A/N: Please forgive the long break in updating. It was not my intention, but with both of my wonderful beta's in school.. I have to work with their free time. But never fear...I plan on finishing the WHOLE book!
As always.. I do not own Twilight or anything in the world of Twilight, Ms. Meyer just lets me play with them.
Please review.. they are like crack for my soul!
This is for you Mineola!
Making Adjustments
There was numbness; complete and utter numbness and silence. It enveloped me and I did nothing to hold it off. Why should I? It was comforting, wrapping me in its soft embrace. I felt no trace of the pain that I knew was waiting should I ever leave this cocoon. Besides, what was there for me on the outside? There was nothing for me. I left the last and only good thing in my life. This was my punishment for loving her too much and not enough. It was my consequence for existing. An existence that was not real or natural.
Images of her reaching for me, panic and comprehension of what I was doing marked her eyes. That sight would haunt my memories. Even now, it floated in the back of my lids, tormenting me in my solitude. After our last kiss I ran from her and what little strength I had relied on before vanished. I felt like a coward; once again I was running away.
NO! All of this was for her, to keep her safe, to let her be human. I sacrificed myself on the altar of her humanity. Whatever the price to assure that she stayed human and kept her soul, I would pay it. I needed to pay it. I could no longer be selfish. She is the most important thing in my life. That was what love was all about. Doing what was necessary to protect, honor, and cherish the one you love. Since she possessed no capacity for self preservation, I needed to be the strong one. No matter how it killed me to do so.
Now I want nothing more than to be numb, to float in the darkness. The silence was beautiful and profound. No babbling of voices, no humming static of noise, it felt amazing. I wondered if it could be possible to stay like this. It felt like a cop-out, a way for me to ignore the harsh reality of my choices. But the alternative seemed unbearable. I did not know that such a pain existed. Even the burning heat of my transformation did not hurt as much as walking away from her.
Her face floated in front of me, not saying anything. Her eyes were wide, expressionless. The hurt seemed to be lurking underneath and I cringed. I was fully aware, even in the numbness, that I had put the pain there; I had caused her to hurt. I tried to banish her into the darkness, but she did not cooperate. I was not ready to deal with the memories of her. They were too fresh, too raw, and still tangible. I did not know if I was even worthy of them. Certainly I was not noble enough to warrant being in her life.
Knowing I was traveling down a potentially dangerous path, I searched for something, anything else to think about. My family sprang forth and instantly another problem presented itself. Soon, I would have to face them, and I did not have a clue how to do that. They made a great sacrifice in leaving with me, no questions asked. How could I ever begin to repay them for that? Knowing that not all of them agreed with my choice, I felt compelled to do right by them. The problem was did I even know what was right anymore? Everything felt off to me. It was like I was no longer comfortable in my own skin.
I did not want to worry them; I had put them through too much already. But, I worried if I could even function normally. Could I go through the motions day in and day out? I did not think I could. The amount of energy that would take seemed more than I was capable of. Maybe I shouldn't be around them, perhaps just go off on my own, until I could get a grip. Some part of me enjoyed that thought, to simply be left alone. But I knew they would never allow that. We are a close family, and we love each other fiercely.
To just go and leave them it would only bring more pain and heartache. Wasn't that the whole point of all I was trying to do, to prevent inflicting any more pain on those in my life? Somehow it all needed to stop; I needed to stop causing strife. As the saying went, I have made my bed, now I must lie in it. Even though I was close to a hundred and ten years old, it was time I finally grew up.
There would be pain, of that I had no doubt. But it was my pain and it was all that I deserved. But, to hurt Esme or Carlisle, that was unthinkable. They did nothing but love me, unconditionally and without reservation. Even my siblings, with all their support, did not warrant being subjected to my pain. How could I ever get them to accept that what I did was for the best if I did not come to some terms with myself that it was for the best? I expected Bella to move on with her life; shouldn't I do that as well? All of this was of my making and I alone needed to deal with it. It was time to find a new normal, to accept the decision I have made, with no looking back.
Yes, I would try to do that, on the outside, but I knew that deep inside, I could never move on. I was changed forever, permanently. Her love and the love we shared altered who I was. I could not undue those changes nor did I want to. I would like to believe that for a brief moment, I was becoming a better person, striving to do well, to erase the litany of horrible acts I had committed. I did all this, because I desired to be deserving of her love.
In the silence of my mind, I made adjustments. My memories of her and the few precious months we had were bundled and placed in the furthest recesses of my mind. Feeble bricks were erected to keep them there and from escaping. The pain was scattered, there was too much to be pushed aside. It would be in every breath I took, every action I made, in every word I uttered. That would be my new normal; it was the best I could do. I looked for reserves of strength I had forgotten about. There were shards of it, having been flung aside when my spirit had broken apart. I gathered them; it did not amount to much and I was not sure how long it would last, but it was all that was left.
Slowly, awareness of my surroundings came into focus, the hum of the car, the gentle swaying of the road. I was conscious of the leather seat I was on, of my arms wrapped around my legs. Taking a deep breath, I raised my head. The bright light stung my eyes. Looking out the window I tried to get my bearings, I could not figure out where I was.
Music filled my mind and I realized it came from Carlisle, who was watching me from the rear view mirror. He'd found one of my Mozart CD's and had it playing gently in the background. He was humming the music in his mind, to keep his thoughts from intruding in my mind.
"We just passed Port Townsend." His eyes searched mine, looking for something, but I had no clue what. Through his mind I saw the confusion of his words on my face, comprehension still not fully functioning.
"I drove a bit slower, you appeared to need to time to yourself. I did not want to get to Vancouver before you were ready." How well he knew me, there was nothing he did not understand. I would never be able to repay him for all that he had done for me today. His concern for my well-being was limitless.
"Thank you," I croaked, my throat was tight and dry. I wondered if this was how humans felt after crying, all parched and drained. I certainly did. I was slightly bothered that I could not remember ever crying. There appeared to be a relief that accompanied crying, that it is a way to release pent up emotions. A small part of me wished I could cry for Bella, it felt appropriate. Slowly I unwound myself from the ball I was curled into.
"I am sorry; I hope I did not worry you." The words were insignificant, I was much more than sorry, but it was a start. Warily I watched his eyes through the mirror, preparing for whatever words he had for me. He should condemn me, but that was not Carlisle. Instead I was worried about sympathy, intense and deep. From not only him, but all the others, I would have to hear their every sympathetic thought and I did not know how to brace myself for it.
"There is nothing to be sorry for, Edward." Sincerity rang with each word he spoke. It was in the golden eyes reflected back at me as he also warily watched me in the mirror. "You had to make an impossible decision and that takes strength and courage. I am in no position to judge you. None of us are."
He meant every word and I felt wretched inside. There was no sympathy, just admiration for my strength. If what I did was admirable, why did I feel so awful inside?
"But for me to say that I am not worried, well, I will not lie to you. I am worried; we are all worried about you. I have never witnessed one of our kind leave a mate. We will all do what we can to support you and help you through this difficult time." With that said, his concentration was back on the road, and he began to hum along to the music.
I did not know what to say; there were not enough words to express the gratitude I felt for this man, my father, my creator. His unwavering support and loyalty to me was astounding. I knew that most of my family would support me. Some, well it would take more time. Alice would be the hardest. Out of all of them, she loved Bella the most. They were sisters and as much as I needed my time to grieve, so did she.
Out of the corner of my eyes, I caught Carlisle looking at the time. He was still driving slower than normal and I was sure he was anxious to get to Esme. It was time to face everyone; it was time to set things right, with everyone, including Jasper.
"You can go faster Carlisle; it's time I put the past behind me." The scenery flashed by on the stretches of roads where he could really push the pedal down. In the towns he slowed down because my mind was occupied and I was no good for detecting police.
I dwelled on the reception that would await me. I did not leave on good terms with anyone, except Carlisle. Esme and Emmett would be easy to deal with; both cared about me in their own way. Esme was ever the fretful mother and Emmett, the obnoxious older brother who said what he felt. Rosalie would be thinking of herself and may be the only one who approved of my leaving Bella. But Alice and Jasper, they would be the hard ones. My fight with Alice was a rare occurrence. We usually stuck together more than the others, our gifts making it a necessity. With Jasper, I knew he was sorry, and if I was honest, he did me a favor. He brought into stark reality the danger that I was putting Bella in. But, before he could even begin to forgive himself, he would need to hear from me that I held no ill will. I could grant him that.
Before much time had passed, I saw the sign declaring that we were entering Vancouver. The massive amount of lights from downtown proper was something to see. It appeared as though everything was lighted in some fashion; it was like the Vegas of Canada.
Like our home in Forks, the house in Vancouver was just outside the city, nestled near the Lynn Headwaters Regional Park. Most of the time, it was rented out to people looking for a bit of an escape from the city. But the last renters had some water damage from a burst pipe. They moved out and basic repairs had been made. From what I could tell, Esme was looking to do a bit of redecorating on it while we're there.
Carlisle took the turn off the main highway and gunned the car forward. His thoughts were no longer on Mozart; instead they were thoughts of Esme. In his mind I saw her look of concern as he left after Alice had told him about me. He never did say goodbye to her, he just dashed out. He made a quick call as he was waiting for Alice to give him a more specific idea of where I would be.
Mentally, I prepared myself for both the mental and physical onslaught from my family. I needed to prove to them and to me that I could survive this. Small amounts of the pain lapped at me as an errant thought of Bella sprang to mind. The image of her reaching for me and the pain in her eyes made me wince. Pushing it to the back of my mind I looked out the window as the house came into view.
It was a three story pale green colonial house. The front held a porch that spanned the entire face of the house. Massive columns supported each end of the porch. The front held a bay window on the entry level and smaller arched windows on the rest of the floors. Dormers stuck out on all four sides on the roof. Lights were blazing in all the windows and I could hear the movement of my family.
Before Carlisle had the car parked, Esme was on the porch. Her hands were clasped in anxious excitement and she only had eyes for Carlisle. They are safe, thank goodness. I was so worried. Edward looks so sad; this must be hard on him. I was disappointed to hear that she could see the sadness on my face; I was trying to keep it expressionless.
As Carlisle exited the car, Esme flitted to his side. They shared a tender embrace and clasped hands. The wave of love emanating from them crashed over me. The pain reared up and threatened to pull me under. My knees felt weak and I held onto the car for support. I closed my eyes, trying to block them out. I would not survive if I reacted this way anytime someone embraced.
Most of the time, I tried to tune my family out, to give them some privacy in their thoughts. But when the thoughts were intense, like when my parents reunited, it's hard to keep them out. Somehow I would need to learn the skill of erecting mental barriers. I no longer wanted to be privy to the thoughts of my family, not as long as I was the odd man out. I could not stand to hear their sympathy, their pity for me. It would drive me insane.
Trying to subtly give them some alone time, I crept away, focusing on the jumble of action in the house. Slowly, I tried to push the sound of the voices out of my head, building that block one brick at a time. Soon they were just a dim noise, one that was easily ignored. Taking a deep breath I closed the small gap between the car and the house.
Suddenly, I felt Esme's hand on my shoulder, "Wait, Edward. Can I talk to you?" There was concern layered on each word she spoke.
Carefully arranging my face, to show nothing of the inner turmoil, I faced my mother. I did not speak; I just waited for her to say what was on her mind.
Her eyes roamed all over my face, looking, searching for some clue I was sure. Something that would really tell her how I felt. She stopped many times at my eyes, staring intently. She would see nothing, no pain, no light, just amber eyes. A small frown pulled the corners of her mouth down, she was not happy she could not read me.
Finally she broke the silence, her eyes and voice filled with worry, "I am not going to ask you how you are, for it would be a dumb question. But I do want you to know, that I am here for you. I know how it feels to lose something that you love. I hope you know you can always talk to me."
Esme was thinking of the child she lost just before she was changed. The grief and pain of that experience is what drove her to throw herself over the cliff in a suicide attempt. She had the faintest of heart beats when she was found, and it was just enough for Carlisle to save her. She never talked much about that time in her life. But we all knew she held onto those memories, not wanting to forget them. The idea that she would be willing to share her heartache was touching. But I just couldn't see how they compared. But it didn't matter; I was not going to talk to anyone.
I nodded acknowledging that I had heard her, but didn't speak. I did not trust myself to say anything right now. Fear that the pain and rage that was ever present would bubble forth and I would leave even more destruction in my wake. I needed time to acclimate myself to what would be my new normal.
Walking in the house, several things were evident. First, the noise that my siblings were making ceased, instantly; second, the house was in complete disarray. I expected the first, not the second. Esme liked to make where ever we stayed feel like home as soon as she could. To see boxes and suitcases sprawled all over could only mean two things. Either Alice had convinced everyone that I would change my mind at the last second so there would be no need to unpack or we were moving on sooner than I thought.
I spared a glance at Carlisle, looking for confirmation to my fears that Alice had no common sense. "Until Alice saw you on the side of the road, she said your future was still cloudy." His eyes were asking for me to understand. But I didn't. It was like they had no concept at all of the danger that Bella was constantly in, that I put her in by being with her.
Anger, hot and furious, colored my vision. I needed time to calm down.
"Is my room on the top floor?" The question came out sharper than I wanted, but I was beyond caring. I just needed to get out of the room.
All Carlisle could do was nod his head and then I flashed out of the room, up the three flights of stairs and into the attic room. The dormer windows were open, to air out the room. Boxes of my books, music and journals lined one wall. Suitcases with my clothes were sitting near the closet. They left the leather couch back in Forks. In this room was a desk with my laptop, and a couple of out dated couches. Even with all my stuff here, this did not feel like home.
My thoughts began to drift to where home was, where I would always consider home to be. Pictures of a sleeping form, wild chestnut hair spread over a pillow, a smile, a kiss, the feel of a warm, soft hand.
Stop! Stop! STOP! Mentally I berated myself for thinking of her like that, for bringing up the memories I needed to remain buried. I needed to move on, to push the memories out of my mind. If they kept floating free and unabated, all I would do was wallow. The memories were so strong, that they had the power to pull me into them, never able to live beyond them.
Pacing, I frantically looked around the room, trying to figure out what to do, I felt lost. I wanted to play music, to see if that could soothe my soul, but my system was not at the house yet. It was in the moving van which would arrive tomorrow. I had no patience to unpack, so it only left reading. I had no interest in reading, but maybe it would be enough to distract me, to allow me to find some sanity.
I reached into the box of books and opened it up. The first one I spotted was a collection of poems, a book given to me by Carlisle. He found the premise of the book fascinating and thought I would as well. I paged through, looking for something to catch my eye when a small piece of paper fell out. I could not place what it was, so I opened it. What I read stopped me cold and I was helpless to stop the memory of when I first saw this small scrap of paper.
It was a few short weeks after prom, and Bella was finally fully recovered from all her injuries. Bella was looking forward to a day without people gawking at her; I was looking forward to just being with her. Of course, fate had other things in mind; it was going to be sunny before the end of school. So I only had till lunch to be with Bella. We were both dissappointed, but it wasn't anything we could not handle.
To help give us an easy out, Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper all stayed home, claiming a sick day. Alice and I would then claim ill and then we could be home before the sun was out. We were going to go on a family hunting trip. We rarely went on those, so we were all looking forward to it. I waited for Bella outside her Spanish class, but she did not come out with the other students. I scanned around, looking for her, wondering how I could miss her. Finally I spotted her, but she was walking towards me like she was coming from the parking lot.
I went to meet her half way, anxious to spend what little time I had left with her.
"I waited for you after class." I knew from prior experience, if I did not question, but made statements of fact, I would gather more information.
"Sorry. I asked to be excused early so I could drop a book off at my truck. I didn't want to carry it around with me. I got it in English to help with my essay I'm doing tonight." She gave me a knowing wink. "I have nothing better to do, so may as well get started on it."
We both laughed and made our way to lunch. Afterwards, after I left her in front of the Biology room, I walked with Alice to my car. I should have known something was up. Alice was concentrating hard on reciting the Declaration of Independence backwards. When we reached my car, I spotted a small piece of paper, folded and sitting on the seat. Climbing into the car I opened it up to find that Bella had left me a note:
Have fun. Don't worry about me, I'll be ok.
Love you.
B
It was the first note she had ever given me. Love like I had never felt welled deep inside me. Even though I had heard her utter those words countless times, to see it on paper, it was different, more tangible. I kept it with me the entire hunting trip.
And then I was back to the present, and the pain of seeing those words again ripped through me. Desperately I tried to find the darkness, the numbness that saved me before, but it was not to be found. Red, hot pain burned through me, leaving blistering sores, as a new sense of grief overwhelmed me. Side by side the words written on the tiny piece of paper sat with the image of Bella in the woods. One stated unequivocally that she loved me; the other was a jumble of confusion as she believed I no longer loved her.
Unable to reconcile the images, I let the anger, fury, sadness, grief, desolation and pain consume me and I threw it out into the open. In that instant the voices of my family that I was trying hard to block out came crashing down on me, full force.
He looked so lost, so full of sadness. What can we do to help him?
He needs time to work things out, in time he will be ok.
This is pure stupidity, nothing has changed it still plays out the same.
I drove him to this, me and my weakness.
Jasper's voice reached me through the haze and in that instant I wanted him to suffer. It was unlike me, to act in retaliation, in revenge, but I could not hold everything inside me. It was too much. I channeled all of my fury on him. I let the images that told me I was no good for her play, intensifying the emotions.
Bella and her scent that first day in Biology, the despair as I tried to keep her from James. The anguish as I raced to save her, only to see her broken and bleeding. The helplessness as James bit her and her screams as the venom spread. The guilt as she lay in a hospital bed, with her multitude of injuries, the fear as Jasper lunged for her and the desire to consume her as her blood streamed down her arm.
Even though I was lost in the memories, I did not miss the gasp in pain that Jasper uttered as my emotions flooded him. It was even too much for him to handle. I watched as he held his hands to his face and moved his head from side to side, like he was shaking the motions free. I kept up the endless loop of the pain, wanting him to hurt as I hurt. My family turned to stare at Jasper as he struggled under the immense weight of my emotional baggage.
Simultaneously, Carlisle and Alice reached for him as he staggered and fell to his knees.
Jasper! Jasper, are you ok? Tell me what's wrong. Alice's wordless plea was like a shock to my system. What I was doing was wrong, it was not fair. As much as I was furious for what Jasper had done, it was no reason to make him suffer. This was a hell of my own making and I could not subject my family to it.
Closing my eyes, I pulled it all back. No longer was I throwing my emotions into the open. Three stories below me, my family breathed a collective sigh of relief. Their questioning eyes never left him, they were searching for answers.
"I'm ok. It was Edward, he was in pain." His simple response floored me, why wasn't he telling them the whole story.
Alice's eyes flashed in anger, "How dare…" Jasper cut her off by placing a lone finger on her lips.
"This is between him and me. I will deal with it." He looked at everyone, to make sure they knew he was fully capable of taking care of the issues between us. "Now, I think we need some privacy. It is time we took care of some unfinished business." Slowly, my family left the house and bounded into the forest.
I knew it would be best if I stood and faced him, but the outburst left me gasping for breath and mentally exhausted. The best I could do was to uncurl myself from the ball I was folded into. The scrap of paper that started this breakdown was crumpled in my hand. I stuffed it back into the book it came from. I did not want any reminders.
I watched as his feet entered the room. Unable to look into his eyes, I mumbled, "I am so sorry…"
"I know why you did it, and I can't say that I blame you." The sincerity in his voice made me look at him. He was serious.
"I am the one who owes you an apology, Edward." He spoke low and with much regret. Shaking my head, I wanted him to stop; I was not ready to hear it. He surprised me by coming down to where I sat, with my back up against the wall. There was no escape, and he knew it.
"I need to say this and whether you agree with me or not, you need to hear it." My shoulders slumped in defeat. I did not have the energy or motivation to fight back, but deep down I knew he was right.
"I never meant to hurt her, I did not want to. You do not know how ashamed and weak I felt, how I still feel. To think that I could have harmed her, it makes me cringe. To think that I could have done something so unforgiveable to your mate, when I know how she makes you feel." He paused; I knew what he was getting at. He could read my every emotion that tied me to Bella, even when I could not name it or place it, Jasper could.
"I would have offered to leave, to make sure there would be no chance that I could never hurt her. Alice and I fought about that. But I did not want my weakness to tear you from the truest happiness you have ever had."
The complete honesty that shone in his eyes, made me stop, for just a second. To know that Jasper would have left our family, to leave behind the only kind of peace and calm he had ever experienced, so that Bella would be in no danger from him, I was floored. To also know that he fought with Alice, his true mate, over this, sickened me.
"I never meant for you to feel you had to leave Bella. I did not want this to happen." His eyes bored into mine, and I could not doubt his honesty. I could feel how much you loved her and that she loved you. I did not mean to be the destruction of it.
Once again, I shook my head, he got it all backwards. I was the cause of all the destruction, me and my selfish desires. It was right then and there that I knew without a doubt that I had to forgive Jasper, to set him free from his prison of guilt and shame. He did not deserve to feel that way. All the anger and hostility I felt towards him melted.
"I know and I forgive you. You did not cause this mess, I did." Taking a deep breath I continued in a rush, the urgency to help heal his wounds was paramount.
"Ever since she came into my life, I knew I was being selfish and that is why we needed to go. My very presence in her life was putting her in danger, each and every single day. What happened on her birthday, well, it put things into sharper perspective. It highlighted the danger she was constantly in. Your urge to hurt her was momentary; mine was an everyday struggle to keep it at bay." Shame and guilt made me hang my head. I never confessed the constant craving and desire her blood had for me, or the monster who wanted it all.
"I needed to do this, for her Jazz. I love her too much to take away her life, her soul, her future." My voice was begging for him to understand me now. I was seeking his acceptance of my choice, for I was unable to give it to myself. "She deserved much more than I could ever hope to give her. Now, she will grow old, get married, and have children…" I could go no farther, to say the words that I will be waiting to hear when she is gone. She would die.
Now it was me holding his gaze, looking for the approval I suddenly needed. It was rare that I ever sought this from Jasper; mostly I looked to Carlisle for approval, for he acted as my father in so many ways, and now Jasper had power over me. I never felt more like the younger brother, needing a guiding hand from his big brother.
Jasper searched my eyes and I did not know what he found, his thoughts were very silent. But he frowned and shook his head slowly. He placed a hand on my shoulder and I hoped his words would set me free.
"I will not tell you if what you did is right or wrong, you will need to come to that conclusion on your own. But I do thank you for your forgiveness." With that he stood up in one fluid motion and left my room.
I wanted to be angry that he threw me no life raft to cling to, but I was unable to do so. He was right. Once again I was looking to others to save me and I needed to save myself. The decision I made in the car came back, to move forward, to live with my choice. I owed it to my family to not worry them. If my constant mood swings could not be controlled, everyone would be walking on egg shells and that was not fair.
Swiftly, I stood up and went down stairs. I could hear that everyone was outside, talking, which stopped the second I came into view. Drawing a deep breath of courage I addressed them all.
"I know that I have worried you all, and I am sorry. This is much harder than I thought it would be and I am having some trouble adjusting. But I want you all to know that I truly appreciate the sacrifice you made in moving so suddenly. I will not forget that you did this for me." It was all I could say. I wanted to reassure them that I would be alright, but I did not believe it and I could not lie to them.
Looking out at the sea of faces that was my family, their emotions were written clearly; Esme was concerned, Rosalie indignant, Carlisle cautious, Alice was hurt, Emmett uncomfortable and Jasper wary. I had earned them all; only my actions put their fear and doubt to rest.
Being the peacemaker, it was Carlisle who spoke first, "We were going to do a bit of exploring and maybe some light hunting, would you care to join us?"
I was not hungry, but in a gesture of goodwill, I nodded. I needed to show them I could be a member of this family. It was the least I could do. We did not run fast, taking time to get acquainted with our new surroundings. We all needed to expend some energy, shake off the tension and worry from the last few days.
We had not run far when the realization hit me that running held no joy for me. Running was the one thing I had always counted on to help calm or soothe me; it was like a balm for my spirit. Now, with the wind in my hair, the rush of the earth beneath my feet, it was only a means to an end. I wanted to weep for yet another loss in my world. The feeling that they would only keep piling up until there was nothing left to me, left me cold with dread.
My reverie was broken by Emmett's boisterous laugh followed by a growl. Stretching my hearing out, I could hear the bear that he had found. Of course, only a bear could make Emmett laugh like that. It was well understood in our family that he would spend the rest of his existence making up for the one fight he had lost to a bear. Shaking my head, I gave him and the bear a wide berth; I did not want to interfere with Emmett's fun.
Up ahead, the rest of my siblings were involved in rather childish game, but one we played often; swing tag. Basically it's tag, but in the trees. Jasper was 'it' and he was hot on Rosalie's heels. Absorbed in watching, I did not realize that Carlisle and Esme came up behind me. They surrounded and wound their arms around me. Automatically I blocked their thoughts, not able to handle any pity they may be feeling. I was too raw and sore to handle it.
"Why don't you join them, I know they would like that." Esme said gently prodding me. She rubbed soothing circles on my back; it comforted and irritated me at the same time. She was right, plus, if I was trying to move on, this would be one way to do it. Taking a deep breath and nodding, I leapt into the nearest tree and blocked Jasper from tagging Rosalie. Jasper quickly reversed course and came after me. I headed towards my sisters, who were waiting a few trees away.
"Joining the game, Edward?" questioned Jasper. "If so, I think it's only fair that you're 'it'." He paused in a tree away from the rest of us. I knew what he was doing; it was a ruse we had used before. Too bad Rosalie never figured it out, but then, she was too self absorbed to notice much.
With little interest in the game or the ruse, I forged ahead, playing the role I was expected to fulfill.
"Sure, if you say so." Making as if I was heading towards Alice, who was smirking at us both, I swung a few branches above Rose. As I went from one tree to another I tagged her head, "Gotcha." A furious growl erupted from her, "Leave the hair alone!"
I swung easily out of her reach and moved towards Alice. The game continued for sometime, with Emmett and Carlisle eventually joining. Esme was the ref, to keep us honest. With more players it was easier for me to put less and less effort into the game.
As the light began to creep up the horizon, Carlisle called a stop and stated it was time to head back. Once again we ran back to the house and this time I hung back, not able to be with the others while they were in such good moods. Their laughter and talking filled my ears; it created a noise in my head, like buzzing bees. Resentment filled me; I hated that they could be happy when everything in my world was destroyed, and it was cruel.
As the house came into view an overwhelming sense of wrongness filled me. Nothing felt as it should. The sights, sounds; even the smells were off. Then it dawned on me. This was my life now; it would always be slightly off kilter. No longer was I living my life. No, I left that behind. Now, I was going through the motions of living another life, one that was void of everything that made sense. This should have made me sad, but I had no room for anything in me. Instead, new holes opened up deep inside me as I trudged up the front stairs. This was my new reality and it hurt like nothing else.
A/N: Did you like? If so..please review, they really do keep me going! Plus, if you review I may give you a little inside info on upcoming chapters!