AL6 - Rest in peace to my own father. My father lost his battle with cancer on April 6th 2023. We shared a complicated relationship that was often tumultuous. He was either in my corner or boxing me into a corner. My own heart is aching as I remember the good, and the not so good times we shared. That's the thing about grief, the good always outweighs the bad and it makes it hurt more.
This chapter was difficult to write, as my own feelings about my own relationship kept coming to the surface, in my own grief. Like Tim, I too shared a difficult relationship with my father. I know what it is like not to be good enough in the eyes of my father. Especially for something as simple as just being who I am. I know what it is like to be a disappointment to a father. I know what it's like to have a father who values everything above his own children and as adult, how their actions can alter your perceptions of yourself and your life. But his failings have taught me how to be a better parent to my own child.
Special thanks to Momcat and BeBoy, you two have been my rock throughout this journey of grief for me and my family. You've both helped keep my head on straight and made me feel not so alone in my grief. Thank-you is not enough to convey my gratitude for your unwavering love and support. Thanks to Astrahan for your condolences in your DM, it's wonderful to know that we all apart of this wonderful, supportive online community.
Tim awoke to Gibbs shaking him. He was embarrassed to find out that he had fallen asleep in the Director's office, but Gibbs had reassured him that it was only for a minute. Looking at clock on the wall, Tim groaned. It may have been a minute, but a whole sixty of them had past. It was an hour later. "Relax Tim, you needed it." Gibbs and Leon had both reassured the young team leader that it was OK.
Gibbs had taken advantage of the fact that McGee had fallen asleep in the Director's office. He had gone back downstairs and gathered his team, Ducky, Abby and Jimmy and given them all a stern talking to. He would have liked to single out the particular culprits, but that would have taken too much of his time up. He had lectured them about scuttlebutt and the power that rumours have. He reminded them about confidentiality, that it was built into their employment contract and part of their security clearance. Before he spoke of respect and teamwork. Teamwork, at an agency level, as a whole. Then he spoke of basic human empathy, before he dropped the bomb on them, that in case they didn't know, Tim was in town, briefly.
Tony flinched when he realised that he was the cause of this impromptu meeting, well one of the causes. Abby. She was always an antagonist for McGee. 'If McGee wasn't in trouble and didn't screw up, then what the hell was he doing back in DC.' Tony thought to himself.
Then Gibbs dropped the bomb, so to speak. "When you check your email next, you'll see a joint statement from both the Secretary of the Navy and the Director of NCIS. Admiral John McGee lost his battle with cancer earlier in the week. Do not answer any questions, if a member of the press calls you. Direct all calls to the Director. Under no circumstances are you to give them Tim's contact details. He has enough on his plate, right now without having to deal with the media, as well."
"I really am an asshole." Tony muttered, but the room was silent, but the whole room heard him. Tony had felt guilty about his words and how they may have affected his one-time probie.
"What did you do?!" Ziva exclaimed in anger, pulling a paperclip from her pocket. Ziva had heard he was in the building and had been devastated to hear that she had missed her friend's first visit back to the Navy yard since his new posting.
"He was being Tony, Ziva." Gibbs explained with a glare in the direction of his SFA's way. "Am I understood?" he asked, seeing that no one had answered him, he was beginning to get mad.
"Crystal clear, boss." Ellie answered. She didn't know Tim very well. But they had spoken, both over the phone and in MTAC. Sure, she had heard things from Tony and Abby. But she had also heard the occasional tidbit from Gibbs, Ducky, Jimmy and Ziva. She was more inclined to believe the latter over the former.
Finding Tim awake and ready to leave, Gibbs escorted him out of the building. Not before briefly stopping by the bullpen to retrieve their weapons. "Look man, I'm sorry about the wisecrack, before."
"Sure you are, Tony." McGee replied. It had sounded snarkier than he had intended but Tony's apology hadn't sounded that genuine to him, either. He prayed that this was the last time the he would cross paths with Tony on this trip. He didn't have the mental energy to deal with the juvenile, lothario agent.
Back at Gibbs' house that evening, after a stop for a lengthy dinner at the diner, Tim opened his laptop, he needed to check in with his team. He quickly calculated the time difference before shooting Tamika, his PA an email requesting all of his staff for a video conference in ten minutes.
Within ten minutes of sending the email, Tim was hitting the call button. Only to find Tamika by herself in the office. "How are you holding up, Tim?" She asked, as soon as she saw Tim's face on the screen.
"As good as can be expected. Where is everyone?" Tim asked, seeing the empty office.
"The girls are over at VICPOL checking the VICAP data bases with local and federal officers to eliminate a copycat, Bools and Sanchez are following leads at the HMAS Cerberus Australian Naval base on the other side of the bay and Price is with Brianna, over at the local courts. They're petitioning a judge for a search warrant on the victim's phone records."
"That's good work, Tamika." Tim grinned at her. "Have Yates telephone me when she gets in. I will be awake until 1230 Australian Eastern Standard Time."
"Righty roo." Tamika grinned at him, trying to cheer him up. She could see her boss' grief etched into his face. "Take care of you."
"Righty roo?" Gibbs smirked at Tim, as soon as Tim severed the connection. Gibbs couldn't help but note that she must be the local girl, his P.A. "She's perky. Is that your P.A? The local girl?"
"Yeah." Tim smiled at him and he couldn't help but feel like Gibbs was insinuating more than usual with his simple questioning. "All of our office girls are all great."
"That's good, Tim." Gibbs grinned at him. "Eventually you will get the team sorted out and spend more time at that desk of yours, running things than out in the field. You need a good support team in place."
Tim slept restlessly and he felt horrible the next day. He couldn't even say that he slept in fits, because that would require his mind to be able to settle. Gibbs had heard Tim moving around repeatedly and wondered if his young friend had managed any sleep at all. Penny and Sarah would be arriving in town today. Gibbs knew that it would be highly probable that Tim would go with Penny and Sarah to stay at Penny's home in Reston now that his family were also stateside.
Gibbs had waved Tim off three days ago and he hadn't seen Tim since. Sure he had checked in with the man via telephone calls everyday, but he hadn't seen his young friend face to face since the day that Penny and Sarah had arrived back in town.
The day of Admiral John McGee's service had been oppressive. The wind had been howling and the rain had pelted down. But that didn't keep the crowds away. Tim, his grandmother and his sister sat in the back of the black town car, hoping the rain would ease, as guests slowly trickled onto the perfectly manicured lawn of the Arlington National Cemetery. Finally encouraging the girls to leave the shelter of the town car, Tim lead his grandmother and his sister, one on each arm, to their appointed spots at the graveside.
Gibbs watched from his vantage point, as Tim stiffly escorted his sister and his grandmother to the front of the graveside. Both ladies keeping close to Tim, under the big golf umbrella he held, as he shielded all three of them from the rain. Breena and her team at the Slater funeral home had truly outdone themselves. A large undercover gazebo nearby for the mourner's to escape the weather and the decorations were tasteful and on point for a man of his military position and stature.
The mourners had began their onslaught of expressing their condolences to the grieving McGee family. Friends, extended family, foreign diplomats, politicians, senators and even the Secretary of the Navy and Secretary of Defence. Gibbs stood in line with Leon and was surprised to see Tony, Ziva, Ducky, Jimmy and Ellie fall in line behind him. He hadn't expected his team to be here, but he was surprised. He caught the look on Tony's face and gave him an approving look. It was an easily recognisable look. A look of remorse.
Other members of the agency were mingling around as Tim stood stoically by his grandmother and his sister and received the congregation's condolences. Breena would be directly the service, with the actual service to be lead by a Naval chaplain. As the line moved swiftly, Gibbs offered his grandmother Penny, his personal condolences first. Which he had already done the day that she had come into town, before he moved on to Tim.
Tim had been stoic, silent and supportive, but seeing Gibbs had made him falter slightly and it almost broke his resolve. "Sorry for your loss, Tim." Gibbs mumbled into his ear, as he hugged his friend and his former subordinate in a comforting, paternal hug. He made sure to hold Tim, just a bit tighter than usual to let him know that no matter what, he wasn't alone.
"Thank you." Was Tim's reply, as he gave Gibbs a final look and moved on to the next mourner, surprised to see Tony and the rest of his former team, plus his replacement behind Gibbs. Ziva had made sure to kiss his cheek too, just as Ducky had held him tightly, like Gibbs and Tony had. Ellie had shook his hand and offered her condolences, saying she had heard great things about his father. He could only imagine what she had really heard, especially from Ducky, Gibbs, Tony and Ziva.
Tim couldn't tell you the words that the minister had shared with the congregation or even what Sarah Porter had said, when she spoke of his naval career. Tim spoke on behalf of his grandmother and his sister. Speaking of only the good times they shared. He spoke of travelling the world, as they moved from base to base with his father. Places like Okinawa, Tokyo, Pearl Harbor, Alameda, Rome, New York, Seattle, Rhode Island, Connecticut, Naples, Great Lakes, Florida, Cubic Point and Sagnot Bay in the Philippines, Maryland, Bahrain and San Diego. About the time his father built him a sand box for his fifth birthday and he loved it so much, that he fell right asleep in it. About how his father taught him about love, loyalty and the sacrifices you make for one's country. Finally Tim spoke of how his father encouraged him to spread his wings and to take the job that he was offered.
A song chosen by Tim and Sarah, depicting their love for the complex and complicated Admiral played while Breena projected photos of the Admiral's life against the white wall of the gazebo. Tim kept his composure throughout the service and comforted his sister and grandmother, as they shed their tears.
After the song, the Minister invited everyone to walk over, the hundred yards or so tot he graveside for the interment of John McGee into his final resting place. His only son, dressed in his best black suit, crisp white shirt and onyx black tie, along with five other military personnel of approximately John's age, dressed in their navy blues, carried his coffin to his graveside, as Sarah and Penny huddled close to one another following along.
Breena discreetly waved to Gibbs and Ducky to slip out the side flap, knowing the men wanted to help Tim out and Ducky took Penny by the arm, as Gibbs stepped up and offered Sarah his arm. Sarah immediately clung to him and held on tight. She was relieved to see Gibbs.
The rain had died down, the skies were still overcast and the wind was still blowing a gale. As Tim slipped away, one of the important duties as the Admiral's son completed, Tim shook Ducky and Gibbs' hand in thanks for them, taking care of his sister and grandmother. The formal stuff for the military traditions took place and when requested, Tim stepped forward to receive the flag that had draped his father's coffin. The taps was played, followed by a gun salute and the lowering of his father's casket into the ground.
Tim's composure faltered again, as he watched his father be lowered into the ground. He felt three hands on his back and one on his shoulder. He knew by the feel of the one on his shoulder, it was Gibbs. But he managed to keep a tight rein on his feelings and only let a few tears fall.
With the service concluded, the servicemen and civilian mourner's scattered as the rain picked up again. Ducky had escorted Penny back to the gazebo and Tim looked up to see Tony and Ziva envelope his little sister into their embrace and take her out of the rain, as Ellie followed beside them dutifully.
"Beautiful service, McGee." Vance said softly. He hadn't had a chance to speak with Tim since he had been running late and had arrived just as the service had begun.
"Thank you, Director." Tim said, not looking up from where he stood, looking at his father's headstone. Gibbs gave Vance a look that clearly dismissed the agency director.
"Tim?" Gibbs asked tentatively, taking a step towards the younger man. When Tim looked up at him, he could see his grief in his eyes. His eyes were crying and Tim hadn't bothered to wipe his tears away. Even though things between them had been difficult. He was hurt that he had lost his father. "It's going to be ok." he comforted the young man he had watched grow. He pulled Tim into a paternal, comforting hug and held on tight as Gibbs let Tim ride out the storm in his arms. Gibbs had suspected that Tim hadn't taken the time to let himself grieve the loss of his father properly. He probably hadn't let it sink in as he made plans to get himself back to DC. Once he was here, he went into planning and preparation mode, before Penny and Sarah arrived and he immediately slipped into a caretaker role, forgetting about his own grieve in the process.
It was late, after 2300 hours, when Tim let himself into Gibbs' basement. Sarah had long passed out, in true McGee tradition being a lightweight. Penny had passed out about an hour later, but that was total exhaustion, not alcohol. Tim had drank two tumblers of his father's favourite scotch and packed the rest away. The last thing Sarah needed was more alcohol.
His father hadn't wanted a wake, just wanted a small quiet family get together, just his most closest family members. Therefore; Penny, Sarah and Tim. They drank and reminisced about everything they could remember and Penny told storied of their father, as a child, himself. Tim hoped that his father was proud of him, for being the man and stepping up. Delivering his final wishes to a tee.
As Tim slipped into the basement, where Gibbs was working away on an old engine, Tim took a seat, three steps up from the foot of the staircase. Gibbs had been tracking Tim's movements through the house and had heard Tim stop at the refrigerator for a beer. Something that Gibbs had restocked tonight, in anticipation. He knew Tim too well and knew that his former probie would be stopping by.
He had held Tim close to him after the mourners had left and he felt the younger man's body as it let the grip of his emotions falter. Tim had done suck a good job of holding his emotions in, but even Gibbs knew that he needed to let his emotions go, even if it was just for a minute. He needed to let himself grieve. Gibbs hoped and preyed to his beloved wife and daughter up above, that was why the younger man had stopped by so late tonight tonight. "Penny and Sarah are leaving in the morning. Back to their adventures." Tim announced into the void of basement, where Gibbs was silently working out his own feelings on the old inboard marine engine. "Leaving me to deal with his estate and lawyer tomorrow afternoon."
Gibbs dropped the wrench he had in his hand back into his tool box and set aside the water inlet air cooler that he had been repairing on the four stroke, six cylinder engine he was planning to install in his boat, if he could ever repair the water inlet air cooler. "Oh, Tim." Gibbs sympathsised with him, as he poured the younger man a mason jar with a healthy swig of bourbon. He knew Tim needed something stronger than the beer he had already downed before he came down stairs. "How are you feeling about that?"
"Relieved." Tim said, enjoying the burn of the liquor on the back of his throat. "Sarah has been arguing and fighting me at every turn and honestly, I don't have the mental strength to deal with her for much longer. Dad didn't have much and he was living at Penny's home, so there's no real estate to divide. Probably a few small bequeaths and small inheritance for both of us."
"Sounds pretty straight forward." Gibbs murmured, looking at how tired his young friend really looked. "You never did say much about how you left things with him."
"He told me he was proud of me. Proud of me for following my dreams and sticking to my guns." Tim admitted in a small voice. "He begged me to take the job in Australia. He even made peace with me not joining the navy. Eventually. We spoke on the phone once, not long after I arrived and he made me promise to stay there because I was out of my team's shadow and shining."
"That's a stark contrast to the Admiral we met on board the USS Borealis." Gibbs smirked at him. "I guess facing death made the man evaluate his life."
"We've both been there before. Can't say that facing death isn't a scary prospect." Tim agreed with his former boss' assessment of the situation. "He told me he wasn't afraid of dying, just afraid of missing the future."
"You're always afraid of missing the future when you have kids, Tim." Gibbs told him, feeling paternal over the young man whom had just buried his father. "When I lost Kelly, I lost my future. When I met you, Ziva and Tony; all of a sudden, my future appeared again. Gave me a reason to try and stay here. To fight my way back when I am injured."
"You think of us as kids?" Tim asked, astonished that Gibbs had actually verbalised his thoughts. "I know you'd go toe to toe with anyone to have our six and you have."
"Well yeah, McGee." Gibbs grinned at him. "You boys and Ziva are everything to me. Somehow you three slipped past my carefully constructed walls and slipped into that spot."
"Thanks boss." Tim grinned at him, as he downed the last of the bourbon in his glass. Tim handed the glass to Gibbs and thanked him for the glass, as he made his way up the stairs.
"Hey McGee?" Gibbs called out, halting Tim at the top of the stairs. "For what it's worth, I am proud of you and the work you're doing, too."
Tim gave Gibbs a nod in acknowledgement as he left for the evening, wanting to make his way back to Penny's before one of them noticed that he had gone AWOL.