A/N: So very sorry for the long delay everyone! There is a reason. I recently lost of of my betas- CullenandSwan1993- and I want to thank her for all the help she has given to me and the story so far. Due to this and the fact that my other beta-PisceanPal23 is in school, I was unable to update like I wanted. But no fear, my awesome beta is on a break and has recently caught up. Now I need to go do some major editing! So, please, bear with me.. I have already 5 to 6 chapters finished and I am working like mad on writing more. I WILL finish this story.
To all those who have left reviews, made this story a favorite, and asked for story alerts- WOW.. everytime I see one of those in my email.. I am GIDDY! Sooo...pleasse keep them coming.
Please review..I love them.. almost as much as I love Edward.
Like always- I own nothing Twilight... just my dreams of Edward *sigh* ENJOY!
Plans and Strategies
I was not surprised by the cacophony of thoughts, both verbal and non-verbal that came after my little announcement. My sisters were disbelieving. Rosalie was thinking of herself and how she felt this affected her. Alice was convinced I was truly insane. Jasper and Emmett were already calculating methods, search tactics, even the fight itself. I would have to talk to them before they get their hopes. This was a mission.
Esme looked both sad and furious. Her entire body trembled and I could hear from her thoughts that it was not in fear. "NO! Absolutely not! That is out of the question." Esme's eyes were wide and frantic and she was thoroughly pissed off. It was rare the times that we saw her this way. Carlisle rushed to her side, engulfing her in his arms. He stroked her hair, whispering calming noises in her ear. She struggled against him.
"Let me go, Carlisle. I have stayed silent for far too long. I will say my piece." She whirled from his grasp and turned to glare at me. Her eyes darkened as the intense emotions she felt overtook her. All we could do was watch her and try to stay out of her way.
She pointed an accusatory finger in my direction. "I have tried to be supportive and understanding of the choices that you have made, even if I did not agree with them. But after watching you slowly die inside and watched as the sadness and grief consume you, I can no longer stay silent. You are making extremely poor choices. You are being foolish, stubborn and making dangerous decisions. I refuse to stand by and watch as you self destruct. Nothing good can come from this new little plan of yours." With that, her body relaxed its rigid posture and she melted into Carlisle. She finally released the tangle of emotions she had been holding in.
Knowing that I would have to choose my words carefully, I spoke softly, looking only at her. I gently clasped her hands into my mine.
"I know my behavior has been reprehensible and I have caused you pain and fear. I am very sorry and I know that doesn't even begin to make up for the things I have done. I also know that the choices I have made are hard to understand. I don't know if I will ever be able to explain them to make them easier on you." I watched as Esme relaxed, ever so slightly at my words. She stared into my eyes, looking for something; understanding or truth. It was hard to tell what she found there.
"I know that the idea of me on a hunt for Victoria terrifies you. I do not discount that, nor do I take your concern lightly. But this is something I need to do. I have not handled the loss of Bella," my voice faltered slightly on her name. Esme's eyes tightened when she saw the pain that lay just underneath the surface. I continued in a rush, needing to get it all out.
"I have not handled my loss well. But, I feel that in looking for Victoria and killing her, I will have made Bella that much safer. Victoria knows of Bella, knows where she is and well…that scares me." The words were whispered, for they were finally spoken out loud. The terror I felt knowing that one of my kind knew of Bella and could do her harm was too much. "While she may no longer be in my life, it doesn't mean I do not want to make her world safer. I owe that to her." Guilt and shame colored my words. For the first time, I let my family see the immense well of emotion I had inside. All my pain, hurt, loss, sadness and anger was on full display.
"Please, understand that I need to do this. It is the only way I know how to make things right while honoring the promises I made to her." My lips barely moved, the words were nothing more than a breath of air, but I had no doubt each of them heard it.
Caressing my cheek with her hand, Esme looked probingly into my eyes and asked the question I feared the most. "When this madness is all done, are you coming home to stay?"
Calling upon every skill I possessed, every role I had played in my rebellion to charm and soothe, I lied. "Yes."
Edward! I know… Alice's thoughts screamed in my brain but I held a few fingers up to her, telling her to stop. No one knew what had transpired. To the rest it simply looked liked I flexed my fingers before they rested on the ones covering my cheek. I would deal with Alice later.
Everyone, including Esme relaxed the rigid postures they were holding at my simple, but bold faced lie. Thank you, Edward. I am sorry I yelled at you. But I couldn't stand by and say nothing anymore, I love you too much. I smiled gently for my mother. "I love you too, Mom." I whispered the words as she hugged me. I felt like a cad, lying to the sweetest, kindest person I had ever known. But it was necessary. I could tell there was no other way that she would let me go; at least without completely destroying her.
"I think I would like to shower now. Jasper, Emmett, can we go hunting later? I would like to talk to you both." I heard them both give their enthusiastic responses mentally. I nodded to let them know I heard them and rushed up the stairs.
I needed time to think and the excuse of a shower afforded me that. Somehow I would have to persuade my brothers not to follow me. It wasn't that I didn't want them to come along. In fact, part of me did not want to do this alone, I was afraid of being alone. But the stronger part of me craved the victory of the kill. It was my duty and mine alone.
It was no surprise that Alice followed right behind me as I walked into my room. I tried to ignore her as I picked new clothes and turned to go to the bathroom. She blocked my exit with her arm and a glare. I am waiting.
The patience I had for her earlier was gone. Her constant meddling in my life lately was starting to irritate me. She was getting on my last nerve. I was getting tired of her interference and the smug attitude in which she did it. It was time to get her off my back once and for all. My eyes narrowed on her as I walked up to her, leaning close to her ear just to make sure no one downstairs over heard.
"Fine, you want to go tell her the truth, go for it. But don't blame me when I leave anyways and it breaks her heart. You want to be the one to do that, be my guest. I always figured you had it in you to be a bitch." With that I pushed past her and walked into the bathroom and slammed the door, effectively ending any further discussion on the matter.
I could hear Alice's shocked and hurt thoughts before she left the house. I tried to muster up some remorse for my callous words, but could find none. I was tired of her interfering in my life.
Stepping into the shower, I let the water fall over me. Normally there was no need for a shower; we did not produce any unpleasant body odor. But after a month or so in a cave, I was dirty. Dried mud caked my hair and parts of my skin. Plus, the warm water was soothing, it gave me plenty of time to plan and think.
I knew that Jasper's history and expertise would be invaluable to me. He could plan strategy better than anyone else I had ever met. Emmett, well he would be raring for some action, especially if it was of the physical and slightly violent kind. But from their excited thoughts, they expected to accompany me on my search for Victoria. It was hard to discern if it was to keep an eye on me or because they really wanted to see Victoria dead as much as I did. I hoped it was the latter but I had a feeling I would not be so lucky.
Once I was out of the shower and dressed in some clean clothes I searched for my brothers. They were waiting for me in the living room. It was then that I finally noticed that the house was complete. In my absence, Esme had finished the remodeling. It was stunning. The living room was light and open, just the way she liked it. The kitchen had a modern but old-fashioned feel to it. I could see the parlor looked comfy and warm. Esme had really out done herself once again. I knew I should acknowledge all her hard work and effort.
"The house looks wonderful, Esme. You have a gift." I gave her a small hug. Smiling just for her, which was all part of the lie I was crafting, I turned towards my waiting brothers. "Are you ready to go?"
Emmett smiled widely and let out a small snort, "We were waiting for you to finish your primping." I rolled my eyes, which seemed very much like my old self, and ignored him. Jasper was quiet, but I could see a small grin turn the corners of his mouth. In a few quick strides, the three of us were out of the house and bounding into the forest.
We ran in silence, which was fine with me. I needed time to collect my thoughts and perfect my mask. I had to keep up the pretense of handling my pain, though I was far from it. But one little slip in my role and Esme would do everything in her power to stop me.
There was more to my reason for not wanting to stay, more than just the need to honor Bella. Now that I had experienced how love could make me feel, that it allowed me to be happy. I knew it would be impossible for me to be with my family; to watch day after day as they continued to have their mates close by. It would be impossible to 'hear' their love, both emotional and physical, but to watch the love they have; that would be excruciating. To watch the small kisses, soft smiles, and lingering touches- it would be too much for me to take.
Feeling the pain and darkness pulling at me, I tried to push it back. I could not lose it now, not when I was close to the solitude I desperately craved. I needed to keep the pain at bay until I left on my search, then I could give into the pain when it was too much.
Hey! Herd about 2 miles west of here. Jasper broke into my concentration as he caught wind of a herd of elk. I nodded to him and we took off in pursuit of the animals. The smell of them turned my stomach. Not counting the small deer Alice had brought me a few hours ago, I had not eaten in over a month. The lure of the blood should have captivated me. But I felt nothing. There was no pull towards the pulsing blood, there was no monster begging to be fed. There was just hollowness, a complete and utter emptiness.
Knowing that it would raise suspicion if I failed to hunt appropriately, I slinked down into my hunting crouch. Emmett had looped a wider arc and was coming at them from behind. Jasper and I split up and moved on the herd from the front. In a matter of a few seconds, we simultaneously sprang and reached the herd at the same time. I quickly took down two of the larger males closest to me and I began to drain them.
I had to fight to keep all the blood down. The warm stickiness coated my throat and flowed into my empty stomach and the whole time I had to grapple with nausea. I threw the last of the elk carcass from me and closed my eyes as I drew in clean air. Off in the distance I could hear Jasper as he finished the last of his elk and Emmett was chasing one that dared to flee. A smile tugged at my lips, Emmett loved the chase. Maybe we could try to find some bears; it would give us both some entertainment.
A few hours later and another two deer for me we sat on a rocky out crop overlooking the forest. My stomach felt full and painfully distended. I found the last animal went down a bit easier. Maybe as I resumed my natural hunting pattern, I would enjoy the hunt once more.
"So, when do we leave to hunt down Victoria?" The look of unadulterated excitement was written all across Emmett's face. I swallowed the guilt I felt at his eagerness.
"We are not going, Emmett. This is for Edward alone." Jasper's quiet declaration took us both off guard. How did he know? Jasper watched me intently, seeing the confusion and relief flit across my face. "Alice told me before she left." He answered my silent question. "But even without her telling me, I knew this was something Edward wanted to do by himself."
The wisdom that dwelt in Jasper was limitless. Once again, I was struck by the need for an older brother's counsel. It served a purpose last time, do I dare hope that he would grant me further advice.
"Seriously? Oh, man! That just sucks! Why can't we come along?" Whiney Emmett was more impossible to handle than overly excited Emmett.
"Because, like Jazz stated, I need to do this by myself." I struggled to find an analogy that Emmet would understand. I doubted he had ever felt the burning desire to prove himself, to figure out if he was worthy. Seeing that he was getting a tad anxious at my silence, I plunged ahead.
"Did you ever feel, as either a human or vampire, the need to prove you could do something; to feel a sense of accomplishment?" I watched his eyes as he contemplated my words. His thoughts were a mix of human and vampire memories, he quickly sorted through them, trying to find a point of reference. Finally he hit upon something from his human years, a memory of him playing ball with his father. He played it for me; it was dim and hazy, like most of our human memories. But what he did remember was how happy he felt when he could consistently catch a ball. Most of all, he remembered the look upon his father's face. That made him happiest of all.
"Yea," I whispered. "It's like that for me. Just like you wanted to make your father proud, I need to make Bella safe; to know that she is truly safe." I looked into his gold eyes and saw complete understanding.
"That doesn't mean I don't need your help, both of you. I do, immensely. I need you both to tell me how you perceived Victoria, what you felt from her, how she moved. I need you both to get me into fighting shape and I need an idea of how to find her." There was an obvious edge to my voice. My desire to get Victoria was great. There would be no doubt; this was my new mission in life.
Instantly I was bombarded by images of Victoria, from many points of view. I saw as Jasper tracked her movement, very sure and cautious. Emmett noticed how her eyes constantly scanned the areas, moving her body towards possible avenues of escape.
"She was very confident in James and in her own abilities." Jasper spoke out loud to include Emmett in the discussion. Emmett agreed with his assessment. I asked questions about things that Esme or Rosalie may have noticed about her. Jasper stated that Esme was more focused on keeping Charlie safe. Emmett told me that Rosalie was frustrated that she always seemed to be a step or two in front of them. Like she always knew what they were going to do.
"No, she did not have my gift." I answered Emmett's unconscious pondering if she shared a similar gift as mine.
"What about James' thoughts, did anything pertain to her?" I shook my head at Jasper. "No, his thoughts were very focused on what he was doing to Bella and what he wanted me to do." I repressed a shudder at the memory of Bella bloodied and broken. "I didn't even hear the thoughts about Alice."
Jasper's eyes tightened at the mention of the knowledge James' had about Alice. "How I wish I would have known. I would have made sure he spilled everything he knew." His voice had a hard edge. He wished that he could provide answers to the missing parts of Alice's life.
Feeling the need to stop thinking about that awful day I proposed we find a clearing and work on fighting skills. Emmett jumped at that suggestion and ran off in search of such a place. We found one about 50 miles from where we were. It was surrounded by a rocky hill on one side, a river on the opposite side and forest on the remaining sides. It was slightly oval and the ground was fairly level. It was smaller than our previous baseball field, but it would work for the three of us.
This is where Jasper's military training paid off. For the next few hours, I watched as he and Emmett wrestled and fought. I got much more out of watching them then fighting myself. Emmett was pure strength and muscle, Jasper was quickness and litheness. They grappled and spun in intricate circles. Every once in a while I would hear a crunch like gravel as their blows landed on the other.
Finally I asked to join in. I used the excuse that it had been too long since I had any physical action and that I wanted to test my skills. In reality, I worried that I would not be able to use my extra hearing. Even with just them here, it was loud and overwhelming. I needed to get used to the noise again. I would need to depend on it if I was to have any hope of defeating Victoria.
So I opened my mind wide. Suddenly I heard Emmett's joy over me joining the match. He was trying to think of something else, like the periodic table, but he could not hold it for long. Jasper was testing the mood around me. He felt that there was much I was hiding and he did not understand why. It was painful and chaotic in my head. So much so, that Emmett was able to get a few swipes at me. His internal Gotcha pulled me from my reverie. Seeing his intent seconds before he acted, I spun and caught him from behind. I twisted his arm along his back and grabbed his neck.
"Now I got you." The smile erupted before I had a chance to think about it. It felt wrong, out of place, but I let it go. She could not begrudge me this small measure of happiness. No, she was selfless; it would have made her happy to see me smile.
A few hours later we were all sitting on the riverbank. Jasper talked to me about what techniques may be more useful against Victoria and Emmett was planning on a rematch with Jasper. He was still upset that Jasper was able to pin him down, on his stomach.
"How do you plan on finding her?" Emmett took a break from his scheming long enough to rejoin my conversation with Jasper.
"That I am not sure of. Being a nomad, she could be anywhere. I guess my only hope is to do a systematic search for her. She will have to feed; I could look for murders that fit the profile of a vampire feed." I turned towards Jasper, looking for any other ideas he may have.
"I think that is the best possible plan. Without knowing much about her previous habits and patterns, you will have your work cut out for you. One thing on your side is your speed. You should be able to cover lots of ground."
With no other ideas, we decided to return to the house and map out the search pattern. On the way back we decided to hunt once more. Emmett caught the scent of a bear and took off. A small herd of moose pulled Jasper and I in another direction. This time I only took one, still feeling full from earlier.
We arrived home in the middle of the night, Esme was busy packing and Alice was on the computer. She did not glance in my direction or address me in her thoughts. Instead she was focused on the dress she was creating.
Esme stopped her packing to greet us. Her eyes took in my slightly flushed skin, the color of my eyes and smiled brightly. She was pleased to see me looking better. "Did you boys have fun?"
"Yes. It felt nice to get out." I returned her smile. "Looks like your packing, can I help?" It felt like the right thing to do.
Esme's thoughts were completely overjoyed at my demeanor. She felt that I had found some semblance of normalcy. She was beginning to hope that my dark days were over. A spasm of guilt made my stomach tighten. I hated the fact that I was lying to her, but I was desperate to leave this house.
"I would love your help. Since you will be leaving, Carlisle figured we should get moving to Ithaca. When do you think you will be leaving?" Her voice was calm, but her thoughts were full of worry.
Maybe I should ask that he come with us first, before he leaves. Get him to spend more time with us. What if he doesn't return? No, he told me he would come back; I have to believe in that.
I quickly turned my eyes to the stack of boxes on the floor and began assembling them. I did not deserve Esme's trust and in fact I was doing everything in my power to destroy it. I worried that it did not bother me much, just like my verbal altercation with Alice. Where was my usual concern for my family, to make sure that I had not needlessly hurt them? I searched deep inside, but came up empty. Instead I found myself wondering, why bother?
I stopped that train of thought before it could escape and do anymore damage, instead, I focused on answering her question. "In a few days, I think. There are some supplies I need and a few plans to finalize. What about the rest of you? When are you leaving?"
"The same, in a few days. Carlisle starts work in 5 days and he wants to be settled before then." In silence we worked, packing up the office items she had unpacked. I went to my room and repacked the few books I had taken out. I placed those boxes with the rest that I left unopened. I took one of the many backpacks I had and began to fill it. I packed my passport, wallet, and clothes. I glimpsed my journal, sitting on the desk. I walked over to it and picked it up. I knew what was inside, and debated if I should take it with me. I stroked the leather covering and fingered the tie that kept it closed. In the end, I placed it in the box with my books. I had enough pain with my own memories; I did not need to add to it.
I placed the bag close to my bed room door and went back down stairs. Jasper and Emmett were sitting on the floor with a map in front of them. I joined them and looked at the grid pattern that was taking shape. From Jasper's thoughts I saw this as a common military search and rescue pattern. I found it to be very ironic. This would only be a search and destroy mission.
"Looks like you have most of the Border States mapped out; do you think that should be my starting point?"
Jasper looked up, "We figure you could do those from west to east and then start on the lower states in reverse order. If you still have not found her, you could move onto the Canadian Provinces."
It was a sound plan, better than anything I was able to come up with. Once the map had been completely gridded, the talk turned to the main cities to focus on. Jasper knew the bigger cities would hold the most draw for her, easier to hunt without too much attention. I agreed it was exactly what I did when I was a hunter of men, well, actually of criminals. In a large city, no one mourned the loss of a low life thug or rapist.
The sun was rising when we finished our discussion. They left to be with their mates, I left to find Carlisle. I had not spoken to him since he found me and felt the need to just express my gratitude. While I did not want to be found, I cannot deny that he looked for me out of love and concern. I knew how those emotions can sometimes lead us to do things others may not understand.
I found him easily, he was outside praying. It was no longer a shock to see him pray. My first few years with him, I found myself confused by his need to pray. Even knowing his human history, I felt what he was now would preclude him from praying. Why would God listen to a soulless creature? I stopped a ways away, to give him time to finish in privacy.
Minutes later he sat down and beckoned me. I am done. What can I do for you?
I walked over to him and gazed down at him. His face was peaceful and serene. He often told me that praying was one way for him to deal with his problems and burdens. That was why he looked so calm; he had faith that God would help him. I envied his serenity and longed for my own, but knew I did not deserve it.
"I wanted to say thank you, for coming to find me. I know that the past few weeks have been hard and I did not mean to hurt you or anyone else."
He looked at me for a few long moments, searching my eyes. I was unsure what he was looking for as his mind was relatively quiet. He turned his gaze away and I let out the breath I did not know I was holding.
"I know that none of us will ever understand the depth of your pain. I also realize that you are too far into it to see beyond it and that is clouding your judgment. I can only hope that you will find what you are looking for and not lose yourself in the process."
With that said he gracefully stood up and walked away, leaving me speechless and full of shame.
A/N: Once again, please review.. I have never gotten more than 4 reviews in a chapter..maybe I you could help by clicking on that little button. As always, I answer all reviews and will give ya a little hint as to what is coming in the next chapter.