A/N: Once again, I do not own Twilight...this is only my take on what may have happened. Please review, I will respond to them...I like them.. they are crack for the soul! To all those who have added my little story to your faves...thanks! Please review... ENJOY!

Broken

I could only stare at Bella in helplessness; I was at war within myself. I wanted to go and comfort her, but was scared to do so. I did not trust myself to be close to her. How in the hell did this all happen? I tried to replay it in my mind, but I was lacking any comprehension. The sound of Jasper's frantic snarls drew me from my reverie and I placed myself in a defensive position in front of Bella. He would have to get through me to get her.

Somewhere through all the chaos, I heard Carlisle's calm, soothing voice take over. "Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside." With pleasure! It was only time before this happened. Rosalie's thoughts were hitting me in the gut.

I so got this, Edward. No worries. I would owe Emmett, for everything he did tonight. Jumping into action, Emmett kept a firm grasp on Jasper, "Come on, Jasper." He pulled him outside and into the forest that butted up to the back of the house. I was faintly aware of hearing them run into the forest. Good riddance I thought bitterly. Glancing around the room, I saw the sorrowful expression on Esme's face. She held her hand in front of her face, trying not to breathe and losing her struggle of civility.

"I'm so sorry, Bella." She gasped with whatever air she had left and ran outside to join the others. Edward, tell her how sorry I am. I feel so ashamed. I would never hurt her. I hope you both understand. The pleading tone in her thoughts was another stab to my gut.

Carlisle came up to me slowly, seeing I was still holding a defensive crouch, "Let me by Edward." I nodded slowly and relaxed only slightly as he walked by. He knelt by Bella and began his assessment of the wound. Jealously ripped through me as I saw the careful ease in which he touched Bella. More pain tore through me as I wished I could do the same. Alice walked in handing him a towel, "Here Carlisle." Why didn't I think of that? I seemed to be a few steps behind everyone else.

Carlisle shook his head, "Too much glass in the wound." I watched as he ripped a thin strip of tablecloth and wrap it around Bella's arm to stem the flow of blood. I envied his ability to be so close to her, to be her hero. I wanted to be her hero; instead I was nothing more than a pathetic creature, struggling to keep from killing her.

"Bella, do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?" Carlisle asked her softly.

I knew her answer before she spoke, "Here, please." She did not want to draw any attention and going to the hospital would do just that.

"I'll get your bag," offered Alice. I knew she needed clean air, she was struggling as well. I can handle this Edward, I am ok. I am real worried about Jasper, but I know he'll need a few minutes to compose himself. I could care less about Jasper at this minute; I was more concerned about Bella and doing what I could to help her. But unsure what that would be.

"Let's take her to the kitchen table," Carlisle looked at me expectantly. If it's too much for you Edward, I can take her. I shook my head slightly and I picked Bella up in my arms. I was surprised that I felt no joy in her closeness. Fear, worry, guilt and loathing were jumbled in my brain.

Ever the doctor Carlisle monitored Bella closely, "How are you doing, Bella." I realized I had yet to say one word to her since I heedlessly threw her across the room. I knew that Bella would have noticed by now. I just didn't trust myself to use what little air I had in my lungs.

"I'm fine," she replied in a steady and calm voice. I knew that the smell and sight of blood makes her faint, so I was worried that she would pass out soon. There was much more blood tonight than when she did blood typing in biology months ago. Like that day, I also held her away from my body, and then it was to keep her from feeling my coldness. Now it was because I did not want her blood too close to me. The monster in me rejoiced a little more.

Alice was already waiting for us as I gently sat her by the table. I stared at Carlisle as he was prepping a syringe with lidocaine to numb her arm, before he began to remove the multitude of glass shards.

With a sigh Bella addressed me, "Just go, Edward." She missed nothing. Seeing my expression through Alice's eyes, I could see why she was trying to give me an out.

"I can handle it." I was irritated that she was putting me first, yet again. It wasn't enough that I was completely responsible for what she was going through, but she had to play the martyr and worry about me. I was disgusted with myself. I did not deserve her, and tonight was proof yet again. I should have learned my lesson in Arizona.

"You don't need to be a hero," she insisted. "Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Go get some fresh air." She was right; I didn't need to be the hero, because I was far from one. I was a monster that should never exist. I was causing pain to the one person I loved more than anything. I wanted to scream with the fury raging inside.

I watched her grimace as Carlisle administered the medication. The urge to comfort her, to smooth the crease that placed its self between her eyes, was crushing. She should not be in pain, of any kind. There was no way I was leaving her, I could fight this tooth and nail if I had to; she deserved that. "I'll stay."

"Why are you being so masochistic?" she questioned me. Did she not want me there or was she really concerned for my welfare? Maybe I was not hiding the longing I had for the blood drying on her arm. Maybe she was finally scared of me. My heart ached at that thought. I guess it was to be expected, I had been waiting for it for so long. But that selfish part of me did not want to believe that, it wanted to hold on to the notion that she cared for me and that is why she was being so insistent.

Before I could make any sense of the war inside my head and heart, Carlisle interjected, "Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now." Edward, there is no shame in leaving and getting some air. Bella understands, and is only trying to help you.

"Yes, go find Jasper," she pleaded.

"You might as well do something useful," chimed Alice. I shot her a loathing stare. She was not helping at all. She will be fine, Carlisle will stitch her up quickly. I hated that they were ganging up on me, but I couldn't last much longer, I had no air left in my lungs. I nodded to Carlisle and left in a blur out the back door.

I made it as far as a few steps before I sank down on the cool grass and gasped for air. Letting the night air cool the burn in my throat and settle my chaotic thoughts. Soon, I heard Alice as she left: it had become too much for her as well. Sorry, Edward, I tried. I am going to find Jasper, want to come? I shook my head, I was in no mood to see or talk to Jasper. He's really sorry Edward, he would never hurt Bella. He loves her like a sister. I made no move to indicate I heard her. I just stared at the sky, waiting for her to leave.

I could hear Bella and Carlisle talking but I did want to eavesdrop, it seemed intrusive for some reason. To give them some privacy, I ran a ways into the forest. I did not go far in case Bella needed me, but just enough so that I could no longer hear Carlisle's thoughts. For the first time since I laid eyes on Bella, I had no desire to watch her through another's eyes.

Fury coursed within my body as I shook in anger. How could this of happened; why did it all go so wrong? I knew the answer; it was because I once again put Bella in danger by being in her life. I had let the selfish part of me who craved her attention, her warmth, override the reality of who I was and the inherent danger that posed to Bella. The duality in me waged a ferocious battle; the selfish versus reality. I did not know if I had it in me to fight anymore.

Knowing that it would not take Carlisle too long to sew Bella up and that she would be worried and anxious until I returned, I headed back to the house. I walked slowly, taking in huge gulps of air, trying to clear the memory of the scent of her blood. I knew it was useless, but I tried in vain anyways.

As I got closer to home, I caught part of what Carlisle and Bella were talking about. Curiosity got the best of me and I found myself stopping to listen and watch her through Carlisle.

"By all accounts, we're dammed regardless. But, I hope, maybe foolishly, that we'll get some measure of credit for trying." This was a subject Carlisle and I had discussed often. No matter what my father said, nothing could convince me that I had a soul or that any of us did. Therefore, we would be forbidden from heaven if we should ever die.

"I don't think that's foolish," mumbled Bella. She really thought so highly of us all, it was a wasted effort. "And I don't think anyone would, either."

"Actually, you're the very first one to agree with me."

"The rest of them don't feel the same?" I knew she was thinking of me; it was written clear across her face. How she could believe that I deserved heaven after I no longer existed, I have no idea. I just knew she was wrong. There was nothing for me after.

She really does believe the best in all of us. We are lucky to have her in our lives; she gives us a dream to strive for. I was surprised by Carlisle's thoughts. I never knew he felt that Bella was a benefit to us all. I heard how he felt she changed me, but never how she may have changed us all.

"Edward's with me up to a point. God and heaven exist…and so does hell. But he doesn't believe there is an afterlife for our kind." I saw as he looked out the window, I knew he could see me. "You see, he thinks we've lost our souls." He was right. I was a soulless being, and that condemned me to something akin to hell, not the beauty of heaven. Heaven is reserved for people like Bella, pure, warm, and giving.

As Carlisle turned to face Bella again, I saw the gears in her head trying to figure something out. Her brow was furrowed and she had that far away look. "That's the real problem, isn't it? That's why he's being so difficult about me." I thought she could hear that in every word I ever spoke to her. Maybe I wasn't as transparent as I thought. I could not be the one responsible for taking her soul, which would be the ultimate selfish act.

I was pulled out of my musing as Carlisle answered, slowly. "I look at my…son. His strength, his goodness, the brightness that shines out of him- and it only fuels that hope, that faith, more than ever. How could there not be more for one such as Edward?"

I felt uneas;, Carlisle always thought more of me than I was and could ever be capable of. Hearing him give me praise that I did not warrant, it made my stomach turn. I could see Bella nod her head in absolute agreement. I did not deserve her adoration either, especially after tonight.

Carlisle continued, oblivious to Bella, "But if I believed as he does…If you believed as he did. Could you take away his soul?" He stared at Bella and I felt myself wishing she would understand why I did not want her to become like me.

I could see that whatever reply on the tip of her tongue was stopped short at Carlisle's question. I could almost hear her thoughts say her soul was something she would gladly give to be changed. She could not understand the consequences of giving away her soul willingly. I still struggled with what I was, and I had no choice.

"You see the problem." Carlisle smiled at her, hoping he got through to her. He knew how much it pained me to think of Bella as a vampire.

But Carlisle did not know how stubborn Bella could be when she had her mind made up. No matter what argument was brought up, it could not sway her from what she wanted. It was one of the few things that annoyed me. I watched as she shook her head vehemently.

"It's my choice." Ah, there is my little tiger kitten, stubborn, beautiful, and pure Bella.

"It's his, too." He held up his hand to stop her response. "Whether he is responsible for doing that to you."

"Thank you, Carlisle," I whispered, hoping he heard.

"He's not the only one able to do it." Suddenly I became alarmed; I never anticipated that she would go and ask Carlisle. Of course, leave it to Bella to go down the list of vampires she knew, begging them to transform her. I almost ran in the room to convince Carlisle not to give in to her when he laughed.

"Oh, no! You're going to have to work this out with him." I almost collapsed from relief at his words. I turned to walk away, needing to collect my tangled thoughts.

I sat on the boulder near the river that ran through the back of our property. I had spent many sunrises here, when I first met Bella, thinking and mulling over everything. How could I not see that she would ask Carlisle to change her? Was it because I was too focused on keeping her human, that I missed the obvious? She had heard enough of our stories to know that Carlisle was more than capable of changing her.

In all my conversations with Carlisle about our souls, or lack of them, and Bella's insistence in losing hers I never secured his promise not to do it if she came to him. I would be eternally grateful that he denied Bella her backhanded request.

A sudden fear gripped my entire being, fear of Bella stopping at nothing to get what she wanted, to be turned into a monster. I could not let that happen. I did not know how, but I had to find a way to make sure that did not happen. The anger I felt earlier, came back. It shouldn't be like this, it was all wrong, so very wrong and I needed to make it right. I had a small suspicion of what I had to do, but it brought such an ache to my body. I tried to push it aside, but I could not erase it completely. I needed to get through the rest of this horrible night before I made any decisions.

I walked back into the house just as Carlisle offered to drive Bella home. I kept my face smooth, calm. I did not want Bella to see how disgusted I was at how everything turned out.

"I'll do that."

A quick emotion flitted across her face, anxiety maybe. It happened so fast, I was not able to get a clear read. "Carlisle can take me," she breathed.

Was she still trying to make this night easier for me? That thought only added to the simmering anger I was reining in. She looked down at herself, finally seeing how she was covered in blood and bright pink frosting.

"I'm fine. You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something." I left quickly to find my sister. I knew Bella could tell I was not right. My voice and demeanor was all wrong, but looking at her all broken and bloodied, I could not bring myself to put up a false front.

Alice was coming in through the kitchen as I headed out to find her. I am on I;, one blue shirt. No worries, Charlie will never notice. What are you thinking, Edward? Things are muddled up. Don't do…

"Leave it alone Alice, I am in no mood. I just want to get her home." Staring at her, I was daring her to keep pushing. I wanted to fight and if she wasn't careful, she could be my target. She glared back and walked in front of me towards Bella.

I watched as she followed Alice up the stairs. Turning towards Carlisle once she was out of sight, I tried to speak. My mouth opened, but I couldn't say what was on my mind, for it was becoming a tangled web all over again. Through Carlisle I could see the confusion and pain etched in my face. I was at a loss, I felt adrift.

It will be ok Edward. She is fine, she will be ok. Please do not be rash about this. Angered flared within me at his attempts to comfort me. It was not the place or the time; there was nothing comforting about any of this.

"There is nothing fine about this Carlisle." I replayed in my head how I threw Bella across the room, into the table and plates. I could hear the snarls and snapping of Jasper as he fought me to get to Bella. "I am the one who threw her into the table and caused her to slice up her arm. I insisted she come to this ridiculous party, when I knew she did not want to come. Please, do not try to make me feel better."

Carlisle's thoughts were silent as I walked away from him. Somehow, I needed to get a grip on my emotions. To be flying off the handle was not helping matters. I was only hurting those I loved, when it should be me who was hurting.

At the front door I waited for Bella; I needed to get out of here before I exploded. Soon Bella came down the stairs towards me. Her expression looked cautious and deliberate. I wondered if she was in more pain than she let on, that would be typical of Bella. She concentrated on my face, searching for what was going on inside me. There would be no chance that she missed my lack of happy expression. Try as I might, I could not fake that everything was okay.

Alice glanced at the presents that had been scattered earlier and ran to scoop them up. "Take your things." She handed them off to Bella who took them in her good arm. "You can thank me later, when you've opened them."

Take care of her Edward, enjoy the rest of her birthday. You will see that everything will be ok in the morning. I did not share Alice's optimism, so once again I did not acknowledge that I heard her.

By this time, both of my parents had gathered to say goodbye to Bella and give her more birthday wishes. Please don't worry Edward, everything will be ok. Don't do anything you will regret out of fear and anger. I knew Esme was concerned, but I was growing more irritated by the second. I tried to block Carlisle's thoughts; I knew I would end up feeling guilty. I was wholly unsuccessful. Son, I know you heard part of my conversation with Bella. I think she understands you better than you realize. Also, I promise that I will not change her, without you knowing.

I thanked Carlisle so low Bella would not hear. His words brought me a very small measure of relief. I did need to worry about Bella going to Carlisle asking to be changed. I did wonder why he felt Bella understood me. I did not have time to ponder as Bella was quickly walking to her truck.

I opened the passenger door, knowing that driving would be hard with her arm. She scrambled in quickly. The sound of her ripping the red ribbon Emmett had placed on her stereo echoed as I entered the driver's side, she kicked it under the seat. I wondered if she was angry at what had happened to her or at me. There would be no blame if her anger was directed towards me, it was justified.

We did not talk as I drove. I tried to push the truck past its capabilities. The desire to get her home soon was my first priority. Then maybe I could get some clarity to my jumbled thoughts. My anger, which had been simmering, began to bubble forth. With no conversation to occupy my mind, I was unable to stop a replay of tonight's events.

A/N: Ok..I know that was short..but a longer chapter does await! Please review...I like reading them! A HUGE shout out to my betas: CullenandSwan1993 and PisceanPal23..you ladies rock! Also to Dino, Wendy & Sarah...thannks for everything!