Thanks to those that left me a review! I do seriously appreciate it. Here is a longer chapter. Hopefully I can maintain the updating on a regular basis, but I at least wanted to get a few chapters out quickly since there is a lot of story to set up.
Also, anyone see the new preview for season 2? Stoked! :) Crossing my fingers Paige will be back soon! xx
Chapter Three
"Oh my god, she's amazing, guys!" Hanna gloated as the girls gathered around her at a table in Findlay, the dining hall, eating a late lunch. "Her names Lenny, it's short for Eleanor, but she hates when people call her that. She's from near Philly too. And you'll never believe it. She actually has more Fendis than I do," she announced gleefully.
"Oh, lord," Spencer rolled her eyes, laughing.
"Plus, she wants to rush Kappa Delta," Hanna added victoriously.
Emily and Spencer laughed together as Hanna finished up telling them about her move-in day, which as for as Emily was concerned, obviously went much better than hers. Hanna and her roommate were on their way to being fast friends, while Emily still didn't even know Paige's last name. She could hardly deny that it made her feel defeated, but she would never say so. She would hate to ruin Hanna's spirits.
"Sounds like a match made in heaven," Spencer responded, shaking her head at Hanna's luck to find her carbon copy in a roommate.
Hanna reached across the table, grabbing Emily's forearm. "I really wish you were rushing with me though, Em."
Emily smirked. "Yeah, but you want to join a sorority to meet boys."
Hanna shrugged a shoulder and smiled. "There are girls in sororities," she explained suggestively.
"She already has a girl," Spencer responded defensively.
Emily turned her head instantly. "Thank you, Spencer." She rolled her eyes playfully. "I could have said that."
"Sorry!" Spencer replied, lifting her hands in innocence.
Emily shook her head and laughed before turning back to Hanna. "Honestly, Hanna, if I even had time, maybe I'd consider it. But you know I'm going to be in the pool all the time."
"Well, you better at least save some time for moi," Hanna insisted.
"Same goes for you, Miss Kappa Delta," Emily teased.
Hanna tilted her head, considering the title, twirling her straw in the air. "It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?" she asked, breaking into a smile.
Spencer and Emily both rolled their eyes at each other and laughed.
Later, when they all had finished eating, Hanna pulled out her iPhone and dialed Aria's number, putting them all on FaceTime. Aria picked after two quick rings.
"My girls!" Aria squealed as her face appeared on the iPhone screen. Hanna shrieked in return as Emily and Spencer said hello and waved.
After a few moments catching up on the day up at Penn State, the conversation turned to Aria and Ezra as she began to describe their current pressing decision.
"We found a place, but we still haven't decided," Aria explained, referring to the prospect of moving in with Ezra. By now, they had been together for over two years and despite some rocky bits when they finally told the world about their relationship, things had been smooth sailing. Aria was at Hollis while Ezra was still teaching and writing, and they'd agreed that Aria would never again be one of his students, even if it was allowed.
Emily leaned into view to get a better look. "What did your parents say when you told them?" she asked curiously.
Aria winced. "I haven't yet. That's kind of the problem."
"What are you going to do?" Spencer pushed as Hanna flashed her a look that said to chill out. Emily laughed beside them at the interaction. She would miss this.
"I don't know," Aria responded, shrugging. "I told Ezra they would probably be okay with it."
"Probably?" Emily asked, a doubtful look on her face.
"Probably not," Spencer countered adamantly.
"They might?" Aria said hopefully.
Spencer flashed the screen image of Aria a look that said everything.
"I know, I know," Aria frowned. "They are going to completely have a heart attack. But I gotta tell them. Plus, they don't exactly have a say. I mean, what will they do? Revoke my free tuition?" Aria suggested sarcastically, referring to the fact that as a child of a faculty member, she was able to attend Hollis free of charge, another added perk of staying in town.
"Don't give 'em any ideas, Aria," Hanna teased.
Aria shook her head and laughed. The girls continued chatting for some time, catching up on on move in day and Spencer's preparation to move to Philly before finally saying their goodbyes to Aria, not without a promise that she would visit soon.
As the sun started its decent over the horizon, covering the lush green campus in a warm wash of gold, the girls began heading back to Emily's dorm. Hanna and Spencer chatted beside her, while Emily became lost in her thoughts.
Earlier in the day, before Spencer had arrived, Emily had considered calling Maya, but decided a text would be better. It was, after all, Maya's move in day too, and she had wanted her to have a chance to get settled in.
Reaching to pull it from her pocket, Emily glanced at her phone again. It had been four hours since she had sent Maya a message, and she still hadn't heard back. She frowned but tried to shrug it off. She figured it was a busy day and that they would talk when they had a chance. It wasn't that Emily didn't understand that this was a big change they were going to be adjusting too, living on opposite sides of the country. She knew it would be tough, but she was willing to do whatever it took to make it work. Yet, at the same time, it didn't mean she didn't miss Maya desperately.
When they reached the East Halls, Emily hugged Spencer tightly to say goodbye and made plans to meet up with Hanna later that night to attend a school-sponsored mixer they were putting on for the incoming freshman. Hanna still had mounds of unpacking to do, and Emily thought maybe she'd lie down for a few. It'd been a crazy day, and she was finally feeling the heaviness of exhaustion weighing on her body.
After they parted ways, Emily made the trek up the flight of stairs of Brumbaugh. She unlocked her door and was surprised to find the room dark and empty. She didn't even bother turning on the lights before lying down on her bed. She fell asleep within minutes.
Emily was just stirring, clicking on the lamp near her bed, when she heard the door unlock and creak open. She looked up to the doorway to see Paige stepping in cautiously, her eyes wide with seeming surprise to find Emily there. She lingered in the doorway a moment, her hand still on the knob, their eyes fixed on each other.
"Hey," Paige finally said as she shut the door behind her.
Emily smiled at her. "Hey."
"Where's your friend?"
"Oh, she was just visiting for the day. She goes to Penn so she's driving back tonight."
Paige nodded and plopped down on the bed across from Emily.
"Are you going to the mixer tonight?" Emily asked nervously, trying once again to breach the awkward divide between them.
Paige nodded nonchalantly. "Yeah. Should be fun."
Emily bit her bottom lip and considered saying anything more before she finally spoke again. "My friend, Hanna, is going to come over so we can walk together if you want to go with us."
Paige looked up, wide eyed, as if surprised by the proposition. "That's okay. I'm going to meet up with Pru. The friend I drove with."
Emily nodded. "I think I'm actually going to shower," she said as she stood from her bed and gathered her things.
"Brave," Paige commented after a long moment.
Emily looked up and saw that the other girl was smirking, and Emily was unsure what she had been referring to. Emily gave her a confused look.
"Dorm showers?" Paige added to clarify. "I've been having nightmares about them for weeks," she told her sarcastically in a tone that made Emily smile.
"Well, I'll let you know if your fears are well founded," Emily replied before heading for the door with a towel and a small basket of shower products.
When Emily returned later, she had a white towel wrapped around her body and another on her head, revealing the line of her shoulders and her long legs. She noticed Paige look up from her bed as Emily stepped behind the wardrobe to dress.
"What's the verdict?" Paige asked.
Emily peeked her head out from behind the closet and smirked. "Not any worse than our high school locker room showers, but that's probably not saying much."
Paige let out a small laugh, and Emily thought to herself that Paige had a pretty smile. She felt a weird buzz in the bottom of her gut and forced herself to ignore it before turning back to get dressed.
A few moments later, Emily emerged dressed and moved to the full-length mirror she had set up next to her desk so she could do her hair and makeup in the bedroom.
In the reflection, she could see a glimpse of Paige. Emily noticed that her hair was now pulled back in a low ponytail, her fringe of bangs, not quite long enough to be tucked behind her ear, fell to the side of her forehead. She had changed and was now wearing dark skinny jeans with a pair of cream Toms and a slouchy top that hung off her shoulders revealing a navy bra underneath. She was curled up on the bed, her back against the wall, reading a book that Emily couldn't see the cover of.
"Would it bother you if I blow-dried my hair?" Emily asked cautiously as she loosened her hair from the towel on her head.
Paige barely looked up as she shook her head. "Go ahead."
Emily flipped on her blowdryer and ran her fingers through her dark hair as it dried. Ten minutes later, she flipped her hair to one side and checked her reflection, adjusting a few stray pieces into place. In the mirror, she caught Paige staring at her from behind her book and saw her look away abruptly. Emily instantly regretted drying her hair in the room, feeling like Paige was just being polite to say it wouldn't bother her when it was obvious she was disturbing her.
Just then, Emily's phone began buzzing on her desk.
"Hey, Hanna. You on your way over?" she said as she answered the phone.
"We totally lost track of time. Do you want to just meet there?" Hanna replied. There was an excitement in her voice that Emily envied.
"Um, yeah, sure."
"We don't have to," Hanna replied. "We'll still swing by, but it'll be a minute. A lot of minutes."
"Don't worry. I'm not on your way anyway. I'll just walk over with someone," Emily told her, figuring she could at least head over with Paige, so that she wouldn't get lost. She did say she was going, and Emily hoped it wouldn't be a big deal.
"Are you sure?" Hanna asked again.
"Yeah. I'll be fine." Emily insisted.
When she clicked the phone off a moment later, Emily turned around to ask when Paige was planning on leaving and saw that she had somehow slipped out the door when she wasn't paying attention.
Discouraged, Emily turned back to the mirror and quickly applied her makeup, hoping she could walk over before it got too late, knowing she hadn't gotten her grip of the campus yet.
When she finished, Emily turned around, curiously taking in Paige's side of the room. She took a step closer, cautiously, as if maybe the girl would burst through the door any moment now and accuse her of snooping just because she'd crossed over to her side.
On Paige's walls were a few swimming posters much like Emily's side, with a large one of Michael Phelps prominently displayed in the center. Closer to her desk, there was a collage of photos on the wall. One caught Emily's eye in particular. It was an image of Paige surrounded by a few other girls in swimsuits. They were all smiling, and one was holding up a large trophy. Paige was making a funny, tough girl face at the camera and flashing a fake gang sign. Emily smiled as she looked closer, wondering if she'd ever see that side of her roommate.
Looking up, Emily saw the book Paige had been reading sitting face open on top of her bed. Emily moved closer until she could see the title. The Alchemist.
It was one of Emily's favorite books. She'd left her own copy on her bookshelf at home along with a few of her other favorites that her mother had convinced her she wouldn't have room for with all the new textbooks she'd be acquiring. She felt herself start to regret the decision.
She had always loved the book, loved what it said about the pursuit of your dreams, about letting go of fear, but mostly she loved what it told her about love.
"I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you."
Emily had always felt like love was that way, like it was fate that brought two people together, like sometimes you were just meant to be.
Emily reached out and picked up Paige's copy of the book. It was worn and faded as if it had been read and reread countless times. Looking up to the small shelf next to Paige's bed, Emily noticed a row of books, a few that Emily recognized and others she didn't.
Siddhartha and Gatsby. The Bell Jar and Look Homeward, Angel. Portrait of a Lady and Othello. The list went on.
Emily reached out and touched each book lightly, seeing that they all showed similar wear. Emily felt this overwhelming sense of respect and awe come over her. She felt like she had just gathered another piece of the puzzle, as if maybe she'd discovered something to make sense of this creature inhabiting this space with her.
Emily moved back to The Alchemist, picking it up again and taking care not to lose the place Paige had marked. The front cover fell open and Emily noticed an engraving in swirling cursive on the inner flap. She knew she should have closed the book back up, but something drew her in, that same mystery that Paige emanated. It felt as powerful as gravity, stronger than she could resist, and so she flipped the front cover open wide, unable to stop herself.
The message was simple, short, lyrical:
Paige, You are my heart. Never let go. And remember that I will love you forever. Mom
Emily felt her face grow warm, as if she had witnessed something intimate and sacred that she wasn't supposed to see. Embarrassed, Emily set the book back down onto the bed, careful to place it in the exact way she had found it.
She crossed back to her side of the room to finish getting dressed. As she fixed her makeup and slid on a thin black jacket, her thoughts came back to the words over and over, wondering more about Paige, about who she was beneath this solid exterior, and if she'd ever know this person who was obviously so deeply loved. Even when Emily was finally heading out the door, the words were still repeating in her thoughts.
She couldn't let them go.
Emily could hear the noise emanating from The Hub Lawn, the area outside the Student Union Center, long before she arrived. Rounding a corner, she saw a large crowd that matched the loud rumble of voices filling the air. The party wasn't full-force yet, but it was getting there. A DJ was set up in a corner, playing music, and someone was making a welcome speech over the speakers.
Emily suddenly regretted not waiting for Hanna and her roommate to finish getting ready. The crowd was enormous and she wasn't sure how to go about introducing herself to complete strangers. She reached into her purse for her phone to see if Hanna had called or to find out if maybe Maya had gotten back to her yet, but there was nothing.
She began making her way through the dense crowd, deciding to grab herself a soda and see if she ran into anyone. She knew there were a few other Rosewood kids who had ended up at Penn State, but she hadn't kept up with anyone and didn't have any of their numbers. She hoped maybe she would see a familiar face amidst the thick of strangers.
Coming upon the refreshment table, Emily grabbed a drink and turned back to take a look at the crowd. She heard a familiar voice and looked up to see Paige standing a couple of feet away with a few other people. They were passing around a flask and taking turns pouring the alcohol into their cups.
"Isn't it, like, against the rules?" Paige complained to another girl. "Like rooming with a boy or something?"
Emily felt her body freeze in place, completely paralyzed by what she was hearing. She knew she should have walked away, saved herself, but she couldn't seem to move. She likened it to that feeling people have when coming upon an accident and not being able to look away. Except this time, she was the train wreck.
The girl next to Paige laughed. "I wouldn't complain if I could room with a boy."
"Well, she's not a boy," Paige continued, frowning. "I mean, what if she comes on to me? What if she tries to get in bed with me?"
"Cause you're so irresistible, Paige," the other girl teased with a smirk.
"Shut up. You know what I mean," Paige responded, rolling her eyes. "I'm going to have to change in the bathroom every day."
Just then, Paige looked up, and her eyes caught Emily's. Paige's mouth dropped open slightly as it set in for both of them what just transpired. The girl next to Paige said something, and Paige looked away for a moment, giving Emily the chance to flee.
By the time Paige looked back, Emily had ducked away from the crowd and into The Hub where it was quiet, where she could breathe again. She tried to reason what had just happened, tried to come up with another obvious explanation for what she overheard, but there was no way to deny how obvious it was that Paige had been talking about her.
The whole thing made her feel like she wanted to crawl inside herself and hide. She had worked so hard to become comfortable with who she was, to become proud of herself, and yet it was still possible for a near stranger to make her feel this way. She didn't know why it bothered her this much. She didn't know why she cared. Other people had expressed themselves to her in less than subtle ways before, and while sometimes it stung, it never seemed to have the same reverberation that this seemed to hold. This time, it hurt.
Regardless, she tried to pull herself together as best she could and reached into her purse to grab her phone. Dialing Hanna's number, she let the phone ring a few times until Hanna's voicemail finally picked up. She hung up and decided maybe she'd try to head back in to see if Hanna had arrived and simply couldn't hear her phone over the music. Just as she was reaching for the door, her phone began buzzing.
"Emily!" Hanna called out when Emily answered, her voice slightly slurred as if she had already taken a few drinks before the party. Emily was sure it was the case for most of the people there. It was a school-sponsored event, but that didn't stop everyone from partying beforehand or bringing their own stash to mix in. Everyone except for her.
"Hanna?"
"Where are you? We're almost there," Hanna shouted into the phone, as Emily could hear the crowd of voices muffling Hanna's voice. "Wait? What?" Hanna whispered to someone she was walking with. "Where are we?"
Emily sighed, waiting for Hanna to return to the conversation. She had to admit she felt a little hurt that Hanna had not called her to join them, but maybe Hanna figured since she said she wanted to nap, she wasn't interested.
"Okay, so we're almost almost there," Hanna explained, her words nearly blending together.
"You know what? I actually just decided to stay in," Emily started, before she'd even thought it through. "I'm feeling kind of beat and I have early practice, so I'm just going to call it a night."
Emily found a way to quickly finish the conversation after a few gripes from Hanna and tucked the phone back into her purse. She turned back to the door where she could see through a small window at the hundreds of coeds mingling together, exchanging numbers, toasting the beginning of freedom. They all were having such a good time, and Emily hated that for all that she had looked forward to this, the only think she could think of was how much she missed Maya.
The temperature had dropped since earlier, and Emily shivered as she made her way alone back across campus, wrapping her arms around her body to stay warm.
When she arrived back to her dorm room, Emily unlocked the door and stepped into the eerily quiet space. Despite all of her trappings covering her side of the room, it still didn't feel anything like home to her. It was still early, just passed 1030; she had barely been gone an hour. She made her way to the dresser where she pulled out a pair of boxers and a t-shirt, changing quietly into her pajamas. Moving to the bed, she took a seat, pulling her cell back out. All she wanted was to hear Maya's voice, something that made her feel at home, something to remind her that she was loved.
But the phone rang and rang and rang. Emily's heart sank when, finally, Maya's voicemail came up. She waited until the end to leave a message for her.
"Hey, Maya. It's me, Em. I just wanted to call and say goodnight. It's been kind of a long day over here. I just… wanted to hear your voice," Emily spoke into the line, hesitating a moment. "I miss you," she added before hanging up.
Emily set the phone beside her bed and took a moment to let her eyes gaze around the room, examining this new place, this new life, and all of its unfamiliarity.
Eventually, the echoing quiet of the room reached inside her and magnified every speck of loneliness she had been feeling since she arrived. She felt her eyes fill with tears as she finally lay down on her bed. Alone, in the dark, she began to sob.
Later that night, Paige made her way back to Brumbaugh alongside a dozen other freshman she'd met at the party. They were all a touch intoxicated, and Paige was no different. The cool night air felt good on her hot skin, and she felt herself slipping behind the other students as she became lost in her thoughts. She'd parted ways with Pru earlier when the new student mixer outside The Hub had ended. While Pru had no obligations until Monday, Paige knew that Saturday morning practice was only a few hours away now and that being out late wasn't going to fly as a reason for oversleeping, not when it came to college level swimming.
While everyone else had been buzzing the entire day with the excitement of starting college, Paige could feel nothing but anxiety coursing through her since she and Pru had left Ohio for the six hour drive to PSU. Even now, it still hadn't let up. Paige had been pushing for this her entire life, from the two a day swim practices to the travel competitions, chlorine dulling her hair over the years to giving up summer vacations to spend every minute in the pool. She had worked so hard to become a college swimmer, made dozens of sacrifices, she had deserved it, but she felt this heavy fear that she was now going to blow it. It wasn't that she didn't know if she was strong enough. She had some of the best times in the state of Ohio, she'd been to state four years in a row, she had medaled five times. But instead, it was because, after all of the work she had put in to getting here, there was something empty about the victory. After years of fighting to be the best, the passion had started to whittle away. Still, over the years, she had continued to cling to swimming like a safety net. It had consumed her entire life. She wasn't sure who she was without it.
The sad truth was that she was still figuring out who she was at all.
It was what made this next step in devoting her life to a sport so difficult. If you stripped it all away, who was left underneath? Paige had started to realize some time ago that she had no idea and that the things she was finally starting to realize scared her more than anything.
And then, of course, there was Emily.
From the first time that Paige laid eyes on Emily, she had wanted to run the other way. At the time, she couldn't even really explain it. There was something about Emily that had made her uneasy. And as the day transpired, Paige slowly felt the panic building inside her.
It was the reason she ended up having way more drinks than she should have that night, hoping to drown all the emotions running through her. She had thrown back two, three, four vodka sodas, yet no matter what she did, her thoughts, her racing mind, it all kept coming back to Emily.
And then that dreadful moment came when Paige saw her at the mixer, when they had locked eyes, and she felt every part of her come undone. Even now, hours later, that look on Emily's face, that heartbroken, devastated gaze when she had overheard what Paige had said, wouldn't leave her mind. Paige had barely even been able to look at her, turning her head and pretending she didn't really see her. Later, she had nearly gotten sick in the bathroom, and Paige knew it hadn't been from the alcohol.
When Paige finally arrived back to her dorm after the long walk, she climbed the stairs to the second floor and quietly unlocked the door to the room she now shared with Emily. The lights were all off, leaving the room in darkness except for the dim moonlight shining through the cracked blinds. As she tiptoed towards the bed, she could see Emily curled up in bed, facing towards her, fast asleep.
With a crumpled tissue in her hand and tear stains on her cheeks, Paige could see clearly that she had been crying. She felt a ache forming in the bottom of her gut. Part of her wanted to wake Emily. Part of her wanted to apologize. Part of her wanted to explain. But she couldn't. She barely understood. How could she make sense of what was going on inside her to someone else?
Up until April, when Paige had signed her letter of intent to attend Penn State, Paige had spent months debating where to attend college. She had been offered scholarships to swim at half a dozen schools in Ohio, some of them with better programs than the one she was at now, but eventually, against her father's wishes, she had chosen to come to Penn State, the furthest she could get away from Dublin, from her life, from that part of herself.
Paige had thought that by running, by going somewhere else, somewhere far from home, that somehow all these crazy, complicated, wretching feelings inside her would be left behind too. And yet, now here she was.
In a twist of fate's irony, she had ended up being paired to live with someone whose mere existence seemed like a magnifying glass on everything Paige had been fighting for years, had been trying to bury under hours of time in the water.
Eventually, Paige moved to her bed and took a seat, kicking off her shoes and releasing a heavy sigh. Once again, she looked across the room at Emily, examining the way the diffuse moonlight illuminated the lines of her face in the loveliest sort of way, and Paige thought, for a moment, that maybe she'd never seen something quite that beautiful before.
Her head fell into her hands in defeat. It was going to be a long year.