A/N: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters...the wonderful Ms. Meyer does! OK, everyone..here it is...the goodbye. Grab your kleenex or favorite teddy bear. A huge shout out to Bethflower..here is the chapter you have been waiting for.. I hope you like it. To CullenandSwan1993 and PisceanPal23...thanks for your help! Reviews are appreciated and responded to!
Saying Goodbye
Once in my car and out of the school parking lot, I hit the acceleration and watched as the tress flew by. I was headed to no particular place, I just wanted to drive. My head was a tangled mess of confusion, hurt and self disgust. My entire body felt ravaged and bruised, my breathing was labored and shallow. Replays of Bella's anxious and fearful face floated in my mind, nothing I did would turn them off.
She was smart; she knew there was something wrong. I would bet everything I owed that she is afraid to start asking questions, for she didn't know the safe ones to ask. That is why my coming over tonight was important; she was hoping to figure out what's going on. Panic flooded my body; I was not ready to say goodbye. A small bark of a laugh escaped me. I would never be ready. There is no way to prepare for what I had to do. I was stalling, I wanted to milk every possible second I could with the time I had left. Once again, I was being selfish.
I drove through the mountains and forest, the road and pines trees just a blur as I streamed past them. Normally going this fast would excite me, but I felt nothing. The world was beginning to lose its luster and appeal. The time on my dash indicated that it was time for me to get to Bella's. I swung a hard u-turn and raced to the only sanctuary I had ever known, just to destroy it.
When I arrived at Bella's she was not there and part of me rejoiced. Charlie was sitting and watching TV. I would use that as a distraction. Charlie answered the door when I knocked and invited me in.
"Bella is not home yet, but you can come in. I just ate pizza, do you want some?" For the first time in quite some time, Charlie's thought were rather benign towards me. The timing of it was just another irony of this whole sordid affair. I'd rather he still harbored a grudge against me; his anger could fuel my own.
"Thanks, Charlie, but I ate before I came over. What game is on?"
"It's only SportsCenter. There isn't a game on tonight." We both walked into the living room, sat down and Charlie instantly became engrossed in breakdown of the days sporting news. I stared at the screen, but didn't comprehend what I was seeing. Scenarios of how I would start the most painful conversation of my long existence played out in my head. I didn't want Charlie present; this was between the two of us. Her room held too many wonderful memories for me to tarnish it with lies and betrayal. I could go outside, into the forest that bordered their yard, but it was getting dark, and I could not leave her in the dark. The selfish part of me rejoiced that I would have to wait another day. The rest of me wanted to scream out in frustration. My pain and guilt intensified deep inside.
It only got worse as I heard Bella's truck as it rounded the corner and drove up to her house. Locking down my emotions, I made my face neutral and impassive. Before she was fully in the door, Bella was calling out in excitement, "Dad? Edward?"
Hearing her eager voice made every nerve ending in my body want to rush to her side and encase her in my arms. Would this instant reaction to her voice, her mere presence ever cease? Charlie answered her quickly, "In here." I heard her taking off her coat and walking into the room. I kept my focus on the moving figures on the TV.
"Hi." Her voice was timid and uncertain. I could feel her survey the room, taking in her father and I. She would find it odd, of that I had no doubt. Normally I was at her side as soon as she was home, not sitting and barely talking.
Again, Charlie saved me from saying anything, "Hey, Bella. We just had cold pizza. I think it's still on the table."
"Okay." She stood in the doorway, watching and staring. I had to say something, I couldn't continue being rude. Putting a slight smile on my face I finally looked at her. Her warm chocolate eyes were wide and questioning. Her body swayed ever so slightly as if she was trying to keep from running to me.
"I'll be right behind you." I turned back to the TV. If I continued to look at her, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from going to her. It was time for me to distance myself from her. By doing so, I hoped it would make it easier on her to move on with her life, to begin living it like she should.
Covertly I watched as she simply looked at me, perplexed by my bizarre actions. For a fleeting moment the panic and anxiety clouded her eyes. But before I could really see if I was right, she fled into the kitchen.
I listened intently to her movements, but she hardly made any. She sat in her chair, but I did not hear her reach for the pizza. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw as she wrapped herself into a ball. Her entire body looked agitated. Her face was puckered, and she was intensely thinking. Emotions darted across her face, too fast for me to fully read them. Curiosity flared and I was drawn to her. Watching her, knowing she was deep in contemplation and not knowing what she was thinking, it was frustrating. But I no longer had the right to know her thoughts or to be involved in her life.
She toyed nervously with her birthday gifts from her parents. The camera held her attention the longest and it made her utter a low chuckle. Without saying a word, she dashed up the stairs and into her room. Both Charlie and I looked up and then at each other. He shrugged and turned back to the TV. Reluctantly I did the same.
I pondered whether I should just leave. I already determined that I would not be able to talk to her tonight, so what was the point in my staying? My strange behavior was noticeable and even though she had said nothing, I knew it bothered her. All I was doing was causing pain to us both. My pain was a fair price to pay, but I did not want Bella to be hurt. Was there any way to do this without hurting her? I was beginning to think that was impossible.
Her steps sounded on the stairs as she made her way back down. She hesitated at the bottom and then I heard the click and saw the flash of her camera. She took a picture of me and Charlie. With intense sadness I realized I would need to get these pictures from her. She could have no reminders of me because I wasn't coming back. If she had pictures, surely it would be harder for her move on. I needed to pay attention to the number of pictures I would have to get rid of.
Charlie and I both looked at her and I saw him frown. Bella's eyes locked on mine and sadness filled her eyes. I had nothing to give her that wouldn't cause her more pain, so I gave her nothing in my expression.
"What are you doing, Bella?" complained Charlie. Why is she taking a picture of me? It was for her and her friends.
Walking over to us, she pasted a smile on her face; it did not match the hurt in her eyes. "Oh, come on." She sank down on the floor in front of her dad and turned her face to him. "You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I'm using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt."
"Why are you taking pictures of me, though?"
"Because you're so handsome. And because, since you bought the camera, you're obligated to be one of my subjects." She was working hard to keep the tone in the room and in her voice light and calm.
"Not if I can help it," mumbled Charlie, but I didn't think Bella heard him.
"Hey, Edward. Take one of me and my dad together." She threw the camera without even looking at me. I caught it easily. But now I wondered why she avoided looking at me.
I framed both of them in the camera viewer. Charlie looked uncomfortable, but Bella, looked sad, confused. The light in her eyes was gone and she did not smile.
"You need to smile, Bella," I reminded her. She tried, but it came out all wrong, I snapped the picture anyway.
"Let me take one of you kids," volunteered Charlie. Better them than me. Gently I tossed the camera to him and Bella came to my side. The heat from her body instantly engulfed me. Her scent swirled around her and the familiar flame burned its way down my throat.
Not sure what to do, I just placed my hand on her shoulder. But, Bella, she went all out. She wrapped her warm arms firmly around my waist. She held on tightly. I wondered if unconsciously she knew what I was going to have to do.
"Smile, Bella," Charlie reminded her. The flash of the camera added another tally to my count.
"Enough pictures for tonight. You don't have to use the whole roll now" declared Charlie. To prove his point he shoved the camera deep in the sofa cushions and sat on it. Twisting suddenly, I freed myself from Bella's grasp and sank into the chair. Bella hesitated slightly before she sat on the floor near the sofa. The look of terror was plain as was the tremor of her hands. She clenched them tightly to her stomach.
We both stared at the show, but neither of us saw it. The need to flee was crushing; I couldn't take seeing her in pain. The whole point of this was to keep her from hurting her and I felt like a failure. When the show ended I suppressed a sigh of relief and stood up, I needed to get out of here.
"I'd better get home."
"See ya," replied Charlie, he never took his eyes off the TV. Like the coward that I was, I did not speak to Bella, I just walked straight to my car. She followed closely. I anticipated what she would ask seconds before she spoke.
"Will you stay?" Her voice told me she already knew what my answer would be.
"Not tonight." If I did, there would be no way I could wrench myself from her. A tiny spasm of pain clouded her face, but she quickly pushed it away. Before I could act on my urge to hug and kiss her pain away, I got into my car and drove away.
Feeling like I needed to add more fuel to my immense guilt and pain, I watched her in my rear view mirror. She was standing still, obvious to the rain that had begun to fall. But that wasn't the worse; it was the look of dejection and fear. Her eyes never left my car. I felt as if I was granted a glimpse into her mind, for I was sure I heard a plea for me to come back.
Frantic, I just drove, once again to no where particular. Emotions flooded me and I was lost; fear, guilt, love, pain, anger, grief. They were so intense I had to grip the steering wheel as a growl erupted. I was unable to contain myself. Giant holes of my entire being were being chipped away and I could not handle it.
Unconsciously I ended back at home and the silence there shocked me. They were gone. They were able to complete the move and they left. Abandonment, pure and raw, made my body shake. Even Carlisle, the one person I could always count on had left me. Realistically I knew where they went and that I would join them. But, I needed them, their support and even their understanding.
Walking into the living room, the nakedness of it all floored me. White sheets covered all the furniture. The pictures and other decorations were gone. Roaming the rest of the house I saw each room was down to its bare essentials. Carlisle's office was missing the paintings of his life; Esme's desk was devoid of blue prints. Alice's room held no patterns or swatches of fabric; the huge chess game that my brothers loved playing was missing as well.
In my room I found a suitcase with several changes of clothes, a few of my favorite CD's and an envelope. Carlisle's elegant script wrote my name on the outside. An irrational fear of opening the letter threatened to overwhelm me. What if he was telling me to stay away, that they could not agree with my decision to leave Bella? For the first time, I truly felt like a child, fearing a punishment from a parent. With my hands shaking I opened the letter. My father's words filled the page and my mind:
Edward,
We finished ahead of schedule and decided to continue on.
We were unsure of how long you would need.
We await your arrival, anxiously.
Please know that we love you and if you need us to come back
for any reason, don't hesitate. We will come, always.
Carlisle
He knew exactly what to say to heal my spirit. Even to the point of giving me an out in my decision. They would come back if I changed my mind. I was not living up to the lofty expectations Carlisle had for me, I always felt as if I fell short. I deserved none of the people who loved me, Bella, Carlisle, Esme, even my siblings. They put up with far too much from me, and even more since Bella came into my life and made it a beautiful chaotic mess.
The silence of the house was deafening and oppressive, I needed to get out. Outside, the cool air blew across my face and I found myself uncertain where to go. For the past six months or more, I spent my nights with Bella. Even now, my feet wanted to automatically take me there; it was engrained in me to go there. Instead, I went to the next best place and took off running.
There was still no joy in my running only desperation to do something, to keep moving. Stillness felt wrong. In a matter of minutes I came to the only safe place I had outside of Bella; the meadow. At night, with barely any light from the moon, it was quiet and dark. Walking into the middle, I sank to the ground and lay down. Memories of the first time I took Bella here came unabated; the look of amazement as I entered the sunlight, the smell of her mixed with flowers, earth and sun, her gently stroking fingertips on my hands and face; our honest declarations of love.
Groaning, I tried to tune them out, but they kept coming, wave after wave. Helpless to do anything, I lost myself in that day, when things were happier and almost easier. We were at ease with each other. Even after my confessions of wanting to harm her, she still held no fear. She even let me trace her features, with soft, tender strokes. Then, the feel as she wrapped her arms around me and buried her face in my hair, her heart beating mere inches from where my cheek rested. That was enough for us both. We did not need anything more than to be with each other.
I wasn't sure how many times I re-played that day, each time when I would get to our kiss by her truck; I would start all over again. It was an endless loop of memories and I just let them play. The sky was lightening which was my cue to leave. Slowly and reluctantly I left the meadow, giving one last look as the sun kissed the meadow, only to realize, everything had begun to die. I found it fitting, it was how I felt.
At school I meet Bella once again in the parking lot, but neither of us said anything. The silence and tension was thick between us and as the extremely long day wore on, it only got worse. Bella was distracted, to the point of not being able to do well in class. When Mr. Berty called on her and she had no clue what he wanted, I murmured the answer to her. It was the least I could do for her; it was my fault she was suffering. This was the only time I was thankful I could not hear her thoughts. The emotions I watched flicker across her face was torture enough.
Lunch came and it was the first time Bella had spoken all day, but it wasn't to me.
"Hey, Jess?"
"What's up, Bella?" Jessica was surprised Bella was talking to her when I was around. Then she noticed my face, which I thought was arranged into a mask of indifference. Through her eyes I saw pain and anger clearly. I looked away, I couldn't take my reflection. Are they fighting? Maybe he will go out with me now? A growl died in my throat, she had no clue, that no one would ever hold any appeal to me ever again.
"Could you do me a favor," Bella asked politely. She took the camera out of her bag and handed it to her. "My mom wants me to get some pictures of my friends for a scrapbook. So, take some pictures of everybody, ok?"
Awesome. "Sure," she replied with a smile. She reached for the camera and snapped a fast picture of Newton with a mouth full of food. That started everyone clamoring for the camera and taking ridiculous pictures. Silently I kept track of those that may have had a hint of me in them. I would need to find them later on. Whatever Bella hoped to accomplish by letting her friends use her camera, it wasn't working. Her expression never changed; anxiety with a hint of confusion.
"Uh-oh. I think we used all your film." Jessica honestly was sorry, she was not sure if that is what Bella wanted.
"That's okay. I think I already got pictures of everything else I needed." Her tone was strange as if she was trying to convey some message to me. Try as I may, I could not figure out what it meant.
Blissfully the school day was over and I knew Bella would not ask me to come over, she had to work. Walking to her truck, once again in that uncomfortable silence, I sensed Bella's growing agitation. I wondered if I should try to get the camera from her and get the film. But that just seemed all wrong to me, there had to be a better way. A small kiss from me to her and we parted our ways once again.
Sensing my time with her was coming to a close, I made the extremely childish decision to follow her. I pretended to get into my car, but I just bided my time till she left the parking lot. Checking to make sure no one else was around, I sped into the forest and followed the sound of her truck. She stopped at Thriftway and then went to work. I backtracked to Thriftway and discovered she dropped the film off. It was still being developed so there was no chance to grab it there.
After work, she picked the pictures up and went home. I scaled the tree just outside her room waiting for her to appear. I did not have to wait long. Sure enough, there she was with the pictures and a granola bar. Sitting on her bed she inspected the pictures. She made no sounds of any kind and I was puzzled. Surely when other humans look at pictures, there are some that make them laugh, cry, or sigh, something.
The only reaction she made was a gasp. I changed positions to see what caught her attention. It was the first picture she took only a few days ago, but it seemed like a life time ago. Quickly she took out the other two pictures of me and laid them side by side. Even from here I could see the difference, I was sure it would not be lost on her.
The first was the best of the three by far; there was a light in my eyes. The other two clearly showed my strain, distance. It startled me, I thought I was being so careful, to keep things neutral. I did not want to worry Bella and obviously I was failing miserably, like always.
Bella took the pictures and began sorting and placing them in her scrapbook, including captions. She spent all night on her project, almost desperately. She saved the one of us together for last; curiously she folded it in half and placed the side with me up. I wanted to laugh, why she felt I was preferable to look at with all my inhuman features it was beyond me. It was her soft, warm perfection that was preferable. She wrote a note to her mom and packaged an additional set of prints with the letter.
A deep frown was etched on her face, she tried not to glance at the window, but she failed. I knew she was looking for me, waiting for me to show up. I have never stayed away for two nights, even when I went hunting, it was short trips for I did not like to be gone from her for too long. With great resignation, she prepared for bed. Feeling as if I no longer had a right to hear her nightly murmurings, I left.
All alone again, I did not know where to go. Too many places held memories of Bella and I and I could not bear them. Deep inside me I knew the time had come. There were no other delays I could latch on to. The film had been developed; I saw where the pictures were placed. I could no longer be a coward.
Roaming the forest, I made my plans. The pure agony of it all threatened to pulverize my spirit. Frantically I searched for the little strength I had left. All the love I felt for Bella needed to be pushed aside, held under strict lock and key. I could not afford to dwell on them. Like the skilled liar I was, I lined up the excuses I would need to convince Bella that I no longer loved her, that I needed to leave her. My stubborn Bella would not make this easy, she was too certain in the loved that we shared, in my love her. My only hope was to plant just a small seed of doubt and then I could leave. Her human mind would cultivate that seed and soon it would sprout uncertainty and she would be able to move on.
With my plan firmly in place, I ran home to change and pack the last of my belongings. I placed my suitcase in my trunk; there would be no need to come back to this place. Waiting for her in the parking lot, I lost all pretenses in keeping my face neutral. Seeing my face in the minds of others, I realized I found the remoteness I lacked since Bella come into my life. Once again, I was just a haughty Cullen, everyone else didn't matter.
Unexpectedly, school did not seem to drag on, for I zoned out for most of it. I no longer cared to keep up any semblance of normal pretenses. Soon I would lose everything that ever held any meaning for me. I latched on to the cold person I had been for so many years, one who cared for nothing or anyone.
At the end of the day, once again I was walking Bella to her truck, it was now or never.
"Do you mind if I come over today." Pure shock colored her face and she was taken aback.
"Of course not." Her tone of absolute acceptance of me amazed me, even after my horrendous behavior, she still wanted me.
Now?" I pressed her urgently.
"Sure. I was just going to drop a letter for Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."
I was in luck; she had the photos with her. Taking them quickly from the seat of her truck, I placed them in my coat.
"I'll do it. And I'll still beat you there." A smile attempted to form on my face. It didn't feel right, I was sure she noticed.
"Okay," she replied simply. She gave me no return smile and I was grateful. Anymore kindness on her part and I may have fallen to pieces.
I sped to her house, parked and scaled the side of the house to enter into her room. Silently and guiltily, I gathered everything up; the pictures, the plane tickets, and my CD. Having no clue what to do with them, I made a rash decision. Finding the loose floorboard in her room I pried it open and deposited everything there. Even though she would never know, I was leaving a small piece of me behind. Running downstairs I penned a quick note in her messy scrawl:
Going for a walk with Edward, up the path. Back soon. B
Just in case Bella did something, well, Bella like, I wanted her dad to know where she was. I was leaving her in his care. Back outside, I sat back in my car and waited for Bella to come home. Fortunately I did not have to wait long, her truck rumbled into sight within a few minutes. Taking a deep breath, I got out of my car and walked to her truck. Out of habit, I reached for her bag, but I just placed it back in the truck, her eyes followed me the entire time, nothing escaped her notice.
"Come walk with me." All emotions were pushed aside, all my concentration was at the task at hand. The need to play this right was paramount. The outcome of my actions must result in Bella being able to move on with her life, to forget me. That mantra kept repeating over and over and I focused on it.
Taking her hand I led her into the forest. Not wanting to go far, I stopped just inside the tree line, her house was still visible. Good.
Leaning against a tree, I could only stare at her. My eyes took the time to memorize her every feature, storing it for later retrieval. Bella stared back, but with confusion and panic.
"Okay, let's talk." Where did this bravado come from? If she was instantly defensive, it meant she was gearing up for a fight. She was not going to make this easy on me.
Breathing deeply and not breaking eye contact I responded.
"Bella," her name was pain on my lips, "We're leaving."
This did not seem to surprise her, I wondered what she thought I meant by my statement.
Also taking a deep breath she questioned, "Why now? Another year-" I couldn't let her finish that thought, if she got going it would only be harder.
"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-tree now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." I couldn't begin by telling her I didn't love her, it seemed too cruel.
I watched as Bella processed my words, confusion followed by comprehension. She misunderstood, she thought I was leaving with her, I could read it on her face. Her question confirmed by suspicions.
"When you say we-"she whispered, afraid to say it out loud. So I did it for her.
"I mean my family and myself." Each word was said with absolute clarity and conviction, there would be no misunderstanding.
Stubbornly she shook her head, like she was getting rid of a bad taste in her mouth. I waited. I owed her patience and as much time as she needed to understand the reality of the situation.
"Okay. I'll come with you." Sweet pain and pleasure filled me with her words, how she loved me so. It wasn't fair. I realized that here was where the true pain would begin, a lasting one for me, momentary for her. Tiny pieces of my spirit were crumbling, the holes that had begun in the last few days were widening.
You can't, Bella. Where we're going…It's not the right place for you." Lie! I was screaming at myself for lying so easily to her. She was always where I would want to be.
She saw through my lie easily. "Where you are is the right place for me."
"I'm no good for you, Bella." Not even close, I did nothing for her but hurt her.
Anger flashed in her eyes but her words lacked the proper force, "Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life." She had it all backwards. I was a monster who forced its way into her life and she was the sun in my never ending darkness.
"My world is not for you." No, she should be with the humans, not the monsters.
'What happened with Jasper- that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" She instantly got to the heart of the matter, but as always, she got it all wrong.
"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected." We were creatures, slave to our instincts. Jasper was doing what came natural to us all.
"You promised!" She screamed. "In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay- "Leave it to her to remember what I said, she just forgot one important fact.
"As long as that was best for you."
Fury shook her body, I worried she would hurt herself, never have I seen her so mad. How could I get her to see, to understand, to let go and move on? Would we be here for hours?
"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" Her words were coming fast and frantic. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you- it's yours already."
Her words would have made my heart beat and break all in the same motion if I had one. How could she carelessly throw her soul away? She had no idea what she was saying. There is nothing on this earth that was worth the price of her soul and I was far from worthy. If it was possible, my love for her grew and the realization made me angry. I had no right to love her and be with her.
Looking at the moss covered ground, I forced my face to turn hard, she was forcing my hand. Even though it was short term pain for long term gain on her end, I hated being the cause of it.
Capturing her wide brown eyes with my hard gold ones, I spoke ever so slowly.
"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." Pain ravaged my insides but I forced myself to hold her gaze. To break it would show weakness and expose my vicious lies. Watching her as she attempted to process my words was torture. Any moment she would yell at me her disbelief.
"You…don't…want me?" Her pain was evident in every syllable. Did she believe me? Did she doubt the love I felt, the love I would always feel for her? Agony, disbelief, despair punched at the fragile pieces inside me. The holes were expanding rapidly. Did she never really love me as I thought she did?
Somewhere through the haze in my mind I forced myself to answer her question.
"No."
We just stared at each other. She was searching my gaze for something, understanding, truth, but there would be nothing there. My love for her was in a corner of my being, struggling to break free, to declare how I was lying to her. This is for your own good, Bella. Please understand that. The desire to fall on my knees and beg her forgiveness consumed me. Gathering every ounce of courage, strength and resolve I had left, I held my ground, waiting for her process it all.
"Well, that changes things." The calmness in her voice caught me off guard. Was she able to believe the lie, that easily? More holes opened up and I am sure I resembled Swiss cheese. How could I be so wrong about her feelings for me? Maybe she wanted immortality more than she wanted me? Could I have been a means to her end? Regardless of whether she ever really loved me, I would always love her. She will always be my true mate.
Not able to look at her, knowing she never loved me, I wanted to leave her with some truth.
"Of course, I'll always love you…in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." Oh how I wished I was, for it would allow me to be with her. To marry her, have kids, grow old and die together. Then we could spend eternity in whatever lies beyond, just as long as we were together. Hardening my face once again, I continued.
"I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."
"Don't," she pleaded. The torment was written all over her body. Her eyes were wide and scared; her hands were twitching, to keep from reaching out. "Don't do this."
I could only look at her. Her pain was amplifying my own and I wanted to scream and cry. My ability to continue this farce was waning. I searched frantically for words that would make her understand.
"You're not good for me, Bella."
Several times she attempted to speak, her mouth moved in wordless sounds. I simply waited, my fate rested in her hands.
"If…that's what you want."
What? She was just letting go? Shock and confusion rang through my mind. I didn't understand what was going on. The pain of her ability to just stop caring for me was intense. Still, it changed nothing. Not trusting my voice, for fear it would come out pleading, I nodded my head yes.
An errant thought crossed my mind and I wondered if I even had the ability to ask one last thing of her. For a brief moment, I allowed my selfish side to shine through.
"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much."
Hoped flared and then died just as quickly on her face. I could not stop the guilt from revealing it's self in mine. Rearranging my features I waited for her answer.
"Anything," her voice rich with longing.
I did not deserve her loyalty, and I let myself bask in it for a while. My eyes bored into hers, the electric spark connecting us once again.
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I held her gaze, willing her to see how important it is to me that she continues her life. She needed to go on, to do whatever she was destined to do before I stole her from the light. When she finally nodded her acquiescence, I retreated behind my stone mask.
"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself- for him" I need you too, Bella. Always have and always will. Take care of yourself for me, too.
"I will," again her voice was nothing more than a whisper. Instantly I relaxed fractionally. I was certain that she wouldn't do something dumb, I could take her at her word.
"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."
He breathing became erratic and she looked unsteady on her feet. The instinct to reach out and help her was immense. To touch her now would be a mistake. One feel of her silky skin and the calming warmth of her body, would undue everything I have done so far. Somehow she found the strength to remain upright and I was able to continue.
"Don't worry. You're human- your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."
"And your memories?" The concern was evident in her voice and it only served as further proof that I was undeserving of this beautiful woman. Even after all I have said and done to her, she found enough compassion to worry about me.
"Well-"could I give her the truth, I needed to try. 'I won't forget. But my kind …we're easily distracted." I gave her a smile, but it came out all wrong. My control was slipping, I needed to leave.
Taking a slow step backwards I pressed on, "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."
"Alice isn't coming back," she stated, but her voice was surprised. It was like she just put all the pieces together and the conclusions were coming in a rush.
I couldn't take my eyes off her; I deserved to watch this, her pain, confusion, and shock. I would carry it with me wherever I went. It would haunt me, for I was the cause of it all. No matter how fleeting it was, I caused her to hurt.
Nodding I answered, "No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."
"Alice is gone?" Grief filled her eyes. She truly loved my sister. She would miss her, maybe more than I would know. Just another wound I inflicted that I would have to carry around.
"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you."
Her eyes glazed over in disbelief, she struggled to breathe normally. I feared that I may have caused lasting harm. Soon her heart calmed and she was able to breathe normally. Relief filled me, she would be ok. I kept that thought in the front of my mind. I needed to believe it if I was to be able to walk away.
"Goodbye, Bella," the words were said on a sigh. Never did I think I could utter them. I began my turn to leave when she cried out.
"Wait!" She reached out and I quickly reached for her arms. My crumbling insides would have melted had she held onto me. The sight of her reaching for me would be forever imprinted into my memories. Pain clear and complete emanated from her, pain that I had caused. I could never forgive myself for this. Letting the selfish side of me out once more I bent forward and laid a light, gentle kiss to her forehead. Her scent scorched its way down my throat, I savored the burn. I inhaled deeply, filling every part of me up with her aroma.
"Take care of yourself." My breath exhaled on her, my way of leaving an invisible mark on her. Childish, but I couldn't stop myself. Before another word was uttered I ran, fast. The shattered pieces truly began to crumble away. Massive holes made up my insides and I was gasping for air. Each intake of air seemed to be incomplete. The silent place of my dead heart was hollow.
How I made it into my car and drive away, I'll never figure out. Tearless sobs wracked my body and I gripped the wheel tightly. On the road just outside Forks, I pulled over. Grief and sadness unlike I had ever experienced consumed me. The waves crashed higher and higher and I had no ability to pull myself up.
Suddenly the door to my car opened, and there stood Carlisle. He wrapped his arms around me and held me as tremors shuddered through me. I held on with all my might and it did not seem strong enough. Carlisle moved me from the driver's side and placed me in the backseat, without saying a word, he continued the drive. Somewhere through my pain I managed to ask him, "How?"
"Alice."
Then the pain pulled me under and I let myself go.
A/N: This was a hard chapter to write, but I hope you enjoyed it. I see all the wonderful people who have read my story so far...but hardly any reviews. I am interested in your thoughts. Please review..for me? Please!