Chapter Twenty Two

Charlie remained in Joey's arms in silence for several minutes. She focussed on her breathing and she felt their bodies melt together and wondered how, after everything that had been said and done, she was able to take such comfort just from Joey's presence.

"I overheard your argument with Ruby," Joey eventually said. "I saw how upset you were so I wanted to check that you were okay."

"I'm not," Charlie said honestly. "But thank you."

"How can we make it better?" Joey asked.

"Stop Ruby hating me? Stop her from sleeping with Xavier?"

Joey managed a soft laugh.

"She doesn't hate you," she said. "She's just upset that you're not agreeing with her decision."

Charlie sighed heavily. Joey held her a little closer.

"Why do you object so strongly?" she asked after a while.

"Because she's too young!" Charlie said desperately. "She's not old enough yet! She's not mature enough! She's my baby..."

Charlie trailed off and then corrected herself.

"She's my baby sister," she said. "I'm not ready for her to be a grown up yet."

"She's your baby?" Joey said, picking up on Charlie's mistake.

Charlie didn't reply for several minutes. Then she sighed heavily and closed her eyes to stop the tears.

"I guess I may as well tell you," she said. "You can't hate me anymore than you already do, I'm sure."

Joey closed her eyes and breathed in the scent of Charlie's familiar perfume. She thought she could lose herself in Charlie forever. She desperately wanted to.

"I don't hate you," she said honestly. "I've never hated you. I've tried. I've tried really hard but... it's just impossible."

Charlie sighed again but this time didn't bother to stop her tears. She let her body relax against Joey who was more than ready to support her.

"I wish things were different," Charlie said. "I feel like my life was one big mistake."

"It isn't," Joey said. "You're a good person. You do a lot of good things, Charlie."

"Who are you and what have you done with Joey?" Charlie tried to joke.

Her voice caught and more tears fell. Joey placed one single kiss on her shoulder.

"You've made mistakes," Joey said. "And I've spent the last couple of months wondering if I'll ever recover from that last one but... you're still a good person. You still do good things. For all that happened between us, if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be here now. If it wasn't for you, I would have been remembered only as a rape victim, drowned in the bathtub of a dingy motel."

Charlie cried harder at the thought. She couldn't bear to think of all the awful things that had happened to the woman she loved.

"So, you want to talk about it?" Joey asked, bringing them back around to their original topic and knowing that there was something of great importance on her mind.

"I'm scared to say the words," Charlie admitted.

"Well, there's no-one here but me," Joey said. "And I swear on both our lives that anything you say won't go any further."

Charlie tilted her head just a little, getting a glimpse of Joey's beautiful face.

"I'm Ruby's mother," she finally blurted out.

She closed her eyes again, waiting for horror and rejection. Joey merely kissed her shoulder again.

"How did that happen?" was all she asked.

"There's a reason why I was so able to identify with what you'd been through," Charlie said.

This time, Joey did take a sharp intake of breath. She paused for several moments, closing her eyes on her own tears and holding Charlie a little closer.

"I'm so sorry," she finally said. "I can only imagine too well what you've been through."

Charlie nodded and wiped her eyes.

"What happened?"

In a shaky voice, Charlie began to explain that she'd gone on a date with her boyfriend at the time, a boy her age called Grant Bledcoe. He'd wanted to take their new relationship further than Charlie had been comfortable with so he'd forced her. He'd raped her and then laughed at her while she cried. She'd kept the whole thing a secret for months, hoping the pain would go away. Then she realised she was pregnant.

"How did Ruby get raised as your sister?" Joey asked.

Her questions were gentle, not intrusive. Charlie was surprised by how easy it was to open up to someone after sixteen long years. But still, Joey being the one she turned to made a lot of sense. She had been through the trauma of rape. And Charlie trusted her more than anyone else in the world. And she loved her just as much. The only person she felt as much love for was Ruby.

"I ran away," she explained. "Ruby was barely a month old and I just couldn't take care of her. I was too messed up, too broken to be her mother. So I left for a year. I lived with my Aunt and she helped me put myself back together. By the time I got home, there wasn't a place for me. Ruby didn't know who I was. She'd bonded with my parents and I was a stranger. So they adopted her. And we've lived as sisters ever since."

Joey shifted a little and held onto Charlie's hands. Charlie studied the point of contact as Joey caressed her fingers gently. Charlie had always loved Joey's hands. They were capable of so much power, used to labouring on a trawler, and yet they were so gentle. They touched her with such tenderness. They made her feel so safe.

"Do you hate me now?" she asked worriedly.

"Like I said," Joey replied. "Impossible."

Charlie managed a smile.

"That's why I don't want Ruby to sleep with Xavier," she explained. "She's not ready to make those kinds of decisions. Your first time stays with you for the rest of your life. I want it to be perfect for her. And I don't want it to be time yet. Not now. She's just a baby. She's my baby."

"I know," Joey said gently. "And I wish I could make it all go away, Charlie, but the reality is that she's going to go ahead whether you like it or not. And it'll be different for her. Xavier loves her. He'll be good to her. He won't put her through what Grant did to you, what Robbo did to me. It won't be the same. I promise."

Charlie nodded, holding on tightly to Joey's hands and never wanting them to part.

"How can she be growing up so fast, Joey?" she asked. "How can she be nearly sixteen? I still remember when she was learning to walk, learning to talk and now..."

She sighed heavily. Joey kissed her shoulder again.

"She is growing up," she agreed. "You just have to stand back and let her make her own decisions, even if they're mistakes. And you have to be there to hold her hand whenever she needs you to."

"I don't know how," Charlie admitted. "I don't know how to make things right. I don't know how I can..."

She finally burst into real tears. Violent sobs wracked her body. Joey held on, steadying her and keeping her safe.

"Joey, I'm so sorry for everything," Charlie sobbed. "I'm sorry."

"I know," Joey said. "I know."

"I know it's no excuse," Charlie said. "I know there is no excuse. But I was so messed up that night. Brett was making out like I'd hurt you. I was sure I was going to lose you and my job and everything. I thought I was going to lose everything."

"Why did that make you think it was a good idea to spend the night with someone else?" Joey asked quietly.

"Because that's what I do," Charlie admitted. "I fuck things up. I destroy myself at every turn."

"I don't understand."

"I knew from the start that I wasn't good enough for you," Charlie explained tearfully. "I knew you deserved better than me."

"I don't..."

"When Brett accused me of abusing you, I just snapped," Charlie continued. "I sought solace in the bottom of a bottle. Hugo came along and called me gay and I couldn't cope. I've spent my whole life hiding in the shadows, hiding from myself. That day... I felt so exposed. And I couldn't deal with the name calling, with the judgements. The only way I could ever have been strong enough to come out as loving you, would be if I had you there, supporting me, reassuring me. But you weren't there. You'd been taken away from me, Joey. I didn't think I was going to survive the night. I kept picturing your frightened face when Watson pulled you in for an interview. I thought I'd hurt you. I thought Brett was right and... and I wanted to punish myself. I destroyed everything that was left of me."

Joey swallowed. She continued to trace her fingertips along Charlie's hands.

"I wish you hadn't," she said.

"I wish I hadn't either," Charlie replied. "I regretted it the moment it happened. And then when I saw you again the next day... my heart just broke. You were sitting there, so earnest and so beautiful. You wanted to forget everything that happened the day before. You wanted us to start again. I looked into your eyes and I'd never felt more loved in my whole life. And I knew with absolute clarity that even if I wasn't good enough for you, I loved you so much that I'd do whatever it took to try to be. I wanted to make myself better for you. I wanted to keep you. I knew I couldn't live without you."

"And that's why you lied?"

"I knew you'd leave me if I told the truth."

"I might not have," Joey said.

Charlie jerked her head to look at her.

"Really?"

"I'm still not entirely sure if it was the cheating or the lies that hurt me the most," Joey said honestly. "I loved you so much, Charlie. I gave you everything I had. I would have died for you. The day you told me that you loved me and you wanted to be with me... it was the best day of my life. And then you broke my heart... the heart which had only just started to put itself back together."

Charlie sighed heavily. More tears fell.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"I know," Joey replied. "I forgive you."

The words startled both of them. They stared at each other.

"Maybe we could try to be friends?" Joey suggested timidly.

Charlie tried not to feel disappointed that this wasn't the kind of moment where they could get back together. But being friends was definitely better than being enemies.

"I don't know if I could ever be with you again," Joey said honestly. "The other night, I really was considering it. And even though I forgive you for what you did... I'm not sure I'm healed from it. I'm not sure I ever will be. But I don't like the way I've been behaving recently. I don't like the words that come out of my mouth. I don't like the way I keep making you cry."

"I don't like it either," Charlie tried to joke.

They smiled sadly at each other.

"So maybe we can get to a place where we can talk sometimes?" Joey suggested. "Even share a joke or two? A drink? Be the friends that we were before all of this happened?"

"I'd like that," Charlie said. "I want to be any part of your life that I'm allowed to be."

Next time... Joey has a run in with Hugo, Charlie makes up with Ruby and Charlie and Joey spend some time together...