Where Are You Love?
Why can't I find you?
by: SamiJane
Disclaimer: See Author's Bio
A/N: Thank You everyone for your kind words and patience!! With a lot of waiting, patience, praying, and medical help, my family is going to be better. I was really scared for a while, but now I'm happy things are calming down. Thank you to Alex for posting my A/N a couple weeks ago.
Huge thank you's for the reviews for Chapter Ten. I appreciate them so much and am happy at the reception of the last chapter and everything Brooke said. I'll start up shout outs again in the next chapter.
As for this chapter, it's mostly just a filler chapter – people's thoughts the morning after. Some of it is a recap of everything, so sorry if that drags on. Chapter 12 will have more stuff, promise.
Also, the four scenes after Brooke's POV are supposed to flow like an OTH episode – someone asks a question at the end of one scene, and then in the next scene, another character answers the question. You'll see what I mean when you read it.
So, enough rambling; here is chapter eleven and I hope all you wonderful readers enjoy this! And I hope each of you enjoy the New Year with your loved ones!
Chapter 11: The Morning After Call
Brooke's POV; Brooke's house
I welcome the steam and the droplets. I welcome the swirls of water that swish between my perfectly manicured toes; I breathe deeply and welcome it all.
After a long and poignant night involving a number of emotional surprises, both good and not so good, I allow all the characteristics of a soothing shower to envelop my senses. Rather than focus on the possible stresses of the upcoming day, or week even, I focus on the water cascading gently down my back, like a personal, miniature waterfall. But waterfalls only last so long and in a few minutes, my porcelain skin will start to prune and wrinkle if I don't step out of my steamy sanctuary soon.
My hazel eyes stare at the girl gazing back at me through the silver glass. Physically, it's still me, 5'4" auburn haired Brooke Davis. But inside…inside is a Brooke Davis that I'm not quite sure I know completely anymore. Maybe it's because the scared, vulnerable part of me that inhabited Tree Hill the past couple months is phasing away.
"Maybe you can blend the two Brooke's together and have really awesome Brooke," Nathan's words from yesterday morning echo in my mind. God, I hope that's true. I hope that through all of this, I will come out stronger, and in Nathan's words, "really awesome."
Peyton, Lucas, and I have had our share of ups, downs, and our own versions of hell. But last night…oh god, last night really took the cake. I didn't expect all of those words to come tumbling out of my mouth. I didn't expect all the emotions to flood from my being and crash onto a shore of declaration – a declaration to take a break from one fifteen year and one six year friendship.
To say that I don't feel guilty for anything I said or did last night would be a lie. Of course I feel guilty. Peyton and Lucas are two of my best friends, two of my oldest friends. But I can't regret what I said; I don't regret what I said. Maybe I would take back an explicative or two, but that's about it.
All the emotions that I had bottled up inside, they were bound to burst out sooner or later. And now that the cap has been snapped off, my heart feels like it's been saved from being inexplicably squashed from a ten ton weight. This morning feels weird. It's not often that relief and guilt are coupled together at the same time. Damn, I really didn't expect last night to happen the way it did. And I sure as hell didn't expect Julian to be…well…I didn't expect him to be there.
All of his words, every minute of last night ticks and tocks its way back into my mind, reeling me into my brain's own montage version of what occurred after Lucas idiotically punched him on Naley's front yard.
"You have to turn around and go back."
"I do know that you're scared…I also know what happens when you keep everything locked away inside of you. You don't want that, Brooke."
"…None of it was your fault."
"Just because we bust each other's chops 24/7 doesn't mean I haven't been paying attention."
"We can make up a code word, or a signal, whatever. And I'll jump in right then and there."
"I've only been here two months, and even I can see there's a difference, Lucas."
"Brooke asked me to; why do you think I'm still standing here?"
A different Julian Baker made himself known last night and I was shocked to be on the receiving end of his care and concern. Not only because it's Julian – snarky, sometimes arrogant, pokes fun at my lack of video games skills Julian – it's because I've had few people stand up for me before. I'm used to doing things on my own, standing up for myself alone, and looking out for myself…alone. And then Julian stepped up, like a gallant gentleman who knew just what to say and knew just when to intervene.
Talk about major-ly surprising.
As I stare back at my now fully dressed self, I brush my short hair and smirk as the end of last night replays in my mind. Even after witnessing the Peyton-Brooke fortress of friendship crack and nearly fall over, Julian still wasn't afraid or uncomfortable to be there for me like a friend should.
"I can play guard dog on your couch tonight, if you want. Well, not really guard dog…but you know, company or whatever," he suggested after a quiet drive back to his hotel. I chuckled with a shake of my head and just asked to give him a thank you hug.
The hug was a brief, one armed sort of thing. But it was ok. We were in a car; the hug was going to be somewhat awkward.
Not to mention, I'm just now figuring out how I feel about having a close relationship with Julian. Technically, our "business and nothing else" contract had officially been broken since our first breakfast together – the breakfast after the notorious water fight.
I've been fine with that. Our sort of like/dislike friendship thing the past couple weeks has been entertaining. But this past week, my heart and head have also been arguing with each other.
"Stupid Jack; stupid Julian," seems to ring a bell.
"You'll be fine. You're Brooke Davis," Julian smirked before he exited my car.
Damn it, Julian, you really know how to reel a girl further in, don't you?
My hazel orbs are now locked onto the producer's name and number staring brightly back at me via my cell phone. Should I or shouldn't I? Should I? I shake my head; I shouldn't.
"One conversation doesn't change anything."
Those were my words. Those are my words. But even though one conversation doesn't change anything, sometimes one night can. The Peyton and Lucas fiasco is a prime example of that fact.
A few thumb clicks downward and if I want to, I will hear Haley's voice on the phone. A few seconds of swift dialing and I can here Tutor Mom's soothing words of support. A few seconds of swift dialing and I can here Nathan's words of encouragement…if I want to. I could even hear Mouth's voice, or Millie's, Deb's, or even Rachel's voice if I want to. If I want to…
My eyelids close, my lungs swell and hold in a deep breath, and my thumb chooses one name from my unreasonably long and extensive phone number list. My cochlea listens intently…one agonizingly long ring…a second ring…a third…
"Brooke?"
Lucas' POV; Leyton house
The house is eerily quiet…too quiet, quite possibly because Brooke's booming voice scared the hell out of everything in the stupid house and my stupid heart. I sigh as I hear Peyton stir from the bedroom. I imagine her reaching out for me, expecting to feel warmth rather than a haphazard mess of the wrinkled sheets left behind a mere half hour ago.
"Lucas?" I hear her shout out; I don't answer, but merely look at the kitchen clock. 8:28 a.m.; it's been only six hours…or rather six hours and forty some minutes since the shocking last act of Brooke's emotional outpour. Six hours…really? It feels more like six minutes because the shock still resides within. Peyton's chords call out my name once more and I know I have to say something or else she'll think I'm avoiding her and closing myself up.
"Kitchen," I reply, the exhaustion evident in the strain and hoarseness of my voice. Whoever commented that sleep is a chance to escape reality for a few hours is dead wrong. Even my subconscious wanted to strap me down to the spears of hurt and hopelessness I had been feeling since Brooke walked out the front door.
I lean on the table and rest my head on upset, balled fists. God, what is supposed to happen now? Maybe I should call Brooke and apologize once more. Or maybe I should ask Nathan and Haley for their opinions. They probably already know what happened by now. They've probably known how Brooke has felt for a while, hence their standing up for Brooke last night, standing up for Brooke and Julian. Julian. Damn it. He's like an annoying rash that won't go away.
I stare blankly at the cell phone resting innocently on the counter; I have to talk to someone, Haley specifically. She's the one I have been running to for answers since we were eight. But, I shouldn't ask her what to do, because I know she's not going to give me a simple answer. Besides, I have to figure it out for myself. That's what she would tell me anyway - the whole "Think about it, Luke," "Look in your heart," kind of thing.
Ok, heart…what the hell do you think…or want to do? I release a deep breath and stretch as I think it all over. My eyes casually land on a picture sitting on the mantle across the room, a picture of me, Brooke, and Jamie, godparents and godson. God, Jamie. There's that to deal with, too. When did I screw everything up? I sigh as my eyes focus on Brooke's dimpled, glowing smile.
The corner of my eye catches Peyton as she enters the kitchen; she looks just as messed up as I feel. She sighs sympathetically, "What are you doing awake already?"
Haley's POV; Naley house
"Couldn't sleep," I drowsily reply to Nathan as he enters the kitchen. If I wasn't so tired, my heart would flutter crazily out of my chest at the sight of my shirtless husband. God, he's hot.
Shaking my head into reality, I slowly ingest the warmth of tea into my system, hoping to find a sense of serenity. After everything that happened last night with Jamie, Brooke, Julian, Lucas, and Peyton, my head found it hard to drift off into dream world last night. So, after hours of tossing and turning, I finally decided to get up and begin the day earlier than I intended to.
"Keller's snoring?" Nathan asks me as he opts for black coffee rather than the chamomile goodness I am consuming. Keller's snoring…I wish that was the reason for why I'm awake early this somewhat fine morning. Oh Chris Keller…Only for Brooke and Jamie would Nathan and I allow the likes of Chris Keller to sleep in our guest bedroom.
"His snoring was peaceful compared to all the thoughts running through my mind last night," I answer in a defeated tone. I sigh as my eyes rest on the silent phone. The one time that a sound, peaceful sleep escapes me, the piercing ring of a phone, cell or "tele," fails to interrupt the night.
Last night, I thought that at least Lucas would call and try to apologize again. And I hoped that Brooke would call as well; but there was nothing all night and so far, all morning. Granted, the morning just started.
"Yeah; I know what you mean," Nathan concurs as he takes a seat next to me. My fingers rhythmically tap on the counter as I try my best to contain myself from calling Lucas or Brooke. I know that they have to contact us on their own terms and time. Ugh. I hate waiting.
I relax into my husband's stretched out arm that rests around my shoulders. With a few words, Nathan tries to reassure me that our friends will be able to work everything out somehow. I want so badly to believe him.
"It's just…" I pause as I try not to be disloyal to either Brooke or Lucas. "There's Brooke on one side," I think out loud with a motion of my hands, "and then Lucas on the other side. And, well basically, I'm –"
Julian's POV; a hotel
"'Torn'," I answer over the phone, "'Torn' by what's their face -" I tap my index finger continuously on my temple, as if the motion would assist my memory. "Ednaswap," I announce with an enthusiastic snap of my fingers. Good song actually, even before it was pop-ified back in '97.
Brooke had called me ten minutes earlier, asking for a distraction from the quiet of the early morning and the vague whispers of an emotional aftermath. Lying half naked in my hotel bed, I don't hesitate to be the friend, or in this case the diversion, that Brooke needs at the moment. Part of the reason is because I want to know why she decided to call me first thing in the morning.
Even though I didn't want to be that guy when I first arrived in Tree Hill, I can no longer avoid being that guy now. I was the one who got the ball rolling on this thing in the first place; I was the one that told her to turn around. I can't just walk away now. Although, it kind of sucks that it all ended the way it did. Well, it doesn't suck for me, but for Brooke…yeah, for Brooke it sort of sucks. I know what it's like to "take a break" from a friendship.
"I thought 'Torn' was by the Australian girl…Natalie Imbruglia?" Brooke asks me from her end of the line. How we started talking about music escapes me at the moment. But the topic is doing its job; it's distracting her from the craziness of last night.
"Ednaswap; look it up," I correct Brooke as I stretch out of the comfortable queen sized bed. It's a good thing it's Saturday; it would suck to go into the office and work with Lucas.
"And that is a song on your life's soundtrack?" Brooke asks, somewhat amused. I imagine her giving me her signature raised eyebrow, dimpled smirk. Hmmm, I wonder how many of those I've gotten in the past week alone.
"That's one of the songs, one of the depressing ones, but 'Sexy Back' is on the J Baker soundtrack too; so it all evens out," I playfully remark.
"Sorry to break it to you, Jack, but I was at 'Sexy' long before you were," my ear listens to her claim as my lips upturn into an amused grin. I don't doubt that for a second.
"Are you admitting you're the 'dirty babe' in my song, Davis?" I tease.
"Are you admitting you're my 'shackled slave,' Baker?" Brooke retorts with the same amount of playful repartee.
"Do you want me to be?" I ask with a low, seducing tone.
"Eww; please don't tell me you like a good ass whipping, Jack," she laughs. I want to laugh, too, but I restrain myself as I continue the banter.
"Depends on who's holding the whip, Penny D," I nonchalantly respond with a grin. I hear her laugh and mumble another "Eww gross!" at my comment.
Her laughing alone tells me that despite everything that happened, Brooke Davis is going to be ok. It might take some time, a lot or a little is up to her; but, she'll be ok.
"Ok can we please change the topic back to what it was five minutes ago?" Brooke requests. Even though we're communicating via cell phone, I can hear her smile. "What songs do you think someone would find on the lovely B Davis soundtrack?" she asks, "aside from JT's promiscuous single, of course."
What songs? Hmm, she set herself up for this one now.
Lucas' POV; Leyton house
"Colorblind," Peyton repeats the title of the Counting Crows song playing on the radio, "eerily appropriate."
"I didn't even notice," I deadpan as I realize the lyrics could basically describe how Brooke has been feeling the past few months. I continue to trace invisible circles on the surface of the counter top as I think some more about the best time to talk to Brooke. Maybe I should wait till tomorrow; we all could use a day off from everything.
"We should probably do some unpacking today. Maybe it will help us relax a little bit," Peyton suggests into empty, thin air.
"Yeah, maybe," I blankly agree. I probably should put more effort into this conversation, but my mind is running amok.
Peyton and I have just sort of finished discussing what happened last night. I say "sort of" because I know none of this is going to be finished for a while. One conclusion we both agree upon is that we each need to talk to Brooke one on one – that is, once she lets us. And one conclusion I come up with is that I've been an asshole. I have Brooke, Sam, and last night's dreams, to thank for pointing that out to me.
As I think about what I could possibly say to Brooke to make some of this turn out ok, Peyton's last few words from our discussion continue to ring in my head.
"Life's too short to live it as a bad person," she quotes herself from junior year of high school, "How did we forget that?"
If I knew the answer to that question, I don't think we'd be sitting in uncomfortable, upsetting silence right now.
"I tried calling Haley and Nathan," Peyton tries to break the silence again, "They wouldn't pick up."
"I don't blame them," I reply as I play with my cell phone now. My feared assumptions about Haley and Nathan not wanting anything to do with us are now ringing true by the sheer fact that they won't answer Peyton's calls. I don't even want anything to do with us right now. I stare up again at the picture of me and Brooke hugging Jamie.
"Are you thinking about calling Brooke?" Peyton reads my mind. She knows me too well. She's also trying to break me out of my silent reverie again. And again, I don't answer her. I don't have to, because she already knows what I'm thinking.
Sam's POV; Naley home
"Maybe," Chris answers me as we quietly check on Jamie. I wonder what time the little shorty is going to wake up. "If I can nuke them in the microwave, then yes," Chris finishes his answer. I grin and roll my eyes at his reply about whether or not he knows how to make scrambled eggs.
About five minutes ago, we both figured we should try to make breakfast for Nathan, Haley, and Brooke – for when she comes to pick us up. Chris and I both witnessed portions of last night and boy do we feel bad for everything that happened. And I feel horrible for allowing Jamie to watch that craziness with me. Poor little kid has enough going on in his life, I feel like I just made things worse.
"How about pancakes?" I ask Chris as we head down the stairs; Chris merely shakes his head. His hair looks hilarious without any gel running through it. I go through the list of possible breakfast foods and meals in my head once more. He said 'No,' to all of them. What the hell kind of adult is Chris Keller? Even I knew how to cook pancakes.
"Cereal?" I ask with a raised eyebrow. He had to have put cereal and milk in a bowl before. I watch as he thinks seriously about his answer.
"Depends on the cereal," he answers casually.
"Boiled water?" I deadpan in disbelief as we enter the kitchen. I notice Haley and Nathan abruptly end their conversation about Brooke and Lucas.
Oh yeah! Brooke and Lucas! I caught that part – the whole exes thing. I have to remember to ask Brooke about when the hell she and Lucas were together, and when Peyton and Nathan were together. Hearing all of that sure made me stumble backwards last night, especially when Jamie asked me what it all meant. Luckily for me, at that point, Chris walked in and distracted Jamie for a little bit. But it wasn't long enough, because we all caught the end of the argument – Lucas punching Julian.
"Yes…wait…," Chris thinks about whether or not he can do the mundane, simple task of boiling water. "I can make Eggos," he comes to the conclusion that that's the only breakfast food he knows how to successfully make.
"Toaster waffles?" I laugh as I accept a newly poured cup of orange juice from Haley. Well, this is weird – sleeping over a teacher's house and eating breakfast with her family. Talk about a first for any student.
"They're called Eggos and they're the breakfast of champions," Chris attempts to make the toaster waffles sound cool and worth making for breakfast. Haley and I simultaneously roll our eyes. She whispers to me something about how she regrets introducing Chris to Eggos when they were on tour together.
"Wheaties are the breakfast of champions, Keller," Nathan corrects Chris from his seat.
"Athletes have Wheaties. Rock stars have Eggos," Chris informs the three of us as he scans through Nathan and Haley's refrigerator. Well, since he has the fridge, I might as well look through the pantry.
"Do rock stars and teenagers normally wake up before 9am on a Saturday morning?" Haley inquires, trying to figure out why the two of us are awake before noon on a weekend.
"Yeah, what are you two doing?" Nathan questions with a raised brow as Chris takes out random items from the fridge. Meanwhile, I come up with a box of pancake mix and a bottle of syrup.
"Making some breakfast. Dude, your fridge is so much more loaded than the one on my tour bus!" Chris exclaims when he finds three boxes of Eggo waffles. His eyes are gleaming like a kid in a candy store. I can't help but grin and roll my eyes once more.
"We said you could sleep for one night, not eat our food," Nathan reprimands as he swipes the boxes of waffles away from Chris.
"Hey, leggo my Eggo!"
As the three of us laugh at Chris, I can't help but think that Brooke should be here. I'm used to laughing with her at Chris and Julian. I hope she's ok.
Chris' POV; Naley kitchen
"Can I at least have my waffle back before we go into serious talk mode?" I ask Haley after she issues Sam off to go check on Jamie one more time. It's a stupid reason to get the kid to leave, but I'm guessing Hales wants us to have an "adult" conversation about last night. And sure enough, I'm right because she asks me if I caught anything that went on.
"You mean the Spastastic Four?" I ask as I place some waffles in their toaster. Even their toaster is awesome; I can toast four waffles at a time! Wait, maybe if I squish them together, I can toast eight of them at once. But, I can't focus on my waffles for much longer because Hales keeps asking me what I heard.
"Bits and pieces, but Sammi basically filled me in. She felt guilty about letting Jamie spy with her," I accidentally reveal. "Oh shit. Pretend you didn't hear that."
"It's ok, Chris. She told us before she went to bed last night," Nathan tells me as he takes out my eight squished waffles and makes me toast only four at a time. Judging by their calm demeanor to Sam earlier, I'm guessing they've forgiven her already. Or they're waiting for Brooke to come by and give her a good grounding.
"Oh," I reply, a bit relieved that I didn't accidentally spill a secret, "So, what is this about then?"
"You're the closest thing to an objective opinion we have," Haley replies. Objective? What is she talking about? There is no way I can be objective in all of this.
"Uh…I don't know if you missed this Hales, but Julian is my best friend," I say with a slightly condescending tone.
"I know – but I'm talking about what happened between Brooke, Lucas, and Peyton."
Oh…that stuff. Well that…I didn't really think about any of that last night. Hell, I only saw Julian getting punched like a sucker face. But, after what Sammi told me last night...well, I didn't really think about it that much either; because at that time, I just wanted to sleep. I guess I could think about it now…hmmm…crap, I need to think quicker; I really hate it when the married couple glares at me like that.
"Well, I know Goldie a lot better than the couple formerly known as Brucas…" I start to explain, "But, I'm going to have to side with Brookie Cookie on this one." Even back in high school, she complained about Lucas to me. Well, she was drunk as hell, but she still complained that he went with Rachel on the Fantasy Draft Date and he didn't even bother to call her. So, if Lucas still hasn't learned his lesson about how to treat Brooke, then Brooke would be the one to side with at the moment. She didn't deserve any of that crap.
"We're not talking about sides. We're trying to figure out the best way to approach the situation," Nathan sighs. "Cause you know…Brooke's been the one in pain, but Lucas is –"
"A self absorbed –" Sam returns and interrupts Nathan, but she's quickly silenced by Haley's motherly glare. "Sorry; I won't say it a second time," Sam apologizes, "Your kid sleeps like a log."
"Brooke's been hurting, but Lucas is my brother, who now is hurting," Nathan finishes the thought he had before Sam came back. I guess their dilemma is who do they help first? Or maybe, they're wondering if it's bad that they don't want to help Lucas because they think Brooke needs them more? That is a toughie.
Both Nathan and Hales look expectantly at me, as if I have some sort of answer to solve their family dilemma. When the hell did they respect me enough to talk about this kind of stuff with me? Well, I guess it's a good thing for them that Chris Keller got smarter over the years.
"All three are your family; just be there for each of them and help all three as best you can." I shrug the only answer that came to my mind. Although, I guess that doesn't really answer their question, hence their "No, duh," glaring.
Whatever, I answered their question. It's true, they should just help all three of them; they all need their help. I ignore the silence and stares from Nathan and Haley as I douse my waffles in plenty of syrup. But as I bring a piece of waffle to my mouth, my eyes catch Haley's. Damn it, she really wants me to talk more?
"Ok fine," I place my fork onto my plate and give out a more reasonable opinion, "Last I recall, it's still possible to be a good friend, or in this case a good family member, to someone even though you don't agree with their actions or decisions. It's hard to, but it's still possible. And, in this case, you guys obviously support Brooke because you two have been concerned about her for a while now. So don't be afraid to tell that to Lucas and Goldie. "
I watch as both Nathan and Haley contemplate what I just said. Either they haven't thought about it in that way, or they're surprised that I came up with that answer.
"But, don't be afraid to knock about a hundred pounds of sense into Lucas," I add on, my mouth full of delicious waffles. "And if Lucas doesn't totally wise up, then my fist can find its way into his face."
"You lost to Jamie in arm wrestling last night," Sam interjects. Apparently Nathan and Haley didn't know because they're trying their hardest to keep from laughing out loud.
"No, my right arm lost," I correct her, "I still have my left arm. Granted it's a little ganglier, but it'll do the job." I flex my not so existent muscle for Sam and we laugh at the fact that it's kind of non existent. Yeah, maybe I should listen to Julian and go to the gym more often.
"Speaking of Jamie, do you think he understood us last night?" Haley asks her husband.
"He's a smart kid; and it helps you guys aren't stupid parents. He'll be fine," I answer for Nathan. The two look at me in surprise, again; and contemplate my answer, again. And surprise, surprise, Nathan agrees with me. Well, that's a first.
"Actually, Nate, you're not as smart as Hales," I add in after he concurs with me. Oops, I keep doing that – saying my thoughts out loud. Oh well, can't stop now.
"But considering you still have the wife latched onto you, that's gotta mean something. Props to you dude." I hold up my hand for a high five but he just stares at my hand like it's unworthy to be slapped by the great Nathan Scott. Ok, fine, no high five. At least I still have my waffles. And once Julian gets here, he'll slap me some digits.
"Remind me why we decided to be nice to you," Nathan inquires with crossed arms and raised brows.
"Well, that's where the not so smart part comes in," I explain as I continue to eat my breakfast.
"I have to side with him on that one," Sam agrees with me. Yes! A high five from Sammi girl. I admit it: I'm way too easily entertained. Speaking of entertaining, it's been funny watching Haley stare anxiously at the phone all morning; she looks like she's going to explode if Brooke or Lucas doesn't call her soon. I wonder if now is a good time to tell her that…hmmm, maybe not…I'll let them be clueless for a little while longer.
A/N: Hmmm, what did Chris do? So that's chapter eleven. Sorry if there wasn't much to it and sorry if it was short. Chapter twelve has more stuff in it and more B/Ju/N/H/Ja/C/S.
Oh, and don't think that everything is magically hunky dory ok. I just wanted to give Brulian and Naley (and you readers) a break from the drama, especially since this is originally a comedy story. Leyton, however, will never leave the drama (obviously).
So, please tell me your thoughts about this chapter. I'm not sure if it was confusing or not for you guys. Or maybe it was dragging on? I'm not sure. Also, it's been a long while since I've even looked at, read, edited, or written for any of my stories, so it would be cool to know how this chapter was to read. It'll help me get back on track in the writing department.
You guys are the best! Happy New Year!