Hi there, dolls :) So this one took a bit of time to write because it is quite long, but I really like how it turned out so hopefully you all will too. And I say it every time, but seriously, THANKS for all of the reviews. It means so much to me, and this whole thing wouldn't be nearly as fun without all of the amazing comments you all leave. So thank you x1000 :) You all are the best!
Also, I do know it's been over a week since the last chapter, and I didn't want that to happen again but I do appreciate all the patience because it really is the best I can do right now. The further we go, the more time each of these chapters takes, especially a long one like this. Plus, I'm out of school now, and I work wayyy too much currently (75 hours a week much), so I do hope you all understand when I can't get chapters up more often. I totally would if I could, but I'd probably have to stop sleeping entirely :/
spikedwatermelon: Your reviews are so appreciated for sure! So a huge thanks for writing them. It's definitely motivating to hear what people like about the story. And I love that you called yourself a fan too :) I don't think I have ever had one of those before. As for me, I am definitely enjoying this too :) It makes the wait for Paige's return not so bad.
Katie 2: I, for sure, would have been confused, so thanks for the clarification! I definitely appreciate having readers, and having some interaction makes it feel like I'm writing for real people (which is half the fun). Oh, and what you said about the goosebumps... I like that. And I hope I can continue to give you moments like that :)
marsou: Doing my best to keep up! But hopefully the results end up worth the wait :) Hope you like this one.
Katie: I'm actually working on a book... :) so maybe someday I will have something you can buy.
disconnectedsoul: Thanks for the message :) I'm so glad I could make their friendship believable. It's something I really wanted to pull off since I felt like we didn't really get a good buildup between these two on the show.
eyeroll: thank you thank you thank you for coming to my defense. means a lot to me!
laura-200: Wow! That is such an amazing compliment! It is so great to read a review like this and know someone appreciates the story. It means a lot to me, and I am so glad that I was able to pull you in to the story and make you feel part of the world :) I went on a limb creating an entirely new setting, and so I am so happy it feels real. So Thank You for writing this review for me to read :) And I hope you had safe travels home!
Paraddicted: I am so glad you are enjoying the story! I do appreciate you leaving a review. I have spent a lot of time thinking this one through and trying to portray the characters right, so I am so happy that you said what you did :) Seriously, thank you!
LaurenKnight13: Honestly, thanks for being so appreciative of the updates. It's tough sometimes to find time to write, and I appreciate your compliments. I don't think I'm anything prolific, but I am happy you like what I'm writing :)
choeyfan88: happy (belated) birthday!
I also thought now is about a good time to throw in that every once in a while, I might mention a song in the story. I'm not going to go into any distracting lyric quoting or anything like that, and it won't be often, but sometimes there's a song that I'm listening to when I'm writing the scene and I think the music evokes the feeling, so I write it in. Feel free to turn it on (or not) while you're reading. Also, if you know any music I should be listening to, PM me. I could always use more to write to :)
okay, and here goes an epically long chapter... hope it will tie you all over for a bit :)
Chapter Fifteen
"So are we going to talk about Saturday night?" Pru asked Paige as they made their way through The Hub grabbing lunch on Monday.
Since they'd met up after class, Paige had been casually stoic about the entire thing, not mentioning anything about the party or her own behavior. Thankfully, after Saturday night happened, Paige and Emily had fallen back into their rhythm, as if they hadn't missed a beat, and it made it easy for Paige to put the whole situation behind her like it never happened, or never almost happened. Knowing she would see Pru as she always did on Mondays, she had hopes that Pru wouldn't bring it up again, that maybe she'd forgotten about it, but she should have known better.
"Nope," Paige told her. "Nothing to talk about," she added as she reached for a sandwich and set it on her tray.
Paige felt Pru reach out and grab Paige's elbow, stilling her movements. "Paige, I'm being serious."
Paige turned to face her. "I know you're being serious. So am I," she replied, maintaining a casual tone in her voice. They were in the middle of campus. Pru couldn't possibly be going in for a heart to heart, knowing how much of a wreck Paige had been on Saturday night, but Paige wouldn't put it past her. Even if she didn't, Paige wondered how long it would be before Pru started asking the tough questions Paige wasn't ready to answer.
Pru shook her head and rolled her eyes. "You better not be on drugs," she chided playfully.
Paige laughed. "Drugs, Pru?" she remarked in disbelief.
"Ritalin. Coke. That T crap athletes take," Pru told her shrugging.
"You think I'm taking steroids?" Paige asked incredulously.
"You are like superwoman, so I don't know," Pru replied dramatically, pushing her hair behind her shoulder and grabbing a bottle of water from a fridge.
Paige shook her head, laughing again at Pru's absurdity. "Well, if I start growing a beard, you will know," she quipped.
Pru turned back to face her. "Your dad would flip out if you were on drugs," she stated, her eyes wide at the thought.
Paige sighed. "He'd flip out if he knew anything about me," she muttered cynically.
Pru shook her head. "See? There you go again."
"What?" Paige responded in confusion.
"Being cryptic," Pru told her in frustration.
"It's not cryptic," Paige countered. "I'm always either 'making him proud' or being a 'complete and total failure,'" she described with an eye roll. "You know that, Pru."
"Well, screw him," Pru replied vehemently.
Paige laughed, shaking her head. "Glad to see you turning in to such a problem solver. And I was getting worried about you taking calculus next semester," she quipped sarcastically.
Pru's jaw dropped open playfully. "So abusive," Pru replied theatrically. "I don't know why I put up with this."
Paige smirked teasingly. "Cause you love me. And because no one else would put up with you," she ribbed back.
Pru shook her head and laughed as she followed Paige to the checkout line.
Across The Hub, Emily slid into a booth opposite Jessica, both carrying food trays, the same way they did every Monday after Psychology class. Just as she sat down, Emily felt her phone buzzing with a text message. Flipping it open, she saw that it was from Paige and smiled to herself. They'd been sending texts back and forth all morning filled with everything from quips about their fright fest the night before to a million other inside jokes they'd accumulated over the last few weeks that Emily was pretty sure no one else would be able to decipher.
During class, Emily had kept her cell in her lap so she could respond to Paige's messages while trying to stifle her laughter. A few times, she'd drawn Jess' attention, but her friend hadn't said anything about it. Emily wondered if it was odd for them to be talking so much when, between living together and swimming together, they already spent so much time together, but she didn't care. Sometimes Paige's messages were the one thing getting her through a long day of classes after a rough, early morning practice.
"Who are you chattering with?" Jessica finally asked with a sly smile as she ate her lunch.
Emily shook her head at Jessica's suggestiveness. "Just Paige."
"Ah," Jessica replied. "Should have known," she added with a touch of teasing irritation.
Emily set her phone down on the table and lifted her gaze to Jessica.
"Are you ever going to warm up to her?" she asked with a frown as she took a bite of her sandwich.
Even though Emily had been friends with Paige for weeks now and Jessica had been around Paige a couple of times during that span, she had remained skeptical and distant. It had been hard for Emily because she felt like she couldn't really enjoy either friend's company when the other was there.
Jessica shrugged innocently. "I'm warm. I've very warm."
Emily eyed her doubtfully. "Yeah, lukewarm. You could at least try to like her," she told her with a pleading smile.
"I never said I didn't like her," Jessica countered. "I don't know. I just don't get her."
"You don't get her?" Emily said, frowning playfully. "She's not a David Lynch movie, Jess," Emily joked.
"Good. Because I hated Mulholland Drive," Jessica quipped dramatically, drawing a laugh from Emily. "So how was the party?"
"You didn't miss much," Emily replied, rolling her eyes as she thought back to Saturday night, knowing Jessica would have laughed at the absurdity of the entire thing.
Jessica laughed cynically. "That good, huh?"
Emily shook her head. "I kind of wish I hadn't gone. Some jerk wouldn't leave me alone," she added rolling her eyes, trying to make light of it, now that it was a distant afterthought considering everything else that had plagued Emily that night, things she had since promised to put behind her.
Jessica's eyes narrowed in concern. "What do you mean?" she asked with a frown.
"He was just…" Emily started, her voice trailing off as she tried to think of the best way to tell Jessica what had happened or almost happened.
"Are you okay?" Jessica asked, reaching across the table and squeezing Emily's forearm.
"Yeah. I'm fine," Emily insisted. "Paige stepped in and practically castrated him," she explained with a laugh.
Jessica eyed her in confusion. "I thought you went with Hanna," she wondered.
"I did. Paige was there with Pru," Emily clarified. "She must have seen the look of terror on my face."
"What exactly did she do?" Jessica asked curiously.
Emily found herself smiling shyly at the memory, at Paige's toughness. While, at the time, Emily had been on edge at the party when it had happened, in retrospect, Emily found it so endearing.
"She told him to fuck off and shoved him square in the chest," Emily said with a laugh.
Jessica's eyes widened. "Seriously?"
"Yeah," Emily said with a nod, still smiling.
"Wow," Jessica replied, nodding for a long beat. "That's… interesting," she remarked cryptically.
Emily eyed her curiously. "What's interesting?"
Jessica shook her head. "Nothing. I'm glad she was there. I'm glad you're okay," Jessica told her, squeezing her arm one more time.
"So have you decided yet? About Charleston?" Emily asked excitedly.
It'd had been a month since Jessica's engagement to Wyatt, and they'd been discussing setting a date for the wedding while Jessica toiled over the idea of transferring to Charleston for school. Emily noticed that Jessica had seemed to be dragging her feet thus far, and Emily could understand. It had to be hard leaving everything you knew behind to go somewhere completely new, but Emily felt like if you had that one person by your side, if it meant getting to be together, she'd probably go anywhere. She wanted love to be that powerful, where you would drop anything for it. So far, from her own experiences, it seemed like she hadn't found anything like that yet.
Jessica frowned, shaking her head. "Honestly, I don't know. I feel like a pendulum or something. One day, I am so gung-ho, and the next, I'm getting teary in my dorm room like I did when we moved out of our first house growing up. It's ridiculous."
"It's not ridiculous," Emily assured her. "You feel like this is home now."
Jessica nodded in agreement. "It's so tough. I can't imagine leaving here, leaving all my friends, including you. I mean, if I move, when am I ever going to see you again, Emily?"
"Are you saying you're not inviting me to the wedding?" Emily teased.
"Of course I am. I might even make you buy a hideous bridesmaid dress," Jessica told her, smirking. "But that's at least a year away," she added frowning. "I can't go that long."
"Then this summer," Emily replied confidently. "When I come visit you in Charleston," she added smiling.
"Really?" Jessica asked with a broad smile. "You'd visit me?"
"Definitely," Emily told her. "I have to see what the South is all about. You know, as long as they don't try to hang me," she quipped.
Jessica laughed, shaking her head. "Not unless you plan on wearing a gay flag," she joked back.
"True." Emily nodded. "I guess it won't matter then. Me and my single self," Emily said cynically.
Jessica smiled. "I bet you won't be single by then."
Emily eyed her curiously. "Why do you think that?"
"Once you're ready, girls are going to be lining up for you. Who knows?" Jessica added with a sly smirk. "Maybe they already are."
"Yeah, right," Emily replied, rolling her eyes.
"I'm serious," Jessica insisted.
"Nobody is interested in me," Emily told her with a frown.
And Emily knew it was the truth. After the pain of Maya's rejection, someone who Emily thought had loved her more than anyone else, it'd been hard to imagine someone else, someone who didn't know anything about her, wanting her. Besides, she hadn't met anyone since the breakup who had shown even a touch of interest. So, Emily had come to terms with the fact that, for now, she was alone, and she was learning to live that way. It wasn't so bad. Even if she didn't have that kind of love, she still had people in her life that she loved dearly. She had Jessica and Hanna and Aria and Spencer, and she also had Paige, who had managed to fill this void in her heart that Maya had left empty, one that once had seemed so terrible and huge had been filled with a different kind of closeness that had made her feel whole again.
"You don't know that," Jessica said, countering Emily's statement.
"Trust me. I do," Emily replied sadly.
Jessica frowned at Emily's response. "Well, if they do try to hang you, I'm sure it'll be with a smile," Jessica teased in a faux Southern accent, and the two girls laughed together.
Just then, their laughter was broken by Emily's cell phone ringing. Emily reached for it from the table and checked the caller id.
"Paige again?" Jessica asked.
"No," Emily replied, shaking her head. "It's my mom. I should take this. We haven't talked in weeks," she told Jessica as the phone rang again.
While she was surprised that her mom was calling, she was far more surprised that her mom hadn't been calling nearly as much as she had expected. Emily knew how hard it would be when she'd moved out, especially since Emily's dad was still bouncing back and forth between Fort Hood and Rosewood every few weeks.
The last time they had spoken was a little over a month ago when her mom had been in Texas for a month long visit. Even though Emily was out of the house now, they had decided to keep the house in Rosewood since the time in Texas was only supposed to be temporary, but Emily was sure it was partly because of emotional attachments too. Emily had never lived in another house her entire life, and she knew that the house at 43 Serenity Lane meant a lot, not just to her, but to her mom and dad as well.
"Okay, well, I think I'll head to class then. Call me later?" Jessica told Emily as she slid out of the booth.
Emily nodded in reply just as Jessica smiled a goodbye and took off from The Hub towards her next class.
"Hey, Mom," Emily said as she answered her cell.
"Emily. Hi, sweetie. It's so good to hear your voice," her mother replied warmly.
"You too," Emily agreed. She hadn't realized until she heard her mom's voice again exactly how much she had missed her, even if she'd never admit it.
"So how are you?" Pam asked. "How are classes going?"
"They're good so far. I'm like Psych a lot and my Art History class," Emily told her.
"That's great, honey."
"Yeah. I really don't know if I'm ready to pick a major yet though," Emily admitted. She had hoped by now she would have started to get an idea of what she was interested in, but she still hadn't been able to narrow things done. She seemed to like everything so far, and while it was better than hating everything, it didn't make the decision easier.
"That's okay, honey. You have time. You know, I miss you over here. It's so quiet without you at home," Pam told her, and Emily could tell by the sound of her voice that she'd had a lot of lonely nights in Rosewood since Emily left.
Over the year Emily's dad had been in Afghanistan, it had been the two of them for so long that Emily knew her mom had come to depend on Emily's company for dinners and the Emily's swim meets to preoccupy her nights. Now, Emily was sure that Rosewood wasn't quite the same for her mom.
"I know. I miss you too, Mom," Emily told her sweetly. "How is Dad doing?" she asked.
"I actually wanted to talk to you about your father," Pam explained.
"Is everything okay?" Emily wondered nervously.
"Everything's fine. He just isn't going to be making it back for Thanksgiving this year," Pam lamented sadly.
Emily nodded, frowning. Since before school had started, her mom and dad had planned to come see Emily's swim meet the day before Thanksgiving and drive her home that night so they could spend the weekend in Rosewood together as a family. Even though she'd had rough patches with her parents over the last few years as they came to terms with her being gay, things were so much different now between them as a family, so she'd been looking forward to spending the time with them again. It was disappointing knowing now that it wasn't going to happen now.
"Oh," Emily replied glumly.
"I know," Pam told her, mirroring her daughter's dismay. "Duty calls. But, I was thinking that I could still drive up for your meet, and maybe instead of driving back to Rosewood just the two of us, I could get a hotel for a couple of nights, and we could do Thanksgiving over there," she offered hopefully.
"You're going to get a hotel with a kitchen?" Emily asked in confusion as she stood up from the booth and reached for her bag to start heading to her next class.
"No, no, we'll just have to go out to eat this year," Pam explained. "But I thought it would make it easier on you so you don't have to make the whole trip back and forth. And it'd be nice to see more of the campus. I just wanted to make sure that was okay with you. I didn't know if you and Maya had plans to see each other over the holiday."
Emily felt a sudden knot in her stomach. It had been weeks since she'd spoken to her mom, and the casualty of that was the fact that Emily still hadn't let her know that she and Maya were over. She had hoped to wait until it wasn't such an open wound, but time had continued to pass, and with her busy schedule, Emily simply hadn't made time for that phone call. Now, she regretted having waited so long.
"Oh. No, we don't have plans," Emily answered awkwardly as she pushed the door open to step out into the sunlight.
"Is she not coming home for Thanksgiving?" her mother asked innocently.
"I don't really know," Emily started. "Mom, Maya and I broke up," she explained, hating having to even repeat the words again, though it didn't hurt quite the same way this time around.
"Oh, honey," her mother replied sympathetically. "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."
"It's okay," Emily replied shrugging. "I think it was just too hard on her, this whole long distance thing," Emily tried to explain even though, honestly, she hadn't a clue why they had broken up. Yet, it seemed easier to qualify it for her mother.
"It's not always an easy thing," her mother remarked, with a touch of sadness in her voice for her daughter. "How are you doing? I know she meant a lot to you."
"I'm doing better now," Emily assured her. "My friends have been really great," she said as she began scanning the crowd, knowing Paige had to be out there eating with her usual lunch crew. Even though it was early November now, and the air was chilly, the warmth of the sun's rays felt good on her face and she could understand why Paige and her friends had continued to sit outside for lunch, even with the weather change.
"Good, good," Pam replied. "I know the girls are always looking out for you."
Emily nodded, knowing her mom thought she'd been referring to her three high school friends, and while they were included, the new people in her life, Paige in particular, had been her rock.
"Yeah, it's nice having Hanna here. But my new friends too," Emily clarified. "I'll have to introduce you when you come. Well, you already met Paige, my roommate," she explained. "We've gotten really close."
"I'm happy to hear that," Pam told her sincerely. "I had hoped that roommate situation would work out."
"It has. We got really luck," Emily said, just as her eyes found Paige in the crowd. As if she sensed Emily's gaze, Paige lifted her eyes and met Emily's. Emily shot her a bright smile as Paige grinned back, flashing her an inconspicuous wave before someone drew her back into the conversation at her table.
"Good," Pam replied. "Well, I am looking forward to visiting with you. It will be nice to see you swim. Gosh, I still can't believe my baby's in college," she added, and Emily could hear her mother's voice quivering with emotion as she tried to hold it back.
Emily smiled at her mother's nostalgia. "Mom, you know I'm not a baby anymore," she teased sweetly.
"Well, you'll always be my baby," her mother told her. "Whether you're 18 months or 18 years old. Okay?"
"Okay," Emily replied nodding. "I love you, Mom," she said softly.
"I love you too, sweetheart," her mom replied.
Even though Emily knew her dad wouldn't make it to campus for her meet, even though they all wouldn't be able to spend the holiday together, Emily was grateful that her mom was making the effort to come see her anyway. While there was a time when Emily wasn't sure her mom would ever accept her, that was all a distant memory. Things were different now. Things were so much better. In just a couple of years, they had come so far.
For all the times she doubted, Emily knew more than ever how much her mom truly did love her.
That Saturday, Emily and Paige had woken early for the three-hour drive across Pennsylvania for their away meet against Pittsburgh. It was a big match against a tough team, and Coach had given them all a serious pep talk in the locker room about the Panthers before they'd headed out. When they piled on board the coach, it was still dark outside, and Emily had spent the morning in an out of sleep while Paige stared out the window at the passing lights of the other cars on the highway.
Over the course of the week, Paige's nerves had been building for a number of reasons, the meet being only one of them. Just last weekend, she had received her notification from PSIA that she'd been accepted to the elite group, and her acceptance of the spot was due that day by midnight. Since she'd found out, Paige had been mulling over her decision, considering all of the things Emily had said to her during their movie night about allowing herself to be happy. Paige knew Emily was right. She hadn't doubts about that, but for Paige, it never felt as simple as Emily's words may have made it seem. Paige knew that all of her decisions had widespread consequences. Her father had been grooming her for years to travel this path for her life, and Paige knew it wasn't a minor choice to declare a new one. She would have to tell her father at some point, and she didn't even want to consider his reaction. Even though the idea of forging her own way felt exhilarating to Paige, he wouldn't see it the same way. He would look at it as youthful rebellion, a rash and ignorant act, a mistake.
Paige closed her eyes, trying to calm her nerves, trying to focus for now on the meet. It was an important one that affected their team's ranking, and Paige felt the responsibility weighing on her shoulders. Besides, if she was even considering going against her father's wishes, the only thing to make things worse would be to give him even another reason to call her a failure.
Just then, Paige felt movement beside her, and Paige opened her eyes to see her Emily jerking awake after almost falling over in her seat. Paige couldn't help but laugh as Emily groggily opened her eyes. On Emily's cheek was an imprint of the seat's design from where she'd been resting. Paige watched as Emily rubbed her eyes as she caught Paige's eyes on her and blushed in embarrassment.
"Sorry," Emily muttered softly, her voice husky from sleep.
"Here," Paige told her as she motioned to her lap where she bunched up her sweatshirt as a pillow, letting Emily know she could put her head there if she wanted.
Emily nodded sleepily as she turned on her side and lay down, resting her head on Paige's legs, settling back to sleep again. Emily's dark hair sprawled across the grey sweats that Paige wore, and while she had the urge, Paige was too afraid to touch her, run her hands through her hand to lull her back to dreams. Instead, she watched the rise and fall of Emily's chest as she slept, letting the rhythm of her movements and the sound of her breathing soothe Paige's nerves.
It didn't matter that Emily's head was heavy on her legs, that she wouldn't be able to move her body for as long as Emily slept, that they were still so far away from Pittsburgh, Paige could do this for hours, sit with the weight of Emily's slumber on her.
To be honest, Paige knew she could do this forever. If only Emily would let her. If she let herself.
Around mid-day they had pulled in to the hilly University of Pittsburgh campus and made their way to Trees Pool where the team had piled out of the parked coach, a crowd of navy and grey. It was daylight now with the sun diffusing through a thick set of clouds that hung over the city. They had still had a couple of hours before the meet was to start, and people had scattered to eat lunch. Emily and Paige had found themselves together as always.
Now, hours later, the meet was in full swing, with several races already completed as the two girls awaited the relay. So far, the meet was neck and neck, with the points split almost evenly between the two teams. Coach had been right, Paige thought, as she paced around the exterior of the pool in her sweat pants and swimsuit, awaiting her race. This team was their toughest competition yet. Usually, they had already outpaced their opponents by that time in the meet, but they'd had no such luck. Pitt had a group of fierce swimmers that were showing up the Lions at their home pool. It only served to ratchet up Paige's anxiety.
Finally, they announced the first call for the medley relay, and Paige began making her way back to the blocks. There she found Emily doing some last minute stretching and moving around with a frenzy of nervous energy. Their eyes caught, and they simply nodded to each other as Paige stripped off her sweats and fixed her swim cap.
Minutes later, after last call, Paige took her place on the starting blocks, drowning out everything from her ears except for the impending blast signaling the start of the race. When it finally blared overhead, Paige dove into the water, feeling the fluid cover her body. As her body surfaced again, she began pulling herself through the water, kicking furiously, yet her muscles felt weak. She fought and fought and fought to pick up her speed, but she knew her limbs weren't performing like they should. Reaching the first edge, she flipped over and started down the home stretch, trying desperately to maintain her usual speed even though she could feel inside that she was off pace. She had no idea how her competition was doing, but Paige felt anxiously like they were ahead of her. When she finally reached the end of her leg, Paige already felt defeated. She touched the wall and waited for the next swimmer to dive in over her.
When she pulled herself out of the pool, she looked back and saw that the Pitt swimmer had a heavy lead. She shook her head and turned to the assistant coach who held a stopwatch in his hand. She asked for the time, and he quoted it to her with a frown. It was slower than her usual time. In fact, it was her slowest race of the season by far. Paige felt her own disappointment sinking in painfully. She bit her tongue to stop herself from cursing as she ripped off her swim cap and goggles in frustration. When she looked up again, Emily's eyes were on her, and Paige turned away abruptly. She didn't want to talk to anyone and the last thing she needed was Emily's pitifully sad eyes on her. Paige moved to the back wall behind the blocks, pulled on her sweats, and crossed her arms over her body as she watched the rest of the race play out. One by one, every relay member dragged out the other team's lead until Emily dove in the water so far behind her competitor that Paige already knew they'd lost the race.
"Fuck!" Paige muttered to herself as she shook her head, moving to the locker room, not even able to watch any longer how badly they were being defeated.
Not much later, Paige was throwing her swim cap and goggles in her locker and pulling on her Lions jacket when she heard the door creak open. Paige didn't look up, but she could sense Emily's presence as she crossed the room and leaned up against the locker next to her.
"Paige," Emily whispered sympathetically.
"What?" Paige bit back as she turned to Emily.
Emily frowned, shaking her head. "Don't worry about it," she told Paige.
"Don't worry about it?" Paige asked incredulously. How could she not worry about it? The entire race was a complete disaster. They hadn't just lost, they'd been crushed, and it made Paige feel sick thinking of just how terrible she'd done.
"It was just one loss," Emily said sweetly, and while Paige knew she was just trying to calm her, she didn't want to hear it. It didn't change the results of the race, and the results were the only thing that mattered, the only thing anyone really cared about. 'Doing your best' meant nothing if your best was failing.
"I was so off my time, Emily," Paige countered heatedly.
"We were all off," Emily insisted
Paige shook her head. "I'm starter. It's my job not to get us behind like that," Paige told her, turning back to her locker as she forcefully zipped up her Lions jacket.
"Hey," Emily said, moving closer to Paige, trying to get in her sightline. "Paige. Look at me. This isn't your fault. It was just a bad day," Emily continued.
Paige turned back to her angrily. "What do you know, Emily?" she bit sharply. "I don't get to mess up, okay? I don't get to have a bad day," she told her, slamming the locker door shut abruptly.
"Paige," Emily pleaded, reaching her hand out to Paige's arm.
"Just. Don't," Paige said firmly, turning and shrugging off Emily's hand from her arm. The look of pain on Emily's face was obvious, and Paige found herself darting out of the locker room so that she wouldn't have to bear seeing it any longer.
Losing was enough agony for one day.
A couple of hours later, the meet had ended with Penn State being handed a brutal loss. The entire rest of the day, Paige hadn't spoken to anyone as she completed her other two races with disappointing times as well. The entire day, she'd proven herself to be a failure, Paige thought as she made her way out of the Pool House.
Dressed in her navy Lions sweats, she was the first person to the coach for the three hour drive back to State College from Pitt. Climbing onto the coach, Paige slid into a seat at the back, pulling off her Lions jacket that was now wet from the rain pouring down outside and shoving it near her feet. She pulled her iPhone from her bag and put her headphones on quickly, turning up the music and trying to drown out everything around her. With her eyes focused on the raindrops sliding down the glass window and her arms crossed over her chest, she felt nothing but defeat.
A moment later, Paige felt Emily's weight press in to the seat beside her as she sat down, but Paige didn't turn her head. Even though she felt Emily's eyes on her, there was nothing to say, and all Paige wanted was to curl up and drift away. The coach began to lurch out of the university parking lot, taking a few turns until it pulled onto the highway heading back to State College.
After a few minutes, Emily reached a hand to the right side of Paige's head and gently took the headphone bud from her ear. Paige looked over, and they caught eyes. Emily smiled shyly, her lips doing that sweet little upturned thing they always did, and she put the ear bud in her own right ear so they could share like they always did for the long rides home.
Paige felt a lump forming in her throat and tears filling her eyes as Emily curled her legs up onto the seat and settled her head on Paige's shoulder to fall asleep. Even though it wasn't anything new, Paige felt her heart heave at the simple act because she knew it meant so much more than it seemed. It was Emily's way of saying that it didn't matter what Paige did or said. It didn't change things. Emily wasn't going to let Paige shut her out. She wouldn't allow Paige to get rid of her that easily. Emily wasn't going anywhere.
Just then, the setting sun burst through the clouds on the horizon and flickered through the drops of rain on the window. Paige looked down to see flashes of gold dancing across Emily's skin. The music in her ears spun to Sufjan Stevens, For the Widows in Paradise, and Paige took a deep breath of air, breathing in the scent of Emily's hair. Despite how broken she felt, something about Emily always made her feel whole again. Sometimes it was so overwhelming, like her heart was going to explode just with how strong it felt. She reached her hand up and wiped a tear that was falling down her cheek before she let her eyes close tightly shut, savoring the warmth of Emily's body beside her.
With the music filling her ears, Paige felt herself taken aback by the feeling piercing her heart. It wasn't something she was used to anymore. It had been years since Paige had felt that sense of warmth you got when you came home, when you got to be in that place where you were always welcome, where you were loved without conditions, where it was safe to just be you. In fact, after her mom was gone, Paige thought she'd never find it again, but here she was now. With Emily cuddled on her shoulder for a long bus ride in the rain, Paige felt like she'd finally found it again. Paige didn't realize it until right then, but when she had found Emily, she had found her way home.
When they piled off the coach hours later on the Penn State campus, it was early evening. The sky was dark, and the grounds were quiet. The swim team had headed into the locker room to drop off their suits before scattering across campus in silence. Coach had been kind enough not to deal them a verbal lashing after the meet, but they all knew one would be awaiting them on Monday along with a boot camp level practice that would leave their bodies incapacitated.
Earlier, when Emily and Paige had stirred on the bus, Paige had offered Emily an apologetic smile and mouthed, I'm sorry, even though they both knew it was already in the past. Emily had smiled shyly in return and grabbed Paige's hand to pull her from the seat. Paige had stood just as their hands broke contact and followed Emily off the bus.
Now, as they made their way across campus in the dark, both were still quiet. They walked closely together, and it felt good, being in Emily's company like this. Even though they had the most amazing conversations, Paige had to admit that even the silence with Emily was easy and comfortable and warm. It was like they didn't have to say a word to each other to know how each other was feeling.
Just as they were about to reach Brumbaugh, Emily's eyes darted to something in the dark.
"Did you see that?" Emily asked, turning to Paige.
Paige shook her head. "What?" she wondered, looking around, following Emily's gaze.
"I don't know," Emily shrugged. "An animal I think."
Paige laughed. "Em, you're going to chase after an unknown animal?" she asked skeptically, as Emily dropped her arm and started looking around.
Emily flashed her a smile. "It wasn't that big," she teased.
Paige shook her head. "It doesn't have to be big to have rabies, you know," she quipped.
Emily flashed her a look and scoffed playfully as she skipped ahead to where she had seen the flash of white disappear behind the bushes.
"Look, Paige. Come here," Emily whispered, motioning with her hand for Paige to join her. "Oh my god, she's so cute," Emily squealed as Paige came around the bend and saw Emily ducked down, holding her hand out to flash of white.
Looking closer, Paige realized that the animal Emily was trying to coax out of the bushes was a fluffy little cat. Emily was right; the cat was cute, yet the thing Paige couldn't take her eyes off of was Emily's face as she gazed at the little white ball of fur. She was lit up like a little kid as she cooed at the cat, trying to convince her to come closer. The whole sight made Paige melt. She knelt down on the ground next to Emily. The little cat didn't have a collar, and by the mats in part of its fur, she was obviously a stray.
"She doesn't have a home," Emily whispered, looking up to Paige with the saddest, pleading eyes.
After a few moments, the cat slowly drew closer to Emily and let her nose touch Emily's fingertip lightly before a noise in the distance startled her, and she darted out of sight. Emily turned to Paige with a frown, mourning the fact that she hadn't been able to convince the cat to come to her.
Paige shook her head and smiled, knowing that if Emily's attempts had been successful, they would have had an unauthorized third resident in their Brumbaugh dorm room. Reaching out for Emily's arm, she pulled her up and dragged her pouting face over to the dorm.
Even though Paige knew she would probably end up teasing Emily about wanting to adopt the little cat, she found it so endearing. Emily and her big heart was always tugging at her though.
As soon as Emily dropped her bag next to her desk and collapsed on the bed, ready to pass out, she heard her phone ringing in her duffel. Even though it was early in the night, just past dinnertime, she'd hoped for a quiet night in with Paige where they could order in delivery and watch episodes of Arrested Development. She groaned as sat up to the sound of the blaring ringtone, resenting the disturbance.
Looking up, she saw Paige cross over and reach into Emily's bag, grabbing her phone and tossing it to her. Emily smiled appreciatively at Paige, their eyes catching as Paige's lips curled. Emily knew that the day had been hard on Paige, beyond hard to the point of heartbreaking. She knew that the expectations Paige faced on a day to day basis were breaking her apart, and it had hurt so much seeing Paige in pain earlier that day that she was so happy now to see a smile cross her face.
"You're too good to me," Emily told her gratefully, and Paige simply shook her head, smirking as if Emily had lost her mind. It made her smile.
Glancing down at her caller ID, Emily saw that it was Hanna calling. She answered quickly, and Emily found that Hanna was beaming for some reason. Emily told her about the meet and how they'd lost terribly to which Hanna insisted she had the perfect way to perk up her mood, a party off campus. Emily tried as hard as she could to get out of it, but Hanna insisted she attend and wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. Finally, Emily lost the fight as she got off the phone and frowned at Paige across the room.
"My arm has been twisted," Emily lamented.
"You have a very twistable arm," Paige quipped back with a smirk from her desk where she sat with her laptop open. Emily just laughed as Paige turned in her desk to face her. "Hanna?" Paige wondered as she glanced back at her computer
Emily nodded. "A party. Do you want to come?" she asked hopefully.
Paige looked back up, frowning. "I would. But I still haven't gotten back to PSIA," Paige told her.
Emily nodded thoughtfully. Paige hadn't mentioned the group since the email had come the weekend before, and she hadn't a clue what Paige had been thinking all week about it all. After their talk, Paige had promised to consider what Emily had said, and she hoped that Paige had thought about it. Emily wanted more than anything for Paige to be happy.
"Do you know what it's going to say yet?" Emily asked cautiously, hoping to feel out Paige's thoughts.
Paige shook her head. "Not yet," she told Emily regretfully.
Emily nodded as she pulled herself up from the bed and started towards her wardrobe to find an outfit to wear, wondering for a moment if anyone would care if she just showed up in her PSU warm ups. After she dressed into a pair of jeans, she stood in front of the mirror and put on a touch of makeup and brushed her hair.
"You know, I could come by after. Meet up with you," Paige said, drawing Emily's attention.
Emily turned to face her, smiling. "Yeah. Come find me. Or should I say, come save me," she added sarcastically.
Paige grinned. "What's the address? I'll text you when I get there."
Emily moved over to Paige's desk and copied down the address Hanna had texted her onto a post-it note.
"You better not stand me up," Emily warned her jokingly.
Paige laughed. "I wouldn't dare," she told her with a sly smile.
Emily smiled, biting on her bottom lip, as she caught eyes with Paige before finally turning back to finish getting ready. She was so tired that she couldn't imagine going out to a loud party, but at least if Paige would be joining her later, it couldn't be so bad.
After Emily had left, Paige tapped her fingers on the desk, staring at the blank email opened on her computer screen. This day had been coming all week, and even though she had been mulling over her decision nearly every second of every day, it didn't make it any easier to finally sit down and be faced with finally making a choice. The entire ride home, she'd forced herself to clear her mind and put the day behind her, choosing to let herself dissolve in the feeling of Emily against her. Now the familiar tug of war that had been plaguing her all week had returned full force, and she felt like she was being ripped in two as the two sides warred within her. On one end, there was the life that had been chosen for her, laid out like a paved road. On the other was uncharted waters, murky, deep and terrifyingly unknown. She didn't really know if she had the guts to step out and see if she'd sink or swim.
Releasing a heavy, frustrated sigh, Paige lifted herself from the desk and moved to her bed, letting her body drop limply onto the mattress. Checking her watch, she saw that the seconds were ticking by like some kind of time bomb, and she felt a rush of anxious energy fill her chest. Resting her head on the pillow, Paige told herself to just stay calm and breathe.
Instinctively, she reached a hand up to the ledge above her bed where her row of books sat dormant, as they'd done for weeks. Paige took her copy of The Alchemist, brushing the dust of with her hand, she flipped open the cover, like she'd done probably hundreds of times since her mother had given her the book. It was aged and worn, with a few of the pages fading and the edges torn in places. There were scribbles in the margins, and even though Paige had marred the borders of every other one of her books, the words on these pages were solely her mom's. Now, Paige cherished the copy, reaching to it those times when things felt unbearable, when she felt trapped, when everything felt futile. It was the last gift her mother had given her. It was the most important piece Paige had of her. Opening it always made her feel like her mother was still with her, wrapping her arms around her like she always used to, like she did so often during those last few months when she would tell Paige that everything would be okay, those last days before she was gone.
Paige took a deep breath as she flipped through the pages, reading. After a few minutes, when she finally came to a certain passage, she read it half a dozen times, over and over, letting the words penetrate her heart. Slowly, as the meaning sank in, she felt herself grow wrought with emotion, her eyes filling with tears. She sniffled, trying to push them away as she wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt. She knew what she had to do, and she couldn't deny it any more.
Paige set the book and, in a hurry, moved back to her desk, sitting down and typing furiously.
Back on the bed, the book lay open to a passage that had been underlined eons ago.
It read: "What's the world's greatest lie?" the boy asked, completely surprised. "It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie."
Paige had decided then that she was done believing that lie.
This was her life, and it was in her hands.
When Emily arrived at the party, she stepped into the crowded, noisy living room, glancing around, looking for that familiar splash of Hanna's blond hair. When she didn't see her right away, Emily pulled out her cell to phone her, hoping that she was, in fact, at the right place.
Just then, a text message popped up on Emily's phone. It was from Paige. Emily's eyes glanced across the message, reading Paige's words, and she felt a flash of excitement come over her.
Leaving now. And I have something to tell you. Can we talk? -P
She hoped upon hope that it was good news, that Paige had chosen to be brave. Emily knew that Paige was strong, that she could do this, but Emily also knew that sometimes Paige's greatest enemy was herself, always convincing her own mind that she was weak. Sometimes Emily felt like she was the only one who knew how far that was from the truth. Maybe Paige was finally looking at herself the way Emily did. Energized, Emily realized that she couldn't wait to see her.
Hanna's voice shouting her name tore Emily away from her thoughts as she quickly typed a response and sent it back to Paige before putting her cell away again in her bag.
"Hey!" Hanna shouted excitedly with a gleaming, devious smile.
"Um, hi," Emily replied curiously, eyeing Hanna and wondering where all this energy had come from. It was too early to be drunk, even for her.
"I'm so sorry about your meet," Hanna told her frowning as she grabbed Emily's arm and pulled her into the mass of people.
Emily shrugged. "It happens," she lamented with a small frown.
They started walking through the house, and as they made their way, they caught up on each of their weeks. After Emily told Hanna about her mom coming in for Thanksgiving, Hanna let her know that, with a stroke of lucky, she had ran into the boy she'd met at the pajama party the weekend before, and he'd asked for her number. Emily could tell Hanna was giddy with joy, so she didn't have the heart to break it to her that she couldn't even remember what the boy looked like. Instead, she let her know she was happy for her and hoped that it worked out.
Looking around, Emily turned to Hanna again. "So whose party is this? And why did I have to come?" Emily asked as she scanned the room, seeing a crowd of unfamiliar people.
"Becausssse," Hanna replied cryptically. " I have someone I want you to meet!" she told Emily, squealing with excitement.
Emily's mouth dropped open. She couldn't believe it. Hanna couldn't be serious. Was this really just a set up?
"Wait," Emily said, stopping them both in their tracks and turning to face Hanna. "That's what tonight is all about? And I thought you were just trying to cheer me up," she added, confronting Hanna head on.
Hanna smirked. "I am trying to cheer you up. And what better way than a really hot girl?" Hanna replied, nudging Emily energetically.
Emily frowned. "I don't know if I'm really ready for that, Hanna."
Emily was in shock that Hanna would spring something like this on her without the slightest warning. It had only been just over a month since her breakup with Maya. Did Hanna really think she wanted to jump into something new already? Emily knew she'd thought about it the weekend before, after she'd been ogling Paige, but she had put that behind her. She didn't think all of this, meeting someone, dating someone new, was necessary to keep her eyes to herself. She had done just fine so far keeping her thoughts in check.
"It's not a marriage proposal, okay?" Hanna insisted. "It's not even a date. It's an introduction."
Emily sighed, shaking her head "Where did you even find this girl?" she asked cynically.
"Emily Fields," Hanna chastised playfully. "You act like I picked up someone off the street."
"Wouldn't put it past you," Emily replied smirking.
"She's in my Geography class, okay?" Hanna told her. "And she's great. Please give it a chance, Em. For me," she added more seriously, flashing Emily the most sympathetic pleading look. "I think you'll really like her."
Emily winced for a long moment as she debated darting out the front door and back home.
Finally, sighing, she relented. "Fine!"
Hanna grinned and squealed in response as she pulled Emily further into the party.
After she sent Emily the text, Paige took a last look in the mirror, fixing her hair and putting on a coat of lipstick. She felt a sense of exhilaration rushing through her at her decision. Paige had spent so many years playing the part her father created for her, and saying no to PSIA was the first step in finding her way back to herself again, figuring out who she was.
After she had changed three times, she'd settled on a shirt that Emily had once told her she liked on her. For some reason, she'd wanted to look her best. It felt like some sort of celebration. She'd changed the course of her life with one seemingly minor decision, and tonight felt like the first night of the new her. It had taken so much strength, and while she still felt an overwhelming sense of fear at the uncharted territory she was rushing into, she also felt happy. She'd finally found the guts be honest with herself about her life and Emily would be the first one to know. Just as she pulled on a coat over her outfit, her cell beeped from her desk. Crossing over, she reached for it and opened the message.
Of course :) Can't wait to see you!
Smiling to herself, Paige grabbed her keys and raced out the door. She couldn't wait to tell Emily.
A moment later, Emily and Hanna had fought through the crowd and made their way towards a back room where a few people were mingling. It was quieter back there, and Emily was grateful to be away from the noise after the long day she'd had.
With Hanna pulling her, Emily's eyes moved across the room until they settled on the opposite corner. Narrowing her eyes, Emily examined a girl leaning against the wall, talking to someone else, and she felt a sense of familiarity come over her. Just then, sensing their presence, the girl turned, and Emily recognized her instantly.
Emily saw the girl catch eyes with Hanna first and then Emily as Hanna dragged her over to meet her. Before they reached her, the girl excused herself from the conversation she was in and stepped forward to green them both.
"Hey, Hanna," the girl said with a smile as they approached.
"Hey! Sooooo, this is-," Hanna started, smiling as she turned from the girl back to Emily.
"Emily, right?" the other girl finished, flashing a smile, her eyes locked on Emily.
"Yeah," Emily replied, releasing a small laugh at how crazy this all was.
"Samara," the girl said as she reached out her hand to Emily.
Emily took it, shaking hands with her. "I remember," she replied nodding.
Hanna's eyes moved between Emily and the other girl curiously. "You two have met?" she asked, surprised.
"Yeah, Hanna," Emily told her as her eyes went back to Samara whose eyes were still on her. Emily fidgeted awkwardly at the attention, turning back to Hanna. "We've met."
Hanna smirked, as if to say her job as done. "Well, I think I'm going to go get a drink then," she replied, spinning on her heel and leaving Emily and Samara on their own.
Emily turned back to Samara who now looked a touch embarrassed. "I promise I didn't know it was you," she told Emily, smiling apologetically.
"Right," Emily agreed. "I mean, there must be hundreds of gay Emilys on campus," she teased back, and the two girls laughed together.
"Okay, I wondered if it was you," Samara admitted, playfully wincing. "Is it bad to say that I kind of hoped?" she added with a smile.
Emily smirked. "I don't know. Does this mean you'd hoped I was single now?" she teased.
"Can you really blame me?" Samara replied, taking a step closer to Emily.
Emily felt herself shift nervously at Samara's forwardness. She'd never had a girl be so up front, so comfortable letting her know she was interested. It was different and surprising and kind of energizing.
Samara smiled again. "I just hope you're not disappointed that it's me."
Emily shrugged, pushing her hair behind her hair. "I think in order to be disappointed, I'd have to know I was meeting someone tonight," she admitted.
Samara's eyes widened in surprise. "Hanna didn't tell you?" she asked.
"She didn't," Emily told her. "I think she probably thought I wouldn't show," Emily explained with a frown as Emily finally let herself take a long look at Samara. Her eyes scanned Samara's face. She had a great smile and bright eyes and a confidence that was undeniable. And when Emily had met her before, she had seemed to be interested. Maybe this wasn't a terrible idea. As Hanna said, it was just an introduction, right? And Emily had to admit that Hanna was right about one thing. Samara was pretty, really pretty. She figured she should at least give this a chance.
"But don't worry," Emily added with a smile. "I'm glad I did."
It took about fifteen minutes for Paige to make her way across campus to the party. It was chilly outside, but the sky was clear, revealing a scattering of stars against the black night. Her hands were shoved in her pockets, and she still felt the exhilarating nervous energy pumping thorugh her body. She couldn't believe she'd done it. She'd told the group 'no' because she wanted to. It felt like the first decision she'd every really made for herself, and it made her feel on top of the world.
The sound of the music pumping grabbed her attention before she realized she had arrived at the party. Looking up at the mailbox, Paige double-checked the address with the post-it Emily had given her and made her way up the front steps. The front door was half-open, and she pushed it open to find a crowd of coeds milling around.
Wandering through the large living room, Paige's eyes searched for Emily, hoping she might find her without needing to send a message that the noise would likely only drown out. Rounding a corner towards the kitchen where a large keg was set up, Paige caught sight of one of their swim teammates, Mallorie, passing by. Reaching out her hand, Paige stopped her gently. The other girl turned to Paige and smiled.
"Hi, Paige!" she said eagerly, and Paige could tell by her enthusiasm that she'd probably had a couple of drinks.
"Hey, Mallorie. Have you seen Emily?" Paige asked, glancing around the room one more time.
"Fields?" Mallorie replied.
"Yeah," Paige responded, nodding.
"She's in the back," Mallorie said, motioning with her head towards the corridor that led to the back room. "But I think she might be preoccupied," she added suggestively, smirking slyly.
Paige's eyes narrowed in confusion. "What does that mean?" she asked nervously.
"Go see for yourself," Mallorie dared, her brows raised curiously.
Paige felt her stomach flip even though she had no idea why Emily would be "preoccupied." Mallorie made it seemed like Emily needed the privacy, but Emily was the one who had insisted she come to the party, who had wanted Paige to come find her, so she decided to head to the back and see if they could still talk.
Making her way towards the other room, Paige froze just before she reached the entrance. Before her, Emily was leaning against the wall, but she wasn't alone. She was talking with someone that Paige didn't recognize, but she didn't need to in order to feel instantly uncomfortable. She shifted her weight as she lingered in place, eyeing the pair, and especially the person standing with Emily.
The girl was tall with blonde messy waves and sky blue eyes. She wore a tight shirt with a scooping neckline and a fitted jacket over it. Her jeans hugged her body, showing off her figure, and she wore heels that put her a couple of inches taller than Emily. She looked like some picture perfect California girl, or at least how Paige always suspected one to look, and she was leaning in to Emily so that their bodies were close as they spoke.
Paige knew she should walk away, that it wasn't right for her to watch, that what she was doing was spying, but she couldn't tear herself away. As she watched, she saw Emily smile shyly and bite her lip, and the blonde girl's eyes move to Emily's mouth. It made Paige feel nauseous. She closed her eyes and shook her head at herself, but she couldn't help that her mind was racing over this girl who was so obviously flirting with Emily. Who was she? Where did she come from? How did they meet?
Paige tried to shake off her thoughts. Maybe it was just someone from one of Emily's classes that she had run into. Maybe it was just a casual conversation. The loud music was permeating the entire house, so it was clear they would have to stand closely if they wanted to hear one another. She told herself some random girl didn't change anything and she shouldn't be so worried about it. She still wanted to talk to Emily before she lost all of her bravado. Taking a deep breath, Paige moved away from the scene and told herself to be patient.
"So, do you want to grab a drink?" Emily asked Samara at a break in their conversation.
After a few minutes, they'd managed to settle into a rhythm of conversation. Emily learned that Samara was a junior at Penn State and had grown up near Philly just as Emily had. They discussed a few places back home they both knew of and laughed as they realized how crazy it was that they had never met back then.
"Oh, that's okay," Samara replied politely, shaking her head. "I don't drink beer," she added with a touch of disgust on her face.
"What do you drink at all these college parties then?" Emily asked incredulously with a laugh.
"Oh," Samara replied with a frown. "Well, they're not really my scene, but I wanted to meet you so I figured I could wade through the miscreants," she added disdainfully.
Emily shifted uncomfortably. By now, Emily had been to what seemed like dozens of parties, and while she wasn't always there to get wasted and be a fool, with the right people, with Paige especially, they could be a lot of fun.
"Yeah, totally," Emily replied awkwardly, unsure what to actually say that wouldn't make Samara think of her as another of those 'miscreants.'
"So, do you think I could have your number?" Samara finally asked hopefully. "We could go out sometime?"
"Okay, sure," Emily agreed, nodding.
Samara pulled her cell out of her purse, and Emily recited her phone number before Samara saved it into her phone book and put it back away, smiling. Emily noticed that Samara hadn't offered her number to Emily, and for some reason, Emily felt like it wasn't just an oversight, but an intentional decision, like maybe Samara was used to calling all of the shots. Maybe it was better that way, Emily thought. It took the decision making out of her own hands when she knew she probably would have come up with a thousand reasons to chicken her way out of calling Samara.
Even more so, Emily hardly knew how to ask someone like Samara out on a date, someone who was older and mature and who probably had standards and expectations that Emily couldn't begin to predict. If Samara thought the party was low-class, Emily wasn't exactly sure what she would have in mind for a date. Besides, dating was still something so completely new to Emily. She and Maya had just kind of fallen into a relationship. There wasn't all this formal courting that Emily knew was the norm, and Emily thought it might be better to let Samara take the lead on this one. Then again, maybe she was getting ahead of herself. There was a chance Samara might not even really be interested. She may have only been acting polite. Maybe she wouldn't even call.
After Samara slid her phone back into her purse, she let Emily know she had to get going and they exchanged 'goodnights' before Samara took off with the hopes of finding Hanna to tell her goodbye before she left. When she was finally gone, Emily shrugged off all of her nervous thoughts and told herself that whatever happened, happened. Checking her phone, Emily noticed that it had already been nearly an hour since she had heard from Paige that she was on her way. Remembering that Paige had mentioned wanting to talk, Emily smiled and put her phone away, deciding to search the house to see if Paige had arrived yet.
A few minutes later, Emily found her way to the kitchen where she saw Paige engaged in a conversation with a few people. Emily watched her for a moment as the people around her, entranced in whatever Paige was saying, laughed at a joke she had made. Emily couldn't help but smile. While Emily had to admit that in the beginning of their friendship, Emily would find herself just a touch jealous when Paige's attention was on other people, as they had grown closer, she'd learn that no matter who Paige was with, she seemed to feel the same way as Emily, that they both would rather be in each other's company.
Leaning up against the wall nearby, Emily waited patiently for Paige to finish up her conversation, watching the gleam in her eyes and the expressions on her face and the way her mouth moved as she entertained the crowd. Emily had always been drawn to Paige's charisma and the ease with which she could light up a room. It was a quality Emily had felt she was missing herself and had always admired in Paige.
As she was talking, Paige caught a glimpse of Emily out of the corner of her eye and smiled, and Emily knew that it was her way of saying that she'd try to finagle her way out of the conversation as soon as she could.
After a few minutes, Paige finally found a way to duck away from the people she'd been chatting with and crossed the room to Emily's side. It felt good that Emily had come to find her and had decided to wait so that they could hang out. After seeing Emily with Samara, she had thought that Emily might be preoccupied the whole night, and Paige had considered going back home to the dorms to save herself the embarrassment of being there alone. Yet, she knew, at least, that Hanna was there somewhere, so she figured if Emily never came around, she could at least hang out with her so it didn't seem like she was all by herself at the party.
"I thought you were going to come find me," Emily whined jokingly, as she pushed Paige lightly in the stomach when she approached.
The touch was so subtle that it didn't hurt, but nonetheless, Paige felt a buzzing in her gut where Emily's hand had made contact. Even after months, the thrill of Emily's touch still hadn't diminished, but Paige had at least learned not to show what she felt inside on her face every single time. Since the nearly catastrophic incident the weekend before, Paige had consciously decided that it was better to stay light on the drinks when she was with Emily so as not to lose her self-control, and tonight, she hadn't even so much as had a sip of alcohol even though her nerves had reached a near nuclear scale.
"Sorry," Paige apologized, wincing. "I just got caught up," she said, hoping it wasn't a complete lie. Seeing Emily with that other girl had made her so uncomfortable that the idea of interrupting their conversation was the last thing she had wanted to do.
"Well, I'm just glad I could steal you back," Emily told her, linking arms with Paige and drawing her out of the kitchen and back into the living room where the party was in full swing.
"So you won't believe this," Emily said as she dropped Paige's arm and slowed to a stop, turning to face Paige. "Hanna set me up with this girl tonight," Emily told her, rolling her eyes playfully.
Paige felt a pit form in her gut. So her instincts had been right. That pretty blonde she'd seen Emily with had seemed so obviously into Emily in that way, but now Paige had confirmation. And even worse, the whole thing was a set up, a date. It was planned. Emily was supposed to like this girl back. Paige started to grow nauseous.
"She did?" Paige finally asked nervously, not knowing what else to say when she felt like she needed air.
"Yeah. It was so funny," Emily replied with a laugh.
Paige told herself to breathe. Emily was making light of the whole situation, so maybe she wasn't really into the other girl. Yet, Paige had seen her laughing, giggling even, and it wasn't as though she had moved away when that girl had gotten so close.
Paige found herself forcing a smile. "Like a blind date or something?" she asked, trying not to clench her teeth.
"That's the thing. I already know her," Emily explained humorously, as if there was a joke that went along with all of this that Paige just didn't get. "Her name's Samara. We met on the first day of school. She had one of those student group booths set up in the Quad. You remember, right?" Emily asked, turning to Paige.
Paige swallowed hard, nodding. "Yeah. I remember," she said, wondering what student group this girl would have been in charge of, wondering why Emily had stopped there, if the girl had known Emily was gay, if they had flirted then, if she'd ever crossed Emily's mind since.
"That's not important though," Emily replied, brushing off the entire thing in this casual way. "What did you want to tell me?" she asked Paige eagerly.
"It's nothing," Paige replied, shaking her head. How could she possible talk about herself when all she could think of was that predatory gleam in the girl's eye when she looked at Emily, as if she were something to eat.
"No, it's not. Now, come on," Emily said, reaching for Paige's forearm and tugging her towards the front door. "It's way too loud in here."
Paige followed Emily's lead as they meandered to the front of the house and stepped out onto the front porch. It was much colder outside, but the fresh air felt good as Paige breathed in deeply. On the right side was a battered leather sofa, which Emily led them to, both taking a seat with Emily on the far side turned to face Paige. As they got comfortable, their arms just barely grazed, sending a shiver through Paige's body at the contact of Emily's warmth on her cool skin.
"Okay, better," Emily said with a smile as she drew her legs onto the couch. "Now talk to me," she encouraged, her dark eyes focused on Paige, and in an instant, Paige felt a sense of calm wash over her.
This was Emily, Paige told herself. This was the person she cared most about in the world. This was the person who had showed her time and time again that she cared just the same. This was the person who wanted her to be happy, and all the energy and excitement she had felt about telling Emily came back to her.
Paige took a deep breath. "I turned down PSIA," she said in a rushed release of air that made the sentence meld together as if it were a single solitary word.
Emily's eyes widened. "You did?" Emily asked, with a hopeful gleam on her face.
Paige nodded nervously. "Yeah."
Emily smiled slightly. "How do you feel?" she asked as she reached her hand out and settled it on Paige's wrist.
The touch of Emily's palm on her skin felt so good. Every time they touched, it felt good, but not only good. It felt sweet and exhilarating and thrilling. It was exactly the same as how it felt when she'd finally had the courage to take her life back. She wondered if this was what happiness felt like. Even just a taste of it. Emily's hand on hers.
"Scared," Paige admitted, knowing there was fear written all over her face. "Terrified, actually. But good."
Emily's eyes brightened. "Good," she replied, their eyes locked on each other.
Paige fidgeted slightly, turning her eyes away from Emily and pursing her lips. "I also signed up to take an American Lit class next semester. Just, you know, to scope it out," she explained with a shrug. "See if I want to switch majors next year."
"No way! That's amazing, Paige," Emily replied excitedly, a wide smile on her face as her hand dropped from Paige's wrist so that she was clutching Paige's hand. It sent a rush of energy through Paige's body.
Paige's eyes lingered on their hands as she nodded. "I just thought about what you said, about letting myself be happy," she said as she finally looked up to see Emily's warm gaze on her still.
"I'm so glad," Emily told her, and all of sudden, it felt like Emily was so close to her. Her legs were pulled up on the sofa, their legs were brushing, and they were still holding hands. Paige felt so close to her, like she could tell her anything, like all of her feelings were safe with Emily.
"You were right. About everything," Paige started to tell her, drawing the sweetest smile from Emily.
Yet, there was more that Paige felt itching under her skin to say, things she'd told herself not to say for so long. Now, it was right under the surface, calling to her. Sitting there now with Emily, hands held, she felt like she had to be honest. How was there any other choice? How could she love her this much and not tell her?
However, all of her ability to put it all into words had seemed to have vanished from her mind between the fear and excitement and nerves she was feeling. Yet, she knew she could hold on to those three simple words she knew were true. Those three simple words were her saving grace.
"Look, Emily. There's something else I want to say. To tell you," Paige started nervously. Inside, she felt her heart hammering away, and on the outside, her hands were shaking furiously. She took one last breath of air, mustering her courage. "Emily, I…"
Just then, Paige noticed Emily's eyes flicker to something behind Paige. It was subtle, but with every sense in her body heightened, Paige felt every single one of Emily's movements. Paige turned her head to look over her shoulder to see what Emily was looking at. It was Samara, standing about ten feet away near the front door, in her heels, her blonde shiny hair moving in the breeze, waving goodbye to Emily with a dazzling smile. Emily lifted her hand just a touch and sent a small polite wave back.
Paige felt her heart sink instantly. What had she been thinking? Paige thought. What was any of this going to accomplish? Telling Emily she loved her was purposeless and futile when that's what Emily wanted. Someone spectacularly beautiful. Someone put together. Someone with whom things could be simple and easy. And Paige knew that she was never going to be any of those things.
"Paige," Emily said, drawing Paige back to her.
When Paige's eyes found Emily's, they were expectant ,and Paige couldn't figure out what to say. Emily's hand was still on hers, but everything about the scene felt different. Paige knew that the way she felt when Emily touched her hand wasn't the same for Emily. This was nothing but a friendship to her. And why would she even think to risk that when that friendship meant everything to Paige?
"You were saying…" Emily continued, her eyes scanning Paige's face with curiosity.
Paige shook her head. "Nothing. Just… thank you. I wouldn't have had the guts if it hadn't been for you," she told Emily, forcing a smile.
"This was all you," Emily insisted. "And even if it sounds super lame, I'm really proud of you."
Paige felt her face flush as she shifted her gaze shyly to her lap. The feeling she had when Emily looked at her that way would probably never go away. She just hoped that Emily's eyes always looked at her with that same sweetness, even if it was only as friend. It felt so good that she knew she could never risk losing that feeling.
"Come on, let's celebrate," Emily told her excitedly, before tugging Paige up by the hand and dragging her towards the inside of the house to get a drink.
A few minutes later, both girls held cups of beer from the keg in their hands, and they'd found a quiet place in a corner of one of the rooms where Emily had toasted Paige's decision. Afterwards, Emily had started probing Paige about the class she had signed up to take in the spring semester. Paige had looked up the course information, and she had felt exhilarated reading the list of authors they'd be studying during the class. She already knew most of them and had either read some of their work or had been wanting to. However, as much as Emily's excitement felt good, it somehow seemed to be overshadowed by all of those images of that girl trying to cozy up to Emily earlier. Paige couldn't get it out of her head. Finally, amidst their talk of Paige's English class, a lull in the conversation hit, and Paige interjected, unable to restrain herself.
"So, are you going to go on a date with her?" Paige asked curiously, trying not to betray her own jealousy.
Emily cocked her head curiously. "What?" she asked as if she hadn't remembered what Paige was referring to. "Oh, with Samara?" she wondered.
Paige nodded. "Yeah."
"I don't know," Emily told her with a casual shrug as she took another swig of beer. "I gave her my number. I'll guess I'll see if she calls."
And of course, she did call, Paige thought regretfully, just as a knock rasped on their dorm room door. It was only a few days later that Samara had rung Emily. Paige hadn't been around, and she was thankful. She had only seen Emily interacting with Samara from afar and that was hard enough to see. She couldn't imagine how awful it would feel to hear Emily giggling over the phone as the girl flirted with her.
By now, Emily had spent nearly an hour in front of the mirror adjusting her hair and makeup while Paige had lain on her bed, dressed in a simple pair of jeans, her hair pulled into a low ponytail, pretending to read. Paige had wanted to assure Emily that she looked beautiful, she always did, but part of her had thought that considering how much Emily was anxiously preparing for the date, maybe she'd get too nervous and call to cancel.
Paige had had no such luck.
When Emily had finally finished in front of the mirror, Paige watched her reach into her jewelry box and retrieve something shiny.
"Paige?" Emily had said, turning to face her.
Paige's breath had caught in her throat as she looked Emily up and down. She was so amazingly stunning, Paige had thought as her eyes took Emily in. Her dark hair was arranged in waves that cascaded over her shoulders and fell almost to her elbows. The gold shade swept across her eyelids seemed to make her dark brown eyes glow, and she was wearing a deep purple dress Paige had never seen on her before that clung to her curves in the most perfect way.
"Yeah?" Paige had replied breathlessly.
"Will you help me with this?" Emily had asked sweetly, holding up a gold pendant necklace.
Paige had nodded as she set down her book and pulled herself up from her spot the bed. Crossing the room, she'd taken the necklace from Emily's fingers. As Emily had turned her back to her, Paige had lifted the necklace over her head while Emily pulled her hair out of the way so that Paige could fasten the clasp. As she did, Paige's eyes had raked over the back of Emily's slender neck, at the tiny wisps of hair at the nape, and breathed in her skin that smelled just like warm vanilla.
Paige had swallowed hard. All of this hurt. It hurt more than she'd probably ever imagined it would. Emily dressing up, fixing her hair just right, putting her makeup on perfectly, all to go on a date with someone else. Emily being nervous over someone else. The ache in Paige's chest was unbearable. Yet, she had to bear it. The truth was that Paige wanted Emily to be happy, even if that happiness had nothing to do with her.
After Paige had fastened the clasp to Emily's necklace, she'd set the chain back down on Emily's neck, her fingers grazing Emily's back.
"Okay," Paige had whispered to Emily, letting her know she was finished. Just as Paige had pulled her hands away, Emily had let her hair fall back into place, a few pieces just barely falling over Paige's fingers for the briefest moment. All of a sudden, she had felt completely overwhelmed by how much she wanted to touch Emily. More than anything in the world, she'd wanted to wrap her arms around Emily and pull her tight against her, press her lips to the back of Emily's neck and breathe in the scent of her hair. Instead, Paige had let her hands drop to her sides, making fists to hold herself back, to keep her hands to herself.
Emily had finally turned around to face Paige again, wearing an anxious smile on her face like she was trying to hold it together.
"Nervous?" Paige had asked with an encouraging smile.
"That obvious?" Emily had wondered, flashing a small frown.
"No," Paige had assured her, reaching a hand up and adjusting Emily's necklace so that the pendant was centered around her neck. "I just know you," she'd added with a smirk.
Emily had taken a deep breath. "What if she, I don't know, realizes she doesn't even like me?"
"That's never going to happen," Paige had insisted, but the look on Emily's face had showed that she didn't quite believe her. "Look, Em," Paige had started again, softer and more seriously. "Just be you, okay? If you show her the person I know… she'll be so head over heels, she won't even know what to do with herself."
Emily had rolled her eyes playfully. "You're just saying that," she'd insisted in this adorably self-deprecating way that Paige knew she could never possible understand. To Paige, Emily was the most beautiful thing she'd ever known, from everything you could see on the outside all the way to her heart. How could Emily fail to see that?
Paige had smirked. "Why would I just say that? You know I'm not that nice," she'd quipped wryly.
Emily had smiled sweetly, shaking her head.
"Yes," Emily replied she took a step closer to Paige. "You are," she challenged.
Feeling a hitch in her throat at Emily's sudden proximity, Paige had frozen in place as Emily moved even closer, leaning in until her lips brushed Paige's cheek, leaving a soft, chaste kiss behind. Paige's eyes had fluttered shut at the contact, feeling butterflies all over her body at the innocent touch of Emily's soft full lips against her skin. Just as the kiss ended, Paige had forced her eyes back open, ensuring that Emily wouldn't notice just how much the kiss had affected her.
Their gazes met, and Emily had smiled at her warmly. Paige had felt her own lips curl shyly, and she had known that her face must have been flushed. She'd shoved her fringe of bangs behind her ear awkwardly as she felt Emily's eyes linger on her. Slowly, Paige had watched as Emily's smile dissolved to something more serious. Paige told herself to say something, anything to try to stop all of this from happening, to stop Emily from going, but she couldn't. This was what Emily wanted. Someone beautiful and confident who could sweep her off her feet. Someone who had the bravado to ask for her hand. Someone who was everything that Paige wasn't.
"Paige," Emily had whispered, and Paige had felt her head grow dizzy at the earnestness in her voice. Emily had still been standing so closely that Paige had been able to feel the heat of her body. Emily's eyes had still been on her, and she hadn't a clue what Emily was going to say.
Paige had swallowed. "Yeah?" she'd replied, feeling her voice crack.
Just as Emily had been about to open her mouth to say something else, that loud knock on the door had sounded. Both their heads turned to the door, the intrusion changing the energy of the room instantly.
"That's her," Emily told Paige, who simply nodded in return.
For a moment, Emily didn't move, and Paige's eyes moved from Emily's nervous expression to the door and back to her again.
"Do you want me to…" Paige offered, motioning to the door.
Emily recovered quickly, shaking her head. "No, I got it," she said as she smoothed her dress and crossed the dorm room, reaching for the knob.
Paige told herself to go sit back down, to get back to pretending to read so that maybe she wouldn't have to see all of this, but she felt like her feet were planted in quicksand. As Emily pulled the door open, Paige realized what a glutton for punishment she was. She could at least have left the house, gone to the library to study, went to a party with Pru, but she hadn't. Instead, she'd chosen to plant herself at the dorm all night, watch Emily get ready, wait for this girl to arrive. And now, she was just going to stand there and watch another girl walk into their lives and take Emily away.
As Paige looked on, she saw that other girl appear in the doorway. Emily smiled and greeted Samara, and they exchanged hellos and a few words Paige wasn't able to hear. After a moment, Emily moved to allow Samara to step inside.
"Samara, This is Paige," Emily said, motioning to Paige who remembered that she was still in the room and not some invisible bystander watching her worst nightmare play out. "My roommate," she added, and something about that word stung. And yet, it was the truth. That was all she was to Emily. A roommate, a friend. Paige wasn't even sure what she would have said if she'd been introducing someone to Emily, but Paige knew that to her, Emily was so much more than those things. She was the person she knew she could laugh with or cry with, the one she came home to every night, the one she could count on, always.
"Hey," Paige said, forcing a smile as she took a step forward to greet the other girl.
Samara was even prettier close up, Paige thought resentfully. She was just taller than Emily and slender with perfect blonde hair, blue eyes, and just the right amount of freckles. She was dressed in a pair of slender black pants and red heels with a short sleeve black shirt on top, cinched at her waist with a red belt. She held a complete air of self-assurance that made Paige fear that, while Emily probably would never think to go in on a kiss on the first date, Samara seemed like exactly the kind of girl who would. The thought made her sick. Paige knew she'd made this promise to herself, that she'd allow herself to be friends with Emily if she could maintain a distance, so she told herself, no matter how much it hurt, that she had to just accept it. This was her cross to bear now, seeing Emily with someone else.
"Hi," Samara replied, flashing Paige a brilliant, beaming smile back. "Samara," she added, stepping forward and reaching out a hand to Paige. "It's nice to meet you."
"Yeah," Paige replied, awkwardly taking Samara's hand and feeling the other girl shake it firmly. "You too," Paige told her softly.
Emily crossed over so she could stand between Paige and Samara. Paige noticed that she looked even more nervous now, and whereas in any other circumstance, Paige would have stepped in to save her, she felt so completely off her game. It felt as though this Samara girl was reaching in and shaking up all of Paige's insecurities until they were coming back to the surface.
"Um, Paige is on the swim team with me," Emily interjected, trying to fill the awkward silence that was about to develop.
"Oh yeah?" Samara asked in this sugary sweet way that made Paige feel like the biggest jerk for hating her so much. After all, it wasn't her fault. Samara didn't have a clue that the girl she was about to take out, that Paige loved her more than anything.
"She's the best freshman on the team. Better than half the upperclassmen too," Emily added, flashing Paige a small smile.
Paige shook her head disparagingly in response. "Please. She's lying," Paige told Samara, catching the blonde's gaze, and trying to keep cool. "Emily puts all of us to shame."
Looking over, Paige saw Emily blush a little. Just then, Samara's eyes moved to Emily as well, her gaze running over Emily's face.
"So I've heard," Samara said with a smirk. "Hanna has told me all about the superstar. You know," she said, turning to Paige. "I was never really into swimming, but," she added, shrugging, before returning her eyes back to Emily. "Who doesn't like a girl who's not afraid to get a little wet?" Samara proposed flirtatiously.
Paige's jaw dropped slightly at Samara's words. Did she really say what Paige thought she'd said? Paige felt nauseous almost instantly, not only because of the suggestiveness lacing Samara's words, but because of Emily's reaction. Paige watched as she smiled bashfully as Samara's eyes focused in on Emily's mouth. Their eyes were locked for a long beat, and Paige thought she was going to be sick when Emily finally spoke.
"We should get going," she whispered, her eyes still on Samara.
Samara turned to Paige and flashed a polite smile. "Are you going out tonight, Paige?"
"Oh, uh, no. Just some reading," Paige replied awkwardly, her eyes flickering to her book on the bed before returning to Samara, to Samara and Emily, who were now standing even closer than Paige had realized.
Samara smiled again. "Well, don't wait up," she teased.
Paige could only nod as the pair said their goodbyes to Paige, and Emily grabbed her coat. Watching them leave, Paige saw Emily turn back one last time with another nervous look, and it took everything inside of Paige to offer her an encouraging smile. Finally, the two disappeared into the night, and the door clicked shut behind them leaving Paige with just the silence, her thoughts, and the ache in her chest.
When they stepped outside, it was already dark and the campus was quiet for a Friday night. Samara led the way to a black BMW parked in the lot next the dorm. Emily felt nervous and excited all at once. As they reached the car, Samara followed Emily to the passenger side and pulled the door open for her. Emily was pretty sure it was the first time a girl had ever done this, and she wasn't sure how to react.
Emily turned to Samara, smiling graciously.
Samara smiled back. "You know, you look amazing tonight," she told Emily.
Emily's cheeks flushed. "Thanks," she replied softly as she slid into the black leather passenger seat of the car, letting Samara shut it behind her.
As Samara crossed around the car towards the driver's side, Emily told herself to calm down. Yet, all of this felt so different for Emily. The formality of it, the newness, the fact that she knew hardly a thing about Samara, this idea of dating felt like a completely foreign concept. She didn't know at all what to do. Was she supposed to have complimented Samara back? She was so nervous, and she felt like at some point in the night, Samara was going to realize she had asked out some dumb little freshman and realize that she regretted it.
As they began driving, they talked a little as Emily wondered where exactly they were heading. State College wasn't a big town, but without a car, Emily hadn't seen most of it. Now as they traveled across town, they passed a few familiar streets at first and drove past the old Drive-In Theatre that she and Paige had been planning to go to for some time. Eventually, they pulled into a parking lot near an expensive bistro Emily had never been to.
After Samara cut the engine, Emily reached for the car door just as Samara reached a hand out to touch her arm.
"I've got the door, Em," Samara insisted with a smile as she unfastened her seatbelt and got out of the car, moving to Emily's side to let her out.
Emily felt so uncomfortable having someone dote on her this way, like she couldn't open a door for herself, but she tried to tell herself that it was Samara who had asked her out tonight, who had made all the plans, who had insisted on picking her up, and maybe Emily needed to just sit back and go with the flow. Besides, Emily thought as Samara pulled opened Emily's door and reached out a hand to help her out of the car, it didn't exactly feel terrible to be treated this way.
After the two girls had settled in a booth near the wall, Emily took a moment to glance around the restaurant. It was both upscale and trendy at once with white linens covering the tables and beautiful artwork across the walls. All of the waiters were dressed in white buttoned shirts, black pants and vests, and Emily wondered if this was a place Samara came to often. She was, after all, older than Emily, and she seemed comfortable in this place in a way Emily wasn't.
When the waiter arrived at the table, Samara asked him about the wine selections, discussing a few of his suggestions and eventually asking for a bottle of chenin blanc for them to share. Emily noticed that the way she spoke to him was so naturally and carefree that the waiter didn't even bother to ask if they were of age, and while Samara was, Emily was far from.
After the waiter left, Emily leaned in a little bit, smiling shyly. "You know I'm not 21, right?"
Samara laughed. "I know, babe," she said, reaching a hand across the table and brushing Emily's fingers. "Don't worry. I've been here before. They're not going to ask," she assured Emily.
Emily nodded, telling herself to just relax and enjoy herself, and not to over-analyze and worry about every single little thing. A top the table, Samara intertwined their fingers gently, and Emily smiled, even though she felt so nervous that Samara was already holding her hand. Even though it was so casual and innocent, it seemed so fast for Emily when she realized that she hardly knew much about Samara yet. Maybe it was a good reason to try to get to know her better though.
When the waiter returned, pouring them two glasses, Samara made a toast, and they clinked their glasses together. As Emily took a sip of the wine, she tried to tell herself that maybe, just maybe, this could be something.
It had been hours since Emily left, and by now, Paige had changed into a pair of boxers and a t-shirt and crawled in to bed. She had meant to spend the evening reading, but instead, she had ended up staring at her book for hours while she imagined in horror all of the things that might be happening on Emily's date. The hours ticked by, and the later on in the night it became, the more Paige felt like vomiting. She wondered where they were, what they were doing, if they were holding hands, or worse, if they were kissing. The thought of anyone else touching Emily made Paige feel sick with jealousy, but she told herself to suck it up and stomach it. After all, she only had herself to blame.
By now, Paige had been lying in bed facing the wall for almost an hour with the lights shut off, her eyes tightly shut, trying to sleep, yet it had continued to evade her. She had started out facing Emily's bed, but she realized that every few minutes, she would keep opening her eyes to glance at Emily's empty bed. After some time, she had turned over, trying to hide out the distractions, but the one in her own mind was the greatest.
Eventually, Paige heard a soft noise break the silence and recognized the sound of keys jingling outside the door. She was home, Paige thought gratefully, as she listened to Emily unlock the door and step into the darkened room. Without saying a word, Paige listened as Emily crossed over to her desk and set down her purse. Paige could hear the sound of her coat coming off her shoulders and it being placed on the counter. After a couple of minutes, Paige sensed Emily coming over to her side of the room and standing over her bed.
Feeling Emily sitting down on her bed, Paige shut her eyes tighter, trying to pretend like she hadn't been waiting since the moment Emily had left for her to return.
"Paige. Wake up," Emily whispered as Paige felt Emily lay down on the bed behind her, resting her head on the same pillow as Paige and pulling the covers over her body.
Paige's breathed hitched in her throat as she felt the heat of Emily's body near her. She felt Emily's hand touch her waist to wake her, and Paige pretended to stir from sleep and turned over in bed to face Emily, resting her head back down on the pillow just a few inches from Em's. Even though she'd changed positions, Emily's hand had somehow lingered still on Paige's waist.
"Hey," Paige whispered when her eyes caught sight of Emily "You're back," she said as her gaze took Emily in up close in the dark with just the faint moonlight illuminating her face. She was only inches away, her pink lips and dark eyes and soft cheeks and silky hair only inches away, and she was as beautiful as ever.
"I am," Emily replied, not saying anything more.
Their bodies were so close that Paige could feel Emily's bare legs where her dress wasn't covering her skin just brushing her own thighs. Emily's skin felt so soft and smooth, and Paige felt guilty for the way it was making her body feel, the heat it was sending through her.
"How was it?" Paige asked nervously.
Emily shrugged. "She's… nice," she explained with a nod, like she couldn't decide on a better word.
"Nice?" Paige asked curiously. What exactly did 'nice' mean?
Emily nodded. "Really nice."
Paige simply nodded and bit her tongue to keep her from saying what she really wanted to say, which was that Samara was probably so nice because she probably wanted to get you into her bed, Emily. Like you're in mine right now, but in a completely different way. Paige sighed at the realization. It didn't matter that Emily was lying so close to her in bed, that their legs were touching, that Emily's hand was on her waist, and their faces were so close that just a subtle movement was needed for their lips to touch. None of that mattered because they were nothing more than friends.
Paige swallowed back the ache inside of her. "That's cool," she replied, forcing a smile.
"Yeah," Emily whispered, and by the look on her face, the one Paige could just barely make out in the dark, for once, Paige couldn't tell how Emily really felt.
"So you had a good time?" Paige asked cautiously.
"Yeah. I think I did," Emily replied, smiling a little now.
"That's great," Paige assured her. "Are you going to see her again?"
"Sure," Emily said uncertainly. "I mean, I should right?" she asked nervously. "If she calls?"
Inside, she wanted to scream that Emily shouldn't, but Paige wanted to see her happy, with someone who wouldn't break her heart, and if this girl could do that, then she wanted Emily to have that, no matter how much it ripped her apart.
Paige shrugged. "If you want to," Paige offered, trying not to sway Emily in either direction.
"She might not even call," Emily replied doubtfully.
"Em," Paige replied firmly. "She'll call," she added insistently. Emily nodded and smiled shyly in response. "I'm happy you had a good time," Paige said softly, even though every single word felt like a dagger piercing her heart.
Paige felt Emily move her hand from Paige's waist and up to her face where her fingers pushed Paige's stray auburn hair back out of her face, her fingers grazing Paige's ear.
"Thanks," Emiliy whispered, her fingers lingering on Paige's earlobe.
Paige felt like she could hardly breathe. "I didn't do anything," Paige quipped dryly to try to squelch the way her nerves were overreacting.
"Thanks for being you," Emily told her softly. "You're… the best friend I ever had."
Paige smiled and nodded as their eyes stayed locked. She felt so overwhelmed. She loved Emily. More than anything, she loved her.
Eventually, Emily dropped her hand and broke the gaze.
"I should… sleep," Emily said as she shifted her body so she was sitting up.
"Early practice," Paige agreed as she watched Emily rise from the bed.
"Goodnight," Emily whispered.
"Night," Paige told her as she forced her eyes closed just to stop the tears.
After leaving Paige's bed, Emily crossed back to her side of the room to change in to her pajamas and lie down. When she had returned home and crawled in next to Paige minutes earlier, she realized how much she'd missed her that night. With Paige, everything was so easy and comfortable, and their Friday nights were always full of laughs. Even when things grew serious, she always felt connected to Paige, like she could tell her anything and Paige would know exactly what to say. They had this connection that felt so rare that Emily wasn't sure she would find in anyone else, and it contrasted so sharply with being on a first date with Samara.
It wasn't that she hadn't had a good time, but it had been such a different experience than anything she'd done before. They'd talked for a few hours over dinner and dessert, sharing things about themselves. As a junior at Penn State, it seemed to Emily like Samara already had her life plans in order, her future mapped out. She'd been studying Business and Political Science and was scheduled to take the LSAT over the summer so that she'd be ready to apply for law school in the fall. She hoped to go to the east coast for school and had already began readying her application.
It was nice getting to know her better and they'd shared a few laughs, but it felt so strange being at the start of something, to not know exactly how to act or what to say or how someone would think of you when you shared who you were. It felt, strangely, like test driving a car, deciding if that other person was what you wanted based on qualities and characteristics, instead of that magical feeling of falling in love.
Maybe this was what dating felt like though. Maybe this is how it happened in the real world. It made sense. It wasn't as though you could fall for someone you didn't know anything about.
As she finished getting dressed into her sweats to sleep, Emily crawled underneath her sheets and closed her eyes as she continued mulling over her date with Samara. Overall, she liked Samara. There wasn't really anything not to like. She was sweet and considerate and flirtatious, and it wasn't as though she wasn't easy on the eyes. Yet, throughout the night, there had been a few awkward moments amidst their conversation. However, Emily told herself that any first date was always a little awkward at times, right? But how was she to know? She'd never been on one. Not really.
At the end of the evening, Samara had walked Emily up to the front door of Brumbaugh where Emily thanked her for the night. After Samara had told Emily what a good time she'd had, Samara had moved closer, lifting her hand to Emily's waist and leaning in. Emily had closed her eyes just as she'd felt Samara's lips press into hers. It had only lasted a few seconds, and Emily wasn't even sure how she was supposed to have felt. It had been soft and nice and sure, it felt good, but it'd felt different too. Emily had only kissed two other girls in her life, so she didn't have much to compare it to, but she always thought you were supposed to feel this humming inside when you kissed someone for the first time, this fire spreading through your body, this spark of electricity. Maybe that wasn't realistic though, maybe that's only after you knew someone well. Maybe you had to love someone to feel that way when you kissed, she thought.
And maybe, Emily told herself, she just had to wait and see if she would fall in love with Samara.