Sorry this took so long. I've had writer's block. YUCK! Anyway I'm not entirely happy with it. Puck is a tad OOC...I don't maybe it works. LMK what you think! I love to hear from you :)
~heart
Chapter 2
Two weeks after writing myself that fucking embarrassing note, I am out of jail and standing in front of a mirror in the boys locker room, freezing cold, red colored slushy dripping down my face and all over my clothes. For the first time in a really long time, I'm honestly fighting the urge to cry. But not because of humiliation, though there is certainly a fuck ton of it…but because as I was getting this facial dropped over the top of my newly shaved head, Finn was standing about twenty feet away watching.
Watching!
When I had come in this morning, I did everything I could to be as inconspicuous as possible. It felt as if everyone were staring at me, silently saying "Hey look at that loser. He just got out of Juvenile Detention for trying to rob a convenient store!"
First of all, that isn't what happened.
I was with some friends after a party, drinking myself stupid trying to forget about Beth, when they had the grand idea to go get some cigarettes from the 7/11. I went along cause I had nothing better to do, and one of them drove the car through the window cause the place was closed for repairs or some shit. The ATM fell through the windshield, and the guys scattered, but not before placing unconscious me in the driver's seat. So when the police showed up, with my record, they just assumed it was me.
And the fact that I couldn't remember enough of that night added to my lack of credibility, so I got left holding the bag.
But I've decided not to dwell on it too much. Juvie was hell, but I can forget about it if everyone let's me. So I made it my mission to just ride with the wave and be under the radar…not draw attention to myself. As I got to my locker, I spotted Finn chatting with some blonde dude I didn't know, and I was instantly jealous. Why wasn't Finn coming over to talk to me? Didn't he miss me at all?
And then I heard my name called before SPLASH! Slushy facial all over me. Finn turned his head when I made a noise of surprise at the cold, and our eyes met (mine stinging from the corn syrup).
So many thoughts flew through my head, mostly centered on how Finn must hate me so much he doesn't even bother saying anything to defend me, or in encouragement to me…he just simply turns around with his normally cute pinchy face before walking off. I had never felt so dirty before in my whole life. Not only was I covered in slush, for no other reason than Azimio deciding I needed to be welcomed back properly, but the man I've wanted my whole life to truly notice me made the decision I was completely not worth his time.
Which brings me back to why I'm standing in the locker room (hiding out) and sniffling like a god damn school girl…or Rachel.
I snort. Okay so that was really kinda mean. Rachel's surprisingly has been the only one to act like she gave a damn about whether or not I'm okay since coming back this morning. After, of course, she gave me an earful over leaving the team sans one important member and risking our chance of winning; but she's Rachel, I honestly expected that.
After ten minutes of letting myself wallow in self pity, I decide it's probably time for me to clean up. I curse when I realize I don't have a fucking change of clothes. Shit.
FP~FP~FP
Three hours later sees me at lunch time, eating on the bleachers out in the field. With the exception of Rachel, nobody has really said anything to me at all, and it kills me even more inside when the same holds true for Finn. You know, even though a lot has gone wrong between him and I, I would have thought that at the very least he would ask me if I was okay. Or try and clarify what actually happened that night. Even the night Quinn and I had sex.
He doesn't know the whole story, my conscious screams. He can't hate me because he doesn't know the truth.
And he doesn't want to know.
He made that perfectly clear months ago.
I pull my knees up to my chin as I feel a light drizzle on my face. I've always like the rain. It's calming. But I hate thunderstorms. Mom's boyfriends always used to do…stuff during thunderstorms. Because then Mom would be drunk enough that any noise I made would be blocked out by the lightening and winds. This thought makes me bite my lip and shake my head miserably.
Finn has every right to hate me. I hate me. I'm a horrible, disgusting human being.
"Any reason why you're outside while a storm's brewing, Puck?" It's Mr. Shuester. Somehow I figured he'd wanna talk to me soon.
I shrug. "Any reason you're out here asking me about it?"
So yeah, it's bitchy, but I feel pretty bitchy. Mr. Shuester just draws his lips inward from amusement. Guess he's used to my smart ass comments.
"Glad to see your sense of humor hasn't changed." He sits next me, and I shift. Peeved.
"Who says I'm being humorous?" I shoot back and drop my knees, trying to puff myself up a little more. If he pushes me too far, I'll run.
He doesn't respond, just looks at me glaring at him. Then I break the contact. Mr. Shue has like Jedi mind-reading powers, and my mind is closed off to everyone. I don't need him prying.
"How are you, Noah, really? I've been watching you today, you look really depressed."
This makes me laugh in disbelief. "I just got out of Juvie only to be publicly humiliated in front of the whole student body and then all of my so called friends act as if I don't even exist." I glance at him in derision, "If it were you, how would you feel?"
"Like I'd wanna talk to someone about it." He answers seriously. I look away.
"I've got a court appointed therapist, but thanks." I sound snotty, but it doesn't seem to affect him in any way. He just looks ahead.
We're silent for a while, and distantly I hear the warning bell. I don't care though, it's my free period anyway.
"We've missed you, Noah." His voice is so soft, I barely hear it. He looks over at me. "Finn missed you."
I gasp as I look into his knowing face. There's no judgment, just a fatherly sincerity that makes me almost sick with mortification. I stand up and gather my things, it's too much. Too close. Schue has no right calling me out like that. And worse, what if Finn… I turn around and send him a hateful look that I swear has him shift uncomfortably. "I wish people would leave me the hell alone. You don't know me, and you never will! And don't you ever call me Noah! When in the fuck have you earned the right? You aren't my father, and I didn't ask you to pretend to be. So fuck off, Schue." Briefly I feel like I sound like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum, but fuck it.
As I start to storm off, I hear his sigh and call of, "But I could get to know you if you'd talk to me, Puck."
This makes me stop. Usually people give up after I tell them to back off, so why doesn't he? I half turn back to see his face. He actually looks like he cares, it makes my stomach drop. I turn back around and glare at the ground, but the fight in me left. "Just leave it, Mr. Shue."
I feel him come to stand beside me, and not for the first time, do I notice that he's slightly shorter. He begins to speak, but I cut him off. "Please," I don't care if begging isn't badass. The last thing I need right now is for an outside party to get involved in my fucked life.
I only need Finn. But Finn hates me, so I need no one.
Mr. Shue finally lets me go, and I sigh in relief. Some things are better left alone. I'm better alone. And walking away from those bleachers, backpack slung over my shoulder, rain falling at a steadier pace, miserable letter to myself stuffed in my back pocket to remind why I'm a loser, and insides all twisted around in knots…I definitely feel alone.
FP~FP~FP
For the rest of day I kinda wander. No direction, really, just bobbing and weaving teachers so they don't ask why I'm not in class. Eventually I wind up sitting in the auditorium. For some reason, this has always been the one place I feel safe. Maybe it's because of the stage. When you're on stage, no matter how much everyone hates you, they can't reach you. So you're free to just…be, I guess.
I don't know I'm shit for philosophical reasonings.
I get up to sit on the bench behind the piano. Only Finn knows I play. Really because his mom forced him to take classes, not that he ever did anything with it, and I happened to be grouped into the same one as him. It was fate or something, cause that's how we met. He couldn't figure out even basic scales worked and the teacher was always yelling at him, so I showed him because I knew how awful it felt to be yelled at by an adult.
"She's the dummy," I had told him, "sometimes it can be really hard."
I smiled at the face he'd given me after that.
I look down into the keys, touching them with an airy finger. It's been awhile, but…
I tap out a G chord, smiling at the booming it released throughout the large room. Wow, it really has been a long time. Clearing my throat, I tap out some keys, letting the world fade away solely focusing on my fingers and closing my eyes. I can almost feel a crowd watching me with interest. It fills my heart with joy.
I hum and start.
He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
I don't know why I chose this song, but it just feels right. Getting bolder I increase my volume.
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain't right
It just ain't right
I imagine Finn, and my joy turns to sorrow. Inflicting the tone of the words, my eyes welling up, even with them closed.
Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
And I guess that's the question, right? Holding on to the fantasy. Will it only hurt me too?
He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
He really is.
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him?
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tight
But I don't know if I can. So instead of trying to I put heart behind belting the words out as much as I can.
Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
I play for a minute without singing, letting my emotions just guide me and take me where I want the music to go.
I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long
I hear a door open, but I don't stop. Just soften, playing out what I feel is right. I also hear footsteps, and tears begin to spill over.
He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take
Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
He's beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
[Fading]
Beautiful
(Beautiful disaster)
Beautiful disaster
With the final chord I break down, softly sobbing, ignoring the person calling my name. The voice is so familiar.
Thank you for reading, please review no matter how you feel about it! I apreciate all comments!