Wow, first off, thank you so much for all of the comments on the last chapter! I wish I could respond to all of them, but I think you'd rather me spend the time writing more of the story. I have to admit that I almost hadn't decided to write this because I wasn't sure how people would like an AU story, but I am really happy I did. I love entertaining you all. And your reviews make this even more fun. So thank you for that :)
Also, I know this took a week for me to update, but I have a lot to post today, so hopefully, that will make up for it. I was going to post one enormously long chapter, but it just started seeming way too long, so I decided to start with this first part. I hope to have the rest up later tonight for you all.
I am going to try to update at least once a week, but sometimes things get in the way. Honestly, I would love to update way more often, but alas, school is the path to a job and to money, and unfortunately, fanfic-ing doesn't pay so well. But I'll do my best to keep up. Just know, I plan to see this through to the end, even if that end is many chapters away.
spikedwatermelon: I completely miss Emily and Paige, but this is definitely helping me cope :) And absolutely, the title is from the Explosions in the Sky song. Such a beautiful song!
Sanu: You really are right when you say that. We do love to ache, and that is such an interesting observation about us as human beings. I definitely remember the first time I felt all of this, how much it hurt, and so maybe, that's what I am able to channel. But I am really glad I was able to draw you into the story :)
And last, for any Lindsey Shaw fans, girl's got a Tumblr now (if you want the address, I'll let you go look, or send me a PM, just to avoid a massive blowing up of her ask box ;) ) and is being gracious enough to answer all sorts of questions, but most importantly, she confirmed that she WILL be back for Season 2 :) :) Though we'll have to wait and see when.
But now, on to the story...
Chapter Ten
Emily stood in the shower, letting the hot water run over her face, washing off her tear-stained cheeks. The heat felt good on her skin, like a warm blanket. She tried not to cry again, and so far, it had been working, even though her mind kept reciting her conversation with Maya, going over every word one by one wondering how it ended up the way it did. Emily felt like was still processing this new reality, digesting it, letting all the consequences of their breakup make their way into her consciousness. She thought of Maya, of all the happy times, of all those small moments, touches and kisses and whispered 'I love you's,' the way Maya would look at her, the way she had always made her feel beautiful, things she would never get to have again, and it made her gut wrench inside of her. Emily had been standing there now for twenty minutes, and from the first moment she turned on the water, she'd been fighting the urge to collapse against the wall, double over in sobs again. Somehow, she'd found the strength to hold herself up. Because considering everything Paige was doing for her tonight, the last thing she wanted was for Paige to return home to find her still in the shower, curled up in a ball, crying incoherently. So she was doing her best to hold on even though on the inside, she felt a little bit like she was dying.
Paige… she thought as her mind drifted over to her roommate. There was still this mystery about her that Emily couldn't quite understand, something that was only punctuated by her actions tonight, something that since the beginning of school had been pulling at her. When she had heard the key turn in the door as Paige returned home earlier, this offer from her was probably the last thing Emily would have expected to have happened, the last thing she would have thought Paige would have done for her, but at the same time, it hadn't completely surprised her. There was so much about the other girl she didn't understand, but Emily knew she could be analyzing it eternally and still probably wouldn't know, so instead, she simply decided for tonight to accept her offer graciously. She knew Paige would be back soon, and so Emily reached for the shower knob, turned off the hot water, and reached for her towel.
Standing in the bedroom now, wearing a pair of simple Lions sweats and a t-shirt, Emily towel dried her long dark waves. Feeling like Paige should have been back by now, she reached for her cell and saw it'd been 45 minutes since the other girl had left. She was just about to send her a text to make sure everything was okay, feeling guilty now for allowing her to go out in the night, when she heard the key in the door once again. She breathed a sigh of relief. She admitted that there was a nagging part of her brain that told her maybe Paige wouldn't be returning.
Emily looked up and saw Paige stepping inside the door with a smile, holding up a brown paper grocery bag victoriously.
"I come bearing gluttony," Paige announced as she crossed the room and set the bag down on her desk.
Emily couldn't help but laugh, and it felt good. "I was getting worried."
Paige smiled amusedly, like she hadn't expected that kind of concern from Emily. Paige always seemed so independent, Emily had to wonder if she had someone who worried about her on a regular basis.
Paige pulled out a quart sized tub of ice cream from the bag along with a couple spoons and placed them on the desk as well.
"Well, gluttony is harder to find that I would have expected for a college town," Paige told her sarcastically, and Emily laughed.
"You could have gotten whatever they had," Emily told her sweetly as she crossed over to Paige's desk and reached for the ice cream. "But thank you."
Paige simply shrugged, avoiding Emily's eyes. It made Emily wonder how comfortable Paige really felt around her, if she considered this night some kind of torture, if she was just obliging Emily.
Moving over to her dresser, Paige finally looked over at her again. "I think I'll change if you want to grab a computer and pick a bed."
"Okay," Emily said, nodding nervously as she realized that unless they were going to crowd around one of the desks, the beds were the only place to sit, especially when neither of them had brought a television to school with them.
While Paige pulled some sweats from a drawer, Emily's eyes kept going between the two beds before she finally reached for her own laptop from her desk and crossed back to the other side of the room where she settled on to Paige's bed. It was a weird decision to make, but Emily figured maybe Paige would feel more at ease around her if they weren't in Emily's bed. She deliberately sat down facing the opposite direction of Paige who was just starting to change, hoping to avoid any awkwardness that might inspire Paige to dart.
After all her contemplation in the shower, Emily still couldn't wrap her head around the fact that after weeks of avoiding her, Paige was actually doing this for her.
Just as Emily pulled open the lid of the ice cream tub and reached her spoon in, Paige crawled onto the twin sized bed beside her.
"So, you couldn't get away from the swimming references, could you?" Paige teased, and Emily looked up to see her smirking.
Emily laughed lightly. "When I was little, it was the only thing I would let my parents buy me," she explained. "Little did I know, it was named after a band Phish and not actual fish," she added, shaking her head.
Paige just laughed. It was that same earthy laugh Emily had only heard a couple of times, a laugh that seemed to fit well with the slight raspiness of her voice and the wryness of her sense of humor. Emily smiled hearing it as she scooped a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth, savoring the flavor. She couldn't think of the last time she'd had that taste, and it was better than she'd even remembered.
"How is it?" Paige asked, watching her.
Emily smiled. "You mean eating my feelings?" she asked between scoops.
Paige laughed again. "Yeah."
"Really tasty."
Paige nodded knowingly. "Feelings taste pretty good," she told Emily with a smirk.
Emily held up her spoon with another giant scoop of ice cream on top. "When they're made of chocolate and marshmellowy goodness," she said as she spooned it into her mouth, savoring every bit.
"Well, my feelings are always made of that," Paige quipped in reply.
"Mmm, can I have a taste then?" Emily joked back before she saw Paige begin to blush a little as she reached for the Macbook from the bed and pulled it onto her lap. Emily realized suddenly that maybe those words sounded a whole lot more like flirting than she'd meant for them to.
She chastised herself. Don't screw this up, Emily. Paige was finally hanging out with her, and like always, Emily was enjoying her company. The last thing she needed was to scare her away. She tried not to dwell on why she had said what she'd said, knowing it wouldn't be something she'd ever say to any of her other friends, and she could hardly even call Paige a friend. Just a stupid slip, she told herself as she promised herself not to let it happen again.
Emily turned from Paige just as she opened Emily's computer, and her eyes settled on the image on the desktop, staring back at them. It was another photo of her and Maya together, looking like they were caught in this unworldly level of happiness that seemed now like only a distant memory. It was a photo she once loved, but now it only seemed to taunt her.
All at once, Emily felt the crush of their split coming back to her again, and yet, she couldn't turn her gaze away from the photo. Maya's eyes and her smile and her hair, things she'd never see or touch again. Emily's chest tightened as she tried to keep herself in one piece. She fidgeted, pulling her legs up closer to her body, sniffling away any coming tears and pushing her hair out of her face.
"Hey," Paige whispered softly next to her. She looked up, and Paige's brown eyes were looking at her with this sense of understanding that made it even harder for Emily to hold back her tears. "I know it doesn't seem that way now. But it'll be okay."
Emily released a deep breath. "How do you know?"
"Cause it always is. At least eventually."
Emily nodded, somehow knowing that Paige was speaking the truth, and watched as Paige clicked on the computer and pulled up the settings to change her desktop image.
"Here," Paige told her as she found a new image, one of a pair of bright orange clownfish swimming amongst a mess of seaweed, and set it up on the background of the Macbook. She turned to Emily with a hopeful smile. "It'll go with our theme for tonight."
Emily let out a small laugh that somehow took away some of the pain. "Don't tell me you rented Finding Nemo," she teased Paige.
"No," Paige replied ardently, playfully rolling her eyes like the idea was completely absurd. "Why would I rent that? When I already own it," she murmured, her cheeks flushing pink again.
Cute, Emily thought suddenly as a smile spread across her lips. The thought took her by surprise, but she told herself that it was innocent enough. And it was true. Something about Paige made her smile, and she was grateful for it.
"So it looks like we both spent our childhoods idolizing fish," Emily commented sarcastically.
Paige smirked. "You know what they say. Be careful what you wish for."
Emily let out a light laugh, nodding, thinking about how she was pretty sure the scent of chlorine wasn't ever going to come out of her hair. She was glad that Paige probably couldn't tell though since she spent just as much if not more time in the water. She thought, amusedly, that between the two of them, maybe their entire dorm room was beginning to carry the same chemical aroma of the Natatorium.
"Where did you grow up exactly?" Paige asked. "I don't think I ever asked."
"Rosewood." Emily replied. Off Paige's puzzled look, she continued. "It's outside Philly."
Paige nodded. "You like it?"
Emily shrugged. How did she feel about Rosewood, besides being happy to have gotten out? It was such a complex relationship she had with her hometown. It had brought her so many joys and so many heartaches. It'd been a rocky path growing up there.
"Just your typical small town. It wasn't always easy. You know. People. They talk," she said, thinking back to some of the worst times after she'd come out, when she would overhear people gossiping about her, when they would say things straight to her face, when her friends couldn't shield her from it.
Emily looked over at Paige and saw the realization setting in on her face, and Emily suddenly regretted her words. She had never meant to refer to the things Paige had said, but she knew inadvertently that there was no other place for either of their thoughts to lead.
"Look, Emily," Paige stuttered, looking apologetic. "About what I said that night. When school started."
Emily shook her head, not wanting to look Paige in the eyes. She felt so uncomfortable even thinking about that night, acknowledging that it had happened, and for what? Paige had already done more than enough to make up for whatever was said.
"You don't have to say anything.," Emily told her softly.
"No, I do," Paige insisted, and Emily finally looked up at her again, their eyes meeting. "I'm really sorry. It was stupid."
"It's okay. I know it kind of freaks people out sometimes."
"It wasn't like that. It just…" Paige said, shrugging, "caught me off guard, I guess. But you don't freak me out," Paige emphasized.
Emily nodded shyly. "Thanks," she whispered softly. Even though she hadn't wanted to discuss that awful night, Emily felt better hearing Paige apologize even if her reasons seemed only more confusing. If she wasn't freaked out by Emily, then she wasn't really sure how Paige felt. But at least tonight, things seemed like they might be okay between them.
"So, um, what movie did you get?" Emily asked, in hopes of changing the subject, and Paige didn't object as she reached for the dvd from the desk and popped into the side of the laptop, letting the title coming up on the screen speak for itself.
As Emily saw it, she just smiled.
More than an hour later, the two were still huddled on the bed, halfway through the quart of ice cream and well into watching The Hangover. The night had somehow turned out better than Emily would have ever expected. She'd always loved the movie, but the best part of it was Paige's dry witty sarcasm punctuating it with the funniest commentary that had kept Emily dissolving into laughter at almost every beat.
When Paige had initially suggested the idea, Emily had to admit she didn't think a tub of ice cream and a movie would do anything to make her feel better. Yet, somehow it had kept her mind off of what happened and had kept her from spending hours upon hours crying in her bed.
Over the course of the night, Emily had started to wonder if Paige had given up plans with someone else to hang out with her that night considering the fact that she was out almost every weekend like clockwork. Emily had seen Paige around campus before with her friends, and oftentimes, Emily had caught her walking with the same guy she'd seen her with the first week of school. With Paige gone so often, she thought maybe he was her boyfriend now, that she'd been staying at his place some nights rather than coming home.
Emily finally turned to her at a lull in the film. "So, are you seeing anyone?" she asked inquisitively.
Paige raised her eyebrow when she turned to Emily next to her. "Me? No," she told her, shaking her head.
Emily smirked. "Not even that guy who's always drooling all over you," she teased.
Paige laughed. "Especially not that guy who is always drooling all over me," she insisted before eyeing Emily curiously. "How do you know about that?"
"I saw you guys. On campus. It's pretty obvious."
"It is, isn't it?" Paige replied, wincing. "The thing is, I don't even get it. Girls are always checking him out. It's not like he doesn't have any other options, and for some weird reason, he's hung up on me," she said shrugging.
"Why is that weird?"
Paige shrugged. "You know."
Emily didn't push for an explanation, but as she watched Paige, she became aware that the girl next to her hadn't a clue why someone would be interested in her in that way. It surprised her. Paige always came across as confidant and assured, someone who knew herself and didn't have any insecurities. And maybe that was all true, but nevertheless, it was clear that Paige didn't see what someone else might see in her. For the life of her, Emily couldn't understand why.
A few minutes later, the movie was starting to come to a close, and the wedding scene began to play out on screen. Paige's quips seemed to quiet down as they watched it all unfold, and Emily felt herself grow a touch disappointed that the film was ending, that the night was ending.
"You, uh, gonna have one of those?" Paige asked casually as they both saw the bride in a long flowing dress coming down the aisle on the arm of her father.
Emily's eyes narrowed, unsure what Paige was actually talking about. "What? A wedding?"
Paige simply nodded.
Emily laughed sardonically. "What a topic for tonight."
Paige turned to her, frowning. "Oh, god, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"
"No, it's okay. I mean, it's not like it was something we ever talked about," she explained, and it was the truth. She and Maya had never even discussed the idea of a wedding, whether either of them would want one, what something like that might look like. After all, they were only eighteen.
So right there, Emily found herself trying to imagine it as best she could without having someone to picture it happening with. In her mind, she couldn't even think of flowers or decorations or some fancy car to drive away in. All she saw was being with that one person you loved more than life and knowing nothing would ever tear you apart.
Emily found herself nodding at the idea. "Yeah, I think maybe I'd do the whole pomp and circumstance. I don't know if you could get me in one of those wedding gowns though," she added jokingly.
Paige laughed. "Why not?"
"I don't know. Seems so over the top," Emily replied playfully.
"Maybe." Paige said with a shrug. "You'd look really pretty in a wedding dress though," she added softly, without really looking at Emily.
Emily's eyes narrowed. "You're joking, right?"
Paige looked up at her in surprise. "What?" she said in disbelief. "It'd be a pretty bad joke if I was," she said laughing.
"I just mean…" Emily started, feeling suddenly embarrassed. "You don't really think I'm pretty," she murmured.
Paige shook her head, looking at her like maybe she'd lost her mind. "What are you talking about?"
"It's just," Emily started, shifting uncomfortably. "When we moved in, you looked at me like I was some alien. Like I was this weird grotesque thing you couldn't believe you had to room with."
Paige's face changed, and Emily could tell she looked nervous or uneasy with what Emily had brought up. She started to wish she hadn't said anything at all. Emily realized it was bad enough that she thought Paige might look at her that way, but having it confirmed would be a far worse thing.
"Oh. That," Paige said quietly.
"Yeah that," Emily replied lightheartedly, trying to joke about it all, even though inside, she was feeling so awkward about it all. When Paige didn't reply right away, she felt her stomach start to twist inside of her.
Finally, Paige turned to her. "If you didn't notice, you're kind of intimidating."
Emily couldn't believe her ears. "You're kidding."
Paige laughed again. "You really must think I have some bad jokes."
"It's just…" Emily replied, shaking her head. "I'm intimidating? You're intimidating."
"Me?" Paige asked incredulously. "I am not," she insisted.
"You are!" Emily told her. "I'm always so afraid to say something dumb around you cause I feel like you'll think I'm some idiot," she said shyly.
"Are you serious?"
"Dead serious."
Paige shook her head, "I definitely don't think you're an idiot."
Their eyes locked on each other. For a breath, Emily felt like she couldn't get any words out. Finally, she turned, moving the computer slightly just to do something with her hands.
"Well, good," she said with a nod. "That's settled," she added nervously before finally looking back at Paige, whose brown eyes were still watching her. They shared a smile, and Emily brought her eyes back to the film again.
As she watched the movie draw to a close, she thought again to what Paige had mentioned initially.
"I bet my dad would insist on walking me down the aisle," she said, playfully rolling her eyes.
"Wait. Your parents know?" Paige asked, a surprised look on her face.
"Yeah."
"Wow. They seem really cool then."
"They weren't always," Emily explained. "My dad's an army guy, and they're both so conservative, so it was actually pretty bad at first. Luckily, they came around."
"When did you tell them?" Paige wondered curiously.
With the barrage of questions, Emily was sure Paige must not have ever met another girl before Emily who was gay and figured maybe that's what all the awkwardness between them the last several weeks had been about. Emily hoped now that maybe it would change.
"Almost two years ago. A little while after Maya and I got together," Emily told her, and even simply saying Maya's name aloud felt like another little dagger in her heart.
"I didn't know you guys were together for so long," Paige remarked.
Emily nodded sadly. "Yeah. It was supposed to be our anniversary next weekend."
"I'm really sorry," Paige said sincerely.
Emily swallowed hard trying to push back the lump in her throat that just talking about Maya was bringing back. She could feel her eyes starting to well up again, and she tried to blink them away before Paige noticed.
"What are your parents like?" Emily asked, turning to Paige, hoping to change the topic away from that thing that was making her chest ache.
"My dad, he's… kind of intense," Paige said carefully, as if she were trying to choose just the right words, trying to be diplomatic. "He means well, I think. He just has a lot of expectations on me, ya know? Who I should be," Paige continued.
Emily watched Paige's body tense as she spoke. Her body language made Emily wonder how often Paige talked about her father. It seemed like in just a couple of conversations that Emily could already start to put the pieces together of who he was. She wondered if his expectations were the only reason Paige was studying Economics, if they were the reason why there was a pamphlet on her desk for some investing group, if they were why Paige did anything she did. Emily couldn't help but feel sad at the thought.
"What does he do?" Emily asked curiously.
"He's a State Assemblyman," Paige explained with a nod. "But he's running for Governor of Ohio."
"Wow," Emily replied, eyes wide. "Big time."
"Yeah," Paige said with a heavy sigh.
"I guess it kind of makes sense then," Emily told her sympathetically.
Paige nodded. "Reputation. It means a lot to him."
"What about your mom?" Emily asked hopefully, remembering the inscription on the inside cover of Paige's copy of The Alchemist, the one she had memorized that first night on campus. She felt a touch guilty now knowing about it.
"Oh. She died," Paige said softly.
Emily's heart sank, feeling terrible for even making Paige say it aloud. "I'm so sorry."
"It was a while ago."
Emily could see the sadness in Paige's eyes, and she thought back in her own life, two years prior, what it had felt like when they had found Ali, what it had been like knowing she was gone, that Emily would never see her again. She could only imagine that for Paige, that feeling had been magnified a thousand times.
"I had a friend who died," Emily explained softly. "A few years ago. She was killed."
Paige looked up at her sadly. "That's terrible."
"No. I mean," Emily started, realizing she wasn't saying exactly what she had meant to. "I'm not trying to make this about me or anything. It's not the same thing. Not at all. But knowing how hard that was. I can't even think of what that would feel like. For you. To lose your mom."
"It's hard to lose anybody," Paige told her.
And by the look in her eyes, Emily knew she meant even a friend, even a relationship with somebody, that it could all hurt just the same.
"Do you miss her?" Emily asked carefully.
Paige nodded, her eyes moving to the bookshelf above her bed. Emily's gaze followed.
"She gave me all of those books. They used to be to hers."
Instinctively, Emily found herself moving her hand over and placing it on top of Paige's between them. Even though they had been sitting closely all night, in the same bed, shoulders brushing, something about this move felt so much more intimate. Somehow, right then, Emily felt so connected to Paige, like she could feel everything Paige felt, like somehow they understood each other. They were quiet for a long moment.
Paige finally turned to Emily, forcing a small smile onto her face. "But, hey, this night is for not thinking about sad things, right?" she said energetically, as she reached for the tub of now melted leftover ice cream and stood up from the bed. "I think maybe it's time we move from sweet to salty?" Paige said as she placed the tub on the desk and reached for a giant bag of kettle chips from the grocery bag.
Emily smiled. "It's definitely time," she agreed, feeling oddly grateful that the night wasn't ending yet. It was getting late and they both had early morning practice, but she didn't care. "What movie are we watching now?"
Paige shook her head. "No more movies. I have even better than movies," she said as she reached into her desk drawer. "I have this," she added triumphantly.
Emily laughed at Paige's excitement as she watched her hold up the dvd box in her hands. Emily squinted her eyes to see the title, but she didn't recognize it at all. "What is that?"
"Don't tell me you've never seen this," Paige replied in mock devastation as she moved back to the bed, pulled out the disc, and handed the case and the bag of chips to Emily.
Emily turned over the box in her hands as she eyed the title. "Arrested Development?" she read aloud.
"If you hate it, just lie to me," Paige insisted. "Otherwise, you might break my heart."
Emily laughed. "I'd never dream of breaking your heart," she quipped back as they caught eyes and exchanged another small smile.
Twenty minutes later, they were almost through the first episode, and Emily had known within the first minute she wouldn't have to lie. She had been cracking up the entire time, sometimes at the show and sometimes just at the sound of Paige's laugh.
As the episode ended, Paige looked up to Emily hopefully. "Another?"
Emily nodded with a smile as Paige clicked on another episode to start.
"You know, we should do this more often," Emily said cautiously. She knew the entire night had been for a reason, but inside, she hoped it wouldn't be the last.
"I'd hardly want you to get broken up with again just so we have an excuse to stuff our faces with Phish Food," Paige replied jokingly.
"No. Just hanging out," Emily said with a smile, trying to sound casual about it even though inside, she was nothing but nervous. "Isn't that what roommates are supposed to do?" she teased.
"I've heard that rumor," Paige replied, smirking.
"We wouldn't want to disappoint the rumor mill," Emily suggested hopefully.
Paige nodded in agreement. "Never," she told her with laugh.
Emily felt a rush of warmth wash over her before they both finally turned back to the screen.
Hours later, when the dvd had finally ended, Emily looked over and saw that sometime after Paige had let her head settle onto her pillow, she had fallen asleep next to her. Her eyes were tightly shut, and she was turned slightly on her side facing Emily, with the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest signaling her slumber. Emily took the chance to look at her more closely, examining Paige's features. She let her eyes run over the lines of her face, the curve of her lips, her dark eyelashes. The auburn bangs Paige always wore to the side of her face were falling just slightly in her eyes. Emily couldn't help but notice that there was something so easy about Paige's beauty, something that didn't require makeup or hours of time spent on her hair, that Emily admired.
Finally, Emily shut the computer and turned around to set it on the desk. She took one last look at Paige before pulling herself up and crossing the room to her own bed. It was cold sliding into the sheets, and she didn't completely understand why a part of her didn't want to have to move to her own space. It felt good being around Paige. She made her laugh. She made her feel all sorts of things. She was glad that it finally seemed like they had connected. And that connection somehow eased the heartache inside of her just a little.
Even still, curling up in an empty bed felt even worse now knowing that Maya would never be in it. She had built up so many hopes for that next weekend, what it would be like dragging Maya to class with her, showing her around campus, having her see her first swim meet. Now, Emily was finally allowing herself to accept the painful truth that not only was that weekend never going to happen, but she was never going to get to hold Maya again, love Maya again.
It was over, and it was still coming to her in waves. Another one hit just as Emily turned off her lamp. This time there was no sobbing, no breakdown. Just a few silent tears. Tears of mourning. Something had died and a part of her went with it. And Emily felt herself finally begin to throw the first shovel of dirt over their relationship. Inside, she was still broken, but piece by piece, she hoped that maybe she could find a way to mend herself.