A/N: Because we all know Natsu would be a terrible speller and that he's probably never even written a letter before (I guess this would be a kind of 'spot the references!' thing if you've read my other stories, because there are probably just as many references as there are spelling errors). This will probably be two to four chapters or so.

(Deer) Lucy,

Uhhh. So, I'm sitting here in my house and Erza is holding a sword to my throat and- ow! She just poked me! Anyway, um, I didn't want to put in that 'Deer' 'cuz it would sound weird, but Erza thretend to tell you that I still have your undees that I 'acidently' stole from you, and, uh, I guess I really shouldn't have written that. I promise that I'll return the one with the pink lace and white bows if you don't kill me. Uh, I mean, I'm not saying I have any other of your panties besides that one, but, uh… yeah. Fuck this. I'll get to the point now, cuz Erza is poking me again, and Gray says he'll freez your panties if I don't hurry up.

Er, not like I want your panties or anything. Yeah.

So I was just sitting there in the guild, waiting for you so we could go out on a mishun, when Levy, Erza, and a bunch of other girls approchd me, and it's a cuhnspirasee, I say! Anyway, Levy forsed me to read this wierd book that I wouldn't have gotten through if it weren't for Mirajane going all Demon on me (and dude, Mira is scary when she's like that! Even worse than Erza- wait, never mind, Erza's lookeen at me all scary and you can just ignore my shaky leterz…) It took me three hours to finish reeding fifty pages of that shitty book, but you don't need to know that.

But it got me thinking. And not the normal thinking, like when I'm thinking about how to fight to protect you, and everyone else, but like, the weird thinking. Some of the things in the wierd book were really famileer, and, I guess… ow! Erza, stop it! I'm getting there already! Can't you read what I'm riting- ow!

It made me think about when you sat with me on the annivirsary of Igneel's disapeerans, and it made me think about that one time everyone thought we slept together and that I was pregnant (I'm a guy, though, so how does that even work?) and that other time Loki said I should 'take you out' (althou I still don't get what was so wrong with us just literelly stepping outside of your apartment. That's tecknicaly us going out).

And that wasn't it! I mean, once, I painted the guild pink, and your face was all pink when I got close to you, and it was just like this one scene in that really wierd, corny book of Levy's! And another time, I told you that you were the main karacter in my fairy tale and you were all red and stuff, and even that one time you and Lisanna acidently swiched bodies and I realizd that I could tell who you were, even in someone else's body. And that you smell really comfurtble and, uh, homey.

But I think the book relly reminded me of that one time you went out with a guy, and it made me mad. I'm still not sure why it made me so mad, but Gray and Erza and Juvia and Lisanna and Mira and everyone else keep saying it means I have a 'crush' on you (I wouldn't ever crush you! I mean, it'd hurt! Unless you wanted to spar, then I guess that'd be okay). But I did want to crush that Tilly guy. A lot. Because for some reason, it made me feel weerd when you left me to go have fun with some random guy, and didn't you promis we would always eat together?

Aaghafwdt, my hand is starting to hurt- okay, okay, Erza, I'll keep going! Stop poking me, it hurts!

So, uh, after that weird thinking, my brayn really hurt, but Lisanna and Mira decided that I should write you a letter about all this (and if you think Mirajane can be scary, Lisanna when she's ditermend is waaayyy worse) about all this, and I'm not even sure why. But I guess that means that I have a 'crush' on you (and what does that mean? That I want to crush something on your body? Wouldn't that hurt?) or something. So Erza poked me with some metal sticks and Juvia thretend to drown me and Mirajane started glowing a really scary shaid of purple, and, um, Bixlow tried to get me drunk. Which was weird, but I think he's gotten other people drunk before… what a nasty creep.

So here I am, in my house, scribling this letter to you. Erza says that I should be riting about the way I feel, but I'm not sure what that means. I guess you feel sorta warm? You feel blond. I touched your hair once, and it was soft- it also felt like you would taste like pork- do you like pork? I do.

Ow, damn it! I have to go beat up Gray in a second because he just froz my other hand and it hurt like a bitch and now he's saying that I should be writing about how you make me feel inside. So, um, you make me feel warm. Like, warmer than usual, which is really weird, which automaticlly makes you a really big weirdo, because my stomack starts feeling like I want to throw up or something, even if I haven't eeten. Does that make sense? It should, 'cuz you're wierd and you get weerd things, I think.

So, yeah. My hand is starting to cramp since I don't normaly write stuff, so I'll end this. How do you end a letter? Gray says to write my name, so I'll write my name.

Natsu-Dragneel-epic-futur-S-class-mage-and-son-of-the-awsum-fire-dragon-Igneel-who-also-feels-weird-about-you-because-you're-weird.

(P.S. I don't know what this means, but Levy just stormed in and told me to write it oderwise you wouldn't get the whole point of this, so I'll write it because the rest of the guild has just krashed through my door to try and reed over my shoulder, and Evergreen is saying she'll take off her glases if people don't get out of the way, and Bixlow is trying to get me drunk again.)

(P.S.S. Because Levy said so: Would you care to have a trist?)

(P.S.S.S. Levy told me that was speld wrong. It's 'tryst'. She ses I speld a lot of uther things wrong too, but I won't fix it.)

(P.S.S.S.S. What's a tryst?)