Chapter Four

The room was bright now with the early morning sunshine beaming through the window. As she woke from sleep, Emily could see that at some point in the night, Paige had returned and was now fast asleep in her bed facing the other direction. Pulling herself out from under her covers, Emily felt a little weird being up before Paige and getting ready while she was still asleep, especially when they were going to the same place, but after last night, she felt even weirder at the thought of touching Paige to stir her. Besides, there was still plenty of time before practice for her to get up. So Emily decided that if Paige wasn't up by the time she was going to leave, she would wake her. Despite everything, Emily still didn't want Paige to be late to the first day.

Quietly, Emily threw on a dark grey PSU sweatshirt and a pair of athletic shorts. In the bathroom, she brushed her teeth and fixed her hair into a high ponytail before running downstairs to Findlay.

The early morning meant the dining hall was nearly empty, and Emily could tell they had barely opened for the day because everything was laid out on the buffet line perfectly stocked. She made her way around for a minute, getting familiar with the layout before settling on her usual breakfast, oatmeal and a banana with a carton of skim milk. Last minute, before she headed to the checkout line, she reached for a bagel and cream cheese and a small orange juice to take with her.

At the edge of the dining hall, Emily found a seat on a stool facing the window and ate her breakfast in silence. Outside, the campus was slowly starting to wake up, and Emily could see a few coeds as well as more staff filtering through the grounds.

The light was shining down brightly on the expanse of green lawn and trees, and Emily was reminded why she had grown to love this campus so much during her visits. She had admired the program and was so excited to be a Nittany Lion, but there was also this sense she had felt when she had walked through the quad, something calming, something that told her this was the place. She had almost forgotten that feeling amidst how things had played out yesterday, but sitting alone, in the quiet hall, staring out at the campus, she felt it wash over her again.

Just as she was finishing eating and gathering her trash, her phone began to buzz from her pocket. She reached for it and on seeing the number, smiled, and answered quickly.

"Maya!" Emily said, her face now beaming.

"Hey sweets. What's up?" Maya's voice returned. Emily couldn't help but notice that maybe her enthusiasm sounded slightly blunted in comparison to her own, as if it hadn't been days since they had spoken.

"Just getting ready for swimming. How are you?" Emily asked excitedly, still so happy to finally hear from Maya. She had been looking forward to this, to hearing about her day moving in, finding out how things were going, if she was adjusting, and just to tell her how much she had been missing her.

"Beat. I just got home," Maya explained dramatically.

Emily glanced at her watch. "Right now? It's 3am there," Emily replied with shock, laughing a little.

"I know. I met some really awesome people yesterday, and we just ended up crashing the beach all night with a bonfire. It was amazing," Maya told her excitedly. Emily could tell by the way Maya emphasized the word that 'amazing' probably meant a lot of alcohol and pot and maybe more.

Despite her lightheartedness, Emily couldn't deny that the whole notion of Maya being out so late with people she didn't know doing god knows what made her a little uncomfortable.

Maya was never the type of person to go into details about things, so Emily always felt a little weird when Maya was somewhere else, as if she'd never get to really know what actually transpired. It was part of what she hated about Maya being so far away. Whereas Emily would describe to Maya everything that had happened in her day until it felt like Maya had been there too, Emily only got bits and pieces back from Maya. Sometimes, it made her feel like she didn't know who Maya was when she wasn't with her.

"Oh, that's cool," Emily replied, trying not to let her disappointment show in her voice. "I tried calling you."

"I know. That's why I called you back," Maya explained, like it was perfectly naturally, like she hadn't actually noticed that Emily's call had been hours ago. "So how was your first night? There aren't any girls trying to sweep in on you, are there?" Maya continued, teasing, "because you should tell them I know Tae Kwon Do."

Emily would have normally laughed at Maya's silliness, but something about it this time made her feel uneasy. "You don't know Tae Kwon Do," Emily responded dryly.

"I know. But it would scare them away," Maya replied, laughing.

Emily frowned, hating that, over the phone, Maya clearly couldn't tell how she was feeling.

"Well, don't worry," Emily told her. "There's really no one trying to get anywhere near me." she added sharply, hoping Maya would hear in her voice just exactly what was going on inside of her.

"Good! Cause you're mine," Maya responded excitedly.

"You know what, I should really get to practice," Emily replied softly.

"Yeah, I totally need to crash. I have orientation at 11, which is way too early for me."

Emily found herself rolling her eyes. "Okay."

"I love you, Emily," Maya told her sweetly, and Emily felt a bit warmer once again. Those words from Maya always somehow made the whole world seem better. She hoped they could talk again later when Maya wasn't partied out and exhausted and maybe then, she could tell her about how things had been going. Maybe later, she could open up, and she would feel them connect again like they always did when they were together. Emily knew the phone thing would be hard, but she hoped in time that they would adjust.

Emily smiled to herself, a small hopeful smile. "I love you too."

Emily made her way back to Brumbaugh and up to her dorm room. When she unlocked the door and stepped inside, she was surprised to see that Paige was up, sitting on her bed, now dressed in a pair of baggy grey sweats and a navy Penn State t-shirt. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she was slipping into a pair of athletic shoes. She looked totally different from the night before when she was dressed up. Today, something about her clothes and the way she held herself, she looked like the athlete Emily knew she must be.

Paige looked up when she heard the door, and they caught eyes in an uncomfortable gaze. Emily didn't know what to say to her. Good morning just didn't seem right after the awful night before, so instead she simply pulled out the food she'd picked up from Findlay.

"I didn't know what you liked so I just grabbed you a bagel," Emily told her awkwardly.

Paige squinted her eyes in confusion as she looked at the food Emily was holding in her hand.

Emily crossed the room and reached out to give the bagel to Paige. As they exchanged the items, their hands grazed lightly, just their fingertips, but Emily felt a rush of electricity pierce her body suddenly. Her breath caught in her throat. She felt a little dizzy.

"Thanks," Paige replied abruptly, pulling her hand away quickly.

Emily did her best to shake off the feeling. She told herself that it wasn't anything. Just a fading attraction. Nothing to get uptight over. She was with Maya. What did it matter if she thought another girl was pretty? Still, she chastised herself a little. Did it have to be someone who so clearly hated her? Who was so disgusted by her that she barely could handle touching her? She felt like such an idiot.

Emily moved back to her side of the room while Paige started to eat, reaching for a few items and quickly packing her gym bag. Her mind was a convoluted mess and she kept unpacking and repacking items, hoping Paige wasn't watching her thinking she was crazy. Yet, when she stole a glance, Paige seemed completely in her own thoughts.

Finally, Emily turned back around. "Ready?"

As I'll ever be, Paige thought as she nodded to Emily and stood up from her bed. Following her out, she balanced the bagel and juice in her hands, hoping it might be a good enough excuse not to say anything to her, at least until she could think of anything reasonable to say after what happened the night before. The thought of even bringing it up was almost too much to even consider. It would mean acknowledging that it had happened.

It was already bad enough that Paige couldn't get Emily out of her thoughts. Last night, she had lied in bed for hours staring at her from across the room as she slept. In fact, she was pretty sure that after she did fall asleep, she even dreamed about Emily.

When morning came, Paige had woken to her alarm and saw that Emily was nowhere in sight. Figuring she had already left without her, and not blaming her for it in the least, Paige silently berated herself again for the things she had said, wishing now that she could take them all back.

She was completely surprised then when Emily returned to the bedroom, and with breakfast for her on top of it all. She could hardly even believe it, that someone could be that kind to someone who was so horrible to them. That Emily could have possibly already have forgiven her before she had ever apologized, before she'd even forgiven herself. It didn't make any sense.

And then, that touch. She had never felt anything like that touch. Paige didn't even know what to make of it. It felt like being jolted awake when you were deep in sleep, when just the suddenness of it, the abruptness, the unexpectedness of it alone, made your heart start pounding in your chest.

Paige told herself to make sure she never got that close to Emily again.

Even right now, walking side by side, Paige tried to maintain a few inches of space between their bodies and managed to avoid looking over at her at all. The walk to McCoy, the Natatorium, was only five minutes, but Paige soon started to realize that even five minutes could feel like eternity when no one said a word.

"So, what's your major?" Emily's voice rang out, lifting Paige from her thoughts.

Taken aback that she was even speaking to her, Paige tilted her head to look at Emily. She felt her breath catch slightly just looking at her. It took her a second to even realize what Emily had asked her.

"Economics," Paige finally told her. "And maybe Math too if I can fit it in," she added with a shrug.

It was the same mantra she'd been reciting for the last year to all of her father's friends and colleagues when they held fundraisers. He almost always brought Paige along, introducing her to people he hoped would someday open doors for her. She'd been going to them for years now, learning how to act, how to carry herself, how to speak. He had a vision for her and as far as he knew, Paige was fitting every single expectation he had. The words now felt automatic, robotic even, like they weren't even hers anymore, but belonged to some creation, the mold of a person her father had made her into.

"Really?" Emily asked with surprise in her voice. Her eyes were furrowed in this adorable way Paige noticed then discarded as quick as it came to her mind.

"Yeah. Why?"

"I thought maybe you were doing English," Emily replied shyly.

Paige shook her head in confusion. "Why would I do English?" she asked curiously, wondering if Emily had seen her schedule for the year before realizing that there was nothing about her classes that would make someone assume that.

Emily curled her lips into a shy smile. "I just noticed you have a lot of books."

"Oh," Paige replied as it finally dawned on her why Emily might have made that assumption: the collection of books on the shelf above her bed. "Yeah," Paige added, nodding, before realizing that wasn't really an explanation.

She felt that Emily's gaze was still on her, and it made her fidget. Paige kept her eyes moving between the ground below and the looming building in front of them that she just needed to get to so that she could part ways with her.

"I love The Alchemist," Emily said softly.

Paige looked up, catching Emily's gaze. Emily's eyes were wide with this kind of excited nervousness.

"You've read it?" Paige asked curiously, surprised by the admission. Her friends at school had always been puzzled by her book collection, had always scoffed at her for reading things that weren't required for class, especially things that weren't published in this decade. She had always shrugged them off. She didn't need their understanding. She knew why she loved them.

Beside Paige, Emily nodded shyly. "Like a million times. 'The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world, and never to forget the drops of oil on the spoon.' Emily recited to her lyrically.

"Yeah. It's amazing," Paige replied softly. Their eyes on each other, it felt like some strange energy passed between them, some kind of understanding that with all of her love for words, Paige didn't have a single one for. It made her nervous, but she couldn't take her eyes off of Emily.

She finally took a breath and looked away, breaking the gaze to dump her breakfast trash into a waste basket nearby. Feeling slightly more composed, she turned back to Emily. "Do you have a major?"

"Undecided. Completely undecided," Emily admitted. "I was thinking about journalism maybe. But my parents keep pushing me towards Poli-Sci. It's stupid, they…"

"Want you to go to law school?" Paige finished for her. She felt bad for interrupting, but Emily just smiled.

"Yeah. Kind of makes me cringe though," Emily responded, wincing playfully.

Paige nodded. She had known where Emily was going with the political science deal because she'd been so surprised when her father hadn't pushed that route. He told her it was because he thought she could do more than he had, that her mind needed a greater challenge, but she was never really sure of his reasons. Whenever he said it though, she would always shrug it off and let him think what he wanted. After all, the last thing she wanted was to follow in his footsteps.

"My dad's been pushing me towards I-Banking," Paige finally blurted out, wondering if she had ever actually admitted to anyone before that moment that it hadn't been solely her idea, that it hadn't been her idea at all. "Investment banking," she added to clarify.

"Damn," Emily responded, brows lifted in amazement.

"I think he's crazy to think I can do it," Paige admitted before she could stop herself. She didn't usually let out that kind of vulnerability. In fact, she only could remember sharing that fear with Pru on graduation night after they had both had way too much to drink and had ended up sleeping in the bed of Pru's dad's truck because they had somehow lost the key to the house. Even then, to her best friend, she had felt weird saying it. But saying it to Emily, for some reason, she felt safe.

"Why?" Emily inquired, and Paige simply shrugged in response, feeling like she hadn't quite thought it through enough to give an answer.

"I think the question is more, is that what you want to do?" Emily suggested.

Paige felt a tiny surge inside of her. It was probably the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to her before. Nothing about Emily since they had met failed to completely blow her away. And now, Paige could hardly believe that someone could be this kind and pure. But even more, that someone could see right through her, could see straight to her core, and know exactly what was really going on inside her.

"Look, Emily," Paige started before she even had the words put together, but she had to say something, she had to apologize for last night, she had to mend things. The guilt was seeping through her, but her brain felt stilted. And now Emily was looking at her sweetly, expectantly.

"Emily!" a voice shouted, interrupting Paige's thoughts, and both girls turned to see another girl that Paige didn't recognize walking towards them, waving excitedly.

"Mallorie?" Emily asked as she obviously recognized her. "I didn't know you were coming here," she added excitedly as she and the other girl hugged.

Paige watched their exchange quietly, collecting herself.

"It was a whole mess," the girl, Mallorie explained, her words sputtering out a mile a minute. "I'll tell you about it sometime. It's awesome to see you."

"You too!" Emily replied, smiling broadly. "Mallorie, this is Paige, my roommate. She'll be on the team with us too," Emily explained to the other girl, and inadvertently to Paige too that they would all teammates.

Paige forced a smile as Mallorie stretched out her hand excitedly to meet Paige. Paige wasn't sure whether to be relieved or upset that someone had interrupted them. All she knew was that inside, she was a mess.

And she could hardly deny that the reason was nothing less than Emily Fields.

After stepping into the McCoy Natatorium building, an older swimmer that they all recognized from their recruitment visits as the senior captain ushered the girls towards the locker room. Practice on Saturdays was normally at 7am since there were no classes, but today, Coach had asked the freshman to be there at 6:30am in order to get situated into their new lives.

Emily took a moment to gaze around at the navy and white painted room. It was enormous compared to the locker room at Rosewood. On one open wall was a large painting of a Nittany Lion with the PSU logo underneath while the rest of the walls were covered with lockers. Several of the lockers that had been assigned to the new swimmers had been tagged with their names on them. Glancing around, she finally found the one with "Emily Fields" written across the top of it. Without missing a beat, her eyes traveled that next locker over and read the name, "Paige McCullers."

So that's her last name, Emily thought to herself, repeating it a couple times in her mind.

It made her feel weird knowing that their lockers would be side by side, but she realized she should have expected it. They were roommates, just like a lot of the girls, and the coach probably wanted everyone to be near someone they knew. If only they realized the truth.

While this morning, Emily thought she and Paige seemed to be getting along okay, she couldn't imagine that the issue would just disappear so quickly. She wondered now how this would work out, if Paige was going to feel uncomfortable being with her in the locker room too, if Emily was going to feel like she had to change somewhere else just so Paige wouldn't think she was looking at her. It made Emily feel sick to her stomach.

"Welcome, Lions!" The loud voice suddenly broke Emily's thoughts.

She looked up to see Coach Becker, a woman in her mid-thirties that Emily had met on her recruitment visits. She was a bit no nonsense, but Emily could tell she cared about her athletes and had taken to her right away.

Coach Becker asked them all to introduce themselves, and Emily tried to take note of their names. There were only 8 new freshmen, but it became clear that the girls who had been paired up together had already found some sort of bond with their roommates. Even Mallorie, whom Emily had met during one of the recruitment visits, had drifted away from Emily and back to another girl she already seemed to know well. Emily scanned around to look for Paige and saw that she was across the room. Their eyes caught, and Emily realized that Paige had been looking at her. She wondered if she'd been thinking the same thoughts that she was.

Paige's eyes caught Emily's and she felt like she'd been caught doing something she wasn't supposed to. She looked away abruptly and back to Coach who was giving everyone a fair welcome to the team.

As they finished introductions, they each dispersed to their individual lockers to dress for practice. Paige pulled open hers and found two racing suits, two practice swimsuits, a brand new pair of navy Penn State sweats, and a new Lions duffel. It was still all a little surreal even now. The label of being a college athlete was finally sinking in. She thought she had devoted her time and energy to swimming before. She realized it was only just beginning.

Paige looked up to see Emily thumbing through the contents of her locker, fidgeting in place. She looked nervous, and Paige slowly realized it must have to do with what Paige had said about her at the mixer. Paige watched as Emily gathered a swimsuit and turned to her.

"I'm going to go change in the bathroom," Emily told her softly as she closed her locker door.

Paige's face fell. She opened her mouth to stop her, but nothing came out.

When everyone was dressed, all eight freshman swimmers filtered into the center of the Natatorium. Paige took a moment to take it all in again, the vast stadium with bleachers at every corner, the professional lights, the perfectly drawn lanes of the pool, the large Big Ten flag waving from one wall surrounded by pennants from past seasons' victories. It all soaked in to her.

Coach Becker moved in front of the swimmers with a proud smile as she began to speak.

"The Nittany Lions have been swimming in this stadium for over 40 years. There's history here. There's a legacy here that you are now a part of. In this building, there will be tears shed, some from losses, some from victories, some just from really rough practices," she told them humorously. "So take a good look around. This is your home for the next four years. Welcome!"

Just then, Paige caught sight of Emily. She was wearing her suit now with her athletic shorts pulled over them. She could see more of her now than she had before. Her shoulder were broad and muscled, but still incredibly feminine. Her neck was long and elegant and arching as she looked up around her. Her dark hair was down now, falling in waves around her shoulders and down her back. Her eyes were moving around the stadium with this kind of angelic gaze, and Paige couldn't stop herself from staring at her.

Suddenly, there was a low rumble of voices that tore Paige's attention away from Emily. The sound grew until suddenly a pack of older girls dressed in navy Penn State sweats emerged into view, chanting, "FIGHT ON, STATE! FIGHT ON, STATE!"

The freshmen slowly began to join in until the twenty five swimmers were shouting a loud refrain that echoed through the entire stadium.

After the last shout, Coach Becker piped in again.

"Now let's get in the pool!"

After the rest of the coaching staff had arrived, practice had become a frenzy of timed laps at every stroke. Even though all the new girls had come in with a desired race, it would all depend on your performance, which one you ended up having the opportunity to race.

All the nervous energy that had been feeding through Paige translated into adrenaline as soon as she hit the pool. Her arms and legs cut through the cool water, stroke after stroke, letting the familiarity of the motions melt her thoughts away until she was one with the water.

Three hours later, the girls pulled their tired bodies from the pool and began filtering towards the locker room.

"Paige! I would like to speak to you please," Coach called out to her, and Paige spun around to see the Coach holding onto a stop watch. "You and Emily."

Paige looked around and saw Emily, a few paces in front of her, stop in place and turned to face them. They both walked over to Becker, exchanging a curious glance, unsure what this whole thing was about. By the time they reached her, the rest of their teammates had disappeared along with the other coaches, and it was just the two of them standing with their Head Coach.

Paige looked nervously at Emily again, wondering what this was about, wondering if Emily had told the Coach about what Paige had said about her, but Emily appeared just as confused as she did.

"I wanted to talk to you both before the season really got started," Coach explained. "There is a reason I paired you two together."

Paige glanced over at Emily again, and they caught eyes for a second.

Coach began again, her voice softer now as if she didn't want anyone to overhear. "I have a few spots open on the relays. Butterfly and freestyle. Mostly upperclassmen, but you two are my bread and butter recruits, and I want to see what you can to before the season starts in October."

Paige nodded.

"We practice a lot, but I want you two to be in the pool as much as you can. Practices are at 6, but the Stadium opens at 5 and closes at 11 every night for athletes. I hoped maybe you two would push each other this year."

"Sure, Coach," Emily agreed as Paige looked to her then back to Coach, nodding in agreement.

"All right then. I'll see you Monday."