Back again, dolls! A little delayed, but somehow these chapters end up longer than I ever intend them to be. Anyway, here ya go :)
& spikedwatermelon: you are way to kind in your last review. that's such an enormous compliment :) I blushed a little reading it. so thank you!
Chapter Eleven
A few hours later, Emily woke to the sound of a beeping coming from across the room. It felt too soon, like she had just crawled in to bed, and she kept her eyes tightly shut even as she saw the lights appear from behind her lids.
At first, a part of her felt like the memory of last night was nothing more than a hazy dream. It all came back to her as she remembered it from start to finish, from the crushing truth of the breakup to the hours she had spent next to Paige. She had hoped last night when she had crawled into bed that, in the morning, things wouldn't suddenly revert to how they'd been before between them, avoidance and awkwardness, but she didn't think she could ever be sure. Emily felt like she and Paige had made some enormous breakthrough the night before, and despite the circumstances it took, she was happy for it. Emily knew the next few weeks were going to be tough on her, and she was hoping she might have someone to lean on as she pulled herself up from this heartbreak, someone who seemed to understand how much it hurt, how painful it was to lose someone. Even if their losses weren't equal, even if Emily knew hers paled in comparison, Paige had, without even words, let her know that she understood. Last night, Emily had felt so strangely connected to her, and she hoped today that wouldn't change.
As she had drifted to sleep the night before, Emily had taken a moment to consider the fact that soon she would have to start telling other people about the breakup, and she dreaded having to do it. Emily knew how awful it was going to feel every time she had to rehash it to another friend. The day before Emily had momentarily considered calling Jessica before Paige came home, but Jessica had been counting down the days until her trip to Charleston with such utter excitement that Emily couldn't bear to do anything to mar her friend's weekend. She'd decided she would wait until Monday when Jessica was back in town.
As for her other friends, she knew Hanna had been at a sorority dance the night before and probably wouldn't be awake until mid-afternoon. And as much as she knew she needed to let her know, part of Emily didn't want to risk breaking down again already. As far as Aria and Spencer, she considered sending a text, just a few simple words, just so they would know, but Emily realized it was unlikely that they would give her any space. Her phone would be buzzing all day with Aria wanting to see if she needed to talk it out and Spencer wondering what happened. She wasn't in the mood for either.
So she had found herself grateful for Paige's company, for her quiet understanding, for everything she had done for her the night before. Paige had somehow made it so easy to talk to her, had simply let her say what she needed to say and feel what she needed to feel. She had somehow made Emily feel better when she didn't think anything possibly could.
"Wake up, sleepy head," Paige called out, and Emily found herself smiling from underneath the covers as she realized the Paige from the night before had decided to stick around.
"What time is it?" Emily grumbled.
"Time for practice," Paige lamented.
Emily groaned playfully. Suddenly, she felt the covers slowly being pulled from her body and the cold air hitting her skin.
"Hey!" Emily mock protested as she finally opened her eyes.
Above her, Paige stood, still wearing her sweats from the night before, her hair tousled around her shoulders, smirking as she held the edge of Emily's sheets in her hand.
"Do I have to?" Emily asked hopefully. It had been easy staying in last night with Paige, and the idea of facing the world still seemed like more than she really wanted to do already.
Paige took a step closer and sat down on the edge of her bed as Emily pulled herself up until she was seated.
"I can tell Coach you're violently ill, but she might want to see proof," Paige joked, wincing.
"Well, with all that ice cream I stuffed myself with last night, that might not be so hard to produce," Emily quipped back.
Paige laughed, shaking her head, and Emily knew, once and for all, that everything was right between them.
"Don't worry. If you're anything like me, the water will feel good," Paige assured her.
And Emily knew she was right. There was something about the water that was healing. She hated to personify it, but there were times when she would spend hours in the pool like it was some kind of companion as she analyzed all the feelings that were spinning inside of her over Alison so long ago. It had somehow made her feel less alone back then, and while now, she was sure it would do the same, ironically, Paige had already managed to accomplish that herself.
Emily simply nodded in reply just as Paige started to get up again.
Biting her lip nervously, Emily considered saying something more to her. "Paige," she called out.
"Yeah?" Paige said casually as she turned back to Emily.
"Thank you," Emily said sweetly. "For last night." It didn't feel like enough, but it was all Emily could come up with to show how much it had meant to her.
Paige half-smiled. "It was just ice cream."
But Emily knew it was so much more than that.
Emily watched as Paige crossed back over to her side of the room to get ready, while she lingered in bed another moment.
"Don't make me drag you outta there," Paige called out teasingly as she looked over her shoulder, and Emily once again felt her lips curl into a smile.
It felt good to be in the water again, Paige thought as her arms cut through the liquid, feeling it rush around her body. It gave her time to think, to process, to contemplate everything that happened the night before. To think about Emily. She felt like her mind had been running a mile a minute since she had decided to hang out with her the night before, and it felt good to finally be able to relax herself once again.
All along, Paige had known that it would be a dangerous thing, spending all that time with her. Over the last several weeks, Emily had been slowly infiltrating all of her thoughts, practically consuming her, and she knew that getting closer to her would either finally extinguish the fire or ignite something unquenchable. The result had undeniably been the latter.
There was just something about Emily that was addicting. Being around her felt good, like feeling the heat of the sun after a long winter, like finally feeling alive. It felt for Paige like this must have been how addicts were created, that this was how it felt that first time you had a chance to taste a drug, let it rush through your veins, feel it making you whole, and in just an instant you knew, there would never be any way you'd ever be able to go without it. Likewise, Paige knew by now there was no turning back, no resetting the clock, no changing the past, nor did she want to. Somehow, Emily was inside her now. She could feel her.
And so, slowly, Paige had begun to reason with herself.
She could be in Emily's world, she told herself. Paige could experience her glow and her light and all that beauty Emily emanated. They could be friends. It didn't have to mean anything more than that. It wasn't like Emily would ever think of her as something more than that anyway. Paige told herself that it would okay. She told herself it was possible. If Emily was a drug, then Paige would just have to find a way to control her habit.
Later, after the tired swimmers had pulled themselves from the pool and finished showering, they all filed back into the Natatorium, lining up around the pool as Coach Becker and her assistants stood facing them, clipboards in hand.
"As you can all guess, we're here to discuss next Saturday's meet against West Virginia," Coach started. She continued on, explaining the logistics for the meet as everyone anxiously awaited the real reason they all were listening so intently. They all knew that the lineup for the meet would be coming next.
Paige and Emily, who were standing side by side, exchanged a look. Paige knew they both had been spending countless hours in the pool waiting for this moment, and she hoped for both of them it would pay off. She considered how it would be for her if her dad ended up making it to one of her meets to find out that she hadn't been chosen, that she hadn't done enough to secure a spot, that she hadn't been working hard enough. Even though it would be far from the truth, she knew he wouldn't see it that way.
"Don't look so worried," Emily whispered beside her, and Paige looked up to see her smiling encouragingly.
Paige shrugged casually. "I'm not."
Emily raised her brow. "You know you have this in the bag."
Paige eyed her doubtfully. She wondered how they would both react if one of them wasn't chosen. After all, they were each other's main competition. None of the other freshman had really shown themselves to stack up against the upperclassman the way they had, and here they were, finally on each other's side, being pitted against one another.
Paige shifted uncomfortably as Coach Becker started running through the different races before finally reaching the relays.
"Next, we have the 400 Medley," she started, as she gave the breaststroke and backstroke legs to a junior and senior. Paige closed her eyes, crossing her fingers, hoping things would turn out right.
"At butterfly," Becker continued. "We have Paige McCullers."
Paige felt herself take a breath of air as she opened her eyes.
With her elbow, Emily nudged Paige, who turned her head to see Emily smiling at her with a look that said, see. Paige felt her skin flush as she half-smiled. How could it be that Emily's approval felt more satisfying than the position she'd earned, what she had spent weeks in the pool working towards? It didn't make any sense.
"And last for the Medley," Coach continued. "At freestyle, Emily Fields."
Paige released a sigh of relief as she turned to Emily, their gazes finding each other as they shared another smile.
In the background, Coach made a congratulatory speech, but with Emily's eyes on her, Paige couldn't hear any of it.
After dropping off their swim bags at the dorm, Paige and Emily, still dressed in their swim sweats, slid into a booth at a Baby's Burgers, a diner off campus, and ordered a pair of cheeseburgers and fries. Emily had assumed that Paige was going to leave after practice to hang out with her friends, as it seemed she normally did, so Emily was surprised when she asked if she wanted to grab a celebratory lunch together. Now they were talking and laughing, falling into the same easy rhythm of the night before.
"I do not have only child syndrome!" Paige denied playfully.
Emily laughed as she continued teasing Paige. "Of course you do. We both do. Tell me you weren't dreading having to share a room with someone when you got here."
Emily could tell by Paige's face that she was as right as she knew she was, and she smirked at her victory.
"Okay, fine. But that's not a syndrome," Paige replied with a laugh. "You act like we're both diseased. It's not as though my parents spoon fed me my whole life."
"No, but they probably dragged you everywhere to show you off."
"God, my dad still does," Paige lamented laughing.
"See?"
"We never get a holiday without having to throw on the uniform," Paige joked.
Emily shook her head. "Uniform?"
"The 'political family' uniform," Paige said sarcastically, making quotations in the air.
Emily laughed. "What does that even look like?" she asked curiously.
"Lots of buttons and lots of navy," Paige told her with a smirk.
Emily crinkled her nose. "That sounds like first lady attire."
Paige nodded and laughed. "Not far from it."
"No way! I have to see this," Emily replied energetically, just trying to picture Paige dressed in some conservative navy combination skirt suit. It seemed in such sharp contrast to the person Emily was getting to know.
"Just wait," Paige assured her. "I'm sure there will be a photo in the news at some point."
Emily paused for a moment, unsure if Paige's sarcastic tone meant that she was joking or just that the whole concept seemed so completely ludicrous. "Seriously?" she asked.
Paige nodded.
"They news takes photos of you," Emily said, trying to understand. The whole thing seemed to make sense if they were talking about someone she'd heard about on television, not someone she was sitting down to lunch with, not someone she lived with, not someone she found herself caring about.
Paige shrugged. "Mostly at campaign events, fundraisers, things like that. But my dad's campaign manager made sure to let me know that they'd follow me here if they thought they had a story," she explained, rolling her eyes.
"What kind of story?" Emily asked cautiously.
"Use your imagination," Paige told her suggestively.
Emily considered what she said and had an idea that it could be anything from too much drinking to too much drugs to getting knocked up. She started to realize it was probably why Paige wasn't bothering with that boy Emily always saw her with, why she didn't want the trouble. It seemed like such a huge weight to carry on your shoulders, Emily was surprised how casually Paige talked about it.
Emily couldn't even imagine what that kind of life was like, how it felt to have that level of pressure on you. She had her own expectations her parents had for her to live up to, and she'd even managed to disappoint them from time to time, but she couldn't even consider having that many other sets of eyes watching you, judging you, waiting for you to mess up.
"Wow." Emily said, her eyes wide, processing it all.
Across from her, Paige shook her head.
"Save your wows," Paige quipped with a smirk. "Wait 'til you see me looking like a Kennedy," she said as she tossed another french fry in her mouth and winked at Emily.
Emily laughed as she felt her whole body grow warm watching Paige across from her. Just since the night before, Emily had already realized that Paige wasn't anything like her other friends. It amazed her that without speaking for so many weeks, she could feel this good around her, that she could laugh this much, that she could feel like she could completely be herself. It made her hate the fact that they had wasted all those weeks when this, this easiness, was how it could have been all along. Regardless, she was happy they were starting to find it now. It was a strange thought, but Emily somehow felt like they were at the beginning of something she didn't really know how to define.
Hours later, Emily was sprawled out on her bed with her Psychology book as Paige sat studying Economics at her desk. After a long lunch, the two had wandered back to the dorm room knowing that they both had to buckle down and study if they were going to survive midterms the following week. They had been at it now for a while, studying mostly in silence but exchanging a few quips every now and then.
As she came to the end of a section, Emily set down her book and got up from her bed, feeling the need to stretch her legs. She found herself crossing over to Paige's side of the room, something only a few days ago, she wouldn't dream of doing, something that now felt completely natural. She kneeled down onto Paige's bed, running her hands across the titles of books on her shelf. Her hand settled on one, and she pulled it out, holding it in her hands as she curled up on Paige's bed.
"Have you read it?" Paige asked, looking up from her Economics book to see Emily with her copy of You Can't Go Home Again.
Emily shook her head as she glanced over, catching eyes with Paige. "Should I?"
Paige nodded. "But I'm sure I'm biased."
Emily laid down flat on Paige's bed, setting her head down on the pillow as she flipped open to the start of the book and began reading. A couple pages in, Emily finally looked up again and saw Paige's eyes on her. She felt her stomach flutter, and she didn't know why.
"What?" she asked shyly.
Paige smirked a little. "Just jealous."
"What are you reading about?" Emily asked, sitting up to look at the book on Paige's desk.
"Indifference curves? They're very aptly named." Paige said as she stuck her pen in the book and closed it before standing and moving over to the bed, taking a seat near Emily.
"How's it going so far?" Emily asked curiously.
"School?"
"Econ," Emily clarified.
"Oh," Paige replied with a look of distaste. "It's okay. It's a means to an end, right?"
Emily shrugged. "I guess," she said softly, thinking of how much Paige loved fiction and how she was spending her days with her head inside a textbook instead. It didn't seem right. "If that's the end you're trying to get to," she added sweetly.
Paige sighed, nodding. "Unfortunately, the only end I can think about right now is passing this test on Monday."
"On that note, I think my study break should probably be over," Emily replied with a laugh, but for some reason she didn't move. She looked up at Paige beside her and felt her body shift. Their thighs were almost touching, and Emily felt like she had goosebumps everywhere even though she knew she wasn't cold.
"Thanks for the rec though," Emily finally said, placing the book in Paige's lap. "I'll have to pick up a copy at the library tomorrow," she added with a nod.
Paige shook her head as she placed the book back in Emily's hands. "Just borrow that one."
"Are you sure?"
"It's not like I don't know where to find you," Paige assured with a smile, and Emily took the book graciously. She felt honored that Paige would let her hang on to a book that obviously meant something to her. Before she got up, Emily let her eyes run over Paige's face one more time.
"Thanks," she finally whispered.
After a while of studying on her bed, Paige felt herself dozing and made her way back to her desk with her textbook. Trying to work through another chapter of Microeconomics, Paige found herself glancing up at Emily every few minutes. They had both changed from their sweats sometime during their study session and now Emily was just wearing a simple pair of jeans and a t-shirt. She still hadn't put on any makeup and her hair was just a mess of waves. Every once in a while, Paige would notice a strand of hair falling into her face and would watch Emily push it behind her shouder. Paige didn't understand how something so casual could capture her attention, but it did, every single time. As the hours wore on, she started to feel like she was spending far more time studying Emily than studying Economics, and she was worried, knowing that her essay test in two days wasn't going to be on all the facial expressions Emily Fields makes when she's studying.
The sound of Paige's cell beeping twice pulled her out of her thoughts, and she reached for her phone. She opened the text message and saw that it was from Pru.
You're still coming tonight, right?
Paige sighed as she remembered the party Pru had brought up a few days ago, a few days that now seemed like a lifetime with how different things were now. The last thing she wanted to do was leave Emily on her own a day after her breakup while she tended to Pru for another night.
Paige looked over at Emily who was lying on her stomach, a pencil stuck behind her ear as she read through her textbook.
"So I, um, promised my friend Pru I'd go to this really lame party with her tonight," she said aloud, drawing Emily's gaze. "Do you want to come?"
Emily laughed. "Well, when you make it sound so thrilling," she teased.
Paige laughed. "Don't worry about it," she told Emily, shaking her head.
"No, I love lame parties," Emily replied smirking.
Paige nodded, feeling those familiar butterflies in her stomach that seemed to come every time Emily looked at her that way. "Cool."
Paige picked up her phone again and hit the reply button to Pru's message.
Yeah, Paige typed back. FYI, I'm bringing Emily.
Who's Emily? the message said when it popped up a moment later.
My roommate, Paige replied, feeling a little anxious as to how Pru might react.
? ? ? call me, Pru's next text said.
Paige winced, hoping she wasn't going to get an interrogation. Glancing at Emily again, Paige knew she couldn't have this conversation in the dorm room in case she had to explain things to Pru, so she reached for her wallet and keys.
"Hey. I'm going to run down and get a soda," Paige said to Emily, drawing the other girl's gaze. "Do you want me to grab you anything?"
Emily smiled graciously. "I'm good. Thanks."
Paige nodded as she stood up and crossed the room to the door.
As soon as Paige was outside, she dialed Pru's number.
It rang only once before Pru answered. Without even saying hello, Pru launched into her questions.
"What's going on? Why are you bringing your roommate? I thought you didn't like her."
Paige wasn't even sure how to explain how she had gone from avoiding Emily at any cost to spending almost every moment of this weekend by her side.
"I don't not like her. I just…," Paige started, shaking her head at her own foibles the last few weeks, having done everything she could to hide her feelings for Emily under a shield of detest. "Her girlfriend broke up with her. I thought she could use a night out," she explained, hoping Pru wouldn't pressure her more.
Paige could hear Pru sigh on the other side. Despite how much Pru could come off as insensitive, Paige knew she had a big heart when it came to it. "All right, fine. But if she drinks too much and starts bawling, she's your mess."
Paige laughed. "She's not you, Pru," Paige teased, referring back to high school and the last time Pru had suffered a bad breakup, ingested way too much vodka at a party down the street, and sat down on the sidewalk on the way home, sobbing.
"Hey! I resent that!" Pru replied jokingly. "What time should I expect you guys then?"
"10:30?" Paige suggested.
"Now, don't be late," Pru teased. "I have to get there before someone else moves in on Jacob."
Paige rolled her eyes and laughed before they said goodbye, and she hung up the phone. Sliding it into her back pocket, she headed over to Findlay to grab a pair of sodas, just in case Emily changed her mind.
Paige stepped up to the door, Emily and Pru beside her, and knocked a couple times. The party was supposed to be less of a full-blown, all-out gig, and just a casual get-together, but Paige could tell from the music that the plan was still to party hard. The house they were standing in front of was rented by a few guys that Jacob and Collin knew, friends that Paige and Pru had hung out with a few times, and while they knew the boys who lived there and their friends, Paige expected them to have invited enough girls to mix in. She hadn't had any reservations about inviting Emily, knowing that the guys who lived there would be happy to have another girl populating the crowd.
A few moments after she knocked, Collin swung the door open. His eyes immediately landed on Paige, smiling broadly.
"Looks like the party finally arrived," he announced, shouting towards the other people inside, never looking away from Paige. Paige exchanged a look with Emily, whose brows were lifted knowingly.
"You know it!" Pru replied as she stepped in front of Paige and into the house.
Paige laughed as she and Emily followed Pru in.
A few more guys Paige knew as swim teammates with Collin were standing further inside the house with Jacob. They looked up and saw the three girls stepping in.
"Looks like the party brought a friend," one of the guys shouted as Paige noticed all of their eyes moving straight to Emily. Paige looked beside her to see Emily smiling shyly at the attention.
"Guys, this is my roommate Emily," Paige announced to the crew.
Emily waved a hand to the group of people before leaning in to Paige. "You know all these people?" she asked, her eyes moving over the living room where about twenty people were scattered about in groups.
Paige shrugged casually. "More or less."
Emily smiled, seemingly impressed, and Paige fidgeted.
"Beers are in the kitchen if you all want," Jacob announced, motioning to the back.
"Do you want one?" Emily asked as she turned to Paige.
"Sure," Paige replied, moving to follow Emily towards the kitchen.
"Stay," Emily insisted, putting a hand on Paige's arm, the touch making Paige's skin buzz. "I'll grab them."
Emily turned and headed towards the kitchen in the back as Paige watched her out of the corner of her eye. She was dressed casually, in the same skinny jeans, t-shirt and white converses from earlier in the day with a thin, fitted burnt orange hoodie zipped up over top to stay warm for the trek over. Her hair was in pulled to one side and tied into a loose braid. It was so simple, something she had thrown together without even trying, yet Paige couldn't help but think she looked amazing. When Paige finally looked back up to the group of guys she was standing with, she noticed that she hadn't been the only one with their eyes on Emily. A few of the guys had obviously noticed her and were clearly impressed, and it made Paige feel a touch nauseous knowing they'd been leering at her in that way.
"Your roommate, Paige. Damn," one of the guys announced, wide-eyed. "Right?" he added, turning to Jacob, who nodded in agreement.
"Where have you been hiding her?" another one of them chipped in.
Paige shrugged awkwardly.
"You know you guys don't stand a chance," Pru piped in, drawing Paige's gaze. Pru's voice was teasing, but Paige could tell by the look on her face, she was annoyed.
A few of the guys laughed at her as the first one pointed to himself with a look of macho bravado, insisting he'd be the winner of this one.
"Trust me," Pru continued. "She bats for the other team if you get my drift," she told them suggestively, eyebrows raised.
A few of the guys looked at Pru with shock, not sure if she was kidding or not.
"Wow, Pru," one of the guys joked. "Sports references. I didn't even know you knew what baseball was."
"No, but I do know what a lesbian is," Pru told them, cocking her head.
As the boys turned to each other, laughing and processing what she had told them, Paige frowned.
"Pru," she said disapprovingly.
"What!" Pru mouthed in annoyance.
Paige flashed her an irritated glare, and motioned to Pru with her head for her to move away from the group with her so they could talk.
"Um, bitch, much?" Paige demanded.
Pru rolled her eyes. "You know what?" she said, her voice hushed but headstrong. "It's not my fault you had to bring the hottest girl ever to this party. Every guy here, including Jacob, is basically gawking at her. I figured I'd let them know it was a waste of time because I don't know about you, but I actually want to get laid this year."
Paige scoffed. "I guess that answers my question," she replied, shaking her head.
Pru lifted a hand to her hip. "What's your deal? I didn't say anything worse than you have."
Paige sighed. "Well, I was being an asshole then too," she told Pru insistently.
Before Pru could reply, Paige spotted Emily approaching cautiously. She could tell that Emily hadn't heard their conversation, but by the look on her own face, Paige was sure Emily sensed something was wrong.
"Hey," Emily said sweetly as she came up to Paige and Pru, holding two beers in her hands. Pru turned to see Emily and flashed Paige a look that said they'd 'finish this later,' before spinning and disappearing into the other room.
Emily frowned as she handed one to Paige who took it gratefully.
"Thanks," Paige said before taking a long swig from the bottle.
"Is everything okay?" Emily asked hesitantly.
Paige shook her head "Don't worry. Pru's just being herself," she said jokingly, trying to make light of the situation in order to ease Emily's worries. "I'm used to it by now."
Emily nodded uneasily.
Paige smiled in hopes of dissolving the tenseness. "Come on. Let's go downstairs."
As they reached the bottom of the stairs, they saw a crowd of people gathered around a table where a game of beer pong had been set up.
A girl was holding up one of the guy's arms who had obviously won the last round. "Do we have a challenger?" she asked, looking for an opponent for the next match.
"I think I can take him," Paige announced, drawing Emily's surprised smile. "You want to play?" Paige asked, and Emily shook her head fervently.
"You go," Emily insisted.
Paige frowned and Emily shook her head again. Paige laughed, relenting, as she moved over to the empty side of the table just as a few cheers erupted and another coed poured the cups on Paige's side full of beer.
Fifteen minutes later, the game was neck and neck. Paige glanced over to see Emily leaning against the wall by herself, smiling as she watched the game, her hands shoved inside her front pockets.
Paige motioned to her to come closer. "Come play."
Emily blushed, shaking her head. "I can't."
Paige nodded. "Yeah, you can," she insisted. The last thing she wanted was for Emily to be on the sidelines all night. It was the first time they'd been out together and even though she didn't have much to offer besides a stupid beer pong game, she hated to think Emily wasn't enjoying herself.
"I don't even know how," Emily replied as she pushed off the wall and moved a bit closer to Paige.
"Come on. It's easy."
Paige held up a ping pong ball, and Emily opened up her hand to take it. Their fingers just barely grazed as Paige placed it in her hand, and it felt like someone had hit Paige's body with an electrical charge.
Emily bit her lip nervously, shaking her head. "If you say so," she replied as she turned to the table and held up the ping pong ball, taking aim at one of the beer-filled cups on the other side before tossing the ball.
Opposite them, the boy they were playing dodged out of the way as the ball overshot the table by a couple of feet.
"Okay, maybe it's not that easy," Paige said, laughing as she turned to Emily.
"I told you!" Emily exclaimed, playfully shoving Paige as they laughed together.
Later, Paige and Emily sat side by side on a sofa in the basement, huddled together, talking and laughing, as if there was no one else around them. Despite Emily's painfully terrible beer pong skills, they had still managed to be victorious, saving themselves from having to down a wealth of lukewarm cheep beer. Over the last hour, their conversation had drifted easily and now they were huddled around each of their cells, trading off playing songs for each other as they discussed their favorite musicians. Emily had just finished letting her listen to a song by Sade while now, Paige was holding her cell to Emily's ear so she could hear Bon Iver.
Sitting so close to Emily, Paige couldn't stifle the same undeniable attraction to her she always felt, but what continued to surprise her was how easily they connected, how everything seemed to flow so naturally between them. Paige had this strange sensation like they had always known each other.
Just then, as Paige was about to flip to a new song, she heard a voice.
"Hey, Paige."
Paige and Emily both lifted their heads to see Collin standing above them with a broad smile. Paige winced internally.
"Hey Collin," Paige said as he sat down on the other side of her than Emily was seated. She looked over to Emily who flashed her a teasing wink. Paige playfully rolled her eyes before turning to Collin again.
"Um, I don't know if you officially met my roommate," she said to him, motioning to Emily beside her. "This is Emily, she's on the swim team with me."
"Oh, cool. Hey," Collin said, looking around Paige to catch eyes with Emily.
"Hi Collin," Emily said with a knowing smile that Paige couldn't miss. Another thing she didn't fail to see was how incredibly awkward this was even though neither Collin nor Emily would ever realize it.
"I saw you guys in the pool this morning. Looks like your coach is working you guys to the bone," Collin said to them as Paige slowly realized Collin hadn't just come to say hi, but to talk, and there was no way to get away from this.
"Yeah," Paige replied, nodding. "First meet is Saturday."
"Us too. I heard you're swimming the medley relay."
"You did?" Paige asked.
Just then, she felt a touch on her shoulder and turned to see Emily tapping her.
"I think I'm going to go get another drink," Emily told her as her eyes moved from Paige to Collin. Paige wanted to make up an excuse why she needed to go with her, but she couldn't come up with anything. Instead, she nodded disappointedly as Emily got up from her seat.
Paige finally turned back to Collin, forcing a smile.
After it felt like some time had passed, Paige glanced at her cell and noticed it had been an hour since Emily went for a beer. She furrowed her brows wondering why she had never returned. Paige turned to Collin and excused herself as she stood from the couch and began making her way through the house. She checked a few of the rooms downstairs before heading up and poking her head around the living room until she ended up in the kitchen where she finally spotted Emily standing around with a few people.
Paige watched as the group, Emily included, chanted "Go! Go! Go!" as one of the boys downed a shot of tequila. Paige couldn't help but laugh as Emily pounded her fists along the table excitedly.
Glancing at the kitchen table, Paige saw an array of shot glasses and realized what Emily had been pulled into. She was obviously inebriated, but the half empty bottle of tequila the few of them had been sharing was a clear indicator of just how far gone Emily must have been.
When their gazes finally caught, Emily's eyes lit up instantly.
"Paaaaige!" Emily shouted, a huge drunken grin across her face as she stumbled away from the group she'd been hanging out with.
Paige let out another laugh. Even this soused, Emily was, without a doubt, adorable.
"There you are," Paige told her as Emily reached her side. "I thought I lost you."
Emily smiled. "How could you lose me? I'm not, like, a purse or something," she added, giggling at her own joke, before her expression became suddenly serious. "Hey, where is my purse?" she asked, slightly frantic as she looked around her.
Paige tried to keep a straight face, tried not to laugh. "You didn't bring one, Em," Paige told her, and as her name rolled off her lips, she realized it was the first time she had called her that and felt somehow like it had some weight for their relationship. Nicknames.
"Oh!" Emily exclaimed. "Then, where's my phone?" she asked with a confused expression on her face.
"You left it on the couch," Paige told her, smirking as she lifted it up in her hand. Emily didn't bother to take it from her, so Paige slid it into her back pocket again as Emily turned, leaning up against the wall next to her.
"Where did you go? I missed you." Emily asked innocently, leaning her shoulder against Paige's.
Paige laughed again lightly, shaking her head, not even bothering to answer her.
Emily was so close now, Paige could feel the warmth of her body. Their arms were both dangling next to each other and the backs of their hands, their fingertips, just barely grazed. Paige hadn't meant for Emily to get so drunk, she'd meant to keep an eye on her the entire night, to keep her within her sights, but so far, it seemed like she was happily intoxicated, and Paige was at least a little bit glad. As the night had gone on, Paige was feeling like it was getting harder and harder to act casual around Emily, to not have her attention on her at every moment, to not always be close to her, and she was worried that Emily might have noticed.
Briefly, Paige wondered where Pru had wandered off too. After everything Pru had said earlier, Paige had hoped she would keep her distance from them for a number of reasons. First, Paige hadn't want Pru, equipped with a few glasses of liquid courage, to say anything directly to Emily's face, and second, Paige was pretty sure if Pru saw how she was fidgeting around Emily, she might think something wasn't quite right.
"How's Collin? He really likes you," Emily slurred out.
Paige nodded, still annoyed that he had interrupted them. "I noticed," she lamented.
"I mean really, really likes you," Emily continued insistently. "He was like staring at you all night."
Paige's eyes narrowed. "He was?"
Emily only nodded in return.
Paige realized that she couldn't possibly have noticed since she hadn't been able to take her eyes off of Emily for long enough to see anyone else. Being this close, Paige had taken every opportunity to study the lines of her face like she was a work of art, trying to figure out how she was put together, trying to understand how she could be that beautiful.
"I wish someone looked at me like that," Emily murmured sadly, and Paige looked over at her to see her gazing out at the room filled with people.
Paige felt her heart sink to think that Emily truly believed that was the case. There were a dozen things Paige thought of to say, about how she looked at Emily, about how she felt for her, but she knew she couldn't tell Emily a single one of them. It was a sad, painful truth.
So instead, she pushed herself off the wall and motioned with her head towards the front door.
"Come on. Let's go home."
The night was chilly as the two girls made their way across the dimly lit campus. The moon was shining brightly above them, and a speckling of stars dotted the dark sky. Campus was quiet, and so far, they'd only seen a few people out. Paige had let Pru know they were heading out, and in return, Pru had promised that someone would walk her back to her dorm when she finally decided to leave. Paige had a sense they were going to have it out when they finally spoke again, but she didn't care. She'd decided that Pru had earned a piece of her mind by now after everything she put up with on her front. Besides, they had known each other for so long now, a few words could be said every now and then without it changing their friendship.
Paige looked over at Emily next to her, who was walking a little unsteadily still with a small smile on her face. Thinking back to earlier in the night, Paige had felt this sense of protectiveness come over her when Pru had started on about Emily. After everything Emily had been through with her ex-girlfriend the day before, Paige couldn't let her feel any more hurt.
"That's a really pretty fountain," Emily slurred drunkenly.
Paige laughed out loud as she looked up to see what Emily was referring to, a giant granite fountain that sat in the center of the campus
"Yeah, it's a, uh, a great fountain," Paige replied, playing along.
Emily turned to her suddenly, her eyes bright. "We should go swimming!" Emily announced excitedly as she reached her hand up and held on to Paige's elbow, pulling her towards the fountain..
"What?" Paige asked in disbelief as she followed Emily a couple of paces.
"We should swim, in the fountain. I mean, that's what we do. We're swimmers. We should swim," Emily explained, as if this was the most logical next step.
Paige hardly knew what to do if Emily was actually serious. She was pretty sure that in the clear light of day, Emily probably would be having second thoughts about taking such a dip.
"Um, you know, the administration might frown on that," Paige suggested hopefully.
"They'd understand," Emily insisted. "We'd just say we were practicing. They know we have to practice," Emily told her as she dropped her grasp of Paige's elbow and started stumbling over towards the fountain.
Watching her, Paige laughed aloud again just as she felt a buzzing in her back pocket. She reached back and pulled out Emily's cell phone.
"It's you," she called out to Emily who was inching closer to the nearby fountain.
"Who is it?" Emily asked as she looked over her shoulder.
Paige glanced at the caller id as the cell rang again. "Spencer?" Paige told her unsurely as she saw Emily hop up onto the ledge of the fountain, balancing as she began walking around its perimeter. Her arms were outstretched as if she was walking on a balance beam, even though the ledge was at least a foot wide.
"You get it," Emily shouted back as she placed one foot in front of the other unsteadily. Then, as if she'd had a sudden revelation, Emily stopped and turned to Paige. "Just don't tell her about Maya," Emily insisted dramatically, her eyes wide.
Paige let out another laugh and she answered the call. "Emily's cell."
"Who is this?" a confused voice asked from the other end of the line.
"It's Paige," she replied nervously.
"Where's Emily, and why are you answering her phone?" Spencer bit sharply, and Paige realized she knew exactly who she was speaking to.
"She's just a little incapacitated right now," Paige tried to explain.
"You didn't poison her, did you?" Spencer replied scornfully.
"Yeah. I'm standing over her with a bottle of arsenic," Paige quipped sarcastically.
"That's not funny," Spencer replied sternly.
Paige rolled her eyes as she looked over at Emily again and saw a flash of orange on the ground that she recognized as Emily's hoodie. She realized quickly that Emily had already begun to shed her clothes to get in the fountain.
"Shit! I'll just have her call you," Paige said as she hung up and scrambled over to Emily standing at the edge of the fountain, her arms twisted as she was now struggling to tug off her t-shirt.
"Whoa there, killer," Paige said, reaching for Emily's hands to stop her from removing her top. "Maybe you should keep that on."
Emily giggled. "I can't swim with my clothes on, silly. Neither can you," Emily told her drunkenly, as she reached for Paige's waist and threaded her fingers through the loops of Paige's jeans.
Instantly, Paige felt her stomach flip, felt herself grow lightheaded at the touch of Emily's hands on her. She knew her cheeks must have been flushing red with embarrassment as Emily tugged Paige forward until Paige almost fell into her. Their bodies were closer to each other now, only an inch apart as Paige's eyes scanned Emily's face. Everything inside of her wanted to touch Emily, wanted to feel her skin and her lips and her hair, but Paige felt frozen in place, going out of her mind with this whirlwind of attraction and panic. Nothing had ever felt so good as this, as Emily touching her. Before Paige could react, Emily had moved her fingers to the button of Paige's jeans and had begun to undo them.
"Okay, okay," Paige said, laughing nervously as she reached for Emily's wrists to stop her. "Um, Emily?"
Emily looked up innocently. In her current state, she hadn't a clue what she was doing or the effect it was having on Paige, who was trying to handle all the nerves firing inside of her simultaneously. No matter what her body was telling her, Paige knew this, this couldn't happen. And she had a million reasons as to why.
"Maybe another time we'll swim in the fountain," Paige said softly, unsure even of how strong her own willpower was anymore.
Emily flashed a child-like frown. "Promise?" Emily asked, dropping her hands to her sides.
Paige released a deep breath. "Yes."
"Okay," Emily replied, seemingly content with the agreement as Paige handed her the hoodie she'd taken off a moment ago, and Emily slid it back onto her body.
Paige helped her off the ledge of the fountain, and they started towards Brumbaugh again. It was silent at first, and Paige felt so on edge after what just happened that she couldn't think of a single word to say. Her body was still buzzing all over, and even though the temperature outside had dropped, she felt hot.
Suddenly, Paige felt something on her arm and looked over to see Emily casually linking her own arm around Paige's. Emily's head was tilted up, looking up at the stars above, and there was a small smile on her face that Paige couldn't take her eyes away from.
"I'm glad we're friends," Emily said happily as she took another step and stumbled once more. Paige steadied her and simply laughed, shaking her head.
As they continued walking through the quiet night, Paige knew that if anyone saw them together, they wouldn't think anything of it. Just two girls with their arms linked, stumbling back to their dorm. And a part of her just wished it could be that easy.
As they stepped into their dorm room, Emily crossed unsteadily and let her body lean up against her desk. Paige took Emily's phone out of her own pocket before moving to Emily's drawer and reaching in, pulling out the other girl's pajamas and setting them, along with the phone, next to her so that she could change.
"Here's your…" Paige said, and Emily looked up at her sweetly and smiled. Paige could tell by her eyes that all the alcohol had now been translated to exhaustion. "I'll be right back," Paige added as she reached for her toothbrush and quickly made her way to the bathroom, hoping when she returned, Emily would be dressed. The idea of Emily naked, a drunk Emily naked was just too much to consider.
When Paige returned a few minutes later, she saw that Emily had changed in to her pajamas and was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at something in her lap. As she slowly moved closer, Paige caught a glimpse of Emily's eyes glassy and wet with tears that hadn't yet fallen. Paige took a seat next to her as Emily's gaze remained fixed. Paige looked down and could see that Emily had picked up her cell phone from the desk and was looking at a photo of Maya. Scanning Emily's face, Paige could see the pain coming over her again as she tried to hold back her tears as her lip trembled. She could tell Emily was still lushed, but Paige knew that probably made it all hurt even more.
Eventually, Emily opened her mouth and whispered sadly, "Why doesn't she want me?"
Emily looked over to Paige, her eyes full of tears.
Paige shook her head compassionately, feeling her chest begin to ache to see Emily cry again. "It's her loss."
Emily's face softened as she looked at Paige, their eyes locked for a long moment before Emily lifted her arms and wrapped them around Paige's neck, tucking her face into Paige's shoulder and hugging her gently. Paige closed her eyes, letting the feeling of Emily's arms around her settle in to her. She lifted her own arms and reached around Emily's waist until they were embracing each other. Neither of them said a word.
Slowly, Paige felt tears begin to fill her own eyes as well as she realized how much this actually hurt. Paige realized regretfully that she would never be allowed to be any closer to Emily than this, than friends. And deep inside, she knew that being this close would never ever be close enough. She knew that it would always ache like this. But at the same time, she didn't care.
Holding her tightly, Paige breathed Emily in. The smell of her hair and her skin. The warmth of her body. It was as if nothing compared to her. To Emily. To her smile and the sound of her laugh and even the sight of her tears. It was all too much.
She felt like her heart was cracking open, letting Emily inside of it.
Maybe she hadn't really thought this one though. Maybe she was in way over her head. Maybe she was going to drown.
Because right then, it certainly felt like she couldn't breathe.
Yet, in that moment, Paige thought that if this was what drowning felt like, if this was what it felt like to fight for air, to feel yourself going under... maybe she wanted to.