things special. Sometimes I would wake up to a song he picked out on my iHome. He'd send me flirty texts throughout the day – some would tell me how much he missed me, others would hint at the things he'd like to be doing when we were alone. It didn't matter what he did; it just mattered that he took the time to let me know how much he cared for and wanted me.

As time wore on, our physical relationship did not progress much beyond some heavy petting and long, intense make-out sessions. My body screamed to allow him access to all of me, to have him naked and hard against me, yet my mind rebelled. I couldn't believe that Edward wouldn't run once he saw just how scarred I was. After all, Joe had promised to love me forever and he left without seeing the extensive damage left from the accident. How could I hope that Edward would stick around once he saw that I wasn't the perfect, beautiful person he thought I was?

I was afraid that if I didn't give in to what my body wanted and what Edward wanted, I would lose him. My heart told me I was being dumb, but my head was a different story. I couldn't seem to convince that part of me that he was here to stay. Maybe because my head knew all the things I was keeping from Edward, all the ways I was trying to be normal when I felt anything but.

I would cry in the shower some mornings because the thought of going out there and facing my students, my colleagues, even the barista at the local coffee shop, filled me with dread.

It took anywhere from five to ten minutes each day to psych myself up to put the key in the ignition of my car so I could drive to work. If I had a nightmare the night before, it might take twenty minutes for me to even get in the car. I would've walked to work if it weren't so damn far.

I was exhausted all the time. Between trying to act normal and do normal things and just feeling generally lethargic, I had very little energy to want to do anything. Nights when Edward was working were spent in bed, sleeping or watching TV. I hadn't touched a book to read for pleasure in months, when it used to be my greatest joy.

Guilt still played a huge part in my life. There were moments that I would go to pick up my phone to call my mom and check in on her, only to remember that she wasn't there to call. One day I cried for ten minutes and was late to class because C.C. left the radio on in the office and I heard James Taylor's "Fire and Rain." Mom had loved J.T. and the song not only reminded me of her, but also of my loss.

Some days I worried about how dark and empty I felt inside. I wondered if something was truly wrong with me, if I was going to drown in this dark abyss.

The happier times came when I was with Edward. He helped me feel like my old self, a Bella who was carefree and joyful. There were times I had to pretend, but for the most part the pretending came true and I really felt lighter and untroubled.

One of the more memorable, happier moments came just a few days after the date. Edward worked a seventy-two hour shift that week, starting Sunday and getting out early Wednesday morning. He came right to mine and Alice's place to crash, not even moving when I got up around ten. He slept through Alice and me cleaning the apartment, preparing for Esme and Carlisle's visit that weekend. He didn't even flinch when Alice ran the vacuum right outside my bedroom door – with the door open. The two of us giggled over how tired he was, but I decided to shut the door and leave him alone when Alice told me that she remembered Edward never being happy about being woken up before he was ready.

Things with Alice were better. She still hadn't spoken to me about what was bothering her, and I didn't push. Maybe I should have, but she truly seemed fine after I returned from spending the rest of the weekend at Edward and Emmett's. She was cheerful, going on about floor samples and hiring a glass company to come in and replace the front windows and door. I listened with half an ear, trying to pick up any awkwardness within her or between us, but couldn't find any. I chalked my previous worry up to my overactive imagination and decided to let it go. I would approach her if I noticed something off later.

The apartment was clean and Alice and I were relaxing in front of the TV when Edward finally stumbled from my bedroom. His hair was in disarray and he had pillowcase marks creased into his left cheek. I couldn't help but smile when I saw him. Ali rolled her eyes, but didn't get up to leave like I thought she might. Instead she giggled when Edward came over, picked me up and sat down where I had been sitting. I started to read him the riot act when he grabbed me around my waist and pulled me down on top of him. I sat on his lap for almost an hour, the three of us talking about this and that. We finally decided to get up and shower, before meeting back to decide on what to do for dinner. We ended up ordering Chinese and playing Family Feud on the Wii. The atmosphere was laid back and comfortable.

Normal.

The next few days pretty much the same way, although Alice did make herself scarce more often than not. Sometimes I would see a wistful smile cross her face as she gazed at Edward and I – we were usually attached at the hip – and then it would be gone so quickly that I wasn't sure it had ever been there at all.

Carlisle and Esme arrived in Seattle on Friday evening, bringing love and greetings from Charlie. Edward had to work all weekend, so we all met for a quick, casual dinner before he hugged his parents and siblings, gave me a long, lingering kiss and left for work.

Alice and I spent the weekend with Carlisle and Esme, who were staying at the Pan Pacific once again. Saturday saw the four of us at Alice's shop, with Esme helping her make decisions about the décor and Carlisle doing any heavy lifting – or measuring – that was necessary. I had tagged along for a little while, but excused myself after only an hour with the excuse that I had work to do before I started my job that coming Monday.

But when I got back to the apartment, instead of working, I slept. I only woke up when I heard Alice, Esme and Carlisle return to pick me up for dinner.

I had a panic attack the Monday morning I started my job and for the first time, I had to take the pills Edward had prescribed for me when I had gone to the hospital with my sprained ankle. I was afraid how they were going to make me feel, but I had no choice – I had to go to work and the only thing that was going to get me there was medication. Afraid to drive, I took a cab, hoping Alice wouldn't notice that I left my car behind.

So began the routine. I woke up, went to work – without medication, luckily – and came home. If Edward was off, we did something together. Sometimes we just made dinner together and watched TV before bed. Other times we went down to Ali's shop and dragged her out for dinner with Emmett and Rose.

We had our second "official" date two weeks after our first date. This time Edward took me indoor miniature golfing. We had a good time until I lost my grip on my club and it flew over and knocked a fifteen-year old in the head. Luckily, he was fine and had no problem accepting my apologies; it probably didn't hurt that I paid for his game, as well as two more extra ones.

At least it saved my butt from getting sued.

Edward even managed to wait until we got into the car before he started laughing. I sat next to him stone-faced, finding nothing funny about the situation. Eventually he realized I was mad and calmed down enough to lean over and kiss it better.

We spent the rest of the night parked in front of my building, making out like two teenagers in the backseat. Thankfully, no cops came by to ruin the moment.

That had been the last "real" date that we had. Most of the time we stayed in, either at his place or mine, and sometimes his siblings joined us. While I considered these "real" dates too, Edward did not.

Hence, such the big freaking deal for our one-month anniversary.

Edward had the whole weekend off and wouldn't tell me a thing about what he had planned. He enlisted Alice's help and the two of them had spent the last few days whispering like conspirators, never letting me know what they were up to. I begged Alice to tell me, but all she would do is giggle and tell me I'd just have to wait.

Pixie traitor.

Knowing I couldn't put it off any longer, I turned off my computer, grabbed my bag and stood. I straightened my shoulders and pasted a smile on my face.

I hoped that by the time I arrived home, it would be real.