A/N: I do not own Twilight...ohh how I wish I did! Here it is.. the newest chapter! Enjoy! Oh, you may want to grab some kleenex. Thanks to my Betas- PisceanPal23 & CullenandSwan1993- you ladies rock!
The War Within
The irony wasn't lost on me. Here I was, a mere twenty-four hours removed from last night when I stared into the inky silence and let the happy moments from the past few months re-play. It was an endless loop of laughter, love, warmth, of being in Bella's presence. Now, here I lay and it's an endless loop of the night's wretched events.
Try as I might, the images came with no relief: Bella being flung into the table, the sounds of Jasper as he struggled to get past me; the pull of the monster within me when the smell of her blood reached me. The pleading look on Bella's face as she struggled to understand what happened. It was my worst nightmare come to life. Because of the loathsome creature that I was, I put Bella's life in danger. My selfish need to be close to her, to love her was almost the reason for her death.
It all really came down to my selfish desires. So many months ago, as I sat in this room, I finally admitted that I was selfish for wanting her. But there was nothing I could do; I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame. She consumed my every thought, breath, word, and action. Now, months later that feeling was intensified to unbearable heights. My whole body craved her when I was not with her. The feel of her lips left me wanting more. The careful lines that I drew to keep her safe were constantly being blurred.
Do I have the strength or even the resolve to do what is right? Would this be the time that I finally stopped being so damned selfish? In Arizona she tried to get me to promise her that I would not leave her. However I could only confess that I was not strong enough to stay away from her. Even a few months earlier than that, during our first lunch after the incident in Port Angeles, we debated who cared for whom the most. She felt that I did not care as strongly for her as she did me. She said it was because she wasn't trying to say goodbye. Her perception was spot on. I tried to explain that if I could make myself leave, it proved I cared the most. I would hurt myself to keep her safe.
That's what it keeps coming down to, what price I would be willing to pay to keep Bella safe. Tonight, the price for her being in my life was nearly her death. What is her life worth to me? All along I have been telling Bella that her staying human is my priority. She deserved a long full life. Would she get that if I stayed in her life? How long would it be before another catastrophe happened and she was fatally wounded?
I repressed a shudder as images of Bella's broken body flew through my mind. There would be no doubt what I would do. Especially if Bella was hanging on between life and death, I would do the unspeakable; I would beg Carlisle to save her. I could not live without her and to have the chance to keep her with me forever, I was overjoyed and disheartened all at once.
Frustratingly, I found myself back at my original dilemma. I needed Bella to stay human; I could not allow her to be placed in a position of danger, at least if I could prevent it. The choice was obvious, but it caused me such inner turmoil. How would I ever be able to do it? I would have to inflict pain on Bella to make it work. But even that thought caused a spasm of pain to arc through me. Somehow I knew I needed to find the strength. Bella's life depended on it.
Just then, Bella snuggled closer and sighed. Even in her sleep she was comforted by my presence. Gently, I rubbed soothing circles on her back. Unconsciously I buried my face in her hair, inhaling deeply. The fire burned down my throat to the empty pit of my gut. I wanted this, to burn, to feel the pain. Even though it was all metaphorical, I wanted to burn my heart to ashes; suddenly I had no more use for it.
Trailing kisses in her hair, her cheek, her jaw line, the soft slope of her shoulder, I found my will beginning to crumble. This was much harder than I thought. Forcing the image of Bella bleeding in the forefront of my brain, I finally pulled away.
"I love you Bella. I am so sorry." Slowly, I untangled Bella from me and covered her back up. Leaping from the window I looked back up into her room.
"Edward," she sighed into her dreams. "Don't go." In that instant my entire being shattered into a thousand pieces. My insides resembled fractured glass, a spider web of broken fragments. The force of the pain stole my breath away. Try as I may to breathe, I could only manage shallow gasps. My body shuddered with the attempt to hold the agony inside.
I took a shaky step forward and Bella whimpered. Even while asleep, she knew what I was doing. I would never be able to do right by her. Anger erupted throughout my body, fast, hot and furious. The urge to scream and howl at the injustice of it all engulfed me. I welcomed it; I used it to propel me into action. Step by step, I walked away from Bella, from the only love I had ever known.
I should have expected it, but I was too wrapped up in my anger and pain to think much beyond it. Slowly, I was retreating within myself, working hard to keep everything else out. That's the only reason why I never heard her furious thoughts until she flung them at me.
You're leaving! Even in her mind her trilling voice was almost shrieking.
I was in no mood for her; she had no idea, no clue about anything. She lived in a perfect world. I hated her immensely for it.
"Did you say anything to them?" No way was I going to explain myself to her.
"Answer my question, Edward. Are you leaving?" She punctuated every word of her question. Her eyes were narrowed into little slits, anger emanated off her.
"I don't know, Alice. Why don't you tell me what you saw? That's why you're out here. You already know. So let's stop playing these games." I glared at her. The tension and fury had to be radiating out of my every pore.
Her body shook with indignation. "I am not playing anything, Edward. I don't know what you're planning on doing. The future is fuzzy, you have not committed to whatever decision you're weighing. That's why I am here. To make sure you don't make the wrong one."
"The wrong one? For who? You? Me? Bella? All I have made in the last few months are wrong choices. It has done nothing but bring misery and grief and suffering to everyone." Words were flowing fast and frantic. I could no longer keep them bottled up.
"I have been selfish far too long Alice. It's time I faced the facts. If leaving is what it takes to make sure she suffers no longer, I will do it. She deserves so much more than what I can give her." We stared each other down, almost daring the other to make a move. This would be one show-down I would win.
"Stop being such a martyr. It's rather pathetic." Alice would not back down; her anger pushed her like it pushed me. Even her thoughts were angry; she threw words and pictures at me so fast, I did not bother to pay attention. It was all meaningless anyhow.
"I'm pathetic? What about you? Are you so willing to over look what happened tonight just so you could have a friend?" It was a low blow and I knew it. All Alice has ever wanted was Bella to be a part of this family. Next to me, she loved Bella immensely. But I was lashing out, transferring my anger and hurt. It could no longer be contained inside me, it was far too great.
Alice's face fell, misery etched clearly in her features. "That's not fair Edward and you know it. I love her, we all do. We would never do anything to hurt her. We all want to protect her." My eyebrows arched at that last statement. I made to rebuke her when she added quickly, "Jasper feels horrible, weak. He can't believe what he almost did." Her voice ended on a whisper, a plea for me to understand.
Images of her finding Jasper in the woods invaded my mind. The look of pure horror was written all over it. His body shook with tearless sobs. I had never seen Jasper cry. He was sitting on his heels rocking back and forth, pounding the earth in frustration. Alice silently wrapped her thin arms around him and held him close. She looked like a mother soothing a frightened child.
Alice, I am so sorry, I wouldn't… I...what did I do? His lips moved but no words were coming out; he could not express his sorrow with mere words.
Shh, I know. It's ok. She is ok. It will be ok. Bella doesn't blame you. She made sure that I would tell you that.
I couldn't watch. I closed my mind to the images and glared at Alice. This wasn't about Jasper and his pain and regret. It was about right and wrong. For the first time I was going to do the right thing. Even if that meant I had to destroy my sister's spirit.
"You love her? No, you only think you love her." My words were slow, calculated and cold. Alice had no clue, no concept of the damage we had done, could do to Bella. "Well I have news for you Alice, it's nothing. It's not even close to the love I feel. I love her with all that I am, with every fiber of my being. It is because I love her that I have to do this. For once, think of someone besides yourself. I am." There was no mistaking the bite in my tone. I meant every word.
Needing to get out of here before I did or said something more I would regret later, I began to walk away, but Alice gripped my arm and spun me around. It was such an automatic move, that there was no way I could have avoided it or her vicious expression.
"How dare you! You're being an ignorant jerk." Her amber eyes burrowed into mine, and fury made her quiver slightly. "To think that you are the only one who is suffering; to believe that you get to make all these choices for everyone else around you. You think you know what's best. Well, you're wrong. You don't know anything" Her emotions passed too quickly on her face for me to process them, and I really did not have the strength to do so. I just wanted to get away from her. She did not understand what it took for me to get where I was, and I was not going to explain. The longer I stood defending my choice the more I feared I would find a way out of it.
"I know that I am giving Bella the best chance at life. To go to college, find a real person to love," my gut twisted painfully at the thought of Bella with someone else. "She will be able to get married, have kids, grow old and when her time is up, find peace in heaven. If I stay, that won't happen, she will die too soon. There are too many ways for her to get hurt." Wanting her to feel the full force of my next question, I made sure my eyes captured hers.
"If you truly love her, do you not want what is absolutely best for her? To make sure she has the best possible life?" The hand that was holding me in place dropped suddenly.
Even though Alice's thoughts were a cloud of emotions, I could sense she wanted to debate this with me. She hoped she could talk me out of this, help me find reason. It was useless; I knew what needed to happen.
"It's not up for discussion anymore; we are leaving, the sooner the better. There is nothing more to say." Before she could even respond I ran past her in a rush of wind and moving tree branches. Hearing that she was not that far behind me, I pushed myself to run my fastest. I needed to get to Carlisle before she did. The house came into view and I raced up the steps of the porch and into the front room.
Alice, not one to let another get the last word, she screamed out as she ran into our yard, "No, we are not leaving! Edward, this is crazy! You're being a fool!"
Hearing this sudden outburst, my entire family sped into the living room, confusion and puzzlement evident on all their faces. Alice strode up to me ignoring the rest, rage furrowing her features. "You may get to make stupid decisions for yourself, but you do not get to tell everyone else what to do. It doesn't work that way, it never has and you know it."
She was right, big decisions like the one to leave a place were always made as a family, each getting a chance to air their opinions and thoughts. But this time, I was circumventing it all, in order for things to be made right, no one could stay behind. Whatever it took, I would make sure we all left Bella to the life she should have.
Alice stood in front of me, arms crossed and her golden eyes narrowed. Her thoughts were smug; she felt she backed me into a corner. But I held an ace, one that would guarantee we would all be leaving. However, this was not the place to play it. It would be between Carlisle and I. She would know what was happening as soon as Carlisle agreed.
The thoughts of those around us bombarded my brain. Try as I might, I could no longer keep them out.
They look so upset, maybe I should step in. I worry they will get hurt. As usual Esme only worried about us getting hurt. She did not realize it was too late for me. I felt shattered inside.
What's got Edward all pissed now? Knowing him, it's some trivial matter to do with Bella. But Alice said something about leaving. There is no way we are, I am not ready to move. Rosalie's self-centered thoughts were nearly my undoing. If it wasn't for Emmett standing next to her, I would have sent her flying into the kitchen.
Whoa, Edward and Alice going at it, now this is something different. It's got to be about Bella. Emmett is much more perceptive than we ever give him credit for.
Although Jasper's thoughts were calm, he looked ready to spring to Alice's defense in a second if I made a move towards her. Part of me wished he would make a move; it would give me a reason to tear into him. I was not ready to offer my forgiveness or hear his apologies. Carlisle kept looking between Alice and I, he was putting the pieces together faster than anyone else in the room. It wouldn't be too long before he intervened.
The silence in the room was thick with tension and heightened emotions. My skin felt itchy and tight all at the same time. Chaotic emotions bubbled through me. One second all I wanted to rage against all that was happening, then later the urge to sink into a ball and shut down would take over. Violence and loathing, sadness, grief and guilt raced inside, I felt adrift and I just wanted to drown.
Ever so slow, Carlisle stepped closer and moved in between Alice and me, as we were continuing to glare at each other. It was a stalemate and both of us were stubborn enough to not give in. A gentle hand was placed on my arm and leading me out of the room. He guided me outside and without talking, we ran into the forest and over the river bank.
In compatible silence we ran. Neither of us led, we just ran side by side with no destination in mind. The normal joy that accompanies my runs was absent. Everything was muted; sounds, colors, smells; it was comforting and disconcerting all at the same time. Maybe if I could just turn it all off, to become numb, I could survive. I held fast to that thought, it was my life preserver.
We reached an outcrop of rock that over looked the rest of the range. In a fluid synchronicity, we sat down and looked out at the view before us. The crescent moon hung high in the sky, giving the rocks a silvery glow. The tips of the pines and trees were aglow. Pulling my knees up, I wrapped my arms around them. For the first time since my transformation, I felt tired. There was nothing left of me to give.
Carlisle sat with me. He never questioned, out loud or in his thoughts. He focused on the view before him and amazed at the beauty of nature. In our many years together, he learned that I would talk when I was ready. Problem was, to say the words to him, the ones that would set everything into motion, would make it all final. There would be no turning back. It was petty of me to stall, delay what I knew was right.
Taking a deep breath, I began, "Do you remember, about eight months ago, we went hunting together? It was after my first day back from Denali." Of course he would remember, perfect vampire memory and all. It was childish of me to start this way, but if he could figure it all out, without me having to say the words, maybe it won't hurt so much.
"Yes," he said simply. Again, his thoughts betrayed nothing; his mind was calm and blank. He was going to make me say it. Somewhere I looked into myself, I needed to find the strength. If I thought this was hard, when I finally had to tell Bella...
I couldn't complete the thought, my chest felt tight, like it was being crushed. I pulled my arms tighter around my legs, like I was keeping myself from falling apart. A few deep slow breaths did nothing to dispel the sensation. My eyes must have been frantic, for Carlisle put his arms around my curled up body and held me close.
Please talk to me Edward. I can't help you if I don't know what is wrong. He rubbed soothing circles on my back. It took a few moments before I realized I was crying choking tearless sobs that trembled through my body. Gently, Carlisle hummed one of his favorite hymns as he comforted me. It was the perfect balm for my nerves. I summoned what nerve I had left and poured everything out.
"On that day, you said I only had to ask, and we would all go. Well, I am asking, no, I am telling you, we all need to go. I can't have Bella living in danger anymore. Every day that she is with me, she is living on the edge. What Jasper did, it was only what I expected. I am a monster, one that constantly craves her blood." I untangled my limbs from Carlisle and the ball I was in and began to pace the small outcrop. Now that I had started, I had to get it all out, like a confession.
"I want her to live a long healthy, human life. With me, with us in her life, I am afraid that will not happen. If leaving will give her that chance, I need to do it, for her. She is the most important person in my life and I will do anything to keep her safe." Looking at Carlisle, I pleaded for him to understand.
If she stayed human, you know that she would eventually die, right? Carlisle felt silly asking the question. But he did not understand what I would do when she died.
"Yes," I whispered. "Then, I will find a way to follow her as soon as I could. If she no longer existed, there is no reason for me to continue on. I'd rather live out of her life to give her the chance at a life, then stay in it and have it cut too short." I was staring out at the vast wilderness, lost in my own thoughts, pondering my own final death.
Edward, you can't be serious, can you? Why take such drastic measures? What happened tonight was a mistake, a horrible mistake. But you were able to protect her. You kept her safe from Jasper. You have always been able to keep her safe. Carlisle's thoughts were frantic. He did not want to lose me.
Anger flared deep inside, he just didn't understand. "That's the problem, Carlisle. Ever since I decided I wanted her, needed her in my life, she has been in danger; danger from me, from James, from my very family. I can't have her live like that, I won't. She deserves so much more than I can give her. Please, I need to do this. I have been selfish when it comes to her far too long. I am going to do the right thing." The wall of rock next to me had no chance as I punched it in frustration. It felt as if no one understood the dire circumstances Bella was in if I stayed in her life.
I don't understand Edward. Are you saying that you are leaving because you love her too much to stay in her life? Where does that leave you? You have been forever altered by the love you share with Bella. Can you walk away from that?
Leave it to Carlisle to go straight for the heart of the matter. He wanted to know if I was strong enough to leave her, when so many times in the previous months I was not. I debated with myself and always found a reason to stay, because I am selfish. Even now, the thought of some other man in her life made me sick. But none of that mattered anymore.
Shaking my head, I tried to help him understand. "I am afraid, Carlisle, very afraid. If I stay in her life, there is no certainty she will live a long life, that by my very existence, her life could be cut short. All I have ever wanted was to stay in her life, for however long that was, sixty, seventy, even eighty years or more. Now, with all that has and could happen to her, what if I don't get those years, Carlisle? I could not live with that, not knowing I could have done something to save her." My breathing was ragged, pleading and desperation hung in the air between us. The desire to have one person who understood how I felt was crushing. If Carlisle could not understand, I did not think anyone else would.
Without any warning, Carlisle thought of Bella, pale skin, marble hard with red gleaming eyes. But, Alice she saw this, even though you don't want it to happen. Yet, it would allow you to be Bella forever. I get to have you longer. I don't want to lose you. Plus, Bella wants this life. She wants you, forever. That Carlisle would contemplate that it was ok to take Bella's soul, so as to not lose me, made me cringe.
"I will not take her soul away. I can't, I will not do that. It is the most ultimate selfish act I could ever do." Conviction echoed in my every word. I did not have Carlisle's endless faith in this world, in an afterlife for our kind, in our souls. We debated this issue countless times in the century we had been together. Neither of us was able to sway the other. So we politely agreed to disagree. That's why Carlisle could change Esme; he did not feel he was damning her soul.
Carlisle held up his hands in a gesture of understanding. I see that this is what you think is right. But I will have my say. I think this is too rash of a decision. I fear there will be ramifications that you have yet to think about. If you need us to leave, we will. I did promise you that, and I will honor it. But I beg you to give your choice very serious consideration. What would your leaving do to Bella?
His soft amber eyes looked deep into me. He watched as his words sunk in. Maybe this was rash, but the obligation I had to Bella and her safety took priority. The only ramifications would be to me, I would feel pain, of that I was sure. Carlisle was right in that I have been deeply altered by Bella's love. There would be no one else for me. I hoped that Bella would be able to move on, quickly. It was the least that she deserved.
"Thank you. I have given it much thought, just not tonight, but every day that I have been with Bella. This is what I need to do." All Carlisle could do was nod. He sensed there was going to be no more discussion. Let's get back. We need to tell the rest. We both took off into the inky forest and headed home.
Although telling the rest would not be easy, having Carlisle give me his word that we would go, gave me some courage to face my family. Out all of them, Alice would be the one who would protest the loudest. She really did love Bella, I have always known that. Like me, she loved Bella before she was really a part of our lives. Carlisle would let her air her opinions, but when it came down to it, we would go.
As expected, they were all waiting for us as we entered the house. Esme went to Carlisle and they embraced. They stared at each other; the silent communication between two perfectly matched lovers needed no words. Esme's shoulders slumped as she saw what would happen. Carlisle gathered her into his arms and kissed her hair. His hands rubbed soothing circles on her back.
"This is a colossal mistake, Carlisle. He is over reacting." Leave it to Alice to break the silence and get to the point.
The others chimed in both verbally and in their mind as they finally pieced together that we were leaving. I winced as the noise washed over me. My mind was already so fragile, that I could not contain it all. I fell into the couch that was closest and hung my head in my hands. It was useless, but I needed to block it all out. I couldn't take much more.
Above the din, Carlisle's calm voice reached us all. "We are leaving. I promised Edward that if he needed us to leave, we would. No questions asked." His gaze fell on each of my siblings one by one. I watched through his eyes. Rosalie was smug, Emmett was surprised and disappointed. Alice was pissed and sad; Jasper was focused on Alice, trying to comfort her. He had no opinion on the matter, he went where she went. Esme was concerned, Carlisle was supportive.
"Where will we go?" Esme was always so practical. She gazed at me and whispered, "When did you want us to be gone?" I saw that it pained Esme to leave this house; it was her favorite place to live. Guilt for taking her away from this washed over me, but I pushed it aside, now was not the time or place.
"As soon as we can. I plan to stay behind, talk to Bella. Tie up the loose ends." Knowing it had to be said, I turned towards Alice. I wiped all emotion off my face as I laid down a few final demands. "I think it would be better if I said good bye for you, Alice. It will be easier that way. Lastly, don't be looking for her future, either. We've done enough damage."
Giving her no room for discussion, I left. Needing to get the voices out of my head, I ran until I heard nothing but silence. The quiet pressed all around me, enveloped me and gave me little comfort. The solitude gave me a chance to bolster my courage and strength to do what I needed to. What I had to go through with my family was nothing compared to the turmoil of saying good bye to Bella. Just thinking about it made my insides churn and a lead weight fall into my gut.
How was I going to do it? What would I have to say? I would need to convince her that I no longer loved her. That would be the only way to leave her and give her a clean slate on life, a chance for her to start fresh in her life. But Bella knew how much I loved her, I told her every second I could and it was in everything I ever did. How do I begin to unravel myself from her life, from her love? It seemed impossible, and the effort needed to do it just might crush me.
Slowly I walked towards Bella's house; there were still pretenses that I needed to keep up. Until I could find the time that was right, I need to act as if nothing has changed.
I scaled the outside of her house and climbed silently into her room. The scent of her hit me full force, the fire roared within me. Sitting in her rocking chair I watched her sleep. With her scent swirling all around me and the absolute beauty of her sleeping form, I nearly began rationalizing ways to stay. No, I could not stay, I silently scolded myself; I was a danger that did not need to be in her life.
The urge to cry was crushing, grief like I had never felt before came in waves and waves. There was no way I could leave her, I was not strong enough to do it, and I needed her too much. Panic and anxiety collided inside me, the sheer weight of it all chipped away at my shattered being. Curling back into the ball, I rocked gently in her chair. The fear, panic and anxiety took control and I let myself drown.
The faint rays of morning shook me from my reverie. Bella would soon wake and I needed to pull myself together. Knowing that my seconds were numbered, I just gazed at her. Memorizing everything about her, cataloguing her features, they would be the images I relied upon later.
There was the slight part of her lips as she slept, the way her chestnut tresses fell in a mess around her face, t he gentle curve of her collar bone and her shoulder. The lusciousness of her lips, the pearly color of her skin. Breathing deeply, I took her scent in, freesia, strawberries and lavender, all uniquely Bella. The fire and burning of my throat, the scorching heat it caused as it made me burn. My body hummed with her scent; passion, joy, love all combined in a deliciously painful explosion inside me. This is what I would take with me, these were my memories of her, imprinting upon my brain and psyche.
Soon enough Bella started to move and slowly come into consciousness. I schooled my features to be blank, revealing nothing. Slowly her eyes opened and I committed them my memory, the warm depths of her eyes. They are the windows of her who she was; a gateway to her soul. Before she could examine me too closely, I broke eye contact. She did not say a word, just merely gazed at me. She searched for something, trying to look intently into my eyes. Anxiety flooded her expression. She was worried about me. The pain of this knowledge did not help; it only reaffirmed how difficult of a job I had to do.
Like I had done countless days before, I kissed her before I left to change for school. Being a Cullen I was meticulous in keeping up the routine, and even though I knew so much had changed, the time had not come for me to say goodbye.
Back at home, there was much that had changed. Esme had begun preparing the house for storage. Paintings were taken down, the décor and trinkets removed. My siblings were up in their rooms also making moving preparations. In my room, someone had already begun to pack my music and books. A few days worth of clothes were left on my couch. I picked one to change into and then went to find Carlisle. He was in his study, sorting through his vast book collection; poetry, medical journals, history, art and science. The bareness of this room struck a chord of sadness. Not having the mental fortitude to deal with such an emotion, I pushed it aside.
"Do we have a plan yet?" Part of me hoped that he would say no, which in turn would give me even more precious time with Bella. But it was a wasted dream, for we were all too good at packing up and walking away.
"Yes. We are going to the house outside Vancouver. From there we will work out a larger plan. I spoke to the hospital and told them that I received an offer from Los Angeles and was not able to pass up such an opportunity." Perfect, Los Angeles was the last place that a family of vampires would go. Bella would see through it in an instance. But the effect was the same; it would be a dead end for her. Eliminating her ability to try and track us down.
Our house in Vancouver was a staging place. We rarely stayed there for very long, using it primarily as a stopping place until a more comprehensive strategy could be set into motion. From Carlisle's thoughts I knew that it had not been rented out in the last six months. He contacted the property manager and informed him that we would be coming for a brief stay. The story was that Carlisle was looking into turning it into a private medical office and wanted to get the feel for the place.
Once there, we could decide where we wanted to go and set up our new lives. I cared nothing for the actual plans. All I wanted was for us to leave Forks. The rest was inconsequential. The things of importance to me I would be leaving behind. I had nothing to look forward to.
"How soon will you all leave?"
"We are trying for tomorrow. With only four of us doing the work, it may take us a bit longer to get things done." His words surprised me, but the thoughts shocked me, as he replayed what happened after I left.
Jasper felt responsible for my decision to leave Bella and Forks. Although he knew I would not change my mind about leaving, he felt he needed to get away. The shame he felt for almost killing Bella was too much to deal with. Add in the heighted emotions of everyone else, and Jasper was drowning in a sea of crushing emotions. He could no longer be around us, and he decided to leave. Alice, already heartbroken and grieving the loss of Bella, went with him. The last Carlisle had heard Alice was trying to convince Jasper to go to Denali.
"I did not mean to chase everyone away. I am only doing what I think is right." Shame colored my voice. I was making a major mess of things and I could see no way to make it right.
"We all understand. Jasper needed time to come to grips with his actions. He feels weak and that is a hard emotion for him to handle. I am sure they will meet up with us in Vancouver. He just needed a few days of space and peace." There was no condemnation in his voice, only compassion and unwavering support. I did not deserve it; I was letting him down.
There was nothing I could say, so I left and went to school to wait for Bella. It was hard to stay composed, the sights at home threw me off balance and I had nothing to help me regain my footing. When Bella finally arrived at school, I knew my face was not as composed as it was earlier this morning and she noticed. Opening her truck door, she searched my face. I did not know what she found.
"How do you feel?" It felt like the only safe thing to ask. Too many other questions would lead us into a slippery slope, and I was not prepared to go there, for now.
"Perfect." She replied, but the cringe on her face gave her lie away. Should I question her further? Take her to see Carlisle? The desire care for her was instinctual. But, if I took her home, she would see what was happening and I did not want her to find out that way.
Ever so slowly, we walked to our class. The mood around her was pensive and hesitant. I expected that she would want to talk, to question me. Her silence was maddening and a relief. I still had no clue what I would say, when and where. Was there ever a perfect time to say goodbye to the love of your life?
We continued like this throughout the morning. Quiet, slowly, anxious. The war between my selfishness and what was the right thing to do was constant. I was afraid of the emotions that may have been playing across my face. In my peripheral vision, I watched her and the emotions that passed across her face. Concern, anxiety, confusion, pain were the more common ones.
We seemed stiff, awkward around each other. I hated it and understood the necessity of it. We rarely talked, but what would we say to each other? I couldn't tell her how I loved her, not knowing that I would be leaving, it seemed cruel. So the only thing safe to talk about was her arm, that grim reminder of why I had to leave her. I asked her several times during the day how it was. She always replied in monosyllabic answers. I fought the urge to probe deeper and really make sure she was ok. The silence around us was deafening. I never wanted the ability to read her mind more than right now. Not knowing how she was feeling and what she was thinking, it was maddening. I needed to prepare to tell her tonight.
As we walked into the lunch room, Bella began to scan the room. She was looking for Alice, I was certain. Of course, she would want to talk to her friend about last night. She knew Alice would tell her whatever she wanted to know. I made the right call in keeping Alice from Bella; it would be easier for them both this way. Even after we had sat down, her eyes never stopped searching for Alice. I anticipated her question when her search was fruitless.
"Where's Alice?" Anxiety was clearly evident in her eyes. A spasm of guilt racked my body. I was stupid for thinking that this was going to be easy, that Bella would not notice every little thing that was different.
My eyes never left the granola bar I was reducing to dust, "She's with Jasper." Keeping it as close to the truth was a priority. Too soon a multitude of lies would have to be uttered; I wanted to give her as much truth for as long as I could.
"Is he ok?" Her obvious concern for my brother, even after all that had happened would have made me smile. Instead, today it was only more proof of how hard it would be for me to remove my family's presence from Bella.
"He's gone away for a while." Soon it will be me as well; I kept the frown from showing on my face.
"What? Where?"
Honestly, I did not care. I had not found the desire to talk to Jasper, much less forgive him for what happened. Shrugging, I answered simply, 'Nowhere in particular."
"And Alice, too," the desolate sound in her voice made me ache. Desire to wrap my arms around her and kiss the pain away was sharp. How could I even think to walk away from this amazing creature? Anger flared, but I beat it back, I deserved all this pain and more, it was my punishment for being in her life for too long.
"Yes," I choked out. "She'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali."
Her shoulders drooped and her head fell forward. My access to her eyes was cut off, but I knew this pose well. She was feeling guilty, for no reason. She had done nothing wrong. All she ever did was love me, love my whole family. Not once did she condemn us for who we are, or show fear. She was trusting, warm and open. It was more than I could have ever dreamed was possible.
Feeling at a loss for words, I asked the only thing I had said to her all day long, "Is your arm bothering you?" I was such a coward.
"Who cares about my stupid arm?" Her anger was endearing. I let the tone of my tiger kitten burn into my memory.
Eventually, the day ended. All I wanted to do was escape. My fragile insides were a mess. The shattered pieces were slowly falling away, leaving holes. Like every other day, I walked her to her truck. The silence must have been too much for Bella, she had questions and she wanted answers.
"You'll come over later tonight?" She tried to keep the hope out of her voice, but it was there. She was worried that I would not be there. Confusion set in on my part; why did she not want me to come over now? What did she need to do before I arrived?
Unable to figure it out, I inquired, "Later?"
For a fraction of a second, pleasure spread across her features, but she quickly wiped it away. What was that about, what was pleasing?
"I have to work. I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off."
Vague recollections of Alice making such an arrangement for her party came into focus. It all seemed as if happened a million years ago than thirty six hours ago. "Oh," was all I could say.
"So, you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?" Uncertainty made her face pucker. My hand twitched as it ached to smooth it out.
"If you want me to." I was sure my abysmal behavior today was cause enough her to want me to stay away. Perhaps it was that thought that made what she said next so surprising.
"I always want you." Her deep chocolate eyes bored into me, the love and conviction was as clear as day. That simple phrase said so much on so many levels, and I wanted to cry. She was not making this easy on me. It would be so simple if she would push me way, tell me that she hated me. Instead, I get her unconditional love. She looked at me expectantly.
"All right, then." Kissing her forehead, I left her and walked to my car. If I was human, I would not have been able to stop the tears from falling. Instead, I had to work hard to keep my shoulders from shaking; I did not want her to see me crumbling.
A/N: Sad, isn't it? Please tell me what you thought.. all you have to do is click that little button. Please? For me?