Dear Natsu,

Would you care to explain what kind of person sends lingerie back to people along with a letter? Even more bewildering (or rather, aggravating) are these… burn marks on my underwear. In addition, if I'm reading this right, you have more pairs of my undergarments? I assumed that you only took one or two pairs when you were dressing up as a Princess for Wendy! For crying out loud, do you even understand how hard it is to find a bra my size?

Was Erza really reading over your shoulder, or was she too busy trying to make you write more to attempt proofreading? I imagine it must have taken a considerable effort to make you write this much at all…

By the way, what do you mean by 'cuhnspirasee'?

I hate to be overly critical, but your handwriting only makes matters worse. But I suppose it can't be helped. If you want, I could tutor you, but you'd have to pay me because I still need to make rent somehow, and we haven't gone on a 'mishun' (that word I could understand) that's actually paid us for a while, and-

And, oh.

Oh.

…

Wow.

Honestly, I'm surprised, and I suppose this is what I get for not reading your letter all the way through before penning a reply, but I'm really… I'm actually touched that you remember all those incidents. It's… unexpectedly sweet, sort of. And for the record, neither of us are getting pregnant any time soon. In addition, painting the guild pink was a ridiculous idea. The fact that you know my smell by heart is a little creepy but sweet, and the guy's name wasn't Tilly, it was Tommy!

So let me get this straight. You seriously had no clue that all those times, I was trying to flirt- wait, ignore that! What I meant was, all those times I was attempting to use my appeal- wait, that's not what I meant either. But seriously, Levy had to force you to read a romance novel before you even began to realize- okay, I give up. There's no way to properly communicate what I'm feeling right now.

So, uh… if what you've written is true, then I'm honestly stunned.

…

By your idiocy. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A CRUSH IS?

But, I mean, it's not like you actually have one on me. Right? I mean, you, who wouldn't know romance if it slapped you across the face, having a crush on me? I mean, it's not as if our relationship is anything more than platonic…

Oh, this is so frustrating! It would help if you could stop describing me as 'weird' (especially when you're the one with pink hair, and yes, before you become upset: pink is a manly color) and actually try to describe this- uh, 'feeling'- as something other than 'weird'. I don't quite follow your descriptions, either- how would you feel warmer than what can be perceived as an average body heat when your own is already insanely off the charts? Just being around you practically gives me a heat stroke!

I'm… not saying that you're hot or anything. Yeah.

But, well, if you really do like me, then I suppose that would be understandable, seeing as how I may or may not be okay with it. Because it's possible that I have a 'crush' on you, and if you reciprocated my feelings, then it would be possible that I wouldn't really mind. Maybe.

I… think I'll stop now before I get ahead of myself.

Sincerely,

Lucy Heartphilia

(P.S. Remind me to thank Levy later.)

(P.S.S. And, yes, I'll… er, I'll go on a date with you.)

(P.S.S.S. You have to pay for it because I still have yet to pay my rent.)