Hi, lovelies! Okay, I know that this took way too long to get up, and I'm so so so sorry! (a thousand million times over sorry) about that. Life got really crazy, and I didn't have as much time to write this week as I would have liked, but I stayed up til 3am last night and whatever time it is this night trying to finish this chapter so I hope you will accept my humblest apologies. And thank you thank you thank you for sticking around :) :) I have a bunch of time this weekend, so more should be up then.
Thanks to all the new people who just discovered the story and left me a review. Glad to have you along for the ride :)
spikedwatermelon: you never ever fail to make me blush. your comments are so incredibly sweet, and I can't say how happy I am that you are enjoying my story. honestly, it means a lot to me to read your reviews :) and I'm so glad you liked "holy shit" ;)
choeyfan88: glad you hadn't forgotten about S, because I sure haven't ;)
Katie: thank you so so so much! honestly, what you said means a lot to me. it does take some time out of my life to write, but I love it thanks to amazingly kind comments like this :) so thank YOU for leaving me a message.
Linzlilly: that is the ultimate compliment, and I am ridiculously flattered! I am so glad you decided to start reading :) I promise that even though you won't get to read it all in one sitting, the payoff will be great in the end :)
marsou: you are so right about Emily's friends. no drowning, but on the show, Spencer practically went nuclear on Paige just over the gay remark, and I figure Jessica has a little bit of that feistiness in her as well.
all right, let's do this...
Chapter Fourteen
Sometime the next day, Emily felt Hanna's foot against her back, jolting her awake after a few nudges. Emily groaned in protest, unsure of what time it was as she remembered, regretfully, that she'd stayed at Hanna's dorm. Still exhausted, Emily moved over to get away from Hanna's kicks when a groggy voice sounded out.
"Your cell," Hanna grumbled, nudging Emily again with her knee.
"What?" Emily mumbled back.
"Your cell. It won't stop," Hanna repeated, her head still covered in blankets.
Emily sat up on her elbow, and finally, her ears adjusted to being awake. As she listened, she recognized the incessant beeping of her cell phone battery dying.
"It'll be dead in a sec," Emily groaned, laying her head back down, not wanting to extricate her body from the warmth of the bed.
"It's been ringing all morning," Hanna slurred out in response.
Emily sat up again, rubbing her eyes, and slid out of Hanna's bed. The room was still dim, thanks to the tightly drawn shades, and Emily hadn't a clue what hour it was. They had left the party late, and by the time they'd gotten back to the dorm, it had been after 3am. By now, Emily knew it must have been late morning at least. Emily searched through her things, finally finding her old oversized coat that she'd discarded on the ground, and reached into her pocket to find her cell phone. As expected, the battery was nearly dead, but she also noticed that Hanna was right. She had three missed calls and several texts. All from Paige.
Flipping one of the most recent texts, Emily read it silently.
Can you call me? was all that it said.
Emily felt her stomach twisting into knots as the night before came back to her in all it's embarrassingly shameful glory. She and Paige never had a chance to talk after Hanna had pulled her away, and for all Emily knew, Paige regretted saving her from that boy. All night, Emily hadn't been able to get that look on Paige's face out of her head. It was this mix of horror and trepidation and panic that had made Emily feel nauseous. There she had been, thinking all these incredibly inappropriate things, while Paige had risked her reputation to do her a favor. Now, Emily wasn't even sure where things stood between them. And why had Paige been calling her all morning? Emily felt a sense of dread wondering what she had to say. Maybe someone had seen them dancing? Or worse, had she noticed that Emily had been looking at her that way? She felt nauseous all over again.
Emily hit the button to call Paige, and just as it began to ring, her phone blinked off as the battery died.
"Damn it," Emily cursed in frustration.
Slipping into her clothes from the night before, including the oversized coat and sweats she'd worn over her outfit, Emily crossed back to Hanna's bed.
"Hanna," Emily said in a loud whisper.
"Mmm?" Hanna murmured without even opening her eyelids.
Emily sat down on the bed next to her. "I'm heading home, okay?"
"Coffee," Hanna replied softly. "You need to spill," she added, opening one eye just a touch.
Emily laughed. "You want me to spill coffee?"
Hanna smirked, as she finally opened her eyes. "No, you're going to spill over coffee."
Emily nodded, forcing a fake smile. Right. Emily's type. Hanna still wanted to question her.
"Didn't think I'd forget, did you?" Hanna added with a smirk.
Emily shook her head. "Just come over when you get up," she told her, hoping that Hanna would take her time. Now, Emily needed to talk to Paige, and while she wasn't sure what she was going to say, she knew she wanted to have some time with her alone.
Fifteen minutes later, Emily unlocked the door to her dorm room and stepped inside. Just as she shut it behind her, she felt a pair of arms wrap around her. Emily could feel her body melt unintentionally as she recognized the scent of Paige's skin, that hint of lavender that Emily had come to know, and savored the feeling of Paige's warmth as she held her. Her brain felt fuzzy from still being half asleep, and all she could do was return the embrace, letting her arms wrap around Paige's narrow waist.
"I was about 10 minutes from calling campus security," Paige breathed into Emily's neck before Emily even had a moment to wonder why Paige was hugging her.
"You were worried?" Emily asked in confusion when they finally released each other. As their arms dropped, their hands grazed, lingering on each other, and it made Emily think back to the night before, how easily their hands had fit together, how comforting it had been then, how comforting it still was. She told herself to ignore it, to not think about why it might feel so right. Friends don't hold hands, and that's what they were.
As their hands fell to their sides, Paige took a step back, allowing Emily to examine her finally. Emily was a touch relieved seeing how Paige was dressed compared to the night before. The weather had grown cold over the last few months of school, and Paige had on a pair of baggy sweats and a long-sleeved t-shirt on top. The top was so big on her that the sleeves fell past Paige's hands and made her look cozy and warm. Her hair, pulled back in a low ponytail, was still just a touch damp from a shower, and her face was scrubbed clean of all the makeup she'd worn the night before revealing just the softness of her pale cheeks.
"You never came home last night," Paige explained with a small frown.
Realization set in for Emily as to why Paige had been so worried. They always let each other know where they'd be, if one of them was going to be out late, if they'd decided to crash somewhere. In all of last night's chaos in her head, she hadn't even thought to let Paige know she wouldn't be back. It was in to the early afternoon already now, and she still hadn't been in touch. Emily knew she probably would have panicked just the same way if it the situation were reversed.
"I wasn't thinking," Emily replied, shaking her head at her own mistake. "I crashed at Hanna's, and my phone was dead this morning. I should have called you last night."
"No, it's okay," Paige insisted, as if she felt guilty now for making Emily feel bad. "I just started thinking about that douchebag from last night…" she started to explain, wincing at the mention of him, "that maybe he got his hands on you again or something."
Emily offered a small smile remembering how good it had felt when Paige had stood up for her. "I think he knew to stay away after you gave him what he deserved," she teased.
"He deserved way more than that. A kick to the groin, perhaps?" Paige added with a smirk.
Emily laughed. "I'd have paid to see that."
Paige smiled with a gleam that said that she was pretty damn close to doing it, which only made Emily laugh again.
"So, how was the rest of your night?" Paige asked, leaning up against her wardrobe.
"Oh, um, it was okay. I felt kind of weird talking to anyone else after what happened. I probably never should have gone to the party in the first place," Emily replied sadly. She had thought it might be uncomfortable being at a place where she didn't seem to fit in, and her instincts had been right. It wasn't her scene, a bunch of guys and girls trying to hook up, and she wished she'd just spent Halloween at home in her sweats instead.
"Yeah, the whole thing was kind of lame. We should have ditched," Paige told her with a hopeful smile, to which Emily nodded in return. "Next time?"
They shared a smile, but inside, Emily felt her guilt seething as they danced around everything else that happened after that guy had left the picture and before Hanna had arrived. She knew she should tell Paige, confess, reveal how she had lied, but she was terrified. There was no way to explain why she said what she said without telling Paige about all those things she'd been thinking. She knew Paige would be upset, even mad, because who wouldn't be? Paige had been trying to help her, and Emily took it too far. She'd let herself get carried away for reasons she still hadn't narrowed down. Maybe she just missed being with someone, and for a moment the night before she felt that feeling of being cared for again that way and didn't want to let it go. And if you mixed that with the physical attraction she felt for Paige, one that had maybe been there from the start, one that she'd always been able to sweep under the rug, that had managed to resurface at the sight of her wearing that outfit, maybe her mind had just gotten all mixed up. Foggy, misdirected emotion was all it was. And it was over now, she told herself, completely over.
Crossing the room and shrugging off the bulky coat, Emily looked back up and over to Paige who was standing near her desk now, pushing around the items on the desk, looking for something.
"Paige?" Emily said softly, drawing Paige's eyes again.
"Yeah?" Paige replied, looking up.
With Paige's expectant gaze on her, it was as though, all of a sudden, Emily didn't know what she had wanted to say. She let out a long breath before finally finding her words.
"Last night…I didn't get a chance," Emily started. "But thank you. I don't know how I would have gotten out of that otherwise," she added nervously, tucking her hair behind her ear.
"It's nothing." Paige told her, their eyes still locked on each other.
As casual as she tried to be, Emily knew that Paige was wrong, that what she'd said and done wasn't just some silly lie for her but a risk she took. And it meant something to Emily that she did it.
"It wasn't nothing." Emily countered, shaking her head. "I mean, you got in that guy's face. It was kind of amazing," Emily added with an impressed smile.
Paige blushed a little out of embarrassment. "You'd have done the same," she replied with a shrug as she looked away.
Emily found herself biting her lower lip, watching the flush in Paige's cheeks finally fade as she looked up at Emily again. Emily nodded as their eyes caught.
"You're right. I would have," Emily told her, and they shared another small smile.
Even if Emily wasn't nearly as brave, she knew that if the moment came, she would have done exactly the same thing for Paige. The idea of anyone hurting her made her cringe. There was nothing she wouldn't do to stop something like that from happening. Paige meant so much to her. In fact, Emily couldn't even define how much Paige had come to mean to her the last few months.
As they stood there, across the room from each other, their gazes lingered. Emily couldn't help but feel like there was something different between them now. As much as she had expected the night before to have changed things between them, change them in some awful way, somehow it seemed as though the exact opposite had happened. Now, Emily felt even closer to Paige, connected to her in this intangible way. It was as though both of them suddenly realized just how much they meant to each other.
At that moment, Emily made a promise to herself. She couldn't ruin this. She couldn't lose Paige. She couldn't tell the truth. She told herself that as long as she never looked at Paige that way again, she wouldn't need to tell her about the lie, about the looks, about what she'd done.
Emily finally broke the stare, running a hand through her hair.
"I should shower. Hanna's coming over so we can go grab coffee, and my hair is practically a rat's nest right now." Emily looked back up to see Paige's eyes still on her, smirking as she examined Emily's hair. "Do you want to come?" Emily asked hopefully. Part of her thought that if Paige was so good at saving, maybe she could save her from this coming interrogation.
"I would, but that Econ paper still hasn't written itself like I'd hoped," Paige replied with a frown.
Emily nodded. "If Hanna shows," Emily started as she grabbed her towel.
"Yeah, I'll entertain her," Paige offered in response.
As soon as Emily disappeared to the showers, Paige collapsed on her bed feeling grateful that Emily was finally home. Throughout the night, she'd woken up practically hourly to see if she had returned, but morning came, and she still hadn't arrived. She'd started worrying, sending her a few texts and finally calling her sometime around 9am, hoping that maybe she'd just forgotten, but she hadn't gotten an answer.
As the morning stretched on, she had still heard nothing from Emily, and by noon, she'd been sick with worry. Her mind had been racing with all the different scenarios, and she chastised herself for leaving the party without her. It'd been selfish taking off, but at the time, she'd been such a wreck that she could barely hold herself together. Now, she couldn't imagine the guilt if something had happened to Emily that she wouldn't have been there to stop.
Yet, now, Emily was home, safe, and Paige was beyond relieved. She knew it was ridiculous to be so concerned about her, but she was. Last night seemed to prove just how much she cared about Emily, just how far she would go to protect her, and despite how strong Paige knew her feelings were, her own behavior had still surprised her. It was rash and impulsive and far too easy to take Emily by the hand, to say she was her girlfriend, to hold her tightly. Yet, despite how much she had risked that night, the feel of Emily's body against hers, the smell of her hair, the touch of her fingers mingling with her own, it had all stayed with her. The desire to kiss her had been so overwhelming that Paige was only now starting to recover from how much it had rocked her. Even when Emily returned, wrapping her arms around her had been the only thing Paige could do to stop herself from pressing her own lips to hers and admitting everything to her, admitting that she'd been crazy with fear that something had happened to her because the truth was that Paige wasn't sure how to be without her. Thankfully, she'd held it all in, as she had been doing for weeks now.
Lying down on her pillow, Paige rehashed the night before in her mind. Just after midnight, just after Paige's near emotional breakdown in the bathroom, she and Pru had meandered back to campus and back to Paige's dorm room. During the walk over, Paige hadn't said a word, and Pru hadn't argued. Pru had walked her upstairs where Pru waited as Paige changed into her pajamas. Her body had felt limp with exhaustion, from all of the emotions that had been rushing through her because of what happened, what almost happened with Emily. Paige had been berating herself the entire way home, cursing herself for doing what she'd done, for getting herself so close to Emily, for touching her that way, dancing with her, for letting how badly she wanted her almost come to the surface. She was glad that Hanna had showed up. She'd felt grateful for being saved from such an utter mistake, from such a lapse in judgment that could have destroyed not only Paige's life, but their friendship as well.
The entire time Paige had been dressing into her pj's, Pru had watched her curiously until Paige had finally plopped down on her bed, leaning her back against the wall. Pru had moved over to Paige and sat down near her, turning her body to face her. Paige couldn't bear to look at her, feeling the tears starting to resurface. She was a wreck, a complete wreck, and not just because of what almost happened, but because it forced Paige to realize just how completely out of control she was when it came to Emily. So instead, she had just stared at the opposite wall, at Emily's made bed across from her, and it amazed her that even after everything, after nearly screwing everything up because of how she felt for her, all she could do was wonder when Emily would be home. She'd shaken her head at herself. How ridiculous was she? How pathetic was she? Feeling this way for someone who didn't feel the same way back.
Eventually, Pru had finally broken the long silence as she reached a hand across to touch Paige's arm. It had jolted her back to reality.
"Paige," Pru had whispered.
Paige finally tilted her head to look at Pru, seeing the concern in her eyes. It had made her so uncomfortable. Pru knew something was utterly wrong, and Paige hadn't known how to explain.
"Are you okay?" Pru had asked cautiously.
Paige had nodded numbly, not saying a word.
Pru had eyed her with concern, leaning in, trying to catch Paige's gaze as if she was hoping to get a clue as to what was going on with her. "Did something happen tonight?"
Paige had shook her head in response. Nope, nothing, Paige had thought. Nothing happened. Nothing happened with Emily. Nothing like almost kissing her, like Paige had been wanting to do for weeks. Nothing like feeling for just a brief moment what it must feel like to have Emily be yours.
Pru had frowned beside her. "There's not anything you want to talk about?"
"No," Paige had said softly.
Pru had nodded hesitantly. "Do you want me to stay?"
Paige had shaken her head again. "It's okay," she'd whispered. The last thing she'd wanted was for Pru to stay, for her to be there when Emily got home. Pru would say something to her, would tell her something was wrong with Paige, and who knew what Emily would think was the reason. They'd probably both think she'd lost her mind. It was bad enough just having Pru look at her this way. She couldn't let Emily think something was up.
Pru hadn't seemed to be budging though.
Paige finally lifted her gaze to meet Pru's eyes. "Pru, I'm fine. I promise," Paige had insisted.
Pru's eyes had lingered on Paige's face after Paige had looked away, her eyes moving to her hands fidgeting in her lap. It was a long beat of silence as Paige felt Pru watching her, examining her, hoping to find some piece of the puzzle.
"I wish you'd talk to me, Paige," Pru had finally whispered sympathetically.
Paige had simply nodded sadly, letting her eyes find Pru's again. And with a forlorn look and a small shrug, Paige had told her, "Maybe someday."
They didn't say another word to each other, and eventually, Pru had given her a small hug before taking off back to her own dorm. Paige had lain down on her bed and tried to sleep, wondering when Emily would return, what they would say to each other, but she never did.
As she had watched the hours tick away, Paige had wondered just how long she was going to be able to keep this up, keep her feelings in check. It seemed that every day, it had grown harder and harder to stay just friends with her, to pretend that's all that she wanted from her. Paige had started to wonder what would happen if she told her, if she just confessed, how it would change things between them, how it would change Paige's entire life, and if she would end up losing Emily completely.
The fear had thus far kept Paige's mouth zipped tightly shut. Yet, day by day, it was a risk that was getting harder and harder to justify.
Just then, a knock sounded on the dorm door, and Paige pulled herself up, happy for the reprieve from her thoughts. It seemed like her resolve was slowly weakening, and she told herself to stay strong. She had to. Because Paige knew that one wrong move, one misstep, and there would never be any going back.
When Emily returned from the dorm showers, dressed and with her hair dried, she found Hanna and Paige talking and laughing as Hanna sat on Emily's bed, while Paige perched on Emily's desk facing her.
Over the last few weeks, even though they hadn't hung out too many times, Hanna had quickly grown fond of Paige in a way that Jessica still hadn't. Whereas as Hanna was dependably easy-going, Jessica wasn't the type to be so trusting, and she and Paige still hadn't clicked the way Hanna and Paige had. Even though they were complete opposites, Hanna seemed to get Paige's dry sense of humor, and Paige had made every effort to get to know Hanna just the same.
Once before, Emily had told Paige all about her three closest friends from high school, and Paige had listened intently, trying to remember all the details Emily described to distinguish the girls. It had meant a lot to Emily that Paige had seemed to care so much about the other people in her life, and she was happy that she'd already had a chance to befriend Hanna. Emily wasn't sure why, but it felt important for her friends to accept Paige.
"What's so funny?" Emily asked, drawing both girls' attention to her as she crossed the room.
Hanna smiled. "Paige was just telling me about your skinny dipping attempt in the middle of campus last month."
"Not one of my best moments," Emily admitted with a laugh.
"I don't know. It might have been your finest moment," Paige quipped with a laugh as she slid off Emily's desk and made her way to her own.
Emily shook her head, catching eyes with Paige who flashed her a teasing smirk. Teasing Emily was probably Paige's favorite thing to do, and for some reason, Emily never seemed to mind.
"You're lucky that you were with Paige. I'd have probably let you go swimming," Hanna added with a laugh. "So talk to me, Em. What do you like?"
"I thought we were going to do this over coffee," Emily griped as she reached for her purse and began searching for her wallet.
"We can start now. What's your type?" Hanna inquired just as Emily had found her wallet and was sliding it into her bag.
Paige looked up from her desk. "Type of what?" she asked curiously.
"Type of girl," Hanna replied, grinning.
Emily rolled her eyes as she took a seat on her bed facing Hanna. "I don't know, Hanna."
"Well, give me a girl you think is cute," Hanna encouraged.
Emily shrugged uncomfortably as her eyes darted over to Paige instinctively. Sometime during Emily's shower, Paige had changed into a pair of jeans and a sweater that dipped low in the front. She had her laptop open, and Emily presumed she was pulling up her less than finished Econ paper.
"You want me to just name someone?" Emily asked Hanna nervously.
Hanna shrugged. "Here. Let's do it like this. How about Lenny?"
"Lenny?" Emily asked doubtfully.
"Yeah."
"No offense, but she is the exact opposite of my type, Hanna," Emily said, wincing apologetically.
"Who's Lenny?" Paige asked from across the room as she glanced up from her desk again.
"Hanna's roommate," Emily answered with an eye roll.
Paige smirked in amusement. "What's wrong with her?"
"She's only Hanna meets Pru with a hit of cocaine," Emily quipped sarcastically.
Paige laughed. "No need to say more."
"Hey!" Hanna griped dramatically, as she realized the joke was made at her expense.
Emily caught Paige's eyes, and they shared a knowing smile.
Hanna's gaze followed Emily's. "What about Paige?"
"What?" Emily asked in surprise, her eyes widening. She hadn't expected Hanna to go there, but why wouldn't she? It was Hanna after all. Then again, it wasn't her fault that the question made Emily feel ridiculously uncomfortable. She was the only one to blame for looking at Paige in that way the night before.
Looking across the room, Emily saw that Paige's brows were raised curiously. Standing from her desk, Paige crossed over and sat down on the bed next to Hanna.
"Yeah, Em. Am I your type?" Paige asked with this sly amused grin that made Emily's stomach flutter.
Emily's mouth went dry, and she couldn't find a word to say. She knew her face must have done something drastic because Hanna burst into laughter. Hanna nudged Paige in the arm.
"Don't worry, Paige. She shot me down too," Hanna quipped.
Emily's eyes caught Paige's, and she tried to hide all the emotions she was feeling. Was Paige her type? Last night must have proven that, right? She had found herself so attracted to her, it'd been overwhelming, but they were friends. It wasn't as if she felt that way about her.
Emily shrugged, trying not to blush. "It's not the same. You guys are my friends."
"That didn't stop you with Alison," Hanna blurted out before her expression changed all of a sudden, showing how much she regretted her words as soon as they'd left her mouth.
The air changed immediately at the mention of Alison's name. The four of them didn't talk much of her anymore, and it'd been a long time since they'd discussed how Emily had felt about her. It was an old wound that nobody wanted to put salt in.
"God, Em, I shouldn't have said that," Hanna apologized, frowning.
Emily saw the confusion on Paige's face as her eyes moved between Hanna and Emily, trying to understand what had just happened. Emily avoided catching her gaze, knowing that how she had once felt for Ali wasn't something she had told many people about and definitely wasn't something she wanted to discuss then. It wasn't a good time. Not with Hanna there.
Even though Hanna knew about Emily's feelings, she hadn't known everything; she hadn't known about the kiss or the way Ali played with her emotions or just how twisted up she'd been after Ali was gone. No one really knew everything. Not the other girls. Not even Maya. She'd never felt comfortable revealing something so personal. It was as though saying it out loud made it all so much more real. Yet, there was something different about Emily's relationship with Paige where she felt like maybe she could finally be honest with someone about it all. At times, Emily had thought of telling Paige the whole story. Maybe now she would. Just not then.
Emily forced a smile, trying to diffuse the tension that still hung in the room. "So. How 'bout that coffee, Hanna?"
After Hanna and Emily filed out of the dorm room, bidding farewell and inviting Paige to join them one last time, Paige had busied herself, gathering her Macbook into her bag and searching for her MicroEcon book amongst the stack of texts beside her desk. Regardless of how much she tried to focus on what she needed to do, her mind kept drifting back to Hanna's question for Emily and how she had interjected. If she had known ahead of time that the question was going to come, Paige would have thought that she would have deflected it, made a joke to make sure that Emily didn't actually have to answer, tried to diffuse the situation, but she had only instigated it even further.
She wasn't sure why she'd said it, why she'd questioned Emily about her feelings like that. Maybe she just wanted to know if there was any chance in the universe that Emily would ever look at her the way she looked at Emily. Yet, by the look on Emily's face, the whole idea of Paige being her type was clearly the last thing that she might have ever even thought to consider in her life. Paige had to admit that it had stung, even though she'd laughed it off, even though she would never say so.
Yet, Paige did her best not focus on it. She had a paper to write, and it didn't change things anyways. She and Emily were friends, so why should she expect Emily to look at her any other way? Besides, even if things were different, even if Emily felt it too… Paige shook her head. The truth was that Emily didn't feel the same, Paige reminded herself. She couldn't. It was impossible. And the whole entire concept of that possibility was even too much for Paige to fathom. Besides, Emily said it herself. Paige wasn't Emily's type, so there was no reason to think about what could be if she was.
And then there was that nagging question that had settled in the back of Paige's brain? Who was Alison? Some other lucky girl who held a piece of Emily's heart? Paige was starting to think maybe there wasn't any room left in Emily's heart for anyone else anyway, especially not for her.
Paige tried to shake the thoughts, knowing she had things to do. She still had to heckle one of their dorm neighbors before heading to the library where she might be able to focus on her paper that was due the next day. It was better to focus on things she could control, and how Emily did or didn't feel for her wasn't one of them.
A couple of hours later, Hanna and Emily wandered back from the coffee shop off campus where Hanna had drilled Emily for most of the afternoon about what kind of girl she would want to date. Despite all of Hanna's questions, Emily felt like they hadn't really made any progress. Hanna wanted definitions, measurements, hair color charts, body types, and Emily just didn't have any answers. For her, it wasn't about all those requirements, but about finding that person that fit with you like the other piece of the puzzle, the person who made you feel whole, the person who felt like home. By now, Emily had been through so much, she felt wary to even think that there was somebody perfect for her, but regardless, Emily still held on to the hope that she was still out there.
Once they reached Brumbaugh, the two girls traveled up the set of stairs and crossed the hallway to the dorm room. Stepping inside, Emily crossed over and set down her bag on her desk as her eyes caught something on her desk. It was a note, scribbled on a post-it and stuck on top of a pair of dvds. Looking closer, Emily saw the titles of the flicks: The Shining and Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
Emily picked up the post-it, and read it to herself.
Don't go anywhere and don't eat dinner. I'll be back at 7 with Thai.
Happy Belated Halloween :)
-P
A smile spread across Emily's lips. She had mentioned something briefly a few days before about how in the past she had always spent Halloween watching her favorite scary movies. Paige must have obviously picked up on Emily's disappointment about going to some lame party instead, especially with how it had all turned out, and decided to surprise her. It was so completely unexpected that Emily couldn't seem to wipe the grin off her face or shake the buzz in her gut.
"What's that?" Hanna asked nosily as she peered around to see the pair of dvds on Emily's desk.
Emily felt her face flush as she shoved the note into her back pocket. "Just a couple of dvds Paige picked up," she said, shrugging casually.
Hanna picked one up with her hand. "You're still watching these scary movies?" she asked in disbelief.
"I like them," Emily countered shyly as she took the dvd back from Hanna.
"I thought we all got enough scares for a lifetime," Hanna quipped back.
"Well, these are safe scares," Emily explained. She wasn't sure why she still loved all these scary movies, but she did. Maybe she liked knowing at the end, you could turn it off and not have to worry.
"Still, I'd hate to watch those without a hot guy to cuddle up to," Hanna replied. "Or a hot girl for you, which I promise to find," she added with a grin.
Emily shook her head. "You don't need to do that, Hanna. I'm fine being single," Emily told her, even though she wasn't so sure.
"No one's fine being single," Hanna insisted. "I mean, isn't Paige even dating that guy I always see her with?"
Emily felt herself fidget uncomfortably. "Collin?" she asked.
"Yeah," Hanna said casually. "Is that her boyfriend?"
"No, it's not," Emily replied awkwardly.
"Oh. Could have fooled me," Hanna answered with a shrug.
"Yeah," Emily breathed as she set the dvds back down on her desk. She knew that Paige and Collin were still friends, even if Paige didn't mention him often, but if Hanna had thought they were a couple, she must have noticed some kind of spark. While part of her was grateful, for selfish reasons alone, that they hadn't started dating, part of Emily wondered what was holding Paige back if there really was something between them.
"Well, I'll let you with your fright fest," Hanna said with a smile, interrupting Emily's thoughts.
Emily nodded as Hanna headed for the door. They exchanged a quick hug before Hanna headed off, leaving Emily alone again. She crossed back over to the desk and pulled the note back out of her back pocket once again, reading it one more time, and smiling to herself.
Glancing at her watch, Emily saw that 7 was still a few hours away, and she decided to curl up in bed, hoping to catch up on the sleep she didn't get the night before.
Just before 7pm, Paige had finished writing her Econ paper at the library and headed off campus to this tiny Thai joint she'd heard about. Hauling it all up the steps, Paige slipped into the dorm room to see Emily curled up in bed. Dropping her bag and the piles of takeout quietly on her desk, Paige crossed over to Emily's bed where she gently sat down on the edge. Watching her sleep, Paige wondered if she should wake her. Her eyes were closed, and she was breathing gently. For a long moment, Paige just gazed at Emily, studying her face. Her dark hair was a wild mess scattered across the pillow, and she was just as beautiful as she always was. Paige could have sat there for hours watching her sleep, but she knew that was hardly the plan she had for the night. One of Emily's arms was sticking out of the covers, and Paige gently touched the inside of her elbow where her skin was so soft.
"Mmm. Hey," Emily murmured as she stirred from sleep, her eyes opening to find Paige sitting above her.
"Hey, you," Paige replied as Emily sat up in bed to face Paige.
"You're back," Emily replied with a smile, the one that always made Paige feel butterflies all over.
"Yep. You ready for some scares?" Paige asked with a smirk as she offered Emily her hand and pulled Emily up to her feet alongside her.
Both girls crossed the room back to Paige's desk where she began to unload the Thai takeout that she'd picked up, letting the scents fill the room. When she looked up again, Emily was handling the dvds again.
"So, where exactly did you get these?" Emily asked curiously.
"I hassled that film geek down the hall. He's practically got a video store over there," Paige quipped, even though the prices were hardly that of a rental. The kid had asked for 20 bucks just to have them for the night, but she knew it was worth it. Knowing the night before hadn't gone quite as planned, not for either of them, she wanted to make Emily feel better. "I just thought you could use a makeup Halloween," Paige added with a shrug.
Emily smiled again. "It's perfect," Emily told her just as she held up the dvds to face Paige. 'So you think you can handle watching these with me?"
"I can handle anything," Paige told her with a confident smirk as she took the dvds from Emily's hand, their fingertips grazing. Taking another look at the cover of the two films she had never seen, Paige relented a tad. "But if I scream like a little girl, that stays within these four walls, right?" she added cautiously, her brow raised.
Emily simply laughed. "Deal."
A couple of hours later, Emily and Paige had finished eating and were well into watching Invasion of the Body Snatchers a top of Emily's bed. For the first hour, Paige had held up well, but after they'd put the food away and turned off all of the lights, the more time Paige had spent holding tightly to Emily's arm, tucking her face behind Emily's shoulder to shield her eyes in this adorably sweet way that made Emily's heart heave every single time.
For the two years they were together, Maya had appeased her with a few scary movies, but she had a habit of always making fun of the old school special effects or how the characters were doing something ridiculously stupid to get themselves killed. It had always made Emily feel like she was burdening Maya by making her watch the movies even if she didn't complain. Now, seeing Paige get scared and hold on to her so tightly felt so different, exhilarating in a way that Emily couldn't explain. At one point, when Paige was tucked against her, Emily's hand had almost found it's way to Paige's, but she'd stopped herself. After the night before, touching hands felt so natural, but Emily didn't know how Paige felt about it. Besides, she had already reminded herself countless times that it wasn't normal for friends to hold hands even if it did feel right.
When the movie finally ended, Paige sat up straight, and they both turned to each other. The room was still dark as the credits rolled on the screen. Emily had clicked off the eerie music playing from the dvd, and now the room was in complete silence except for the two girls' breathing.
"So?" Emily asked hopefully. Even though Paige had clearly been scared, had released at least a couple of shrieks during the movie, Emily still wasn't completely sure she'd actually enjoyed herself.
Paige grinned. "That was awesome," she said excitedly.
"Seriously?" Emily asked incredulously.
Paige nodded. "Let's watch the next one," she replied with a gleam in her eye, as if she were taking on a new challenge.
Emily laughed. "So you don't think I'm totally crazy for liking all these scary movies?" she asked.
"No," Paige said, shaking her head. "I mean, it's not something I would have guessed though."
"And why's that?" Emily asked curiously.
"I don't know," Paige replied with a shrug, biting on her lip and drawing Emily's gaze to her mouth. "Cause you're just so…" Paige said, her voice trailing of.
"So, what?" Emily's lips curled into a smile as she watched Paige struggle for words, wondering what Paige might have been thinking.
Paige finally looked back up at her, and Emily's mouth went dry as their eyes caught. Emily felt the strangest sensation like Paige was looking all the way through her, inside of her. As her eyes scanned Paige's face, Emily forgot what she'd even asked her.
Just then, Paige's phone beeped from its spot on her desk, shattering the silence and turning both of their gazes. Paige awkwardly pulled herself up from Emily's bed and crossed over to grab her cell. Emily watched as Paige's eyes scanned the message for a few moments.
"What is it?" Emily finally asked when Paige just lingered near her desk, her gaze still on her phone.
Paige's eyes flickered up to Emily. "It's an email," she explained. "From PSIA. That Investment group," she added to clarify.
Paige had a blank stare on her face, and Emily looked up at her with a brow raised expectantly when Paige didn't continue explaining.
"I got in," Paige finally said with a touch of surprise in her voice as she finally crossed back to Emily's bed and sat down next to her.
"That's amazing," Emily told her excitedly.
Paige had mentioned the group once before and told Emily how she had applied, but that was weeks ago. She'd never brought it up again. This sounded like good news, but Paige didn't mirror her excitement for her. Over the weeks, Paige had seemed pretty disinterested in her Economics classes, and the truth was that Emily didn't know how Paige felt about the group anymore.
"Yeah. It is, right?" Paige said flatly.
"It doesn't feel amazing?" Emily asked, carefully prodding Paige's demeanor.
"It does, I guess," Paige replied with a shrug. "It also feels a little…"
"Empty?" Emily answered softly.
Paige nodded as she turned to set her phone down on Emily's nightstand. When she turned back, she immediately reached for the next dvd, without missing a beat, and Emily felt like something about Paige's mood had changed suddenly.
"Paige," Emily whispered softly.
"Hm?" Paige replied absently as she switched the first dvd out and put in The Shining.
Emily reached out her hand and touched Paige's forearm, stilling her movements. Paige finally looked up at Emily.
"Paige, why aren't you studying English?" Emily asked cautiously. Off Paige's look, Emily continued. "I mean, you love books, and every time I see you pouring over an Econ paper, you look pretty miserable."
Paige shook her head casually. "What am I going to do with an English degree?" she asked, her voice laced with humor.
"Anything you want," Emily told her. "You don't have to do this," she added seriously.
Paige looked away, brushing her hand through her auburn hair. "I do," she said softly.
Emily's eyes ran over Paige's face, seeing the fear and desperation in her expression, and Emily realized that it was as if all of Paige's actions were made under duress. The pressure of her father, the pressure to live up to his expectations, the pressure to be someone perfect. Paige did a good job day to day of playing it casually, of pretending this was who she was, of being strong, but Emily could see that the weight was so heavy on Paige's shoulders, sometimes it looked as if she would break. It made Emily's heart ache to see her doing this to herself.
"I know you want to make him happy," Emily said softly, their eyes on each other. "But don't you think, at some point, you've got to let yourself be happy too?"
Paige nodded, looking away. "I'll think about it," she whispered just as the movie started on the laptop screen.
Emily watched Paige's face for a moment, seeing for the first time that behind the whole facade there was a piece of her that was broken. Sitting there, Emily could only wish there was something she could do to heal her.
Just as Emily turned to watch the opening of the film, Paige reached out and hit the pause button, drawing Emily's attention again.
"Can I ask you something?" Paige asked nervously.
Emily nodded. "Anything," she replied curiously.
"Today. Hanna said something. About a friend of yours," Paige said as she cautiously probed the topic.
"Yeah. Alison," Emily replied softly. Even though she had been thinking of a way to bring it up all day, she was surprised that Paige had been the first to say something. There wasn't much they kept from each other though, so Emily realized it was only natural for her to wonder about her, especially after how both she and Hanna had reacted when the name was dropped.
"It seemed like a sore subject," Paige continued before Emily had thought of where to start. "You don't have to tell me. I just…"
"No. I want you to know," Emily told her assuredly, looking Paige straight in the eye. "Alison was a friend of ours. All of us. Hanna, Spencer, Aria. We were all close, but…"
"You were closer to her?"
"I was..." Emily swallowed hard. "I was in love with her," she said slowly. "Or as in love with someone as you can be at 14 or 15," she added.
Paige's eyes scanned over Emily's face as if trying to read her expression. "And you two were together."
"No, no," Emily told her. "We kissed. Once," she whispered, not even sure where all the words were coming from. "I never actually told anyone that. Ali didn't feel the same. She had a lot of fun toying with me about it though."
Paige shook her head in confusion. "What do you mean?"
Emily shrugged. "It was like a game for her. Seeing how much she could get me wrapped around her finger." Shaking her head, Emily continued, "I was stupid. I kept trying to win her over, and it was like she was always just laughing about it in my face."
Paige's eyes narrowed. "That's terrible."
"That was Ali," Emily said with a nod.
"What do you mean was?" Paige asked carefully.
Emily shifted her body. Knowing that this was part of the story, part of the story she'd been wanting to tell Paige, didn't make it any easier to talk about.
"Remember how I told you about one of my friends," Emily started, speaking slowly. "That she died?"
"That was her?" Paige asked incredulously.
Emily nodded.
"What happened?" Paige wondered.
"It's a long story, but she went missing one night, and they found her a year later. Found her body."
"God, Em," Paige said sympathetically. "I'm so sorry."
Emily felt Paige's eyes on her, wide with concern. It made her feel stripped open and naked.
"It's in the past now," Emily told her, looking away.
And it was true. Alison had clouded so much of her relationship with Maya that first year, but by now, Emily had moved on. Alison wasn't someone she thought of much anymore. Ali had had a hold on her for so many years, even after she was gone, that it had felt so freeing when she'd finally been able to let go. It was an old wound, one that was healed, though not without a few scars, she was sure. Alison always left behind a mark, and though Emily's was different, she was sure the other girls had similar ones to match.
As if sensing Emily's thoughts, Paige slid her hand across the bed and curled a few of her fingers around Emily's so that their hands were loosely intertwined. It was sweet and comforting and warm. It didn't have to be a big deal, Emily told herself. Maybe friends could hold hands. Sometimes. It didn't feel wrong, so maybe it wasn't.
Emily squeezed Paige's hand slightly, her eyes on their tangled fingers rather than Paige's face. She had already laid herself bare. To look her in the eye would be too much, too intimate. For a long moment, there was nothing but silence between them.
"Paige, is your dad the reason you're not dating Collin?" Emily asked softly as she finally lifted her eyes. She wasn't even sure where the question came from, maybe because they were talking about relationships, maybe because Hanna had brought him up earlier, but it was out of her mouth before she could even think twice.
Paige took her hand back, using it to push her fringe of bangs out of her face "I guess he's the reason I'm not dating anyone," she said, shrugging awkwardly.
"So there wasn't anyone in high school?" Emily asked curiously.
Paige shook her head. "Nothing serious."
"But he wasn't running for Governor then, was he?"
"He's always been running for something," Paige told her, frowning. "And it's a lot to ask of someone in high school. To be put through the ringer the way I am. I doubt they'd think it was really worth it."
Emily shook her head in amazement. "I have a hard time thinking someone wouldn't think you were worth it," Emily said in disbelief. By now in her friendship with Paige, Emily knew her so well that she couldn't believe a guy wouldn't want to be with Paige, no matter the cost.
Paige shrugged. "I don't know. It's not like there was ever anyone I wanted to ask that of. Kind of pathetic," she replied derisively.
"It's not pathetic," Emily assured her. While she had been broken and left tattered by people she had loved, Paige's heart was untainted. How could she ever think that was pathetic? Emily wondered. To have a perfectly beautiful heart that no one had ever broken. It was the purest thing Emily could imagine.
"You've been in love twice, Em, and I've never gotten past a few meaningless kisses," Paige replied, mocking herself by rolling her eyes. "I'm on to a really late start."
"It doesn't matter how you start," Emily insisted. "I mean, look at me. No one in my past matters now. I'm exactly where you are. Starting all over again. The only thing that matters is where you end up."
Paige's brow rose slightly. "Which is where?"
Their eyes caught, and Emily swallowed hard. "The right person's arms."
Paige smiled. "Such a romantic, Emily Fields," she teased sweetly.
Emily felt herself blush. "I just want my happy ending," she explained shyly.
"A diamond ring and a white wedding?" Paige asked with a small smirk.
Emily smiled, bashfully tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "I think I'd just settle for finding the one," Emily said softly, her eyes meeting Paige's. "Whoever she is."
A couple of hours later, hours of shrieking and laughing at every turn of The Shining, Paige told Emily goodnight before she moved to her own bed and slid under the cold sheets. Lying there in the dark, she listened to the sound of Emily's breathing as she tried to fall asleep. Her mind was awash with everything that happened with Emily the last few hours. She'd thought about the movies and how it had felt holding on to Emily's arm when she got scared. She thought about all the things they'd shared with each other, about the things Emily had told her about this other girl that Paige would never know who had hurt her so much. Between how broken Emily had been because Maya to how much pain Alison had inflicted on Emily by tormenting her, it seemed so wrong to Paige for Emily to have so much heartache that she didn't deserve.
Yet, mostly, Paige thought back to what Emily had said about letting herself be happy. It had been resonating with her throughout the entire rest of the night. Because Emily was right. Paige wasn't happy with how things were in her life, not really, but it had to do with more than Emily even knew.
The truth was Paige was pretty sure the only thing in the world that would make her truly happy was Emily. And that was never going to happen. So what was the point of caring about all these other things? About her major in college or a stupid job one day. Paige had accepted long ago that happiness just wasn't in her cards. But that was before she ever thought she'd have a chance at it. Before everything changed. Before Emily.
It was impossible to deny that things were different inside of her now, that Paige looked at life differently, and it was all because of this one girl sleeping just a few feet away from her. Paige couldn't put into words all the emotions she felt without acknowledging how terrifyingly real it all was. It was like Emily was the spark that lit a raging fire inside of Paige, and now the burning was nearly consuming her. Paige had been fighting her realization for weeks, but she knew now that there was no reason to continue evading the truth. This was it, this was what it felt like, this was what it had to be, this mix of pain and longing and adoration and heartache and desperation. This was what it felt like to fall in love. And Paige knew that it was happening to her.
She was falling in love...with Emily.
With that one last thought, Paige let her mind drift into dreams, because she knew in her heart that even if it could never be real, at least in her dreams, Emily was falling in love with her too.