A/N: I do not own Twilight or anything remotely close to it. I own a dog, 2 cats and socks.
For those who left a review, I hoped you like my liitle teaser for this chapter, now I hope it lives up to any expectations. Please review.. I like it when you do. ENJOY!
Snap
Inside the house, a new type of chaos reigned. Esme was hard at work directing everyone and I was pulled in the moment she saw me cross the threshold.
"Good, Edward, you're here. Ok, everyone this is what I need. Jazz, Em, set up the computers, I will need them soon. Alice and Rosalie please go into town and see if you can find anything on the house when it was first built. Pictures would be very helpful. Also, if you see an interior design place open, see about getting some swatch books to bring back."
A flurry of activity buzzed around me as Jasper and Emmett pulled the boxes filled with computer parts into the downstairs study. I could hear as they began assembling them, with a bit of horse play in between. Alice and Rose grabbed Carlisle's keys and drove away heading towards downtown Vancouver.
Silent and still, I just watched as everyone else moved around me, not really caring that I appeared to be forgotten, almost preferring it that way. Esme's hand halted my thoughts as she pulled me towards the kitchen. This is where most of the water damage was located. Cabinets were warped from being underwater, even with the floor ripped up, a musty smell lingered and all appliances had been removed.
"I thought we could get started here. Carlisle is arranging for a dumpster to be delivered later, but I thought we could still pull things out." Without another word, she began to rip the cabinets from the wall. As they were removed I brought them to the back yard to wait for the dumpster. In compatible silence, Esme and I worked. It felt nice, to be doing something physical where I did not have to mind my own strength. At times, I imagined all the hurt and grief I held locked deep inside as one of the cabinets and just smashed it, until it was pulverized pieces of wood.
By late morning, there was much progress to be seen. The computers were humming and Jasper and Emmett were busy looking up appliances, ordering drywall and other needed equipment. The kitchen was gutted to the pipes and Carlisle was inspecting them for rust, mold and making sure they were up to code. Alice and Rosalie had found the original blueprints and a book about the house at the library. They even found a designed that specialized in colonial houses and was more than willing to share some ideas. Alice found that funny, as Esme had several degrees in design and architecture and was more than qualified to handle this remodeling job.
They were spread on the living room floor pouring over the plans and pictures, sketching a rough design. Since we were not sure we were staying long, Esme was not looking to do anything too detailed. I was out back with the cabinets, loading them into the dumpster. I focused on the repetitive nature of my chore, breaking down the cabinets into smaller chunks of wood and piling them in the dumpster. Slowly, methodically I worked, trying to get lost in it all. It helped, a fraction of a bit, for I still felt the pain. It hung on the edges of everything I did, making sure I never forgot it was present, but not threatening to crash over me just yet.
With everything loaded I wondered back into the kitchen and found that Carlisle was missing. Continuing through to the living room, I saw Esme was gathering feedback from everyone regarding her rough plans. Excitedly she talked about a country kitchen, hardwood floors throughout and lots of wood trim. One could not miss the true pleasure she felt when involved in a remodeling project. I offered little of my own opinion, for I cared little about remodeling. Now, if you were doing a room made for acoustics, then I was your expert, but houses were little more than functional buildings to me.
A few hours later, a simple design was agreed upon and a rough schedule of how to get it all done was made. Esme tapped me as her main helper and once again, I did not object. Maybe this is how I could get through the rest of my miserable existence, just helping Esme with one project after another. Shredding something physical to go with the emotional shredding I was feeling.
Talk soon turned towards where we should move to next. We had to be careful that if we moved back someplace we had already lived, that the current residents would not recognize us. That usually meant that we came back every seventy to eighty years. Staying out on the west coast was not an option. Denali was mentioned but I quickly gave my veto. Having to deal with Tanya and her never ending attention was not my idea of fun. Knowing her, she would make it her personal mission to 'help me' deal with my loss.
With the time of year, we had more choices as winter offered more cloudy days. There was some talk of going overseas but most of us voiced displeasure. I was grateful that I wasn't the only not liking the idea. It was childish, but I wanted to at least be on the same continent as Bella, even if I could not be with her. Thankful I would not have to let my family be privy to my juvenile needs, I concentrated harder on the topic at hand.
Carlisle was moving towards going out East. This time of year, we had ample choices laid out before us. Plus, those who wanted to attend college could as there were several universities to pick from. Everyone agreed that would be the most ideal place to move towards. As we tried to keep our family decisions fairly democratic, Carlisle would gather a list of possible places we could move and present the options to us.
For me, it would matter not where we moved. I was fairly certain I would not be in a frame of mind to do any studying, high school or college. The amount of mental energy it would take to put forth any semblance of normal behavior was beyond me. Fear gripped me as I wondered what I would do. Now more than ever, truly seeing that I had decades of time to fill made me panic. It was torturous enough to fill the few measly hours of this day.
With all the decisions made that could be for the time being, everyone turned towards other pursuits. Emmett and Rosalie went back on the computer, trying to decide if they wanted to finish their trip to Africa. Alice was buried with Esme in books on colors schemes and design ideas. It would be hours before they would surface again. Carlisle was on the other computer researching our options. Jasper went in search for the boxes with his books; he had begun to read philosophy lately and was hoping to delve back into a book he had started. This left only me, alone, in a room full of my family.
Feeling rather conspicuous, I headed towards my room, a feeling of foreboding creeping up my spine. I was greeted by darkness and nothing else. The boxes remained where they had been before and I still had no motivation to do anything with them. Walking towards the window, I pressed my forehead against the chilled pane. The moon was just a sliver of its self as the new moon had just past.
Without giving it much thought, I opened the window and proceed to climb up on the roof, the feeling of foreboding had turned into suffocation. The mental noise from my family was getting to me. While their thoughts still held notes of concern for me, they were also continuing on with their life. This meant that once again I was all alone in a house full of perfectly matched mates, the odd man out. I should have felt something at that thought. Instead, I only felt hollow. There truly was nothing left in me to feel.
Knowing I was only adding to the pain I felt, but powerless to stop what I felt compelled to do, I angled my body towards Forks. Facing the one place I would always called home. I had a fierce wish that my vampire sight would allow me to see her home from here. Torment and calm swept through me as I longed for her, to be there right now. But for the moment it had to be enough that I was looking her way, thinking of her, still loving her.
Never had my nights been filled with such agony and at first I failed to clearly understand why. But as my eyes wandered and my thoughts turned more and more chaotic, clarity finally struck. In the last six months or more, I had rarely spent more than a night or two away from Bella. But even more, it was what those nights represented. They were peace, they were special, and they belonged just to the two of us. There was silence and calm, not only around us, but in myself as well. They represented some of the happiest times in my long existence. It had been so engrained in me to go to Bella that even during short trips I felt the loss of her presence. Now, as I sit on this roof, my entire being ached with the desire to be near her.
Even more terrifying was fully coming to terms with the knowledge that I would never experience that pleasure ever again. That I have forever forfeited what those nights meant to me. My body began to move with the tearless sobs wracking my body. Grief upon grief flooded me, and I had no ability to keep it contained. Not wanting to subject Jasper to these intense emotions, I leapt from the roof and ran into the waiting forest.
Trees whipped past as I ran. I ran from every pain and damage I have inflicted. I ran from the grief, loss and anger ever present inside me. I ran to try and forget, knowing I would never be able to do so. The sobs still trembled from my body; I had no capability to make them stop.
Bella! What have I done? What am I going to do without you?
My mind screamed those words over and over. If it was possible, I would have screamed them out loud until I was hoarse from it all. As suddenly as I started running, I stopped. The question I should be asking myself was; how do I make it through the nights without you?
Without my knowing it I grew to depend on, no, count on those nights. They were my salvation, or if it was possible, they were my own slice of heaven here on earth. Now the prospect of nights without her, it messed with my sanity. My emotions cycled rapidly; fear, anger, sadness, shame, loathing, guilt, rage, grief. They continued in an endless loop and I had no strength of any kind to stop them.
When I became aware of my surroundings, I was on the ground with no recollection of getting there. I could tell that only a few short hours had past and that I had several more hours until daylight. Somehow, I needed to get through the rest of this night. How, I had no clue, but one thing was crystal clear, if I did not figure it out fast, I did not know how much longer I could survive.
NO! No! You can't go back. I made a promise to her, that I would not come back. I told myself that I did all this to keep her safe. Now, in the first moment of weakness, I was going to be the selfish one all over again. No, I refuse to be that again. I would need to accept all the torture and sadness that came, it was my penitence, it was the least I could do. I owed it to her to do this. A very long time ago, I wished to burn all over again if only it meant to be human again, just so I could be with her. Now, I must burn in a completely different way. I burn in my misery, sadness and anger and it is to keep her safe.
With some resolution, slowly I ran back to the house. All along, thinking and planning, figuring out what will keep me going until she no longer existed. As I reached the house, I still had no real plan and it scared me. The sounds of my family bombarded me, filling my mind. Jasper and Emmett were involved in one of their elaborate chess games; Alice was talking to Rosalie about a new wardrobe; Carlisle and Esme were in their room, talking about me.
"Will he be ok, Carlisle? I worry about him," Esme's fear laced her words. Her mind was also filled with nothing but concern and worry.
Carlisle ran a soothing hand down her back and then back up to her neck. He did this twice before answering her. "I don't know. I have only witnessed one other of our kind lose a mate and that was Marcus. Even then it was hundreds of years after the fact and he still mourned her. But, in Edward's case…." He trailed off as he thought of our talk after I made my decision to leave.
Astonishingly, Carlisle had spoken to know one about my plans, not even Esme, his mate. But now, he was thinking of confiding in her, for her was uncertain if he did the right thing.
Esme sensed his hesitation and pushed him," What do you mean, in Edward's case? What do you know?" She pried herself from Carlisle's arms and glared at him, full force. Esme, while passive and very gentle, was ferociously protective of her family. She would do anything, go to any lengths to keep her family together and she sensed that Carlisle knew something that could tear it apart.
"You will finish that sentence." The flat tone of her voice left no room for discussion.
Looking intently into her eyes, Carlisle saw her resolve. With a bow in his shoulders and a deep sigh he confessed.
"Edward stated to me that once Bella dies, he would follow her. He can't live without her, or as he put it, he can't live in a world where she does not exist." The ending was said on the barest whisper; even I had to strain to hear it.
Such fury colored Esme's thoughts as she processed what Carlisle had said. Her thoughts were a jumbled mixture of disbelief and anger.
What does he mean 'follow' her? How dare he? He wouldn't! How can I stop it?
The idea that Esme, or anyone else for that matter, would try to stop me never entered my mind. So sure I was that once I knew Bella had died, I would just go to Italy. It was such a simple plan. But now, I knew that I would have to get past my family. When I left, I had to be one step ahead of them, well actually only Alice. How to do that was up in the air, and it would be something to ponder. But for now, I had decades to get through before I needed to worry.
Now, the most pressing issue was Esme determination to keep me alive at all costs. Luckily, Carlisle became the voice of reason.
"My love, don't fret. Bella is young and will live a long life. We don't have to worry about anything just yet. Hopefully, when Bella does die, we will be able to help Edward deal with it and he can stay alive."
It was the right words for Esme, for her anxiety ratcheted down several notches, but for me it only added to my heightened emotions. None of my family really understood my feelings for Bella, how deep and intense they went. Jasper would be the only one and he was unwilling to offer me any guidance in this.
Dejected and tired of hearing their thoughts, I blocked them out. Soon they were all but a distance hum in the background. There was some measure of relief, but not nearly enough. Then, inspiration struck. Could I completely block out my family, block out all the voices. Could I retreat far enough into my mind to keep up with the motions of existing, but not be subjected to the constant bombardment of thoughts and feelings? Focusing with everything I had, I continued to push the hum further and further back. Sure enough after a while, they were gone and there was silence.
Everything felt muffled, like there were layers of thick concrete surrounding me and it took awhile before sound could reach me. It would do, it would work. This did not mean there was an absence of the pain, for that continued to lap at the edges of me. But, it was more of an out of body feeling, a detachment and just watching everything from a higher vantage point.
Feeling more capable to get through the next part of my existence, I scaled the back of the house and was back in my room in seconds. Pulling the couch closer to the window, I sank down and got lost in the stars; naming constellations and then the individual stars. This kept me busy until the early morning rays of the sun began to peek over the horizon.
Dressing in fresh clothes, I quietly joined my family in the downstairs living room. Alice, Jasper and Rosalie would be going into town for remodeling supplies and to put in an order for the cabinets in the kitchen. That left Emmett, Carlisle and I to help Esme continue the tear down.
With the three of us, Esme was able to tackle more of the jobs. She sent Carlisle to sand all the upstairs rooms to prepare for painting. Since there was no water damage there, all Esme felt we had time to do was small cosmetic changes. Downstairs, Emmett and I began to rip the carpet up in the living room, library and a parlor room. As Esme inspected the hardwood beneath, we were ordered to begin tearing down the sheet rock. By the time the others had come back, the downstairs had been gutted and now the floors were being scraped.
Carlisle called a bit of a break now that we were all assembled, so we could revisit our relocation options. Since there was no comfortable place to sit and talk, we gathered outside. It was overcast once again, and the clouds threatened rain. I had no particular interest in this discussion, as I really did not care where we went. But in the interest of acting the part, I sunk to the ground with the rest of them. Absently, I played with the grass, lost in the rhythmic motions; pull it up, roll into a ball, fling it. Over and over, I lost myself in the repetitiveness of it all.
"I looked into our options, taking into consideration all of our prior residences and the proximity of medical facilities. Also, as this was rather sudden, it would be up to each of you to determine if you wanted to stay at your 'stated age' or consider other options." Carlisle looked at each of us as he spoke.
He continued to address us, "I found six options that appear to be feasible. They are Springfield in Massachusetts; Bangor in Maine; Ithaca in New York; Rutland in Vermont; Scranton in Pennsylvania and Lebanon in New Hampshire. Each has exceptional medical centers, which should make finding a job easy. Each also has an excellent education system, including colleges."
Instantly my family began buzzing about the choices. Alice measuring most by the shopping prospects, Esme interested in finding another, more involved remodeling project and Jasper thinking about entering into college. Emmett and Rosalie were pretty non committal about the choices. It was very peaceful to not hear their internal monologues as well. As it was, just hearing them talk was grating on my nerves. It wasn't until later in the day, that I realized, no one asked my opinion or commented on my less than stellar participation. Maybe they all decided to ignore me, which I whole-heartily agreed with.
After about an hour of debate, the choice to move to Ithaca was agreed upon. Jasper went to research Cornell and the programs they offer. Carlisle went to put in a few feelers for the nearby hospital. The rest of them scattered to enjoy the rest of their evenings.
Once again, I found myself up in my room, alone. Like the previous night, I scrambled up to the roof and watched as the sun continued to set and the stars came out. I resumed my naming of the constellations and stars. But unlike last night, images of Bella started to spring in my mind. The first and most miserable of the images, was the last night I saw her. Disbelief and pain etched on her face, her arms reaching out for me, pleading with me to stay. Then the pure terror in her eyes as James bit into her arm and her scream afterwards, followed by the confusion after I flung her on her birthday. They melted and morphed till it was an endless stream of her pain and anguish.
No matter how hard I tried, I could not retreat into my mind away from these images. There was no relief and I just watched as they played over and over. I found myself apologizing to her, begging her to understand that I never meant to do her harm. Sometimes I thought I saw her smile, as if she could hear me, it only added to the pain. I did not deserve her sympathy or her forgiveness.
Thus began the cycle of my days. The daylight hours were filled with Esme and her projects. At times I wondered if she was purposely keeping me busy, in the hopes that I would forget any plans that I might have had. We put up the walls and got them ready for painting. We stripped all the floors and then refurbished them. In the kitchen we hung the cabinets and installed appliances. We custom built floor to ceiling bookcases for the library and stained them.
My nights were torture. Looking out at the stars no longer calmed or distracted me. Instead, I spent the nights with Bella. At first only the horrific images floated in and out. They added to the flood of emotions that swam inside me. I tried desperately to block the images out, but I was unable to escape. So, I resigned myself to them, and just wallowed in it all.
It started to become more difficult to bring myself to the present, so engrossed I was in my Bella. Esme routinely had to come up to get me and from her worried looks, I didn't always respond when she shook me. I didn't know what to do anymore. I knew I was distressing my parents with my actions, but to be fully present terrified me. Maybe it was because I did not want to face my pain, but deep down it was because I was afraid I would lose Bella, or at least the images that haunted me night after night.
Plans to move to Ithaca continued all around me. Esme had found a historical house that was need of fixing. She was thrilled and was already engrossed in plans, with Alice's help. Jasper enrolled in Cornell, where Carlisle would be teaching on a limited basis. He also found a job in the local hospital working nights. Emmett and Rosalie had no final plans, as they were thinking of going on another honeymoon.
Time held no meaning for me anymore, days blended into days and nights melded into the next. I felt as if I had retreated more and more into myself. Everything felt so far away, sounds, sights, most of the time they never reached me, they disappeared into the void. I discovered that I needed extraordinary amounts of concentration to understand when someone talked to me. As most of the time their voices came to me as if I was under water, dimmed and distorted.
One day I could no longer handle being around them as the house was thick was tension and everyone was walking on eggshells. I needed to be away from them as much as they needed time away from me. I wandered into the forest, walking with no sense of purpose. Bella entered my mind; it happened more often now, no longer limiting herself to the nights. I tried to ignore her, as I just wanted peace. Frustration that I had not felt in some time spilled out. Why could I not find some tranquility? Even in the furthest recesses of my mind, where I thought I could find relief, there was none. Instead, I was haunted by my memories and feelings.
I paced at times like a caged animal, looking frantically for a way out. Other times, apathy took over and I roamed with no purpose. The day once again faded into the night and I found myself entering the clearing surrounding the house. Not ready to face them, I slumped against the side of the house and sank to the ground. There was no awareness of anything happening around me, and blissfully, my mind was empty.
When I look back, I am unable to explain how I heard Rosalie talking; maybe it was what she was saying that broke into me. It could have been that she violated the unwritten rule of never speaking her name. However it happened, it started a chain reaction I was powerless to control.
"This has gone on too long and no one seems willing to address it. He's acting like a child." Distain was evident in Rosalie's words.
"Carlisle seems to think we just need to give him some time. I mean what can we do?" Dealing with the emotional was never Emmett's strong suit.
"Time? I think he has had more than enough time. Nothing good has come since she came into our lives. We have been in danger because of her; we have had to rearrange our lives for her. All for a mere human. Bella Swan has been nothing more than a horrible affliction Edward had forced upon us all."
With no conscious thought of acting I found myself barging into Rosalie's room. Anger, hot and fast poured out of me; my vision was a red haze of fury focused on Rosalie.
"How dare you! You have no right to talk about her that way." My entire body was shaking, my hands were clenching at my sides. The urge to throttle Rosalie was coursing my veins. I continued with my tirade.
"She is everything that you could never be; warm, loving, considerate, kind, and unselfish. All you will ever be is a spiteful bitch." My words took me close and personal with Rosalie.
Hearing me swear, caused Rosalie to fly at me, hands grasping for my neck. In a quick move I deflected her hands and landed a blow to her stomach causing her to fly back into Emmett. The sound of cracking stone filled the house.
"Is that all you got? It's pretty weak and pathetic just like you." I shifted instinctively into a crouch, readying myself to fight. It felt good to propel all my anger and hurt towards Rosalie. She was the embodiment of all that I was feeling and I just wanted something physical to fight against.
Seeing my crouch, Emmett jumped in front of her and let loose a warning growl. In that moment, I did not care who I fought, just as long as I got to fight something.
"For once Emmett, let her finish what she started." I was taunting them both, itching for a fight. I let the anger take over, it felt freeing and exhilarating.
"I will only say this once Edward. Back off. You will not lay another hand on her." The implication in his words was implied, I would have to go through him to get to her. I was fine with that, the more the merrier.
"She came after me, I was only defending myself." I inched closer, the need to get to Rosalie over riding all other thoughts. Each step elicited a growl from Emmett.
Rosalie came up behind Emmett, fury making her quake. Focusing only on her, I continued to mock, "You going to finish this Rose or is Emmett going to do your dirty work again?"
That pissed off Emmet who lunged for me. Knowing he was stronger than me, I ducked out of his reach, and spun myself low, I kicked my leg out which made contact with Emmett's side. He crashed into the door jamb cracking it in two. At that moment Carlisle and Jasper came up the stairs and I made a lunge for Rosalie. I got my hands around her neck as I was tackled by Emmett who was tackled by Jasper.
I tried to twist out of Emmett's grasp as it was firmly around my waist. Jasper had a hold of Emmett's arms and was prying them lose. Carlisle twisted Rosalie out of my grasp and she bolted out of the window. It took both Carlisle and Jasper to pry us apart as we turned on each other, snapping, growling and biting.
"Enough! I will not have my family fighting each other." Carlisle screamed his frustration and it grabbed our attention. We both pushed the other out of the way, but never gave up our defensive stances. Ragged breathing filled my lungs as I tried to plan my next move. The rush of adrenaline and power I felt was intoxicating.
Warily Carlisle eyed us, "This behavior is inexcusable. This is not how we treat each other, ever, under any circumstance."
"If he ever lays a finger on Rose again, Carlisle, I will take care of it, I promise." The menace was thick as Emmett spoke. His eyes never left me and I returned his stare.
A low snarl rumbled deep in my chest, "Tell your wife to keep her mouth shut about things she does not understand. She started it; I was only going to teach her a long overdue lesson." With that Emmett let lose a snarl and made a move towards me.
Instantly, Jasper was between us and a wave of calm pushed us down. Try as I may, I could not push it back. Emmett was struggling to do the same. Without another word, Carlisle grabbed me and Jasper took a hold of Emmett and forced us outside to where Rosalie had fled. The rest of the family followed behind.
To an outsider, the way were grouped would seem random, but to us, it demonstrated where we stood. Rosalie and Emmett were off to one side, I was on the far other side. Jasper held a position between us. Alice, Esme and Carlisle were grouped off to the side. Each of them registered a different emotion; Alice was focused on the future, flipping through the different outcomes which were still hazy, Esme was concerned and Carlisle was dismayed.
Even being outside, the tension followed us, it hung like a thick cloud over us all. I never broke eye contact with Rosalie who stood behind Emmett. I wanted to wipe the smug look off her face, but it would be hard to do with Emmett prowling in front of her. Every few steps, he would pause to touch her, almost reassuring himself that she was ok. A snort died in my throat, she was more than capable of defending herself. Her killing spree in Rochester was proof of that.
I could feel my anger waning and I scrambled to hold onto it, fearful that the pain would pull me under again. Rosalie's words replayed themselves over and over, 'horrible affliction'. Was her jealously so deep that she failed to see the beautiful perfect that encompassed Bella? She brought light and love into my world, to us all. Her only crime was to love a monster and having one love her back. For such a brief moment, I was happy, truly happy. I will be forever grateful to Bella for giving me those precious few months.
But all Rosalie could see was that I fell for a human, that Bella captured my attention so thoroughly when Rosalie never could. Add to the fact that Rosalie would do anything to be human and it all added up to a giant ball of jealously. She held onto it and it was eating at her. I found someone that I preferred and one I held in high regard, and Rosalie just couldn't understand it. Well, that was her problem and she needed to deal with it.
Carlisle stepped closer to us and spoke in a strong firm voice, "While I understand how this started, I am more appalled by the idea that we could hurt each other with our words or actions. To say I am greatly disappointed would be only the beginning."
Facing Rosalie he continued, "Edward has made a great personal sacrifice. One that he felt was necessary and we supported him. But to maliciously hurt him, while he is already grieving that sounds cruel, even for you."
The indignation that flared in her eyes spoke to how hurt and angry she was at Carlisle's chastising words. Emmett pulled her into his embrace and ran comforting circles on her back. I turned away from the sight; it only served to remind me of all I had left behind.
Turning to look at me, Carlisle paused. Lifting my eyes to look at him, I saw concern, pain, and worst of all, pity. I tore away from his gaze, for it evaporated what little anger I was able to hold onto. Now, the pain was licking at my insides and it created sharp points of agony.
"But to lift a hand against a member of your own family, that is indefensible. We all know that you are hurting and dealing with this best you can…"
"No!" shrieked Rosalie as she pushed Emmett out of her way. She took a few angry steps towards us all. "That is the point Carlisle. He isn't dealing with it. Are all of you blind to how he has been or are you choosing to ignore it? He has been moping over her long enough, it's causing strain on our family and it isn't fair."
Carlisle and the rest were speechless and they all turned to look at me. I had no defense; I was doing the best I knew how. The silence only fueled Rosalie's determination to have her thoughts known.
Sneering at me she spoke, "You're the pathetic one, walking around here like a zombie. We have had enough." Feeling relieved to have everything off her chest she relaxed her posture.
She was right; I was a zombie, and I was no good being around my family. Looking around all I saw was their pity. They were concerned as well, but pity was prevalent on all their faces. I couldn't handle it. What had I done? They did not deserve to watch me go through this. Once again, I was causing havoc where ever I went and it had to stop. That only left me one option and I acted on instinct, I bolted into the forest.
Just behind me I heard footsteps following closely. I knew who it was and I just wanted to be left alone.
"Go away! I just want to be alone." I could feel the tug of the pain and grief and I just wanted to let it all go.
"This has to do with more than just you, it involves Bella," barked Alice. She said the only thing that would have made me stop. But if she was lying, I would never forgive her.
Stopping as suddenly as I started, I whirled on Alice. "What do you want," I spat the words at her. It wasn't anger, just all the emotions that swirled in me; it was too much to be contained.
"Let us help you, please. We all hate to see you so unhappy." What an understatement. I said nothing, for in that instance it became crystal clear that I no longer had the ability to be happy, I killed that as soon as I left her. I had a few months of joy which will be followed by decades of pain. Knowing that there would be an end to this, even if it wasn't for sixty or seventy years, gave me a measure of calm.
Seeing that I was not going to respond, she changed tactics.
"She is hurting too," she whispered this softly. A spasm of pain coursed through my entire body, I did not want to think of her hurting. But it would only be momentary, right? I had to believe that.
"I told you that I did not want you to look for her future. We need to stay completely out of her life." I was holding on by the barest thread of patience, of strength and I just wanted to be by myself.
Fury clouded her face, her eyes narrowed into slits, "You know that is not how it works. I did not go looking for her. The flashes just came. But you are being a fool. We can all see how you miss her, how you need her."
Of that I could not deny. I needed her with every fiber of my being, but I was so wrong for her. I had no right to love her or to seek her love in return. There have been too many signs for me to ignore. I gave her freedom and a future; it was all I had left to give.
"I am not going to talk about this." I began to turn and run when the flashes Alice had seen invaded my mind. They were quick snatches and there were not many of them, but Alice played them over and over. I threw my hands over my ears, a vain attempt to make her stop, I did not want to see, and I did not want to know.
"STOP! That won't happen; she will move on, she will forget me." I shook my head until she finally relented.
"What if her pain causes her to do something stupid? Humans have died because of grief, most of the time by their own hand." If she thought that for one moment Bella would do that, she did not understand her friend.
"She promised me she wouldn't do anything stupid. She said she would take care of herself. I have to believe that she will." That was all I had left to hope for, that Bella would think of those most important to her and keep herself safe. Even if it wasn't for me.
"She loves you. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Even more importantly, you love her." Alice was back to pleading, she had nothing left to lose and we both knew it.
But I knew the truth, and to say it out loud would be most likely hurt me beyond repair, but she had to understand, they all did.
"Yes, I do love her, but she doesn't believe it. I saw it with my own eyes, I heard her say it. She doesn't believe that I ever loved her. Now, go back and tell them I just want to be left alone." What shattered pieces remained, crumbled into a pile of dust at my feet. My insides resembled jagged, bleeding holes each festering and burning with all my emotions.
Giving her no room to argue, I bolted and ran faster than I had ever run. I ran such a ragged path there would be no way she could follow me. The day gave way to night and still I ran. I spotted a cave up ahead and made a dash for it. A quick search told me it was not home to any creature. Finally, I found my solitude. Sinking to the cold, hard floor I gave into my grief. My last thought before the blackness claimed me once more- I love you, Bella.
A/N: Soo did ya like it? Huh? Did ya! If so... leave a review... I like them like I love tortured Edward! Once again, to those who review I willgive ya teaser for the next chapter.