Chapter Five
"Come on, we have no time to lose," the Doctor said to Amy as they ran through the forest.
They had been tracking Rory for quite some time after he had been kidnapped by a shadowy figure wearing a monk's robe and cowl. As they ran through the forest, Amy suddenly grabbed the Doctor's arm when she noticed a large wooden sign nailed to a nearby tree. The Doctor and Amy walked over to it and read the sign.
WARNING:
You may suddenly find yourself in the middle of a flimsy, ill-contrived rip off of something that seems familiar to you. Please don't be alarmed. This is perfectly normal on this planet because sometimes we tend to run out of original ideas.
The Doctor and Amy shared a glance.
"Rip off? What does that mean?" Amy said.
"Dunno but we have no time to puzzle it out now, Rory needs us. Come along, Pond!" the Doctor said before they resumed running.
Meanwhile, in an underground torture chamber deep below an old rotting tree, Rory finally regained consciousness. He tried to get up but found to his horror that he was shirtless and was strapped to a wooden table beside a huge wooden machine that resembled a water wheel. Beside him was an ugly, pudgy albino man wearing a monk's robe. The man was attacking small suction cups to his body and the suction cups had little leather tubes that ran back to the machine. Rory looked at all of this before his gaze settled on the albino man.
"Where am I?" Rory said. "What is this place?"
"You're in the Pit of Despair," the albino said in a raspy voice. "Don't even think…"
He paused and cleared his throat.
"Don't even think of escape," he continued in a clear, British accent, "the walls are far too thick and there's no hope of rescue either. Only the count and myself know how to get in and out."
Rory stared at the man, thinking he'd heard the man's speech before. He stared at the tiny suction cups being applied to his bare skin and then glanced up at the machine behind him. Suddenly, a thought came to him.
"Princess Bride?" he muttered to himself.
"I'm sorry?" the albino said, glancing at him as he attacked a suction cup to his left nipple.
"You're quoting Princess Bride and you're acting it out as well," Rory said.
The albino gave him a blank look for a moment before he shrugged and finished attaching the last of the suction cups to Rory's body.
Meanwhile, Amy and the Doctor were still running through the forest.
"Do you even know where you're going?" Amy yelled to him.
"No. I just prefer to run and get lucky," the Doctor yelled back.
Just then, a Spaniard jumped out from behind a tree. The Doctor and Amy stopped short when he pointed a long rapier at them. He was dressed in a dirty white shirt, tight leather pants and leather boots and he had shoulder length black curly hair and a mustache.
"I am Inigo Montoya," he said to them. "You killed my father, prepare to die!"
"I'm the Doctor and this is Amy Pond and I'm sorry but I'm pretty sure we didn't kill your father, so please don't kill us. We are, however, searching for a friend. Have you seen anyone being kidnapped by a monk lately?"
"I know of the one you seek," Inigo said. "My friend and I were searching for him. We are looking for someone to help us storm the castle."
"Friend?" the Doctor said, looking around.
His eyes widened when a gigantic man stepped out from behind a nearby clump of trees and walked up behind Inigo.
"My friend, Fezzik," Inigo said. "We are searching for the Man in Black. He will help us storm the castle so I can kill the Six Fingered Man."
The Doctor frowned at that.
"Why does all this sound familiar?" the Doctor said.
"Because it is," Amy said, stepping in front of him. "We're looking for the Pit of Despair. Can you take us to it?"
"Indeed we can, milday," Inigo said, bowing to her. "Follow us."
The Doctor gave Amy an odd look and she shrugged.
"It's Princess Bride, Doctor, I've seen the film hundreds of times," Amy said.
A look of recognition dawned on the Doctor's face. He pointed back behind him.
"The sign. That's what it meant. We're in the middle of a flimsy rip off of Princess Bride," he said.
"Yup," Amy said. "And the monk is the albino man that works for the Six Fingered Man and I'm betting that Rory is now hooked up to the…"
"The Machine," the Doctor finished. "Come on, Pond, really no time to lose then. Inigo, lead the way!"
Inigo and Fezzik led them through the forest. But a few minutes later, the Doctor and Amy stopped running and froze when they suddenly heard Rory's anguished scream echoing through the woods.
"Wait, they can't kill him this fast. They just kidnapped him, where's the slow torture?" the Doctor said.
"Shut up and come on!" Amy said, grabbing the lapel of his jacket. "Where's the tree?" she said to Inigo. "We have to get inside!"
Inigo and Fezzik led them to the tree. Just as they reached it, a door swung open in the trunk and everyone quickly darted behind the trees as the Albino came out, cradling Rory's body in his arms.
"I'm sorry," the albino man said to Rory's dead body. "I was demonstrating the machine and went too far. I'll have to take you to Miracle Max and revive you before the master returns."
The Doctor signaled everyone to stay still while the Albino dumped Rory's corpse into a nearby wheelbarrow. They watched while he wheeled Rory off through the woods and then the Doctor nodded to everyone to follow him as he followed the Albino. They kept their distance, keeping in sight but keeping to the trees while they listened to the Albino muttering to himself about how stupid he was to turn it up full blast while doing a demonstration.
"So, that means Rory's mostly dead then?" Amy muttered to the Doctor as they walked.
"Apparently so, which means we have to get the miracle pill from Miracle Max."
"And you think that'll work?" Amy said to him.
The Doctor shrugged.
"Rory's come back from the dead before," he said to her. "Why should this time be any different?"
They all stopped when the Albino stopped outside a large wooden house. The wooden door had a small window in it. Underneath was a small sign that read, Miracle Max, miracles for sale. The Doctor waited till the Albino turned his back and knocked on the door. Then he ran up and making a fist, slammed it down hard on the top of the Albino's head. The Albino grunted and fell to a heap at the Doctor's feet. The Doctor gazed down at the unconscious man and then smiled when the window in the door was opened up and an old grizzled man stared out at him.
"What?" the man said, glaring at him.
"Hi, we need a miracle," the Doctor said with a charming smile. "My friend here has snuffed it and we need to bring him back to life."
"I'm busy," the man said. "Come again some other time."
The Doctor stopped the little door with his open palm when the man tried to close the window.
"I'll make it worth your while," the Doctor said to him.
The man pulled the door back and glared at him. Then he opened up the door and stared down at Rory in the wheelbarrow.
"This is the man you need me to make a miracle for?" he asked the Doctor.
"Yes. We need him alive, Miracle Max, can you do it?" the Doctor said.
Miracle Max looked down at the Albino.
"Well, what about him?" he asked the Doctor.
"He is not important and he is unconscious and Fezzik, find somewhere to put him, will you? He's blocking the door. Inigo, go with him so you can defend him in case the albino man wakes up, yeah?"
Fezzik was shocked when the Doctor gave him an order. He looked to Inigo to see if he should carry it out and Inigo nodded. Fezzik shrugged, hoisted the Albino up over his shoulder and walked off into the woods with Inigo following behind. Max stared at him with wide eyes.
"He's huge," Max said to the Doctor.
"Yes, he is," the Doctor said. "Now, about our friend here, can you do it?"
"Perhaps, but I'm busy. I don't give my cures out to just anyone," Max said, folding his arms over his chest. "What's so important that he has to be brought back to life?"
"He's my friend," the Doctor said, annoyed.
"So? Lots of dead people are people's friends," Max said with a shrug. "Why should he be brought back when other people's friends have to die."
"Because if you don't bring him back, you'll be lying in the grave with him," the Doctor said.
"You don't scare me, I've heard tons of threats like that in my lifetime and I'm still here," Max said smugly.
"Then ask him what he wants," Amy said, anxious to get it over with so Rory could come back to life. "Use your bellows and ask him yourself."
Max sighed.
"Fine, fine, come inside. Leave the wheelbarrow out here though, it's cluttered in here," he said to them.
The Doctor picked Rory up and they went inside. Inside the wooden house, a fire was burning in the fireplace while different herbs and grasses hung from the ceiling. On a wooden table near the fireplace were several colored glass bottles and a large black leather bound book. On an iron hook in the fireplace a cauldron had been hung over the fire and something was bubbling inside it. The Doctor laid Rory's body on the table, carefully missing the bottles and book while Max retrieved the bellows that were resting beside the fireplace. Amy opened her husband's mouth and Max put the tip of the bellows inside the mouth. Amy glanced at the Doctor and they shared a look as Max began to pump air inside him. He pumped ten times and then took the bellows away.
"Hey," Max screamed in Rory's ear after he put the bellows away, "what's so important? Whatcha got here that's worth living for?"
He pushed on Rory's chest and they heard Rory's voice as the air came back out of his mouth.
"Truuuuuuuue looooooove."
Amy was shocked when she heard Rory saying that.
"Okay, so he's either listening in and knows this is the Princess Bride or he really meant that," Amy said to the Doctor.
"Yes and see, true love," the Doctor said to Max. "He wants to be here with his wife, isn't that good enough?"
"Perhaps and that is a good reason, but he didn't say that," Max said.
"Let me guess," the Doctor said. "He said to blave which means to bluff, am I right?"
"No, he said boobies. Must have a tit fetish," Max said.
"He did not say boobies," Amy said. "He said, true love."
"No, he said booooooobeeeeeees, I heard it," Max said. "And I have to admit you have a nice set of jugs but that's not a good reason to bring him back."
"Okay, how about this?"Amy said. "If you bring him back, he'll kill Prince Humperdinck."
She smirked when Max froze and stared down at Rory.
"I bring him back to life, Humperdinck suffers?" Max said, giving Amy a wary look.
"He'll make the sod scream and scream and scream some more," Amy said, knowing she had Max right where she wanted him.
"Okay, it's a deal!" Max said. "One miracle pill for one dead body of the prince."
"Deal," Amy said with a shrug.
Max let out a gleeful laugh as he opened a door in the back of the room and left.
"Pays to watch Princess Bride," Amy said to the Doctor.
While they waited, they heard an argument beyond the closed door. Max was arguing with a screechy voiced female.
"I'm assuming that's the wife then?" the Doctor said to Amy
The door flew open and Max stomped inside in a huff. He slammed the door shut behind him.
"Crazy hag," Max muttered while he walked over to the table with a large chocolate covered pill in his hand. "I can do what I want. You're not the boss of me! Anyway," he said to the Doctor and Amy, "this is the miracle pill. The reason why it's stick is…"
"Chocolate coating makes it go down faster," the Doctor said.
Max narrowed his eyes at him.
"How'd you know? Are you a spy? What has my wife been telling you? Are you sleeping with her? Not that I care if you boink the old hag but is she telling you secrets about my work or…"
"Never mind," Amy said, snatching the pill from his hand.
Before anyone could stop her, she opened Rory's mouth and put it inside. She closed his mouth and breathed a sigh of relief when Rory's eyes shot open.
"What's going on? Where am I?" Rory said, his eyes looking around the room.
"Explain later, for now, we have to get back to the TARD…I mean, we have to go kill the prince," the Doctor said, picking him up. "Anyway, thanks, Max. Nice knowing you and…hope your miracle pill prospers."
"Wait, I can't move my body, is that normal?" Rory said as the Doctor and Amy rushed to the door. "Where's the creepy albino man? Why do I feel like I'm in Princess Bride?"
The Doctor and Amy didn't answer him. Amy opened the door and they hurried out. Max snorted when Amy slammed the door behind them.
"Weirdos," he muttered to himself before shaking his head and heading to the back door.